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"We are committed and loyal to monogomy to such an extent that we are not committed and disloyal to the people we've married." Powerful words.

My husband and I started at .64. I think we're up to .84 now.

Savage is not just tremendously educational, compassionate and sophisticated. He is also funny!!!

I'm an old lady who LOVES the company of gay men, simply because the equality is genuine, and the communication is more honest! Dan Savage, you're openness is SO refreshing!!!

I can take or leave monogamy. What I don't compromise on is the lying about it. The worst kind of partner is the one who demands monogamy and then does not follow through.

@Themystergamerr

5 жыл бұрын

Ranger4402 💯💯💯

@Serai3

5 жыл бұрын

And Dan's point just flies right over your head.

@assttosaidadesilets7712

5 жыл бұрын

I agree. Because it can be life-threatening when a partner 'cheats', gets an STI, and shares that with their partner. I would love to hear more about the responsibility that comes with the freedom to make erotic choices. We often behave like our consciousness 'disappears' when it comes to arousal, but that's conditioning. Here's to embracing our the natural maturity journey of our erotic selves.

@garygansbrubaker

5 жыл бұрын

@chow tt If only!

@garygansbrubaker

5 жыл бұрын

@chow tt Um, no, chow it, you have been hanging out with some twisted bitches These are the bullshit Lies I saw from Lyndon LaRouche nut jobs back in the 1980s, because these claims are not substantiated and LaRouche is/was a provocateur, whose unstable fools would claim with their bigoted bulletins while attempting to draw you into his Cult of Extremist Ideals. These tracts were photocopied to the point where they were barely legible, and were part of his followers' set up on a table. They were usually located near various subway entries in NYC, attempting to promote homophobia, THEY FAILED. These false statements reflect far more on your personal fantasies and repressed sexuality than it is based in fact. Scatological Obsessive Disorders can occur with male or female, and amongst every sexuality, but it is an extremely rare behaviour that I have never personally engaged into this unhealthy addition to anyone's diet, including yours, so please don't come to my door, asking if you could borrow a cup of crap because you ran out this morning. I will kick your sorry arse back to the States. Now about the Myth that Gay Men "have thousands of partners." If only! Did you watch Dan's discussions about monogamy and the LGBTQI+ Community? As in every type of sexuality there are likely to be some gay men that have engaged in sex with many men. If you ever saw Dan's husband you would probably want to tap that arse, because he's fucking hot. Smoking hot body, and Dan has always been a very handsome man, and they make a very handsome couple. And they have an open relationship, but I would suspect that their extramarital sexual activities are not a never-ending daisy-chain of fucking. They are fathers, they have very busy work schedules, and for a majority of their many years together they have realised that they were comfortable enough in their own sexual and intimate relationships to open theirs up to other sexual trysts, and for swingers there are boundaries and rules that many couples of all sexualities that permits sexual experiences with each other or on their own, and perhaps they would be comfortable about the distinction between sexuality and sensuality/intimacy.There's a difference, and if you don't get it perhaps you can write to Dan in order to help you understand this. The boundaries probably discuss what they consider permissible and what is not. Judging by Dan and his Husband they probably discuss these moments openly and without judgements, but if you have been writing about sex for 25 years you notice some lessons that have do's and don'ts when it comes to other people.I don't know, and it is none of my business. I am disabled and single. My disability is genetic, which makes it impossible to pass on to others, but even if I didn't have an ultra-rare disability I am not a man that wants to share what I can do with others. I also realise that if that day arrives and I get married to my best mate and husband there could possibly be a point where my disabilities are going to diminish my sex drive. I'm on a load of medications that diminishes my sex drive. It's a neurodegenerative, ultra-rare disability that is not always fun. If I were to be so fortunate to marry a man that I will love forever I need to be comfortable knowing that there will come a point when his sex drive would excel past mine, and I will need to be comfortable in this, because with only 42 other people are diagnosed with my Disability research and the development of a cure is unlikely. I would need to one day be selfless and learn to accept that he might meet someone for the release some sexual tension that I will not be able to accommodate his sexual needs. I want to be on PReP, but I also want to assure that neither one of us passes any STI to the man that I love, and that protectionism would be reciprocated. There will come a point when holding him, being held by him and kissing, touching and connecting with that man that has my complete love and respect for the rest of my days in this life would be a dream come true. I have had sex once in the past decade. I was engaged when the onset started, and everything went downhill because he was incapable of handling my chronic and incurable disability. Our relationship took a nosedive, and we did things that were not bringing us together, and I know that he was having sex with men, and I let thing get out of hand. His fear of my disability turned his guilt about having sex with other men hit close to home, because both of his parents passed away by the time he was 17, so my decline brought so many emotions flooding back to him, so he came back at me with so much rage, because he felt bad about his increased activity outside of the house. Guilt and anger, dampened by drinking and stupid self-medicating only tore us apart. I would try to make everything better, which made him angry at me, because he was angry at himself. It has been over a decade now, and he just can't talk to me nor about me to others because he flips his lid about it. I was worried about his rage, as it was beginning to grow into something far more physically abusive, and when he said that we had to move on I didn't realise that he was possibly talking about getting through this impasse. I packed three bags and returned to the UK, because I feared for my Life. If we would have stopped the self-medicating things could have remained better, but I wanted to come home and didn't want to see just how far his anger that came from the loss of his parents, and then watching my descent was just too hard to bear. I knew that I had to move on in a manner that probably felt as if I was abandoning him, but I was seriously not capable of handling the rage. I took at back-up of our computers and there were photos of him with others. He wrote a note to his best mate, telling him how much I made him sick to look at because "Scary Gary" (for my intelligence) aged 20 years in less than a year and I made him feel sick.Perhaps if we had that discussion about opening the relationship for his sexual needs could have made the ending far less painful for him, but after a lot of pain and tears I forgave him, and I forgave myself. That was truly heartbreaking, because we were that couple so many thought would last, but we didn't affirm that permission when selflessness needs to come into your relationship. Many of my friends listened to me and have maintained friendships with him. Others are far too angry at him to cross that bridge, because they saw the painful choice that I made out of love. So making it sound like gay men have thousands of sexual contacts is an exception and rarely occurs. Wilt Chamberlain, an All-Star Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers' Basketball Legend, was rumoured to have shagged over ten thousand women just during his career. Does every straight bloke shag thousands of women? Nope. Perhaps some guy you're friends with had a lot of luck with the ladies, but even he was unlikely to have fucked thousands of people in his Life, and the same can be said about women. I have friends that are every flavour, and I don't judge. I hope that if you're banging that many people I hope you're making money by working in porn, and if you're doing this you are upfront and honest to your partner, you're using protection, and you stick to the agreed boundaries, because if that partner has been with you for many years you should have the maturity to speak openly to each other, and with respect. Why? Because when you don't have that discussion, when you open up a box of photos, or you go through your back-up, and you make that discovery of those pictures or videos of that person that you have loved for years. doing things that you didn't discuss, do you think that it will not hurt you? That wound can cut so deep, and you can take it personally. Take it from my experience in Life. You can't own somebody else's actions in Life, You can only own your own. You can forget to let go of the blame game. It's their penis, vagina, anus, mouth, breasts, toes, hair, legs, back, hands, neck, ears, and fluids. If you don't have that uncomfortable talk, and you're blindsided by your discovery you can lose your ability to live Life to its fullest. Never forget it.

“If you break up with the honest foot fetishist, you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac”. Brilliant!

@HenningDiesel

5 жыл бұрын

The likeliness of either happening is absolutely miniscule though.

@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax

5 жыл бұрын

@@HenningDiesel Not the point. But I guess you knew that already.

@HenningDiesel

5 жыл бұрын

Yeah. Bad example still.

@HenningDiesel

5 жыл бұрын

@PalmerEldritch666 I wouldn't expect necrophiliacs to be particularly honest about their "kink" for legal reasons alone. Foot fetishism is perfectly legal,readily and anonymously available through the internet and still only eccentric. The mere number shows it. Of course,if you consider everything from anal to zoophilia a sexual kink,you might come to the conclusion that lots of people must have a secret sexual perversion they're too ashamed to be honest about. I,on the other hand,don't believe those invented figures I was taught in school anymore. Like the "10% of the population is homosexual" one. I strongly suspect that all those numbers are wildly inflated,and that the sexual behavior of the overwhelming majority of all people across the world is pretty standard and "boring" i.e. occasional,marital penis-in-vagina sex for the purpose of procreation. So, meeting someone who is honest about an eccentric sexual perversion or dishonest about an illegal,eccentric perversion is still very,very miniscule in my estimation.

I so LOVE what you said about making the world safer for women to be more sexually experimental. The risks and shame that women face are too real and it is long overdue for people - especially for MEN - to speak out against the violence and stigmas. Thank you for saying this!

@jenerin905

5 жыл бұрын

I felt the same as you when he said that. Women want to have sex, but more than sex, we want to feel safe (emotionally, physically, and healthfully). He hit the nail right on the head!

@LipSyncLover

5 жыл бұрын

Female promiscuity is part responsible for eroding the relationship between the sexes in the west. If you want to experiment...there are all kinds of ways to masturbate

@OneInAMillion31

5 жыл бұрын

@@LipSyncLover sorry our men feel entitled to our bodies here in the grand old u.s of a. But we are allowed to be as sexual as the men here our. 🖕

@LipSyncLover

5 жыл бұрын

@@OneInAMillion31 i mean do what you want. The statistics suggest it wont make you happy though but its your funeral not mine. Maybe youll get lucky

@OneInAMillion31

5 жыл бұрын

@@LipSyncLover my funeral? Okay well didnt realize me defending why our society sucks equals the death of me, but to each their own. I suppose

Took my wife and I 12 years to figure most of this out. Great advice over all.

This is real honest, as a 44 year old single (hetero) male I got a ton out of this video. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for talking about the concept of The One. I grew up in a very religious family. No sex before marriage, find The One, stay together forever. I had a 7 year relationship, that I should've ended after a year, because he was abusive, not sane and we just weren't good for each other. But I stayed. Because he was The One. When I finally ended it, I realized that something had to be wrong with this concept, but I couldn't quite let go of it. I have a new partner now, but am full of doubts. I am in a relationship that is difficult sometimes and for me the question is always: How difficult means he is not The One? What if The One is out there? He is definitive not perfect, he doesn't fulfill all of the million standards I have on The One. There's love and empathy, there's really good sex and so much attraction, so much respect for each other. Thank god, I didn't throw this away.

@garygansbrubaker

5 жыл бұрын

Congrats and my best wishes for you both.

I love you, Dan Savage. Thank you so much for giving so many of us the advice that we need. In these dark times, you continue to bring together a community that I look forward to joining every Tuesday. Again, thank you.

I can't believe I've never heard of you before...so many great points but the part about infidelity was SO spot-on! This is such an important message for people to hear in this day and age; "A gold medalist can fall down, get up and still be a gold medalist--not so with monogamy". If more people could view their relationships in such a pragmatic way, consult their hearts and find room to forgive SOME things, people could be a lot happier. Thank you so much for this talk!

I used to work for New Times Broward Palm Beach and his column was always my favorite part of the magazine. It was always honest and informative, and often provided great relationship and sex advice. I'm glad to see that his column has become syndicated and done so well over the years! He's absolutely right, straight sex would be so different if we could broker and discuss what we each want from the experience together first as foreplay, and if those who chose to commit to monogamous relationships would commit to each other rather than a religious ideal of purity that can ruin their marriage if either slips up. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

How cool. What an enlightened being. Thank you Dan Savage...

I love his definition of a bathhouse! I was a "volunteer" for years 😋

@harvey1965

5 жыл бұрын

Little Kiwi .... me too! Though I must note that i paid the bath house to be a volunteer!

I really loved the dethroning of the. Concept of finding THE 'O N E ' ! It's such a destructive concept, causing so much unnecessary pain and disillusionment.

"Deviance is the norm" -- awesome

I listen to his podcast every week. I've only seen his head shots. Wow! That bod!

Fantastically said- "one day we'll grow up and sex will have us" !!! Thank you! Brilliant talk

Dan this is probably one of the most sensible, practical, realistic (and fun) pieces about us humans, our relationships, and our sexuality that I've ever seen. Thanks.

This probably the best KZread video I have seen.

Mr Savage does his own thinking. Not only that, he can substantiate his thoughts and positions with clarity and substance, especially when he says something that jars our existence. I have also questioned "normal" social norms and how people accept these things never having thought about them or chosen them either.

He is absolutely right on toward the end about monogamy. RIGHT ON!

This guy is awesome. :) Thank you Dan.

can't say a bad thing about this man, surely he has saved lives. opened my mind.

Loved this talk, brilliant x

This is one of the best videos I have ever watched on KZread. Not joking! Life changing

Such great insight and ability to clearly explain the fundamentals.

I was raised by hippy parents. I had no concept of "The One". Now, after 7 years with my wife, I feel she is beyond concept of "The One". She is amazing and I'm extraordinarily lucky. I get why folks should settle for .64, but it is possible to have a partner that exceeds any preconceptions of what a partner could be.

Read savage love yesterday about woman with herpes and he gave such beautiful advice. Dan Savage has contributed to humanity in a good way.

Dan understood the difference between the natural human instinct and all those rules and behavior that society has developed during history. Not everyone accepts and tries to deal with it. This is brilliant and let me just say that he is simply the best!

I have never thought about it that way! Very intriguing. Love this guy Dan!

It may be wise for me, in this tough news, to accept my short-comings, deny my heart, and simply have friends. I appreciate the honesty.

Good Talk. I've read Savage Love in the Village Voice all the time.

Can't even saya word. Superb. Mind challenging.

Wow, great talk. Thank you❤️

Dan's the Man!

Omg I love this guy he is so awesome and totally straight up real good advice and talk

Thus was amazing talk !!

Very interesting and appreciate the points giving.

I'm a deviant. In addition to that ( and not because of that) I don't view loyalty as never having sex with another person. My son's father caused me to entirely redefine loyalty 20 years ago. He was the most disloyal human being I've ever known and did not touch another woman while we were together. I don't think. And it doesn't matter because he could never injure me more by simply having an affair. I wish that had been our problem. Now I view emotional fidelity as paramount. Do they protect your weak side. If they know something about you do they throw it in your face to win an argument. Do they talk shit about you to their friends and family. In short do they have your back or not? THAT is what loyalty is about to me. And honesty, don't pretend that someone is the only one if they aren't unless your mutual thing is to kind of pretend you don't know when you do and both ppl r fine with it. I think monogamy can work but you really can't be lazy about it, you have to put a lot of work into each other. Love and care,openness and respect, communication and ADVENTURE! I think we write each other off too soon as knowing all there is to know and then we get bored. But there's always so much more to every person. However it may not be the kind of more that you like, lol, I think that happens a lot. So compatibility is extremely important. But I love this idea of upgrading someone from .64 to 1. That's great advice to remember. Although I'd much rather upgrade then from a .8 or .9.

@tnwar330

5 жыл бұрын

So you cheated on your son's father?

@blissfulbaboon

5 жыл бұрын

Well said! Yes,"emotional fidelity" is where it's at, since one of the biggest tools of the covert narcissist is to exploit your weaknesses and we have an epidemic of them around.A mate that simply fucks around on you is so much more preferable then a covert narc is for sure.

@nathanmcclellan8078

5 жыл бұрын

You've just said what I've been telling people for years...denying your partner dignity and respect is ALSO "cheating". Thank you for such a thoughtful comment... What I've seen through the years is that infidelity touches the vast majority of relationships at some point in time and of my friends who've dealt with it [that I know of], the ones who spent more time justifying their feelings than attempting to understand their OWN personal piece in how it went awry all got divorced in the end. The ones who shared at least SOME of the culpability for a crappy situation made it through and even went on to thrive. That's not to say that you take responsibility for things you DIDN'T do, but the exact opposite. You take a good hard look at what YOU'VE done or not done that you could have done better. You take responsibility for your self and attempt to understand your partner if you can; which is about that emotional loyalty you speak of. Quite often, the one who "cheats" on their partner is really just the one caught with their hand in the proverbial cookie jar that the other one has been snatching goodies from all along --- only being more stealthy about it. In a good relationship, it's not as much about "who slept with who" as it is -- "are we there for each other?" / "can we rely on each other when the shit hits the fan?"

Just everything! Every conversation I've had and why I stayed single to this but because I came from a staunch purity culture... It ruined my sex life! My relationships! And now I recently decided to be ethically non-monogamous and that means I am forced to communicate with any partner because I also believe in monogamy. 30 yrs of my life! But I've seen it fail no matter how beautifully virtuous, religious/spiritual, academic philosopher, or a "good person" including ministers. So, I asked. I asked questions now for 13 years. This video wraps up everything I have learn and I too respect reasonable monogamy but if I'm true and honest with myself... I turned down a wonderful marriage proposal from a great man who cheated on me and I was mad. I have forgiven but the offer to try again wasn't appealing. Because for me personally monogamy as we practiced it, isn't healthy for me. I appreciate this video!

Thought this was going to suck, but it's actually pretty good. Thanks for the advice, Dan.

@ascendingneet2263

5 жыл бұрын

same

This guy is amazing!

You rock, Dan Savage!

thank you

I actually PLAY the violin so this speech was very complimentary to me! No kidding!

This is fantastic!

So good!

Every human being should watch this video, especially before marriage.

Dan is a really good speaker.

Omg this was so so brilliant

I had no idea anything about this. And it was worth watching all the way. Snd its refreshing. At first i didnt know it was going to be geared towards soecific types of relationships. Funnier than expected too at first assessment. Love it so cool. I learnef a lot asca straight women person. I knew a lil but learned more. Cool

Certainly lots to think about

Hear what he says about clogging waterways without giving them spillways? Hear that, Roman Church?

I spent three years with my soulmate before I did something incredibly stupid. During that time, I had no doubts whatsoever, and I was happy almost every day. Talks like these make me believe that the number of people who are incapable of experiencing this kind of love is growing, and that's incredibly sad.

Brilliant lecture

Dan is the best !!!

Love this guy!!!

Very good video. You are the 0.64!!!!!

Best advice I've heard in a while - not from Dan - but the guy said... Unconditionally love another as Christ loves you.

Omg... I'm uber conservative and I totally love you and your thoughtful, insightful and practical advice. So glad to have found you.

@MindvalleyTalks

5 жыл бұрын

Malisia, no problem at all. Thanks as well. We're delighted for the continued support and love.

@titusmccarthy

3 жыл бұрын

Savage is a conservative gay.

i used to read savage love in the village voice years ago!!! always very very funny....who knew you were/are so cute!!!!

Excelente, muy claro

I have only one criticism of his analogy concerning monogamy. The chef and the snowboarder didn’t choose to burn the omelet or fall down. There is still a decision being made to cheat. It doesn’t happen in 30 seconds or by accident. No one has fallen down some stairs and got up discovering they cheated. If you want to say that we are not naturally monogamous, I would agree to that. But the gift and curse of a conscious mind is the ability to elevate or depress our consciousness. There are other ways to cheat than just having sex with someone else. The goal shouldn’t be to rationalize weakness, it should be to find better ways to strengthen.

@relmcmillan

5 жыл бұрын

Ummm... As a self trained chef... Yes I did make a choice in burning my food. I choose to either walk away and ignore or set the temp too high or possibly use the wrong tools or incompatible ingredients or not hone my technique without help. Like wise the snowboarder choose not to practice that jump enough or chose to psyche themselves out by focusing on a negative thought or get cocky... Eitherway. Choice brought you into monogamy and also you choose to believe in a fairy tale. Thats his point because science matters, we need to also realistically have kindness when we choose wrong because its inevitable. That is all a mistake is and none of us can be perfect. How we react is the aftermath. In his analogy the reaction to a burnt mistake is still a title of Chef but what youtube plenty of people react violent or angrily (Ramsey) to silly or unfortunate mistakes in the kitchen. The reaction often cause more and unnecessary harm to all parties. How you choose to react is what proceeds not the social expectation but what you do with choices made. Some coaches expect their losing team to be pissed or cut them from the team. Other truely coach. They ask why and what can we do different and is this the right fit for the team or for the individuals. Lastly, your critique like many many maaaaany fail to remember relationships by definition include both/all parties decision making unless you are enslaved. There are choices made by both partners. Two people share a road driving same laws and expectations. Yet, one gets rear ended. Insurance may often blame the driver from behind. Does not excuse the other driver of responsibilities or possibly "weakness" as you say in poor driving habits. But the other driver could've slammed on their brakes or under an influence swerving from their dentist visit or playing road games with the driver trying to do their best. Variation of possibilities is the same romatically. Red flags justified or ignored... Selfish spousal behavior changes... Need for therapy brushed under the rug... Untreated depression thus withdrawing leaving both partners lonely (my experience) thus susceptible to poor decisions, drinking beyond your limit, or my fave pure lack of emotional communication... All can being setting you or your partner up to fail. They made that choice individually but If you're a partnership you should support your partner so they are not in need of seeking fulfillment even in places they regret.

@gforcelation

5 жыл бұрын

@@relmcmillan Your insightful observations point out the profound complexities of dynamic, human relationships. You are a wise Chef!

@yolandbator180

5 жыл бұрын

@@relmcmillan that was a well written recipe of an answer. Using analogies can be like using bookbinding to sing a duet.

@Zen56103

5 жыл бұрын

Yup. Dan's analogy was stupid. He could've said, "You could be the world's best commercial airline pilot, but you crash one plane and kill a bunch of people, and suddenly you're not considered the world's best airline pilot". Of course, that analogy wouldn't support his point, so he won't make that analogy.

@kgdblade

5 жыл бұрын

You actually have no way of deciding your desires and biological drives, you can only choose and rationalize to suppress your desires. Falling off the wagon is a failure of your ability to suppress your natural inklings. That is more like a mistake then a choice.

It makes me uncomfortable to think about my partner having sex with others, especially if I’m not around. Maybe it’s social conditioning, but it gives me a horrible sinking feeling to imagine someone I love opening themselves up to someone else in such an intimate way. I just don’t know if I’d be mentally and emotionally strong enough to be okay with it honestly. So maybe I just have some more growing up to do. I’m single and gay af anyways. Lmaooo. But I do agree with being open, honest, and communicative about the almost inevitable possibility that it will happen and how you’ll handle it in a way that will preserve your relationship if you really want to be a life partner with someone.

@michaellodwich9062

5 жыл бұрын

Don't feel bad. Most people can't share their partners. Me included. And it is alright. It's not healthy anyway causing lots of damage to your heart and soul. Sex is super intimate and fullfills special functions. It's worth doing some research on it. After some extensive reading, I'm sure you will come to the same understanding that casual sex is bad and that opening a realtionship is a unfortunate decision. Most people can't handle it anyway and the question is: Do you want to reduce yourself to a dick? Then you make yourself replaceable.

@AlicitySherie

5 жыл бұрын

There is nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, you just need a partner with similar values who wants exclusivity.

@erasmusb.draggin2022

5 жыл бұрын

Michael Lodwich It’s best to understand something thoroughly before writing about it. When people love each other without demanding to have a stranglehold on the other’s body, they are less likely by far to take the other for granted as a lover and a sovereign person. Your assertion that opening up a relationship is akin to reducing oneself to a dick is... well... I wanted to write “bizarre,” but I just don’t understand it at all, actually. After some sanctioned casual sex on the side, one mostly tires & discovers a fwb or two are really nice to have, for health and communication and affection reasons. Sex within a monogamous long term relationship fulfills a variety of functions. Same for sex outside of that bond. We have enough emotion and attention and lust and degrees of fondness & tenderness for more than one person.

@rabbi619

3 жыл бұрын

You should never ask weather your person is virgin or not people may sin and ask for forgiveness but no one should expose their sins to others that is wrong my religion does not allow this to expose my sin to others not even my spouse should know this if she know this she may feel bad alot of things can happen which is why we should never expose ourselves to others.

I remember the foot fetish thing...she lost out big time, OMG getting a foot "treatment" was amazing I told my boyfriend at the time about this column I read....He didn't have a foot fetish but, he won me over with his exploration of the idea

Brilliant.

Huge different perspective. Very though provoking

There's so much deprogramming that has to be done. This was enlightening.

@OneInAMillion31

5 жыл бұрын

This is programming at its finest. Because it pushes a narrative. Now if the message was "make your own choices, decide for yourself what works for you as an individual. That would be fine and unbiased but you notice how his video has decided 2 sides? It wasn't about being open it was about changing your mind to suit the narrative

@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax

5 жыл бұрын

@@OneInAMillion31 You clearly didn't get it then. If that is so hard to understand then you and those like you, would never "get it" in the first place. He's talking to the ones that DO.

@Jamieishere1

4 жыл бұрын

@@OneInAMillion31 The video favours one side of the monogamy vs open relationship debate. To me this is obviously because monogamy is so ubiquitously accepted as the only acceptable form a "committed" relationship can take... so no wonder anybody who disagrees with that is going to emphasise (and eloquently argue in favour of) the contrary. This isn't programming, as digitatissue said, it's enlightenment.

This is the most educational, entertaining, HONEST and wise sex talk I have EVER heard. (and I'm pretty old, now!) Thank you. You are helping others.... obviously. Shine on, Dan. :) awesome

Fantastic.

Dan's got some guns.

@InnerRise

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, three. 👀❤

@jrg305

5 жыл бұрын

Is Dan natural? Looks like some perfect physique at his age...or he has a great trainer or dietitian

@57goku

5 жыл бұрын

@@@jrg305 i wonder the same. He was pretty thin in most of the videos and pictures i saw of him up until a few years ago. I wouldn't be surprised if it was natural, but i still wonder.

@jrg305

5 жыл бұрын

@TheBlackGuy fromInterstellar huuusssband

@garygansbrubaker

5 жыл бұрын

@@jrg305 His husband is smoking hot! They're both handsome, but find a photo of his husband. Even more is that they are both incredibly sweet men! I remember when I first saw them years ago he was more slender, but Dan and I are the same age, and they are both trying to remain healthy and fit.

I love this quote!! "Make the world safer for women"

He’s fabulous 😂

I love to listen to you so much

I agree with everything but the monogamy. I don't believe everyone can be or wants to be monogamous but there a few of us who don't find monogamy hard. For myself monogamy isn't hard as long as am with someone whom I am strongly attached to and attracted to.

@michaellodwich9062

5 жыл бұрын

I don't find monogamy hard either.

@Serai3

5 жыл бұрын

And what if that person doesn't find monogamy as "easy" as you find it?

@michaellodwich9062

5 жыл бұрын

@@Serai3 If they don't, they have to communicate this to the partner and together find their way of dealing with it. If the partner can't deal with monogamy and no viable way can be found, the partner believing in monogamy and living it, has to let the other partner go. Otherwise he/she will suffer only heartache, because that person is clearly not the right partner then. The right partner would always make the right choice: Your partner above every other possible partner. To love always requires the greatest courage. And this makes real love also the highest form of freedom. Putting it all on one card. The emotional stakes chosen out of free volition ideally cause people to invest themselves completely into the relationship. Then the relationship works best and natual adventures come into being. Like life, love is an adventure, too. Understanding this makes clear why sleeping around with others doesn't do much for the relationship. It is a withdrawal of investment and a break with what love entails. It shows that people seek their adventures outside instead of making them happen between the two partners who are together. If a person says they can't be monogamous, I as a monogamous person, would advise them to let their partner go. This person doesn't love you.

@Vextalf

5 жыл бұрын

@@michaellodwich9062 My issue with your line of reasoning is that you are assigning emotional meaning to physical pleasure. I believe, and always have, that sex is something people do to have fun. If anything, the most physical intimacy can confirm is a high(er) level of trust. Love is not a requirement for sexual engagement, and just because a friend, loved one, or spouse decides to have that fun with someone else sometimes doesn't (necessarily) mean they love you any less. Communication about how you define love (apparently by exclusive sexual intimacy) is essential in avoiding heartache on that front, for everyone involved.

@michaellodwich9062

5 жыл бұрын

​@@Vextalf, yes, you are absolutely right. I do assign emotional meaning to physical pleasure because I personally have never slept and would never even consider sleeping with anyone I don't have feelings for. So, yes, love, even if it is just at its beginning, is definitely a requirement for sexual engagement. For me it has never been an option and it keeps puzzling me how people supposedly manage to disconnect these two. Sleeping with someone is fun, absolutely. We agree here. But it comes with an immeasurable amount of responsibility and that's what way too many people forget. If you sleep with a person, you are equally responsible for the person you sleep with as you are responsible for yourself. Too often have I seen people thinking sex is just "fun" and when things went wrong, suddenly they weren't too blame for anything. They were too drunk, they didn't mean it, the girl was at fault for not using protection, they had no idea the other could fall in love, they must have gotten the STI from someone else who hasn't told them. Have met plenty of people like this. And what these excuses have all in common is, that all of them are lame excuses and of course they happen too be super convenient, too. There is a reason why sociologists and psychologist grow increasingly disconcerted about huge amounts of young aged people (20+) unable to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. It is a real problem. True, who am I, you could ask. Fair enough of a question. I admit that I'm not an expert on these things but I do read a lot and over the past two years I have read hundreds if not thousands of different articles and posts in psychological magazines, self-help guides and forums. From all this extensive reading and, in addition, talking to friends in successful long-lasting relationships, the result comes out the same: if you want a real and happy long-time relationship (that's what I consider to be the goal) and not just a hookup, emotional meaning and physical pleasure are inseparable and intertwined. That means that any physical or emotional activity outside the partnership will most likely have an effect on the two partners. And I go as far to say that couples that seek sex outside their relationship, are not happy and not even in love. From the little data on open relationships that is out there, first findings indicate that merely 10% of open relationships last for more than 2 years. And this has a reason because these are very challenging relationships that require absolute commitment, absolute honesty, a very strict and elaborate set of rules and an taking over of extremely high levels of responsibility ... and a very high number of people are, and that's my personal experience, not even capable to take responsibility for their own actions and lives. How the heck do they want to engage in open relationships then. I rather say they should focus on one partner. They have a better fighting chance. Also, all of my friends who tried open relationships, just got hurt because these things are extremely difficult to navigate and most people just don't have the communication skills required for this. Certainly, I do understand that you see it differently. And this is okay. If two partners decide to open their relationship, that is up to them entirely. However, from where I am standing, this doesn't qualify as love to me. It is certainly - and I concur with you - a confirmation of high trust, but I don't regard it as love. I am not judging people who want to try it or see open forms as differently. Everyone is entitled to new experiences and their own opinion. That helps us to grow. And that's good. But seeing all the havoc that those relationships wreak all around me, I simply cannot take these seriously. I for myself qualify them as a form of escapism. Nevertheless, I wanted to thank you for your post. It is actually really well written and very sensitive in its style. I believe that you and I agree on many of the same values, as good communication and trust. This makes you really sympathetic, even if we seem to have a completely different view on physical intimacy I as a guy do fantasize about other guys occasionally, but I would never even dream to have anyone other in my bed than my husband but not because I define love as "exclusive sexual intimacy". It is because I define love as an adventure that two people undertake together. They help each other grow, they support each other and they sacrifice some things along the way to get the better deal because none can have everything in life. It's also a wisdom that has been passed on for generations. We all have to make choices. Only those who cannot decide, keep seeking. Please allow me to point out what I believe about love following Pericles's thinking: Love is absolute happiness because it combines the courage of deciding for one person and thus making visible the absolute freedom we have when we chose to love. It is absolute freedom becuase we have chosen on our own accord and, if love is chosen wisely, it ends the search for someone new and gives complete peace of mind. I take from it that if a person can't find this peace of mind, they haven't found true love.

I can respect what he said it makes a lot of sense to me speak truth within reason

Perfect!

Everyone should see this.

27:10 I wish everyone, and especially straight men, would listen to this part. He is dead on!!

God,,,, this guy is divine!!!! “Round your 6.5 guy up to THE 1 !!!!” So spot on!!!!

I love you Dan

This guy's forearms seem smaller than they should be given the size of his biceps and triceps. just mentioning because I said it to myself several times during the video. also, was a great talk! helped me out. Cheers man! I appreciate the insight!

Since an early age I always knew monogamy didn't sound right in my ears. It's just something that does not make sense in my head FOR ME. This was a brilliant speech and there is a lot of information here that even monogamous people need to listen. There isn't a formula on happiness or healthy relationships

Really enjoyed the talk, I mean I was stoned....so obviously I don't remember all of it...but I do feel like he offered a really fresh perspective. When I read peoples comments here, its a good representation of the typical reactions. Some people say this is common sense, some people say it's the worst thing, and then there are the people on the fence, that would maybe forgive a fling but a 1-year affair is a no-no. I think people should include in their sexual orientation definition, their monogamy status. Not what you and your partner have going on atm, but your own personal level of monogamy that's good for you. E.G. Gay and poly, straight and casual only, bi and completely monogamous. Being able to chuck that into normal vocab would be very liberating so people can provide that info to potential partners and even with themselves straight up. If I were to discuss this for example. I would say I'm straight and enjoy the security of full monogamy. Its what makes me feel most loved and most comfortable when I know that my partner is not sleeping with other people and I don't have to feel insecure about him leaving me and my children with someone else. That's what allows me to feel loved fully. Likewise if a bloke really loved the idea of having a wife and family but knew he wasn't going to be able to tie himself down to just one woman, he could openly marry a woman that felt the same or was happy to allow him that indulgence., rather than it creep up on them years into their marriage and he has to be the bad guy and she has to be hurt. If a man approached a woman in a bar and she replied with sorry I'm gay....that would be the end of that, no ones offended, no one says....'I'll try to change that'. They know straight up there's no point in pursuing a relationship because he doesn't have a vagina. What if that same situation happened, they were both straight but the woman was more poly and the man more monogamous yet they don't define that to themselves or each other....this is a scenario that could send your lives and possibly any children you have lives into a tailspin later, when you get to a point where you can't keep pretending. HOw quickly that situation could have been avoided by saying....Hey I'm straight and super monogamous..hey I'm straight but I can love lots of people at once.... that's cool good for you and then both can go on their separate ways.

@orielwiggins2225

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, more self awareness, more communication!

@bananewane1402

5 жыл бұрын

When I talk to people its become normal for me to ask them what their opinion on polyamory is so we can get that out the way.

Many good things said. But the part of monogamy was to angled and simplified for me to buy into, as a monogamous person, and I really tried.

GOLD

Where can I find the foot fetish guy?

@bbreviewsmoviesattemptscom6382

6 жыл бұрын

mapple34 there's a page on Facebook, probably more than one

@ponderdarlingmybustedheart

5 жыл бұрын

I was thinking that too. I would so rock the foot fetish. I have talented feet. 😜

@LustStarrr

5 жыл бұрын

Fetlife, perhaps?

@ponderdarlingmybustedheart

5 жыл бұрын

@Evil Robin yes. They are pretty. Although currently I need a pedicure...

I agree with everything here but the infidelity part. Everything can be shared, including voicing the desire for sex with someone else. Infidelity is an avoidable breach of trust. That's something that can be avoided by telling your partner before you cheat, that you are about to cheat. Hard to do, hard to hear, but better than breaching trust. What happens after that conversation will empower both, and decisions to stay together or allow an affair can be negotiated. Infidelity does not have to be a predictable component of a long-term relationship - desire for others probably is.

@lisar3944

5 жыл бұрын

I agree. When someone cheats on me I describe it as a form of theft - that person is actually and truly stealing my choice about whether I want to continue with them or not. THAT is what's wrong with cheating. The problem is not the sex, it's the brazen disregard and disrespect for my right to choose what *I* want in the situation. It's just plain greedy to try to keep all the choices for yourself, and it's a horrible thing to do to someone you "care" about. As painful as it is, I'd much rather hear it straight and have a discussion as it offers some opportunity to make my own choices in light of new information.

@DanielClementYoga

5 жыл бұрын

Well said!

@Serai3

5 жыл бұрын

It is only a breach of trust if you make it one. This is not a law of nature. It is something defined by people, and thus can be defined any way they want.

@lisamerrill24

5 жыл бұрын

Yeah how'd that work out for you Daniel telling your wife or GF that you want to go screw someone else?? Huh? You do know that MOST women would be out the door! And most men even if they want to cheat for the variety which men crave...many do still love their partners and do not want to leave the relationship. But if you say this to your partner...good luck. They are gonna be out the door!

@Serai3

5 жыл бұрын

It's always easy to make assumptions for others, isn't it? But the assumptions you make say more about you than they do about the people you're talking about. I can tell you this - if my ex had been honest about wanting to have an affair, the marriage wouldn't have failed. I'd have been upset, but we would have dealt with it. I was far more invested in having a life partner than in having someone whose sexuality was enslaved to me.

Good morning. Sure commitement is the bottom ( well... ) line in a relationship but no less than trust. And I think the issue about monogamy is more about breaking the trust between two peolpe when one cheats the other just because monogamy is a social strong standard value ( yet ). Besides, some people have traits that makes them natural more easily monogamous more than others ( I can tell from myself, for example ). We´re not all polygamous. Congratulations for the presentation. My regards.

Did the Q&A session ever happen? Did it get recorded? I'd love to see that, too, if it did...

There's Dan, and then there's the savage in the comments. He was invited to teach you what he's learned over 26 years of experience having people ask him for advice. We can either learn from him or just nod politely. There are some suggestions that are complete paradigm shifts, but it gives perspective and trigger thought.

@Zen56103

5 жыл бұрын

> He was invited to teach you what he's learned over 26 years of experience having people ask him for advice. There are lots of people who have decades of experience. The problem is that everyone is bringing a bias, and why should we accept Dan's bias above anyone else's? > We can either learn from him or just nod politely. Why can't we disagree? It seems like an awful injustice against free debate to tell people that they only have two choices: agree or stay silent.

@CobraFlows

5 жыл бұрын

@@Zen56103 lol. Criticism = triggered? Wtf it's dialogue homie...

Dan, You've explained sex best of all and I wish everyone would listen to your video. Thank you.

"The one is a myth."

smart guy

don´t the last 4 comments kind of prove his point of "I´m not telling monogamous people they are doing wrong, but monogamous people keep telling me I´m doing wrong?" 100 steps are easily seen as such once they are made. the murder thing is just...uhm...after a murder, someone is dead. different thing altogether. a relationship is not a person you "kill", that´s one of the cool things about it. and hey, straight people should be able to take a bit of straight-bashing. for good humor. so everyone can get along. no? I really enjoyed this, obviously, because it brings home the point that it is much more fun to be good at something when you are not risking your life. it´s the same with kids: if they feel secure, they feel free to explore, i.e. grow (not run away). i wouldn´t want my partner to be scared of losing me over 100 little steps. because if my parter is scared of that, they won´t make a single step. and then i will get bored by them, because they never move from my side and check in for every development they consider making. and didn´t i fall in love with their souvereignity, that promised me refuge if i ever lost mine?

@morph628

5 жыл бұрын

I agree. I think if many of the commenters here were kinder and more honest they would simply say: "I have religious and moral views that differ from the speaker's points." But, most Americans are Puritans at heart so they must rage, fume, and moralize for everyone around them

@nathanmcclellan8078

5 жыл бұрын

@@morph628 Bingo!

Hmm. To me "The One" is the person you feel destined to be with. It doesn't mean they will meet all your checkboxes of what you want. You still have to work at any relationship. But there is a big difference between something feeling like destiny and it not feeling that way. So if you are an atheist, fine, but if you have any spiritual beliefs about destiny, then I would say stick with your gut if you feel there is someone else out there for you. That doesn't mean they will be "perfect", just the person who you chose to be with & learn & grow with in this lifetime.

I am borderline misanthrope. So, one person for me is just fine. Most people turn me off right off the bat. I don't think it's the cheating once part that makes for divorce. It's likely that the partner who cheated shows no remorse, and expects trust to be given rather than earned. If there is no trust, no relationship can work. The devil is in the details so to speak.

@blissfulbaboon

5 жыл бұрын

You are right to avoid humans.

@discosphinx

5 жыл бұрын

Yes too many mouth breathers, open mouth eaters and those who snore...yeck.