Sam’s Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery’s most prominent and renowned influencers and KZreadrs. For over 15 years Samuel has been one of the leading content generators for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma’s founding fathers, clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and most recent project, Ask the Unfaithful Podcast, Samuel continues to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair.
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Another great podcast. It's great to see Amanda again. Hope you guys are able to do something together again.
Wow! So helpful!!
Sam, as a betrayed spouse, I have to say I'm honestly shocked that you've gotten feedback suggesting you're too generous to the unfaithful! I've been watching all of your content for months, going all the way back to the Marriage Recovery Center, and I've personally always appreciated how blatant and direct you've been holding the unfaithful accountable, not allowing anything they're genuinely struggling with to negate the responsibility they have to manage it.
Solid video w great learnings. What I feel is isn’t usually what is real. Slow everything down. Make rational and healthy decisions.
Eventhough it was obvious that my wifes infidelities were part of larger mental health issues brewing in her for a long time it stll took me years to have some internal peace over everything. I really believe her getting treatment and making progress on those underlying issues and learning coping skills was the key. I had to let that happen and find my own way to come to terms.
It's been nearly 4 years & he has done all the work, unfortunately i am still ambivalent & feel that I have no reserves left or emotional ties. I'm hanging in there, but I'm not sure why!!
Me too. It's been 2 years for me
Sam , what’s your email or how do I get in touch ?
hi there. you're welcome to email me at [email protected]
I'm leaving my unfaithful because it's been a year and we never got to a reason why besides "I don't know" and "it just happened" from both my SO and the AP who was my cousin. I'm DONE, I need to be at peace and happy! Love all your work, Sam ❤
I so get that. You’ve given it a year. You deserve to move forward and find happiness and joy again. Honestly, I really wonder why someone would stay with their betrayer and have to look at him/her every day. It’s the deepest form of betrayal. It seems toxic to stay. But that’s just me. Wishing you a wonderful future!
Hello Sam, My name is Vince, 2024 is 40 years together with my wife, MaryLynn. I am the underfuctioning betrayer, frozen by childhood trauma and desperately seeking guidance in reconciliation with my wife. This is my first attempt to find professional support "on line", local counseling is limited with long waiting and skeptical of what is available. Reaching for help. Thank you, Vince Williams
Hi Vince. Please email me at [email protected] and we'll talk about next steps. So glad you reached out.
You guys are such a God send! Im really grateful that you pour your time , heart & soul into betrayal & betrayal trauma! May God bless you all.
Great, great, great video from two straight shooters. Thank you. Some of my take-aways: 1. Not knowing myself is how I got here - I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I know I became disconnected with myself (not an excuse)…in some way telling myself I was still a good guy 2. Totality of my blind spots - Blindspot are ugly and dangerous. We need others to be able to see the things that we can’t. 3. Unfaithful gaslight themselves - how true is this! It’s often said that we betray ourselves before we betray another and I believe that’s true. in my own story, I had to lie to myself, make myself believe things that eventually would allow me to take some pretty damaging actions. 4. We come to realizations w work and contemplation - that takes time. In my own journey, gaining an understanding of my ‘why’ - took longer longer than I originally expected it would and it most definitely changed overtime. Sam said it well.
Thanks for sharing. May I ask how long it took, and how did it change over time?
You mentioned that the unfaithful can get stuck in a multi year affair because they don’t know how to get out. Could you speak more about this dynamic?
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Thank you, lots of good things to think about and learn!
thanks so much for the kind words.
My unfaithful spouse told his friends that he can do what he wants. 😔
I'm terribly sorry. I think it's then that you have to ask yourself, why am I allowing this and why am I allowing him to dictate what the relationship looks like and why do I allows this from him?
@@samshealingpodcastacknowledged 🙏🏻
Thanks for this podcast. We are 22 months from D day and almost a year from disclosure day. I have thankfully reached homeostasis. I agree that it takes time. My concern is that my husband still doesn't know why he had his affair. That is why we are still separated. My husband also has some past trauma that he has not been able to face. How could I find a therapist like Amanda to get additional help?
Send her an email. They will help you find the right help.
what part of the country are you in? I have a couple ideas so please send me an email at [email protected] and we can talk through suggestions.
My husband’s why changed multiple times throughout the first year and a half. Initially it was “to get his needs met” which is a blanket statement that ALL unfaithful can say. It infuriated me because it sounded like an excuse not a reason. He couldn’t tell me what those needs were. I said it’s time for a therapist to do your family of origin work. Then it changed to childhood wounds, he needed to be seen a certain way, he needed to be accepted and approval. When his therapist dug deeper he discovered he was looking for that mother hunger. The unconditional love he never got from His mom. And the AP was able to give that to him because of her role in his life. It filled his void where he lacked his self worth, self love and esteem. I told him in family therapy that I believed I could help him with what I saw in him. He accepted. I told him that I didn’t think he liked himself, in fact I believe that he didn’t love himself. He said that was when he began to gain clarity about himself. And yes, he gaslighted himself. The stories he told himself about me, our kids, family and friends was so distorted and far from truth. It’s really sad to see the person whom you’ve given the most love, trust and support choose self destructive behaviors when acting outside of their own values. Toxic shame. Shame will lead you to cheat and it will continue to reinforce it. It’s a shame addiction in a sense.
He once told me the why was "because I can" - not could, but can. I don't know what to do with that.
To me that's an inflammatory statement that is unacceptable. Have you asked yourself why you feel that's ok? Have you considered that that statement communicates massive disrespect and disregard for you?
Wow….I hope you walk away and never look back. That’s beyond horrible.
Yayyyy! So good to see you Amanda. You’ve been missed.
My unfaithful partner has been acting out in some form or fashion for our entire marriage and lying about anything and everything since before we even married. If I were able to somehow add up percentages of time spent living as one self vs the other "shadow" self, it would be heavily weighted to the "shadow" version. Part of my healing and growth is to understand and acknowledge that he has been more comfortable and authentic as the secret/hidden self.
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much gaslighting. I understand this pain and suffering from my 24 yrs w now former husband. He annihilated our lives and our family. It’s very sad he wouldn’t do the work.
Isn’t it about being aware of it even in the first place and how much someone can allow it to rule their life. Like every response, every thought comes from it but without any awareness of it and having lived in it for so long, anything outside of that just isn’t recognised like a computer program almost. Shame strips a person of their humanity! Of their depth and ability to have any depth. When it’s allowed to flood someone’s life, that becomes their persona.
All of this…this last segment was the most important message for me. Amanda told me from the beginning this and it’s so hard to grasp but 2.5 years into this if I could ever help anyone with the begining of this is learn what self care is and help get yourself regulated I was so dysregulated for most of my life it was normal to be in that state for me and then when this bomb blew us up self care was a foreign concept to me. It lengthened that chaos for me and for both of us. The CPTSD is still here and always will be I now accept that and the part that has played in my life and marriage and those flashbacks are getting easier to recognize and the recovery time is shorter in comparison to what they were as I have learned how to use my tool box of self care. It’s a long road but we are still here standing and learning. Thank you both for all of these reminders today.
Getting there. Thank you Sam n Amanda and Thank you teeryan I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Still standing on the titanic but it hasn't broke apart yet.
1. Create a safe environment for your child, cant take pain away but be there for them during the pain 2. Confer with your inner child when your child is hurting (what would you want to hear as a child) 3. Be curious Ask questions allow the child to be transparent 4. Monitor your inner critic 5. Choose your battles 6. Mistakes are opportunities to learn. let them fail learn from mistakes 7. Celebrate their victories. I am proud you worked so hard
Thank you, Jordan, for sharing. It is difficult as a betrayed male, especially when your spouse is unwilling to be empathetic
Thank you Samuel for continuing on with your words of healing and explanations of all things for the betrayed and offender. 2+ years into this mess and I’m finally coming out of the darkness after finding out my husband had a secret texting relationship with a divorced woman at church. I didn’t realize how many families she had caused to disappear from our church until I found out my husband was one of her prey. Proverbs 5-6-7. Thankfully it was texting only, I’m 100% sure on that. He didn’t have enough money for her. Her goal as a narcissist was to just mess people up and she did a good job of it. She made the mistake of sending a message late at night and I’m the one that heard the relentless message alert and found the messages. I never messed with his phone but that night she sent two pictures and I was so tired I just kept swiping and tapping and there it was, a picture of a letter she was sending to “men at church” and then I saw all the text above it, for 9 years. For 9 years she dug her claws into him emotionally. He acts all dumb and innocent, that’s just because he is selfish. For years, He checked his phone in the middle of the night, every night, it stays on his desk in the LR. First thing in the morning he would always check his phone. I just figured it is the world today but it wasn’t, it was him always checking on a message from her. He doesn’t do this anymore. Took about 12 months for him to become disconnected from this daily/nightly process. I guess the limerence wore off. Now we are just going through the daily grind of moving ahead. Church has become a very unsafe place for me even though we left that church about 2 1/2 years ago, after many years there. I believe we left because he wanted to get away from her but had no guts to do it. What I have learned: We will never do ministries separately ever again. I trust no one at church. He is on notice that when I see a women like that again (we (wives after this issue) know who they are) I will tell her to stay away from my husband. I will let him know I took care of it. He doesn’t have the courage to handle these situations but I now do, so I will. This is crazy at 60 years old and 40 years married I am dealing with his stupidity and selfishness. That sounds old but we healthy active, stable people but busy with a business. Is there something about running a business that messes men up? Is it the stress that gets to them?
Beautiful break down thank you very much
Soooooo good!!
I simply had to comment on this video. My husband and I are 8 months (and one week) past D-day when I found out about his secret sex life. For more than 30 years of our 39 year marriage he was hooked on/addicted to? porn and masturbation. How does anyone keep a secret like that for that many decades? The last 8 months have been pure hell on earth. I've earned and unwanted PHD in sexual addiction, PMO, sexual templates, porn and how it effects every facet of the user's life--as well as those around them. I have learned that the man I have adored for 42 years can lie right to me while tears are streaming down my face. We've come to realize that he was sexualized early and was badly (BADLY) enmeshed with his parents, specifically his mother. Our lives have been brutally ruined by the effects of enmeshment, and how they caused him to believe himself to be a "Failure", "Incompetent", "A Fraud", "Not Enough" etc, etc. etc. I am crushed by the betrayal and he if full of shame, regret, guilt and can't seem to move out of it. I found him a good therapist (thank goodness) but because where we live there are no Betrayal Trauma therapists for me. I'm struggling. I'm full of anger, I cannot trust him, however, but can't stand to see him so full of shame and guilt and know that all of this can truly be laid at the feet of his parents.
‘If only’ these were the words spoken to me…what I would have given. Thank you for honoring the betrayed and not shaming the unfaithful. A very good message.
Great message!! Feels so true based on my own experience. Highly recommend everyone send this to their friends who are making their way through the recovery journey. Keep up the fight for your healing!
Both were amazing I hope that people can realize that they are not alone in this because it does feel very lonely. Once you connect with a group or community of men and women who are walking or have been down this path you can see that and the support is priceless for you both. Infidelity is a lonely isolating place when that trauma hits. It’s hard it’s painful but it’s possible to heal. I am so grateful for your content.
Love love love- if you choose to disrespect me by ignoring my pain….thank you!
She’s great thank you!
Thanks for some really useful, helpful and needed information. Much appreciated.
I have just watched this. This could not have come at a better time than my recovery.
Thank you for this! Please do a podcast on the drama triangle if you can. And maybe on DARVO..?
I just started reading this book a week ago
Goodmorning! I just came across this one podcast even though I've watched many.. Husband and I are 8 months into discovering his affair( this was the second time within the last 15 years). Everything he says seems to be talking from his heart and alot has change in our relationship for the better I feel but he has no interest in any therapy or coaching of any kind. We have been married almost 41 years and I'm so afraid of it happening again. And I don't want to throw it all away at this this point in our lives. All I can do is pray for us to continue down this path until we are called home.🙏 Thank you for all that you share...it has helped me cope in situations more then you know.
Thank you, Jordan and Sam I am a betrayed male and this is terrible and I have felt alone and the hurt is undescribable
Great episode.
Hey Sam! This is something similar that is going on in my life and I wanted to reach out to you personally more in depth
Sure, you can email me at [email protected]
Great interview.
Love these videos. Nothing but motivation, guidance, and messages of the power we have when we choose to exercise it. Channel that inner warrior and evolve into the person you deserve to become. Thx Sam
Whew! I opening on so many levels.
This video is under appreciated, it's so good. Thanks for sharing Sam!
thanks so much. it was a little long so i think i lost some people. your compliment means a ton though so thank you so much.
Wow! Thank you Sam. This message cam just at the right time and I was sure to thank God for everything that He’s brought me through to be here today
so glad the video helped. thank you for leaving a comment and encouraging me.
Love this podcast. Really enjoyed the part about regressed people are afraid to ask for what they want. Great learnings w that. Thx Sam!!!
thanks for watching and leaving a comment. means a ton.
Immaturity traits at 6.30 5 Signs of maturity at 29.50 Thank you for your time on trying to help us becoming better in ourselves
Sam, What about us Men who have been betrayed? I had been dealing with ED before her betrayal, I had just started to overcome my ED when she decided to betray me with a man she had only met once. Now I feel like I am not a man anymore. even though she sad that was not the reason I can't help but think that was a big part in her betrayal.
it's awful. I work very hard to help the betrayed male and I get it totally. It's possible to heal and it's more than possible to heal the ED. What help are you getting for the betrayal trauma? If easier you can email me at [email protected]
I’m in week 4 of harboring hope and starting ems online on the 23rd
She’s in the hope for healing. Still not seeing much in the way of empathy remorse regret.
Oh and doing EMDR with the VA… yeah, it really really stinks but all the money spent on just getting PHP and IOP and the three courses and being on FMLA since late December really takes its toll.
I guess I be reading this next 😊
it's a great read it really is.
Good to see you again, Samuel! I stumbled across your “Ask The Unfaithful” videos today and then this one! I’d been listening to your weekly videos on Affair Recovery since 2018 grasping for some clarity on how to recover from finding out that I’d been betrayed by my husband after 29 years of marriage. You helped me a lot. I don’t think I would’ve been able to keep my sanity if not for you and Affair Recovery. Then, you were gone and even though I asked, I never got an answer as to your disappearance/departure. I’m glad to have found you! This video is so spot on as to why my husband and I are still struggling to have productive conversations and after 6 more years, haven’t been able to move forward! He’s only interested in defending himself or trying to convince me that he’s changing. But his behaviors don’t match his words. He’s very frustrated that I don’t trust him or feel safe with him and won’t “just get over it.” Our far and few needed conversations about “the elephant in the room”, just goes into circular patterns that resolve nothing. He seems to have no interest in my feelings, my healing or anything I say that refers to the damage he inflicted on me. He shuts it down saying it’s in the past and why can’t I forgive him and let it go? “I said I was sorry!” When I bring up words like, remorse, repair, restitution, humility or compassion, he looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language and then deflects the topic to something else. I end up feeling unheard, blamed and dismissed. Even saying that to him doesn’t bring any change of attitude or willingness to consider that he isn’t willing to learn a better way to show up! He doesn’t ask me any questions because he says he already knows what I’m going to say. In the movie, AVATAR, Neytiri’s mother comes up to Sully, looks him over and says, “It’s hard to fill a cup that’s already full.” Which of course means he’s full of himself and unwilling to learn and therefore can’t be taught. Or as you put it, you had to be right! There’s no communication that can be productive with that mindset. There’s no reconnecting. No progress. At this point, I’m pretty much convinced that he’s a narcissist and I’m on the road to divorce. Would a new mindset be helpful? Would an actual interest in hearing what your poor victim feels about your infidelity and what the complete destruction of her life has done to her? Would actually trying to feel her pain that you caused help her heal? Would showing up with a tender heart and compassion help her to feel safer? The answers to these are all, a resounding yes! Anything else is just manipulation! We’re now in our 35th year of “marriage” and nothing I’ve done has made any difference. Not counseling, classes, courses, retreats, videos, books or the much needed conversations that rarely happen, nothing has changed his heart. Mine has changed. I don’t believe he loves me. I don’t believe I ever really knew him at all. I don’t have any hope for anything to improve. I don’t believe I will ever know the truth in full. I stayed, looking for a reason to stay. There isn’t one.
Yes!!! Home run of an interview. So relatable. Thanks Sam!!
thank YOU. means so much to read that.