During my divorce my then wife told me I’d never have sex again for the rest of my life. What a mean ass thing to say

@EmpathicMan

7 ай бұрын

You sure would not have had any sex in your remaining life if you stood with her. Maybe she just expressed her subconscious fear, that she will have a future full of sexual partners but maybe never have a deep, committed love relationship again.

Not only do I have no desire to have sex I’m not in an emotional place to even make the effort. I also don’t think it fair to draw someone into your problems. I plan to make sure I’m good before I move on to someone new.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I think that sounds like a very reasonable and responsible plan. Do you have a plan in place to help yourself get to where you'd like to be, emotionally speaking?

Thank you, this video could not have come at better time. Going out there to date without inner work is an avoidance mechanism. Now I know better from your educational video. I have been alone for 8 months after a permanent separation. It has been a scary experience filed with profound sadness. No appetite to date, fear of repeating the same pattern that I have attracted. I will do my inner work before I venture out there again. This video and Masterclass video will be on repeat for a while. Thanks Rachael!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome BK! Thanks for watching. I'm glad this video was useful.

I'm honestly surprised a woman could help in this situation. But your words do help I do feel some kind of relief after your videos.We need to clone you. Will you marry me? Lol

Thanks so much. It really helps. I'm in so much pain. Really appreciate your help

Yes. It helped me. I only had a few lady friends. It was 12 years ago and I still have a decent relationship with them. I still date one; which was the receptionist at the marital counselor's office.

You are helping many people also when they dont go into the private programs. Thank you very much.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for watching and for being a part of this community!

You are one of the best KZreadrs on psychology I think. Keep doing what you do. Thanks. Your words and perspective have helped me a lot. Also, love the set up. Green lighting is cool. 😊

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, and I'm glad that the videos are helpful. I like the green light too! It's fun. I just got some better regular lights so hopefully I can keep the video quality improving all around. Thanks for watching.

@IsureamFalling

8 ай бұрын

Na , that would be Chris Williams , start listening to information that actually matters

@jm4236

8 ай бұрын

​@@IsureamFalling🤡

She is 90 percent right. Random sex won't solve your problems. Neither will pretending you don't want sex. I would say yes, go have sex with at least one person, because there is literally no substitute for a partner saying yes to sex. Trust me, I tried every psychological and spiritual avenue, and there is no alternative to the life-affirming nature of sex. But that encounter is just one step in a long process that is, as she says, mostly internal and not about external validation and sexual desire, it's about wholeness. good video.

@aprilchow-chee5281

11 ай бұрын

Not atleast one person how about you work ok yourself instead of using your body as a medium to amount to nothing for someone who is just a filler for you working on your trauma 😂

@mw1606

11 ай бұрын

​@@aprilchow-chee5281 I didn't actually say that, first of all. Dating while I was separated and now divorced was part of the healing process. If your break up is traumatic, and almost all of them are, you will be healing for many years. That mythical land of "totally healed" doesn't exist. If you want to be alone and celibate the rest of your life, be my guest. In the post-divorce dating world, everyone knows that everyone is wounded...the question is how much and in what ways.

@aprilchow-chee5281

11 ай бұрын

@mw1606 I'm aware you're always gonna be constantly healing I'm no fool but atleast find someone that it's worthy of you than to be sleeping around just to sleep around sake if you want to chop everything out there be my guest it's your body love.

@EmpathicMan

7 ай бұрын

@@aprilchow-chee5281 In did not understand MW the way that anything (anyone) will do. It is highly likely that men draw more out of the confirmation that having sex provides than woman do, just as getting this far is so much harder for men than for woman. Rachel Sloan is right - healing and progressing internally as well as growing as a personality is a must but for me and likely for many men this interacts with having bonds to the opposite sex. Growing confident gets you dates, dates let you grow confident. Start either side of the circle. If as a man 30+ you need some kick-start watch some videos related to the "sexual market value", as yes, while there are a felt 200 times more men on tinder etc than woman in ones age range, men evolving in strength of character have good chances. One thing I would add: Be honest about your intentions - this may scare off one or the other date, but telling that one just left / evaded a relationship, is in the process of finding and re-structuring oneself is OK. There are partners of all sexes out there that are down for something uncomplicated. However, I also always mentioned that with a one year horizon from separation I am seeking for a new tight bond and that it may not be unlikely that one of the looser bonds may evolve.

Yes! After 27 years with one lady, I didn't realize what I was missing. And care about my ex-wife more now after 4 years apart.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and commenting! How are you doing after 4 years?

@mussersbowsboatsandscience6610

Жыл бұрын

@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach better than the first two, it was hard.

This actually sounds like a great idea to me. 🤔

Most people just want connection, companionship, and sex after a relationship. Just make sure you tell the other people you are getting involved in you are not capable of entering another long term relationship at the moment and see if they will be OK with you stringing them along.

I need to be careful and don't want to enter a rebound relationship. My codependat ex wife left me after 17 years of marriage. I have seen what hell looks like and slowly returning.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

10 ай бұрын

That's a great awareness to have. It is easy to slip into a new relationship and end up repeating the same patterns that draw you back into a similiar situation as your marriage. Being conscious of that risk can make a huge difference in how your show up. What does your own internal healing work look like right now? What do you think you need to do in order to be ready for a healthy relationship?

another reason someone might choose to have sex sooner rather than later is to dissolve the shared fantasy from a narcissistically abusive relationship. this may sound like It’s meant to help your self-esteem and validate the person having sex, however it’s more about destroying the illusion a narcissist has created.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

That's an interesting reason. I don't want to pry and you certainly don't have to share more... but I'm curious as to how effective this is. Can you speak to that at all? I imagine it may depend on the individual and the way their brain is working/making associations to some extent.

@markgamache6377

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach It's a different reason, but also fraught with issues, so I mostly agree with your take, just wanted to add another dimension: (I am *not* credentialed, but here's my understanding of the unique situation for a narc/codependent pairing) You have co-idealized co-parentified with your partner (creating Edan and then kicking you out). Your partner has devalued and discarded you. You want to return to equilibrium and your partner is not available. This is compounded by the fact that sex is a frequent (universal) tool in these toxic relationships. Sex, being a key source of shame will be one of the first avenues explored. Issues: 1) cheating with another narcissist will succeed and be really fulfilling in the first weeks or months. Obviously you wouldn't knowingly move from one to another, but how many people really understand this dynamic when it's personal? Ultimately, not a solution. 2) Many narcs encourage their partners to cheat as part of the discard, so cheating will certainly help expedite the emotional separation, but will ultimately result in a poor outcome, because you are being manipulated for a humiliating end. I know you said after a divorce, but really for the divorced when is the relationship really over? 3) Another problem is that the 'relationship' with a narcissist is characterized by a lack of emotional intimacy. Recreational sex will recreate that same lack of emotional connection so is not fulfilling or results in personal growth. 4) One area it might help is with catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is a characteristic of the narc/co-dependent relationship. You'll never find anyone besides me, etc... It *might* help with that. Bottom line is that anyone that is sufficiently co-dependent is treading on a minefield of bad choices, where the person choosing has a history of making bad decisions. Also, if the person is a codependent they will find all these 'relationships' with normal women a drab and boring dead end. So yes, the most mature path forward is not through someone else's bedroom.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@markgamache6377 thank you for taking the time to elaborate on this and share this perspective. I found it really fascinating and helpful, I'm sure others will too!

No.

I'm very physically fit, rather attractive, confident, comfortable with women, good in bed, social, and yet I haven't had any romantic involvement whatsoever with a woman since the divorce 25 years ago. I've tried too. Zero. And I like myself. I don't need to "heal". Thoughts on that?

I'll never be with anyone again (sexually or otherwise). I'm done. She broke me. She didn't want me anymore.

It's only temporary relief...

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately I think you're right. I wish it was as simple as 'have sex and then you'll be fine' but our emotional systems just don't work that way.

@aprilchow-chee5281

11 ай бұрын

Exactly

Good answer lol ...

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Chris. And thanks for watching.

Yes it will , cuz every women it’s the same and offers the same table

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

Do you honestly think all women are the same?

5 years on i can't even get sex :(

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Martin, I'm sorry. It sounds like things haven't been going well. Do you have any support in working through all this?

It really is dehumanizing imagining your freshly ex wife being with another man!

@anthonyharmon9265

5 ай бұрын

Nah, the fools can have her. Mine was horrible in bed, like a cold dead fish. I feel sorry for the next guy, she cant do anything without being drunk so hope he likes the cold, dead, drunk fish 😂

@stevenkovler5133

Ай бұрын

It’s awful. Especially since I turned her into a dynamo. Having sex with my ex was like being with a porn star. I keep picturing her with other men. She was a gorgeous Shapley black woman.

I only want my ex wife back … I filed and I will never for myself for leaving hers. We had bad problems but they were getting better. I have her name on my chest and never want to remove it !

Had sex 7 years after my last break up 10 years ago... I was more into the ceiling. I just don't see the point of even giving women any of my attention and energy anymore. Time is important and they waste a lot of it for little to nothing of value if not outright removing value just for their own personal benefit. I'm just to the point where I would not even give the lint out of my pocket to a starving woman near a homeless shelter. They had their chance back when I was a worthless 20 something with "potential," while going around chasing the top 20%. It's nature, I understand. Just don't know how to deal with that resentment given I was raised to be traditional and there was someone for everyone. Yeah... I think the black hole is there to stay.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment. Resentment is a tricky thing. It's been my experience that to deal with it effectively you usually have to go underneath it and process a fair amount of pain/hurt/grief/loss, and then come back around to the resentment itself. I wish I had an easier answer than that (like - go get laid and it will all be better) but obviously that doesn't work. I don't know if you've done any therapy/counseling or coaching, but you may find it helpful to get some support in processing the pain. I think that will go a long way towards getting some movement in the black hole.

@trentreffner5699

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach perhaps women should do some of that socialism thing on THEIR end and put some of their hard earned money into taxes to incentivize more male therapists to enter the field. Why would I trust therapists when 90%+ of them are women and women are the issue? I don't even trust mom's advice anymore with how much it has been detrimental to my life. That is where the pain resides. Everybody within society go together and told me a lie... Even my own mother. Nice guys don't finish last. They don't finish at all. And now I'm a villain.

@EmpathicMan

7 ай бұрын

@@trentreffner5699 Good thing is, that the internet provides much advice from men targeted at men for free. Always take it with a grain of salt but it helps separating the available (female) coaches in those re-phrasing their female narrative of the world and those reflected enough to critically re-evaluate and re-thing it empowering them to provide sound and reflected advice for relationships (as you may get on this channel - I will check out some more videos by Rachel Sloan).