If you are unfamiliar with British cultural norms, let me spell out the context for this video: when Brits feel something deeply, we understate it. The more subtly we understate it, the more deeply it is felt and meant. Also, the framing of this shot is deliberate. We are facing a seemingly huge set of drawers, head on, in which there is a lot to unpack. One thing is very obviously sitting on the top left: the Indian elephant in the room. That's deliberate too. Oh - and keep the comments extra-specially kind, please. We could all use a little kindness today.

@susannahallanic1167

4 жыл бұрын

Cultural norm has caused more hurts, pains, losses and deaths than anything in the world. It is a division maker. I'm an immigrant where ever I am. I never fit in. I've accepted my reality and the result is that I know I am the one usually at fault line. I've spent my life learning that this is the way my life will be, but I still expect to be treated with the same respect I give others. It was my habit to tolerate slights for a time until I just felt like exploding and therefore granted myself permission to explode. I no longer do that. I find a way. I got use to using sleeping masks and listening to the sounds of a gurgling stream in the forest in order to not hear my neighbors' daily activities while I slept (I worked from 1830h until 0730h). In other words, I seek a way to not interact culturally with others. I will never understand the culture in which I am living because it takes all of the formative years to absorb it. My culture died in between 1968 - 1970. I pretty sure that is going to happen to everyone once they are 60 and older. Advice? Change can only occur within one's self.

@Alice0hMy

4 жыл бұрын

@@susannahallanic1167 May I ask what your cultue is? Do not feel obligated to answer if you do not wish, i am only a curious "rennaissance" aspie

@damecali

4 жыл бұрын

Hello Cathy, you should read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg" . It goes well with what you experienced.

@gayleklein7243

4 жыл бұрын

Your experience goes beyond just cultural norms. The core of the problem is that most people are too busy talking to actually listen and hear what the other is saying and the intent behind the words. Well done to you for opening your ears.

@raeafoley6131

4 жыл бұрын

Dearest Cathy! I one hundred percent understand and know where you're coming from. And of course I don't know the details passed what you have expressed, but I can absolutely understand your reaction. Whether or not things where said that could have been said differently is in that moment "irrelevant"! You felt what you felt and it had to come out. I too have spent numerous times with my head in the pillows, literally screaming in pain and frustration and balling my eyes out. I consider myself a very kind, compassionate and forgiving person, but we all get to a point where enough is enough! I had neighbours of the worst kind, constantly trying to be polite and see i I can "engage" with them...one of them still remains. For quite a while it involved the police coming out at least three times a week and they still have to come out on occasion now. Sadly, not all people are willing to work together, to strike compromises. I'm no angel, but appreciate people's honesty, as long as the can remain respectful and humane. I find it hard to be wrong, but upsetting people or wrong them I hate even more. And I know we are always told it takes two to tango...but I also believe that sometimes, some people are just wrong the way they behave towards others, without any fault on the others part. Now I know what most people say, nobody is without fault. That is true. I'm just saying that in some cases it isn't always a two sided street. In any case, I am very happy for you that you and your neighbours have managed to come closer. And it is indeed a very brave thing to recognize and admit one's own issues. It is even braver to share it with strangers. All of us here and those who are close to you hold you in very high regards. We love what you do and appreciate your time, you passion and your wisdom! Humanity is here to learn, to experience...ourselves and one another! My blessings and love to you Cathy. I hope you will have a peaceful weekend, and a joyful week ahead! And thank you for sharing those links!x

As a wise general once said, “Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”

@chaotic-goodartistry3903

4 жыл бұрын

KJ Burned I read that in Uncle Iroh’s voice, just finished the series, Iroh has such good words of wisdom :3

@kimberly_erin

4 жыл бұрын

Chaotic-Good Artistry what he’s this episode last night!

@evelepic216

3 жыл бұрын

This is so true. And now I'm lowkey crying on bus cause I miss Iroh 😢 😭 May have to watch Atla when I get home!

God this level of confrontation makes me feel utterly nauseous just thinking about. Well done doing the hard work and working through it.

@juliemiller9258

4 жыл бұрын

I agree, but they were in the wrong. When you live in a shared living space there are some unspoken rules such as observing night quiet times even if you are a day sleeper. One does not complain about a crying baby, but does report when an older child is being beaten. Shared spaces share both responsibility and accountability. And being weird? We are all weird. Get over it. It is being called unique. Aloha

@commonwealpanther

3 жыл бұрын

A lot of people can't quite name that tension that makes you nauseous. That you see the connection is a good first step to not being controlled by it, because when you feel it you can pay closer attention to what is happening and why it's making you feel that way.

@petronellataube2986

3 жыл бұрын

@Julie Miller both were in the wrong. The first time you ask for someone to be mindful, you don't shout it through the window sarcastically. You stay respectful, because anyone can be accidentally loud in a party setting. And you don't wait until your anger boils over.

humility is not strength’s antithesis, but it’s equal. it is pride that says “i’m too strong to admit defeat! i can’t lose,” because it turns life into a competition. it takes great- and true- strength to say “no, i’m not going to lose anything by admitting i need to work on myself. life is not a competition between me and those around me, but one between me and who i was yesterday.” i personally believe that the only mark of a good person is the want to change. good people are those who wake up every morning and vow to be a better person than they were yesterday, and then actually go and do it. a good person is not someone who never falters, never needs to admit that they were wrong, but one who willingly admits they were wrong to make their own growth happen faster, and to help those around them

@Honestberry

4 жыл бұрын

Beautifully said.

My mom always said the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement and I took it to heart. It is never a bad thing to stop and check you premises and admit to mistakes made and commit to positive change

@aalin5701

3 жыл бұрын

That's a lovely bit of advice 😁

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm a high school kid. Hearing that someone who's become somewhat of a role model for me say that they had a hard time in high school was reassuring in a way that I don't have the words to convey. My parents (and myself too, sometimes) have issues admitting that they're wrong. This has had a considerable impact on me and my self esteem sometimes. So thank you, for saying that adults can admit when they're wrong. This video will be very helpful for me on my road to self betterment ❤❤

@susanrobertson984

4 жыл бұрын

Molly I often say the biggest lie I heard growing up is that "You'll understand X when you're older." My folks said whatever they needed to in order to avoid answering questions they didn't want to. They never admitted they just didn't have all the answers, as if being an adult magically imbues you with that knowledge/understanding. Adults should admit when they are wrong and don't know something. Some can't handle it.

@laurenconrad1799

4 жыл бұрын

I think everyone watching this channel had a hard time in high school. You are not alone. High school is hell. Anyone who doesn’t feel that way probably isn’t worth spending time with. But once you’re out of high school, you’ll have the opportunity to choose your friends and avoid the types of people you dislike. You’ll have a lot more life choices after high school. It will get better. But it probably stinks right now, I know. Just make it through the four years and then you can thrive in life. ❤️❤️❤️

@fabianarosa372

3 жыл бұрын

Beautifully said! Right path

@beckywebb1916

3 жыл бұрын

My husband and I have a saying that we taught and modeled to our two children. When any one of us needed to apologize, we would say to the person wronged, “You were right; I was wrong, I’m sorry.” And the person wronged had to say, “I forgive you.” This showed our children that we could be wrong, admit it, and apologize. It was equally important for the other person to avoid saying, “That’s ok” because it wasn’t ok that the person was wronged. It was probably the best lesson we ever gave them.

I live in Poland, a country in which it is completely acceptable to scream at your neighbours to pipe the *** down. And if they don't, it's also completely normal to call the cops on them, as there is such a thing as statutory enforced quiet hours. Being sarcastic wouldn't even get noticed. I suppose the British way is more subdued than I could possibly imagine...I cannot fathom what it's like to live in a society in which subtleties like this matter, but I'm happy that you've managed to find your way out from a difficult situation. Still not in love with your neighbours for hosting coronaparties OR calling you playground insults.

Introverts or non-mainstream persons and neighbors are a difficult thing.

@ms.d.franks242

4 жыл бұрын

Agreed!

@RoSario-vb8ge

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, privacy is a huge thing.

I find this difficult when i see parents/adults who have difficulty finding a way to admit wrong with children because they think it removes their power/authority

Having dealt with neighbours like this and much worse, there is absolutely nothing left within me willing to apologise to people who have no respect for others around them. I've moved to get away from people like this and would absolutely do it again if needed. Parties in a pandemic would have had me on the phone to the ASB crew without a second thought. Honestly, this whole story just made me so incredibly grateful that I live in a neighbourhood where people genuinely give a toss about those around them to the extent that a quiet chat about the noise would have ended the situation then and there.

Anyone who would yell at someone, calling them weird and mocking them, is exhibiting very childish behavior. Your soul-searching and humble admission that you need work as well, touches a chord in me.. I’ve only recently found you via Bernadette, but I find that your vlogs are so much more than a ( much enjoyed) sewing how-to... I am learning so much about life and kindness and humility, even as I thought that I was pretty well set in those departments... Thank you for grounding us, teaching us, and helping us grow..

This really struck a familiar experience for me. I’m in Highschool, so of course petty things happen here and there socially. I had a group of friends who had deeply wronged and hurt me. I sent a text to a friend asking for an apology and an explanation. That was met with a paragraph listing all of the ways in which I’d misstepped with others, ways I hadn’t even thought of and was completely oblivious to. When I first read it I was angry and confused, but the more I read it the more I realized all the ways I *was* wrong. He apologized and explained, admittedly very poorly, and I apologized and explained to the best of my ability. I’ve since left that group of people, but as shitty as the experience was it left me a much better person. Maybe I never did anything in malice, but now I take care to consider my actions as much as possible before and during them. You’re definitely not alone, Cathy. These things happen and oh boy do they suck, but they improve us all so so much.

Thank you. As a Black American, I appreciate your sharing in this manner. Also, as a American, I appreciate your clarity on British understatement.

I wish more people had told me when I was young that it was ok to change my mind, that realizing I had been wrong and working to improve myself wouldn't make me feel stupid or my opinions less important.

Listening to your wisdom is like drinking a calming cup of Jasmine tea...

@aliceb6248

4 жыл бұрын

Cathy is basically Uncle Iro from ATLA

“It takes a big person to do the work of being humble.” What you said should be turned into banners, posters, bumper stickers, tattoos, etc. Humility is a strength and really hard, especially when the cultural norms are telling you the opposite (I live in the US). Humility opens the door to so many other positive attributes like compassion and empathy. Just imagine the world we could create if we approached each day with humility. I am inspired. Thank you!

@MartiasMuses

4 жыл бұрын

I absolutely agree ;-)

@wowanothercookie

3 жыл бұрын

While it's a good saying, I don't think putting it on a sticker means anything, I find a lot of sayings printed out don't really have meaning or influence.

One of my favorite things my grandmother taught me when I was young, was that "It tends to be that those who are quiet outwardly, that have the loudest souls." Her point was that often when we don't know how to interact, or deal with confrontation, or experience things that make us uncomfortable but refuse to speak on it, that our souls are soaking up all that anger and frustration, and turning it into feelings of unjust. That we can be quiet outwardly, but we might admit to ourselves that peace and solitude must also come with the willingness to stand up for ourselves and speak when we need to. This was a hard trait to learn, and I will readily admit that I haven't mastered it yet. When I feel as if my peace is being stolen from me, I tend to isolate and those feelings of anger make a steel ball in the pit of my soul that inevitably end in outward signs of aggression. You learned a valuable lesson here, and I applaud you for that. We are all a little worse for wear when we refuse to handle situations calmly and with kindness. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find some solace in your new found open dialogue and that you find peace when you are trying to sleep.

My mother has always said, “It takes two to tango.” She meant it in terms of taking two parties to argue. She has always impressed upon me the importance of taking accountability and responsibility for my own actions in any conflict and to try to be the “better” person. Thank you for reminding me to listen to my mother.

Cathy this was so beautiful. As someone who's very intolerant when it comes to noise, I've probably been dealing with previous neighbours badly. As for the other stuff... yes. When I first got into social justice, I didn't get it all. Growing up somewhere very diverse, I thought I knew a lot. I didn't. I have learned so much through following Black and Native activists, as well as other people of colour. There's a meme doing the rounds which goes "Feeling uncomfortable is a necessary part of unlearning oppressive behaviours" and people need to recognise that. I love the way you put it ❤

@eccremocarpusscaber5159

4 жыл бұрын

Miss Violet Nightchild have you washed any feet yet?

@cremebrulee4759

Жыл бұрын

I love that meme.

@chrysanthemum8233

9 ай бұрын

"Feeling uncomfortable is a necessary part" -- it is. Although facing down the discomfort and shame gets easier with practice. I grew up in a very white neighborhood, and while I was raised to not be racist, I had little exposure to people unlike me so I was ignorant. Luckily when I was young my few non-white friends were very compassionate about explaining to me "I know you didn't mean it in a bad way, but it's not okay to say that and here's why." It still feels AWFUL but you do get better at saying "oh shit I did not know that, I won't do it again, sorry for upsetting/embarrassing you."

We're taught at a young age to apologize, though sometimes in a forced "say you're sorry" kind of way. We aren't taught how to have an actual apologetic conversation and they become more difficult when we're older. Good on you for looking at yourself and responding in a way that gave your neighbor room in the conversation for them to look at themselves too. Sending you love from Seattle

In an earlier video you had mentioned that you would be looking into seeing a therapist regarding potentially suppressed anger regarding a former beau. I am wondering if doing that helped you in a way that allowed you to read and re-read the text until you saw what was really being said to you, about you. When I was about 40, I realized that people were not responding to me in a way that told me I was behaving in the manner I thought I was behaving and I was sad. I saw a therapist about this. My therapist believed in giving me homework. One assignment was to interview 3 men, one I knew personally, one professionally and one acquaintance. The same for 3 women. I had specific questions I was to ask. It was scary for me to do this assignment, but it was one of the most enlightening experiences I've ever had. I had one week to accomplish it. I learned so much from this assignment that I often reflect on it when something isn't going well. So, I've been there, done that and yes I still screw things up from time to time, but it is easy to genuinely apologize now, when it wasn't before. Yes, it is all about the work, it's all about our willingness to look at ourselves in a truly honest way. Congrats for doing this work. You will truly be happier as a result of it. I am wishing you the best on your journey.

@saraa4425

4 жыл бұрын

This is very interesting! Thank you for the insight...would you mind sharing the questions? I only ask because I feel the same way and would love to do this experiment myself. My friends, coworkers, and family all describe me very differently and I know we are complex human beings with multitude of sides to us, but I would love to know the real me, and how is my way of communication and expression leading different people to different conclusions. Thank you!

@PatMcFadyenGrowingGradeByGrade

4 жыл бұрын

Would you please share the questions you asked?

@MossyMozart

4 жыл бұрын

@@saraa4425 - I know what you mean about appearing differently to different people. My best friend (and I, too) tells me not to be so painfully shy around others while many people tell my friend that I am such a big, aloof snob. The same behavior, seen in different eyes.

I have a nightmare neighbour. I won't list what makes him so but it's super bad. I finally talked to him yesterday. Said I would try finding him a place that has some medical support to help him. Cuz living alone isn't working for him. That I would take time to talk to him everyday. For human contact. I would stop being so judgemental and work forward. We can't change the past but we can improve the how we face the future. I had to admit my faults which is difficult and not at all fun. Never is. But I feel a whole better today than I did yesterday. Thanks for the vid. 💖💖💖 😷😎😷 My rescue cat after 1 yr and 8 mths has finally learnt about the joys of being petted. Victory!!! We've got trust now!!! 😻😻😻 😷😎😷

This lesson is definitely something that we tend to forget in the heat of the moment... pride can be a very difficult thing to wrestle with, and I very much understand the feeling of "I'm a nice person, and I was right". Thank you for this wonderful reminder, Cathy. It's always such a pleasure to hear from you and listening to your advice. Wish you all the best!

There is no person who does not need to improve in some aspect of their lives. Wisdom is realizing it, humility is admitting it, and maturity is working to repair damage and improve moving forward weather others reciprocate or not. Being a “good person” isn’t about never making mistakes, it’s about how you handle the mistakes that you will inevitably make. 🥰

Keeping my ego under control when I feel attacked has been one of the hardest thing I've had to do, especially because I have a special talent for getting impressively and kind of awesomely annoyed (so it flatters my threatened ego to do so). But once I started, I found it was easier than I had anticipated and that amazing stuff happened which never could have otherwise. Thank you for sharing your humbling story, I hope you get to a great situation with your neighbours 💙

@MartiasMuses

4 жыл бұрын

Oh, I can relate so much. But once you start trying, it gets easier and easier and it definitely teaches you a lot about how to treat people better and not being an ass ;-)

I found you via the beautiful, funny Bernadette and am so thankful. It has taken me a long time to learn this--sometimes you're right, and you're right to be angry--but that doesn't mean you're right to explode all over the other person (or turn it inward on yourself). What will that solve? It will only escalate; on a larger scale it leads to war. We cannot control others, but we can change how we respond to the world, to the small issues and the larger systemic wrongs. Listen, learn, stop labelling one another with offensive names (stop focusing on the label), listen some more, examine your casual assumptions. Oh it isn't easy, but I believe it is the only way forward. Thank you, Cathy, I look forward to learning more from you.

As an ADULT who is considered “sensitive “ her whole life, I have a tendency to snap back if I feel slighted. Regarding text messages and feeling hurt by them. My adult children are African American and have said things in texts to me or on social media to make me feel as if I made mistakes in how I dealt with things in their past. Yes, I felt slighted but I waited a few days to write back as they were correct. It is difficult being a mother, but as a white mother to black children there is a special degree of difficulty no matter how much I THINK I understand. Thank you for this message

I have 2 neighbors. A pair of drummers and a family with 5 children. I totally identify with the situation. And how hard it is to take responsibility for my own actions and their consequences. Mostly if it comes from a "right" request. Is always an exercise to be able to say, I could do better, I could plan it better before exploding. And to listen when someone says that to me is always a challenging experience. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you never get through more bullying in this lifetime 🌻

me: So ready for Cathy's video! Cathy: [sits down seriously and looks me straight in the eye] me: oh no me, 5 mins later, in pyjamas and a blanket: ok now im ready for real Edit: I still wasn't ready. Thank you for this video Cathy.

I'm always excited to step into your world for a little while. This is the first time doing so has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for posting this. And to you and everyone in the costube community who has done such amazing work and encouraged others to do the work, too.

Cathy, thank you for sharing this! I love how you framed that owning that we are a part of the problem is adulting. And I loved the way you shared this message in such a different way than I have been hearing it all over social media. It really helped to hear it through humility along with the fear, anger, and information heavy messages I have been hearing.

Thank you Cathy! We have new neighbors in the flat next to us, they are what we Germans simply and in summary refer to as "some refugees". We always saw people that have the refugee status as "some people" unfamiliar, different though never hateful but not our concern. But the light of recent events somewhat opened my eyes to the fact that THIS is the issue! We are the problem... and deary me that's a blow. So they have their garden next to ours and when we were outside we went and approached them in a friendly way and though the parents of the 6 children (3yo - 21yo) didn't speak much German the kids sure did and we had a very pleasant conversation, partly translated through one of the kids. They are from Serbia and here since 8 years! So much for "some refugee"! And they are just people, very kind and pleasant people! We just offered them any help like the "should you need any sugar, just come over" kind of things but it's a start and I am glad we did it! We so very urgently have to become aware of our prejudices and fears! And I as a pan and poly person need to advocate it even more the skin color shouldn't be a reason to alienate people neither should be their cultural heritage or their orientations! We are all human beings for fudges sake!

Too many times we just say the "I'm sorry" apology without it being more than lip service. We don't delve into why an apology asked, and we never change our behaviors, much less our thoughts. Good for you, Miss Cathy, in truly talking with your neighbor and building a better relationship with them.

"Because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it... people like me." ~Stuart Smallie

Dear Cathy, thank you for sharing such a personal story and inviting others to a similar journey. For those that are missing the broader message, I hope it will sink in over time. And for those that criticize I say, I welcome imperfect allies. And finally, if this is causing you to reflect on the Peacock Dress - please, please, please don't abandon it. It can be used in so many positive ways, I know you'll find a way to honor the hands that created the original.

I've always had trouble with neighbors as I have over stimulation issues, that being said, I've realized that my issues are my own to deal with & while I can ask my neighbors to be considerate of those, I can't expect them to change their lives to make me more comfortable. As I write this I am listening to the neighbor kid bang away on his drums..but I know he will stop by 5 as that is the agreement we have reached. We need to accept responsibility for our behavior & mistakes.

Brava, Cathy. I've been following you for a while via Bernadette Banner. I always find your comments interesting even if I don't always agree with them. I am a black woman living in America and this is a very tumultuous time and I appreciate any effort for white people trying to understand the viewpoint of people of color. I commend your efforts and we need more of you to "put on your big girl pants" and step up, even if it is uncomfortable. Because please remember that it is just as uncomfortable and unsettling to us. This is not a zero sum game to us. It is our lives.

@doro8856

4 жыл бұрын

I don't understand what race, or black viewpoint, has to do with the contents of the video. Did I miss something?

@BraveEmpress

4 жыл бұрын

@@doro8856 The lesson there applies to the world situation with racism as a whole. A lot of folks are having a hard time accepting that they aren't seeing the things that they're doing, whether they meant to or not (myself included). Watching until the end of the video and reading the description should help a bit with your confusion.

@zoewheeler142

4 жыл бұрын

Doro the bigger picture at the moment regarding being English, Colonialism, Black lives matter etc, taking the lesson learned and applying it to what’s happening in the World. 💜

@carriehazel77

4 жыл бұрын

@@doro8856 did you not watch until the end? Did you not glance at the links in the description box?

@doro8856

4 жыл бұрын

@@carriehazel77 Yes and yes.

Cathy, with all of the pain and trauma we're going through now, pausing to admit wrong and make amends is EXACTLY the lesson we need. Thank you!

Yep been there too - sometimes our wittiness doesn't translate for others who a massively different from us, and when we are wronged it's even worse to be confronted with our own snarkiness (privileges), in the small daily lives and on a big communal scale. You are a lovely woman and I'm so glad that you found a common ground with you neighbour

What an inspiring video this one is... I've been facing the same "noisy neighbors" problem through the years, sometimes they didn't want to start a dialog so it ended up with me sending them the police... But with my current neighbors, even if at home I get so crazy when they put on their loud music, everytime I go to see them I make sure I''m being nice and clear to them. And you're right when you say it's so important to treat each other as humans... Beyond that, admitting I'm wrong on some subjects is so hard for me... but learning to face it and accept it can only make us grow further as human being. Thank you again for your wisdom Cathy.

Thank you for being so candid and open with us. I know I am a “work in progress” and it’s very comforting to hear your story and know that I I am not alone. I keep trying to do better each day. Thank you for your words of support.

My husband and I have a problem that surfaced this last weekend. Something he did, but what was caused directly by the way I act for the last, allmost, whole year. We talked about it yesterday and we resolved some of it, but when I woke up this morning, I was ready to circle back and blame everything on him. Find excuses why it's not my fault. Dump the whole problem on him and act hurt and all tragic. Listening to your story helped me understand that I have a late occuring tantrum. Thank you for sharing this story and helping me overcome my childlishness. Hw and I both need to work on this problem and resolve it without being petty and blind to our own faults. Thank you Kathy.

I don't know much about film making but I felt that the way you shot this video made me focus more on what you were saying and I was hanging onto every word. Thank you for speaking up about issues, sharing your wisdom once more, and for accepting you can be wrong, that really does take a very big person and I hope to learn from you

Admiting you were wrong is one of the most painful feelings I know, it just makes you feel so small and vulnerable. But once you take the courage and do it, it just lifts something off your chest. And it definitely teaches you a lot.

@MossyMozart

4 жыл бұрын

@Sound of Muses - And it seems that Ms Hay may have turned neighbors into friends!

I think it’s weird to have over a group of people until late hours every week or so! The thought of it drains my energy. I rather have small group to come over for tea, sharing meaningful moments and conversations. Anyway.. There aren’t many people who are open to have civil conversations. My grandmother is half African, and I sort of look like her. Although I don’t look like an African person but I deal with some stuff, not only because of color, also because of religion and nationality. The problem isn’t only about a race. It runs deep down to the need to feel superior. The mention of humility is very important! People talk about civil right and the injustice, forgetting about the need to be humble and recognizing the faults within oneself. I wish many more watch your message.

How lovely to hear about grown up people coming to a agreement of peace! If marriages, neighbors and coworkers could all learn to do this, what a truly wonderful world this could be!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Begin by learning to apologize to your children. This was an incredibly difficult lesson to learn for me, but remarkably liberating. Once you learn to apologize to your children, a whole new door opens. You’ll find that apologizing comes a bit easier, regardless of the person or situation. Brava, Cathy!

I’m just sitting with this video, letting myself feel it. It does seem to be that life feels much more fun, more interesting, and safer (emotionally, physically, healthfully, even financially) when we become neighbors with those we want to “cast out as an other.” Thank you for yet another heart-opening video. 🤲

Also, thank god that you're "weird", this is honestly such a genuine warm cup of tea of a channel, it makes me rethink my general youtube diet and subscriptions everytime :)

what a glorious message and i adore how you pressenred it!!! i wholeheartedley agree 👌🏻🖤

You are fortunate to have a neighbor who was willing to hear you out and work to build a relationship.

Sorry that happened to you :( Noisy neighbours are awful because you feel so nervous to say anything in case they react badly, even though you are well within your right to say something. Similar stuff has happened to me; I've had verbal abuse, beer cans thrown at me etc. when I've complained about noise at 1am, for example. Glad this situation turned out OK.

The person who said those horrible things are revealing the things they are upset about in their own life. It’s not about you. You were just the most convenient target. I’m sorry you have to deal with those idiots.

Thank you for this. I see several things I'm going to take out of this, one of which being that it's okay to metaphorically scream into a pillow for a bit, as long as you shape up and do what must be done soon afterward. I have a hard time giving myself any allowance of energy spent "unproductively" without feeling guilty, so the reminder that shrieking into the void is not entirely useless was definitely needed. I'm taking several other things out of it, too, but that was not one I expected, and I did need to hear it.

I was bullied for being "weird" in school, it was not to scale as yours but to me it felt that way. The everyday of bullying cause me to have depression/ anxiety and I admit that I need help and I am getting better. I don't know if anyone can understand me. If you are weird, your different, unique, beautiful, and your one of a kind. Don't change because they say so do your own thing.

Communications is not a skill that you learn once and are a master of it. It takes constant learning, practicing and application. We all interact with the world in our own way and talking things out is one of the few ways we as human beings have to understand each other. It isn't always nice or pleasant, but that doesn't make it any less necessary. It's easy to brush off the concerns of others if listening to them makes you reflect inward and see the less then perfect parts of yourself. There is no finish line for growing. No matter where you are in life you will never be 100% grown up where you will never need to learn or change ever again. Thank you for sharing Cathy, the magic of the internet can make it seem like the less then comfortable parts of life are a personal failing and not just a part of growing as an individual

This was an extremely classy, and thoughtful video to make. You are a very powerful storyteller! I've been spending a lot of time recently relearning my history of Europe, and seeing how biased my view of it has been. Thank you very much!

@MossyMozart

4 жыл бұрын

@KHAZimmermann - If you haven't already read it, read the book "Bury Me Standing". It will give you insight into the European history and lives of the Romani people (derogatorily called "Gypsies").

@KHAZimmermann

4 жыл бұрын

@@MossyMozart Thank you very much for the recommendation, I've never heard of it! I'll definitely go check it out!

@MossyMozart

4 жыл бұрын

@@KHAZimmermann - Have tissues ready!

Life sure isn't easy, it's not easy when you feel cornered somehow and (maybe especially when you're an introvert, not very assertive either) what comes out is not what you mean to say or wished came out. Communication in the heat of the moment facing verbal aggression ..... with our own past experiences messing things up. I recognize so much here, so very much ..... 😨😢 And I applaud you for the way you handled it in the end, that took courage! Way back when as a child of 8 to 10 years old I was badly bullied for who I was as a Christian, been beaten and kicked ... had my 'fair' share of bruises. Having half-brothers and half-sisters telling me I shouldn't have been born, that it would be better if I were dead. This being just the tip of the iceberg it left me with some bad coping mechanisms ... it's a struggle.

Once anyone who goes to the extent of an attack because of a simple request , is beyond repair of simple human compassion . At times I have been chastised, attacked verbally, for asking for a simple request. To be humble is one thing , to be ignored for a simple request is another . I have to take a deep breath and examine my actions as well . We are all a work in progress . Live and learn good or bad .

Total admiration for your maturity in being able to say I could be at fault too but please keep the noise down. Meeting people half way . Way to go! Maybe you'll get invited to one of their parties.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Bullying is never ok no matter who you are. I have been bullied and made fun of before and it hurts. Making amends/forgivness is hard but worth it in the end.

I'm an American theatrical costumer (grew up in upstate New York), and am very familiar with English cultural norms due to my social circles and my areas of cultural interest. As a shy quiet sensitive person in an often very loud and very direct culture, I had a time growing up and dove into all things British and thought you all were the epitome. Until I visited as a teenager (in the 80's), and I saw how much of that reticence to address any problems directly led to it leaking out in very unfriendly ways, like sideways looks, stares, pregnant silences, sarcasm, and things that generally come off to your average American as snobbery. However, I am very heartened to see that, at least on youtube and in popular culture, this is being addressed, and many seem to have come round to being more direct and honest and willing to have difficult conversations. Particularly now, it is heartening to see people in the UK holding black lives matter marches and beginning to address racism and the legacy of colonialism. The future looks hopeful, thanks to you, and people like you, and those difficult conversations will only get easier. Thanks for making your channel a place to learn about more than clothes, a place to learn about eachother.

Really really appreciated this, so many people i follow have been silent on these issues and it's been incredibly disheartening. I loved the way you presented this and worded it because it's so true! I think so many of us (me in included) are having our own versions of toddler fits. Because it is so incredibly sad and shameful to realize we've been contributing to a problem that hurts so many people so deeply. Thank you for making this cathy.

Thank you for such a moving and powerful video. In my neck of the woods (America) we've been dealing with some tense situations that have made it all too easy to point the finger at others and escalate things unnecessarily. This is an important reminder that we all have flaws and that only by being honest with ourselves can we hope to improve. We need to remember that even people with whom we disagree are still human, and that nothing is accomplished when we close ourselves off and refuse to listen. This should be shared with anyone who's feeling angry or frustrated or upset right now. Thank you, Cathy, for being eloquent and enlightened (as always!); and thank you for taking the time to share this with us. Hope you're doing well!

I see what you did here, Ms. Hay, and you have my profound thanks and admiration. I'm from the NYC. Sometimes, it feels overwhelming. Sometimes, it feels like nothing will change. I have to remind myself (a lot!) that things have changed, even if it isn't apparent in the moment. Thank you. Your channel is a constant source of inspiration and renewal for me. ❤

Cathy getting angry and throwing a fit because she knows she's gonna need to apologize too is extremely relatable.

Oh thank you so much!! I really needed to see this video, it couldn’t of come at a better time! I’ve been kinda struggling this last week to really look at myself and have a deep think and it’s hard to admit when you need to change when you know you’re a good person! But we all need to continue to better ourselves and make this world a better place!

Never apologise for something you haven’t done wrong. It’s probably about time you had a party.

@doro8856

4 жыл бұрын

Yeah, a really weird, loud party.

How lovely and genuine. Thanks so much for sharing. Your channel is new to me, but you seem very much like someone I should know. I’m discovering that staring closely at myself and acknowledging those flaws is, as Shakespeare says, “a birth which throes me much to yield.” What keeps me going is the certain knowledge of pain I’ve unthinkingly given others ... it’s only fair that I take on some of that pain or discomfort myself. Wishing you health and continued growth, and peace in plenty for your soul.

There are so many things happening right now, both in the world and in my much smaller sphere of life. Good things, bad things and all things in between. I have struggled to be present for quite some time, it has been my defense, but also caused me pain for missing out on some wonderful moments. You have helped me to take a few steps into the present, and I now find pockets of time where I let myself experience emotions. For this I am eternally grateful. I hope you read this and know that by sharing your journey, your struggles, imperfections and discoveries, you have truly touched my soul and bettered my life. Thank you.

One of the problems with being over-sensivity is a kind of narcissism, I know I had been there, and I learned it the hard way. The World does not revolve around us, even if we want peace. We live in society.☺️

I'm really glad that you decided to med things between you and your neighbors. We all are in many ways dealing with this type of situations... I realized a few months ago that I couldn't change the people around me, only myself so I decided to move out and now I'm living with more calm but I still reacting in a bad way when I have to interact with my family again ...So I'm working on it... Is difficult to not fall into your old ways of behaving....But is doable...

Your experience led me to thinking about some older (and not so older) issues that I've had with people. I wondered about you not going to the door. You had one reason but what struck me was the strength of both your reaction and response to the WRITTEN statement of your neighbor. It afforded you a distance to react and to hold off your response until you were through the reaction. I didn't even realize how much I needed to hear this. This is something I think I need to utilize. Thank you for being strong enough to put this out there. It does and will continue to matter.

Your initial response to the text is so so human and normal, but you responded in a more than normal way. Brava. I try to remind myself that my first reaction isn't the only one and feelings aren't fact. I know I've matured, and I ask for dialog more, but I have farther to go, I know.

Yesss, I love how you went through the backdoor and got straight to (a part of) the core of the problem 🙏 Thank you for the links!

Thank you Cathy for a beautiful start to my morning. You are spot on as usual. I lived in a small Suffolk village for ten years, and learned that lovely 'art' of subtlety. Today I will be attending the school of youtube watching videos, and later on requesting books from my local library. We do need to work on ourselves. Thank you once more.

Being humble and admitting your mistakes is all good, however you must also realize that not all people are as fine as your neighbors. There are some that will continue to be horrid no matter what. That was a hard lesson for me to learn as I am an optimist and think the best of people. I now avoid interaction with the nasty folk as much as I can, once I learn that they are that way. It seems to work for me.I absolutely love you and hope you will continue to share your thoughts and dreams with us.

I loved that I had no idea race was part of the mix in this story until the end... and even then I had to check the links to be sure. Because as a story of interpersonal conflict to me it shows where the work for peace and change really start - one on one with honest discussion and the humility to not just defend an original position. And that takes work on both sides. To my mind the worst acts in history have come from people who are certain that their previous victimisation means that they can do no wrong. We’re human so all of us, even those who have been abused, make mistakes. But being human we do find it hard to admit it, so thank goodness for role models like Cathy Hay that can show us that humility doesn’t have to be the same as humiliation.

A+ adult-ing is recognizing you are part of the problem, A++ adult-ing is proactively trying to not be anymore, in any way you're capable. I'd like to reiterate again that I am truly grateful to know of you as a human being. Thank you for all the things large and small you remind me to do.

Boy oh boy, did I need to hear this today.... Let me begin by saying how much I appreciate how you share the tough stuff with us, dear Cathy. It's somehow easier to really listen when you talk because you're very deliberate when you hit us with the hard ones, making it feel like a conversation rather than an attack (which is an issue I often have when asked to look at myself by some). Thank you so very much-- you are a gem.

I middle school & high school I hated being the weirdo. Then I went to university and met other weirdos! Who knew there were other people like me?! This was before the internet so it was amazing to finally not be the only one. It took the sting out of being called "weird" or "nerd" once I had my little tribe that I belonged to. Getting along with your neighbors is so important, too. At my previous place the loud neighbor was a sports bar. Unfortunately they weren't interested in dialogue and numerous other neighbors had resorted to calling the police on them for assorted issues, to no avail. I ended up moving, a very expensive and stressful solution. At my current apartment, when my neighbor played music super loud so that it was audible to my coworkers in the zoom meeting, I went next door and very anxiously asked her if she could please just turn it down a little. She was startled -- to my relief, she simply hadn't realized I was home! She turned it down and honestly nothing could have made me like her better.

You're literally the UK version of Fred Rodgers. You're inspirational. I've had my fair share of blasting off and hitting the roof, and everyone does but you model so well how we can make things better. Thank you for this video!

Thanks so much for sharing Cathy! This message is so important for people to hear! We live in an era of so much tension and social unease, it's really wonderful to see another person making an effort to forgive and keep the peace.

From the view I have here, you seem to have more than 81.1K friends. Surely that is more friends than most people can lay claim to having. Kudos for working through the situation in your head in a mature manner.

You have such a wonderful way of putting things, and I admire the strength you have to be so vulnerable and be able to share.

Your videos always seem to come at the right time, I needed to hear this recently and I really learn a lot from how you talk through various topics. Thank you Cathy and I hope you are doing well!

This was my Ted Talk for today.

There’s something about this truly wholehearted, real conversation coupled with that waistcoat that just made me melt. Thank you for this opportunity to reflect.

Can I keep this video with me at all times? You are so awesome

I was so very afraid that she was quitting the peacock dress when I read the title.

@lauravivanco

4 жыл бұрын

Given that Cathy linked to a video above, in which Dr Shashi Tharoor MP provided information about British rule in India, and since Cathy also said, in the pinned comment, that in her video "One thing is very obviously sitting on the top left: the Indian elephant in the room. That's deliberate too", I would guess that Cathy is thinking through the implications of these things for the manufacture of the fabric of the peacock dress, and for the dress as a whole.

@Costuming_Drama

4 жыл бұрын

Why do you comment as if “she” isn’t reading them?

@MartiasMuses

4 жыл бұрын

:D

I can relate strongly to this. I play online games and the chat features on them can be rather awful, most of the time I ignore the chat feature and just play the game. However, in the last year I had made a few good friends on the game, so when I saw the most commonly rude people bashing one of my friends; they were calling her fat, a drug addict, and several even more vulgar things I prefer not to repeat; I snapped back at them. At first I simply told them that they were being disgusting and to keep their comments to themselves, this prompted them to make rude comments about me, and after that I got angry and said a number of crude things back at them. I don't believe they are capable of feeling remorse for the things they said, as I've witnessed them bully multiple other players for over a year, and they have never apologized to any of their victims. But I expected better of myself. It was very satisfying to say cruel things to them in the moment, but when I had cooled down, I realized that I had behaved as poorly as they do, and I was ashamed of myself.

Thank you for always being vulnerable and sharing your beautiful stories. One of the community rules at the job I have been recently laid off at is to sit in uncomfortable conversations and situations. That’s a terrible paraphrase but the sentiment behind it is to not gloss over or dismiss the authenticity and validity in someone’s situation. To be uncomfortable is to acknowledge something is not right and that there is work to be done about it. When I co facilitated the Anti Racism Adhoc at my job, there were difficult conversations had on both sides with issues much older than the building we worked in. Talking, learning, creating safe spaces, and identifying key issues was transformative experience for everyone. It was most certainly an exercise in listening and communicating. I’m a person of color who absolutely still has learning to do. The biggest difference someone can make for another person is listening and acknowledging. I appreciate this video and it’s message and I hope beautiful change comes from it.

This reminds me of my highschool days. I wasn't popular. I may had 3 close friends and I've known I was quite weird. Back then I always thought it's their fault, they don't treat me nice, they are the ones who talk bad about me and don't include me. Overtime though, I realized that I wasn't better than them. That there'sso much I did wrong myself. Sadly I blame myself a little too hard for the things that happend years ago. But what I learned from this is that no one is perfect and everyone can behave horrible/wrong. The important thing is to realize it and trying to change. (And if you're still in contact with those people, apologize, even if you're scared they think you're weird. It can definitly help, lifting the weight that may be on your shoulders, because of it)

Your courage in retelling your story was like watching an act of Grace! I’ve watched you on & off over the last year and I can tell you it’s your sensitivity that is helping us all to be better, make deeper choices & create change in a challenging world. Many thanks for being yourself and allowing us to be shown a better way. Friends? You have so many, you just haven’t met us all yet. As you said in another vlog lots of us are HSP and also scattered across the planet. Love from Australia.

I’m proud of you for taking the texts to heart instead off the getting defensive and mending fences instead of tearing the relationship further apart. I tend to first get angry and lash out when given criticism, especially if it’s not leveled in a constructive manner. My mother always taught me to take criticism, look at it carefully, glean whatever can make me a better person, and let the rest roll off like water from a duck’s back. I have a long way to go yet, but I’ve gained some good friends through interactions that originally started out confrontational. One of those is no longer with us, but I’m glad we had the chance to come to terms before he died, because I think it would have always haunted me thereafter. That said, I don’t believe in taking on criticism that is unjustified. I did that for too many years and it tore my self esteem apart. I put my foot down and won’t let people push me down to make themselves feel better. I will admit where I’m wrong, but I’m not taking responsibility for other people’s misbehavior either.

Thank you for sharing this, Cathy, and for always being a beacon of self-improvement, both interpersonally and creatively.

how ironic that earlier today I needed to ask someone to turn it down. I detest interacting with others and did not want to play the "bitchy old person" neighbor. But my throat was vibrating to the bass coming from the foundation of my house! It was an SUV down the street. So I got out my old accordion, poor neglected thing, and went out to practice next to the thumping car. I smiled broadly, greeted him pleasantly, complimented his audio, told him I had to get out of my house because the bass, which was the only part I could hear, was vibrating my throat. So I figured hey, let's share music! Now to be clear, what comes out of my accordion is NOT musical in any sense. But, challenge accepted, he smiled and assured me he thought it was awesome. The neighbor came out to see and I assured him nobody was mad, we were just "sharing experiences." Job done, I smiled and waved and played my way home. Bass was turned down, everyone was bemused. I so feel for you, you are in a terrible position having to find peace in a shared building that way. I learned the hard way years ago that people who've not enough respect to consider you in the first place are not going to empathise or care about your problems. My solution, truthfully, had the implicit threat of sunrise accordion serenades, but the smiling was the part that made it work. Have you considered taking up the violin, clarinet or any brass instrument?

@MossyMozart

4 жыл бұрын

@anar kissed - You are FUNNY! Good job; carry on.

It takes a lot of courage to admit your wrongs. We don't often get to see someone own up to it, both in media and in real lief. For me, this message came at exactly the right time. Thank you for sharing this story!

I love learning about other people. It does indeed make them seem more human. Life is too short to think of others merely as objects. Life is too fun and wonderful to be bogged down with such thoughts. Maybe I'll be better at this this week too. Thank you, lovely lady, for posting such uplifting messages for us to improve ourselves. Thank you for the challenge. Being wrong is very uncomfortable. I never find it any less so in subsequent instances than in previous. Been ng weird isn't bad, though. I love being weird. It's so much fun, and I get to appreciate so many other people's weirdness and see how we compliment each other by our very existence. Thank you again for being so good (not perfect, but good)! I hope very much one day to meet you!