Talk-Works Psychotherapy is a practice run by Tom Corbishley offering one-to-one, couple, group and online therapy and counselling. I work using Contemporary, Psychosexual and Pesso Boyden therapy.
This channel is to share thoughts and viewpoints that I have found interesting and helpful. I hope you will find the information useful too.
Talk-Works is based in Croxley Green, Hertfordshire in the UK.
You can find more information on my web site www.talk-works.co.uk
Пікірлер
I love it!
I'm glad you liked it.
Remarkable. Your categories are different from what I've seen so far - Dismissive Avoidant/Anxious Preoccupied/ Fearful Avoidant // Disorganized, however the upper part of the diagram is priceless. Thank you!
Thanks for your comment which made me think about why I did it this way. I had been finding the classical 'quadrant' explanations rather unhelpful. To my way of thinking about it, people who are insecurely attached are likely to be anxious, and their attachment style is how they manifest the expression of that anxiety. The categories you have seen puzzle me. Isn't dismissive just another word for avoidant? Fearful and anxious are also synonyms? OK Chaotic is the same as Disorganised. I'd love to hear what you think of this.
Thank you for that feedback! I have a headache right now and cannot say I'm an expert but I'll give it my best shot. Avoidant comes in two flavors, Dismissive and Fearful, that are at one level polar opposites of each other, and at a MUCH deeper level, actually very similar. So in a way it can be indeed seen as two different forms of anxiety. However Dismissive avoidants, before dismissing others and the needs of others, actually dismiss their own feelings and need for human attachment, and the everyday anxiety that comes with it. It's like they're a powerhouse, but with feet of clay. So it's more a dormant seismic fault/hidden fissure, than anxiety. Anxiety is suppressed, as are emotions and feelings, in the Dismissive avoidant (DA), whereas an Anxious Preoccupied (AP) is usually very much in touch with his or her emotions and feelings. From what I understand, Fearful Avoidant (FA) is an extreme form of Anxious, or perhaps, Anxious whenever fear of abandonment & rejection is triggered. Dismissive Avoidants have learned since childhood to outlaw feelings & emotions, since that was met with either outbursts or silent treatment by their caregivers. ie, they were dismissed themselves and had no one to turn to as they grew up, and had to adapt to that. The only way to survive was to not expect love. Lacking a secure model, they have learned to be hyper self reliant, are used to human-to-human emotions not even being a thing, not "getting" why others make such a big deal out of feelings, and feeling overwhelmed by the feelings & needs for closeness of others. They do have feelings however, but they are suppressed, and when real closeness arises - which of course they yearn for deep down - it overwhelms their system of stoicism so they pull back and pretend nothing ever happened, finding relief in the fact that the unsustainable situation is over, finding comfort in workaholism, distractions, creature comfort, binge watching, binge drinking, etc., until the cycle repeats. Because supressed feelings are in fact very much there deep down and will come back "with a vengeance" once things have cooled down (the rinse and repeat usually moving down to another candidate to see if by any chance the same recipe yields a different result. Spoiler: not without realizing you're sabotaging yourself and seeking counsel to learn to change your heart. The makeshift tools of infancy have served their purpose and can be honored, however relying on them in the adult life is like relying on an antivirus from the past century - it will do more harm than good. I've just come up with that 😀) Fearful avoidants on the other hand, have learned either in childhood or in adulthood sometimes, to become hypervigilant, anxious to meet every need from the significant other they long for. For them, the only way to survive, was to give love for two. Sometimes they model after a parent that did that him or herself, sometimes it is because the caregiver would only give care in situations of anxiety ("omg are you hurt/sick/hungry/etc?") and they modelled the anxiety itself. The irony is that DAs, who don't know to express their feelings since they try to live without them*, are initially very attracted to APs/FAs, since the latter are the closest thing there is to mind readers, seeing APs/FAs have grown to be hypervigilant experts at anticipating needs & crises with their caregivers. However this soon creates tensions as one will trigger each other dramatically. The Dismissive avoidant pulls back, stops replying, breadcrumbs, which would already hurt a secure person, but this sends the Anxious person into a panic, thus hoping and sometimes demanding more closeness and proofs of love, to the point where, out of fear of rejection, they too become avoidant. *(they supress feelings where humans are concerned ; I would dare say that with pets they can be wholly different) It seems that deep down, both Dismissive Avoidants and Fearful Avoidants are convinced they are flawed, somehow, and are just waiting for the other shoe to drop and expect to be dumped at any time. For DAs it is closeness that triggers the fear and then the preventive termination of the relationship. For FAs it is coldness or perceived coldness and lack of interest from the significant other which triggers the fear and subsequent shutdown. By the way, it seems that one's very system, which leaned to either become anxious, or suppress anxiety, has a LOT to do with the autonomous nervous system, the one responsible for Fight or Flight or Freeze or Fawn - look up Polyvagal Theory. I seem to recall that it's the primary system until age 3, and that's why what was imprinted then becomes a structural part of ourselves. The good news is recovery is possible - it will of course take time and brave efforts to overcome oneself. To conclude, I can't put links on KZread comments (they get squelched most of the time), but you'll find daily talks about this on the following channels: - The Personal Development School/ Thais Gibson - Briana MacWilliam - Coach Court - Dr Kim Sage - Katya Morozova - Dr Sarah Hensley - Chris Seiter - Confessions of an Avoidant - Nathalie Louise Remarkable POV short videos by - YoutheCEO - Jimmy on Relationships - Raescurlsandbags Remarkable Short animations by - School of Life I see there are many many more but those are the channels I watch and to whom I owe so much. I look forward to discovering more of your great content! Cheers from France
@@luketimewalker Thanks so much for this deeply thoughtful reply. I guess it shows up my self imposed constraint of keeping my videos to 2 minutes! I do find compatibility in our approaches. To me, avoidant is an orientation to the stress of not wishing to know our natural desire for relationship and dismissive/fearful differentiates the triggering mechanism. All theories about the human condition are just theories (or attempts to find patterns). We are amazing, complex, individuals that can't really be categorised. I tend to think of my schematic as a 'heat map' where we can exhibit all the characteristics depending on the circumstances, with probably the dominant style being the one we go to when we are most stressed. Best wishes from England
@@talk-works hey there There is truth in what you say, and I too am always carving at reality in my own sweet way, sometimes agreeing with the lot, sometimes not. For instance theories around the works of John Bowlby haveevolved and refined over time. However, same ingredients tend to produce same results. And if you look at any of the links I have provided, there is an endless stream of comments saying something along the lines of "omg you're describing me so well it's painful". So, the electron isn't really here nor there, there will always be room for improvement describing its course, however the behavior of the atom is pretty much spot on! Cheers
Agreed (until you enter the quantum realm 😁). If you have any ideas for a two minute simplified explainer video I'd be happy to cooperate with you, I appreciate the way you think.
I was hoping the Gospel would be in the middle.
Different video 😂 (and probably not a two minute one) 🙏
Love the videos, have you stopped making them?
Thanks for your comment and I'm glad you like the videos. I haven't intentionally stopped but I got busy on client work. I have a list of new videos to make, and I hope to resume soon!
@@talk-works awesome, as a fellow therapist I completely understand. I love that your content is straightforward and informative.
Great video
Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for your comment.
As a muslim we R told we have total control of our actions unexpected things may occur. But these R bleSsings where we will be tested on what did we do when it occured. The actions we choose is whT will be judged by God when fCed with thoze challenges
Thank you for this insight
Superb explaination. Thank you very much
Glad you liked it. Thank you for your kind feedback.
excellent summary - and great diagram PERFECT THANK YOU
Thank you for your comment and I'm glad you liked it. Are there any other topics in this area that you'd like to see a two minute video on?
My understanding is that there is another dimension to it. That people with an external locus of control tend to think the whole environment around them need to be corrected when they feel any psychological discomfort. I guess, this can be deduced from what you said, but is that a stretch?
That's a good thought and thanks for commenting. I think this attitude can occur with people who have either locus of control, but it must be more potent with those with an external locus of control because they have fewer options to make changes. What you are describing may fall into the category of narcissism too.
Great job with the visual representation scoring rubric
Glad you liked it. You can download a free template to work out your own at www.talk-works.co.uk/the-wheel-of-life/ It's at the end of the page
Straight up to the point no bs, that's just what pure Chads like you do, i'm making presentation about this for my "Formation of Personality" class and this really opened my eyes. Once again bless you good soul!
Glad you found it helpful - good luck with your presentation!
I think i'm Bi-locus for sure...I very much am going to strive for a bit more internal thinking now that I've learned about Locus of Control today (I've done a deep dive learning about Locus of Control today). I like the illustration.
Thanks for your comment. Good luck with your journey.
@@talk-worksyou too babycakes! 🤩💖
At 80, I am late in realising my life dependency with controlling persons. Old can be free. 2:07
Old can indeed be free, and it is very heartwarming to hear your insight. While we have life, we have the possibility to continue learning. Best wishes to you.
I must try this !
If you would like to visit my website there is a free downloadable worksheet so you can try it. www.talk-works.co.uk/the-wheel-of-life/
Hi. Thank you very much for your great content. I was about to ask for a free template but then I found your website and downloaded the free Wheel of Life worksheet. Thank you again Keep up with the good work 👏🏾
Thank you for your kind comment. I hope you found the template helpful
Echoing what a previous commentator has written below : 'This is really what I am looking for: simple and straightforward!' - thank you
Glad you found it helpful. Please suggest any topics you would like me to cover in a new video
@@talk-works Shame, and why as young beings we 'absorbed' the being shamed by adults, especially primary caretakers, with taking a false sense of being inadequate, insufficient, not enough and all that this implicates. Seems a huge amount to explain in a short 2 minutes..... thanks !!
Great suggestion, thank you. I may have to break it down into more than one video!
Upon watching, it makes total sense... thanks
You're very welcome
Another brief video and though brief, very helpful... a big thank you !
Glad you enjoyed it! Sorry for such a wait for a response!
Brilliant summation and very helpful - thank you
Glad it was helpful!
❤
Glad you liked it ☺
What I find fascinating about Internal and External locus of control is the dynamic it has with religion. I feel like there could be an entire sub-ethical branch of thinking taught about this. Do we want "God to have a plan" or do we want to "be in charge of our own destinies?" Anyway, good video
I think you have just hit the paradox of religion spot on. In the absence of any way to know, I still go with an external locus of control. Thanks for your thought provoking comment.
Internal locus can be interpreted as what we ourselves can influence and control, Religion or god can be interpreted as the structure that influences the external locus or how we deal and see the world and things we can't control. both are required, as both are real forces
Great video!
Glad you enjoyed it
Excellent presentation. Short and to the point! 😊
Glad you liked it!!
hi is it 0-10 or 1-10 to score?
Hi and thanks for your question. The answer is it doesn't matter so long as you use the same scale for all the sections. The idea is to see which areas of your life might benefit from closer attention and this is therefore just a relative scale. I hope that this gives you all the information you need. Please contact me if you would like any further details.
Cheers
Thank you, you are welcome
Explained wonderfully
Thanks for your kind comment. If you have any other topics you'd like me to have a go at please let me know.
it told me something that I really just find out about my self I enjoy this video
Glad it was helpful. All good wishes on your journey
Thanks, for the video. Looking forward to learning the internal locus of control.
Good for you and I wish you all the best with your learning!
Have you a video on Locus of control and its example of use during the USA prisoners of war in Vietnam? I read it at uni - can't find anything on it, and want to refresh my memory of it.
Sorry - that's not something I can help you with. I hope you can find the original papers eventually.
Great Video.Thank you for the knowledge :)
Thank you for your kind comment. If there are other subjects you would like me to make a video about, please let me know.
@@talk-works Will be honoured to have you writing a blog post on my blog on this and other topics .Appreciate it :) Darpan
More video’s please.
Thanks for your comment. I have a stack of videos waiting to be made. Are there any topics you would like me to have ago at?
@@talk-works Yes please perhaps, Breaking Addictive behaviors/Vices and effective ways to study and pass exams for College Undergrads.
Great idea to cover addiction, thanks.✅ Can't help you with your exams though, sorry! 😊
❤
Thanks! Let me know if there are other topics you'd like to see a video on.
Pls start making shorts out of these
Thanks for the suggestion. I'll have a think about it. 60 seconds isn't that long. 2 minutes sometimes feels like a squeeze, but anyway, I'll see what I can do!
Thank you!
Thank you for your kind comment. You can download a free Wheel of Life worksheet from my website www.talk-works.co.uk/the-wheel-of-life/
Is it possible to not believe in free will… but have an internal locus of control? Without having conflicts of beliefs?
This is a fascinating question Josh which I will try to unpack. If you do not believe in free will then that implies that you have no choice or agency in your decisions. This is the ultimate example of an external locus of control so I don't see how it can co-exist with having an internal locus of control. Maybe you could retain the power to choose how you respond to the decisions of fate, which would be some kind of internal locus of interpretation. But that doesn't sound much like control to me. I wonder if this quote from Carl Jung is helpful: "Until the unconscious is made conscious it will direct your life, and you will call it fate" What do you think?
Thanks for the video, looking at improving my internal locus of control!
Glad it was helpful and I wish you well with your plan!
✅ BRILLIANT JOB…. of explaining that in two minutes but please get rid of that goofy, distracting arm. Simple graphics work best.
Thanks for your kind feedback. The arm is a feature of the whiteboard software I use to create the videos. I like it but I guess it's not for everybody 🙋🏼♂️
I'm convinced that locus of control and locus of evaluation are 2 different things. I have an internal locus of control, but an external locus of evaluation (and want to change that).
Thank you for your comment. I agree that they are two different things. Locus of control is where your power lies and generally that is better to be internal. Locus of Evaluation is where the direction of your assessments come from and that is OK to be either (but led from internal). Often described as perceptual positions: 1st position "What is it like to be me?", 2nd position "What would it be like to be them?" and 3rd position "What would it be like to be an observer to this whole scene?" It's great to have free and flexible access to all three positions, but as my teacher always said: "1st position first!"
@@talk-works I really like that 1st, 2nd, 3rd person breakdown. Thank you :)
Very helpful sir.. Thanks
You are very welcome. Please let me know if there are other topics you would like me to explore.
How can secure attachment be learned in therapy?
This is a really good question and it's going to depend on the relationship that is formed with the therapist. The best way I can express it is that secure attachment is what the body anticipates and expects. Insecure attachment is what the body learns as a survival response to a non-ideal situation. So rather than thinking of it as learning secure attachment, think of it as unlearning insecure attachment. I hope that this way of looking at it makes it feel like a natural return to self rather than a hill to climb.
I'm not a therapist but I think it's both ways: Identifying the beliefs that form your attachment behaviour, thinking and searching for alternative beliefs and adopting them in your life, and most important repeatedly recalling this and acting with this new beliefs in your heart so they become a new habit, the secure attachment
How to identify hidden subconscious beliefs that form your insecure attachment: In the next period of time watch what you have as heart-set and mindset when you do something, think of why you did it and what needs and beliefs are there in your heart and mind before you wanted to do it. Start with situations you easily can tell the belief, need and intention. Write a note every time you are conscious of a belief in any situation. With this you will also shed light on the hidden beliefs that are automatic in you in other situations e.g. when acting according to the insecure attachment. The more situations you get conscious about the easier unconscious parts will be accessible consciously. But take only one or two situations at a time. Getting conscious of these beliefs enable you to consciously rewrite the program and install healthy beliefs. But you have to already have some alternative beliefs ready to internalize, write into the program. So before all of this getting-conscious process, look for inspiration for healthy beliefs :)
@@talk-works I disagree. The way to build a new habit is by actually building it regardless of other bad habits. It is the easier way. Sometimes your old habit will come up but if you have built a solid new way/ habit it will be easy for you to let it go, because you got some other right track to go. Don't tell yourself what not to do and don't forbid yourself anything, just tell yourself what alternative to go and strengthen it by repetition of recalling the new beliefs and actions according to them. This is the most secure and easiest way to free yourself from a bad habit. Or would you change a mattress that is bad for you by first throwing it away and then start looking for a good one?
@@suemeyraoz8803 your second response is very good. you can only go as fast as a persons ability to accept such and has the will power to follow thru. some peoples psyche is so severly damaged they have to move in baby steps, others who are at rock bottom have no where to go but up WHEN THEY recognize and CHOOSE to change. some people are forces of nature and once they are taught to recognize the unknown, moving a mountain to get to the top and be the guru is just a matter of time to them. how fast any one goes is at their discretion of what they are comfortable with in first accepting, and then growing. Pinocchio
Thank you for the quick explanation
You're welcome.
I believe it is external right now as I believed things happens to me. However, I am looking to gain internal locus of control so I can take control of my own life. I need stop believing things to me and keep polishing my skills to overcome any misfortune I go through. If my locus was never internal, it is about time make it internal.
Great insight Warren - good luck with your move to Internal.
@@talk-works Thank you!👍
Yep external I am. Now what
Therapy! You can do it!
@@talk-works been in for yrs🙄
Very helpful distinction between ruminations and worries. They are not the same. The analogy with the loans is excellent. Well done.
Thank you for your kind comments Tamarin. Please let me know if there are any other topics you'd like to see me cover.
Thank you! I have and will always have the internal locus of control
Good choice! and thank you for your kind comment.
Thank you.
Thank you Nina
I think the big question is how to help someone fix an external locus
Hi Rachel, that's a good observation. I think psychotherapy is the process that helps people, and education about the locus of control is also a beneficial step for many people.
Thank you!
You're welcome Sonja. Let me know if there are any topics you would like a video on
Thanks for the great video!
Thanks Veronica for your kind comment. Please let me know if there are any topics you would like me to produce a 2 minute video on.
New subscriber here! This is really what I am looking for: simple and straightforward! Thanks xxx
Thank you for your kind comment. Please let me know if there are any other topics you would like me to have a go at covering