Chris Blundell | Ultranormal
Chris Blundell | Ultranormal
Hi! I'm Chris and I make videos about relationships, communication & ADHD.
I give no BS tips, strategies and tools to help you through your challenges, grow your relationships and master communication.
Thanks for stopping by!
- Chris
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Yeah, stopping to think by a moment, it seems pretty odd the idea that love between two people will be strengthened exclusively by demonstrating it (e.g., they could try to love themselves more by trying to be better people, like more compassionated or more truthful). Until where I know, creating reasons and bonds for each one in the couple to admire each other is a better solution. But actually I don't know if the book try to sell himself as a holy problem-solver in relationships. It seemed to be only a categorization of main possibilities of demonstrating love (which not necessarily would remain the same forever to a single person).
Absolutely, I think the current adoption of the Love Languages has drifted towards that, rather than it being the intent of the author.
Well balanced meal satiates. You have the favorite, the thing that stands out. And then you have all the others that are still good. Gottmans empirical count pf genuine postive encounters vs neg. Appreciation. Acceptance of appreciation. Little connectice "gifts" ("Its the thought that count".) There is no magic goju antioxidant berry. There is no magic LL. (And goin ghard on the "good spot" also isnt practical, haaaar)
Exactly this! 👆🏻 great point here. I love ice cream, but if I only ate ice cream day after day, and was only offered ice cream, I'd end up hating it. Or worse, I'd end up ONLY being able to appreciate ice cream and reject all other food. Getting what we *want* is nice, getting what we *need* may not feel as good in the moment, but is better in the long term. If someone wants words of affirmation and it's constantly given, then they can develop a habit of not being able to self-validate, etc...
👋🏻Hey y'all! Hope you enjoyed the vid! What do you think about the 5 Love Languages?!❓ 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE107& - Chris
👋🏻Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed this one! Let me know if you've felt disrespected in a relationship! ⚡⚡ 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE106& - Chris
Considering adhd symptoms do they find it hard or easy to cheat? Sorry if that’s an uneducated simple question
No ADHDer is ever the same, so I'm hesitant to speak to that directly. There are some small surveys that see a small increase in people with ADHD having sex outside of their relationship. The sample size for the survey was very small and the increase in chance was 10% for women and 5% for men. So it's hardly conclusive. Of course, there will also be people out there who have experienced being cheated on and will paint all men/all women/all ADHDers/all [insert label here] as cheaters. Ultimately understanding the roots of cheating is much more useful in order to prevent it, I made a video on that here: kzread.info/dash/bejne/aquKz7V_mtm7gbg.html
Always great insightful content Chris!
Thanks Stu! I appreciate that :)
Every couple needs to see this. Amazing video thank you
Thank you so much for the kind words! I hope it was helpful!
👋🏻👋🏻Hey y'all! Hope you enjoyed this one! Let me know your thoughts if you've struggled to be vulnerable! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE105& - Chris
Event coordinators wrong too, adhd can do very well with high stress high paced coordination jobs (me included)
Like I said in the video, I'm not saying it's impossible, just pointing out challenges and the reasons why. ADHDers can be successful at whatever they choose to!
Driving is not accurate!
Don't shoot the messenger! :) www.additudemag.com/adhd-driving-risks-research-safety/#:~:text=Drivers%20with%20ADHD%20experience%20more,crash%20than%20drivers%20without%20ADHD.&text=Adolescents%2C%20more%20than%20any%20other,risk%20for%20motor%20vehicle%20crashes.&text=Within%20this%20group%2C%20teen%20drivers,non%2DADHD%20peers%20of%20crashing.
Object consistency <- I think it’s important to use the correct language when talking about important issues like this. The symptoms that are often mislabeled as 'object permanence issues' can be more accurately described as difficulties with object constancy. More specifically emotional object consistency. Emotional object consistency is often associated with BPD and NPD but are conflated with traits that those conditions have that are not present in ADHD. People sometimes misuse the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' and compare it to object permanence, which isn’t really correct. 'Out of sight, out of mind' means that you soon forget about people or things that aren’t present for a period of time. People with ADHD do not have an impairment with object permanence. Even when tasks, items, or people are out of sight, we know that they still exist somewhere. We’re just less likely to maintain an active representation of it in our conscious awareness. The use of the term object permanence - in the context of ADHD - implies a severe dysregulation in fundamental cognitive abilities in ADHDers… which is not the case. I appreciate you making this video to bring this into the spotlight, it just would be helpful if you used the correct language, I feel it’s important.
Thanks for the comment, I've seen the phrase 'object constancy' used minimally, is that the phrase you're referring to (not trying to be pedantic on spelling, just want to ensure I'm talking about the same term). If so, I've not seen it used much in relation to ADHD, so I feel like the community/experts has yet to settle on a specific phrase that describes the process. The video was mainly to debunk the object permanence myth above all else, but I appreciate you raising awareness to more relevant terminology!
Everyone is different, even ADHDers, and with the right scaffolding and support, anyone with ADHD can do anything!
Of course! Exactly what I say in the video too 😀
I would never want a solution. There are definitely drawbacks, but some huge benefits when I can harness it. Someone with ADHD asked me why I don’t want to, “get out of my own head.” And I was like, “Get out? It’s fun in there.”
Lol, exactly! There's no 'fixing' ADHD. We can keep the ADHD part and keep growing ourselves around it. ADHD is only ever part of our identity.
👋🏻👋🏻Heya all! Hope this one was helpful! Let me know your thoughts on the 7 stages of a dying relationship! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE104& - Chris
I understand my wife better now. Took too long than it should have 💔 Will do better. Videos like these helps put me on that path ❤️🩹
That means so much! I'm so glad it helped. Keep growing! :)
Paralysis by analysis. I rarely get to a possible solution because of fear of failure….again. I’m done wasting time. Good stuff Chris. My question always is; why can’t I be my own best friend?
Thanks man! I'd say think of it this way: right now this very second, you have the choice to be the best friend to your future self. Not in 5 minutes, not in 30 minutes, right now! What can you do for future you NOW that will help future Stu? Once you start taking action on that, then soon you BECOME future Stu and start to see that past Stu can be a good friend. Keep paying it forward to future stu. :) But it always involves *action*, action verbs, action steps, getting UP and *doing*. Soon enough you'll develop the best relationship with yourself without even realizing it
If your partner is doing domestic chores, stop playing video games and HELP. That's the way to avoid resentment so you can both relax and have quality time. Don't wait to be asked multiple times, and then grudgingly comply in a huff like a sulky child 😅
Ha, well the specifics aren't as important as the communication and negotiation behind them. I've worked with couples where one partner finds doing the chores relaxing and calming, so it's never about the 'what' it's about the 'how'. Communicating and talking about it is the first step, then figuring out how to make those details work for you both. If a partner is resisting the idea of a duty it means: 1) it was agreed upon but specific weren't clearly defined (eg. they agreed, but timing wasn't specified) 2) It was agreed upon, but one partner begrudgingly agreed (they logically agreed but not emotionally) or 3) it wasn't agreed upon.
@@BeUltranormal There are a lot of men who expect to be waited upon. It's a deal breaker for a lot of women in particular, and it really is a simple matter of pulling your weight around the house as a responsible adult
@@Animalsonlywantkindness Who decides on what domestic chores need doing and when? If my housekeeping standards or abilities are less than a partner is it always their version that is the default that I have to try to meet? Or can adults sharing a space compromise? Also why is this a gendered thing? I’ve lived and worked with enough women to know that it’s a sexist myth that women are cleaner and tidier and never expect others to cater to them 🙄
@@bigbear3980 I'm glad you haven't experienced a domestic arrangement where one person does close to nothing and the other person has more than twice the workload and all the expenses without consenting or response to reasonable requests for discussion
Love to see informative videos like this. 👌🏿
Thanks so much! Appreciate you stopping by
Hey, maybe you can give me some tips. Im in a field i have no interest in. I have 4 years of experience in said field. At the moment i am unemployed but when i sit down to prepare for something i feel physically frustrated and unable to force myself to learn things. But, i dont have the luxury or moving to something i might be intersted in at the moment. Any idea what i could do ?
Obviously it's difficult to give tips without really fully working together, but the advice that I would give would be this: if your brain is trying to resist learning something, find out what it is that's blocking you: fear of failure, lack of information, etc... rather than simply trying to force your brain to overcome a hurdle you can't identify, try to identify the hurdle first. The second piece of advice I'd give you is rather than trying to take steps onto the long term career goal immediately, give yourself two goals: 1) Short term, what's the best way you can sustain yourself for the next 2-3 years while you work on the long term goal. Something that gives you the best amount of money that your brain can work with. Make that your 9-5 and strap yourself in for 2-3 years in that. 2) Long term: Look at what you are interested in (not something that's trendy or a fleeting interest, or something that other people think you should do, what do YOU want to do?) and figure out the steps you need to take to get there and start taking that first step immediately (could be buying a book on the subject, creating a 3 year realistic plan etc...), make this your 5-9. Strap yourself in for the next 2-3 years in that. The truth is that a lot of success is filled with boring crappy repetitive work, so for ADHDers brains we are very interest driven. So we're much more able to do the crappy boring repetitive work if we're interested in what we're doing. I write, film, edit & publish 4 long form videos a week, as well as actually running my coaching business. I used the same process to get to this point. There's a lot of repetitive, boring work involved in making videos, but the subject is what I *love* so it makes things a lot easier to get through when it's been a long draining day. Just take the first steps, and keep looking at the next step and the next step, eventually when you look behind you, you'll see that you've taken 365 steps and you're well underway on your journey. :) Let me know if that helps!
2:20 Painful truth :|
😪
👋🏻👋🏻Hey everyone! Hope you enjoyed the vid! Let me know your thoughts on relationship equality!🌓🌗 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE103& - Chris
The "perfect" thing is just around the corner, I know it XD
😂😬
I really like your videos, thank you for your guidance. Question: Does your “Relationship Bootcamp” include strategies, tools, etc. when a member of the relationship is an ADHD’er?
Hey, thanks so much for the comment! The Relationship Bootcamp doesn't specifically touch upon ADHD relationships but a high percentage of my relationship coaching clients are ADHDers (as am I!), so everything I do will always be ADHD-first :) Hope that answers your question
👋🏻Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed the video! Let me know your thoughts on ADHD advice! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE102& - Chris
I am the wife with a husband with adhd. He was diagnosed 3 years ago. I really do relate to what you have shared and it is very hard
It can be a challenge, but it's definitely something that can be overcome, it takes some effort to start turning the ship around, but it's totally doable :) Keep going!
the circle of blame always ruined my mental, mindset, not able to ackknowledge the problems, n ruined my past relationships back in the days. i was there n stuck for so long
It can be a hard cycle to get out of, that's for sure. First step is always recognizing it, next step is planning steps to address it. Great work in moving things forward, keep growing!
@@BeUltranormal indeed, most young people like myself always take a blame on everything, even blame myself for this and that. This toxic ego can slow the learning process 100% sure. not just about relationship with partner, it also effect selfgrowth, disapointments, other things in life. but hey i like your videos, its short but also easy to understand different points in relationship and self discovering. cheers man, keep making those videos
I really appreciate you saying that! I'll keep makin' em as long as they keep helping ppl. :) I appreciate your support!
👋🏻Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed the video! Let me know if you've been in a toxic relationship! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE101& - Chris
Great video
Thanks so much!
👋🏻Howdy y'all! Hope you enjoyed the video! Let me know your thoughts on building your Emotional Quotient! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE100& - Chris
Good stuff Chris! I really appreciate the paradox of control. Of course I’m right. I am the logical one in this relationship. I am the male. You are the female you operate on feelings I have the absolute perfect recall of what was said. Yeah. Right. I’ve screwed this up so many times I can’t even count. And given now that I realize that what I once thought was true, that I was good at self observation, I’m actually actually quite inept. It accurately seen myself and the impact it has on others. It seems tough, but I also appreciate just going with the emotional angle and then revisiting the nuts and bolts of what actually happened later. Fortunately, my last meet was all about the truth, no matter how bad it hurt. Certainly she has her issues as well and some deep trauma that she has and continues to address. This video has definitely moved to my save list and review later. Good work! Thx Chris!
Thanks!! Oftentimes the details of the past don't serve much purpose other than to validate ourselves. The focus on the future should always be key. :)
100 correct . Its a mind fu@$ daily . So frustrating
Hopefully you check out some of the other ADHD relationship videos I have on my channel too! Should help w the mind fu@$ a bit :)
Ive recently broken up with a guy with adhd. He initiated the break up over a disagreement we had whilst I stayed at his home. We'd had wonderful times swimming and visiting places together. I think little disagreements were big ones to him. I will remember the good times and did have feelings for him that I suppose will fade in time.
Yeah, I think that everyone has different subjects, values, moments that will have a bigger or smaller impacts depending on the life they've had. This is why it's so important to open the communication and build that connection. Wishing you all the best on your journey, whether it's pursuing reconciliation or choosing a different path!
What if the shoe is on the other foot? How do you rebuild trust with someone you don't feel you can trust?
Yeah , if you’re a guy, trust, loyalty, and appreciation are the things we tend to value most. Give us that and we will walk to the end of the earth for you. But when somebody has been in an active affair and they’ve been lying about where they are and who they are with, and manipulating and coming home and giving you a kiss and saying that everything is fine. That is an awful lot to ask us to go against what we value the most. Once trust is broken, there is always that niggling thought, things that were never suspicious before, are all coming back red flags, “Why are they late, again. Work, hunh? “Oh god not another long business trip with her co workers.” “She is spending more time texting on her phone than watching the movie.” “Wow, she’s really become a gym rat.” Again, much easier if the guy has cheated, and the woman does want him back for a myriad of reasons, like financial, a roof over her head, feeling protected and provided for which are to the big things for women. Sorry Chris, a lot of wonderful relational theory for the theoretical world. Way too many variables to consider. A million of them at least. The going advice on men’s channels like, SSM and, “They Did What?” Are filled with horror stories where no nuance is possible given the heightened emotions of both parties make it impossible to approach things rationally. Is this the real person, begging for me back? Or just another manipulation and lie, because they have a place to stay and I’m the stable beta male, she disdained for something more exciting. The common advice is to, “Kick them to the curb. Once a ‘hoe’ always a hoe.” Exact quotes. I definitely think it is easier for woman to forgive men who have betrayed them. It hurts and trust is broken, but they are more willing to heal the relationship. And that, I think comes down to the way that men are wired differently. Again, a great blueprint for Healing, in the theoretical and it has value for healing smaller betrayals, Like not being available for her when I said I would or meeting her somewhere at a certain time and certain place. Thx Chris, God I am so grateful I can ramble with my impulsive inattentive mind here!😜
Great question! I'll do a longer video on this in the future, but ultimately trust begets trust. If you lead with trust, encourage autonomy and build an environment of safety then any and all problems can be overcome
👋🏻Hiya all! Hope you enjoyed this video! Let me know your experience on rebuilding trust after an affair! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE099& - Chris
👋🏻Heya y'all! Hope you enjoyed the video! Let me know your thoughts on the 3 ADHD relationship traps! 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE098& - Chris
My marriage is over because we both didn't realise we were neuro divergent. Complete mess!
Once you identify your blind spots that's where the real work starts and things can head in the right direction! I've worked with many members who have a diagnosis mid separation and turned things around. Keep growing!
@@BeUltranormal he's already been with another person for 7 months and we're close to the end of divorce proceedings but thank you
I need to watch this about 3 more times so it will sink in. This was possibly our biggest weakness
Great work to identify that, building that self awareness is really crucial
I thought (being a logical person) that if I could just explain my feelings well enough then he would have an “aha” moment and everything would be great after that lol. He got so overwhelmed by me talking about my feelings all the time that he labeled me as overly emotional and never looked at his own actions that started the problem in the first place
Yeah explaining feelings feels like a natural thing to do, but it rarely has the effect we want it to 😓
@@BeUltranormalwonder what it feels like to the other person
He has ADHD and he ended our relationship because of fear.should i contact him and talk about it or I should just leave him.He told me he likes me so much before he ended it.we in no contact for 10 days now
I always believe that relationships have their best chance if you're willing to change your actions and start approaching things differently. "You can't approach a problem with the same thinking that caused it" So if you're wanting to get back in contact, I'd suggest to look at how you've approached things in the past, identify where you could improve and then approach things in a different way
Trying not to fall for confirmation bias. Do you know if this pattern can emerge without ADHD? My therapist thinks I’m more towards Autism but my wife thinks I might have ADD + she confirms this pattern 110% 😅 For some time I’ve been thinking if I have both Autism and ADHD (AuDHD?) but watching any videos (about Autism or ADHD) that go into the symptoms I don’t feel connected anymore. And because of the disconnection I’m very sceptical if I could get any diagnosis (Autism nor ADHD). So is it no ADHD coaching, no medication, and no neurodivergent therapy for me? 😢
This pattern can emerge without ADHD, for sure. I always encourage seeking a diagnosis so you have the option for medication and potential support for any diagnosis. I'd always suggest coaching as helpful. I have coached clients without an official ADHD diagnosis in both ADHD symptoms and relationships. So I'd definitely say to keep seeking support, keep putting in the work to grow more and achieving your goals.
Me and my girlfriend have ADHD. She suddenly said she was unhappy and I feel like I'm losing her. I feel helpless.
If your partner says they're unhappy it can feel scary, but this is actually a *good* thing! This means that they believe things can change. A lot of my members heard the same thing (some even went through breakups) and have turned their relationship around. Take a look at my video on "I love you but I'm not in love with you" for a little more info or sign up for my boot camp for a deeper dive
@@BeUltranormal She unfortunately doesn't believe things can change. She doesn't believe people can fall back in love with each other and broke up with me. 3 years and 9 months of being together and she won't even try to fix things. None of the problems she listed were major or unfixable but she thinks people don't fall out of love when it's true love (i.e. we don't have true love in her eyes).
@@Alassandros I've seen this exact scenario many many times before! Partners don't believe someone can change and then when the other partner stops trying to change then they're proven right! Take a look at this video: kzread.info/dash/bejne/d32fx6aoYJbfhNo.html and this video too kzread.info/dash/bejne/h6x-2dJtdMfepLw.html
Thank you for these recipes for effective communication
Thanks for stopping by!
I'm the parent of my ADHD partner and I'm completely burnt out. I got so sick I'm worried I've lost my pregnancy. He STILL wouldn't get up to get our toddler ready this morning. I'm taking on so much that he now thinks washing the dishes, hoovering and changing the cat litter is doing his fair share. I planned an entire trip to his family home and not only did he not appreciate it, he blew up at me because he didn't do the one thing he needed to do for us to leave in good time. I feel hopeless.
It can be challenging at times that's for sure. It takes a while to turn things around and cultivate the relationship into an equitable one. The one thing that I would recommend is to keep communication open, don't expect overnight results and make sure that you're focusing on building systems
As someone that was just recently diagnosed with Adult ADHD and is trying to grow my KZread channel. I definitely struggle with follow through lol and instant gratification sometimes gets in the way of me posting consistently
I hear you on that! Keep pushing through!! ⚡️
My experience ADHD makes having a relationship none existing. Like it's not humanly possible. Nobody can "Deal with me" I'm simply unlovable because of this dumb mental illness even getting treatment and being on meds and I'm still never good enough for anyone.
You're good enough, believe me😘its just a little more difficult.
I've felt that way before too, like we'll always fail at relationships. I think that once we start to get an understanding of how relationships work, we can increase our chances at success. It takes time but put in the work to grow and you'll start to see the results. ADHD can make things challenging in some aspects but way better in other aspects. :)
I work full-time am 8 weeks pregnant and have a toddler with my (undiagnosed due to NHS underfunding) ADHD partner who is seemingly doing nothing to manage his symptoms. I feel like a glutton for punishment. I guess we can't help who we fall in love with.
We can't help who we fall in love with, that's for sure. But we can help how we cultivate the relationship! That's where we turn things around :)
Great video! My partner will procrastinate. Decision paralysis! If I say anything to my partner about completing tasks then he says I am a NAG! I left the house a few days ago to run errands-I was gone for 3 hours. Before I left I asked him to do ONE thing. I even said "I will be so happy when I return if you have done this one task". Did he do it? NO. I returned and he was writing an email to his sister. When I asked him did he do what I asked he said "no but I am going to". I said " WHEN? I was gone 3 hours!" He then went on to say he HAD to write the email to his sister. Nonsense. Doesn't take 3 hours to write an email. He is a grown man and I can not force him to stop procrastinating! Or do anything else! Yes he is "reliably UNreliable". I do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning up. I feel like I am his mother.
Managing ADHD is usually a matter of managing environment. Simply asking an ADHDer to do something and then expecting it to be done is setting them up to fail. Systems and environment need to be setup in order to promote success. Then if those systems fail, blame the system not the person. Then iterate.
@@BeUltranormal systems in place? what? I asked him to do ONE thing and had he attempted it, it would have been done in 10 minutes or less. in 3 hours he didn't even attempt. I am at my wits end. he is 63 not 12. I feel like I am the mother of a man sized CHILD.
@@shelleycharlesworth5177 I get the frustration and how seemingly simple it seems from the outside in, it can feel like your partner doesn't car/is lazy/is making excuses. So I get that. Ultimately if the current way isn't working, understanding the way ADHD works and figuring out systems that get things done is going to be more effective than simply asking, blaming and failing. I made a deeper dive video on that here: kzread.info/dash/bejne/i4d42JikYLyfnbw.html
@@BeUltranormal I will watch thank you. He has made an appt with a psychiatrist Aug 20 to be evaluated for ADHD.
👋🏻Hiya all! Hope you enjoyed today's vid! Have you ever thought of couples counseling? 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE097& - Chris