Welcome to my channel!
As a former avoidant and now an expert in relationships, I delve deep into attachment-related topics. I firmly believe that breakups are some of life's most transformative experiences. My mission? To guide you in harnessing the lessons from these emotional journeys and help you grow stronger, wiser, and more connected. Subscribe and embark on this journey of understanding and healing with me. 💔➡️❤️
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I broke up with him first as I did not know about avoidants but grovelled back after less than one day. Then he broke up with me 2 days later. Will he come back after no contact? Altho we are also ldr :c
Il est francophone cet accent non? T'as lu 'Attached" de Amir Levine et Rachel heller? Je m'en suis servi pour identifier les problèmes que j'avais avec une femme. J'avais décidé d'arrêter de lui parler et 4 ans après elle m'écrivait encore donc j'ai essayé de lui donner une Xième chance mais bien sûr rien n'avait changé sauf au début, tout est toujours tonique puis ça fade et ça finit par mourir. Je pense pas que ce livre soit la recette miracle mais elle était à genre 23/25 en avoidance et c'est encore pire quand la personne a en plus un problème d'ego
Well said Alex, this explains everything with an avoidant!
I am laughing at this. So much slack and excuses made for avoidants. Everyone is supposed to walk on hot coals for them and get help for their problems trying to cope with this type of behavior in a person. I had a terrible childhood, but i don't mistreat people who I choose to be in a relationship with. And...he was old enough to know that if he historically was NEVER able to walk into or maintain a permanent relationship with anyone that this is a huge red flag! I am not anxious in a relationship normally, but when you are dealing with a person whose behavior is completely unpredictable and not normal whatsoever you find yourself doing things you would not do to keep it together and on level ground even though you are not getting your basic need to be close met. Please do not get the cart before the horse. The strange behavior of the (dismissive) avoidant needs to be seriously addressed in therapy FIRST so that normal people don't get falsely labeled as "needy" attempting to make a relationship work with them. And then no one has to worry themselves sick at the first sign of an argument that the entire thing will blow up. There are NO argument-less relationships anywhere in the universe, and no one can be peaceful with a person with completely erratic and bizarre behavior.
I thought my FA was suppressing and deactivating during the slow fade, seemed she spent time finding fault with me, us and the relationship before the discard. Is there a time when it's okay to break no contact or do I just wait for her to reach out?
Thank you Alexis. So much wisdom in this. Really helpful ❤
It's funny, because my Ex is PURE CHAOS when she is on her own. She thinks "independence" is her "thriving" area - and she doesn't thrive at all - she really doesn't function. We broke up three months ago and she sent me an email about every area of her life that has fallen apart ( I mean EVERY: health, lost her job, getting evicted)
It doesn't help you heal perhaps, but that's about the perfect mixture of disaster for a wake up call. It's going to change her life, and hopefully she hears the bells ring to fix it for the better.
I was with my DA/FA? exBF for 9 years and broke up with him in October 2023 for stonewalling (again). I suffered a great deal these past months, as I am sure he has, but I have remained adamant that I will get through it and have, for the most part. I am SA. There has been radio silence between us since the break up. The other day, I texted him after all these months to say that I wanted to pick up my things at his house. He responded back in less than 30 minutes apologizing for having been really busy and saying that it did not work for him for me to go up there that week. He asked if he could come down instead (I live 90 minutes away) for lunch and bring my things? WTF??????? I should mention that I spent these last few months of absolute misery working out, losing 25 pounds and becoming the best version of ME. Hell yes. I said, uh, okay... as you wish... He came, I invited two friends over for lunch that he was close to in particular as buffers, and we had a great day. I was so happy to see him again that I invited him to a party I am having this month. He said he was pretty sure he had a commitment (dude has nothing going on. He came for lunch at 10:30 in the morning!) but would look into it and see... I sent him a message a few days later as a reminder and he called IMMEDIATELY... WTF??? We started talking about things in general, great convo, very natural... Hey, I said, I've got to go, I'm meeting Lisa for drinks... so will you be coming to the party? He said, again, "I'll have to check"... OK, check and call me.... "I will.".. I still have not heard back... that was 4 days ago... and I expect he will not get back to me... Push and pull... Me and my world were getting away, he flew in at the bottom of the 9th to stop that... Now he fears he got too close and has to run... It's kind of like a rom-com... I can say that now but with great respect for all the pain we all suffer with these types of attachments. When he was leaving my house the other day I said: by the way, you didn't bring all my stuff, did you? He turned red and said: no, there's still more at my house.... Good lord... Can't wait to see what happens next... Alexis, thank you for your videos and your expertise all these months. Most of all, thank you for your empathy. It has really helped me to heal. Whatever happens next, I can deal with it. A bientôt...
Your analysis is profound,thorough & extremely enlightening. Congratulations!!!
Your video is THE ONLY ONE that truly opened up my eyes about how avoidants ACTUALLY FEEL & THINK. The person I chose to give MY ALL was a D.A. She dumped me as if I was garbage-through sms of course! Although she didn't have the decency & the morality to announce her decision face to face,I've already forgiven her. I honestly have no bad feelings for her & I truly wish her the best in every aspect of her life
Hi Alexis - I really like your content. Thanks for putting it out there. Would you be able to share how you moved from being a dismissive avoidant to secure and what steps can someone take to get there. Sorry if I missed that video. Thanks.
That is a great question. My personal experience is that something has to happen in life that is too painful to repress. A break-up, midlife crisis, burnout, loss of security, a death close to you etc. In my case, I had a severe burnout after an abusive relationship. So I couldn't rely on workaholicism or other activities to escape from emotions, because I was too sick to leave the house. I had an epiphany in that moment "my life does not work for me because I lack self compassion". Like a movie in my mind, I saw all the decisions and situations of my past where a lack of self compassion made me alienated from myself and those I love, made me always draw the short end of the stick, choose the most difficult road without accepting help. So it was very clear to me how to move out of my predicaments; I had to become self compassionate. This means you have to allow your feelings in and connect with yourself. This changed everything in my life. I am Secure nowadays.
I was with one of these people for 4 wasted years. Therapist are very correct in saying if the DA is not working on themselves you literally are wasting your precious time in life that you will never ever get back. Leave them !!!!
Couldnt say it any better
How do I navigate their new relationship? Meaning I suspect she has gotten into a new one
He has cycled through to a 3rd girl since. 1 a random pretty sure just a sexting puppet. Never meet in person but easy to get nudes from. Shes soooo cringe. 2nd is an old friend. Failed in less than 2 months. And now a random single mom in another town who is very nieve. Has no idea who he really is. Random. Easy access. Type to tolerate bare minimum. I don't think he entirely realized things fail because, he is the toxic one..... I love him. Always will. But even if he comes back, his toxic behavior and refusal to do thw work yet... after 3 months.... tells me, when he comes back I have to be firm on being friends first. He has to reearn my trust. And respect.... I lost a lot of respect for him now I am witnessing how he uses women for emotional crutches...😊
My ex who I was with for 1 year and 3 months was 150% a DA. We were very much in love and expressed it regularly. Even on what I didn’t know was our last morning together she left me notes saying “you are amazing and incredible” and “I love you so very much, always”… I only got to read these when returning to my apartment after being blindside discarded over the phone earlier in the afternoon.. She gave me the “I can’t give you what you want”. We had been talking about living together and I was wanting more intimacy and to feel like we were progressing. It’s been 6 months since breakup and she is on dating app looking for all the things she ran away from with me (even confirmed by her that I gave everything she looks for currently). She expressed interest in being friends and hanging out and “who knows what that’ll turn into”, but it felt cruel to me that I have to talk to her as a friend while she looks for a future husband. Anyway she said “it’s time to move on” and “I wish you the best”… then she is still always the first to watch my stories. Did a month and a half no contact after breakup, now at 1 month again, is there any point when it’s 6 months later?
My ex definitely has dismissive avoidant tendencies and she once told me that her parents fought constantly that they were always going to get divorced but never did so I always wondered if that caused her to be as conflict avoidant as she was.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Reach out and pretend you want to have a nonchalant convo and ignore all reality. What is the point? Avoidants are the authors of their own destruction. You shouldn't have to play games, what type of relationship can be built on constant repression of feelings and desires
I am a healed avoidant (FA leaning DA, now a self made secure), and I agree with you. While trust and comfort has to be rebuild to reconcile, you also must have the conversations about what went wrong and how you're going to work together effectively to make it a success. The typical avoidant who has not done any therapy will not be able to have those much needed conversations, so it's quite pointless.
It's a problem that the stereotypical avoidant doesn't discuss the break up with anyone, like their best friends for a therapist. Its part of the issue that they keep everything to themselves. As an avoidant myself, I learned how to be vulnerable and have healthy co-regulation with others through my friendships and therapy, and I also picked up heavy topics of childhood with my parents to tell them which events in life wounded me so that we can work through them. A person who is not willing to engage with their emotions in any of their social relations, will not be a better partner next time around.
@@0Demiyah0
Well, my dismissive avoidant ex not only stonewalled and kept himself highly distracted from the argument/break up, but also immediately moved on to someone new, who is an old friend - one of the gang - from his hometown, who lives 3 hour's drive away. It's been 3 months since the argument, 2 months since he started up with this person, 6 weeks since we've spoken. I feel i should give up hope, but it all seems like one big misunderstanding after another that should have never happened.
This constant blocking and unblocking happened to me...over months....sometimes many times in a few weeks towards the beginning.
What if i break up and regeret
She moved on very quickly after telling me she wasn't ready for a relationship and needed time and space to find out who she is as a person. She also said "I always seem to get with the first guy I meet after a break up and never have time and space to find out who I am as a person", then she got with someone else a few weeks after we last spoke 10 days after breaking up. She looks very happy in her life without me.
Socio pathy
It's all in the name " Avoidant". Take that as a hint to avoid...Save yourself and your sanity..
Love this material. I'd love more videos on building confidence, self worth, skills to become secure, etc!
Never gonna change if they don't bother telling you what needs to change
What if I broke it off and he keeps. Coming back after I tell him to leave me alone, to move on and let me go. He won’t stop. All While blocking me and unblocking me. I broke it off a year ago. Why won’t he leave me alone if he won’t heal.
I went no contact for 45 days and reached out with a fun and light text, and they didn’t reply. Now what?😢
go back to no contact for yourself until they reach out. if they don't reach out, no worries. no contact should be first about you, and secondrily about them. Use this time to recalibrate your needs and seek peace and personal growth
Two years, and the first couple of months were the best. He keeps coming in and out of my life whenever he wants, doesn’t respect my boundaries, laughs at me when I tell him he hurt me, and he actually intentionally hurts me. I had to step away. He’s hurting so much inside, and instead of getting help, he continues to come back every couple months, blocking me, unblocking me, messing with me, and pushing my buttons. The list goes on. I told him I couldn’t be with him, because I’m saved and a reborn Christian, and I won’t be with someone who doesn’t follow Jesus, love Jesus or choose Jesus. I don’t care how much they love me in a worldly way. If they don’t have Christ, I’m gone! Now, I am still kind to him, loving, compassionate and understanding , as well as patient, but I’ll never get into a relationship with him, until I know he’s truly saved. If they were saved, it would be different, because I know, eventually the Lord would help them get through all of these, as he did me, but he even denied him. People, these people are really broken, lost and hurting. They haven’t had anything but toxicity. It took years of constant work with counseling and Jesus, for me to become secure from being a DA. I’m now almost 7 years and I’m no longer a DA. If I can do it, they can do, but I did it because I loved certain people and saw how my actions and words and lack of, was hurting even my family. Keep praying, someone prayed for me, and the lord changed me and my heart. Back away, work on you, and just pray for them, forgive them, they do not understand what they are doing fully. In no way am I making excuses, but compassion and understanding can go along way. I was abused and neglected growing up and didn’t know I learned certain mechanisms to dealing with those. Not everyone knows what they were taught or went through was wrong. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. We once were there. Don’t excuse the behavior, but just be mindful, we all were there in one way. Exactly how they treat another, is how they were treated. That’s so disgusting and disturbing to me, to see parents hurting their children in ways that it’s so hard to heal as an adult. A lot Of these parents were kids having kids. Always rebuke in a loving way.. now I did no contact for 4 months at a time and he keeps coming back. So I told him he won’t get the me he got before unless things change. I want him healed and saved. I want him to come to heaven with me, even if that means we aren’t together. I want him saved, that’s more important than me being with him, I’m more concerned about his soul. So if we never get together, that’s okay, as long as he’s saved. Don’t be selfish, it isn’t about just you! Don’t ignore others pains just because you no longer go through it, and the only reason I’m able To be as strong, is because of me leaning on Jesus and not my own strength and might, but his.
it doesn't apply to fearful-avoidant who is genuenly these 2 core wounds and are confused by nature...
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Question. Pourquoi les evitants sont ils cruels avec ceux qui les aiment ? On dirait que plus la personne est proche et plus l'evitant devient particulièrement odieux. Même avec les gens secures ils ont toujours cette haine de l'autre comme si sa simple présence était intolérable.
How would monkey branching affect this process?
What is the timing on being her friend? I have stayed in friendly contact with my FA and have gone no contact because she would not agree to a face to face meeting. Trying to give her time and space in order to allow her to get over any fear. I get that when communication starts again it's building a new relationship, yes starting at the "first date" stage and building from there.
What if I broke up with them?
…yep, that’s what I did recently. I saw what was happening and nipped it in the bud, walked away from what I considered was a very beautiful relationship. She shut down emotionally after 3 months and I have zero tolerance. These are impossible relationships unless you are equally sociopathic and narcissistic. Avoid the avoidant at all costs. I’m here to figure out how the hell I attracted such a person.
I also recently broke up with them, same questions on my mind 🤔 would it be different?
@@cspace1234nzwow, there's a huge dissonance between "very beautiful relationship" and words like "sociopathic and narcissistic". Crazy.
@@0Demiyah0 ....such is the dissonance between the so-called 'honeymoon period' and the moment they reveal their true character. I'm a pretty smart guy, self aware and very experienced in some very nice relationships over a lot of years,even with an avoidant for 12 years, who I still remain relatively close to by the way. The point being, I never saw it, the only thing I could say about those 3 months is that is seemed too perfect. Also, I am not suggesting these people are sociopaths or narcissists, I don't beliebe they are, however, they do have strong tendencies in both. You state it perfectly yourself...."Crazy" !
@@cspace1234nz why did you think that? how you attracted her? Because they appear secure and just like any other person initially. One thing i realised is they are attracted to you very much based on physical looks and mirror your interests to give an impression of a personality/character compatibility.
Ex reached out, called crying and begging for forgiveness for all the mistakes she made in the relationship and for breaking up. Says she loves me and now realizes she cant be without me. We talked for some days. She said that she misses me i'm the love of her life and that she wants to be with me...BUT cant be with me at the moment. Not revealing the reasons... I believe she might be in a rebound. Its been one week since we last spoke.
This is the main reason women file divorces so much after hitting 45. And they go for good. They would find new partners (multiple). Never return.
My avoidant ex said he miss me and ask me if I was happy when I was with him
He express that he miss me and asked If I was happy when I was with him.what does this mean Sir?
Really painful when they would rather spend time with strangers than people who went out of their way to help them...
this is great video for me to understand my ex avoidant behavior and what she has been through in her childhood. Helps me heal. Appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge about avoidant behaviors. Because avoidant never communicates with us and disappear. In relationship avoidant can go undetected most of the time. This video definitely cools off my anxiety and perception about her.
Run! Especially if they are fearful-avoidant. Like all the others said, if they aren't aware of their tendencies, they will guilt-shame you, blame you for minor mistakes that could have been solved in 20minutes. They'll take your self-esteem. If you're secure, you will get anxious, if you're anxious your invited on a very dark rollercoaster of yourself, while nothing that they do really have anything to do with you.
why should you care? No one deserves to be treated poorly, like they did, simply for caring about someone.
Nothing went wrong,
Mine was seeking validation and reassurance as she moved to the next guy. I am going into the third week of no contact and focusing on myself.
I called him out on his bad behaviour and how he was treating me and making me feel . Then 3 days later i get a dump text
Alexis, do you have any videos/content about when you have dumped/broken up with your DA ex? Is there anything different about how DA process a break up when they are the ones who were broken up with?
man alex, as a straight man, those eyes of yours are making me lean straight-ish 😍
have to dissagree. some times people are so afraid of rejection, they may want to reach out but wont, beause of unprocessed guilt. fearful avoidants specifically can sometimes have so much guilt it prevents them from reaching out because they're terrified of being rejected...especially if they're rejection sensitive folks like myself and my ex..we're both adhd and both an the autism spectrum .
Is thirty days enough time for a fearful avoidant?
My in my opinion severe fearful avoidant monkey branched to me from a 12 year relationship. Yes everything was fantastic the first five months, then came the devaluation and slow fade leading to the discard. Suspect she's onto the next one in less than two months.
My fearful avoidant asked for a break. It's been a month. He confirmed me more times that he doesn't want to break up, he wishes to come back...donno when...but for now he has to do some work on himself, cause he didn't feel at all ok with himself, I also put pressure on him, cause I am anxious attachment, so he needs space and time to figure out his life and direction and thoughts, emotions etc . Can you say, according to your experience and researches, after how long they come back? I focus on securing my anxious attachment style, yet, sometimes i cannot help asking myself how much time he needs and how long these kind of breaks last, as I also need to know what to do with my life further. Thank you!