The best revenge is living well and leaving the drama behind

@life-rethought

14 күн бұрын

the peace after was DEAFENING

@summacumsoap8983

14 күн бұрын

That's always been my take on this concept Don't feel guilty at all because it's not of my doing. And I don't listen to gossip from former acquaintances. Persevere long enough and it all works out how it's supposed to 💜🕊️

@memento81

12 күн бұрын

you can leave the drama behind but still feel a cozy warmth in your back from the hellfire they are living in.

My schadenfreude is knowing they have to live in their heads for the rest of their lives and I don’t.

@user-dn8hd6xn1e

14 күн бұрын

This.

@ErikLeed

14 күн бұрын

Well said. I think of all the anxiety and unrest they caused, well, that's their lot in life now.

@connie9492

14 күн бұрын

SEEM LIKE AN APT PUNISHMENT!

@gravyoverpotatos

14 күн бұрын

he is going to torture his poor wife, his children will hate him, and I tried my hardest- Learned my lesson! Communication doesnt apply to narcissists.

@katydid594

14 күн бұрын

They don't all live in their head. They're more creatures of instinct. If they lose supply or a beloved family member, they quickly find a replacement. My mother has done this many times. I thought she would break when her beloved sister died. Nope. Within 3 months, she found a replacement. Their brains don't work like ours.

For the people who "don't get it"... What are the gifts of life? Childhood, friends, family, relationships, Parenthood, stability, fun, safety, security, and love. These are the very things narcissists steal and destroy, and for what??? They STILL never "feel better", and always "need more" and more... Narcissists are truly almost literally like a black hole. Anything you do, any effort in any direction only helps them be more cruel, destructive, mean, and hurtful. Thank you so much! 👍❤❤❤

@user-fe1pg5cf5u

14 күн бұрын

This is it, exactly. How many times did you see them laugh and have fun with them? It was definitely not schadenfreude. It was wrenching and painful to watch their death. And, btw they still use every tool they have till the very end.

@psychoekpaideusi

14 күн бұрын

Exactly!Vampires

@PenninkJacob

14 күн бұрын

@@psychoekpaideusi Vampires!!!! yes exactly, I like "Parasites" too!!! They "feed" off of us...

@yukio_saito

14 күн бұрын

So true. They are like like a black hole. 🕳

@lizkrinsky5209

14 күн бұрын

You nailed it.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

As a native German, I wanted to add on the subject of Schadenfreude that Schadenfreude is a rather one-dimensional feeling, e.g. someone falls down and I laugh. That is schadenfreude. The joy over someone else's loss or damage. I think a high percentage of slapstick in sitcoms are full of it. Something more extensive is the German "Genugtuung" (a sense of compensatory justice). This feeling has the dimension of a fulfilled feeling of revenge more. I can have schadenfreude without thoughts of revenge, even towards strangers.

@brandonhealy7158

14 күн бұрын

Ah, so genugtuung is the right word.

@daniel-alan

13 күн бұрын

@@brandonhealy7158 Schadenfreude is also right but may not be the full scale of the feeling. If I feel a great relief like "that serves you right", then I prefer using "Genugtuung", so that the person I talk to about it understands the depth of my feelings more accurately.

@Gisela_aka_gies

13 күн бұрын

Is their no english word for schadenfreude?..I (dutch) have a word for it as well (leedvermaak) and i am surprised americans use this german word.

@cealene

13 күн бұрын

@@Gisela_aka_gies There isn’t really a word for it in English. The closest I can think of is “petty”, but that word has a lot of contextual variation as to if it is positive, negative, and the depth of what it is describing.

@Gisela_aka_gies

12 күн бұрын

@@cealene Yeah i am surprised that you don't have a word for it as we both do..I always think everything is "translatable"😂

That's another reason you have to go no contact, the less you know about them the better.

@t1sg

14 күн бұрын

Yes. In my mind they died.

@life-rethought

14 күн бұрын

it keeps me out of the mental emotional mud. yes

@elizabetheliuk9373

9 күн бұрын

I totally agree but it’s not always possible for a person to first of all leave and then go no contact. I think the the ideal thing to do I think.

@elizabetheliuk9373

9 күн бұрын

I think dr Ramani that those of us who have been thru this abuse for years decades actually when something happens to them you just don’t feel a hell of a lot. IOne just doesn’t care anymore and it’s accompanied with self reflection questioning whether one is no different than the narcissist.

I heard he was diagnosed with a type of cancer last year, after the No Contact went into effect. I concluded I am not required to feel bad for my rapist and shrugged it off. No idea how/what stage he is in, nor is it my responsibility to care

@lauranorwar

7 күн бұрын

You’re right. It is not your responsibility. If he’s a narcissist, he may not even have cancer. They often make this stuff up. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. You should take care of yourself. That is your responsibility. You do not owe that person anything. Not one thing.

@b8akaratn

7 күн бұрын

@@lauranorwar omg, that's a good possibility...honestly, I hadn't ever thought it Might be untrue. My tendency to (over)trust was always used... Thank you 🙏💪

I’ve never been one to seek vengeance, but when karma/consequences shows up it is sweet.

@remypascal4872

14 күн бұрын

Exact this! I see it in the same logical, rational relation. Its not helpful, when nasty, selfish comfortable people shift for example their responsibility of their calculations behind the acts to other ones, like their parents and walk through it all with the freedom to do their dirty stuff. They need consequences and mirrors as long as they find it a profitable, somehow smart way.

@jazeyrazey4301

14 күн бұрын

Same here! I believe it's best, if possible, to just go no contact and let the Fates take over from there.

@millertas

10 күн бұрын

The two girls that 'dumped' me in my younger days. One failed her High School and the other ended up as a Single Mum.

When the narcs in my life have become gravely ill I felt nothing. No guilt - nothing. But when they have overplayed their hand and landed hard on their ass - schadenfreude!

@life-rethought

14 күн бұрын

well said.

I used to feel so bad for the narcissists when they had difficulties, and would do what I could to help. Now, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t have the energy nor desire to try to help only to be emotionally abused by them. It’s sad but I matter too. I do struggle with feeling guilty, but I just can’t and won’t take it on anymore. The worst is the enablers saying I’m being unforgiving or mean because I keep boundaries. So tired of it all 😢 I do maybe feel a sense of justice when things go wrong for them, but not really. I think exhaustion has made me feel more neutral or indifferent, or disengaged for self preservation. Lots of grief to process for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

It never teaches them a lesson or changes their evil behaviour though.

I used to but I’m happy to say my indifference outweighs those emotions anymore.

@MichaelPiz

14 күн бұрын

Exactly. When I hear that something bad has happened to a narcissist who used to be in my life, my reaction is always a momentary "Good," followed by an immediate return to not caring.

@costelloandlizzievolk2233

14 күн бұрын

Me too ❤

@rl453

14 күн бұрын

I’ve finally gotten to the point where I wish them all healing. From WAY over there. I mostly don’t want to know anymore. It would be nice to be vindicated one day. But I am trying to live my own life now. It is such a damn relief to finally be “here”. Indifference mostly.

@eq2092

14 күн бұрын

Yes I want to hit this level of indifference and peace.

@MichaelPiz

14 күн бұрын

@@eq2092 It takes a lot of personal work to reach the place where you stop caring. That isn't to say it has to take a long time, just a lot of work. It was only 3 years after my divorce that I got there with my N ex but it was 55 years of my life before I got there with my N mother.

After a while, observing the Narc is just sad. They seem to be caught in an endless cycle of drama and screwing up. We all mess up, but they seem to be stuck in that negative vortex.

Narcissists often have difficult elder years. Looks and money may be gone. They have caused so much hurt, everyone abandons them. This happened to my ex. He died alone with severed ties to kids and basically everyone. We did not have kids in common, but he was left to.the care of strangers mostly. It was the finale he created.

@mday3821

14 күн бұрын

They also have physical health problems. My narcissistic mother couldn't hardly hear & see...she went months only to be able to drink liquids & soft foods, and then she went a month and couldn't drink much and couldn't eat at all. She was stuck on our second floor.

@kathrynhayes1799

14 күн бұрын

“The finale he created”. Very apt. So different than the expected “he deserved”👍🏻

@lcblue6785

12 күн бұрын

Interesting. I see this happening to my ex now.

As the amount of narcissistic abuse increases, the guilt of schadenfreude decreases.

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

@bellaluce7088

14 күн бұрын

🚩🚩 SCAM ALERT! 🚩🚩

I just want the absence of conflict and nonsense

My ex died...and it was a Very complicated grief. And the difficult part with me was... people expected me to be happy about it...so no support for his death. Just grief that I had to deal with myself. We had 2 kids, married for 21 years, h had stalked me and caused all sorts of problems, I think most people would think you would be glad. I was glad the stalking was finally over.....but, I did have a complicated grief.

I did feel it in the beginning when I saw karma coming back for him. But eventually I landed on feeling completely detached and disassociated. I think sometimes when someone pulls every extreme emotion out of you, and when nothing surprises you with them anymore, you eventually burnout and become very apathetic towards them.

I'm still waiting for my Schadenfreude moment with several of my narcissistic bullies in the past. I'm also aware that it might never come in the way I wanted.

My mom is a grandiose narc. She made my life a living hell, always scapegoating me. My dad was a covert narc, both of them horrible parents. He died a year ago. I felt nothing, other than relief he was gone. Mom is now very sick with cirrhosis, renal failure, diabetes, glaucoma, you name it, she has it. I'm her primary caregiver (only God knows why) I'm nice to her and she's an a**hole. Yet, I don't feel bad for her, I feel exactly that: people get what they deserve. I just go through the motions of faking I care (I guess I AM a good person) but even though I don't feel pleasure in her suffering, I do feel sometimes guilty that I don't care if she is in fact suffering. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess it's part of all the damage she did. Thanks a lot Dr. Ramani for putting into words such complex feelings! 🤗🤗🤗

@lillianbarker4292

13 күн бұрын

I also helped care for my narcissistic mother. I knew I didn’t really have to and luckily she didn’t live with me. But it gave me the opportunity to experience her lack of power over me. I got the chance to say no to her sometimes. I got to have a clean slate and atone for any guilt I felt. I’m the one who got called many times when she fell in the middle of the night. I stayed with her all night in urgent care and took her to appointments. Till the end I still tried to please her, but she rarely thanked me and definitely didn’t appreciate me. I got a clear understanding of who she was.

@vallarinocarla

12 күн бұрын

@@lillianbarker4292 Yes, exactly the same, except for the fact that I do live with her. But that's the point, when we are adults we can see them for who they are and they really lack all the good things we managed to obtain elsewhere. I hope it gets better for you and for everyone being abused by these kind of people.

There was a time when I felt terrible for thinking and rejoicing about the bad things that happened to that person, but I realized that simply being happy about someone bad getting what they deserve doesn't even remotely compare to someone who does everything possible to harm you so they can laugh in your face.

"Reaping what has been sowed" I do not take joy in it but also at times I have no sympathy

@avanellehansen4525

14 күн бұрын

Yes. You can't sow weed seeds and harvest fruit!

Schadenfreude. ........ he asked for a divorce 2 days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. he came back maybe 2 years later asked to live in a shed on my property " I have breast cancer". he was a field worker exposed to poisons. so possible. he had lost the house ( I bought )and my 401k. in the divorce... I said you can have a cup of coffee on the deck... but you cant come in. "I pushed grocery carts for insurance" post divorce and career job loss. " you can too". he left. it was just sad all around. I was numb from so many losses including children. what a waste of effort on my part. and a stubborn refusal to be an adult on his.

Our daughter’s husband is a narcissist and has “punished” my husband and I by preventing us from seeing the grandchildren and he takes great pleasure in knowing this causes us pain. He has convinced our daughter that we are evil (he is an extremist in every way and hates our progressive politics and religion). The toughest part for us was simply accepting that we have to let them go. Perhaps the grandchildren will connect with us sometime, and we will welcome them with love and open arms. This horrific person has wreaked havoc in our family and there’s nothing we can do about it. Very sad. 😞

I actually would argue it's completely okay to feel schadenfreude towards the narcissist. I learned a very important saying when i was in school that i follow every single day now: "Treat others the way you would like to be treated."

@LHydro

14 күн бұрын

That’s the golden rule. It comes from the Holy Bible. It’s profound, good catch, you have a wise soul ❤

@joanna0988

14 күн бұрын

Exactly. I always tell my husband, I don't wish people the best I wish them what they deserve 😂

@mac-ju5ot

14 күн бұрын

Schadenfreude is their best kind of revenge.A very good friend told me others live it when ur down.

I think it's not wrong to feel that towards the Narcissist. They should get a taste of their own medicine. For me, I wish life would teach them a lesson coz what they're doing to other people is wrong. I feel satisfaction seeing justice served. And when I see someone get victimized by a narcissist (I've been there, I've been victimized by narcissists before), I feel righteous anger. So naturally when the narcissist gets theirs, I feel like justice has been served.

@jazeyrazey4301

14 күн бұрын

👍

The X died alone of a heart attack about six weeks after I got all the paperwork through for title and mortgage in my name. When I tell people and they say "Oh, I am sorry," I reply "I'm not." (The neighbors got worried because they hadn't seen him walking the dog and called his landlord. He had no friends.)

@misottovoce

14 күн бұрын

Oooo...that was close (regarding first sentence)! Mine died in March this year, house was mine before we met, separate accounts and he did put his car in my name last year...because I bluntly suggested it to him. My own car was mine also before I met him. We were both widowed some years before we met. I did not spread the word much as I did not feel like dealing with any questions etc. Some I did tell eventually also gave their sympathy. I always answered, his personality died with his body and now his soul has peace. And so do I...and life is grand again! It may shock a few and I really don't care what they think, I just can not fake my emotions and play the sad widow. No, no. Everyone tells me how much I have changed, physically and emotionally. I smile again, I laugh again etc etc. I've gotten ME back.

@Gretagarbo830

14 күн бұрын

Similar situation here and I am looking forward to that day. Talk about having guilt....Thanks for sharing.

@life-rethought

14 күн бұрын

same way when my cruel sadistic father died at 93... I shocked everyone in the room when I said out loud " thank God it was over" I was the eldest. the truth teller, the second mom, and the scapegoat. my health had been broken by the grief/effort of trying to make the family work and protect . I surrendered to the real family life at his death. and went my way.

@misottovoce

14 күн бұрын

@@life-rethought Good for you...such a relief for you! Be well!

Brilliant and Timely. Not only is it OK to feel schadenfreude or even numbness toward the narcissist, it can be a normal reaction in these abnormal relationships where justice and closure are usually nonexistent. Of course be careful who you share them with, but NEVER kick yourself or judge yourself for these feelings. Inspiring explanations and examples, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much!

Definitely a big NO. They get what they give.

I like how you said the relationship is like a cauldron of injustice. It definitely seems like my children and I have had to unfairly bear the consequences of my ex-husband, narcissistic choices, and behaviors. I don’t think it’s vindictive to want to see someone reap what they have sown. I would like to see a little bit of justice where they are having to shoulder the consequences. I won’t rejoice in suffering, but I do think justice would be satisfying.

What comes around, goes around.... reap what you sow.... "just desserts" what you put out in the universe comes back to you.....

My experience is more of “I told you so!” as our kids become adults and don’t want a relationship with their narc parent. I’m not happy about it but they are reaping what they sowed. Now that some of our kids have a choice the difference between how the relate to each of us is stark and sad. It’s also perfectly right for them to distance themselves from someone who has been so antagonistic to them.

Try having your malignant narcissist spouse drop dead of an aneurysm 4 weeks after you go no contact! Yes it happened to me last year and I am finally okay with not missing him for even one minute!

Prayer is powerful. Use it wisely. Karmic justice happens, whether seen or unseen. Indifference is the neutrality of the mind. Not happy nor sad for them. Karma is not revenge. a contemptuous want of revenge is wrong, and lesson isnt learned. Dont dwell, let it go and Karmic justice will take care of itself, on its own-

I'm so glad to hear things became more chaotic in my previous jobs after I quit. 😁😅😆

I am guilty for feeling schadenfreude. I have so many scenarios in my head for him. I realize how much damage has been done to me, for i am unrecognizable to myself.

It’s good advice not to share your feelings about a narcissist’s misfortune. I learned as a child you can never say you don’t love your mother or that she doesn’t love you. People really can’t understand. Also my narcissistic mom had lots of friends and thought she was fabulous and that she loved us. I just nod and smile. There were some people who saw through her, but we don’t speak of it. Thanks for addressing the complexity of our feelings about this.

It translates literally to “damage joy”

@daykibaran9668

14 күн бұрын

Yours is better

I had an extremely narcissistic supervisor who hated my guts. He did a job on me by smearing me to the point several people told me about it. He got sick probably permanently, and someone informed me. This person knew perfectly how this guy treated me, but they made an issue over how (we) need to visit him. I felt nothing. Certainly nothing I would have wished on him. Before this, I had been relieved when he got fired, so I didn't have to deal with his BS any longer. After that, a friend of mine said to me, " You don't have to put up with him anymore." The point is everyone knew there wasn't any love lost between the two of us. So when this girl was making noise about how we had to see him, it made me suspicious. I might add that she is high on the narcissistic scale. But I didn't respond to her other than a head nod. She was baiting me into giving a story about how there was a misunderstanding between him and me for her own entertainment. It was insulting because I felt she must have thought I'm really stupid. The only thing I could see that gave him reason to hate me was when I refused his request to borrow my car. That is a ridiculous reason.

@donnabu

14 күн бұрын

You’re not stupid. The lady wanting your situation as entertainment is stupid. She treat this as a joke but she is the real joke. And one day, when someone does the same to her, she will get so upset that she completely forgot about what she did. Which is… stupid.

@williamdillard8330

14 күн бұрын

@@donnabu Yeah.

The feeling that comes to mind at the thought of my narcissistic parents suffering is indifference, and if any guilt appears I remind myself they're still abusing my son and have abused me throughout my entire life. Maybe when the time comes I'll feel something completely unexpected, I don't know

You pronounced it perfectly, Dr. Ramani!👍

Love the karma. No guilt here. I suffered before and after. I do have schadenfreude. When I divorced him, all I wished for was karma, because I didn't want the karmic repurcussions. Now, all I wish is that my adult children have the strength to not fall for his plots, plans, machinations, sob stories, and ploys now that he is old. The best revenge is living well, and my life has been good.

My soon to be narcissistic wife had 2 strokes....so she claims...I didn't and don't wish bad on her I just don't wish anything. I'm sure because of who I am will be able to pray for her someday but not today. I'm just concentrating on my healing and what happens to and with her is between her and her maker...thank you Dr. R for all your work and to all my fellow survivors...God Bless and stay strong...

The knowledge that he's only succeeded in creating and living one huge lie is enough for me. I wish him no harm. There is nothing to celebrate other than the fact that I freed myself from this bondage. This twisted and insidious entanglement. Patrick Sicard PsyD

Oh my goodness, you are talking about something that I recently felt. Husband had a severe heart attack and was in hospital for ten days. The freedom was mind-blowing, and I was sad that I was happy to be by myself for so many days. I wasn't happy that he got sick but my reaction really caught me off-guard. His family didn't understand why I wasn't a mess and I had to be cautious to not show my joy. The thing is, I already mourned and buried our relationship decades ago, so why would I cry now?

@gmkbelanger

Күн бұрын

Time to leave? You could have the joy of that peace every day.❤

Every person who's been directly impacted by a narcissist understands that every opportunity a narcissist has to experience SCHADENFREUDE is a new opportunity for the narcissist to change. We're only watching to see if the levels of pain and self awareness are present sufficiently to exact and enact the necessary change in the narcissist.

@donnabu

14 күн бұрын

I wish they can change all the time

I don't want anything terrible to happen to my narcissist sister. But when I heard that shewas sick and had to go to hospital I felt relieved because I figured she would have enough to occupy her mind and I would get a rest. I would, however, love for an non enabler to overhear one of her conversations when she's ripping someone's reputation to shreds and faces consequences.

I was actually sad when I thought my ex-narc was sick, it got me hovered back in going to appointments with him and trying to help him. I was even making him healthy juices. I've been out for 3 yrs and divorced for 5 yrs. I'm in the process of trying to go no contact again because he's love bombing me and asking if we can get back together. I find myself trying to find the strength to go no contact again. I'm a super empath! All his relationships he tried failed but I expected nothing but that. I enjoyed doing well and he knew about it because our success is the best karma for a narcissist! They hate when we're happy! Now I have to try and get back out the lions den trying to be sympathetic and helping and he knew I would!

When my husband cried and said "I'm sorry, I know that I hurt you. But look, I am suffering a lot now, I didn't know my words had been wounding, hug me now, I need you"- I felt....nothing. I was empty inside. He sobbed and said that he was desperate. I got a scare. It wasn't me. I felt guilty. Where is my compassion, why I can't love him anymore...What happened to me...Now I am a bad one. I don't want to feel it. I am a believer, I am a Christian. I shouldn't feel like that.

Haven’t even watched the video yet, but I have an answer for this. I actually prayed that God would let me see people get their “just desserts” for hurting me. It gives me pleasure to know that justice has been served, though I can’t actually say that I always feel good about what the person is going through. My ex, for instance. It’s not something I would ever wish on her, and I don’t enjoy the knowledge that she’s suffering. At the same time … what I said before. “Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.” I’m not mad about it.

@NovaPrincess

14 күн бұрын

Same. I honestly think narcs always get their karma eventually. After all, they have to lie and keep running from their own lies daily. After a while, they can't keep running. If we are fortunate enough to see a peak into their karma, I see it as a sign to 'let go and let God' or let the natural course of consequences take over because it certainly will.

My schandenfreude is watching the narcissist get played like he played me. And yes, they do change how you precieve life in a negative way. The sooner you stop caring, the better. It doesn't matter what you say, they will eventually self-destruct thourgh arrogance. Pride comes before the fall.

I think theres “karma” everyday for them because they have to live like themselves everyday and dealing with that within is miserable.

@pinkmeadows

14 күн бұрын

I try to not think about the past experiences with them and to move forward in life repairing all that I can.

When you know in your heart that you've done everything possible, you have no guilt. Narcissists make their own choices, sowing division and hate and reaping (eternal) destruction,. (Gal. 6:8)

Sometimes we feel like we should be doing something like warning people. Or we just want people to understand what is going on. When something finally turns about, it's like a confirmation that we don't have to run around with a bullhorn saying this is what's happening. It's a subtle way for the universe to say, I got this. Especially if it feels like they have been unaccountable for so long

Journaling had always been my go to. Until my journal was used to put me in the mental hospital. I even had started to write a disclaimer in my journals years ago. Stating that what was written was just random thoughts that needed to be out of my head so I could better see what was real. That anyone reading said journal would probably have there feelings hurt. I am just recently not living with this person but he is still in my life and journaling is now a problem

I felt this when I found out that my school bully had his wife dump him last summer... He made my life a misery at school and people like him made me anxious about going on with my education after finishing school and even things like working when you have to deal with lots of members of the public. They made my natural inclinations towards introversion and wanting to be alone worse (just how much of your needing to be alone is down to your natural personality vs negative experiences in social situations I find difficult to measure.) On the other hand, his uncle died during Covid and the uncle was a terror to his kids and nieces and nephews - then I didn't feel happy at the 'misfortune' of his uncle's death. Toxic people spread misery.

@MFTisabelle

14 күн бұрын

Good for the wife!

Always remember, there is no such thing as a narcissist without (YOU)

I'm so glad i learned this fantastic word from watching my favourite show "The Simpsons" as a young kid. It's been so helpful throughout my life, and now i feel no shame feeling this very feeling towards any narcissist. We want justice. That's all it is.

I discovered this word a few months ago, and have used it and remembered it, AND STORED it in the back of my mind. Schadenfreude sounds wrong when we use it regarding narcissists, but nice people need some little bit of guilt so they can retain their own humanity and empathy. Whether you tell anyone you feel this or not depends on the people you surround yourself with.

I don't want schadenfreude; I want them to GENUINELY find happiness, and live the best life imaginable, but I know for a fact that won't happen.

I needed to hear this after not contacting my npd mother on Mother’s Day this year. I tried my whole life to connect and she is now 86 and still the same…I have to remind myself that she never felt bad for anything she did…..thanks for this

Ur the best therapist ever♥️🙏

No matter what, it's nothing to brag about, inwardly or outwardly, to become, even a tiny bit like the narcissists that abused me.

@avanellehansen4525

14 күн бұрын

Observing the law of sowing and reaping doesn't make us Narcissistic.

Dr. Ramani you nailed it again. I’m experiencing this with an ex needing surgery it’s almost like reading someone’s medical chart of someone you do not know. You can’t help them they don’t want help they just want to finish the job so to speak.

indifference was an accomplishment for me. I had got out of my shame, guilt, regret.... next step was living again detached from hm.

I love that word. My German cousin said it perfectly described me, laughing at him picking stickers out of his socks while we were hiking. This brought a huge smile to my face just reading the title haha

Exactly where I am today. This is right on time! I spoke to my therapist today and told her that I know there will be clarity about this sadness and grief I feel today. God is faithful! Thank you, Doc! 🙌🏾🙌🏾 Giving myself a lot of grace. 🙏🏾

Dr. Ramani, you Perfectly described my being thrown over for my "best friend"! It was totally unexpected, out of the blue, and extremely painful! However, some years later my 'fiancée' died, despite lengthy efforts to revive her. It didn't feel good to lose her, and I even felt badly for my "friend". He passed on a couple of months later.

My narc exhusband (according to my therapist he was most likely pretty psychopathic as well) discarded me out of the blue and the next day he was not even in the country. Turned out he'd already had a backup 2nd wife to be in a neighbor country. He also left his bankrupt company behind with his two business partners being forced to deal with it though they had had no clue of his shady ways. Fastforward 16 years, he was on wife number 4 and country number 5, at least five kids left here and there all over the globe, when he got cancer and died following 1,5 years of horrible struggle at the age of 47. I remember the day I learnt the news from a shared friend. I felt NOTHING. Lit a candle, was staring at it, and felt completely empty inside. He had really broken my heart into a million pieces back in the day. It still amazes me that I am totally incapable of feeling anything for him even now. I find myself having more empathy and pity in my heart towards his widow, even though I've never even met her.

@gw2833

7 күн бұрын

People who don't believe in getting karma (bad or good) during their time on Earth astound me.

Thank you for being a light in the dark d.r. ramani. Feeling nothing for someone elses pain was a foreign feeling to me as well until after. I finally, put it mostly all out there through amendments, and entries i collected from my journals only part of it because need a book but kost recent pressing matters. I dont want to destroy him never have. Though its gotten ridiculous. Sitting here shaking a little like i just cut the trauma bond for good feels like. i feel less weight, 11 years of him getting pleasure from his breaking me down. I wont feel great if he finally gets his time to feel the fire. But i wont feel guilty. ❤

For me, done is done and the past is past. I cannot go back to change things, for better or for worse, only continue to move forwards as I have done for many years. I cannot take pleasure in my (now) ex’s fall from grace, nor bear any grudge, but I do feel a mixture of pity and disappointment.

"the best revenge is living well" - I saw it on Seinfeld yesterday - and George responded - "I wish!" - yes like for George - for many victims of the worst abuses from narcissists in power - there i no way they will ever live well. I think that if it was possible - I wouldn't even be here and ask everyone to forgive and let it go.

I’ve begun to feel nothing when the narcissist has wins or losses. I don’t feel bad about feeling nothing.

I know bitterness and I understand. I also know that I wish no harm on anyone

My narcissist sister is dying of cancer... I'm not sure how to feel as we are so distant...its terrible for her but she is never honest and makes it impossible to help her. Very sad really.

Looking into the abyss. The howling emptiness inside that is a reflection what they are inside.

I think the best "karma" is when what I said was right and the narcissist was wrong, and there's no denying it or gaslighting it. They won't ever give you credit, but the look on their face when they realize it is all the credit I need to know I'm right!!!!!

You were spot on again. Long story short. me and my two siblings were abandoned by my mother when I was 7. No contact was made at all those 15 years from her...nothing. No letters, birthday cards, phone calls...nothing. I found her when I was 22. She never apologized to me for how she did me and my two siblings, ever. She had two more children. Her husband abandoned them for several months, not 15 years like me. I went to visit her one day and she told me what happened. She said to me.."how does he think we feel with him leaving us and no contact at all, for anything, birthdays, holidays, etc". Really? I thought to myself, you are going to say that to me, that you abandoned for 15 years with no contact at all. I didn't know if she was alive or dead all of those years. I walked out to my car to go home and looked up to the sky and said...she finally got hers. I felt sort of guilty but at the same time I felt justice had been served. So sorry the other 2 children she had later had to go through this.

Heck, no! Gloating over a narc having to swallow their own medicine is the best.

I remember the little sparkle in my mother's eyes when I was miserable or hurt. I remember how disappointed she was when I told her I was recovering from renal failure, and would never need dialysis. When she died, I didn't cry or feel sad. It wasn't Schadenfreude exactly, but I was relieved.

Yes you should... it's the same thing ,it's Sadistic It may feel like a positive emotion, but wait you're shadow will get you...

You nailed it! And schadenfreude is often not only getting pleasure out of other people's misfortune, but very often, the addendum is that those other people have previously done something or behaved in ways that make you look at their misfortune with a glee-like "Ha! Gotcha!" That's way more common (and more socially accepted, too) than laughing at someone who's already down. You don't laugh at the underdog, but you may feel satisfaction or even schadenfreude when someone who hurts others gets a bit of their own medicine.

Amazingly timely episode! Thank you for your perspectives on this recent ‘dilemma’ I’ve pondered. 🙏

I struggeled a lot with this feeling when my ex came knocking on my door one day, crying and searching for comfort. His new girlfriend had cheated on him and discarded him. I didn't want him there, didn't want to comfort him, didn't hug him like he asked (he even tried to convince me to have sex with him). I felt so utterly guilty for feeling a bit happy he went through such a heartbreak because, after everything he had done, perhaps he would have understood. It hasn't been the case, obviously

score!!!!!!!! was when I ran into an associate AA of my X 1 year after the divorce, and 6 months after I walked from ALANON and the enablers there. I saw his AA/ALANON buddy at an event. I chose to just say hi. it was so good to quietly stand with dignity, health, happiness, and success in front of that man. I think my demeanor spoke volumes and I didnt have to cop attitude. it was real healing. and indifference. like a graduation. my terror was gone.

Watching their looks fade is great! They were so arrogant about that.

Their punishment is to live in their own inferno until their last day

"We'll see who's really lost once the schadenfreude fades"

I think the problem with feeling schadenfraude is that if you’re still in contact you know that you’ll be on the receiving end of their rage when things go wrong for them so the fear is still there that this has implications for you

I always feel guilty but there is a sense of reality .This fake person is just human no matter how controlling and powerful they tend to be. Justice still catches up to them.

Is it weird that I cannot feel "SCHADENFREUDE" towards literally anyone - regardless of how much they have hurt me? Like, I'm feeling so enlightened in the recent years that I root for people - and people that have wronged me, including my covert narc mother downstairs, they just do not exist in my mind at all. I still have love for my mother and I have to care for her as she's old, but I'm not oblivious to the situation anymore.

1:12, jealous is fiercely protective and vigilant over peoples rights and possessions

I don’t have any guilt for Schadenfreude when it comes to my narcissistic ex. Only because he is the reason for his own misfortunes. Always thought he could get away with anything; but Karma is real 🙏🏻😌

Great topic!!! My earliest Narc was a coworker who was so emotionally ill her first “welcome” to me to the team was, “You must feel super threatened right now.” Wow. I think I said, “Should I?” And she proceeded to get me basically constructively fired based on a lie she made up in her head. Years later I learned one of her children died as a young adult. I actually felt sad for her. I did feel she was getting back what she put out into the world (I was not her only victim), and, she is emotionally ill. Maybe she was so soul sick, i don’t know. There is evil in the world. She was sure evil to me, but I agree with you Dr R, it’s a complicated and weird “justice.” I didn’t feel much other than pity and prayed for her. My Higher Power (God) has the job of doling out justice. I don’t want to ever stoop to her level. She was scary mean and got off on hurting others. I guess to revel in her loss would feel like i was just like her. I don’t know. 😢

Zero guilt!

I was asking mine for years to go skating with me. And when finally stars alline and he got skates and we went to nice outdoor place...I went first on ice he was behind me...not even a minute I turn around and he's laying on the ice...telling me his leg hurts . He wanted to show-off seeing how good I'm doing and....he broke his ankle...and the first thought I had at that moment- "omg he is going to blame me for that" not that he hurts but I knew what he was going to say..but I didn't have any compassion... like non..zero. I just told him that we need to go to emergency and take an xray to make sure nothing broken. He refused..and walked on a broken ankle for 3 days.. then finally he did it. And got stuck home for 5 weeks not working and loosing money... karma is a bitch🤷🏻‍♀️

As a German- you did great pronouncing Schadenfreude. Thanks again for helping me to understand this topic.

@nicholasschroeder3678

14 күн бұрын

Except the initial a. Not as in apple, sondern wie im Apfel.

It's not that I wish bad on them, it's more that it will just happen..The negative energy they put out has to have a balance back on them...🦋

I had a surgery in my back and I travel till the city that my parents live in order to do this surgery. My boyfriend is a pensioner now soooo he didn’t had any job. Sooo I stayed with my parents for 6 months in order to recover. He came to see me 3 times!!! When sometimes I discuss with our friends how hard was these period for me he always interrupt me to say that he came the first day after my surgery he brought me flowers bla bla bla. The day that I have to travel to come home he say please come alone because the previous day I have a meeting in another country that he was working before so we will meet in the airport! Finally after a month when I return back to our home a had an instinct in my belly say open his mobile phone…. I found messages all these 6 months with another lady and imagine the day that he had the meeting it was in order to have dinner with her and as he wrote in the message : to pass the night together to know as better!!!!