And remember, a pet won't fix relationship problems either 😅

@the_glitter_is

2 жыл бұрын

I think raising a puppy together prior to having kids doesn't hurt.

@melaniea8239

Жыл бұрын

@@the_glitter_is Yeah I think it helps, too. Especially regarding learning shared responsibility, learning the signals of someone that does not speak any human language. (This goes in general for dogs and cats), but with a pup, you can also practice the sleep deprivement.

@jameesmith2843

Жыл бұрын

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

@probsnooneyouknowtbh3712

Жыл бұрын

I don't think it's a good idea to get a dog (or any other animal) for any other reason than because you truly want one, after you've learned about their natural behavior, how long they live, and how to properly care for them and meet *all* their needs both physical and mental. Yes, animals can teach us a lot, and that's great, but it should never be at their expense. People need to be honest with themselves and if they're not going to be able to truly keep up the same level of care of the dog after they have a kid, they shouldn't get a dog in the first place. They're not a teaching tool that you can just discard once you're done with them. I'm not saying anyone here is suggesting they are, I just want to point it out. (Also I don't think most people who do that do it intentionally, I think life just gets busy and the dog ends up getting pushed to the side. But it's still not okay, which is why I say, people really need to be honest with themselves about whether they'll be able to *properly* care for the pet their entire life.)

To me, baby changed everything. We had a baby and the dynamic changed so much, he decided to stay out and had fun with his people, found another women and eventually it led to divorce. We were married 7yrs prior to the baby and it was fine, the baby was born and he started cheating. Having a baby is a life changing experience for sure.

@julietardos5044

2 жыл бұрын

That is not uncommon. Abuse also escalates during pregnancy and the early childhood years.

@raraavis7782

2 жыл бұрын

Damn, that sucks. So sorry. Does he help take care of the kid, at least?. I never had kids for a number of reasons...the fear of that happening being one of them. I've been hit on by so many married men in my life...even ones with young kids at home. It's depressing. Currently on the dating market at age 41 and like 90% of men trying to hook up with me are not, in fact, single.

@na0228

2 жыл бұрын

@@raraavis7782 He is in Norcal, I'm in Socal. not too much help, but he comes maybe every other weekend. and he hasn't paid for child support almost 3yrs. the most important thing about having kids is who you have the kids with. not when or how, as long as you have a decent partner, coparenting will be easier in the worst case.

@raraavis7782

2 жыл бұрын

@@na0228 I'm sorry to hear that. Splitting up is one thing...not helping take care of a kid, you helped create, to your best abilities is just completely rotten behavior. All the best to you!

@na0228

2 жыл бұрын

@@raraavis7782 Thank you! I totally see dating is difficult now. I'm struggling too! Hopefully we find someone good soon 🙏

My daughter did CHANGE everything. She made me realize that I couldn’t stay in my abusive relationship. I had a moment, holding my daughter (8 months old) as my ex screamed at and belittled me (gaslighting). I realized that 20 years from then, she’s be in the same place, because she was going to learn that it was okay, when it wasn’t. I realized that to protect her, I had to run with her. Because we had tried therapy and he refused to participate. He thought (and still thinks) therapy is stupid and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. So I ran. So she did fix everything. She was the motivation for me to make the changes that I needed to make to set our lives on a healthier path.

@RainbowSunshineRain

Жыл бұрын

Congrats on your courage and love for tour daughter. I was begging my parents to divorce because I couldn’t live with their conflicts anymore. My mom said I was exagerating and that all families are like that. ..

@roxanelvgsch

Ай бұрын

Congratulations!!!!

If someone wanted to promote broken homes, it’s EXACTLY the kind of advice you’d give. 😄

My husband and I had a fairly healthy relationship and similar attitudes towards parenting when we decided to start our family. The biggest challenge we ran into was that with a baby in the house, everything we didn't want to deal with could be put off while we focused on our new center of the universe. We went away for a weekend without her when she was about a year old, and realized we had not had a significant conversation since her birth that was not about her or logistics involving her care. Over the years we have periodically recognized that this continues to be our pattern. Now we are in that stage where our two amazing adult offspring no longer live with us but still keep a lot of their stuff here. We are discovering that we still like each other without the kid buffer, but finding closeness is a challenge. The only other difficulty with bringing children into our partnership was one we didn't predict. I, the physically cautious and deliberate sort who never even attempted a wheelie on my bike, turned out to be comfortable with giving our kids space to try things out for themselves. My husband, a more physically adventurous sort who broke bones waterskiing and doing moguls on the ski slope and jumping off second-story decks pretending he was an action hero, wouldn't even let them walk upstairs without holding his hand until they went to kindergarten. The kids somehow internalized that conflict; they could climb trees all day while I was home and they'd be fine. Dad would come home, I would assure him that our girls were safe and capable -- and within minutes one of the little traitors would fall out of the tree and land on her face.

@gman854

Жыл бұрын

little traitors haha

In my experience, parenting has a tendency to expose wounds that you didn't know were still there. My partner and I were in a solid place when we decided to have a kid (and we still are), but man, just watching our daughter grow makes it so obvious where our upbringings were lacking. I remember one time just seeing how much my daughter responded to having a comforting hug and it suddenly hitting me that I don't remember getting the same from my own parents. I remember how much effort it took for me to be okay with human touch. That's a wound that had nothing to do with my partner, but because we were in a solid place, we were able to talk it through together.

What my husband and I did before getting married is talk about what parenting styles we thought we'd have. I made it clear that I am fully against corporal punishment. We also talked about number of kids, if we are open to adoption, and views on IUI and IVF. I have known many couples where infertility and the stresses killed their marriage so I wanted to be clear on my thoughts. A big thing that made me feel secure was even though we talked about having two kids, my husband (then boyfriend) said that once we had one, if either of us felt one is enough, we need to be open to that. Life is so unpredictable, I liked that he was open to change.

I absolutely love these two as a couple! I initially learned of Jonathon from Cinema Therapy (absolutely awesome)- which led me to this channel. Not always as humorous (obviously), but they give such a healthy, equitable, grounded, open-minded view of family- it just gives me a lot of hope for humanity.

@jamiebeckitt6792

2 жыл бұрын

Same

@aniamaria5380

2 жыл бұрын

Same here! I really appreciate their work - it's amazing.

My husband and I love our daughters, but two newborns was more than enough stress for our marriage. Probably the most stressful of our lives! I’m grateful they’re older, more independent and (most importantly) still alive 🤣 Bring a parent is terrifying!

I've always said that a Baby can make a marriage increase in the direction it was headed. Meaning that if the couple is full of love and support, a baby can increase that love and support within the family. If that couple was having marriage problems, a baby will increase those problems.

I feel like watch these vidios and cinima therapy help me prepare my future and helps me understand that it is ok to feel thees emotions and how to help others. Thank You

Charmed (1998) taught me how to communicate. In a later season Piper goes to therapy with her partner and use the tools they learnt to communicate more effectively and Darryl says that he and his wife credit therapy for them still being together.

While children can make a couple feel closer but when that time is right. Adding children won't fix issues you already have.

I really love that you spelled out how barely anyone had the positive example and how the "good old days" weren't all that great. And then again some things were better cause they were at least balanced somewhat even though it was somewhat unfair on everyone by today's standards

I come from a home where my parents didn't have a healthy way to deal with conflict, among other things. But have been trying to be aware of my actions when conflict with my partner comes up. These videos always help me to keep this in mind and focus on how to be better

i LOVE that when one of them is talking you can tell the other is 110% listening!

You’re right that you aren’t really ever ready to have kids. For my relationship with my husband we wanted to wait 5 years to see how we do in different situations (from financial stress to our successes). We also wanted to figure out what we do and don’t agree on especially on how we would raise our kids. Once we felt like a cohesive team we were ready to start a family.

I can say no baby born or brought (I was adopted) can fix an already broken marriage. I was adopted 8 years after they had a child and their marriage had socioeconomic problems, infidelity (adopted mother cheated dad caught her with brother in tow..alledgedly) . Maybe it was trendy in the late 60s early 70s to adopt. I got dragged into the madness and they divorced in the late 70s. So I think it just delays the inevitable. Honestly think they should have read Elizabeth Kubler Ross's book on death and dying and apply it to their relationship.

@arlenehohneker9053

2 жыл бұрын

To this day I wonder what brought my adoptive parents together in the first place nothing in common and Leo Pisces relationships seldom work out

“What’s Rush Hour? Who’s Chris Tucker?” THIS is why Jonathan has a movie wife. 😂🤣😁

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

SO true!

We've just had a baby and it is challenging but I'm so fortunate that i chose the best partner, the best possible father.

We didn't plan and to be truthful I was so hormonal for at least an year after having my kid it would be impossible for me to predict how much it changed me. And I'm very grateful to my husband to stick with me for that crazy hormonal phase. Now 3 years later we are in a good spot. Back to managing our disagreements in a healthier manner.

The thought of having a baby was offered to me when our relationship was half-dead. I wanted children really badly for years and I think my then fiancee wanted to escape from that really dark place he went to and from where I never seemed to be able to get him out of. In the end, I broke our engagement and really relieved I don't have a child with me - although I still would very much love children. It took me time to realise he probably wanted a child for the wrong reasons. He was also very passive in solving our problems. The solution should have always been my job. He even said to me he only told me he'd come to therapy with me so I would leave him alone for a while (I told him I give us x months to fix things on our own and if we fail, we should see a therapist.) I feel cheated to have the option offered to me to have a child because I wanted it for so long. But it would have been disasterous.

My parents had an agreement that whoever asked for a divorce, had to take the five kids with them. They've been together for 60 years now!

My parents planned to start a family after 5 years of marriage; it turned into 9. I remember that my parents explained mine and my sister's birth as something that was carefully planned.

You didnt have to be Twilight into this. That weird creepy baby has *no place* !

My aunty tried this twice. Didn't work the second time either

This conversation would be more complete if you acknowledged why having a baby is appealing and why people believe it WILL fix things. Without that understanding the rest of the conversation is just a to-do list.

A weird thing happened to me when I had kids. Or my first. My partner and I got together young and been through a lot. Multiple challenges with money, my health challenges, his previous trauma etc. And I thought we were in am excellent place to have kids. We both did. And in a way we were right. Bbuuutt ..I was in a terrible place with work bullying. My self worth kept going down, and down...and I was just burnt out. But because I was high risk pregnancy I came out of that suddenly. I was away from that environment and suddenly feeling better about myself. For me...and this isn't a case with everyone...but I was lucky that I was able to bond really quickly with my son. Then immediately fell into a group that are still my very close friends. Anyway...there's a lot of details to this whole thing but I was away from abuse but also my self worth was boosted by 'ok well I guess I suck at a lot of things but I cam do this mothering thing.' I had a lot of support from my parents and my friends but a child did strengthen our relationship because It created more....I guess you could say healthy conflict? I was able to create more healthy boundaries with so many people including my partner because I was away from abuse and able to feel good about myself again. But...this is a weird circumstance but it's a case where the child did actually help but in a really roundabout way.

Heh. Pertaining to those comments at the very end of the video... yes, I actually would be happy to spend the rest of today watching Mended Light videos, because I have a stressful day still ahead, and I'd be glad to take a break. But no, I need to get back to work. Even so, thank you for offering, you two.

Sonia T. I completely understand and agree with you this wonderful couple, has taught me so much, considering my parents divorced when I was young and I never really had a healthy relationship picture, much like Jonathan growing up .

My husband and I are fawn and freeze instead of fight or flight. He learned a lot about good effective healthy communication before we met and then passed it on to me, a lot by example. We were lucky and blessed to have found each other and built the wonderful relationship that we have despite the terrible examples that our parents set.

Hello! Would you be able to make a video on how to properly fight in a relationship? How to handle conflicts and how to reconnect and get back to "normal" after a serious argument or discussion about the relationship? I didn't find one on the channel about this topic, and I would like to know your thoughts. Thanks so much for the videos!

They were calling me out in the end credits when they said that I should watch mended light videos all day.

Resolve. I love this. This makes me think of a musical resolve. I struggle with fight and flight. I love this Third option. Resolve

1:13 🤣🤣🤣 showing the Twilight frankenbaby..🤣🤣🤣

What you are saying is what the advice the Holderness parents got in their marriage counseling

would love for "stress" to be better defined, because tons of babies were born during the the pandemic and everybody was stressed!

I could not agree more. Itotally see it like the image of the fundament for your house to build on. It has to be stable to consider building the walls. In fact, my mother told me she thought the same when my older sister was born. It only added more tension. Still she did never want a single child, and wanted the both of us close in age, so I arrived in the familiy too. And so much was toxic during my childhood until the present day . Still today she says it would likely have been better to divorce back then, before us kids (instead of waiting until we were teens to "understand" the situation better) but then we would not exist and according to her she's for our childhoods despite everything else.

Finally doing something about it, but, when I had my son, my ex pulled back. It was nothing he said, but, there was a feeling, he pulled back from me, and let me "get on with it". Fast forward, about six weeks ago, I finally told him, how it had felt. To his credit, he accepted responsibility, and he has apologized. I believe I dealt with post partum depression, and yeah. Finally getting some help.

Really good video! Do you mind covering how to know when you’re done with having kids? Even if it’s after one or two?

While I wouldn’t recommend it, having a baby fixed my marriage. My husband and I were getting a divorce when my daughter was born. In the process of learning to be good coparents, we learned how to be good partners and ended up dismissing the divorce.

@tessat338

2 жыл бұрын

It's not impossible. What you two actually achieved is the wildly optimistic goal of this kind of advice, but it is a risky gamble that doesn't always work out, and the consequences of failure are daunting if it doesn't work out. For a close connection of mine, having a baby right out of high school was the making of her as a human being, but I sure wouldn't advise anyone to try that in an attempt to reach similar results. The relationship that produced the baby didn't survive though the baby did. Both parents went on to marry other people.

@ksenia5199

2 жыл бұрын

@Tessa T Like I said, I wouldn’t recommend it. It would maybe be more accurate to say that having a baby gave us the motivation to fix our marriage. Having a kid didn’t make things magically fall into place.

@lucykoelle6602

2 жыл бұрын

@@ksenia5199 I did notice you mentioned would not recommend.

My aunt and uncle tried it. Surprise surprise it didn't work. They used to write down a timetable to decide when one of them stayed at home with the baby and the other one had a free evening, so they didn't have to spend time together. It didn't take a year to divorce.

This is so great. I am someone who emotionally vents, and then comes back and apologises and approaches it calmer. And that's not normally a large amount of time to do that either. Talking about sh!t that therapists say, as a teen I had brief counselling in high school and I was super stressed and getting bullied and all the rest of it. And her advice was to "start a fight with your boyfriend every now and then". This was the worst advice I got in hindsight, it started a slippery slope of fighting, but it did bring out his ugly side and I ended up ending that relationship. But still. Absolutely terrible advice to come from someone who was supposed to be a professional.

Also, because everyone resolves conflict differently each relationships conflict resolution will look different🤗

Is there a video where Johnathan and Alicia talk about how they met? I’d love to see that 👏

It's true you are never ready. It was weird, I should have had children earlier. We would have had more energy and drive. But having kids older I think we are more patient while not having the energy so the kids are coming out a little on the independent side 😅

he worst thing a "therapist" did to me was, and I say "therapist because they were a school counsellor but on with the story, I had just changed over to a new therapist because of the time I could get there and the one I transferred from informed the new one that I was having suicidal thoughts and that I didn't open up easily. So, I was doing zoom meetings at the time because of COVID. we had the first meeting on zoom and was ready to meet in person, COVID had died down, and she had the audacity to say oh you’re doing pretty good at this very moment so we should stop doing this, this has then stopped me from seeking support all because I don't feel that I was good enough for their time, which I was also dealing with in other aspects.

You know, my husband is a good guy; my 2 kids are awesome (most of the time). However, now all three of 'em are hounding me to bring a new member to our family, and my mind is like... no, thank you? It's just a great responsibility and to start over with the whole dipers and crawling phase... it's just a big decision to make, I believe.

I can’t believe they put a clip of the creepy twilight CGI baby in here 😂

Interesting, I'm part of a very religious community, and I don't think a single person in my church would have encouraged my husband and I to have kids if our marriage was on the rocks! I really appreciate you saying that you'll probably never be "ready" for kids, because that's my experience. My husband and I just loosely decided on a "deadline" and I'm glad we did it that way because having children absolutely does grow you as a person- as long as you're willing to let it. So far I'd say that having children has strengthened our marriage, but that's probably because it was already in a good place. If it had been in a bad place, there would have been a lot of temptation to lash out, blame each other, etc because of the lack of sleep and the general anxieties that come with having a baby in the house.

knowing how jon feels about twilight it’s so funny that breaking dawn clips were used in this 💀

A baby most definitely can strengthen a relationship and bring closeness but most definitely will not create closeness and strength if you were already broken. It will most definitely make things worse if you weren't in a good place to begin with. The most important thing when deciding to have a child is not if you can afford it but if you as a couple are in an emotional place to bring another child to the world.

What if one of you decides they don't want more kids but the other is insistent that they do? Not really a lot of room for compromise there. Do you just call it quits?

My parents did this and next thing you know my dad is like "adios" and we haven't seen him for fucking 10 years and now I hate my own existance

Saw your thumbnail & clicked forward to see what y'alls baby looked like & literally landed on the monstrosity that is the 1:13 mark. My condolences for your Twilight baby.

Umm... Comments on the fact that Twilight was used for illustration?

:Laughs in childfree: I thank myself every day for not having bred

On a separate note: Alicia is one of the most gorgeous people I have ever seen. Just gonna leave this here.

Generational trauma stops with me! Because I refuse to have children lol.

Do therapists actually advise this????

@VioletEmerald

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah where's the story behind a therapist actually saying this??

@pigpjs

2 жыл бұрын

I know someone who's a "Christian therapist" who absolutely learned this from her unaccredited fundamentalist Christian college. I could see a vulnerable couple in her church being advised to go to her and her giving this advice. They would mistakenly call her a therapist because she is not licensed but refers to herself as one.

I keep thinking about Mad About You. They're trying to get pregnant and it's not happening to the point that they break up. It's not until they mend their marriage that they finally get pregnant. I left out the details so people can watch it without totally being spoiled by this comment. You need to have a good marriage before you have kids because maybe you're not meant to be or maybe you need to talk to have an understanding of being on the same page.