When you’re involved with a narcissist, you are constantly walking on eggshells. Because they are easily offended and upset.

@godspeed6991

2 күн бұрын

They literally want to be offended or upset. They need to fight, and they feel justified if they feel 'slighted.' there is no pleasing the narcissist, and they'll always find someone to abuse, while they simultaneously play the 'victim.' Going no contact is beneficial, and I've had to do this with most of my family. I'm at peace though. 😊

@marcirobins5144

2 күн бұрын

Once you get past that “walk” you realize how much you’ve changed yourself to accommodate a narc. Be ready for that, and forgive yourself.

@marcirobins5144

2 күн бұрын

@@godspeed6991it’s their oxygen.

@b8akaratn

2 күн бұрын

Walking in eggshells can really wear out our emotional legs. ... what's the equivalent of stretching/yoga for a brain trying to relax? 😅

@taralilarose1

2 күн бұрын

Amen. You cannot even look at them the "wrong" way! Lol😂

For me, relaxation anxiety brought up the fear of being punished and attacked for being relaxed and calm because the narcissists in my past life absolutely forbid me to rest and relax.

@Scissor.sharp.

2 күн бұрын

SAME!

@dopplarwaves

2 күн бұрын

Same, they treat you like you're being selfish for taking a break 💔

@dianaschramer5065

2 күн бұрын

@@dopplarwaves I was accused of being lazy. I had to be running around like my hair was on fire all the time to please them. 🤮

@nickijames5122

2 күн бұрын

Omg this is so true sadly 😢

@mlcarey1000

2 күн бұрын

Well said! So true...

After I escaped the narcissistic abuse I was raised in (but long before I had a name for it) I had a weird thing occur. Whatever I was doing, I felt I should be doing the opposite. If I was gardening, I was overcome with the conviction of all the inside chores I should be doing. If puttering indoors, I was smitten with the thoughts of the garden and lawn duties. If sitting and relaxing doing needlework or reading, I was burdened with thoughts of all the other things I should be doing. It's so hard to be in the moment.......

@christinelamb1167

2 күн бұрын

I have this too, still to this day! You put into words what I experience all the time, every day.

@kristinezerby50

2 күн бұрын

This is my constant state of mind. Thinking about all the "shoulds" can drive a person crazy!!!

@barbaragreene5137

2 күн бұрын

I was made feel guilty constantly. I had three people who made my life hell. My Mother, Sister and my youngest brother. And funny thing I thought the sun shine out of them.

@aurora9687

2 күн бұрын

​@barbaragreene5137 I went ni contact with my mom, sis and little brother. I was their scapegoat. Not anymore...well, at least I don't have to hear about it.....I don't care about people that do not give 2 craps about me.

@shaniecegullison

2 күн бұрын

Same

Alone with my thoughts can be depressing. Alone with my thoughts can be enlightening. Alone with my thoughts can be scary. Alone with my thoughts is repetitive. Alone with my thoughts is still where I want to be. I used to be anxious about being alone. Then I found this channel. Now I would rather be alone, than in a room full of people who make me wish I was.

@cymbolichuman433

2 күн бұрын

Got the "me too's"

@shaniecegullison

2 күн бұрын

Yess

@gatheringmoss5726

2 күн бұрын

Brilliant! "I would rather be alone, than in a room full of people who make me wish I was." I'll be jotting that down and taping to my fridge.

@user-sc3hl7of9i

Күн бұрын

❤

It’s so sad having to recover from such a depleting traumatic frequency. It’s hard work to relearn to be human. A narcissist can drive someone to barbarism

@paulinemcfarlane4379

2 күн бұрын

Think of it as a learning curve and you will be able to recognise a narcissist a mile off. It's all in life's rich tapestry is how I see it

@Alexlittle9

2 күн бұрын

@@paulinemcfarlane4379 excellent

@user-sc3hl7of9i

Күн бұрын

Narc is like Satanic temptation. They will bring the worst and ugly and uncomfortable side of you. Beyond barbarism. Bad for soul and flesh. Idk what their use is in the universe 😮😂😂

No more wasting time, thinking about wasted time caused by narcissists, is a good start.

@Alexlittle9

2 күн бұрын

❤❤❤

@tevincyr

2 күн бұрын

... Easier said than done!... You obviously don't know anything about Narcissistic Abuse and it's long-term deep psychological effects!

@msbeckyleigh

2 күн бұрын

Exactly!

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

@christyr5649

2 күн бұрын

It's all very true. My soon to be ex husband did the same with other women on line! Then he told me the reason he did that was my fault as everything in my life was more important than him. He was on "Only Fans" and ran up a $7000+ credit card bill. They can NEVER be held accountable because it scares them, and because they have nothing to look inward about. Just lying all the time, and my narc (soon to be ex husband) drinks 6 nights out of 7.) It is the only way he knows to partially soothe his own pain. But then he becomes more abusive by trying to control me more and tell me how to act and what to do all the time! It doesn't end. I am waiting for low income housing to get away from him. I am a cancer pt and not able to work at this time. That was ok with him because then he could completely control me but then abuse me by telling me how worthless I am/was since I am not working! Anything to make himself superior! Sadly for him, I don't provide him supply or even listen to him anymore and he knows he can not control me. Soon I will have my own place and then I can be at peace with a new life!

@msbeckyleigh

2 күн бұрын

Same with me, my guy would seek out chicks w a complicated kinda situation so he could keep it under wraps easier. Total liar. Collection of relationships with so much bullshit told. Hurts heaps. I appreciate your comment thanks for posting im glad you’re out of your relationship. Yes mine would always say I abandoned him when i left. A fake crying poor him thing

When you take those small steps towards mindfulness, soon you will take one giant leap and the universe will follow.

Relaxation Anxiety is rehearsed Trauma personified in slow motion like a train wreck!

@Exiled.New.Yorker

2 күн бұрын

The CPTSD wont let you forget, so the rumination is always waiting to pounce on the quiet mind, like the Rehabbers in A clockwork Orange, and force you to retraumatise yourself from rerunning your own memories of childhood emotional torture.

Quiet time brings up the anxiety or fear of “when is the next shoe going to drop”. Always on edge about the next ambush. Creates the inability to relax. It takes baby steps to allow our bodies and souls to recover slowly. I’m 7 years away from the ex narc and still have a severe startle response.

Thank you Dr Ramani! Enjoy your alone time. You are a beautiful soul that has helped millions!

I like this term! It's exactly what I've experienced and I've heard others describe. I've heard people describe this as "waiting for the other shoe to drop" type of feeling. When things have calmed down in their lives, hypervigilance comes on-line, usually because of the narcissistic person's abuse-cycle. I also think when the nervous system is in a novel state (relaxation) it doesn't know what to do with it, so tries to get something going to bring you back to a usual (known) state of nervous system activation. It can take a long time to reprogram the nervous system so that it knows when it's safe. Thanks for your work Dr. Ramani!

Dr. Ramani, this is exactly how things have been. It has been two years, though the rumination continues. I set aside one hour daily (trying to). It’s getting there. Thank you for all you do!

Living with a narcissist is like your life is a train wreck about to happen. Then when it does happen, then there is the stress of how to put the pieces of your life together again. The problem is, you're still on that train until help arrives. The anxiety continues. . .

They try to keep you in a 'high pressure cooker'. It's the moment after you escaped this 'pressure cooker' and you dare to let sink in you were played and betrayed by the hands of the ones you love(d) and trusted. And then the anxiety kicks in. You feel a fool. Ashamed. And you wonder why you ever let it happen to you in the first place. Thank you Dr.Ramani, your compassion and validation are gold. And most of all, true life saving.

I used to have a 55 gallon fish tank. I loved watching them and found it very peaceful and relaxing. She hated it and told me it was bad luck🤦typical narcissist.

@lyndafowler-stevens9246

2 күн бұрын

@@youngblood8540 jealous of you enjoying something other than her.

Every time life would seem to settle, my covert narcissist (now ex) husband would suddenly kick off with manufactured chaos. I became scared to actually show that I was having a good day because inevitably he would find something to start up a new cycle. Once he was out of my life, I had to really work to let myself breathe and feel safe

@VampBalletDancer

2 күн бұрын

I've experienced the exact same thing. You explained it better than I ever could. Thank you for sharing and validating so many other's experiences.

@nickijames5122

2 күн бұрын

Yep, I get what you mean. I’m afraid to laugh or smile sometimes or even play my music, things that can make me feel abit better, in case he starts his crap again to ruin my moment of peace 😢

@lyndafowler-stevens9246

2 күн бұрын

@@clericoflight476 yep

This is a thing that dogged me for decades. Until I ran across this channel. I couldn’t sleep. Nighttime was fraught with anxiety or my mind trying to divert itself from anxiety. Once I identified the issue, I began seeing a therapist, gummies helped at the beginning to reduce the anxiety, now I am sleeping through the night for the first time. It’s incredible. Thank you Dr.Ramani.

@reneelibby4885

2 күн бұрын

so glad you are sleeping! so helpful

@tongou3277

2 күн бұрын

Walking on similar paths 😢keep praying for each other🥰

@serena1261

2 күн бұрын

✝️🙏

Through my healing journey, I kept myself in regular reality checks NOT to ruminate, as I was absolutely not going to continue dragging him around like a boat anchor for the rest of my life. My focus was to keep moving forward in life. That is a part of my daily routine. My love for gardening has helped me in so many ways. Breathing fresh air, getting my hands dirty, physical exercise, peace, calm and quiet, studying about plants to provide an optimum environment for their growth and seeing the rewards. Listening and watching the birds do their thing. It has been a beautiful way to live each day. Every once in a while, I'll get snagged by a rose bush thorn. It hurts, but not as deep as the narcissist's thorns.

What an important thing to share!!!🥳🥳🥳 I wonder if this is what many children with behavior issues are dealing with.

I get this often. I end up staying up, and going to bed late, sleepless night and little rest. Last night, I stayed up to put together a filing cart while watching KZread videos.

For years I had anxiety attacks just as my body drifted off to sleep. I still experience severe anxiety when "calm" sets in. I feel as if when I am quiet and calm or "positive" emotions come up, I must be doing something wrong. I must be missing something I need to deal with. It's overwhelming to deal with the effects of abuse even years later, there is very little rest. Thank you for your work.

Yes..Dr Ramani. You're so right. Just found the courage to leave, go into a Womens Shelter and file for Divorce after 35 years of Control, Manipulation and Gaslighting and living in so much Conflict and Chaos. I like my quiet moments where I now shed tears of relief in getting out even though I have no friends and he has turned all but one of my five children agsinst me. Am ok with that as I feel safe now while my health takes a priority. Thank you for your enlightening and encouraging videos. Am in Therapy too. Keep up the good work. We need you, some of us, desperately. . ❤❤❤

@Becca6296

2 күн бұрын

❤❤❤

@kates8183

2 күн бұрын

You'll make it through. I believe in you. Dr. Ramani helped me heal so much. I suggest signing up for her group if you can. It's more private than finding community here, which I felt was helpful.

@milo4902

2 күн бұрын

@@kates8183 Thank You. I will. ❤

@lovinglifehealth

Күн бұрын

Sending you love and all the best ❤ You deserve many blessings to come🙏💖

@milo4902

Күн бұрын

@@lovinglifehealth Thank You. ❤

Just stay away from those narcissists! Otherwise risk losing your sense of self and your mind. 😢

@lizkrinsky5209

2 күн бұрын

Unless you are born to one. The. You are stuck until you are old enough to get out and by that time your self confidence is probably shot or close to it and it's a battle. But yes, stay away or if you are with one get out as soon as you can.

@lyndafowler-stevens9246

2 күн бұрын

@@lizkrinsky5209 yes. That’s a tough one.

@Exiled.New.Yorker

2 күн бұрын

Twenty years of combat service with no pay and no VA to help us.

Wow so this hits really close to home for me. I was in a narcissistic relationship for 36 years. I am now 21/2 years separate but still struggling with all the side effects of being soo entangled. I am reconditioning myself. 3 weeks ago I had a heart attack. I’m 57, good shape, working out regularly and thought I was ‘relaxing’. Ended up in emergency, did an angioplasty. Told me I had a heart attack called Takotsubo or a ‘broken hearted’ heart attack. My heart was weak and inflamed, but no blockages or plaque. Surgeon ask me if I was under a lot of stress. He told me I had a stress induced, emotional heart attack. I was relaxing but under a lot of anxiety while I was ruminating about my situation. Thanks Dr R for your I sight

Ruminating thoughts can be tough, but it’s a good thing my mind doesn’t dare overthink anything.

My workaholic dad screamed at me as a kid when I was relaxing on the couch instead of doing a chore. The guilt of not ”doing,doing,doing” is still haunting me to this day.

This makes so much sense! I definitely have relaxation anxiety and, interestingly, I have anxiety when other people are relaxed around me.

@rcomyns4664

2 күн бұрын

Wow.. Had not thought about that. These days nearly everything and everyone makes me anxious. At least I know Why now, it's a place to start. Best if luck! ❤

Hi 👋. Yes now that you mention this, I struggle with the anxiety when I finally have a few quiet moments & especially when i1st wake up before the alarm goes off.

Thank you for addressing this 🙏 I’ve been healing from my experiences for a few years now and I still struggle with this.

I can hardly ever not think about my experience. It can completely overtake your life and consume you…

As a child, I would be punished when idle by a narcissistic parent. Being productive and multitasking is so ingrained in me that I cannot sit down as an adult. Sending love to anyone who has a similar problem. Relaxation anxiety is real!

I do believe that I do have relaxation anxiety after being married to a covert narcissist for 32 years. I can’t just be. Yet I realize I need more relaxation time

@unomeecj

2 күн бұрын

Same😢

@nickijames5122

2 күн бұрын

Same. I’ve been married to a covert narc for 29 years. I suffer with GAD anyway so I never switch off 😢

@unomeecj

2 күн бұрын

@nickijames5122 Covert narcissistic for 33 years. I tried to get out several times he got me pregnant on purpose. Our 5 year anniversary. It's horrible the last 2 years. I don't even recognize him. It gets worse and he makes me so crazy that I have brain fog. And I can't get my ducks in a row to get out... Add much more to the story

@unomeecj

2 күн бұрын

@@nickijames5122 It's hard to live in survival mode. Pretty much impossible like you're in a war for thirty three years

@gatheringmoss5726

2 күн бұрын

@@unomeecj The fact that you're watching these videos means that you have knowledge and understanding. All you need is courage and that's very hard to muster when the narc has you in such a fearful state of being. One day, you'll find your courage, because it's there and always has been, and that will be your new beginning.

Recently I participated in therapy for a sleep disruption that had been going on for a year and a half (after asking my narcissistic son to move out). When the therapist suggested I use breathing exercises at night and during the day, I told her they make me more anxious, not less. Now I have a name for it- Relaxation anxiety! Thank you again Dr. Ramani for helping me know I'm not crazy

I love living alone now! I'm still in 'freeze" mode though but working through it. I'm only one year out and my amygdala hasn't quite figured it out yet. So I rest and relax. And feel guilty about it. I'm working on the shame and guilt with my therapist. I'm very lucky to have one.

I think when they see you relax is when they decide to up the game

This was extremely helpful. Since losing my career at the hands of a malignant narc and being still involved in litigation, 2 yrs later, I have been amazed at my limited ability to focus, when that had always been something I'd excelled at in the past.(and rumination has veen an issue my whole life, now I see that this has exacerbated it).

Haha, as soon as you said relaxation anxiety, I tensed up. I now have a name for it. Thank you

Was told by a professional to breath deep and relax and by doing that started getting panic attacks she said that with a straight face...so thank you for confirming this for me

Really appreciated this video. For me, experiences that should be relaxing like a massage or a day lounging by a pool often begin as anxious and unpleasant but spiral into darker place, feeling fundamentally broken or ashamed for being unable to appreciate the good things in front of my face. I often feel very much like the only person to ever experience this feeling and it helps to know that is not the truth.

Relaxation anxiety is very real For most of my life anytime i took to relax brought up feelings of guilt like i wasnt entitled to relax On reflection this started in childhood & then with malignant ex as i could never be seen to relax , i was once lectured for taking a walk by the sea when kiddies were in school Trying to sleep at night was always a problem until i attended a course re - deep breathing & listening to deep sleep meditation every night This was of course post divorce..... narcissistic abuse steals your sanity and peace of mind Its takes daily working on becoming even half normal again Love this channel and its community ❤

Thank you so much! 100% True!

Good morning ❤Thanks for everything. Anxiety feels normal to me. I’m working on relaxing myself.

This is so true.even if I just have a few seconds of walking from the kitchen to the laundry room, here come the nasty thoughts of “why?” Always followed up with things I wish I had said when the perpetrator was lying and gas lighting me. I have flash thoughts and voices in my head of trying to verbalize to these horrid people the truth of what really happened. I know this is futile and I shouldn’t even care about setting them straight because they’re hopeless, but give me a few seconds of “relaxation” and there it goes again. This has been a very enlightening episode.

this is so accurate, but yeah, mindfulness, and insight meditation later - these things make a huge difference, after a few years practice. and on going.

@Becca6296

2 күн бұрын

A necessary tool for my brain

So true. If your mind isn't occupied or distracted it defaults into an anxious state of rumination making it impossible to relax.

The anxiety that I feel every day is when out of the blue, as I'm getting used to my 'alone' life, I feel content and enjoying things I suddenly get an intrusive thought about my Narc which puts me off balance. It's a passing thought that stays less and less each day and I am able to recover quickly and get on with things. 🍒

Thank you for your honesty and self-awareness. Yes, it's important to catch ourselves when we're rushing to distract ourselves from painful thoughts and emotions. Instead of the distraction, if we sit with the thoughts, and name the emotions, the pain abates, and we free ourselves.

Thank you for giving my anxiety a name. I have been living this daily and at the age of 59 I’m finally getting therapy and learning to stop shaming myself if I do stop and take time for me.

My husband is a grandiose, avoidant narcissist. We have 14 rescue dogs so when I am down with monthly chronic fatigue he is in charge of feeding and caring for them. It is so hard for me to relax because I never know if he is caring for them properly. Getting things done around the house and yard is nearly impossible unless I do them myself. I'm 68 and so tired of all this. So thankful for your channel so at least I know what I'm dealing with.

❤ Thank you for this insight… I think this gave me another piece of the puzzle…. What a relief to know I am not alone…. I am so grateful for this healing and heartfelt community…❤

I am currently reading your new book dear Dr. Ramani. You are literally saving my life. I was born into a narcissistic family ending up being the scapegoat/invisible child. Both parents and the sibling are Narcs. Life had been a roller coaster with them. On a healing journey for 4 years now, still a long way to go. But your guidance and validation is the saving grace. I am grateful that you exist. I wish you all the success in the world. Thank you for everything.

The recoverywork has been like being reprogrammed to me. One of the things has been relearning to sit in a peace and silent place. Doing nothing. This has taken years to relearn. I am happy, that today I enjoy peace. I enjoy silence. I enjoy my own company.

So grateful for these amazing insights from you @Dr R! 🎉 I find so much healing as a therapist myself! Thank you for your work!

I totally have relaxation anxiety. Since Covid, job loss, a loved one passing, doing trauma therapy and being emotionally abused by family members it’s super hard for me to be still. It’s been exhausting. I distract too much with food, tv/social media. A good reminder to work on processing things a bit more with mindfulness, checking in with me, journalling and therapy. Taking myself back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Thanks largely to your books and videos I am finally beginning to make sense of it all! I used to love time alone with my thoughts and could lay for 2 hours relaxing in the bath etc but over the years (24 years in relationship with covert narcissist) I've become increasingly unable to and now need to distract myself with reading/listening to a book or music to fill the silence. I absolutely cannot get to sleep without listening to an audiobook/podcast and if I wake during the night (as I often do), I have to resume listening to get back to sleep. I also really struggle with sensory overload, particularly to background sounds i.e. road noise when in the car, general noises when out shopping or in any busy area, this has also developed over the years and I had seriously begun to believe I may have ADHD though I'm starting to realise its all part of the trauma response! Thank you so much for all that you do for us ❤

Im just over 2 years out of a 10+ year narc abuse relationship and once again, Dr Ramini hits the nail on the head here and uncovers a huge thing like no one else could. Thank you again Dr R! I've learned to just sit with it in a place you know you should otherwise enjoy. I also rescured a little dog a few weeks after the break up..she sits with me on my boat in a harbor, we watch birds fly and just let it come..then go ..ive done this until the fear of it wears off...Im lucky to have hung on to the boat but the dog has been the real savior..highly recommend getting a pet if you can to help you heal. They are the antithesis of the narc.. Hang in there everyone and we love you Dr Ramini!

Relaxation anxiety is real. Having always been anxious and depressed, keeping busy was always my way; reading, writing, crafts, cleaning, baking, cooking. Just sitting in silence is almost torture but I can now do it in small increments but it is something that you do have to work up to. The very few calm and peaceful moments that I do get, I try to just be.

Trauma informed breathwork was the gift I needed to build emotional resilience and being safe in my mind, which happened only because I am in the process of releasing trauma. I am lighter, freer and far more me, less their story. I totally vibe with the art of titration, just a few seconds, then minutes, then in time as long as you need.

I used to cry myself to sleep, not really knowing why. Now I know. Thank you, Dr. R.

I get it! After leaving my nex of 44 years, I found it very difficult to relax and not be constantly doing something. I struggle with being anxious and feelings guilt for trying to finally take care of myself. It felt so foreign and still does at times. Yesterday morning as clouds were coming in, I sat in my chair and just watched them, trying to relax. Then the rumination started. 😢

This might relate. The other day, my wife was out of the house. I was laying in bed. I heard a sudden noise at the door, like a tap. Instantly I had a jolt of fear run through me. It quickly subsided just as soon as it hit - because I realized, nope my wife had not come back. Thank you Dr. for all of your help.

For me, the anxiety I feel during a period of calm equals the calm before the storm. A short period of quiet and rest before the next onslaught of chaos. When living with a narcissist, you get used to the drama and chaos they create. So, any moment when that’s not occurring, there’s a feeling of dread with the calmness that it will be followed by another crisis and more chaos! There really isn’t any moment of peace even during the period calmness. It’s just a gap where you try and catch your breath and brace yourself for the next tornado!

The concept of relaxation anxiety reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw, "Jesus is coming. Look busy!" It's as if you are in a constant state of worry about some impending doom, real or imagined. In seriousness, relaxation anxiety can exist in a workplace run by a narcissist. At a previous job with a narcissistic supervisor this was the case with me. If you were not one of the "top performers" in the department you were subjected to harsh criticism, ridicule and insults by the supervisor and whoever was around the water cooler for sitting down quietly, eating a snack, or waiting for the next meeting. The same supervisor has been known to reprimand some employees for making friends or just conversing with anyone outside the department if it did not pertain directly to work. How did the narcissist supervisor know? Sometimes he just "knew." The department was almost cult-like in its operation; not allowing you to have a moment to yourself for quiet time or self reflection and isolating you from others who might provide otherwise refreshing feedback from outside the department. To the best of my knowledge, other departments in the same company did not run like this And while all the garbage was mostly insigated by the supervisor and his immediate cronies, it was HIS boss, the actual head of our department, who condoned such behavior by tacit consent

Oh, absolutely this is something I struggle with. It's in fact one of my biggest problems. I also struggle with the feeling of "why would I even try to get out of my comfort zone if I don't have enough perseverance? Any effort will be in vain". I feel like I'm fighting myself 24/7

No Good Reason for this Abuse,EVER! Reading about other's pain has helped Me understand my own pain

I thought this was going to be a video about not being able to relax because the narcissist does not allow it otherwise risk being punished. Which has been my situation. If the man I married doesn't see me running ragged from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed then he gets upset. He feels I don't deserve to have any down time since he works for a [comfortable] paycheck FROM HOME and I'm a stay-at-home mom. Once 5pm rolls around he literally does nothing and practically watches me continue to run ragged and does not participate in anything after work. And let's not forget I was running ragged the whole time he was working from home too so he's well aware I'm on my feet and doing a million things while he's working. But he feels entitled to be the privileged one to not have to do anything after 5pm. Then turn around and crack the verbal whip at me for wanting to take a break at the same time because I'm not making a paycheck like him therefore I never earn the right to take time out for myself to relax. I don't know about you, but to me, THIS feels like slave labor dictated by a sadistic tyrant. If i could give it a name I'd call it "domestic slave labor abuse".

Thank you so much. Lots of love and gratitude from Egypt ❤

Kinda reminds me of feeling safe enough & not distracted... Then feeling the reality of painful past experiences when I was in survival mode for years.

My worst time is often just after i have wakened up in the morning but don't want to actually get up yet. I start feeling soo bad and it's not getting me anywhere, so then i do get up and distract myself with what i need to do. Usually this works ok and i just feel sad that i don't yet feel at peace when i wake up, and wondering, sadly, if i ever will. I was hit with news that made me understand how much i had fooled myself about a year ago now.

I'm 66 years old and I only found out about narcissistic behaved. Everything made sense. I always felt my mother didn't like me when I was a child. My sister was dad's pet and my baby brother who turned 60 last week dad idolised him. My brother and my sister lied about things I was supposed to have done. I loved them so much and would do anything for them. My mother emotionally blackmail me so I wouldn't leave her.

For me, it's akin to a ticking time bomb-you know it's inevitable, just not when. It's a kind of unrest that only those who experience it understand it's more than anxiety.

Looking back, I experienced this early in my realization of my narcissistic relationship. I had gone on a school trip with my two oldest sons (8th and 11th graders at the time). Things were rough in my marriage and would get more challenging over the next few years before things leveled off. It was on that trip that I realized I didn't know what to do with myself because my husband had been controlling what I thought and other aspects. I ended up having a room to myself and it was so weird because I could watch what I wanted without being questioned and I could get up and do whatever I wanted without question! I honestly felt guilty and couldn't figure out why. I really didn't even miss my husband on that trip or subsequent trips because I enjoyed the freedom so much. I didn't realize how much I had lost until I was on my own!

I am “afraid” to ask to do anything no matter how simple it may be

I noticed I've been leaning forwards with my body tense like I was braced for something while sitting in the garden. Intentionally leaned back in the chair the one day after noticing. I'll try to remember to breathe deeply and smell the flowers. Nasturtiums smell really good. I have jumped while in the bath or jumped out of the bath when there were unexpected sounds. Had a long flackback while in the bath before. Lost complete awareness of actual surroundings. Still feels good to have a bath though and sometimes it helps with sleep. I do ruminate a lot too.

I like this 'relaxation anxiety" - you have diagnosed what I have been feeling for months! Fidgety, nervous, hard to sleep. Thanks Dr. R!

Even when I'm away from them, I'm always worried about what text I may get, what if I have to ask a question, what response will I get. I get myself in a tizzy, trying to keep up with everything. I've started to get a little better since I've put up boundaries, except they don't respect that and have made the stress worse. Trying hard to reset ,relax and disengage Thank you for all these videos.

I noticed this a few years ago while caregiving for my mom. I was running constantly and getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night regularly. When I got in the shower or sat down to eat I’d panic. Also when laying down to go to sleep.

It's like an oxymoron.relaxation anxiety! It's so uncomfortable and yet finally I want to be curious just a little. I want to avoid previous comfortable anxiety!

theres another piece to this, i was never Allowed to relax, to just sit, read, take a bubble bath. have a coffee.

I thought I was crazy. Thanks for explaining this!

My husband's doctor recently diagnosed him with anxiety, he has high blood pressure, and gave him some medication my husband hasn't found time to take. He didn't believe it when i told him he had no peace and he needs to get some. I've also realized lately that loud noises, like something falling, scare the heck out of him and I hate to think what his childhood was like. However, his 70 year old narc mother also never has peace and never will. She's so delusional and cant check in with herself that she thinks she is in good health, besides being overweight, but is going to waste away, hopefully soon.

My first narcissistic husband did not like it when I did nothing useful (to him)... even playing piano should have been geared towards perfection so that he could enjoy it fully. When I was in hospital two consecutive weekends (two different children), he criticized me for not spending the time praying or something useful.

That’s my current situation after getting out of 16 years of marriage with a narcissist. Divorce just got over a week ago, I thought I would be free, happy, excited and enjoying my life like a free bird.. but instead, here I am blaming myself, thinking about the rights-wrongs, why did I stay back. Why didn’t I leave- doing all these postmortem!!

I think the injustice of it all is to see someone unpunished walking free after leaving so much trauma behind . I’d like to think there is a justice and karma will catch up to them

Mindfulness has helped me. I had lost myself and as I have gone through mindfulness I have learned so much about myself and realized I am not who the narcissist said I was. I believed the lies and now I am so much clearer on who I am and what I want in life.

I feel like I can’t “settle” when I’m home alone. I always need to be doing something and feel guilty if I’m not being productive.

I have not experienced this. Long before I knew anything about narcissism, I’ll say I remember a couple of people in my distant past, that said something to the effect of, “Ill keep you hoppin’. In fact, I remember having a boss like this and, once I notified his boss, his boss told him that, if he didn’t change his manner, he could go find another job. But, I also got this from neighbors. Even if it’s not said, it is hinted at, that, because they decided it, retired early, that another neighbor is going to be needing me to take care of him, if he got sick, that I am going to be one busy person. Instead of relaxation anxiety, it has caused that idea to backfire, for a number of people I’ve known. That, even if they hardly knew me, they apparently took one look at me and started having some weird image in their mind, that they were to do as they pleased, while I lost sleep over what I “hadn’t” done for them. Hardly the case and 2 opposing thoughts and realities. I have seen the type of people, likely to get relaxation anxiety however. I have felt bad for them. Because they’re too externally-referenced and I know they just don’t know how to get out of it. They often live a life of no personal goals, they give up their health, prosperity, and future, for people who see them as none other than an object to use. Narcissists love these kinds of people and all of the dynamics and intricacies of it make for an ugly picture. For me, personally, I can see how it isn’t simply knowing how to say no and having boundaries. It is getting snagged up in someone else’s entitlement, prejudices about my gender and race and needing to be hyper vigilant, because it becomes a fight I actually have to protect myself from, because these types don’t take no for an answer. They proudly wear a sandwich board saying that they will treat you like dirt and they’re not about to reconsider and back down. Well, they’ve lost many a fight to me.

Yes, wish you luck and no more ruminations. As I wish it for myself. Being busy is the best solution to avert my anxieties. For a short time. It is complicated when one is elderly.

Everyday!... learning how to let it go...However, finding this did not only begin with my spouse but some other members in my family have revealed themselves to be another source of this anxiety. Prayers counteract the effects of the noises in my head, the used space they have taken there that my Narcissists left behind. My prayers have filled the void with hope and affirmed the person I have always been.

I was afraid to slow down or relax because I would let me guard down. I was always afraid of letting my guard down.

Soo bang on!! In the initial days of recovering, being with my mind felt like suicide and I depended heavily on distraction to sail through. And do meditation was the worst advice as even trying to meditate or being in the quiet would bring up a lot of anxiety.

I thought that this was only me. Thank you for validating my feelings YET AGAIN, Dr. R.! ❤❤❤

This is exactly what I have been in 4 decades 😢I’m working on surviving this with Dr Ramini’s help through videos. I can’t thank Dr enough for her great work to help people like us

I relate to this completely. I am a single mum and have very low social life except my job. I have only my old dad here who is toxic so i had to learn to put distance with him. I find myself many times alone and lonely. Sometimes i'm good and sometimes not. I also split with a manipulative person 2 months ago, bit narcissistic too and everyday when i'm in quiet time, these thoughts, sadness and even panic attacks come especially when i feel very lonely. The emotions are overwelhming and it feels i can't control myself and i feel the anxiety in my whole body. It's a long journey to recover

Dr. Ramani, you deserve the peace of mind that you facilitate for us all with the expert insight, knowledge, and compassion you share with such sparkling clarity. Even a champion, as you are, needs to lay down her shield at th door in a safe place and immerse in a sweet, long rest. Please do that for yourself. You are literally a lifesaver, we love you, are infinitely grateful for you, and want to support you in finding your peace. ❤🙏🏻🕊🥰

Relaxing even a little now feels like being reborn.... incredible

I found after decades of narcissistic abuse , distraction was actually worse for me . Relaxation anxiety is SO real ! However going no contact for most of this year and radically accepting that these people will never change has helped me heaps . I still have relaxation anxiety at times because I’ve chosen to become somewhat reclusive. When the anxiety comes now I challenge it , I say to myself bring it on and sit with it . I remember all the shocking abusive behaviours , then it’s almost weakens the anxiety demon. I hope this can help anyone going through this , it’s tough at first but it does lessen after a while . Distraction actually cause me more anxiety, I guess we’re all different, I urge everyone going through this to seriously get Dr Ramani book 📖 “ Its not you “ sending best wishes and healing to all ❤

Just being is exhausting. Then I feel guilty. It’s a rotation between these two feelings. It has been years now being away from my totalitarian theocratic religious system. 5 years and it’s so hard to relax and stay inside myself and just think.

Oh my gosh, I had 2 panic attacks while relaxing. I couldn't understand it, because I thought there was "no reason" for it. The strange thing is that for the longest time, I could only relax in church, because I felt safe and loved there. Recently, I had some health problems that forced me to slow down and ironically, this has been healing for me because it has forced me to deal with this problem (that I didn't know was a problem).