Maybe not "instead" of telling them you care.... But "in addition to telling them you care". Some of us are starving to HEAR it with our own ears. 😔🙏 the avoidant will do things to show they care, but as a way to avoid saying it because they're uncomfortable. Funny because they were the ones that created this uncomfortable situation.... They shouldn't be allowed to avoid their discomfort. Just my 2c.
@bittehiereinfugen772314 сағат бұрын
Yes, of course it is possible that what our partner said is true. On the other hand - we often know our partners very well, isn't it also possible that our interpretation corresponds to the truth and our partner is not telling the truth (to himself, the therapist, us)?
@DvO8218 сағат бұрын
Beautiful thank you ❤
@bittehiereinfugen772319 сағат бұрын
It's torture for me to know what type of woman my husband chose when he booked prostitutes. He was quite picky and was willing to pay their higher prices. They were young, extremely pretty Eastern European women, all similar in type. Yes, rationally I know that they were fantasies and that everything probably happened as part of my husband's addiction. But. Always this “but” in my head and heart. But what? Don't fantasies also express longings? Outwardly, I was never even remotely like what my husband bought there. Yes, I compare myself. Because I was always ugly and always overweight since I was a child, which increased as a result of my pregnancies. Yes, that haunts me, because “they” were worth the risk of losing me.
@bittehiereinfugen772319 сағат бұрын
My deepest condolences for your loss, I wish you and your family from the bottom of my heart that you are all surrounded by people who hold and warm you. I don't have the words to adequately express how tragic I find it to lose a loved one so quickly and to be unable to do anything to prevent that person from simply being torn out of life. Yes. Why.
@laurelgardnerКүн бұрын
I'm surprised you didn't mention the question of the context it gets brought up in and whether it's actually pertinent. Like, if they're bringing up the affair when you forgot to cook dinner that seems unfair, but if they're bringing it up because you're about to travel for business again and that's when you cheated before, that makes perfect sense.
@mfar3016Күн бұрын
I find, for me some of those calming techniques are quite the opposite! music can be very triggering. Unfortunately, while I do love to read, it’s very difficult to concentrate or focus on the subject matter of the book. I’ve found my pet soothing, and will try the ice trick.
@ggrace1133Күн бұрын
That’s pretty cruel to do to the affair partner. It’s another betrayal. She/he is suddenly tossed aside like a piece of trash. I used to think affair partners were trash. But the more I study the advice given on these channels, the more I see how little help, consideration, or human decency is given to them, especially long term affair partners who have fallen deeply in love. Some have been misled, some lied to. Some aren’t well, themselves, obviously. Yet the unfaithful spouse seems to owe them nothing after discovery. Nothing. No contact. No trauma there, eh? Humans are really cruel to one another.
@kashmirirose37332 күн бұрын
Thank you...
@evandegenfelder45544 күн бұрын
This completely understandable in the case of the Jewish kids in wartime; that was unimaginable horror to deal with. My MIL doesn't have the Germans to blame for her overbearing/controlling/self aggrandizement and how those traits effected her interaction with her children, particularly her son.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner3 күн бұрын
@@evandegenfelder4554 💯
@Deb107294 күн бұрын
I had a dream last night and I dis like having them. I look at my phone and you are talking about dreams. 🤲🏽 My dreams are always of the other women . Last night the dream is she moved in next door and she was taunting me in my front lawn. Here I am! Most of my dream are of her and him . I am exhausted 🙏🏾
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner4 күн бұрын
Sadly I've had a few clients where that exact thing has happened. Sounds like subconsciously she is violating your personal space. I would try and do your best to reclaim every area of your life that the AP stolen.
@annemariepallister98854 күн бұрын
I have the same sort of dreams. My husband has had 3 affairs all with my friends. in my dream they are all taunting me or having sex infront of me, before DDay I kept dreaming that my mum was blatantly having an affair, she said my dad was boring and he said he was OK with it. I would scream and shout and call her terrible names. I also dreamt that my husband was having an affair with one of my friends as it turned out he was!!
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner3 күн бұрын
@@annemariepallister9885predictive dream, wow.
@bittehiereinfugen77234 күн бұрын
Excellent tips, thanks a million! New weapons again to combat those annoying triggers 💪🏻 Ha, and then there are therapists like mine who told me yesterday that being cheated on isn't traumatizing, and that what I would perceive as a trigger I should just ignore and distract myself, for example by chewing gum.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner4 күн бұрын
Betrayal trauma differs from other traumas and if often the most devastating. - Mr. Jay
@bittehiereinfugen77234 күн бұрын
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Thank you, exactly that. I'm afraid I'll have to look for another therapist or I won't get the kind of help I need.
@evandegenfelder45545 күн бұрын
I have recently heard (again) a statement that I think fits the situation of betrayal: Hurt people....hurt people. A happy, emotionally/mentally healthy person would never hurt someone they love. But emotionally damaged people can. And do. After 10 months of trying hard to recover from the discovery of significant betrayal (30+ years of secrets and lies) and many months of reading/study, counseling, therapists/counselors videos (thank you Mr. Jay) we have begun to understand the reasons WHY. Parental/mother enmeshment and its horrific damage has nearly cost us our 42 year relationship--and a 40 year marriage. If you believe you or your partner are crippled by this, seek HELP. Don't wait.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner5 күн бұрын
100%
@ShaunyP265 күн бұрын
Do they even care though? That's the real question.
@bittehiereinfugen77235 күн бұрын
Now, almost a year after the last confession, I was in the hospital for two days last week for suspected stroke. Luckily it was just a confusional migraine (that's scary enough because I remember almost nothing). The day before we met my husband's ex-AP. And since yesterday I have a thrombosis in my leg 🙄 I also had bad itching and rashes for a year. This too much cortisol is really annoying. I want to be completely healthy again and I want my life back.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner5 күн бұрын
Keep prioritizing self-care and I pray you are both getting professional help.
@bittehiereinfugen77236 күн бұрын
Omg, since I'm acutely ill and have to go to a specialist, who unfortunately has his practice in the city where my husband cheated on me with prostitutes, I've been pondering over the last few hours how I can deal with the damn triggers. Because no matter which route I take, I always pass some places where he has been. I thought about how I could reframe the events and locations. Your question “why did this happen FOR me” clicked. It feels right. Thank you very, very much, from the bottom of my heart!
@bittehiereinfugen77236 күн бұрын
Yes.
@Deb107297 күн бұрын
This is great I understood everything , how do I get my husband to understand?
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner5 күн бұрын
Have him watch this video and if he has any questions he can feel free to reach out to me :)
@christyjohnson56187 күн бұрын
In my case, it wasnt that i got more news, days or weeks later. I uncovered more news cuz he was still seeing her & trying to protect their relationship.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner5 күн бұрын
Unfortunately common. And beyond hurtful.
@jeffreyhamilton18017 күн бұрын
No one should compare themselves to the other person. The other person is lying and saying anything to get the free sex. Once your gone so is the other person. Its all fake.
@bittehiereinfugen77237 күн бұрын
Thank you, this information is worth its weight in gold. I will work through the video piece by piece in a structured manner so that I can implement it in the best possible way for myself. What I noticed yesterday: I'm basically two people. One person is the betrayed wife who is struggling with the aftermath of the betrayal to get better, but currently still needs antidepressants because my brain chemistry is far too messed up to overcome the trauma. The other person is the nurse who is still good at dealing with stark emergency situations; In the refugee camp where I work, many emergencies happened yesterday, some at the same time, the worst being a child with an open skull fracture after falling out of a window. Since we are currently only two nurses, we really had to run from emergency to emergency (the building is huge) and sometimes had to switch back and forth between incidents that were happening at the same time. Nevertheless, I was able to regenerate well afterwards. Afterwards I was able to look after colleagues from other areas of work who were visibly shaken. And, many of our refugees are traumatized, so there were a few extra emergencies in the whole chaos because they were triggered themselves. While we were caring for the child, a woman had a psychogenic seizure because she thought it was her own child that fell out of the window. Trauma is a painful but interesting thing, honestly.
@christyjohnson56189 күн бұрын
Thank u for talking about what no one else tells us will happen, and thats its normal. I really thought i was loosing my mind.
@SaulW-d5q9 күн бұрын
Totally unexpected, I just realized that Mario updated his favorite way to tackle ED and it's crazy! Although what he previously talked about was pretty decent, it was difficult to follow, I just go'ogled the latest by Mario Volpstein, it's so much simpler and potent now!
@bittehiereinfugen772310 күн бұрын
To anyone considering cheating: think beyond the tip of your nose. Do you really want to be the person who cheats on your partner? Can you still meet yourself afterwards without shame? Is cheating worth causing your partner pain and possibly losing him or her?
@bittehiereinfugen772311 күн бұрын
Well, looks like I was out without a life jacket the day before yesterday and our boat tripped badly. We walked past his affair partner on the street. I can't even describe what it did to me. My husband? Has fallen silent. For several minutes no word, no touch, nothing. At some point he asked me, "What do you think now?" I think I'm done with him. It was so bad for me that yesterday morning I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance for a suspected stroke because my speech was slurred and I had vertigo. He can stay married to his fears, obviously they are more important to him than anything else.
@evagompers709512 күн бұрын
Great advice and difficult to do!
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner11 күн бұрын
Thank you. And little is easy when it comes to healing.
@mfar301612 күн бұрын
Can you delve a bit more into the whole compartmentalization thing? I understand what the word means, I just don’t know why they do it, or what causes it or all the components.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner11 күн бұрын
@@mfar3016 I will try at some point 😊
@AnjString-ix7qp15 күн бұрын
This is the best advice I ever heard, I needed to hear this in my situation right now. Thank you Mr. Jay. for your motivational and inspirational advice for people who are going through marriage fall out like me. I've been a fan ever since I stumbled on your channel. God bless you.
@mfinol676216 күн бұрын
Amen to everything you said!! An emotionally healthy woman would never accept to be an AP, and settle for the broken pieces of a man's soul.
@bittehiereinfugen772317 күн бұрын
I stay with my husband because I still love him. And I understood that all of his cheating and the affair had nothing to do with me, but that he always loved me anyway. Nevertheless, he was always by my side and always there for me, his soul was always loyal to me. And even now, even on my darkest days, he is always there, always patient, loving and caring. Of course I wish he had never cheated. But perhaps for us it is a story with a happy ending, our story that binds us even stronger together. And a thousand thanks to people like you who help us to learn the right lessons from all this misery and to get our feet on solid ground again.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner16 күн бұрын
What an absolutely beautiful story. I often say though you may not have had your happily ever after, you can still have your happily even after. 😊❤😊
@bittehiereinfugen772316 күн бұрын
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Hey, I like “happily even after” 👍🏻 I could easily imagine that as a motto for my husband and myself!
@YeppersItsMe18 күн бұрын
My boyfriend cheated on me. I have been cheated on in the past but the betrayal of him was like nothing I have ever felt before. Now, I have so many triggers - primary and secondary. Ugh. I’m still with him because we have small children, but man…it’s so hard to pretend it’s all ok.
@Deb1072919 күн бұрын
This is very interesting and so informative . Thank you
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner18 күн бұрын
Thank you for watching.
@bittehiereinfugen772319 күн бұрын
Thank you so, so much! This is a very valuable task and I will do it. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to deal with the "normal" triggers so that at some point they no longer torment me and limit my life. There is an entire city that is a huge, painful trigger for me. That really sucks.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner18 күн бұрын
Ensure you are giving yourself the power of choice in ALL decisions in life big and small.
@bittehiereinfugen772318 күн бұрын
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Yes, it's really time for me to take my life back. My therapist is currently teaching me to finally be angry. That has brought... interesting results 😅 If I can finally be angry, the rest will definitely be easier for me. Maybe then I'll even find my self-esteem again. Thank you for your educational videos, they provide important inspiration and food for thought.
@evagompers709519 күн бұрын
My husband broke his vows when he served in Iraq 17 years ago. We were married for 30 years. We had just buried our 24 old son. He left his bereaved family to serve his country. He supposedly impregnated his 54 year old partner. My daughter read his emails to her for the next 2 years. He let her carry his disgusting secret all these years until he finally came clean to me 11 months ago. I am devastated and hurt beyond words. We are in counseling but it’s going to b a long journey of healing for me. I never thought he would be capable of such betrayal.
@evandegenfelder455419 күн бұрын
My D-Day was nearly 10 months ago. It is the hardest 10 months of my entire life. I too, never thought my husband capable of this kind of betrayal....30+ years.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner18 күн бұрын
Sounds like he too cannot believe he was capable. I am so very sorry for your profoundly hurtful journey. - Mr. Jay
@evandegenfelder455419 күн бұрын
I don't know if this is primary or secondary: Now, photos, any photos from "Before D-Day" make me either incredibly sad or even angry. I have photos on my phone taken just the day before D-day and when I see them, all I can think of is "that very morning my husband engaged in his betrayal (PMO) before we went out to work on that project". FB pushes 'memories' of posts in the past. Those ALWAYS upset me because the first thing I think is "when THAT photo was taken I didn't even know what was going on behind my back in my life". Then I'm overcome with anger and the feeling that I'm a complete and UTTER fool.
@gattacricri19 күн бұрын
I can relate to the photos: when I look at a pic of me a d husband smiling now that I know what he was doing, I feel like such a fool!
@Hey67Jude19 күн бұрын
Thank you.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner18 күн бұрын
Very welcome :)
@Gotoworkkk21 күн бұрын
It’s so hard not to. She’s younger than I am & a lot prettier… she lifts his spirits
@shala60421 күн бұрын
Wow, that was something I really needed to hear. Thank you for validating everything that I know is true and also will stand with me and acknowledge that the 3rd party is to blame as well as the betrayer. The only thing the other woman has is a lack of integrity.
@evandegenfelder455423 күн бұрын
What an interesting subject. It's one of the (many) things that I've come to realize has had a tremendous impact on our kids. When my husband became fully invested in his PMO addiction, it changed him completely. I knew, I sensed it. I saw it. I confronted him (are you having an affair?) He denied and deflected and gaslit me. All his behaviors changed, his entire personality; how he treated me, how he behaved around me AND the kids. Angry, sullen, tense and argumentative. I know now it was guilt and shame he felt over his actions. This is all knowledge gained since D-Day---amazing what hindsight will do. Our daughter has very serious issues with anxiety and depression. Did SHE know? Of course she knew SOMETHING was going on, something was very wrong, just like I did. I didn't realize until recently that it was because she and her brother picked up on EVERYTHING. Mr Jay is right. Don't allow your children to be collateral damage. Figure out a way to work through your problems and issues without doing it in front of your kids. (And if you sense a problem---get to the bottom of it, don't let it continue for years, or decades due to naivete, like I did)
Yes, thank you, that is helpful. Even though it doesn't correspond to the exercise you presented in this video, I personally also have a different approach to seeing my unfaithful husband. I see the sad, lonely and scared child that he was. That it was repeatedly rejected and passed around. That he learned early on that he wasn't good enough, that there must be something wrong with him. Who has only learned that all the people he loves leave him or hurt him deeply. That he may have been sexually abused (he has a very strange but incomplete memory of an event, but it is currently too unsafe to touch that memory). I understand this child because my childhood was almost identical. He couldn't help it. He just couldn't. I want to take the child that is somehow still alive within him in my arms, comfort him and prove to him that I will never abandon him. But this child will never be allowed to rule over my husband again. It has to learn that defiance is no longer necessary. I will only have the relationship with him as the adult he is. His inner child can and must now withdraw and learn that he was always good and absolutely lovable to me. I know, it sounds totally stupid.
@bittehiereinfugen772324 күн бұрын
Yes, I think I can confirm that for my husband. He himself says that when he thinks back to his actions now, he doesn't recognize himself in them at all. Fundamentally, these contradict his values. And that's why he's so ashamed. Crazy enough, after all the D-Days, my own memory is very badly affected now. I forget so so so much and it's harder than ever for me to remember names and faces. That's pretty stupid since I work as a nurse in a refugee camp. Sometimes I think it might be better to have a mini mental status test, and that thought is really scary.
@bittehiereinfugen772325 күн бұрын
Yes, I have already tried to explain it to one or the other in this way! My husband is a sex and porn addict, an affair and prostitutes came along at some point when porn was no longer enough (and the midlife crisis came along...). I don't see my husband as a bad person but as a sick person. He was always there for me, he was always by my side, he never treated me badly or unfairly. Of course there was a lack of empathy at some point - as is common with porn addiction - but I still love him more than anything. And the fact that he confessed everything to me (voluntarily, otherwise it wouldn't have come out) and is now doing a lot to become healthy and strong proves to me that his words that he loves me are true. Yes, it's hard and yes, trust doesn't grow on trees. But for me, my husband is a valuable person who deserves to be defined by more than just his addiction and his lousy decisions. I think that next time someone criticizes me because I decided to stay, they will get a crystal clear message from me. People are not disposable products that you throw away because they are no longer great and new.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner25 күн бұрын
100% Not to mention no one needs any explanation of any part of your marriage. You do you and let others do them. Now, because staying is a challenge, I would recommend you telling yourself that you are proud of yourself for staying. Other than that, you do you and do it proudly!!! - Mr. Jay :)
@bittehiereinfugen772325 күн бұрын
For damned ten month I got the truth in little Portions. And now I can't trust, that he finally told me all, I still suspect that there might be more.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner25 күн бұрын
It’s maddening, for sure. So sorry for your painful journey.
@bittehiereinfugen772325 күн бұрын
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Yes, it really is a journey, isn't it? In my better moments, I actually find it very interesting what new things are developing between my husband and me. I do think that some pain will remain, but a new and better life, with more sincere love, can develop. And the help from people like you is invaluable, thank you very much for that!
@Deb1072926 күн бұрын
That’s how it feels to heal slow steady pain .
@user-dm1xh6bz3i27 күн бұрын
So your having sex with your new spouse who you cheated with
@evandegenfelder455427 күн бұрын
We've learned a lot in the last 9 months since D-day; I now have a PHD in subjects that never crossed my mind before that day. How porn literally changes the brain structure, shrinks the prefrontal cortex and changes the sexual template of the addict. After a 30+ year obsession/compulsion/addiction to porn & PMO (all secret, of course) it completely destroyed how he viewed me, how he felt about me, how he related to me; ie, not at all. No love, no intimacy, no closeness. NOTHING. For decades. He developed ED--or should I say, PIED--that has taken months and months to begin to heal, after quitting porn. During our learning journey, we've come to realize how enmeshment (with his mother) kept him from growing up, becoming independent and having healthy separation from his family, his mother particularly. Enmeshment--and everything that comes with it--created a man unable to be an adult, respond to life's problems in an adult manner, without running away and escaping into a world of fantasy. I find it impossible to trust him, even knowing all this. Funny how betrayal changes everything.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner25 күн бұрын
💯 Betrayal changes everything.
@Surfsup44829 күн бұрын
Hi Jay! Great advice!
@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner28 күн бұрын
Why thank you 😊
@acedlcrz9801Ай бұрын
I love how you put new perspectives when it comes to infidelity without making it seem like you are justifying the act.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitionerАй бұрын
Thank you :)
@kashmirirose3733Ай бұрын
Yeah...FUNK THAT!
@evandegenfelder4554Ай бұрын
I am third of four: 1st son, 1st daughter, ME, Baby son. I know the feelings of not being heard--that really REALLY resonates with me. I wish I could hear your thoughts on enmeshment. My husband and I are--finally--getting to the bottom of the WHY of his betrayal. It is, without question, his enmeshment with his family, primarily his mom--first, but also with his father to a lesser extent. I saw it in the bizarre behaviors when I first met his family. It was 1983 and I knew something was badly wrong, I just didn't have the understanding nor verbiage to name it. He could not 'break away' from them and have an independent life and it caused havoc in our relationship from the very beginning. And by the time we were married 5 years (although I didn't know it) the betrayals began; subtle at first then full blown by 1993. I'm devastated at the loss of all those years and the love and intimacy we never really had.
@BetrayalTraumaPractitionerАй бұрын
Yeah, enmeshment is a whole other beast. At some point I will try and create a video :) - Mr. Jay
Пікірлер
Maybe not "instead" of telling them you care.... But "in addition to telling them you care". Some of us are starving to HEAR it with our own ears. 😔🙏 the avoidant will do things to show they care, but as a way to avoid saying it because they're uncomfortable. Funny because they were the ones that created this uncomfortable situation.... They shouldn't be allowed to avoid their discomfort. Just my 2c.
Yes, of course it is possible that what our partner said is true. On the other hand - we often know our partners very well, isn't it also possible that our interpretation corresponds to the truth and our partner is not telling the truth (to himself, the therapist, us)?
Beautiful thank you ❤
It's torture for me to know what type of woman my husband chose when he booked prostitutes. He was quite picky and was willing to pay their higher prices. They were young, extremely pretty Eastern European women, all similar in type. Yes, rationally I know that they were fantasies and that everything probably happened as part of my husband's addiction. But. Always this “but” in my head and heart. But what? Don't fantasies also express longings? Outwardly, I was never even remotely like what my husband bought there. Yes, I compare myself. Because I was always ugly and always overweight since I was a child, which increased as a result of my pregnancies. Yes, that haunts me, because “they” were worth the risk of losing me.
My deepest condolences for your loss, I wish you and your family from the bottom of my heart that you are all surrounded by people who hold and warm you. I don't have the words to adequately express how tragic I find it to lose a loved one so quickly and to be unable to do anything to prevent that person from simply being torn out of life. Yes. Why.
I'm surprised you didn't mention the question of the context it gets brought up in and whether it's actually pertinent. Like, if they're bringing up the affair when you forgot to cook dinner that seems unfair, but if they're bringing it up because you're about to travel for business again and that's when you cheated before, that makes perfect sense.
I find, for me some of those calming techniques are quite the opposite! music can be very triggering. Unfortunately, while I do love to read, it’s very difficult to concentrate or focus on the subject matter of the book. I’ve found my pet soothing, and will try the ice trick.
That’s pretty cruel to do to the affair partner. It’s another betrayal. She/he is suddenly tossed aside like a piece of trash. I used to think affair partners were trash. But the more I study the advice given on these channels, the more I see how little help, consideration, or human decency is given to them, especially long term affair partners who have fallen deeply in love. Some have been misled, some lied to. Some aren’t well, themselves, obviously. Yet the unfaithful spouse seems to owe them nothing after discovery. Nothing. No contact. No trauma there, eh? Humans are really cruel to one another.
Thank you...
This completely understandable in the case of the Jewish kids in wartime; that was unimaginable horror to deal with. My MIL doesn't have the Germans to blame for her overbearing/controlling/self aggrandizement and how those traits effected her interaction with her children, particularly her son.
@@evandegenfelder4554 💯
I had a dream last night and I dis like having them. I look at my phone and you are talking about dreams. 🤲🏽 My dreams are always of the other women . Last night the dream is she moved in next door and she was taunting me in my front lawn. Here I am! Most of my dream are of her and him . I am exhausted 🙏🏾
Sadly I've had a few clients where that exact thing has happened. Sounds like subconsciously she is violating your personal space. I would try and do your best to reclaim every area of your life that the AP stolen.
I have the same sort of dreams. My husband has had 3 affairs all with my friends. in my dream they are all taunting me or having sex infront of me, before DDay I kept dreaming that my mum was blatantly having an affair, she said my dad was boring and he said he was OK with it. I would scream and shout and call her terrible names. I also dreamt that my husband was having an affair with one of my friends as it turned out he was!!
@@annemariepallister9885predictive dream, wow.
Excellent tips, thanks a million! New weapons again to combat those annoying triggers 💪🏻 Ha, and then there are therapists like mine who told me yesterday that being cheated on isn't traumatizing, and that what I would perceive as a trigger I should just ignore and distract myself, for example by chewing gum.
Betrayal trauma differs from other traumas and if often the most devastating. - Mr. Jay
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Thank you, exactly that. I'm afraid I'll have to look for another therapist or I won't get the kind of help I need.
I have recently heard (again) a statement that I think fits the situation of betrayal: Hurt people....hurt people. A happy, emotionally/mentally healthy person would never hurt someone they love. But emotionally damaged people can. And do. After 10 months of trying hard to recover from the discovery of significant betrayal (30+ years of secrets and lies) and many months of reading/study, counseling, therapists/counselors videos (thank you Mr. Jay) we have begun to understand the reasons WHY. Parental/mother enmeshment and its horrific damage has nearly cost us our 42 year relationship--and a 40 year marriage. If you believe you or your partner are crippled by this, seek HELP. Don't wait.
100%
Do they even care though? That's the real question.
Now, almost a year after the last confession, I was in the hospital for two days last week for suspected stroke. Luckily it was just a confusional migraine (that's scary enough because I remember almost nothing). The day before we met my husband's ex-AP. And since yesterday I have a thrombosis in my leg 🙄 I also had bad itching and rashes for a year. This too much cortisol is really annoying. I want to be completely healthy again and I want my life back.
Keep prioritizing self-care and I pray you are both getting professional help.
Omg, since I'm acutely ill and have to go to a specialist, who unfortunately has his practice in the city where my husband cheated on me with prostitutes, I've been pondering over the last few hours how I can deal with the damn triggers. Because no matter which route I take, I always pass some places where he has been. I thought about how I could reframe the events and locations. Your question “why did this happen FOR me” clicked. It feels right. Thank you very, very much, from the bottom of my heart!
Yes.
This is great I understood everything , how do I get my husband to understand?
Have him watch this video and if he has any questions he can feel free to reach out to me :)
In my case, it wasnt that i got more news, days or weeks later. I uncovered more news cuz he was still seeing her & trying to protect their relationship.
Unfortunately common. And beyond hurtful.
No one should compare themselves to the other person. The other person is lying and saying anything to get the free sex. Once your gone so is the other person. Its all fake.
Thank you, this information is worth its weight in gold. I will work through the video piece by piece in a structured manner so that I can implement it in the best possible way for myself. What I noticed yesterday: I'm basically two people. One person is the betrayed wife who is struggling with the aftermath of the betrayal to get better, but currently still needs antidepressants because my brain chemistry is far too messed up to overcome the trauma. The other person is the nurse who is still good at dealing with stark emergency situations; In the refugee camp where I work, many emergencies happened yesterday, some at the same time, the worst being a child with an open skull fracture after falling out of a window. Since we are currently only two nurses, we really had to run from emergency to emergency (the building is huge) and sometimes had to switch back and forth between incidents that were happening at the same time. Nevertheless, I was able to regenerate well afterwards. Afterwards I was able to look after colleagues from other areas of work who were visibly shaken. And, many of our refugees are traumatized, so there were a few extra emergencies in the whole chaos because they were triggered themselves. While we were caring for the child, a woman had a psychogenic seizure because she thought it was her own child that fell out of the window. Trauma is a painful but interesting thing, honestly.
Thank u for talking about what no one else tells us will happen, and thats its normal. I really thought i was loosing my mind.
Totally unexpected, I just realized that Mario updated his favorite way to tackle ED and it's crazy! Although what he previously talked about was pretty decent, it was difficult to follow, I just go'ogled the latest by Mario Volpstein, it's so much simpler and potent now!
To anyone considering cheating: think beyond the tip of your nose. Do you really want to be the person who cheats on your partner? Can you still meet yourself afterwards without shame? Is cheating worth causing your partner pain and possibly losing him or her?
Well, looks like I was out without a life jacket the day before yesterday and our boat tripped badly. We walked past his affair partner on the street. I can't even describe what it did to me. My husband? Has fallen silent. For several minutes no word, no touch, nothing. At some point he asked me, "What do you think now?" I think I'm done with him. It was so bad for me that yesterday morning I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance for a suspected stroke because my speech was slurred and I had vertigo. He can stay married to his fears, obviously they are more important to him than anything else.
Great advice and difficult to do!
Thank you. And little is easy when it comes to healing.
Can you delve a bit more into the whole compartmentalization thing? I understand what the word means, I just don’t know why they do it, or what causes it or all the components.
@@mfar3016 I will try at some point 😊
This is the best advice I ever heard, I needed to hear this in my situation right now. Thank you Mr. Jay. for your motivational and inspirational advice for people who are going through marriage fall out like me. I've been a fan ever since I stumbled on your channel. God bless you.
Amen to everything you said!! An emotionally healthy woman would never accept to be an AP, and settle for the broken pieces of a man's soul.
I stay with my husband because I still love him. And I understood that all of his cheating and the affair had nothing to do with me, but that he always loved me anyway. Nevertheless, he was always by my side and always there for me, his soul was always loyal to me. And even now, even on my darkest days, he is always there, always patient, loving and caring. Of course I wish he had never cheated. But perhaps for us it is a story with a happy ending, our story that binds us even stronger together. And a thousand thanks to people like you who help us to learn the right lessons from all this misery and to get our feet on solid ground again.
What an absolutely beautiful story. I often say though you may not have had your happily ever after, you can still have your happily even after. 😊❤😊
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Hey, I like “happily even after” 👍🏻 I could easily imagine that as a motto for my husband and myself!
My boyfriend cheated on me. I have been cheated on in the past but the betrayal of him was like nothing I have ever felt before. Now, I have so many triggers - primary and secondary. Ugh. I’m still with him because we have small children, but man…it’s so hard to pretend it’s all ok.
This is very interesting and so informative . Thank you
Thank you for watching.
Thank you so, so much! This is a very valuable task and I will do it. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to deal with the "normal" triggers so that at some point they no longer torment me and limit my life. There is an entire city that is a huge, painful trigger for me. That really sucks.
Ensure you are giving yourself the power of choice in ALL decisions in life big and small.
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Yes, it's really time for me to take my life back. My therapist is currently teaching me to finally be angry. That has brought... interesting results 😅 If I can finally be angry, the rest will definitely be easier for me. Maybe then I'll even find my self-esteem again. Thank you for your educational videos, they provide important inspiration and food for thought.
My husband broke his vows when he served in Iraq 17 years ago. We were married for 30 years. We had just buried our 24 old son. He left his bereaved family to serve his country. He supposedly impregnated his 54 year old partner. My daughter read his emails to her for the next 2 years. He let her carry his disgusting secret all these years until he finally came clean to me 11 months ago. I am devastated and hurt beyond words. We are in counseling but it’s going to b a long journey of healing for me. I never thought he would be capable of such betrayal.
My D-Day was nearly 10 months ago. It is the hardest 10 months of my entire life. I too, never thought my husband capable of this kind of betrayal....30+ years.
Sounds like he too cannot believe he was capable. I am so very sorry for your profoundly hurtful journey. - Mr. Jay
I don't know if this is primary or secondary: Now, photos, any photos from "Before D-Day" make me either incredibly sad or even angry. I have photos on my phone taken just the day before D-day and when I see them, all I can think of is "that very morning my husband engaged in his betrayal (PMO) before we went out to work on that project". FB pushes 'memories' of posts in the past. Those ALWAYS upset me because the first thing I think is "when THAT photo was taken I didn't even know what was going on behind my back in my life". Then I'm overcome with anger and the feeling that I'm a complete and UTTER fool.
I can relate to the photos: when I look at a pic of me a d husband smiling now that I know what he was doing, I feel like such a fool!
Thank you.
Very welcome :)
It’s so hard not to. She’s younger than I am & a lot prettier… she lifts his spirits
Wow, that was something I really needed to hear. Thank you for validating everything that I know is true and also will stand with me and acknowledge that the 3rd party is to blame as well as the betrayer. The only thing the other woman has is a lack of integrity.
What an interesting subject. It's one of the (many) things that I've come to realize has had a tremendous impact on our kids. When my husband became fully invested in his PMO addiction, it changed him completely. I knew, I sensed it. I saw it. I confronted him (are you having an affair?) He denied and deflected and gaslit me. All his behaviors changed, his entire personality; how he treated me, how he behaved around me AND the kids. Angry, sullen, tense and argumentative. I know now it was guilt and shame he felt over his actions. This is all knowledge gained since D-Day---amazing what hindsight will do. Our daughter has very serious issues with anxiety and depression. Did SHE know? Of course she knew SOMETHING was going on, something was very wrong, just like I did. I didn't realize until recently that it was because she and her brother picked up on EVERYTHING. Mr Jay is right. Don't allow your children to be collateral damage. Figure out a way to work through your problems and issues without doing it in front of your kids. (And if you sense a problem---get to the bottom of it, don't let it continue for years, or decades due to naivete, like I did)
PMO?
@@papaske3375 Porn/masturbation/orgasm, ie, typical porn addiction behaviors.
Yes, thank you, that is helpful. Even though it doesn't correspond to the exercise you presented in this video, I personally also have a different approach to seeing my unfaithful husband. I see the sad, lonely and scared child that he was. That it was repeatedly rejected and passed around. That he learned early on that he wasn't good enough, that there must be something wrong with him. Who has only learned that all the people he loves leave him or hurt him deeply. That he may have been sexually abused (he has a very strange but incomplete memory of an event, but it is currently too unsafe to touch that memory). I understand this child because my childhood was almost identical. He couldn't help it. He just couldn't. I want to take the child that is somehow still alive within him in my arms, comfort him and prove to him that I will never abandon him. But this child will never be allowed to rule over my husband again. It has to learn that defiance is no longer necessary. I will only have the relationship with him as the adult he is. His inner child can and must now withdraw and learn that he was always good and absolutely lovable to me. I know, it sounds totally stupid.
Yes, I think I can confirm that for my husband. He himself says that when he thinks back to his actions now, he doesn't recognize himself in them at all. Fundamentally, these contradict his values. And that's why he's so ashamed. Crazy enough, after all the D-Days, my own memory is very badly affected now. I forget so so so much and it's harder than ever for me to remember names and faces. That's pretty stupid since I work as a nurse in a refugee camp. Sometimes I think it might be better to have a mini mental status test, and that thought is really scary.
Yes, I have already tried to explain it to one or the other in this way! My husband is a sex and porn addict, an affair and prostitutes came along at some point when porn was no longer enough (and the midlife crisis came along...). I don't see my husband as a bad person but as a sick person. He was always there for me, he was always by my side, he never treated me badly or unfairly. Of course there was a lack of empathy at some point - as is common with porn addiction - but I still love him more than anything. And the fact that he confessed everything to me (voluntarily, otherwise it wouldn't have come out) and is now doing a lot to become healthy and strong proves to me that his words that he loves me are true. Yes, it's hard and yes, trust doesn't grow on trees. But for me, my husband is a valuable person who deserves to be defined by more than just his addiction and his lousy decisions. I think that next time someone criticizes me because I decided to stay, they will get a crystal clear message from me. People are not disposable products that you throw away because they are no longer great and new.
100% Not to mention no one needs any explanation of any part of your marriage. You do you and let others do them. Now, because staying is a challenge, I would recommend you telling yourself that you are proud of yourself for staying. Other than that, you do you and do it proudly!!! - Mr. Jay :)
For damned ten month I got the truth in little Portions. And now I can't trust, that he finally told me all, I still suspect that there might be more.
It’s maddening, for sure. So sorry for your painful journey.
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Yes, it really is a journey, isn't it? In my better moments, I actually find it very interesting what new things are developing between my husband and me. I do think that some pain will remain, but a new and better life, with more sincere love, can develop. And the help from people like you is invaluable, thank you very much for that!
That’s how it feels to heal slow steady pain .
So your having sex with your new spouse who you cheated with
We've learned a lot in the last 9 months since D-day; I now have a PHD in subjects that never crossed my mind before that day. How porn literally changes the brain structure, shrinks the prefrontal cortex and changes the sexual template of the addict. After a 30+ year obsession/compulsion/addiction to porn & PMO (all secret, of course) it completely destroyed how he viewed me, how he felt about me, how he related to me; ie, not at all. No love, no intimacy, no closeness. NOTHING. For decades. He developed ED--or should I say, PIED--that has taken months and months to begin to heal, after quitting porn. During our learning journey, we've come to realize how enmeshment (with his mother) kept him from growing up, becoming independent and having healthy separation from his family, his mother particularly. Enmeshment--and everything that comes with it--created a man unable to be an adult, respond to life's problems in an adult manner, without running away and escaping into a world of fantasy. I find it impossible to trust him, even knowing all this. Funny how betrayal changes everything.
💯 Betrayal changes everything.
Hi Jay! Great advice!
Why thank you 😊
I love how you put new perspectives when it comes to infidelity without making it seem like you are justifying the act.
Thank you :)
Yeah...FUNK THAT!
I am third of four: 1st son, 1st daughter, ME, Baby son. I know the feelings of not being heard--that really REALLY resonates with me. I wish I could hear your thoughts on enmeshment. My husband and I are--finally--getting to the bottom of the WHY of his betrayal. It is, without question, his enmeshment with his family, primarily his mom--first, but also with his father to a lesser extent. I saw it in the bizarre behaviors when I first met his family. It was 1983 and I knew something was badly wrong, I just didn't have the understanding nor verbiage to name it. He could not 'break away' from them and have an independent life and it caused havoc in our relationship from the very beginning. And by the time we were married 5 years (although I didn't know it) the betrayals began; subtle at first then full blown by 1993. I'm devastated at the loss of all those years and the love and intimacy we never really had.
Yeah, enmeshment is a whole other beast. At some point I will try and create a video :) - Mr. Jay