"I'd egg their house" - This is why you're the best. So supportive

@keelyevans7692

3 жыл бұрын

😂

My ex was emotionally abusive towards me and at times when he had too much to drink he would be physically abusive towards me. When I left him he tried to kill me. I've pressed charges against him and have a restraining order. I'm also planning to file a civil suit against him for medical bills related to him trying to kill me along with emotional distress. I want to make sure he has consequences for what he did to me.

I confronted my abuser after 20 years of no contact. He was a part of my extended family and stayed with us for a few years. thats when he took advantage of me. I would say it really helped me and made me feel so much more powerful. I think it helped me get my power back. It did take an insane amount of courage, and i must mention ive done atleast 5 years of healing with therapists and childhood regressions to come to a point where the memories dont trigger me as much. If youre planning on doing this, I'd suggest you do some work with how you handle guilt before you confront them. Also work through it with a therapist so that the emotions related to the incident are more or less diffused and less triggering. And when you do it, be headstrong with a no bullshit attitude. I hope this helps and i hope you feel better

@JessicaHarmina

3 жыл бұрын

I'm currently going through this. How did you get past the fear of having to confront him?

@rababkhursheed

3 жыл бұрын

@@JessicaHarmina I thought of doing it quite a few times before actually doing it. It took me a couple of years to move from the place of fear to anger and empowerment. I would suggest you work on what the fear is first, don't do it if you are afraid 😟

@rababkhursheed

3 жыл бұрын

@@JessicaHarmina it's about dissecting the fear with someone trusted like a therapist and seeing that it wasn't your fault, hence why to be afraid?

@mod8054

11 ай бұрын

Omg!!!! I just did it!!!!!

Talking to the person who abused you is a waste of time. I strongly believe it’s best to protect your mind and wellbeing. The abuser is afraid of the truth, they will deny what happened and verbally abuse you for confronting them. They lack empathy and understanding. Focus upon healing and making a good life for yourself. Time will catch up the abuser. One day they will have to give an account of there evil actions to God in judgement!!!

Am I the only one that feels better after some form of petty revenge?

@hoodpriestessphilosophy7669

4 жыл бұрын

I thought I would, but that feeling isn't enough.

@jayviolet7480

2 жыл бұрын

I do the same thing.. It doesnt help me in my case, it just makes me think about it more and i just stop doing what im doing bc im not that kind of person 😭💔

I'm living proof that confronting your abuser can be healing. After I let that SOB know how I felt about what he did to me & that I think he's a disgusting waste of crap, I started changing for the better. It was like I was coming out of my cocoon after decades. I felt better about myself, I lost over 40 pounds & started doing more activities & just enjoying life more, in general.

For me, its releasing responsibility about a secret Its no longer my responsibility to keep their secret

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH for taking the time to answer my Q!! I appreciate it so much -your advice and support means so so much to me so Thankyou very much. I will try not to keep doing this behaviour and wanting to confront him and concentrate on myself getting better. Your amazing Thankyou again it means so much to me xxx *****

@myghostspeaks154

7 жыл бұрын

ghostspeaking.com emma! (i'm emma too...) read Facing My Giants on my blog...just confronted my abuser...it was intense, scary, anticlimactic...but GOOD and freeing. Thanks for being a sis from another miss. :)

Confronting them helps a little to know that at least you stuck it to them. But most of the time the abusers are such cowards they will gaslight or deny what they've done, so it can be frustrating and confusing for the abused. The biggest realisation is when you realise that its more about them and not you. Abuse is a way for people to dislodge or cope with thir own emotional turmoil by using an easy target to achieve that temporary relief. So it wasnt you, it was them being unable to deal with their own issues. Which is why most of the time they don't even remember the events since they're stuck in their own heads. Check out a really insightful website by Jim Hopper who specialises in all this. Remember you're not a victim, THEY are the ones with real issues.

I've watched your videos for a little while now and every one I watch helps me a little more :) thank you for this video

It is very tempting to go to your abuser and make him feel as sh**t as he is and as bad as he deserves so they know how they made us feel... It is really hard having been through abuse, you feel used and diminished, the abuse is precisely the fact that they didn’t treat you the way you deserve, the person rolled over you, you want to do the same... now the question is, how to forgive the unforgivable??

I’m so happy that I came across this video. I was recently contacted by the police department of the town that I grew up in. My abuser is about to be released after serving 8 years in prison. In order to keep him in jail, I and several others have been asked to give a statement about what happened to us. This was a few months ago, and i have been petrified ever since. He was expected to plea by the end of June. I haven’t heard anything, and I have no idea what’s going on other than the fact that there are two charges for myself and 3 total for three others. I too feel sympathy for him, as his behaviors are pervasive and he’s been offending his entire adult life. This is his second time in prison since I was a child, and I am now almost 30. I have been seeing a therapist for about 3 years who has diagnosed me with a dissociative disorder, and i have been working very hard to stay grounded and to move forward with my life. I honestly thought that I was the only one who felt badly for their abuser, but I am glad that I am not alone in this. My question is, how do I deal with the fear of not knowing what will happen?

@juliaostlund9360

3 жыл бұрын

This comment is from 2 years ago but I really hope you're doing well and thriving. You deserve all the love in the world

PLEASE KEEP TALKING ABOUT DISSOCIATION. I’ve dissociated for longer than I can remember from tremendous abuse throughout my childhood. It’s not spoken about ENOUGH. I’m 20 years old now, and I FINALLY started to feel my true feelings, recently, but it was the most terrifying yet BEST experience. I started dissociating again from a crisis.

Hey kati yesterday I sat with my mum and asked her a question about my past in a very calm positive manner regarding my sister and someone else, we both got clarification on the situation without me being triggered I was proud. But I needed to know these things I was unclear on and I wanted my mum to know the things she was unaware of! Good job:D xoxo

You are so incredibly brave. This another step forwsrd. I am part of Lamplighters. I can relate, but I had very negative reaction to confronting my perp.

Thank you for this video! Because my gut feeling tells me it is not a good idea to have to confront the perpetrator again! Family members I come out about it continue to tell me to confront him now that I am an adult! No because I was forced to confront him when I come out to my grandmother about it! He denied it all and acted shocked! My grandmother and mother decided to tell me to let it go, forgive and forget! Treat him like he didnt do anything! I blamed myself about it all and thought I was the one that was destroying the family! It took me alot to come out about it at all!

Your the second person who said not to confront the abuser. I confronted mine who was my oldest brother who verbally, mentally and physically abused me as a child. It was of course when I was ready. It was the best thing I ever did. I wasn’t expecting anything from it just that closure for myself. It was peaceful and by text and I never looked back. I believe there are steps in confronting someone especially if it’s toxic. I don’t agree that you should bottle up or write things down, for me that’s nothing. I guess it’s what works for the individual and depending on the abuse.

@AutisticJoker

2 жыл бұрын

I would like to do that to, but what if he makes fun of what i wrote, should i go and beat the shit out of him.

Thank you for helping me :)

Idk where else to put this but I confronted my abuser (kind of???) and it almost makes me feel like I’m stirring up drama, but I just want to win an argument against her for once. I need closure

I was going to court with my abuser. Everything was all ready, he went before the judge and refused to plead guilty. He agreed to show up to court. I was anxiously waiting for weeks. Finally on the day of, I dressed neatly, and went to the courthouse. A lot of people were there, they had a jury picked and everything. Me, my mom and my sister were all waiting in this room to the side of the court room where everything was taking place. There were a ton of people in there. It was about to start and then my lawyer came in and told me that HE FLED! He just didn't show up and they couldn't find him. That was a few months ago so yeah he is still out there...

@SnugglyFruit

6 жыл бұрын

Laura Faith mind if I ask for updates? I hope it's been great since you last wrote this.

@carolynmcmillan7083

5 жыл бұрын

Laura Faith I hope they found him and he faced court with. Enhanced behaviour.

How the heck do you confront an abusive family member? Do you just avoid and leave?

@TheDudeWithDaCowbell

4 жыл бұрын

You leave the home first. You need to leave the home even if you dont confront

thx for this awesomely ha bisky vid and i think my mom called to get me out of jury duty before i love these Q and As so much learning is fun

Definitely confront through law and personally if law is not available. You show you're in control now

It's not so black and white. It depends on the abuser. I confronted one of my abusers and it WAS healing because that abuser was apologetic and took accountability. But that was the best case scenario. I know it doensn't always go like that and can be very re-traumatising.

@a_little_demon

Ай бұрын

so it's basically russian roulette.

#katifaq can you do some more videos on dissociation please. Also I've asked before but do you know anything about non epileptic disorder? It has a large part of dissociation in it. I want mine to go it has got so so much better but it's still there! Thanks XOXOX

Wow thanks

I'm afraid to confront my father about his abuse not only in my childhood but through my life and though I now do not live in the same state as him. I still visit them. Inevitably at some point during my visit he ends up hurting my feelings or being a complete asshole. Before I moved 2 years ago I worked for him and he was an absolute brute to me and I quit and moved. I don't know how to get over what he did to me growing up but I don't know how to deal with all the mental mess I have as an adult. I still have flashbacks of when he would be especially abusive to me as a kid and it totally leaves me in a mess of tears. I'm tired of feeling this way, im tired of going through depression, I am tired of living a fearful life because I have zero self esteem. IF you could answer this would be very helpful or point me in the direction I need to go. I have no insurance and my husband is the only one working. thanks

@karagraham9764

5 жыл бұрын

OrbitalAngel Nebula Look into cptsd

@stanstankov9153

4 жыл бұрын

Confront him ,lay it out ...imagine he’s in the room and talk to him..or do it over the phone and make sure you have very strong mental and emotional support to back you up afterwards..

I have pushed an abuser out of my life who is in my immediate family. This person hurt me a lot when I was young and I got away and stayed away for a while. Then things seemed to be better so I slowly let them back in, but each time I have let them back in it always starts out ok then escalaids and starts to head in the direction of when I was a kid. So I finally asked them to leave one last time and haven't had any contact with them in several months. Is this ok to just not talk to them or have any contact with them. I have no desire to be near them at all.

I was able to be uncomfortable in therapy and talk about the ugly.. but why does she tear up just a little when I tell my story?

I just did :D I asked them to give my mom back an old photo book (probably not gonna happen) but I still tried and that’s what matters to me! I scared him shaking 7-10 years for molesting a child (me) it felt great tbh!!

The person who abused me WAS a therapist. Not going to try that again. This person is still in business 50 years later. I wrote once, 10 years later. I feel like writing again, or leaving a review. But I'm afraid this person might take revenge for that. I don't normally spend a lot of times thinking about this therapist, but then, some issues in the pandemic have triggered intense flashbacks and disrupted my life.

Good on you

First off, I want to thank you for doing what you are doing. There is nothing more important than self help! I disagree with your answer you provided with confronting your abuser. First off the response was confronting, not lashing out. You shouldn't lash out at anyone. As far as confronting goes, you first need to identify the type of abuse. If its physical abuse than you should remove yourself from the situation and toxic individual. If its emotional abuse, which I could argue can be more damaging than physical abuse, you must confront the person in the moment. If you don't stand up for yourself than no one will! After being a victim of emotional abuse I can testify and say that it wont stop or get better until you call out the abuse that is taking place and dismiss it. I am not talking about lashing out at someone because they abused you. (i.e. Abuser: "Where were you? Why are you home so late? I needed you to do this! You are so worthless!" Response: "I don't mind you asking what I was doing but I am late because I had to work late. I don't like to be called worthless. Don't ever talk to me like that again. If you are upset about something we can respectfully work through it together.") My point is that it is very important to confront your abuser or the abuse will continue. Sometimes people get so caught up in themselves that they don't even realize that they are being emotionally abusive. You almost need to respond to them like you would a child and call out the obvious. If the person continues the abuse then it might be time to leave that toxic person and don't look back. Edit: After reading the description I see the abuse question was related to sexual abuse. I didn't realize that when I wrote the comment above but I would consider that physical abuse of the worst kind. If a person is still struggling with that then I would advise therapy. Its important to focus on dealing with your emotions through expression and not to cover them up. Work on being able to identify good behavior and surround yourself with it!

Hey Kati! Question 2 helped a lot but I have a follow up question with it... What if it was a form of incest with a close sibling and it has NEVER been brought up. Who do I talk to first and what would I say! Both "children" at the time but the abuser was old enough (12ish) to understand what he was doing wrong.

***** I'd love another video on dissociating. I think it could be helpful/interesting to maybe talk about the different levels or kinds of dissociating. For example, sometimes I have felt like I'm in a movie and everything is happening and being said because it's "scripted". And other times I've almost felt like my hands/arms aren't mine? If that makes sense. And I've heard you and other people mention that whole thing where it feels like you're almost floating above your body but I don't think I have ever personally experienced that. Also, in your answer to the first question, you said that sounds like a really simplistic way of explaining something that's really difficult...I agree that it's a simple explanation, but it's not one I would have necessarily thought of on my own. Sometimes I think it's the simplest answers that are the most helpful.

@EmmaCupcake

9 жыл бұрын

I've had this weird experience since I was little that my arms /legs sometimes my whole body either shrinks down to the size of a grain of salt or expands so I fill up my whole room and I'm squashed against the 4 walls in my bedroom. It's really strange. It's like I'm not in my body, Do u think this is depersonalisation or something like that? Have u had any experiences like that??

I confident my abuser but I thought was my fault. But he denied it and now he's dead and I can't do nothing about it

#katifaq HI Kati, My therapist is SO QUICk to mention a higher level of care. I'm doing such hard work and of course there are growing pains and of course i may even get worse before i get better and i know she knows that and yet every time i backslide for a second she brings it up as a possibility. I'm WORKING here, and i can't be threatened with a higher level of care every second i struggle! Ps seeing a different therapist isn't an option I've been seeing her 7 years and value her opinion but i don't agree on this, how can i get her to back off on this without insulting her as a professional??

If one chooses too ONLY recognize one emotion such as "happy thoughts" and completely ignore the other emotions and feelings is that considered a level of dissociating or is that something different because though you have only one feeling its still an emotion. This is kind if confusing but basically like most people when I'm stressed I simply shove all the yucky feelings further and further down and ignore them as if there not there but then when I do open up and become vulnerable its like a wave of negative sad mad anxious emotions that come up. So by this example I would think that one could dissociate a single feeling? Such as I don't like fear so Im going to ignore in or I don't want to seem weak so I don't cry. So while they feel other emotions they dissociate the others? Sorry the wordings weird I'm going on 3 hrs of sleep

@CarlybutreallyBATMANBraverman

9 жыл бұрын

I'm certainly not an expert but I have a lot of personal experience with dissociating. I would *GUESS* that what you are describing sounds a bit more like avoidance than dissociating. But I could be wrong. Dissociating, in my experience, is your brain's way of "removing" you from everything, not just one thing. It can be triggered by one thing, but then you're sort of numb to everything...if that makes sense? I would recommend checking out Kati's videos on dissociating and avoidance. If you youtube search "Kati Morton Dissociating" and "Kati Morton avoidance" it should come up. I hope this helps!

i just had confrontation with someone, im not feeling good and relaxed now. but hell theres gotta be some positives about it.

@rababkhursheed

3 жыл бұрын

standing up for yourself when you havent been doing a ton of it in the past is hard. go you! you did the right thing

@MrUnder30seconds

3 жыл бұрын

@@rababkhursheed thanks, interesting name, where are you from?

@rababkhursheed

3 жыл бұрын

@@MrUnder30seconds I'm from India. But my name is inspired from Persia

@MrUnder30seconds

3 жыл бұрын

@@rababkhursheed Do you live in India or elsewhere?

#katifaq I have a question and not sure if you will ever see this. How can you heal from past sexual abuse? I was abused from age 8-12 by my brothers. I am now 28 and still struggle with it. I've been in and out of counseling for about 13 years. When I was in high school I confronted one of my brothers about it. His response was ``it takes two to tango.`` What is wrong with me, will I ever be okay? How can you help the flash backs from happening so much? Plz help :(

You got great toned arms wow :)

I got out of jury duty by telling the judge I was schizophrenic. (It was a part of a previous DX... but has since changed to bipolar...) The judge acted like he didn't care and told me to go back to my seat. I had kind of a sh..ty grin the entire time as I was kind of entertained by the situation. Toward the end the judge said something to the guys making the selection and then they made eye contact with me and I knew then I was out. Well... I thought it was entertaining but I may be easily amused...

I wish there had been more empathy in the part where your speaking about ex abusers. I'm currently considering talking to someone who hurt me in the past. He's a good guy.. sees himself as a good guy.. 90% of the time is a good guy. And those 10% he's a consent violator, but he doesn't understand that. I proposed speaking, having a conversation to explain. But now I'm doubting myself. He didn't seek this... I was just triggered because I moved onto an old phone and reread his nice messages which lead upto the incidences. It helped reframe it from just a bad situation. But it did ultimately lead to me feeling betrayed and having nonconsentual sex. But when I told him this before it was a shock to him and we haven't spoken since. Just cut me out and I deleted his number ect. I wanted to be able to talk and offer him a chance to see it from someone else's view point, hear why it wasn't consentual. I can't be the only person who gets to understand their abusers and give them chance to grow. I don't feel they can hurt me more than they already have. So why not give them a chance to recognise their toxic behaviour

@shellym1736

3 жыл бұрын

Totally understand. Relatable. Hun, please stay away from making him understand anything. They know themselves too well. Take love! ❤️

Not necessarily, if the person has a spectacularly large level of power, narcissism and sadism (it’s only spectacular for them) then the chances of you being able to get them to leave you alone actually change in the opposite direction, they get on this bent for making sure it’s you and not them who gets destroyed, if they are all three of those things the odds are stacked that they make it their life’s goal to ruin yours. The only thing you can do to confront that level of monster is to get a restraining order and make sure they end up regretting the mistake they have made. Now if you are in my situation where it’s not a certainty that they go to prison or even end up leaving the home you have to occupy WITH THEM then the answer becomes a question and that question is “Do I really want to stay with a person who would do all this horrible shit to me?” If the next answer is no, then consider a gun, consider not using that gun, but also tell them that you have it and if they don’t leave you alone that little gun will be pressed to their little personal parts and there will be one round in the chamber for the one thing they prefer to keep. Yeah that’s intense but it’s either that or they eventually end up killing you. If the situation is dire, then dire methods are necessary. If the person is a woman however and she is still severely abusive consider this, tell her her big toe is coming off with a shot from that gun if she doesn’t stop abusing, molesting, assaulting, beating, attacking or doing any of those worst things to you. There shouldn’t be any discrimination from anyone and you shouldn’t have to put up with it, so don’t.

Confronted mine and he and his new girlfriend just laughed at me and said I was " F**king mental"

@bepalm544

8 ай бұрын

It takes courage to confront, focus on yourself now!

Even when it is a complete other person that reminds you hard times. Really to see them again or confront them with what they did to remind you. No word will be heared, only flattering, forgiveness, promisses. They'll go on and on and on. To get their agreements and understandings. Without feelings! Be carefull to confront sexual abusers. Even when you left during a fight. Rape means very guilty. So think of the escape your opponent will choose. Destroy or jail! Take some friends to take your stuff back. Eventually.

i find it helpful to rewrite a lot of situations and just come up with my own ending to things and just writing down everything like when i want to kill my sister writing down how i would do it helps (i have always ripped the papers up afterwards) so nobody knew i was doing that the last time i did that was probably in high school and i was talking to a friend (we would play obscure games and i remember one of my answers ended up being killing my sister and how i would do it) it was weird

I talk to my mom and she did not believe me and called my grandmom she told me to not say it no more because they would take my little brother

@ShutMeUpxProductions

4 жыл бұрын

You need to speak up no matter what happens to your abuser or who your abuser is.

Ghostspeaking.com - confronted my ABUSER! facing my giants...you can follow the puzzle pieces on my blog, but thank you thank you thank you to all you out there with your voices and your selves giving me strength when I was too scared....I was NOT ALONE...thank you all. :)

I disosate and when I do it I use they we or them should I be worried? Am I in danger of losing Tarien?

❤

❤U

Why do you support the people who go to court????????!! Isn’t that confronting