Dr. Ken Adams is a fully licensed psychologist located in Michigan. He specializes in the areas of child abuse, dysfunctional family systems, sex addiction enmeshment. He is the author of numerous peer-reviewed papers, book chapters, and Silently Seduced and When He’s Married to Mom as well as co-editor of Clinical Management of Sex Addiction-Revised. He was the co-recipient of the 2001 “Readers Choice Award” for his paper on Shame Reduction and Affect Regulation. In 2011, Dr Adams received the “Carnes Award” for “outstanding work in the field of sexual addiction and compulsivity" and in 2016 received the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from IITAP for his work with trauma and addiction.
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To easy solution. Menu preliminaries were not been taken into account. The whole direction very good. But in this form is not for all, especially for wounded ones.
Yeah im getting divorced because of it I can do this anymore
Hell no im not but go talk to my ex husband and his wife mommy
Can you do more videos like this? Also what about Father’s Day? And the type of communication between spouse and his mother, like texts during dedicated time with his partner or the MIL sending gushing texts and “hearting” everything the spouse replies with during dedicated couples time? Or the spouse having to end each conversation/phone call with his mother and and sisters with “I love you”? What if your spouse is really into that and there’s that exchange between them leaving you and your child alienated?
Thank you for talking about this!
Thoroughly benefit from the knowledge you share. The music is very distracting.
What if they live w the mother bc their Father passed away and he said that the Son has to take care of the mother? How does he separate himself from that so he can have a loving relationship with his primary partner. His response to the partner is saying that being close to family is important and acts as its a heroism thing to do for his mom. Also note that his mom is healthy and able to do anything and come and go as she pleases.
I was married to one. Wow to this day even posy divorcr hes learnt nothing and still spending every spare minute with his mum
I have been with my SO for 18 yrs and from the get go, his mother was very critical of me. His mom "boycotted" our civil wedding. She didn't even attend it. She intentionally went on a vacation to visit her friend in FL a few days before our wedding. She also would go and eat out with my SO and his sister and specifically tell my SO not to take me. Just the 3 of them. My SO also always told me not to make him choose between his family and me. As if I'm not his family. All of them made me feel like an outsider (except for my sil) like I didn't belong there, like I wasn't part of that family. It always felt like my mil was always in competition with me. I just found Dr Adam's youtube channel a couple days ago and man oh man, I felt like he was talking about my husband and my life when he was talking about the enmeshed man and his partner. I finally understand why my spouse is the way he is. It's like a catch 22. I'm finally starting to understand what it is I've been experiencing for 18 yrs but now that I'm starting to understand... I don't know if I want to continue being in this relationship. 😢
My husband put his father and family first
If someone comes from a toxic family , it is essential that they put the healthy, adult relationship first. That can work. But if someone is first beholden to enmeshed clingers, that is not likely to change, and one is better off leaving.
My MIL tries to be my “best friend” by constantly offering “help” & “gifts” & constant texting trying to insert herself into our lives. She’s like some kind of mother hen with all her grown children, including my husband. My brother in law is almost 30 & still lives with her. Haha. She’s obnoxious & controlling. My husband & I have spoken with her twice about boundaries to no avail. Eventually I blocked contact with her all together because she’s started to copy me- wanting to buy the same furniture I have & other weird behaviors. She also pesters us about visiting with our 4 month old daughter. Which I have put an end to because she disregards my instructions concerning my child. Plus, I dont trust her. My husband is learning to put us first so Thank God for that.
I did the same! I grabbed my clothes though and went to my mom’s house. I’ve never walked out the door on him through any kinda momma drama but this was the breaking point! She literally stared at him while he ate the dinner she cooked watching him eat every bite! Pulled her chair so close in front of him her knees almost touched his. When he was done she instantly started packing up all the food. When he hugged her by she moaned ohhhhhhhh he gives the beeeeeeest hugs! As she stared at me with a wicked grin! That entire hour N a half was the last hours of our relationship and I believe he was enmeshed with me because it’s all he was taught by her! He thinks it’s codependency, but it’s well beyond that!
And of course he lives with mommy now right where she cursed him to be! I have prayer up over her wicked sickness, and how it’s covered him in hookers, loose sex, bars and alcoholism. He not working on any problems from childhood, just running into his bars. Won’t talk to me or anything yet all of his stuff is still her a month later
Hi Dr Adams, I have a sibling that was the golden girl and I have some serious resentment at the relationship that took place between her and my dad ... she is aware of the concept but basically refuses that its an issue. it's really frustrating because my dad also doesn't acknowledge it. Is there anything i can do to help her see that it's a problem?
Your book changed my life! Thank you!
I bought the book today. I come from a very dysfunctional family and had a boyfriend who had a very inappropriate relationship with his mother. They would call each other all the time and even sleep together in the same bed. They also united against me and always had a problem with me. That was the trigger for me to buy the book, although I ended that relationship years ago. However, this book gave me an explanation about my father that I could never figure out. He treated every woman with disrespect except his mother. All women were 'prostitutes,' 'stupid,' 'fat,' or just someone to have sex with. He talked about ALL women like that and was very verbally abusive to me. And yet he spends every vacation with his mother. I finally get it-I do not have to fear him or think I am not enough for him anymore. I swear, your work helped lift a weight off my shoulders that I had for 30 years, or who knows how long, in generational trauma.
My boyfriend had a prostate exam scheduled. He chose his mother to accompany him. His mother even went into the room when he was getting examined. I ran and never looked back. They are sick.
Valuable message for any partner of an enmeshed spouse.
It’s very common with post holocaust Jewish families.
I have this problem with my boyfriend younger sister. He’s been taking care of her all her life she is now 30 with a 10 year old can’t keep a job. She feels like the other women 😢 so codependent idk what to do
My husband is mommy’s best friend. He’s 60 and she’s 91. She still speaks to him with baby talk and cute pet names, it’s sickening. She did everything in her power to end our relationship and prevent us from being together. I touched it out and now he is finally becoming interested in recovery and starting over to build a healthy marriage without mommy triangulating.
Where have you been? I've been dealing with this for 50 years. 😢I'm about to separate because I can't, no WON'T take being at the END of his priority list... behind his family. I hate him for what he's put me through over those people ALL OF THESE YEARS. I just want out.
Anything you ask for or need will be considered control because the mother said it is. I just dont have any compassion left. I dont know how a man can join in on the bashing of his own created family, probably leading the way in fact. How is the whole family so enamored with a man bashing his wife and children to his family of origin? I am certain that these gatherings consist of "I too hate my created family and heres all the things we can laugh at, and look how great I am to be able to do all of these terrible things! Lets go on another vacation together where we exclude my created family!" And they all applaud the families circus monkey and take his money, hurting his created family! Its a hive of narcs. They are unworthy of your feelings, your love, and you makin excuses for the behaviors that hurt you and your children. This series of events will continue forever. Repeatedly, ad naseum. Your better off looking for support from a cat turd.
Food and masterbation! They are two things that I cannot get control over.
Is there any hope? 😢
Bowen center for family enhancement did an episode on Asian families which is similar to this show
My best friend died from emmeshment. He was his alcoholics borderline moms (girl she couldn't have) emmeshed buddy. His dad was distant from her (and children) so she made my friend her girlfriend buddy. This screwed up with identity and he struggled with his sexual indentity to the point he could not make it in any releationship. He would pick alholic women and then would switch to unavailable men. He hung himself in his california condo and was a very sad event in my life. He would often become aloof and wouldn't return calls or emails. He was very emmeshed and had a choatic attachment style.
Literally having to leave my husband, because he refuses to see it while his mom behaves covertly possessive
I feel unbearably broken n how much I only ripped myself off being blindly stupid😢
It is important to note that some cultures promote enmeshment. For example, Latin American culture.
I say dont date them ar all
I only learnt about enmeshment last year and it disturbed me so much as i recognised that, that was my life so far. My father was dying in hospital from cancer and was in the end of life ward so you could only get 1 hr visiting times. My mother was also in hospital as she tried to commit suicide the week before, I lived over the other side of the country so it was difficult to arrange visits appointments etc. The last time I saw my father was for 5 mins, as I was so busy running around from my mother’s demands. I knew it was the wrong thing to do as I should’ve been with my father, but I couldn’t stop myself from serving my mother’s needs, It was a very strange experience , It felt like my mind was outside of my body and was pleading with myself to stop, but I just couldn’t stop myself from serving her. That was the last time I saw my dad, and I suffer greatly with that memory. I didn’t go to his funeral as I knew deep down that it wouldn’t have been about laying my father to rest it would’ve been just another outing serving mother and consoling her grief and my needs and grief would take the back seat again. I said goodbye to him In my own way. I felt like sharing this as I believe from personal experience you don’t feel like you’re in control.
I’ve looked for the video of enmeshed gay sons but can’t seem to find it
What about the helicopter/snowplow mother?
Very helpful video, as usual. When the enmeshed man is so defensive of his mother and dismissive of his wife that he seems to not even be able to validate her feelings, is there any hope? It's painful to see that he doesn't know how to connect with his wife compassionately whenever she has a complaint about mom's intrusion and manipulation.
A person who is heavily wounded by his mother, who bears 4 sons and not having enough time for each son, usually ignoring the younger sons , the boy grows up feeling ignored, unloved and unworthy, and if the scars are heavy, this boy grows up being a player, and a lot of wealthy men becomes Christian Gray, 50 shade of Gray.....it's a mental power , emotional fight against his Demon 👿 mother.
I actually wonder do these men know they are emeshed with their moms. Are they in this much denial? I feel the only option for myself is to walk away and leave him deal with my loss . Since mom is priority and refuses to acknowledge it. Kind leaves me no choice other than walk away and move on for myself.
Hello, The information provided is excellent and greatly appreciated. My other, in his fifties, I believe is enmeshed with his mother. He’s never been married, very sweet hearted man. Our relationship has been on again off again. It seems behind closed doors I must be an issue. In 5 years we’ve never spent a holiday together ironically we end up breaking it off. Seems convenient when I’m asking about our holiday plans together. Seems when I’m around his mom has a lot xtra long honey do list from her beyond the usual. Impulse control issues a definite with food. Sex , he has ED i believe as a result. I feel I’m never a priority and when I nicely confront him about this he gets defensive and makes me feel like this is crazy and his mother has no bearing on his issues. I feel as tho I’m unaware and if I call anything out he gaslights me for sure. I almost feel as tho am I losing my mind.
You going on dates with your mom every weekend is a red flag. Bish needs her own man 😂
My Mil finally tied the knot at about 55! But even then she needed her son to do all of the things for both of them now, and take the belittling from 2 now. My spouse was severly abused in all the ways as a child so he is accustomed, then he comes home to me and his cup runneth over... and then he bleeds toxicity all over me.
Jezebel spirit
Is it possible that the enmeshment pattern bleeds into his relationships with exes or women friends too? Like codependance or something?
sex addiction is fueled by enmeshment
I just finished your book! Had no clue i had your video saved already! Lifechanging! 👏👏 thank you very much for sharing your knowledge
This works for men that can see what's happening but when you have a man that can not see the error of his mum's and his ways and becomes violent every time the subject of his mother comes up then there is no hope. Good luck to all
I am in this situation w my partner and his sister not his mother
This is very solid advice. However you must also keep in mind there’s a lot of narcissism and co-dependency involved when it comes to mother-son enmeshment where these sons and in some cases even daughters are conditioned from the day they’re born since they’re at the mercy of these pathological women at the most vulnerable stages in their lives. It makes breaking free and resolving this sadly that much more complex.
I could move to a different country and cut off contact but it will never feel like enough. Real freedom is giving yourself permission to be who you actually are.
Thank you for addressing this. I have two friends who I suspect are both “Daddy’s” girls. One of them recently had a dream about a faceless man. I wondered if enmeshment with her dad could be an issue. She has been married twice and is twice divorced. Both fathers of my friends are on their second marriage and their first wives are deceased. Makes me wonder if they died of broken, lonely hearts. 💔 I appreciate the work you do in this area of expertise.
Even they have their own family his mother and sibling have priority and the wife is not accepted by his family.
What you say is so accurate. I wish i could have seen this video sooner. My ex literally said his parents are his Gods. Every time i would address his unhealthy family dynamics, he would get angry saying it's amazing how close he is to his family and he tried to justify everything saying it's just him "respecting his parents" and he "owes it to them to look after them and make them happy, because they gave him life."
mom knows best . . Always
She is the only one who knows anything.. 😬