My name is Alex Howard. I'm an author, therapist and entrepreneur with a passion for bold projects that help make the world a better place.
My KZread series and podcast, In Therapy with Alex Howard, is a first-of-its-kind series that places YOU directly in the therapy room. Join us each week as we follow every step of our brave participants' journeys, both in and outside of the therapy room. As well as the tools I give the participants in the sessions, I’ll also be sharing weekly tips to help guide you on your own path so that you can begin to unlock your true potential.
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Very calming and relaxing. 🙏
So I'm the anxious attachment style. I'm obsessive and people pleaser. But I don't know how to stop it😢
💚
Smoking has been the 1 consistent throughout my life. Huge battle it feels now i am attempting to stop it for love for myself and my body.
My has shown up as mental disorders (Bipolar, BPD, CPTSD, and ADD) and as cyclic angry outburst states that can last for hours
Thank you. So clear explanation ❤
Lonely sad and trapped. So relatable.
finally getting my head around this after years of suffering. there are people that cause issues like this
1:10 I feel you're missing a big piece here: If someone wants to help a man who needs help, first thing I would want that person to do is to honestly look at the relationship they have with this man: Are you the right person to help this man? What is your motivation for helping this man? Is it about his suffering? Is it about how uncomfortable his suffering makes you feel? Do you want to change him? If so, why? Does it have to be you who helps him? Or would you be ok with someone else helping him? I grew up in a narcissistic family. Much of what looks like or even tries to be helpful in interpersonal relationships fails or quite often backfires due to unrecognized behavior, communication and relationship patterns that are inherently destructive, objectifying, disparaging - based on a (possibly shared) fantasy. In this context an "attempt" to help or talk sense to a man who's unwell will likely make the man feel worse because the relationship pattern does not allow him to feel understood or seen and instead instrumentalizes his difficult life experience for the (probably unconscious) gain of the person "trying to help". I have only very rarely encountered someone wanting to help me who was not a) a partial cause of the problem (typically family), unable/unwilling to grasp my situation before wanting to change it.
So true. 💯
No, you are wrong... again. We can talk about anything. I can talk about me... well I don't feel feelings, otherwise I would talk. That would be the most easy thing in the world! I am not afraid of the truth; or at least not enough to hide it. So, I've been to MANY Therapists. And I found the problem! Therapist are Incompetent and Worthless! They just CAN'T help people who really suffer! It's easy to help a schoolgirl with no real problems. Yeah, of course, I want to kill myself, but I can't. That is the Biggest problem! F. you!
I think Im on therapist no. 7 and the first 6 were women that didn’t held a safe space ,met me or helped me. In fact I was retraumtized a few times in these sessions. Now I found a guy that uses NARM somatic trauma work that seems great. I also tried many other things over the years like healers, yoga, breathwork, meditation. My conclusion is it can be difficult to find a good competent therapist , you can waste a lot of time and money. Seen a lot of similar complaints on Reddit and Instagram. Also the male & female dynamic may be a problem in trauma work. I have been forced to do tons of research myself because nobody could help me. Clearly if you put in the work everything becomes apparent, but you still need a therapist to do some of the deep exploration. Also the somatic part and nervous system is super important. Body mind connection.
I joined a men's group in London almost 6 years ago and it utterly transformed my life, or rather, how I experience my life. I was so emotionally shut down and disregulated that, compared to the men around me, I couldn't even recognise or articulate why I was there, what my 'problem' was. Being in that group and listening to the other men share taught me so much. It was like learning a new language and then having a regular place to practice using it. Healing and transformation are by no means guaranteed, they often happen only when group work is combined with a lot of work outside the group space. But I've witnessed some astonishing transformation. The impact was so profound that I went on to train as a men's group facilitator myself. Sensing that this wasn't enough to overcome my core feelings of being an 'imposter' I decided to do some basic counselling training. As your video suggests, I found myself one of just two blokes surrounded by 15 women but more importantly I found that I was in my element. The training sparked a whole new level of passion in me for this work and it has been so helpful in my men's work facilitation. Until recently, well over 50% of the men who had approached me to ask about my therapeutic support group ended up not taking that difficult next step of deciding to join. And part of the reason is how I 'sold' the group to them. I spoke about the potential benefits and support that were waiting for them. But now I have a clearer understanding that for these men, entering a space where they can be vulnerable feels not so much like tentatively opening a door as taking a huge leap of faith, a leap into the frightening unknown. And what they need first and foremost is some sense, a felt sense, that they can trust me with their feelings and feel safe - safe enough - to visit some scary places. As I'm not someone who is widely known in this field, that usually requires a face-to-face meeting so they can sound me out and get a sense of whether they can trust me. @blurglide, I'm sorry to hear that you seem to have had a less than helpful experience with talking therapy. I found it a bit hit and miss myself, at least until I realised that it's an iterative process and what I get out of it is directly proportional to what I put in. For many men, the practical, shoulder-to-shoulder approach provides as much challenge and support as they feel able for, and having this available is certainly helping. When it comes to facing the deepest fears, pain and trauma, a consciously holding therapeutic space can offer much more.
Beautiful thx
this helped me so much thank you❤️🩹
The best therapist I had was a man. He used to be a Sannyassin (orange person) and he didn't sit in an office. He was super intuitive and believed in hugs. He was Dutch and was a natural at working with people.
My temperamental brother would never open up. Everything you say he sees as criticism and he thinks everyone is stupid except for him.
he's a narcissist. too bad this video supposes they don't exist.
Tuberculosis, in this day and age.....?
I was married to an emotionally absent man for 32 years! 😢
There's a group near me called 'Andy's Man Club' which has grown very quickly and is now nationwide and also online. It's a very informal non-clinical group where they're all just a regular bunch of blokes meeting up for a brew and a biscuit and open up to support each other. The key messages of their club are, "It's Okay To Talk." "You Don't Need To Man Up, Just Speak Up." One would expect they also have either a trained counsellor or therapist who also attends these group meetings. Perhaps that's something Alex could ask them...?
I feel like I don’t want to talk with my therapist, rather I want solutions, accountability or action steps, which then get followed up by therapist by asking: „Did you do it, if so, how was it?” For woman talking IS problem solving, for me it isn’t.
I like your style of working Alex
Sorry you have a negative view of therapy and perhaps this has been your experience! The relationship is so important. I have worked with many men and it has been extremely productive in my experience
Because most therapists absolutely suck for men. Women just want someone to listen to them complain, and that's what most therapists do. As a man, I want solutions, and you get little or none other than "try journaling" or "take some deep breaths", which you don't exactly have to pay a bunch of money and retraumatize yourself to do that. Telling my story would shake me for a week, and all I'd get is that, or nothing and just a "see you in a couple weeks". Most therapists are far LESS than worthless for most men. Go do a project with your hands and apply yourself is the best advice for men.
Damn. That’s concise.
Amen!! Finally the truth.
2 and 3
Alex have you had therapy yourself? Is this your experience of psychotherapy? I don’t agree with you at all and as a Therapist who has done my own deep personal work it was the therapeutic relationship that was essential. Be careful with criticising other therapies to boost your own work here.
❤ excellent
Wow You put it exactly in words what I was feeling- they emotionally push pull you, and so you dont feel respected as a person. They do the unexpected and so you feel as if you cannot understand what is going on. And you feel shame being around them, they dont make you feel positive & confident about yourself.
actually doing the work means to turn OFF the devices..and go into nature and / or deeper into ourselves
Mate, whilst what you say is true, you are way too up yourself.
Men always complain that I am emotionally distant . Yes i had no emotions whilst growing up but this drives men crazy with longing and I can't get rid of them. I just want to be in no relationships where i am expected to be emotionally there. I would rather have a robot or a stone or even an insect as a companion. It certainly is attractive to men for a woman to be emotionally absent.
absent = not there
And I burnt out from attracting emotionally absent 'friends' who end up abandoning... patterns are incredible. Thank you, and I"m sorry for the rude, ungrateful, internet addicted rudeness above.
Duh. All been said before bro.
"3 signs you have emotionally absent parents: #1 They weren't emotionally there for you..." :'D
I know right! You beat me to it, LOL!
Yeah! I don't know that my opinion is correct but, I think I became a better life coach when it stopped being part of my need to matter. When I got some kind of fulfillment from creating dependency, I was part of the problem, not the solution. My instincts tell me that your approach works with many people.
Stop seeing danger where there isn’t was helpful for me
I think it's always better to give tools so that people can live a better life without weekly therapy.
When my life is falling down around me and my “friend” tells me that maybe I should call a psychic I feel baffled and a bit sad and then I laugh because what was I expecting…presence?? I can reckon with reality and stop investing in and providing presence/quality attention and help to people who can’t reciprocate …once I see it. It’s so obvious but it takes unforeseen and difficult life circumstances to get some clarity about who is really there in heart and spirit capable of intimacy. So, I withdraw my trust and don’t express my true feelings about my disappointment in such a “friend”. This doesn’t make them a bad person but their limits are a real liability when I need someone to be genuinely supportive in time of real need. Building trust is what life is about…the glue we need to feel safe in the world and that doesn’t need to come from family. Finding those who are capable, curious and mostly kind is the true wealth in an unstable world. I realize that I have expectations and can go round in circles trusting and being let down. Coming from a background of ‘emotional absence’ I am reminded that I may be in denial about how I do myself which leads me to these expectations that I will find others who can provide it. Ways in which I am or continue to be emotionally absent to myself are key in feeling connected to life. Thanks for helping to redirect me back to where I can focus and do something about it. Subscribed!
...could it be all three, but done by three different persons, related to each other and myself?! Sudden changes in the body's immune function, is, for sure, a certain, recognisable sign ...and the cause could be feeling pushed and pulled, shamed and wronged... 😢
my trauma is in my eyes and i hate it as a man it makes me look like a bitch but its like my body doing it not my mind it’s sucks 🥲😅
BINGO! Oh shit.
Looking within for approval and validation. Shifting to Internal locus of control from external locus of control.Becoming aware of the feelings that arise at times. Being gentle with my self. Like a friendly scientist ask when I'm triggered what experience created this story. Is it true, is it happening now? Knowing and believing in myself. To notice when I am noticing feelings. To become this concious awareness and in time, it will become like riding a bike. Meditation.
Way too scripted and rehearsed. Not nice.
Disagree. The therapy relationship is paramount to helping me. A good therapist does not say or make me feel I'm broken BUT it's super important that they also recognised that is how I feel, dysfunctional and broken. I need the experience of consistent, well contai ed, unconditional positive regard, just because that's what was lacking in childhood. I need above all to be seen. I've gone from active suicidality to not being suicidal simply from a human interaction that showed me that: I flipped back from getting the opposite. I don't believe there are quick fixes when it was relationships that created the trauma. It's not a sign to me that my therapist is creating dependence, no good therapist should do that. The years I need in therapy are a sign of how deep the damage went. And yes, I've tried the quick fixes like EMDR. They only get me so far. The best trauma therapy is individualsed to the client. The moment you tell me you teach these regulation party tricks to everyone, I'm outta here. I'm hyper sensitive to copy and paste advice. That's the legacy of my childhood trauma. YMMV
Totally agree with this. I have been working for at least 15 years to get into a better space. Have tried therapeutic relationships, community group therapy, alternative medicine etc but nothing really worked. Each time these therapies failed I bought further into the story that I was broken and felt even more broken. Your course was the first that was truly helpful. Thank you so much for making this available and for all the information and support you make available.
Magic. Thank you!
As a daughter I don't understand how children think they have a right to determine what their parents should do with their money.
I do feel the three signs. The person is camouflaged that people think he is such a lovely one but I see him differently.