People who won’t apologize for mistreating you. This shows that their ego is more important to them than you are. Leave them, they’re toxic.

@carolinacastelan3094

3 жыл бұрын

or people that make YOU apologize to THEM for their bad behavior their victim narrative it's in an other level

@janetpattison8474

3 жыл бұрын

@@carolinacastelan3094 People who mistreat others, feel they have the right to do that. They’re not apologetic their righteous.

@carolinacastelan3094

3 жыл бұрын

@@janetpattison8474 they're truly the worst : (

@TipTheScales27

3 жыл бұрын

It sounds like the arrogance aspect of this faux disorder would apply to this

@carolnahigian9518

3 жыл бұрын

Bravo. Don’t wait til you are 60 year old lady!! ( but it’s okay) just now I begin AGAIN- no more ABUSED by brother.

I would put excessive jealousy / envy in that list too. This is highly destructive.

@dc3174

2 жыл бұрын

Isn’t that covered by rigidity

@24Wynn

Жыл бұрын

Good one. Excessive jealousy is dangerous. People have murdered people over being excessively jealous. That's why I stayed away from people, especially when I was dating, that were excessively jealous. I was in an abusive relationship with somebody who was always hitting me for perceived affairs when they were the ones doing the cheating. Most of the time, I was studying scriptures for church so the whole situation would have been laughable if it weren't for the spiritual, mental, emotional, psychological and physical abuse. What a mess!

@cc1k435

Жыл бұрын

@@dc3174 More specifically, and more easily recognized

@scottleft3672

Жыл бұрын

@@dc3174 and narccisism.

@lyricarol

Жыл бұрын

Jealously leads to vindictive behaviors, sometimes unchecked vindictive behaviors. Jealous people are dangerous. They can and will ruin careers, bully, enlist others to bully, lie about you in ways that make other people revile you, and in some cases, they can resort to physical violence or provoking physical violence against you. Turn your back and walk away. It may make you feel like shit, because they will surely let you know how hurtful YOU are, but stick to your guns. You'll be amazed at how freeing it is.

"Entitlement to have others feel the way they think others should". That is the monster in the room!

@deannkeith4271

4 жыл бұрын

Agreed.

@louisaisthankful6455

3 жыл бұрын

That's the monsters on our streets right now!

@maekong2010

3 жыл бұрын

I would distill it even further. "Entitlement" is the monster in the room.

@jennifers2775

3 жыл бұрын

Great one!

@susanwenner8738

3 жыл бұрын

My ex husband! Boy did his disruptive personality show it’s ugly head after a few drinks.

Holding a grudge is different than setting boundaries and not forgetting abusive behavior.

@lisbethbird8268

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks, good to know! I can stop wondering about exactly this question.

@michellerenee5028

4 жыл бұрын

I agree

@kynathomas4809

3 жыл бұрын

I second that!

@maekong2010

3 жыл бұрын

Yep, in order for a grudge to be quantified, it will require some form of either overt (visibly aggressive), or covert (cowardly and insidious), expression. Grudges, hatred, and envy have a common denominator. They are all fertile ground for lethal toxicity.

@demitriosvekkf.z.7768

3 жыл бұрын

Yep, I'm glad someone said it lol

I don't care who it is.... if what a person says and what they do are two different things.... steer clear they are nothing but trouble.

@fatuusdottore

4 жыл бұрын

Tonithenightowl Yep. 100% agree with this.

@qiuwbr091

4 жыл бұрын

Tonithenightowl - Unfortunately ( I think if it’s a professional) it can really be expensive to find out. :(

@patrickhanson712

4 жыл бұрын

@Jon B Ikr, and when I see it I do give them an indication, and if they take that as criticism or constructive criticism not my problem.... I did my part, and I get to sleep at night.

@bluewillow1055

4 жыл бұрын

True. Learned it the hard way.

@patrickhanson712

4 жыл бұрын

Yes true, I always call it out and then distance myself. What they do with it is their choice. Regardless of my B/W borderline thinking and my irrational and hypocritical judgements, holds true.... of say this, do that... or worse in "good ideals" I think this, but project cruel. I condemn myself a bit there but I am improving and no one should stay around, esp if higher end life issues, what used to be called "A walking controdiction"

Silent treatment was left out... So toxic.

@kathrinjohnson2582

4 жыл бұрын

I welcome silents from toxic ppl. It's not like they have anything to say that I want to hear 🤷‍♀️

@ayuxx10

4 жыл бұрын

@@reneekatz Yep. The silent treatment/stonewalling is a specific manipulation tactic. "I'm going to refuse to speak to you until you come around to my way of thinking."

@ionichi

4 жыл бұрын

I call that one "Ex-girlfriend"

@figgettit

4 жыл бұрын

silence and 'the silent treatment' - i.e. rhetorical silence, need to be distinguished. Not all forms of silent responses are equal. the context informs how they ought to be interpreted.

@OhMyPearls

4 жыл бұрын

I loved the silent treatment. So arrogant they think it bothers you to be deprived of them. Ha! Being ignored by the monster was blissful.

Sometimes it is so reassuring to hear it from a professional that yes, that person with those traits in your life is indeed toxic. So many toxic people try to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem, so to hear it put so clearly by someone who knows the subject is really very helpful, thank you.

Toxic Personality (1) Holding a grudge - unforgiving, unhealed (2) Infidelity - (3) Sense of entitlement - having without working, giving, loving, caring (4) Arrogant -frustrating progress (5) Disregard for safety - (6) Coldness - not sensitive to another’s feelings (7) Breaking rules - OCPD - low conscientious - (7.2) Sticking to the rules -inflexible (8) Manipulative - deceitful - stop growth (9) Justified - Never guilty - no empathy -lack of effective and cognitive logics (10) Aggressive - no progress - bad outcome - expression of anger - manipulative with hurtful behaviour -destructive

@StHat20

Жыл бұрын

Thanksn for doing this list.

I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive man for 22 years. I stayed for a number of reasons, one of which was that every week I was marched into church and told I had to forgive him for his latest physical or verbal outburst. And I did for many years. Without a grudge. Without any anger or aggression in return. So I didn't leave. I kept trying to fix it. Which was a huge mistake that my children paid dearly for. :( I think that if you are in a toxic relationship with someone, you may find yourself exhibiting anger, coldness, feeling unforgiving, and that's OK. You need these things for strength to leave. I think an absolute key difference is I wouldn't have had these feeling towards anyone else but the person who was being abusive towards me.

@egrace3738

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, the "church" has enabled abuse. No doubt.

@RHmanyfaces

Жыл бұрын

Same thing happened to me, I was told from a very religious friend to pray and be a good wife, I was already doing everything to try to show I loved him. I came home after work never knowing how he would act that day. Physical and mental abuse was a daily issue. I always thought I could help him when he didnt care to change. I was very unintelligent to what it was doing to my children and myself.Learned everyone has to help themselve,, my kindness and trying to help him was useless.

@prydegirl

Жыл бұрын

Build your mansion in the sky. Right. How about peace tranquility and honesty on earth.

@SirenaSpades

Жыл бұрын

I hope you're happy you stayed. Now those children will suffer for life. Thanks a lot.

They love to talk about unconditional love, meaning you should love them unconditionally regardless of how they behave...all the while they attach many, many conditions to their "love" for others, if they are even capable of truly loving others.

@QoraxAudio

3 жыл бұрын

Jup toxic people are often hypocrites and come up with some kind of fallacy to deny that.

@darrellm9915

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like typical BPD/NPD behavior really.

@maekong2010

3 жыл бұрын

It goes something like this, "You can have unconditional love, as long as you are willing to go along with _my_ conditions." Pretty much sums up the human dilemma in its entirety. Ain't life grand (as opposed to "Grande," doctor 😆)!

@reymohammed7040

3 жыл бұрын

I actually had two different people say to me: " You must love me unconditionally, and that includes not making the condition that I not make conditions."

@HexagonNightmare

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my ex.

"Not feeling sorry is a block to being forgiven." YESSSSS!

@tammyfitzgerald5336

Жыл бұрын

Hell yea 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙌🙌💯💯

List starts at 5:35 Symptoms of toxicity. (Having any 4 of these would be toxic). 10) Holds a grudge. 9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour (infidelity). 8) Sense of entitlement (includes entitled to their feelings). 7) Being arrogant, condescending, and pretentious. 6) Reckless disregard for the safety of others. 5) Inappropriate or restricted affect. 4) Extreme position on consciousness (breaking all the rules, or rigidly adhering to all the rules). 3) Manipulative and Deceitful. 2) Lack of empathy or remorse. 1) Aggression and Anger. (#1 because most dangerous.)

@MultiCappie

3 жыл бұрын

You rule! Love from Edmonton!

@landlubbr

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks! I checked 2/10, number 7 (have been arrogant in the past) and 5 (have a lot of trouble expressing emotions in an outwardly tender manner) its great to be able to visualize these qualities in a concise list like this to figure out what you need to work on.

@cccopycat583

3 жыл бұрын

wow..my ex had all.of these..yikes..thank god I got out when.i did

@1qstudios

2 жыл бұрын

Holding a grudge is the only thing on this list that I do. Idk where its coming from tho. And most of the grudges is with people I don't see that often anyway so good for both parties I guess.

@jomcenroe7538

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you . This helps so much

I initially watched this video about 2 years ago. After analyzing the symptoms of a toxic personality, I concluded this was the problem I had with interacting with others. I always knew I had a personality disorder but had problems identifying which one fit me. I had symptoms from several personality disorders but this toxic personality answers the question to my difficulty with others. Since I reviewed my behavior and have taken the advice of Dr. Grande, I became aware of the changes needed to become a better person. I have tremendously improved my relationships with others. My quality of life is so much better with this information. Thank you, Dr. Grande.

@shannonluck5066

6 ай бұрын

Good for you! Improving yourself! ❤

@robertmadison1205

6 ай бұрын

Feel free to elaborate or give examples. Your open honesty is appreciated.

@shannonluck5066

6 ай бұрын

Good for you! Taking Responsibility and what good info from Doc Grande! 🤗 Be Well...

A curious mind like yours is a wonderful trait. Many of the comments rang true as well. Please don’t burn out!

@dougyohooglefrogtownrovers9017

3 жыл бұрын

Wtf are you talking about?

@TiberiusStorm

3 жыл бұрын

@@dougyohooglefrogtownrovers9017 Therapists often burn out from something called Compassion Fatigue. Google it!

@kerryberger985

3 жыл бұрын

He’s a clinician. I doubt he will burn out.

@fatimaghailan6728

3 жыл бұрын

@@kerryberger985 clinicians burn out too.

@kiralevenson1706

2 жыл бұрын

I have the same curious mind! I cannot get enough of these videos. I think I have a crazy magnet. I really hope that he keeps these coming for a very long time, too!

List Starts at 5:39 Number one, as Dr. Grande states, there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to be with that type. Absolutely destructive trait.

@kathryncarter6143

4 жыл бұрын

AMEN!!!!!!!

@cw4608

4 жыл бұрын

Tesla was a genius and a looker

Excellent video! - Just making people miserable, spoiling happiness and good mood for others is toxic, especially damaging for children. Imagine being around people who make you feel uneasy. You literally feel them sucking you out emotionally. It’s like a physical assault.

@nikkiburton2697

2 жыл бұрын

Yes I call it emotional cannibalism

Hi Dr. Grande, I believe I have a personality disorder. I have a history of child abuse and neglect. I grew up around unhealthy people and made friends with unhealthy people all the while thinking I was the only healthy one in the mix while being equally unhealthily. That being said, your videos are always very informative, but could you make some videos that explain how us toxic people can reduce our toxicity? I've spent the last year reading tons of books,going to counseling , and listening to audiobooks about why I do the behaviors I do but there's a severe lack on youtube on explanations as to how to effectly have healthy interpersonal relationships. I always approach relationships from a fearful and defensive place at the start but once I feel a little more comfortable i begin oversharing my negative feelings and past hurts to new people. I never knew that was a bad thing and was always confused as to why people would eventually pull away. I want to be better but it's hard to know what to do when you've never seen that modeled. Thank you for reading.

@attheranch873

3 жыл бұрын

Depending on what behavior you’re talking about, Richard Grannon you tube might be able to help a bit. Check out the videos on CPTSD.

@daisychainmilk

3 жыл бұрын

I feel this way as well. I grew up in a very abusive home and experienced assault regularly in my teen years. I feel like I have a lot of toxic traits but I don't know how to not act like this. I feel like I should just not be close to anyone because I feel like I may hurt them. I overshare quite alot as well to my partner. I have a ptsd diagnosis but I believe I might have a personality disorder as well. I wish you well on your journey. Hope you are safe.

@tulinbeyduz920

3 жыл бұрын

That’s wonderful you have insight to recognize your behavior . Just keep working in healthy attachment styles , therapy and addressing your trauma . Talking and Emdr therapy has helped me :-)

@HePlaysThePiano

3 жыл бұрын

@Juliette M Richard Grannon is not a professor of psychology, however, he is very well worth listening to, prob more than a lot of psychologists. As for Sam Vankin, he has made a career out of speaking on narcissism as though he is an authority, he is not. For starters narciisists have very little ability to self reflect .... apart from that 'self confessed one' (apparently). Listen to him sure, but do not accept everything he (or anyone else claims ) unequivocally as being bona fide!

@LordBaltimore009

3 жыл бұрын

There are three things that can help you a lot. Smooth Jazz, Yoga, and dark chocolate. You can do Yoga, take a shower, then listen to smooth jazz while drinking a hot dark chocolate. This will begin to stabilize you emotionally. All emotional and psychological difficulties are rooted in self-esteem problems. A healthy self-esteem is the key, according to Napoleon Hill (read his books).

I’m sick & tired of dealing with anger maniacs, Who believe they have a right to blast you with their anger over trivial incidents. I say “bye-bye”.

The most toxic action that a person can take (to me) is setting people up to be humiliated, blackmailed, stalked, or manipulated (by various questioning techniques) into creating false illusions. Also, holding grudges, being rigid and on to anger (revenge seeking).

I think being screamed at is a real dealbreaker and also in front of people down the street too !!

@satsumamoon

4 жыл бұрын

That comes under anger and aggression

@virginiafonacier8795

4 жыл бұрын

Like my narc husband and his sister,well described here.

@kynathomas4809

3 жыл бұрын

Had this done to me by a co-worker I know longer speak to her.

@barbaramarshall5271

3 жыл бұрын

Oh yes, this with my mum and now no longer

@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry

3 жыл бұрын

Depends on who's screaming; the narcissistic abuser or the victim?

Hey Doc, you have NO IDEA how your videos help. Thank you.

My ex husband was a rageaholic. One of his excuses is that he was angry in the moment and let it go; I should too. Didn't seem to care that it doesn't work that way. No remorse.

@cynzix

3 жыл бұрын

And you have the flipside: I am a heavy swearer when I'm frustrated, but I close his room's door when I feel that way, so I don't disturb him. He says that I'm abusive with him for making him endure that. The problem is that he is having and procrastination all day, while I work my ass off 8 hors a day in a very stressful job, so I think that he's being insensitive. A couple times he approached me and gave me a hug, and then I calmed immediately, so why did he prefers to do nothing and then hold a grudge against me for being toxic?

@barbarastrayhorn4667

3 жыл бұрын

Relatives who spew garbage at you when they're angry and then after they calm down say that it didn't count because they were upset. I guess it only counts if they can destroy your self esteem when they are feeling calm and rational. Made no sense to me.

@cynzix

3 жыл бұрын

@@barbarastrayhorn4667 I don't say anything to him, I swear at my coworkers or my boss (one of the perks of working from home is that you can vent and nobody will know), or just a big old F bomb here and there. It's never about him, yet he takes it personal for "upsetting him"...

@heathaalpoel6404

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my Husband he suffered intermittent Explosive Disorder. He loses control and has no recollection (He sees Red) almost like a altered state of consciousness. Therapy was a must! Sucks being on the receiving end hope you found it in your heart to forgive him and most important yourself. I now I struggled with letting go of the past. Crucial to my growth. Best of luck

@gnwzataz

3 жыл бұрын

@@cynzix it would piss me off and hurt me too. I have a father like that and it destroys the whole mood inside

As you described your list of “toxic personality” I realized I know people who have many of those characteristics. Through my own work with a therapist, I can now say I have terminated my relationships with those people. They just were not worth the time and effort to maintain a connection.

@dasitmane7590

Жыл бұрын

Its weird though because some people get aid and understanding with the problems they have and their interests from society and the culture, while others have to work through them themselves and be percieved worse, with more suspicion and less understanding, because the aid and understanding that can come from established or encouraged societal or cultural perspectives and make the process more automatic and easier isnt there

What made my relationship toxic: rigidity, control, refusal to work on problems, silent treatment, cyclical arguments, total disregard for my needs (like seeming angry whenever I was sick), unpredictability. The ones on the list I do think existed were entitlement, arrogance, anger, manipulation, disregard for safety, lack of empathy.

@cccopycat583

3 жыл бұрын

did we date the same person??.lol

@fawn_the_fairy5721

3 жыл бұрын

~ditto~ but still ongoing

@laughingwaters8309

2 жыл бұрын

@@matheresagonzaga7376 ...yes. our marital counselor had to tell me. I didn't even know what that was at the time. I left in 2017 after 27 years of marriage and I'm still a mess.

@aug3014

2 жыл бұрын

I think you must have dated my ex-husband.

@gwm4333

2 жыл бұрын

@@aug3014 😂😂😂 Cluster B’s Behave the Same. Too Toxic they Say they don’t any Problems and instead, it’s the other person who needs to work on themselves. Simply LEAVE for the sake of your Sanity😅

As we all do get angry I'd like you to talk about how to communicate anger without hurting the other and damage relationships.

@misse7154

4 жыл бұрын

I think there are two components: 1.) Learning how to be an effective communicator 2.) Understanding yourself and your emotions = being able to communicate your needs and concerns in a constructive way.

@christiany3698

4 жыл бұрын

A simple thing to do - just step away when you feel angry and take your time to calm down. Never try to have a conversation in a negative state. This would be my first step. Second - learn do control your emotions. Its not true that all of us get angry. Try a simple breathing exercise at the beginning and work your way up from there with other techniques.

@NomoSapienss

4 жыл бұрын

@@christiany3698 Everybody gets angry under the right circumstances. Anger is a fundamental human emotion. Awareness/mindfulness/breathing can help recognize one's feelings, calm down physically and mentally, effectively cutting the emotional response shorter. Not saying this to argue, but it's important to recognize that the goal can't be to never experience the feeling of anger. A more fruitful goal could be to minimize it's negative impacts on oneself and others and learn how to heal relationships (as opposed to trying to never feel anger and thus inevitably feel disappointed in oneself for not reaching this impossible goal). Anyways, your tip on breathing exercise and not trying to have conversations while angry are gold.

@christiany3698

4 жыл бұрын

@@NomoSapienss Good point of view which makes sense. I have to ponder on it for a while.

@Ad_Astra_321

4 жыл бұрын

Teal definitely has a polarising personality... people either love her or hate her. It's interesting.

I held a grudge and destroyed two relationships, but I had to. To act like what they had done was ok was more toxic to me.

You are so professional. I appreciate the straightforward scientific approach.

Thank you for this video 💜 Based on your list, my ex partner was definitely a toxic person. The number one point of anger/aggression definitely applied to him. I walked on eggshells never knowing what I might say or do to set him off & I lived that way for over 3 years. Im so glad I found the strength to leave.

@RHmanyfaces

Жыл бұрын

Had a husband like what you commented. I made excuses for his behavior thinking he would change after 25 years. I divorced him, I waited to long to get out should have left when I was younger.

@tammyfitzgerald5336

Жыл бұрын

💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽🙌🙌only way is no contact

This has been so enlightening. I now know why I feel upset around certain people. I thought I was too sensitive. Thank you Dr. Grande!

Fascinating. Really enjoyed this. Agree on the anger: feeling anger is one thing, acting on it in a destructive, harmful way is another….

As always, a very interesting discussion. I see this post of yours as essentially a public service announcement. Unfortunately, I am a person who is prone to entering into a relationships that are toxic. I tend to think the best of people, try to “save” people experiencing difficulty or sadness, not sufficiently defend my boundaries, and avoid conflict. These traits, coupled with shyness, have facilitated my entry into 3 significant relationships, two failed marriages and one uniquely devastating long-term relationship with what I now understand to be a narcissist, who really did lasting damage to my psyche. My level of distrust, resentment, and anger are so high now, I worry that I, myself, may be turning into a toxic person. Your list will be helpful to me in the future so as not to fall so easily victim to toxic people.

I find how a person acts while driving as a good litmus test. If they have often inappropriate road rage episodes then they probably would eventually turn that aggression on me. So far my theory has unfortunately been proven correct

@BloodNAshez

4 жыл бұрын

I agree. Anyone bragging about road rage I steer clear of.

@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry

3 жыл бұрын

Try driving with them as a passenger and see if they are backseat drivers who have gross over-reactions to every perceived infraction/mistake you supposedly "commit". THEN have them drive, and count the number of times THEY do exactly what they criticise you for, with numerous other, and more dangerous, ones to boot.

@JesusLovesBest

Жыл бұрын

I had someone road rage at me yesterday as I slowed down and turned right a little abruptly, I did use my blinker....i had seen my son needed a ride and I stopped for him. This guy who was following me screamed F- you so loud I jerked the wheel and almost hit the curb. I hope I never see or hear him again. It actually scared me a bit.

@darynagorska655

Жыл бұрын

Omg, my first ex was super angry every time he drove! 😱😱😱 In fact I left him after a 10-yr long marriage! Couldn't stand his toxicity anymore!

@honeybadgernasty

Жыл бұрын

Good observation!

Wow my ex has/had at least 4 on that list. I am still suffering the after effects, he is still blackening my name wherever he goes. Thank you Dr Grande! 😊

Hypothetical personality disorders....I love it! And only Dr. Grande could pull that off with gusto!

@QoraxAudio

3 жыл бұрын

I'm not really sure how this hypothetical "toxic personality disorder" would add value to the DSM, since it's a lot like covert narcissism. But I do think that issues like "compulsive buying disorder" or a more generic variant for example could be a thing.

The education that I am receiving from this channel is having a profound positive effect on my life and the lives around me. Thank you so much for providing this type of content!

And that's every box ticked for a colleague of mine. I'm so glad he does not work on my team anymore because it was a very stressful time back then :/

10) Holding a grudge and being unforgiving. 9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour e.g infidelity 8) Sense of entitlement 7)Arrogant,condescending and pretentious 6)Reckless disregard for the safety of others 5)Inappropriate or constricted affect or coldness. Blocks tenderness safety and Sensitivity. 4)Extreme position on conscientiousness. Lack of regard or rigid adherence to rules. 3) Being manipulative and deceitful 2)Lack of empathy ( cognitive & affective) and remorse. Guilt 1)Agression and Anger Dependent and avoidant personality not included.

I live with a toxic and have worked for narcissist people. I just have a sense of unease when in their company,stuff doesn't add up. I don't want to be with them. I also find I cannot be authentic with them.

@QoraxAudio

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, being authentic is dangerous, because once they know what type of person you are, they'll use your personality against you by means of manipulation or passive-aggressive provocation.

Its a good checklist. Sometimes i cant say someone having personality disorder, but in my gut i sense something went terriblely wrong of this person, it helps for evaluating that persons toxicity.

Dr Grande you are a very skilled teacher. The ability to make a complex subject easy to understand and interesting at the same time is a true skill. Thank you.

To me, holding a grudge is a level of entitlement. It’s like justifying oneself as so important that being wronged never deserves grace.

@virginiamoss7045

3 жыл бұрын

Well said. The idea of holding a grudge seems totally exhausting to me. Hatred by some people also seems so terribly tiring that I just don't see how they do it so passionately. I guess hatred can be a unifying factor that appeals to people who are insecure and need other people but are generally rejected by others. So all the hateful people band together and they feel more secure and fulfilled. Then those groups make the rest of society's lives miserable and dangerous. Humans are such an enigma.

@aboultbee1

3 жыл бұрын

Wow. This is so wise and true

@momtosaoirse

3 жыл бұрын

I never thought of it that way. You're so right!!

@BlueBerryBronzer

3 жыл бұрын

That was so well analyzed... and this is coming from the queen of grudge holding! It’s not so much holding on to hatred for me it’s more like “you done me wrong and hurt me so I’m going to create a world in my head where you never existed and if I run into you, you are now a stranger I am forced to me cordial with and nothing more”

@calabiyou

3 жыл бұрын

It depend what the grudge is about. Why should you be allowed to get way with anything, expecting to be forgiven.

Great list of 10 behaviors that are toxic. Attributing any 4 of them would be a toxic person... Where would being hypersensitive to criticism and never saying sorry or apologizing for anything with blame shifting. Could be a combination of #2 & #3 sliding into #1? Yes, I knew that I had a toxic marriage, but 10 for 10+ WHEW!

Dr. Grande's videos are a masterclass in how one can become more knowledgeable and also a better person!

On Number 1, I think passive aggression, as seen with covert narcissism, would also be included. So, less shouting, hitting, throwing things, but more underhanded destructive behavior (accidentally on purpose) - breaking something - like a delicate clock, or door latch, or harming a pet, etc. Or damaging, hiding, tossing out, important items (phone laptop, photos, jewelry, great-grandmas quilt, etc.)

It is very real and I call it "Mother"

@Huundeblogg

3 жыл бұрын

😧

@anotherplanet5828

3 жыл бұрын

Hugs. I just went no contact with mine after almost 55 years of toxic sludge eminating from her hateful lips.

@saloninegi7062

3 жыл бұрын

Yup! Mine too!

Excellent extrapolation and selection of toxic behaviors. You also gave great explanations for your choices.

I think, if you feel confused about what's happening, that's a good starting indicator the person may be toxic. For me it's Anger (bullying, threatening), lying (gaslighting), controlling (forcing their will on you), arrogance/entitlement, bearing a grudge (from a real or imagined hurt) and posing as the victim. And alcoholism/substance abuse often goes hand in hand.

Doctor my poor sister apparently fits all of these things…and yet doesn’t seem to know or care about toxicity. Thank you for the clarity of this description.

2-3 outta 10 !!! I feel good " But , I still feel like I need alot of work personally !! I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else !! God" knows I want & need to continue to work on myself !! Thank 💞 you

Trying to have a relationship with someone with many or most of these traits is definitely crazy making. I’m so glad I found this information and have been set free from justifying their behavior.

@tammyfitzgerald5336

Жыл бұрын

Ya can’t sorry I had to boot his ass out hell no life too short live everyday as it is your last tomorrow never promised 🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙌💥💥💥🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

@AbuilyasalAryanee

6 ай бұрын

​@tammyfitzgerald5336 you are a narcissist

Dr. Grande...I just found your KZread site a few weeks ago. I have watched hour's of your videos already and I can honestly say that you have taught me the answers too so many things that I have wondered about for year's. You are an excellent Doctor and I am so grateful to have found you. Your wisdom is priceless. Thank you

I think you hit a point on #4 when you brought up about either following rules exactly or not following rules... what I notice from toxic personalities often can switch extremes when it benefits themselves. Break rules they don’t like, the virtue signaling when people are watching.

Dumping your anger onto others is like letting rip loud and smelly farts in confined public space.

Always interesting to hear what you have to say. It seems to be a very common catch phrases the toxic person and not wanting negativity. I always felt that I wanted to be kind and not dispose of people that are struggling. I have learned the difference between feelings and emotions vs. Simply bad behavior and abuse. I remove myself from those individuals lives that display bad or abusive behavior towards me.

Brilliant and thoughtful analysis. We need a "malignantly annoying" symptom. Someone for instance who puts you down, then commiserates that it's such a shame you're a mediocre person.

Wow! You have 95k subscribers!!! I started watching you early on and you have hundreds of comments now too. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge.

Very helpful! We always find reason why is it ok to be frustrated, angry, holding a grudge. Respecting others starts with little things, which are extremely difficult to see. When we talk about personality disorders we talking about crimes and serious boundaries violation, but the relatively small infractions actually are also toxic, destructive and hurtful.. I would add being judgmental, overly critical, and speaking badly about others (not in therapy settings) to the list.

Yes & there’s lots of ppl who have 4 +, unfortunately

Thank you for these videos, I have PTSD and have an impaired judgement emotionally (which I am working on) and was a people pleaser to the leader of my group. I gave up my money, house, and friends for what I thought was spiritual. I traveled to Bali with the group summer 2019. I was used, phyically, emotionally, and sexually.

Uncontrollable anger and rage I dealt with in myself towards others until I was 50. I was toxic and I understand why it scores the highest value. After much prayer, one day, thank God, it released from me. I’m enjoying my life now for 11 years... and so are all those around me. Of course, not everyone has forgiven me. Keep praying. I prayed intensely for 15 years for help, it wasn’t overnight. I’m hoping your freedom comes sooner.

Sounds pretty toxic to me! 😪😡 I’ve been on the receiving end. Not nice!

@kathryncarter6143

4 жыл бұрын

Formed an escape plan yet????

Not Not sure that anger should come first or even be in the list at all. Anger is constructive if it gets someone to seek justice or heal themselves of hurt. It can be the engine of ambition and if you stifle anger by dismissing it , that can lead to all kinds of mental health issues. Displaying it inappropriately should be the key point here -taking it out of innocent people, constantly using it as an excuse not to move on. It is not anger that is the problem it is the inappropriate processing of that emotion that makes it so problematic. I would put being 'superficial and indifferent' in that list too. If people don't care enough about the people around them how can that be good for society and relationships? I would put lack of empathy at No.1 and Jealousy and Envy ought to be in that list too, which often does lead to destructive behaviours like bullying. My list would be: 1. Lack of Empathy (if you can't wear someone else's shoes, you can't relate to someone's pain properly and can't right a wrong) 2. Indifference and Superficiality of relationships (lack of true caring - using and exploitative) 3. Inability to process anger properly to good effect (to heal or act to improve a situation) 4. Jealousy / Envy (we live in an imperfect, unequal world. We need to cope with that healthily not take out frustration out on others) 5. Passive Aggressive behaviours (lack of communication to punish someone instead of dealing with an issue head-on) 6. Lack of Accountability : Arrogance / Entitlement (unwilling to submit to a higher being /God- no spiritual values means unfettered behaviours) 7 Obsessiveness and refusal to move on (lack of forgiveness to move on - get stuck in hatred) 8. Over-dependency (co-dependency is damaging if you breach boundaries or can't respect characteristics you don't have or agree with) 9. Dishonesty and lying - shows lack of respect for relationships) 10. Inflexibility (not getting on with people, being willing to cooperate or compromise) - essential in any relationship

"they are looking for an excuse to justify unproductive and hurtful behavior" thank you. No one likes to feel unsafe and frightened.

Another trait i would include is hypocrisy: in effect hold those you have in relationships to a double standard. “you need to follow the rules, but I am above the rules.” My father used to say , “Do as I say, not as I do” thanks again Dr.G

Dr. Grande, im really glad you made this video, in my opinion it was really needed. ill definitely be sharing this with my friends. thank you.

Boy how I felt after we broke up, didn’t want to let him go... Took me years to get over him... Now I realise he wasn’t good for me... He is a policeman of 34 years, he lie, he abused me so bad Plus my own daughter as well, he cheated, he con me. No wonder my Doctor told me he was a sociopath... Maybe having a Convert Narcissistic Mother had something about why I pick this partner ? Loving all your videos thank you so much from Australia 🇦🇺.

@elyaqui5324

4 жыл бұрын

Yea alot of police officers are the same. Power hungry ego trip. I dont know how woman always go for the Most piece of shit Men. Nice guys always finish last that's a fact

narcs passive aggression - leaving family after 19 years... cheating for many years... "paying back" by things that missing after 15-16 years... so no wonder I did struggle with bitterness & unforgiveness by not running away from toxic person-it's contagious, damaging... for kids specially... 🇬🇧😔

Thank you Dr Grande:: Wish I had wisdom 60 yrs ago, my sibling enjoyed making me “trip up”.

Very interesting topic, Dr. Grande. When you have the chance, please talk about people with Aspergers/high functioning autism and relationships. Thank you.

@velvetindigonight

4 жыл бұрын

Great Idea! So underdiagnosed especially in women and because of this can create real issues in close friendships and relationships. Professor Tony Attwood has a great lecture here on YT 'Girls and Aspergers' which is so full of usefull information and advice including relationships including with items as well as people! Enjoy

@warriormanmaxx8991

Жыл бұрын

@Angela Cret - Why does Dr. Grande have to talk about Asperger's/ autism? There are plenty of videos on KZread already - there is no cure, or pills to take for normalcy ... whatever "normalcy" means.

@angelacret

Жыл бұрын

@@warriormanmaxx8991 Because a true scientist will always look for answers to a problem where there are no answers (not yet !). I perceive Dr. Grande as a scientist who did not stop looking for answers.

I fit that profile Doc. Thanks for crafting this analysis. Great work!

I’ve met many men from Central America that behave this way- think Americans and women should give them things and get really mad if you call them out for their arrogance and lack of contributions

Thank you very much for your clarifications about the idea of 'toxic' vs an actual disorder. I am always grateful when people are clear about things like that.

Excellent video, dr. Grande, as always. Really interesting and useful. Thank you!

I know one sign of a toxic personality. When you say to your mate "hey, look what I learned from Dr. Grande today" and you get "who is Dr. Grande?? Another man!?" "He's on KZread." "Who is KZread!? Another man!?"

@igunzOsick

4 жыл бұрын

Nah thats just a sign your mate is a actually a caveman

@amanitamuscaria7500

4 жыл бұрын

Pmsl

@CristinaAcosta

3 жыл бұрын

😂oh my.....

Thank you for the description box you crafted!! Perfectly concise and helpful. You are SuperDr

Well this was an eye opening video for me. Love the systematic way you explain the material. Thanks Dr. Grande. Will listen a 2nd time.

Great list! I'd be bothered by only one of these behaviours showing up consistently.

Been going to therapy and addressing my rage issues ... I always suspected that I had Borderline traits, especially when I was younger and in response to my childhood, but I also struggle with holding a grudge and not forgiving certain people. It's not a whole lot but my mother is among them and one or two people who remind me of my mother and have tried to hurt me, I just can't change my mind about them. Not sure why I can't let that go yet.

@carciismith9046

2 жыл бұрын

When I did dbt, I learned that my rage was what was described to me as a secondary emotion, ie. I couldn't cope with my sadness and fear of abandonment leading to my anger at having those emotions. It takes alot of practise, but learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions, greatly reduced the incidence of rages. I would recommend Dbt to anyone that wants to learn skills that can help overcome borderline traits.

@mandydandy8403

Жыл бұрын

I'm in the same boat

@lisamcdonald2877

Жыл бұрын

I don't believe that forgiveness is always the goal. I don't obsess over past hurts, but I have no desire to tell myself the major ones don't matter anymore. They helped make me who I am, for better or worse. I'm not telling anyone else to adopt my view, just expressing it.

@SirenaSpades

Жыл бұрын

It only hurts you, to keep using energy on holding grudges. And if you act on these grudges, it makes you look insane.

I personally believe that the lack of empathy should be on top for this one reason: If you are an empathetic individual and you genuinely care about others,even if you DO have the other toxic ingredients lets say, which do make you toxic yes,with empathy one is far more likely to seek professional help to curb the negative aspects of their personality while those who dont are less likely and their negativity becomes worse and worse with time. Of course im not a mental health professional but here is my opinion

Holding a grudge. Inappropriate provocative behavior. Sense of entitlement. Being arrogant and condescending. Disregard for others safety. Coldness. Extreme inflexibility of either breaking all the rules or perfectionism. Manipulation and lying. Lack of empathy or remorse. Aggression and anger mixed together. A combination of any four could be considered toxic. Thanks Dr. Grande.

👍🏻 Dr. Grande! Perfect explanation of the dangerous personalities. 💗 💕 💗 Hope your having a good summer. 😊

Wow awesome video! 👏👏👏 Please share more of your hypothesis in future videos! 😀😀

I think your list was very well thought out. I would probably add pathological lying, this one is pretty toxic. I am glad you added lack empathy at the second place, that makes total sense. Empathy is a concept that I find it fascinating, it took me a long time to comprehend that some people have no empathy, in fact I still don’t know if I can fully understand that. Such a nice video, truly enjoyable!❤️

Great video dr. Grande! Grateful for your painstaking videos!

My favorite line: “Now, I am not creating disorders here for the DSM”. 🌿👀🌿 I love it! 🤣😂🤣👍👍THANK U, Grande! I’m always looking for something to turn into funny & it speaks no ill of you! It is just my goofy, over-educated & under-utilized brain🤪!

@kathrinjohnson2582

4 жыл бұрын

😄😄😄

@tracieday8661

4 жыл бұрын

He cracks me up on just about every video. I love this guy.

This was such a great smorgasbord! Thank you. I have seen such a complex tapestry of co-morbidity in several people close to me, I have had trouble placing them into just one box. I really appreciate this. Thanks again.

@rosiehawtrey

2 жыл бұрын

Not entirely sure you know what co morbidity means. My cancer and Fibromyalgia (which seems to incite cancers, yay me) and the histamine cascade I had are co-morbidities to me catching cv19, or practically any other infection (and if you think that bundle of joy is over, think again) but being a vicious little a-hole is not a condition that puts your health at risk.. Unless your wife happens to have a large joint in the fridge she can belt you with (Roald Dahls adult stories are absolutely hilarious)...

Excellent Dr Grande 💜 you've really used your experience wisely to come up with this. In my life the hostile, superior, much older brother, fits toxic personality towards me, according to this insightful list of personality criteria. Thank you. I couldn't believe how spot on you were.

I came to know two persons in my life whom I consider toxic, both workplace. Both are quite aggressive at times and passive-aggressive at _all_ times.

Dear Dr. Grande, thank you for sharing your experience, kindness and wisdom with the world. Sadly, most of those traits you describe exist in most of my work associates, and a few of my family members. This discussion also has the listener reflect on their own behavior, which may be part of your intention here... I know I did :) Again, thank you kind sir.

I love your videos. Pls how can I deal with jealous ( envious) people? Can you make a video? Tks

you’ve done well. Anger/rage is enough all by itself

Due to being bullied throughout my life, I tend to hold grudges, and I am deeply sensitive and the slightest things cut deep, also I find it difficult to forgive. I only have one symptom, as I am not aggressive, more passive/aggressive. But I can only be like that for so long, as I feel that is a failing, people see me as weak.

@JOtt-hg6vu

4 жыл бұрын

Please don't take this video to heart. I think it's extremely judgmental. Just the word toxic is so very harsh. We are all weak and have our failings. That doesn't make us toxic. It makes us human.

@okaywhynot4728

4 жыл бұрын

Every single human being has a shortcoming or flaw that they have to work on, and just like you deserve to be gentler to yourself (rather than assume you’re thoroughly toxic), you should bear in mind that most people doing or saying hurtful things is more a cry of accumulated personal pain than an actual portrayal of you. We’re all *some* manner of fucked up. The key is really to know what and actively work on it.

Incredibly, my ex girlfriend had all those 10. The evil stunts she pulled on me has left me in recovery. Her favourite trick was mocking me by text, after a paranoid rant that I had been cheating (projection or paranoia) of her sexual conquests. After some digging I found out she had made it all up to hurt me. My crime? Was to merely love her. I am still coming out of mental shock. She would change into a sort of mocking demon. It was scary, I used to shake and I am a guy who is quite tough.

@lisbethbird8268

4 жыл бұрын

Mocking demon...I recognize. It thinks it's all that and a,bag of chips. It is freaking scary because is true inhumanity insanity.

6:36 "Inappropriate provocative behaviour ..... affects 40% to 60% of marriages." Yikes !!!

This was a very comprehensive list, and I liked that you pointed out the overlaps in symptoms. I've sadly known people with many of them, and even know someone with most of them. Thank you for this informative video.

Thank you for your evaluation of what could be the traits of a toxic personality. I find it very useful. A+ as always.

It's almost unbelievable, but your videos are still more brilliant and on a very highly excellent educational level. Thank you so much Dr. Grande 👍 I miss passive aggressive behaviour, but maybe it can be included with aggression itself and probably we can see this behaviour with several personality disorders, like BPD, NPD and the construct of vulnerable narcissism? The problem with people who have OCPD is that they often demand also these perfectionistic behaviours from others. You're not allowed to make mistakes, so you're going to walk on eggshells. Thanks for the list in the description! Have a good evening doc 😃

Shortcuts (click on blue M:SS time stamp): 5:36 10. Holding a grudge and being unforgiving 6:34 09. Inappropriate provocative behavior 7:08 08. Sense of entitlement 8:13 07. Being arrogant, condescending and pretentious 9:00 06. Reckless disregard for the safety of others 9:31 05. Coldness 10:14 4. Extreme position conscientiousness 11:39 3. Being manipulative, deceitful 12:09 2. Lack of empathy, remorse, guilt 13:13 1. Aggression, anger

@audreydaleski1067

Жыл бұрын

One thing I do not forgive is a narcissist gut and face and neck punching a small woman.

I love your videos Dr. Grande, mainly because you present both sides of the subject, as completely as you can and fairly. You may state your opinion, yet put forward the scientific facts, as you've studied them. Thank you for your time and expertise. I am very grateful.

This is so useful in order to really be able to name symptoms of a toxic personality, in both directions, recognising why others' behaviours are so problematic but also in supporting self-awareness, recognising times that I might be contributing to pain in a relationship. Your videos so far are very clear and well expressed.