I had one child, who was born with a birth defect and an antibody deficiency. I went through a divorce and her father did not get any custody except he was allowed supervised visitation, which he did once or twice. I had to return to work, even though my daughter was sick - often. I wouldn't trade being a parent, hard as it was, for all the rice in the Orient. I had been told by the top pediatric immunologist in the country that my daughter wouldn't live to the age of 5. At 22 months one of her antibodies kicked in. She's 40 now, with 3 kids of her own, and a job. And I get to tell myself that I did good!

@hawihawi9260

2 жыл бұрын

Oh what a great story. Glad it worked out for your family.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

Amazing!

@cyna866

10 ай бұрын

🥹🥹🥹

@ngocduyennguyen3415

14 күн бұрын

That’s incredible! Shows the power of a mother’s love ❤

Dr. John did well here. Two men discussing why a woman 'should' have children is dangerous territory, and this had the potential to be Handmaids Tale-ish. Derek, your wife doesn't really want kids. If she did, she would have had them by now. Possibly she likes the *idea* of kids, but the realities are still a dealbreaker. Considering pregnancy, delivery and most of the childcare and housework will be on her shoulders, this is very understandable. Her life will completely change in every way. She has to *want* that change, and some people just don't.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

AND. . . . Here's the comment AGAIN: What about the affects of her childhood trauma? Even though John discussed the dynamic in great detail, few people in the comments have acknowledged the issue, much less responded productively. This lack of response definitely underscores the absence of, and the NECESSITY for education on this subject to society at large, and hopefully, this platform will be instrumental in doing just that. Hopefully. . .

@racpatrice

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this...I 'm a woman and I have NEVER had strong desires towards children. In the past, I never even thought about having them at all. Recently I would say maybe the last 3-4 years, on and off I found myself thinking about having a child, it's hard for me to process how I feel about that because I love having my freedom and I refuse to have a child unless I'm married to a man who is a provider husband, but even I see it would still be a struggle for me....sometimes I struggle with what I should do (have it because I'm literally an only child, only grandchild etc so the family line stops with me) vs what a big part of me wants to do which is have a traditional marriage with no children and adopt if the desire changes when we get older. As I read your comment, it made me think of myself, maybe I like the idea of a kid but the reality of it is still a dealbreaker for me.

@starrjohnson1327

2 жыл бұрын

@@racpatrice most of the people in my family are married with children. The pressure is on for me to do the same. I WILL NOT have children until I have a husband. I'm praying for myself and my future husband. A friend did this and met her husband. Before she did this, she had a fiance' die and another lied about wanting marriage. Be encouraged! God hasn't forgotten about you❤

@AimeePoppinBabies

Жыл бұрын

Its not an easy decision because a woman has to trust her partner a lot and some men wont stand up to help. Its very dangerous territory. Many people have kids thinking it will fix a relationship for some reason. Children make a relationship more difficult so you really have to want to be able to take that risk with your partner. For a man its easy because they dont have to do anything. I completely understand this womans point of view because the woman ends up doing everything. 😐

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

Then he should divorce her because she's keeping him from attaining something he deems meaningful.

Oh I'm so glad someone was honest about this. I feel the same, the fear of the body change, the responsibility of a child etc is valid. We should be able to express these concerns.

@weekendnomad5038

Жыл бұрын

And then the man will have the audacity to be like “you aren’t the vibrant woman I fell in love with” well no sht. I’m taking care of babies! Then they can just leave you. It’s really not worth it. I’m 7 months pregnant and terrified. Men aren’t sht

@Aris-Darling

8 ай бұрын

Absolutely.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Body change for real. How superficial. You can get your body back

Women have no guarantee that their partner will put in the same effort. Women carry so much of the burden, men have to have something to offer- financial stability, emotional support, help with the baby, household duties, etc. Caring for a baby is a lot, but i would love to be a mom if i had the right support from my partner. It really sucks.

@hashashin1113

2 жыл бұрын

My wife and I have a one year old and after seeing all my peers and them not having kids, it boils down to two big problems to me. One, they don't want the added responsibility. I cant even convince come of them to just try and change a poo diaper. Lol the second problem is the lack of support from their husband's. Not necessarily that they think they'll walk out, but they don't know how much help they will be. Having a kid is a leap of faith to some extent, but both parents need to be on board at least for it to have a chance.

@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788

Жыл бұрын

@Reese B this is not about the boring war of sexes and the absurd question of what do men or women bring to the table. It's about the daily practicalities needing to be supported by both and it seems that women's burden is too high. Household responsibility as in maintenance, cleaning, tidying, cooking, paying bills and all the rest need to be near to equal at least. Once she is pregnant she needs to be supported in a very different way and more actively by the partner. And once she gives birth, she needs proper care too, not only the child. Giving birth is incredibly strenuous for the body and the mind. I don't think some men acknowledge this.

@TheQueenIsWithin

Жыл бұрын

@Reese B Do you live in reality? You think risking your life to bring a child here is less of a burden than what a man does?

I think the wife doesn't want kids, and It's not all about her job. This is not a bad thing. It's okay not to have kids and be an extra good aunt/uncle and dog mom/dad.

@janelleg597

2 жыл бұрын

Stop with glorifying dang dog parents. Said as an animal lover, there is no comparison between dogs and a child you created with your partner.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@janelleg597 He DIDN'T compare dogs and kids. He said it's OK NOT TO HAVE KIDS, and to be a good aunt or uncle or dog parent instead. Read the comment again.

@jakem6076

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 Thanks Stella. I am not anti child. Just some people aren't meant to have children. Not all children are blessings. Do you watch the news?

@wazup80

2 жыл бұрын

Agreed. There are many ways to form a family.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@jakem6076 I couldn't agree with you more! ( And I try to avoid the news at all costs ).

This is why you have got to talk about having kids before you're married. I talked about this relatively early with my fiance and I am so glad I did.

@Sunset1705

2 жыл бұрын

They did...but things got put off and feelings ideas changed. That's life. Nothing is guaranteed.

@ezekiel002

Жыл бұрын

Guess what, one of you might changes his mind and you'll have to either accept it or walk away, and have people telling you that "it's life, and it's his/her right". Don't take things for granted, trust me. I made the same reasoning as you.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Thank you. Unless she lied to get him and marry him. I’ve known men that did this

@ngocduyennguyen3415

14 күн бұрын

My husband lied to me

If both spouses don't have a burning desire to have kids they shouldn't. Once it comes out you can't pit back. Shes not ready and could be using the fear as an excuse.

I don’t think I could’ve married someone who really wanted kids in good conscience.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Yup

This should have been discussed between them before marriage

@paulaaquino

2 жыл бұрын

This!!☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻

@Thecraftyblacksheep

2 жыл бұрын

100% agree

@Kevin.Grindel

2 жыл бұрын

She has been telling him she wants kids

@carlaritchie331

2 жыл бұрын

It seems the "WHEN" was left unclear and one's explanation is different than the other.

@Sunset1705

2 жыл бұрын

It was discussed. But life happens, feelings change, and sometimes you just put something off due to subconscious under the surface feelings while not really realizing what's happening until it's too late.

I could never have kids. I’ve suffered with depression on and off since I was 13 or 14 and I realized I would never want to be parent at 16. 10 years later my decision is still the same if not even more so. Life is stressful enough trying to take care of myself, I don’t need another one to worry about. I would never to want to risk having a child thinking they were the reason I would commit suicide if I was pushed to that point.

@bellman1094

2 жыл бұрын

This is so real and sad. I also have depression now and then. I’m 19 and can’t really see myself as a dad. But having children is like the biggest part of life. So I really don’t now what I will do in life.

@Sunset1705

2 жыл бұрын

I'm in the same boat. I don't think I could do it and I'm terrified I would be a terrible mother. It's something i've always wanted and always thought would happen but now at 32... it's clear that it probably won't (and shouldn't) happen. Similar to Derek, i'm starting to accept and grieve that loss.

@AMK544

2 жыл бұрын

You’re both still children. Grow up

@maam-yj8ph

2 жыл бұрын

This is my greatest fear. The intense guilt of realizing that I contributed to my theoretical kids' suffering on a personal level by either not being enough of a mentor or by negatively contributing to their physiologic make-up.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Def don’t have them if you feel this way

If you aren't willing to give up something to have kids then please don't have then. You will be giving up a lot. You get more then you give up in my opinion, though. Still, resentment should not be placed on a baby's shoulders.

@msi8311

2 жыл бұрын

Agreed. As someone who “took away years” off my moms life, just for being a kid, it’s best to only have kids if you want them more than anything.

@johnlopez7412

2 жыл бұрын

But who is saying she doesn't ever want kids? She is only 30, maybe in another 3 or 4 years she will be ready and wanting a kid.

@murkakurka5986

2 жыл бұрын

What do you mean by getting more than u give up when having kids?

@kathyalex778

Жыл бұрын

@@murkakurka5986 The joy of watching them grow and learn and becoming amazing people who make a positive difference in the world. You create something beautiful when you start a family and raise healthy children that have a good self image.

@murkakurka5986

Жыл бұрын

@@kathyalex778 thank you for the detailed reply 👍, its more clear now for me.

Wife and I never had kids. No regrets.

What if the child has special needs? Then she possibly can't do both. It's wise to be cautious, especially in this day and time.

@ineedhoez

Жыл бұрын

Nobody talks about this!!!!

We were married for 10 years before we had our first child. We were career driven and both traveled constantly. I was terrified of the commitment of motherhood. When people would inquire, my standard response was "I can sell my house or car, change jobs, even divorce my husband, but motherhood is a lifetime commitment." We had two boys when the desire for children outweighed our phobias. The rest, navigating and compromising our way through career and lifestyle choices was much easier than expected. The key for us was when being parents became the priority, a major brain/soul sift 10 years in the making.

@johniii8147

2 жыл бұрын

Not every woman has a desire to have children

@carlaritchie331

2 жыл бұрын

I definitely see many advantages in waiting instead of rushing into parenthood commitments!

@apracity7672

2 жыл бұрын

@@carlaritchie331 that might be true, but there are also major disadvantages for waiting

@ineedhoez

Жыл бұрын

Agreed.

@jesstheromantic

2 ай бұрын

Would you have been content if it never happened? What about your husband?

She's not wrong. Her body will change forever. I was 100 pounds when I had my huge baby and even when I went back down to 100 pounds I had pretty horrendous stretch marks. the baby even dislocated my ribs and I have physical damage that has never healed even 22 years later. Women are demonized for not having a perfect body. Actresses in the industry get plastic surgery, which is also not without complications.

@whitneyanders5945

Жыл бұрын

A friend of mine is a former Olympic swimmer so very, very fit. Even so, having a child fractured her pelvis and she still suffers to this day. She says she has ‘boy hips’ (she is very tall and slim) so not a lot of room for a baby. So yeah, you can still be super fit and not bounce back to the level you once were. Another woman I know only had one child and ended up with a vaginal prolapse that required surgery and she will never birth another due to the fear she has of something going wrong. My sister in law ended up with gestational diabetes during her second pregnancy and now has a 1 in 2 chances of developing type 2 diabetes during her lifetime. Another woman I know had a fourth degree tear due to the size of the baby - she was ripped from hole to hole. My old work colleagues daughter in law was only 23 when she dropped dead at home only days after having her second child. Child birth can be very risky so it is no wonder for many it is absolutely terrifying.

@nowandthennn

2 ай бұрын

@@whitneyanders5945A lot of the complications comes from having an epidural. A woman cannot feel when she needs to start pushing with an epidural and if she starts pushing when her body isn’t ready it can cause great harm . Not having an epidural doesn’t take away all risks , but it certainly can eliminate a few risks . My niece has back problems from having two epidurals that she will probably suffer with the rest of her life . I wish they could come up with an alternative.

Pregnancy can be an aspect of life that is very scary. It's different for all different women. Every pregnancy for the same woman is different. It has been somewhat recent that women or their baby or both died from the strain of giving birth/being born. Many women die within 24 hours of giving birth to their baby with no indicators, with sudden onset of the cause. Add to this, the post-natal recovery, the permanent changes to the body. Pregnancy, labor & delivery IS a scary thing.

Having children is a sacrifice. You're either willing to sacrifice your life as you know it or not. Having children is not for everyone and we owe it to ourselves and our partner to be clear about which way we decide to go.

Not wanting kids is not a broken state to fix.

@elyse443

7 ай бұрын

Thank you. 👏👏👏

I don't blame her, the entertainment business is competitive, cut throat, and she's just trying to make her way!

I thought I was tooo immature to have kids till my husband turned 40 and said the baby would think he was grandpa 👴! I was 33!! I then had a miscarriage and then I desperately wanted a baby! We had one wonderful daughter and she was/is the best thing that ever happened to us!

I chose to be child free as early as eight years old. I just wasn't the motherly type, the girly type. I do best on my own. Some of us just don't want society to dictate what we do with our own bodies and lives. I never married and I was upfront that my career is me - just like a man.

@KidCity1985

2 жыл бұрын

Most men want kids. I was and am very successful in business but having kids was wonderful beyond compare. That being said, I fully support your decision.

@susieare

2 жыл бұрын

I have never been a girly girl or felt motherly until I had my first child (unexpected pregnancy). Turns out the instincts kicked in hard and now being a mother is the best thing in the world :) I'm not saying you made the wrong choice, but if you ever start to change your mind, don't be afraid. You'll be an awesome mother. Motherhood doesn't have to be a soft, feminine thing. I hope I can impart discipline, creativity, drive and determination to my boys.

@KidCity1985

2 жыл бұрын

@@susieare us non girly girls make the best moms, we teach our boys to be strong.

@razmiddle9410

2 жыл бұрын

That's nice? It has nothing to do with the caller's problems. Why did you feel the need to bring it up?

@BrettGarner17

2 жыл бұрын

That’s sad and against gods will hopefully you change or become a nun

I hate the expectations placed on women in the entertainment industry to look a certain way. It's toxic and causes undue stress to women's mental health.

@msi8311

2 жыл бұрын

Not every woman in acting is a size 2 or looks like a model.

@whitneyw.7919

2 жыл бұрын

It's not just women in the entertainment industry, it's all women to a large degree. Same for men, but to a much lesser degree

@sueblack5794

2 жыл бұрын

eh...I hate more the pressure put on women to have kids and give birth. This is for ALL women, not just actresses.

@wijcik

2 жыл бұрын

@@sueblack5794 Men don't have wombs. Do you mean the pressure to raise them? I'm not following what you mean and want to understand.

@sueblack5794

2 жыл бұрын

@@wijcik Women are pressured by society, especially religion, to have babies. Even if they don't want kids, to become pregnant, they are pressured to have kids and get married. Jsut to fit in and that is what you are supposed to do. The caller, the man, sounds he himself is pressuring his wife to have them as an example when she keeps saying no.

There should be one rule when it comes to bringing another person into the world. DON'T do it - unless you want it more than anything else in the world. Better to be a parental figure through alternate means than have a kid you aren't willing to put 100% of yourself into.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Unfortunately, accidents happen, and nobody has a crystal ball.

@b.1162

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 An accident is tripping over your own feet, it is not deliberately doing an act that has a known outcome of creating another person, someone you are fully responsible for, that you do not fully want. But that's an argument of semantics. It's a pipe dream to think people could ever take that many precautions. What really matters is what happens after. And forcing parenthood (through whatever means) is definitely not it.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@b.1162 So. . . .there has NEVER been an unexpected, unplanned, unwanted, or forced pregnancy in the history of the World? Come on, let's talk in actual, REALISTIC terms here.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 I don't believe in that anymore after getting pregnant myself. Women have fertile days and a fertile window. If you calculate your cycle which every woman should, you will know when you have 0% chance of getting pregnant. You can do this using an app. You can also take contraceptives to prevent. Accidents happen is just an excuse to evade responsibility. I got pregnant because I wanted to. I knew exactly what I was doing.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Absolutely.

Nice to hear two men talking about why a woman does not want to get knocked up at 30.

@Sunset1705

2 жыл бұрын

Don't make it political and don't make it male vs female. They're on the same team. Derek was trying to understand how to help his wife and grieve his own loss. Also, if she did express to him (as it sounds like they both had originally planned on it) that she wanted kids... he's not a bad person for still wanting kids... his thoughts and feelings about the situation are valid.

@pyewacketpeggy8329

2 жыл бұрын

@@Sunset1705 I just thought they were both a couple of jackasses .

By the time I turned 18 I knew I didn't want kids. Had a turbulent childhood, and saw how my mom was so dependent on men and felt stuck in bad marriages because she couldn't raise us alone. Decided that wasn't the life I wanted, not to mention I had zero maternal drive. I have always been up front with any man I was in a relationship with that children were never going to be an option.

@beesknees213

Жыл бұрын

Good for you!

@thorneto2742

Жыл бұрын

At 18 me and my wife (girlfriend at the time) both knew 100% that we would never have kids. We are in our mid 30s now and we’re not sure we made the right choice

@racheldemain1940

3 ай бұрын

I knew when i was 10 that i didn't want Children! I had a great Childhood. I just didn't want to be someone's Mum for the rest of my life. I also never did Babysitting or Children's work at Church. 53 now and no regrets.

I wonder if the caller would give up his career to take full care o the kids he longs for...

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Or consider getting morning sickness, postpartum depression, the risk of death from childbirth, the probability of being sexually abused/assaulted by "Doctors" during more frequent "examinations". . . oh yeah, doesn't seem so exciting any more. Just saying.

@emmarose6590

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 💯

@AMK544

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 L O L you’re delusional. It’s an infinitesimally SMALL number of women that die FROM childbirth. And btw you have the right to not even go to the doctor if you think they’re “assaulting” you 😂😂😂😂

@trainwreckaf

2 жыл бұрын

Seems like he probably would if he could.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

Why is he the bad guy when his wife previously agreed she wanted kids and no longer does? He has basically been suckered into a relationship that cannot fulfill him. If it were the other way around you'd be bashing the man.

Wow, this man loves his wife! He is an amazing man and it's refreshing to see someone who's willing to stick it through and be so committed.

@trainwreckaf

2 жыл бұрын

Too bad such an amazing man won't get a chance to be a father.

@reginasemenenko148

Жыл бұрын

@@trainwreckafmaybe he will.

@beefsupreme694

9 ай бұрын

He should find a woman who has true burning genuine desire for him, who sees him as "that dude" (maximises her hypergamy).If she did see him that way, all the career, trauma, fear of change BS would go out the window. She'd want a thousand of his babies. Unfortunately, it's extremely difficult to become "that dude" in a woman's eyes once she's already put him in a lower category..

@Lubby33152

11 күн бұрын

@@trainwreckafMajority of parenting is usually shoulder by the wife. I didn’t hear the husband say anything to lighten that load. I just heard him complaining that his wife won’t comply with his wishes to be a father but loves her so he’ll grieve not having one.

Both my wife and I were unsure about having children. She was certain she wouldn’t make a good mother because she didn’t have that “deep drive”. She was also terrified to get pregnant. After being married for a few years we decided to try. We ran into infertility issues. Eventually we went about as far as we could and put it in God’s hands. We were blessed with our son thats 2 right now and she LOVES being a mother. Lesson is do NOT only let fear dictate major life decisions.

@Susq15

2 жыл бұрын

This! I never thought of myself as a "kid person" and I now have seven children. I could not be more grateful.

@paulaaquino

2 жыл бұрын

I totally agree with you. People should not refrain from having children for being afraid. Some people, like myself, really have no wish or desires to bec6a parent... but not fear...

@susieare

2 жыл бұрын

1000000% agree! Great comment. I had a similar experience. I am now a contented mother of three boys :)

@LeahLynchBlog

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@johniii8147

2 жыл бұрын

That's not everyone's path.

I actually disagree with John on this one. There is a marked difference between choosing to have kids and the inevitable changes your body will go through with time. One is a choice, the other is just something that happens. I am also like this woman in that I want kids but am terrified of having them. That doesn't mean I don't want kids. It just means I have a lot of fear about them because of the horror stories that have been shoved down my throat.

@user-qp6se2tn4r

Жыл бұрын

Me too l wish l had enough money to pay for a women to have mine 😆

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Don’t listen to the stories your life will be your own not theirs.

Ppl can say that this convo should have happened before marriage but ppl also have a change of heart during marriage

I don’t blame her.. it’s dangerous.,Not to mention husband can just decide you aren’t the person they fell in love with anymore, cheat.. throw it all away. Like no sht I’m not life changed! Men are horrible

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Women can do the same thing. It’s the risk you take for love. Saying men are horrible isn’t very nice

wifey's priorities have changed; hubby needs to decide if he is willing to not be a father in this world and if not, he needs to end the marriage.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

And she should just snap her fingers and get over her trauma, right?

The first thing Dr. Delony said "so she doesn't want kids". He nailed it. If you want kids, nothing will stop you. Not your job, not your vanity, nothing. When you want it with all your heart, you don't care about any of that stuff.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

Absolutely. She needs to be honest and tell him so he find a lady that wants kids.

@Lubby33152

11 күн бұрын

That’s not true. I wanted a kid and went through hell to have her . But I was scared the entire time. Heck being a parent is signing up for a lifetime of worry. Loving your child is an all consuming experience. Didn’t have another because the fear of going through that again was just too terrifying.

I think he is way off on this one. I’m usually with him 100%. This girl obviously works at Disney or Universal. If she has a baby there is a huge chance she will never get to perform again which is what she has been training for her whole life. The best way around that is to develop skills around being more of an actor or singer and not a dancer. Even then there is a chance with weight limits, hight requirements etc. she still won’t be hired back. Love the way this husband is supporting his wife.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

So brushing up on other skills will heal her childhood trauma?

@torrerandel4124

2 жыл бұрын

I don’t think her fear of having kid is about her childhood trauma. I think her fear is about loosing everything she has trained her whole life for. At some point the desire to have kids will be greater than the desire to perform and that’s when she will be ready. That day may not come.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@torrerandel4124 So, she should just snap her fingers, and her PTS will magically disappear ?

@torrerandel4124

2 жыл бұрын

No Absolutely not. I don’t think it’s about that. If she has a baby she will likely loose her career.

@lmanderson2012

2 жыл бұрын

As a former performer, I agree. It's also weird to assume that the natural aging process is the same as the changes due to pregnancy. You have to have the right type of support and the funds for it to get your body back into performance shape. And for every successful woman who is able to do it, there are waayy more that just can't.

I chose not to have children. Best decision I ever made. ❤ Freedom never tasted so good! Enjoying life every minute.

I felt like I was holding my breath at the start of this, I was scared. Thank you, thank you for showing two men having a heartfelt and considerate conversation on this topic. My heart hurts for the guy calling in, you can hear in his voice that this is hard. But as a woman that relates to his wife I know that terror of not wanting to regret bringing a child into this world all too well. Thank you for validating her fears and for not automatically writing the relationship off. I hope this couple finds a place of peace with this ❤️

As someone who is a full time creative, I totally understand her concern. It’s extremely hard to make a living as a creative. Once you leave for a period of time, you can be replaced relatively easy. Competition is high. I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t want kids, I think it’s a huge fear of losing all the hard work she’s put into her career, as stopping work to care for a child probably feels like she’s going to have to start again. She’s afraid of losing herself in the process of becoming a mum.

@margaretwalsh8361

Ай бұрын

I’m glad you weighed in like this. This woman worked hard for her success. If she was a male performer or professional athlete this wouldn’t even be a conversation. She is valid for wanting both. Adoption? Surrogacy? Best to you

I wouldn't rush into something that has a high chance of killing me either. Hard Pass

@ladev91

Жыл бұрын

Might as well not leave the house either if you think like that. There are risks everywhere my guy! Can't live your life in fear.

@passivelyasking4825

11 ай бұрын

​@ladev91 Pregnancy is a choice you can avoid. Leaving your home is not for 99% of people.

@katemiller7874

Ай бұрын

It’s less than 1%

you know its completly fine not to have kids?

@deniseneuendorf3577

2 жыл бұрын

Of course it is. What is not fine is one spouse wanting them and the other not.

@Sunset1705

2 жыл бұрын

yes, it's fine, if that's what they decided before hand but they both expressed that they did want kids and are now having to reconcile that maybe not happening.

@lucindabreeding

2 жыл бұрын

@@Sunset1705 It's possible for people to plan to be parents before marriage, and then grow ambivalent afterward, especially if they're doing emotional, therapeutic work. Or if their relationship has matured and they are seeing marriage through more realistic lenses. This is one of those charged subjects where people want to penalize and even demonize honest ambivalence. The older I get, the more surprised I am to encounter people older than I am who aren't emotionally healthy. I know so many people working through wounds from their families of origin. I find myself wanting to "normalize" ambivalence about parenthood. There are too many people who want to become parents because they expect a baby to heal their wounds, instead of choosing parenthood and the work of rearing an emotionally healthy, independent person.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

@@lucindabreeding Only a childish person expects a baby to heal their wounds. People have children because they want to, not because they need to. Nobody actually needs to have a child.

'Everything changes and it's terrifying.* THIS!🙌🏿 We had our two and we're glad we took the plunge.

What a great husband this caller is. She’s a lucky lady. I Pray for their connection to survive and grow stronger through this.

I knew from the time I was young but I didn't want kids of my own and I never had any and I'm not sorry and I'm a lot older now not sorry I didn't have them

I was afraid of having a kid when looking back my intuition was telling me it’s not safe to do so, it’s the wrong dad. When it was the right dad the fear disappeared. So the problem could be the relationship itself not the career. Those reasons maybe just subconscious excuses that you tell yourself to justify why you feel strongly hesitant. It’s so funny how much effort you put into over analyzing the situation and coming up with “reasonable” reasons. Yet in another relationship you just want a baby/babies. Eg maybe she doesn’t feel supported in the relationship and feels she has to hold on to her career to provide for herself or feel a sense of purpose . Or could be she feels husband only loves her because of her body [ if he says that a lot or he has body beliefs] and she feels if her body changes the relationship will be in danger. Or many other reasons she doesn’t feel safe or connected in the relationship. The same reasons could also explain her depression; maybe.

Healing past trauma first, so simple but amazing advice. Thank you for this conversation.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for seeing that so clearly.

Why don't they adopt? No worries about her body changing and lots of kids need homes

@lucindabreeding

2 жыл бұрын

I have an idea for you. Approach an adoption agency with a woman posing as your wife. Tell them the reason you're adopting is because your wife doesn't want her body to change. See how that works for you.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

@@lucindabreeding Hahahaha

@user-qp6se2tn4r

Жыл бұрын

@@lucindabreeding but it works for two gay guys

John handles delicate topics very well. Women’s weight issues women self-esteem issues, women’s wanting to have kids issues women cheating issues I mean he’s just stellar.

I'm 33 and single. I had a rough childhood and it hasn't been until the past two years I've been open to the idea of marriage and children. But idk if I can or will be to let that guard down. Plus, I'm not getting any younger. 🤷🏽‍♀️

If either of them won't sacrifice then it's better that they separate. There's no way it can work.

Thank you guys for putting this on KZread is the only way i can get it!!!

Having kids, is what YOU make of it. You want to be there for everything, then you'll be there. It you want to be half there, then you'll be half there. If you don't want to commit, then that's on YOU. Kids are the greatest blessing. It's what YOU make of it. She has a husband that wants to be a father and supports everything she wants.... I couldn't picture my life without mine. It's the ultimate purpose. Everything else is secondary

@saraandkoda

Жыл бұрын

the world doesn't revolve around your experience.

If you wait for everything to be "perfect", you will never arrive to it.

I really appreciate the emphasis on “seasons”. My long time partner has become more fixated on kids and to me, it goes against the plan we have recently made to better our financial situation. I always tell him I don’t not want to have kids (😅) but I need financial security and to be prepared for when we bring a kid into the picture. I understand it’s a lot, so I want to do what I can before to prepare, and part of that is a financial buffer and a job with flexible hours.

As a first time mom who is also a creative and has had the same exact experiences as her with childhood trauma and struggling with the idea of having kids, I can say right now that she is trying to satisfy her inner child by going after her dreams and doing everything she possibly can to make sure that dream doesn’t get threatened or taken away from her in any way whatsoever. I wrestled so much with those same struggles before I got pregnant with my son and even well into the pregnancy that the after-effects of my childhood trauma ramped up a gazillion times more to the point where I got prenatal and postpartum depression and to where I couldn’t speak to certain family members because the trauma would be triggered all over again. However, I knew the healing work had to be done, and this process continued up until seven months postpartum where I cut ties with the toxic members of my family who kept triggering my C-PTSD. Fast forward to now a year later, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier, I’m continuing to get better every single day, and I absolutely love being a mom. Hoping this couple can get things worked out!

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Your experience, insight and commentary are so valid in response to this call. Thanks for sharing, and CONGRATULATIONS and continued success in your efforts to heal.

@FriskyTendervittles

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate your comment I’m turning 40 this year and I’m paralyzed with fear over this decision and I don’t k ow why I’m scared. I’ve fought so hard to get through so much stuff and become this person I am. I’m so afraid I’ll lose my identity I’ve worked so hard for. I’m also afraid I’ll repeat the things i saw as a kid.

@j_reneeandrews2095

2 жыл бұрын

@@FriskyTendervittles I’m glad my comment’s encouraging and helpful! The few biggest things I’ve learned through my healing process is that 1: you can’t put a timeline on healing, 2: healing is a daily pursuit you need to fight for and God is the only thing that can provide just that, 3: healing can happen once we get out of the vicious cycle of unhealthy behaviors and break away from them for good, and 4: healing finally starts taking place when we stop trying to fix the problem, accept that things aren’t going to change, and come to peace that we’ll get our full healing when we get to Heaven, which is a promised guarantee. Hope that helps and God bless you!

@FriskyTendervittles

2 жыл бұрын

@@j_reneeandrews2095 yes I agree 100% if only our biological clocks didn’t run on time 😂 Thank you and God bless you as well ☺️

Talk to her about this before marriage?

@bobsburgers8497

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you

@Kevin.Grindel

2 жыл бұрын

She has been telling him she wants kids

@melanieb2132

2 жыл бұрын

@@Kevin.Grindel yeah, grounds for divorce in my book. Having or not having kids should be decided before marriage by both spouses. Building a family is part of marriage, in my book.. through adoption or natural birth. If they both dont want kids, fine. If it's a medical issue, that's a different story too, of course. This is a betrayal.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@melanieb2132 BETRAYAL because she is a Victim of childhood trauma? REALLY? So how does that work, exactly?

@melanieb2132

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 it sounds like she doesn't want kids and wants to keep her figure.. He can try to stick it out for a while to really dig at why she doesnt want kids, but in the end, it's a deal breaker and he should go.. he'll resent her forever.

Get a surrogate. At least she won't have to deal with the physical aspect of having a baby. How well she bounces back depends largely on her genetics.

This was such an interesting podcast for me, because I was that woman! Before I had my daughter, I was an award-winning professional classical soprano. I got my masters in music, and I dedicated my entire life to this. It's hard to explain how close to god you can feel when you are in flow with music. When I am arranging, performing, and engaging with music, I feel that I am my best self. Although now that I am a mom, I can also say that my connection to my child is a constantly divine and overwhelmingly beautiful feeling as well. My husband and I both love traveling and have done things like climbing Aconcagua, going to Everest Base Camp, and traveling all over the world. We are also very loving people who adore kids, but we weren't sure for a long time. We were married ten years before having a child. I do want to push back on John a little. Most people, unless you are in the industry, do not understand that when you are a performer or in the fine arts, the nature of the job is not conducive to having kids. This woman might have felt that she was going to have to either decide to have kids or be able to keep working in the profession she loves and dedicated her life to. The likelihood is that if she does have kids, the industry might kick her out because taking time off is really frowned upon, AND the tasks required in the field are perishable. Meaning, you have to continually practice, and keep up with your skills, especially if you are a singer. It can be difficult to find good examples of women who pursue this, and are able to take time off to have children, THEN successfully re-enter, UNLESS they were at the top of their game (basically famous) when they left. It was either have children or give up everything she had been doing her whole life. For me, I started to tire of the industry and how inconsistent the jobs were, how hard it was, and I grew tired of it. I will always have music in my life, but I'm so glad I decided to have my daughter and we might have another. However, I would be lying if I said that I stopped getting calls for work when I had her. The truth is, women are not told the truth about what it takes to be a mother (the sacrifices), and women feel that it's either motherhood or career, and nothing in between or a variation on that theme is possible. SOME people can have it all (I say some because this applies to women and men alike), but most women cannot have it all at the same time without sacrificing something sacred in the process. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she didn't want kids. I think she is probably ambitious but has no idea how to decide on motherhood and career, because she thinks if she becomes a mother, she will never again be able to do what she loves and will be destined to be miserable because of that. Women need more examples of mothers taking time off to raise their children and then successfully re-entering the work-force. All people need to have a rich intellectual world, and many women fear that staying home (if only for a season), means they will be destined to become intellectually miserable. Some women are ambitious, but also love and want kids, but they don't know how to marry the two, so they become indecisive, anxious, and scared. Unfortunately, the industry will not change, but the way we prepare and empathize with women in this situation can.

I'm not sure I totally agreed with Dr. D's advice, when he kept saying it's not about kids it's about something else. Well, yes, it may be about something else, but having kids within marriage is a make or break thing in most marriage. In fact, it's often a deal breaker for even getting married in the first place. This guy sounds like he's willing to stay with his wife whether they have kids or not, but honestly, I think that is something that should be the focus of this conversation, because he has to be very sure he's ok with that. Not having kids because something happens physically is one thing. Not having kids because your wife is afraid is a whole other kettle of fish. It would be so much harder to not be resentful for missing out on something like kids because my wife was afraid. He really needs to understand what this may mean.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Did it occur to anyone, that as a career woman, she IS TERRIFIED OF BEING DEPENDENT/FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on her Husband? THAT is ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING!

@eurekahope5310

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 I suppose this is about values. I am a professional who put career on hold to raise our children. While I do not look forward to the application and interview process, I do not fear being dependent on my husband. He is a wonderful man with the same values. I am sorry some women have that fear.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@eurekahope5310 But, as you state, each situation has is OWN set of circumstances/values. I simply COULD NEVER be financially dependent on a man, and thankfully, never have been. Surprisingly, in this day and age, despite how many fiercely independent women like me exist, we're STILL considered a minority. I'm glad, though, that your circumstances turned out to be a good fit for you. As long as you're safe, that's all that counts.

@melanieb2132

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 women get half the stuff in divorce. Ive been dependent on my husband since day 1 of our marriage. Im not really terrified.

@melanieb2132

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 really it's all dependent on your view of marriage. If something like that terrifies a person that much, Im not sure marriage is for them. I view his work, my work, our home together as a family unit. It's not his, there's not mine, there's ours.. that includes our bodies.

Such a great call. Definitely think they need a lot of therapy together and I wonder if his wife has sat down with actual women in the industry who do have kids, are working, honest about the sacrifices and are happy. If she can't find people in person there are sooo many interviews online she can watch of women who've walked a similar road. Perhaps she could watch a couple of interviews and talk through them with her therapist. I'm so glad the caller called with this. Love the advice.

It's a tale as old as time - he will leave her and have kids with someone else and regret it while she will move onto bigger and better things

Many times it's the female who is in a hurry to have kids but just the opposite does occur. The time clock doesn't stop at age 30. Discuss when will be the preferred age for settling into the parenthood routine is desirable. I can understand a few more years of career bliss and dream aspirations are preferred without the additional 24x7 responsibilities, but in time things may change or slow down in her career and she may become more ready. If she really does want children but just not so soon, having a shared vision and timeline is important.

Hubby and I just had the kids talk yesterday and decided to start trying in a little over a year. Scary and exciting stuff. Starting the emotional prep process now!

@susieare

2 жыл бұрын

Best of luck to you! I'm not sure anyone is ever truly emotionally ready to be a parent :) It'll change you in such unexpected ways.

@msi8311

2 жыл бұрын

Hope conception is easy for you both when the time comes. How exciting. Praying to be in your shoes in a few years.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Great, as long as you're both on the same page.

@Thecraftyblacksheep

2 жыл бұрын

I just had my baby girl 14 months ago; best thing that’s ever happened to me. Parenthood and motherhood is so amazing. It’s hard but so worth it

@murkakurka5986

2 жыл бұрын

@@Thecraftyblacksheep why its amazing and why it's worth it?

Maybe she doesn't really want kids and doesn't know how to tell you that. Not everyone really wants kids. Best thing husband can do is backoff. It's more his priority than hers.

When he said something like « you are not grieving that you are never going to have kids. You are grieving that you had this expectation » That hit home!!!! I paused it and repeated a few times out loud. Woooo that was a « ah ah » moment for me 🙌

skip the kids explore the world

I can understand thats why i never had children. Do not regret it

I'm just glad I am the sort of person who is just flat out honest and said I didn't want kids, the end. I didn't give fake reasons to appease others. They can adopt and keep her body the same. *She doesn't want kids*.

What a great husband.

If the roles were reversed and a woman was calling, the answer would be to decide if he’s the right person to have as a spouse.

@ChaZarudo

2 жыл бұрын

Well it doesn't reverse perfectly because she's the one getting pregnant.

@stardark9mc

2 жыл бұрын

her body his choice?

@bobsburgers8497

2 жыл бұрын

Her shoulda totally asked her about this before he married her, his fault

@KS-cl8br

2 жыл бұрын

@@bobsburgers8497 Not either fault. He or she could have brought up the topic.

@Ready-ForTheEnd

Жыл бұрын

Yep.

Some people in relationships are just too much work and than some and why bother!

It sounds like some childhood trauma may be resurfacing. I agree that it's deeper than the dialectic of kids v. no kids; career v. no career. It makes me wonder what messages she heard as a child from her own caregivers regarding her role as a child & what children do to a family system (especially since she's reading Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents). This would be something worth exploring with her therapist & assessing her motivation to change the family legacy of what kids mean, as well as some inner child healing work.

As a husband the best thing you can do is try to be a supportive partner. Communicate and be really open without pressuring.

Them not being able to agree to have kids or not is like scrubbing the floor over wiping it clean. If it's too much work than find an easier project.

I'm 36, we don't all really have the time to keep stepping away.

This is someone who clearly put love before having the hard conversations about family before getting married. Now he is stuck with someone who does not want to have children when he does and has to live a life unfulfilled with someone who may not last becausehis resentment will grow....and he is childless. Some people were born to be parents and others weren't. Just from the call I can tell this is a man who does not want to go his entire life without children.

I contemplated the child question in my early mid 20s, then pretty much decided it was not something I wanted to take on. Still fine with that decision I made back then, because life would have been extremely complicated with a child.

So adopt

You have to most of us know somebody who had a terrible pregnancy, a birth that went wrong. We know women who decades later are suffering from physical problems that came directly from being pregnant and or giving birth. Quite a few of us know a woman who died as a result. I'm open to the idea of maybe having kids one day. But the idea of giving birth and even more so just being pregnant is non-negotiable. I watched my mother almost died when she was pregnant with my sister. People have to be aware of the fact that for women the fears don't start with actually being a parent.

Lesson to learn with this caller - Prior to marriage always discuss having children or not.

This guy is going to wait and wait for his wife to be ready to later find out she never wants kids.

DR JOHN WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND INFO ON MEN WHO WANTS CHILDREN BUT WOMEN WHO DON'T?

What kind of parents don't say good job, way to go or a pat on the back of their daughter growing up?

2 kids and still travelling, Ecuador, China, England ,Japan, and Costa Rica so for with our kids age 2 and 4 it's been great , were going to move to my home country in Costa Rica in March we probably stay there till kids graduate from high school, the kids have dual citizenship, it's a lot work so i respect people decision not to have any, but we also been enjoying it

@saramatthews7159

2 жыл бұрын

Most ppl with children don't have the financial means to travel all around the world with small children. Most are struggling financially.

@Red-gy9gx

2 жыл бұрын

One year I did one week in Japan then one week I'm China , i taught English for three days for a few hours in China and Japan. So my flight was free to both places, and my husband taught the other three days so the flight was free for him also for Japan and China. In Ecuador we stayed two weeks and i taught English for a week so that help with expenses, we both have ESL certification, so we try to find companies that looking for English teachers.😁

I’m curious, where is the adoption option in all this? That would resolve the body changes issue. That’s why the deeper issue is her fear cycle. He can sense that The reasons are surface-ish. If she needed to land at “I just don’t have that in my picture and it’s not fair to a child to have a lukewarm mom”… then so be it. But they’re talking about surface level reasons when the root is deeper. And so they need to either uproot it all to get to the answer, or she needs to be firmly planted in the reason of “my heart isn’t in it.”

Thanks a lot! I’m 78, so is my life over? Lol

While it is okay that she doesn't want kids, it is not fair to him that it was not discussed prior to marriage. Imagine the roles were reversed and she wanted the kids while he didn't. You guys need marriage counseling. You will find another girl in no time if your wife refuses to give you kids with all the support you are offering. The clock is ticking, soon she won't be able to have them at all.

Um adopt..

No...shes scarred to have kids with you. She doesnt want to be married to you

Why not get a surrogate?

I mean, there is also the option of adoption..?

Awww

Without having watched the video yet...DOGS!!!

She clearly doesn't want kids but the thing that bothers me the most is that she rolled YOU into this relationship by giving you a false hope that one day YOU WILL HAVE KIDS...

He may need to look elsewhere if he truly wants children. If she isn't 100% committed, she shouldn't become a parent.

Adoption is the best solution here ❤

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Based on WHAT? Like a test drive to see if they like it? It's a child, a human being, AND equally a LIFETIME COMMITMENT. They can't send him/her back if it's not a good fit.

@bobsburgers8497

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 based on the fact they both wanna raise a kid but the wife doesn’t wanna physically birth one

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@bobsburgers8497 I think you completely missed the point. She has childhood TRAUMA. And unless and UNTIL that is addressed, there will be NO pitter patter of tiny feet in that house, adopted or otherwise. Except, maybe, if it's canine.

@bobsburgers8497

2 жыл бұрын

@@stellarocquie7957 oh I was reading the comments while watching it, so maybe I missed that part

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

@@bobsburgers8497 No problem. Lol, I do that a lot, so I end up watching the video again, without the distraction of reading. Interestingly enough, I was thinking trauma before he even brought it up. People need to understand how this can affect MOST life choices, especially the big ones. When you factor the trauma dynamic into this call, the whole thing falls into place. Take care.

She can very legitimately want both. To say she doesn’t want kids and is using her career as an excuse is so unfair. This woman worked hard for her success. If she was a male performer or professional athlete this wouldn’t even be a conversation. She is valid for wanting both. Adoption? Surrogacy?

Why the hell having kids defining love.don’t some things just happen natural at the right time

Eventually time and gravity will take all our good looks, and physical abilities away. You have to think about how you'll be in your 40's or 50's, you won't be dancing around, being the hot thing on stage, you'll be playing grandma. Just look at Jamie Lee Curtis, or Glen Close, both fine looking women, and attractive in their prime, not playing the damsel roles anymore.

@stellarocquie7957

2 жыл бұрын

Or, she can just WAIT until she's in her 40's or 50's to become pregnant. Not so uncommon any more.

@bobsburgers8497

2 жыл бұрын

It’s not just about looks, it’s about all the physical aspects including the pain. The physical aspect of pregnancy is horrifying, some women literally rip when they give birth. She doesn’t have to have kids if she doesn’t want to, and he should have asked her this before they married

@haileythurston6280

3 ай бұрын

Pregnancy is worse for the body than getting old. It's excruciating and damaging to every organ in the body and you never fully heal. And it ages you faster, so you have to deal with age related issues from an ealier age than people who don't get pregnant.

Dont want to have kids because its scary and the idea of dying scares me, hospitals are terrible, and pregnancy gives me intense fear and anxiety. Fortunately iuds exsist and i made sure me and my partner were on the same page before we seriously pursued any real relationship. When it comes to serious life altering decisions like kids or marriage everyone should really be sure their partner aligns or you run the very real risk of wasting someones valuable time they could have used pursuing those values with someone more like minded.

@deyjay1119

3 ай бұрын

Yes and I plan on sticking to this too.

If she is amazing as you said she would be a great mom and having you by her side would be the process so much lovely and beautiful. Having kids will definitely change her physically and mentally but it totally worth the joy it will bring to you and her. I was totally in fit when I had my baby and gain lots of weight after my pregnancy (not while I was pregnant) I lost most of the baby weight. I’m so happy to experience motherhood and I have to say having a caring husband makes all the journey worth while and it seems she is in a great hand. Good luck 🍀

@greenfly0917

2 жыл бұрын

"It's totally worth the joy" is a statement or rather a feeling that YOU have but please know that everyone is not you. Not everyone has this "joy" that you experience. For a lot of people having kids would not bring them joy. Let's normalize the idea that people are not all the same.

If you're not ready for children, don't have them. It's not fair to the child to have an underprepared parent.