Which one of these mindset shifts did you need to have most today?

@catherined6399

5 жыл бұрын

I needed the third more ! I struggle a lot with this one, but not really the other ones.

@rainbow9987

5 жыл бұрын

The first one, why I need people to think current way.

@monicastephens9788

5 жыл бұрын

"If I know who I am, that's what matters. "

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

@@catherined6399 Okay! Can you start working on the (mis) belief that other people have to approve of what you want, need, think or feel in order for those things to matter?

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

@Ange Lom Do you know why that is?

Never defend yourself to others because other people don’t really have the right to determine your value or worth. 🔥

@mireillelebeau2513

5 жыл бұрын

So true and people are free and allowed to have their opinion

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

@@mireillelebeau2513 yes, yes and YES!!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Amen!

@personincognito3989

5 жыл бұрын

You're so right but it's so easy to get caught up in wanting people to like you and wanting them to see your value.

@irisgonzalez-caulder4817

5 жыл бұрын

UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS what I think is, opinion you think is " the right to determine "

Mean and disrespectful people make me defensive.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Sandra, I'm going to lovingly challenge that. It's not the people who are being mean or disrespectful that's making you defensive - it's your thoughts about what they are saying that is making you defensive. You think those things they are saying mean something about you, but they don't. You think you need to make them understand or see things differently, but they don't. Their words don't mean anything about you, unless you think they do.

@alexismorgan3543

5 жыл бұрын

Reader She's talking about taking responsibility for your own body, your own thoughts, your own feelings and their result, regardless of what other people are saying or doing. If they don't matter, if they're so mean, then what they say has zero worth. But responding and defending gives their words the power that they wanted from you.

@SR77736

4 жыл бұрын

Yes they just make me angry.

@MrSuperbluesky

4 жыл бұрын

Sandra DiBiaso I concur . I believe that we human critters need respect

@movingon2081

4 жыл бұрын

@@alexismorgan3543 blah blah blah blah. It doesn't give them power it makes them look weak and even weaker when you DNT tolerate the B.s

These thoughts can come from having a physically and emotionally abusive parent.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Totally. We're definitely not born defensive!

@barefootmanifester

5 жыл бұрын

@@juliakristinamah I've been in therapy a few years now and have learned that I am who I am because of my abusive parent. I feel like I have to defend myself so I don't get beaten or as a means of survival. Learning to not defend yourself is not easy. But, each time you ignore or walk away from a comment or critique you know was said to get a reaction from you, it becomes easier each time. I agree with Julia, I will think about the comment or critique a little bit, see what I can learn from it, and then move on. I find that the person making the comment feels unfulfilled because you have not responded or reacted. From there, they may continue by defending or justifying their statement, or worse try to get you into the discussion, for which I will respond either of two ways: 1) you are entitled to your opinion, or 2) if you feel this way, you truly do not know me. I would love more suggestions.

@reesedaniel5835

5 жыл бұрын

@@barefootmanifester Use the narc's favorite "apology" line: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

@Mushroom321-

4 жыл бұрын

YES!, by not having your opinion heard. 😕

@Fatima-xv1jw

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly 😞😢😔

I hate when people act like they know me, like coworkers that literally my interaction trough the day is "hi" "bye" idk why people get this delusion that just cause you see somebody everyday you know them, lol. It's like they literally create a whole persona out of nothing cause you give them nothing.

You don't need other people's attention or validation to exist or be happy. I live by this mantra. 😊

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Love this.

Defensiveness is a telling sign of insecurity/low self-esteem. I used to be very defensive at times (because I was insecure and had low self-esteem). I've since learned that part of having good self-esteem is being ok with not needing approval from others. It's something that I share with people as well.

@lauriemtz8616

3 жыл бұрын

Yikes..with that being said, Then I must have low self esteem and insecurity. EDIT: did I just get defensive? 🤔🤪

@farewelll18

3 жыл бұрын

Because people don't wanna be disrespected their insecure?

@gersonsalgado9915

Жыл бұрын

So according to you is becáis of insecurities??? Imagine using this statement in court 😂😂😂

@nyeahgarner2420

2 ай бұрын

When everyone you know is calling you a lousy person, then I might be able to take you seriously.

@osmosisjones4912

Ай бұрын

If you have no defense your not secure by definition it's like saying having a physical immune system means you have weak immune system

I think it is best to not care so much what others think, it's harder than it sounds though. Thank you for the video.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Agreed - on both points!

I've always struggled with needing to be "right" and I end up being ashamed of myself after I go off on people I love. Its frustrating because they're the people I should be the least defensive with.

@francesbeth2077

Жыл бұрын

Yes, my mom always would remind me, "It's not whose right, it's what's right. " Meaning just let it go. Julie you are so right...Let people believe whatever they want.

It took me a long time to realize that my argumentative nature ultimately stems from my insecurities.

I've been called stubborn all my life and this is why. I have some internal NEED to be right and to be understood.

@daianaviana2357

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Sharon, how are u? Have you overcome this feeling?

@lauriemtz8616

3 жыл бұрын

I can’t definitely relate to that! I want to remember to pause and breathe🧘‍♀️🙏🏽

@whereisyourhumanity7557

Жыл бұрын

I can stand being wrong or different. I want to be seen for what I really am.

This happens for me when I am feeling misunderstood. Recently I had two conversations with family & friends where I was feeling angry because they didn’t seem to understand me. The bigger reveal from your vid is to look closer at ‘Why’ I feel I need for them to understand me?? Thank you

@whereisyourhumanity7557

Жыл бұрын

I just want to be seen and heard.

My insecurities are insane :) I often find myself comparing myself to other people that I don’t even know, but they ask me something in my head so I can defend myself. Then I realize I am drifted out of my present moment, then self criticism comes home. And I am really trying to be normal person. Everyday.

For me my biggest struggle is tone. I think I could argue on just about anything, even topics I wouldn't care about or become defensive over. But if you ask me a question with a underlining accusative tone, ohhh boy herrreee we go! You could ask "why are you drinking water?!" But having that accusative tone automatically takes my brain from a happy water drinking brain to "well hey why am I getting this negative tone for doing absolutely nothing to deserve it" In those moments is extremely hard to not react defensively because I'm confused on what I did to deserve that tone, and when I get confused I become frustrated. And it's this cycle that never ends.

Thank you. I really needed to hear this. I relate most to the first point. That someone has judged or criticised me and I don't like how they view me. What has shifted for me is that why do I need them to see me in a certain way if I know who I am? This is life changing for me. Thank you so much.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, yes and YES!! Jumping up and down cheering for you Joanna.

@Mushroom321-

4 жыл бұрын

Relate able!, yes, right! 😼

@NopeNotTodaySatan

2 жыл бұрын

I relate to this as well. Thank you!! ❤️

“Do you always want to be right or do you want to be happy?” - H. Jackson Brown Jr.

@glenwicks4976

3 жыл бұрын

I would prefer to be both, and it IS possible to be both.

@glenwicks4976

3 жыл бұрын

@MARJAN You don't have to listen to me, but I'm just saying that it's totally possible.

@raesunshine2643

2 жыл бұрын

Susan Jeffers also used this quote in her books. Loved her books a few years ago💜

@cyndimoring9389

2 жыл бұрын

I first heard it on Dr Phil.

You made this specific video when I needed it most. I can't thank you enough for how much your work has helped me change my life to one I love living. Your insight helps us fight the good fight and changes the world one healing heart at a time. God bless you

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Illissa! This just filled my heart. I am so happy for you. And you are feeling good because YOU decided you wanted more. YOU decided you were willing to do the work to get to better. YOU decided your life was worth loving. Grateful to have you here.

@KerryShearer

5 жыл бұрын

Ilissa, I love your comment about Julia changing your life. You are a champ for taking action to work on areas that are leading to greater joy! And Julia IS awesome for the way her consistent videos and heart for helping people are making an impact!

This hit on the spot for me when I realize I defend myself at work if someone challenges why I did something. I’m so looking forward to letting it go and saying to myself “that’s how they see it” starting now.

I couldn't care less what toxic people think; I care about how nastily they treat others and me because of what they think.

So, basically, pick your battles. Which 'battle' with other people is worth disturbing your peace?

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Absolutely. That's the key question to ask ourselves.

@cwestover5706

5 жыл бұрын

When they are imposing on your peace.

@SR77736

4 жыл бұрын

A few of them actually.

Sometimes I get tired of stepping aside when I know that I am right. When do I get to be recognized for being right?

@shylamoore4466

3 жыл бұрын

I struggle with this thought alot. I feel shameful for thinking it at times because I feel as though this is my pride or ego talking...But I think the grim reality of it is, as long as you know your right though willing to see another perspective. That's all that matters, because at the end it's all perception. The other person could argue the sky is green when it's blue and throw a fit over it, you just have to talk a pause and a deep breath and go "I agree that your perception of the sky is green, but that's not mine" and walk away. Because even though you want oh so badly for that person to say "yes the sky is blue" you may never get it, but what you can get is price of mineld ending the convo.

@stayconsistent

3 жыл бұрын

I think we have a strong need for validation especially from people whom we consider important and we love, our parents, our spouses, our family and friends. I find myself defensive with my husband very often, I found this video on a Sunday in morning, by Sunday evening I had an outburst of defending my work ethic. And I mean a BAD outburst. I know my heart and intentions, and it is important to me what my husband thinks but at this point Im tired of arguing , rebuttaling and the heated discussions

@dominoxheartsyouxnot

3 жыл бұрын

Inner peace

@Alex-jr1zs

2 жыл бұрын

Hmmmmm you are not always right

@obertbrinley6541

2 жыл бұрын

@@Alex-jr1zs I never said that I was always right. Are YOU?

I always get super defensive about questions -- i cannot stand the simplist of inquirys from people I'm close with.😫

@jillyjensen1776

3 жыл бұрын

Same. Petty criticisms from other half bait me and I defend myself. How do I stop? What should I say instead?

@kickaxeguitars

3 жыл бұрын

@@jillyjensen1776 I don’t think I get defensive anymore, but I am typically open as well - which can come across as being defensive. This is my biggest problem I think. For example, if a girl I am dating mentions something they notice about me, I am happy to explain my mindset regarding it - but this comes across as “defensive”. So instead of being open about my perspective, I’ve learned to just lovingly acknowledge people without explaining myself. To me, this feels worse - but it’s what most people want in response - just to be validated in their thoughts, rather than giving insight as to why.

It's not being defensive, its setting boundaries. People are only going to do what you allow them to do.

@osmosisjones4912

Ай бұрын

Yes it getting defensive. By definition. Like having immune system is getting defensive against germs. Psychologically defending yourself is not bad thing. a lot people especially men 🖤 men believe they deserve abuse from ♀️ We have huge homeless problem in richest country in the world because of divorce court bias because men DIDN'T get defensive against the feminine mystic claiming what should be considered Rent unpaid labor

There are some personalities that release an assault, a barrage of criticism....unsolicited 'advice' - i.e. go to a different grocer (no one goes to that one), cook from written recipes (sends an example of a written recipe for food you have made that they like), clean the floor differently (repeats floor cleaning methods), change your front door (informs about sales on approved doorbell cameras, etc), you have the wrong floor plan in your home (explains superiority of their personal floorplan), you drive the wrong car (buys a new car & insists to always be the driver), your husband is not good (invites only 2 of your family for a mom/daughter party and on arrival there are fathers and brothers in attendance), your dog is not good (tells you how to leash, control and pen dog before they come over), you need to go to different restaurants (tells you where to go for discount cards for best places), you need to plan more parties (they 'deserve' to have a party hosted for them), on & on & on. I've NEVER felt so GOOD about ME as when I FINALLY kicked them out of MY life in Dec after a year of this & begging them to stop. I Never defended myself. I never had the opportunity to speak! I have NO idea why they Ever texted or called me? I am my Own Best Friend now! It's true, we don't have to defend ourselves.

@sksbc3895

5 жыл бұрын

Yikes! Sounds like you need some new, supportive friends in your life!

@julieg-b8910

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your heartfelt post. In reading your post i realized I can/am be that person telling you a better way to do things. My intent has not meant to be critical but to share my knowledge or save you from my bad experience. I have had issues with codependency and needing to be needed. I see now thru your post how I can be damaging those around me by possibly making them feel bad about themselves and I am going to work on changing that. Thank you for the thump on the head. 😎

@karynb7781

5 жыл бұрын

@Beth Mitchell I gotta research that! Although, I'm pretty sure the experience speaks for itself. Who knew there was a diagnosis? She's raising a baby G.A.H.N. too! Sad.

@karynb7781

5 жыл бұрын

@Beth Mitchell Bingo

@gretchenburton7184

5 жыл бұрын

Yes. I am happy that you finally kept this person away from you. So toxic and controlling! Totally undetstand!!!

I used to feel the need to defend myself, my decisions, my feelings. I had a need to be understood. Later, I realized that regardless of the decision that I made, there would be those who agreed with me and others who didn't oh, I was in a catch-22 regardless of the decision that I made. I finally decided to make the best decision that I could with the information available to me and to stick to that decision. Later, through counseling, reading, and watching videos such as yours, I came to learn who I was both good and bad. I have come to like the person that I am. No, I'm not perfect, but as you would say, that's perfect. This is the second time that I have listened to this particular video gain such Insight from your points. You're right, I don't have to defend myself anymore and I don't have to make myself understood. While I still try to understand where the other person's viewpoint, there is no guarantee that I'll agree with them or that they'll agree with me, but that's all right. I understand that now. Thank you very much for your Insight and information. I have no doubt that it will make me a stronger person.

Great video, I just realized that at 62 that I am a highly defensive person. I have always pushed and attacked everyone I come in contact with and going back to my earliest memories. This stops now. My loving wife has mentioned over the years that I do not seem happy and now I understand that I have a character flaw that needs to be addressed and I know that I can fix it and it must be fixed so I can tell her honestly that yes now I am happy because I want to be happy and share my happiness with others. I intended to treat myself like a recovering addict, so now I can never again think that I am being attacked during any conversation. I will need counselling and many books/ your type of videos to insure I stay nice. I started to make amends to all the people I have ever known. Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed, rang that bell 🔔 and downloaded this video for mediate use ie: my new Mantra.

I've learned a longtime ago the best way to respond to criticism is handle it with grace and kindness.

@jhoseelinbermudez1996

2 ай бұрын

How?

You are so good to listen to. Problems seem so simple.

@stayconsistent

3 жыл бұрын

Lol. They seem simple to her bc that's her perception, bc this stuff not easy for me

Thank you. My defensiveness is ruining my relationship so i need to figure out my issue and this is the most help I've had so far.

Great points as always! Intimidation through questioning is a ploy that people often use.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Yes- that absolutely can happen and we can decide if we want to take the bait . Good to have you here Robert.

I grew up with people telling me who I am and not allowing me to be me. These were my authority figures so I had to take it. So as a young adult I had to start doing this thing where I said "no, that's not true about me, THIS is..." People took it as me being defensive but I always thought it was me just finally sticking up for myself and not taking abuse anymore. So am I being defensive when I do this?

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

You are not being defensive when you do that Kara! You are standing your sacred ground and stating who YOU are, and that is amazing.

@NjBou

5 жыл бұрын

Omg this was exactly me, except I didn't start standing up for myself until I was in my 20s.

@SR77736

4 жыл бұрын

No. Keep doing it. I'm the same way. I stand up for me and idc what people say.

@keishtrim3918

4 жыл бұрын

Same

@christopheryannatone4406

Жыл бұрын

As long as it’s coming from a place of authenticity and not insecurity, then that is exactly what you should do! I have had similar struggles going up and am 21 now, still fighting to know myself on a daily basis, and to discern properly if I should stand my ground in a situation, or take a step back and let things play out

This video was helpful. People pleasing or caring about what others think of me is a problem I’m working on. I know that I am a loved and valuable person. I make efforts to make good choices in life. I’m focusing on trusting God to lead me in the right path. If others disagree with my decisions, that’s their opinion and none of my concern. I want to leave defensiveness and insecurities behind!

The last one, I have the need to be understood, probably due childhood issues! 😕 Can you give some examples of frases we can use, that are not defensive?

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

That is a great topic for a KZread video! Duly noted. Thank you!

@elderlypoodle9181

5 жыл бұрын

69LOLIN Great comment !

@angelasheffer9526

5 жыл бұрын

This is a hard one for me. I’m always feeling the need to clarify. I feel quite misunderstood at times and am working on creating boundaries. I’m often told I’m too sensitive.

I'm so emotional and it's so hard to prove my self to my parents bc of that. They believe to know everything about me and we can't have a productive coversation. I'm college and it's still so difficult.

@cyndimoring9389

2 жыл бұрын

you will prove yourself to them over time. The way you live your life will show them. It took my mother 30 years to acknowledge that I'd picked the right career. Because her friends raved about me! I am a retired elementary art teacher, btw.

I'm a brand new viewer, subscribed today. I have been in therapy for years and it's been tremendously helpful. I LOVE your videos! Thank you for what you do!!!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Joe! So great to have you here and for your super kind words. Good to connect with you.

I love the way you teach !! You have helped me so very much work through so many issues I have had along the years . You have Helped me refresh a few ways to change my mindset when I was wanting to just give in and give up on myself or the people I care for . You are such a beautiful soul and so kind to help others .

Yea this definitely resonates with me. I hate when people have a view of me that I feel like doesn’t depict who I really am.

This was great, it taught me that because I know who I am and my goals. I dont need their approval and them to understand my goals and purpose. Thank you 👏👏👏

My Therapist suggested that I watch this video and I did along with her. Two things really stuck out for me personally when listening to this, 1) My need or want to be right 2) Ego and wanting to be understood. WOW! These two right here were so on point. I didn't think that I was a egotistical person & never thought of it this way but it does make sense. Feeling like I have to defend my choices, or be judged , the way that I view things & more. I am working on me so that I can be the best me that I can. Having 'thin' skin is one of the areas I need to work on the other is listening. Thanks so much for this.

I've been watching a few of your videos here and there, going through counseling myself for things. Honestly it's just really hard to realize what needs to be focused on to begin dealing with things. But I've found a combination of your videos and my appointments help to let me explore issues like the one you talked about above better. So thank you for sharing these with us all.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Really glad you're finding them helpful. And honestly, it doesn't matter where you start or what you focus on. Just one foot in front of the other everyday and that's exactly what you're doing. GOOD on you.

I have watched this video several times now! I have found your identification of the three different areas of defensiveness really helpful! Thanks so much! I have found the combination of the wisdom in this video and the re-visiting of a visualisation that I used in an EMDR session a few years ago to be so powerful in dealing with the issue of defensiveness recently. It's been a life line just when I needed it! Thanks again!

People that are hurt tend to project their psychological dramas on others. We often recreate situations from the past in order to learn to overcome or master them.

Hi Christina, because of you and anyone like you on KZread my life gets better in quality. Thank you ☺️

Being defensive- for lack of a better way to put it, is kind of a no brainer when at the workplace. Think about it: if say, a supervisor treats you openly differently than the other people and you're working your butt off to gain enough momentum to maybe be in the 'in crowd' at work... I tried the stay quiet approach for a long time. It hasn't done anything to help me in this situation. Sometimes you have to have a voice. Sometimes we have to use our voice. Because quite honestly (sometimes) if we keep quiet we run the risk of being negatively impacted, at work, by the people or person with the erroneous opinion of us. This is a very ambiguous thing, very nuanced.

Of all the things that feel screwed up in my life, this is not one of my problems. I still enjoyed the video and appreciate what you do.

Thumbs up! Shutter down sounds like stonewalling and that along side defensiveness are two of the four horses of the apocalypse of a relationship. My friend and I have noticed that the pattern of defensiveness is a facet of immaturity and results in a toxic relationship. There's a lack of self-esteem from having inadequate quantity or quality of positive affirmations. CBT is urgently needed before being in a relationship. It's a matter of responsibility. Otherwise, there's a wake of suffering ex-love ones. The fear of being toxic should be higher than the fear of being attacked. The affirmation urgently needed is: don't take it personally. "People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you; they can crumple you out with their words, spit you out or even walk all over you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always keep your value." -- Frederik Imbo

Agree. I went through this when I was in a relationship with a BPD. I was being smeared and it mattered to me. I finally let go, because it doesn't matter.

Love your channel Julia..thank you so much for all your loving wisdom... I find myself defensive around rude snd disrespectful people..my family included . .if I cannot have a compassionate conversation without being slammed with their nonsense. .I'm gone...I have no time for their fear tactics anymore..self love and rrspect for myself has made me so much happier and peaceful...love me or leave me alone...is my motto..☺💖

Ever since my spiritual awakening the more my consciousness arises when I move among people I pay more attention to what they say and their words on the contrary I feel more defensive towards them because my feelings are important and I dont want them to hurt them. I feel I have to protect my sensitive core 🥺🥺🥺

What I don’t like is a close family member judging my character and having false assumptions about my character which isn’t true. It just hurts your heart ❤️ especially if you have been kind and loving majority of the time in their lives. Or they bring up your past mistakes and throw it in your face, when they themselves have a lot to work on and mistakes they have also done. But, I’m learning not to waste energy clarifying my character to them. I think what you said is right. Allow them to think what they want of you and continue growing in your own journey. ❤

"I need to die on that mountain!!" OMG you are so funny !!!! haha thank you for another great video :)

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Glad you liked it Catherine ;-)

Thank you so much, I heard someone comment on being defensive, I don't understood well, to me it's just clarifying, after your video, now I understood. It's always bitter feelings as they still don't understand...

I noticed that I have a problem with all 3 from time to time but wanting to be understood stands out the most. It was something I came to realize from another one of Julia's videos but have been neglecting to work on.

Thank you, Julia Kristina! This video is liberating.

HAPPY NEW YEAR JULIA TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! Thanks 🙏 so much for all of your wonderful and life altering in a good way videos. May GOD bless you and your family.

I needed this! Thank you so much. I do not need their approval at all NOR do I need to prove ANYTHING!! Only found you today. Thank you so much 🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊💜

So much good stuff in this video! Truth!

Wow, this is such a wonderful and timely video for me. Very much appreciated!

Thank you so much. We do not need other people to aaprove of our decisions and validate our individuality.

Thank you so much for making this video. I had a chance to practice what I had learned from you. A few weeks after originally watching this, my boss pulled me into a meeting and pretty much lashed out at me and someone else over a misunderstanding. I managed to remain calm and didn't explain myself 😀. That made her even more furious LOL.

Thank you Julia.

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Absolutely Karlene - thanks for being here.

I keep myself sane by saying nobody cares but everyone gets defensive when I say that but at end of the day I’m alone

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

Mine is DEFINITELY because I dont want someone to have "that view" of me. Asking why I need them to have this opinion of myself to make it ok is such great advice!! Its OK for someone to not like something I did!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Amen Autumn!!

Some people like myself just enjoy discourse I like engaging peoples thoughts and perspectives and understanding the way they view the world When disagreement occurs jokes come out and I typically make fun of their thought process to try to show them how ridiculous it is Most people dont respond too well "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" Not mutually exclusive You can defend yourself, be right and be happy....

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

It is possible to be both right and happy depending on the situation - I agree Jim.

This video has helped me so much and now I know why I get super defensive even though I’m just a teenager. Throughout my life I have been criticized about the way I dress or the way that I look from someone, a specific someone, and that is what has led me to become extremely defensive. They don’t heavily criticize me anymore which is good, but something that has really opened my eye is that even when they made little comments about my hair for example, I would get extremely defensive even though they weren’t criticizing me. That’s when I knew, I wasn’t OK and I knew immediately that I needed to change my defensiveness.

@noah.derayy

Жыл бұрын

It’s okay I hope your doing good, and everyone gets that way time to time, the fact that your acknowledging this is better because your going to become more self aware and suffer less because you know how to just listen and not assume that worst, or that someone’s put to get you for the way you dress or something, a lot of people aren’t self aware when it comes to this so have compassion and don’t judge others for not knowing better or being more self aware, but if it’s someone your dating and you tell them something that you might not agree with or like let them know not to get defense like try to teach or show them how not to be, and just be honest and supportive and let them know you not trying to attract them or that your out to get them you just want them to become better for the both of you

Really enjoy your videos and have learned many valuable things regarding relationships. Thanks so much...

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today 🙏.

Hahaha! Last summer I bought a bloomin' onion at the state Fair, and needed to get it wrapped to go. They weren't totally prepared to do that easily, and so here I am apologizing and explaining why I made the request. The young gentleman looks at me and kindly says "ma'am, it's OK. No need to explain." I almost cried right there! I told him he was the first man who ever told me that. They were very nice people, and very accommodating. Can't tell you how great that simple comment made me feel!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

I love this Janice! And you never have to explain why you want your blooming onion wrapped ;-)

@janiceweed9198

5 жыл бұрын

@@juliakristinamah thank you! I didn't realize until just a few months ago how much I was feeling the need to defend and explain myself...to a certain individual especially, that it was so refreshing and eye-opening to be assured that it wasn't necessary for me to have to do that!

@tracik1277

5 жыл бұрын

Umm, English old lady here, please tell me, what is a blooming onion?

@janiceweed9198

5 жыл бұрын

@Traci K here's a link Blooming onion g.co/kgs/Hr7LGh

@mikemcternan8249

5 жыл бұрын

Counselling and cookery brilliant I had to look it up.

Life becomes so much simpler when you realize you don't have to have an opinion on everything. A mark of maturity is choosing to be on the right side of an argument instead of the winning side. One way I tell if someone is really sorry vs gaslighting me is if they admit their intentions were good and apologize for failing in applying them instead of defending themselves by placing the blame on my "misunderstanding."

I feel so fortunate that I get to see you on tube & get a free emotional boost. 😃 the upgrade of me!

What you have described is someone who is not fully committed to their beliefs or opinions and as such can be reminded of that uncertainty. That is the basis of defensive attitudes. Maturity teaches us to hold truths based upon our experiences, and while my truths may be fully correct, partially correct or not at all, it’s true for me and I don’t need to make my reality your reality. Your experiences have formulated your beliefs which may be different from mine and that’s ok. No need to “lose it” when someone disagrees, simply remind yourself of who you are.

I needed this. Thank you!!

thanks so much this is so helpful to me & you got right to the point looking forward to learning more

I wish I had watched this video sooner. This was so insightful. I will practice this moving forward

This thinking is very helpful to me. Thank you Julia!

Thank you for the reminder! I know this but often forget. I'm going to commit to paying more attention to the signs and be more mindful of getting stuck here....and let it go. Ciao!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Yasss!

I needed to hear this and accept that I get defensive more than I would like to. When people ask of my dreams and aspirations, if they don’t understand I feel I need to justify it to them. Same thing with my feelings, even if a person does not see my side but still may say “okay do you. I respect that” I still feel the need to go on and justify why that was my response.

@SteveJones379

2 жыл бұрын

The issue is in "feeling the need to go on and justify why that was my response." Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It's in learning how to be okay with the small imperfections in understanding. Perfect understanding is rare and kinda unnecessary in most situations. Maybe make sure you don't lead a conversation to require perfect understanding. Or allow general understanding to be sufficient in social relationship.

Great video Julia! Great message! some hills aint worth the fight!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Yasss! Exactly.

Back again thank you.

Thank you I really need this information, went straight to my brain

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Maria - that is music to my ears. I'm really grateful to hear that. What stood out most for you?

For the sake of argument If you came it me, in the dark alley It's a self defense situation I won't be happy about the devastation I caused But I'll be happy I just defended my own life It's a self defense situation

The expression on your face for this video is the perfect response to someone who is on the attack. Love it!

this video is so helpful! thank you

My head is spinning. Idc what people think about me, I just care that they don’t make me look bad.

Thank you for helping me understand

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Really glad it connected.

thank you so much for this wonderful video. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, establishing boundaries and learning to respond rather than react has been a significant challenge for me. I am actively working on improving my communication skills. However, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts when someone, like my sister, brings up past issues that have already been resolved or are unrelated to the current conflict. I understand that emotions might be high, but it's disheartening when, despite my efforts to improve and address concerns, I am consistently portrayed as the problem. This is especially hurtful when it comes from older relatives whom I had thought I could trust.

Its not just me, connecting to you. Adoreya

Hi Julia , you still help me with you wonderful work , I get defensive when someone try to probe wrong & I know I’m right thank you for everything GOD BLESS YOU.

Wow! I'm 60 years old and I've never heard this before. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really needed to hear this thanks.

Julia someone very close to me is incredibly defensive. I can’t express my point of you with this person because this person will immediately defend their point of you and work hard to prove that I am wrong and they are right. Your video helps me.

@PeterLarsenJr

2 жыл бұрын

Point of VIEW.

Tanks a lot for the video 👍 it really helps ☀️

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

So glad! Grateful to have you here.

for me I like when people think how I do because I want the connection and understanding. Like you said. It always comes down to values we are wanting to experience. I wish they taught about values more in schools, like starting in kindergarten. and not just what they are but how to utilize them in our daily life!

Thank you so much for this video. I live in a rural area and can't find the right psychologist for me. I am about to take a trip to see my family and I seem to always be on the defense. Thanks again!!!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Anita - I'm so glad we found each other! All the best on your trip, and I'm glad you'll be able to make good use of some of the mindset shifts from this talk. Sending hugs!

I’ve heard the phrase, “do you want to be right or do you want to be kind”. I want to be right 🤣 and I want to be agreed with! I still feel like I need others’ approval and understanding. Defensiveness for me all the time, especially at work maybe.

@israelcarrazana2264

5 жыл бұрын

I want to be right and kind

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

I hear you April! And I think the important question to ask ourselves is why we need others to think we're right?

Great video. Thank you

It's not about the offense, it's that people keep trying to convince me or others of lies about me, and in turn, causing others to treat me poorly.

As always, great video!

@juliakristinamah

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you! So glad it connected.

I have often been told I am defensive mainly at work where there needs to be trouble shooting ..from watching your video I feel not really the need to be right but I feel I have to explain myself and defend the words others may say about me...this is really something I need to work on because I felt disrespected at times and other people are taking it as it was just correction this is a hard pill to digest...