Such a good video -- thank you! I was 33 when I finally got out of my mom's place and started having a life of my own, and a relationship. I feel really sad about all those years I missed out on becoming an adult and independent because my mom wanted to keep me at home and never to leave her.

@ashleywhite03

Жыл бұрын

I'm 28 and I'm going through a similar thing. I'm scared that she'll never let me be independent on my own. she keeps thinking I'm going to turn on her or whatever ☹

@tobifighter6877

Жыл бұрын

@@ashleywhite03 Just move out please.

@LadyQInspires

Жыл бұрын

Yes that is me!!!

My dad was very abusive and always used the "children obey your parents."

@handlebarstached7272

Жыл бұрын

I suffer almost exactly what you did, but with my mother.

I needed this. I have been struggling with a similar dynamic. It's so hard because now my kids (their grandkids) are involved. Pray for me!

@bizzee47

2 ай бұрын

As an older Mom of adult kids, I am "getting" what I have been doing wrong! Videos like this one and eye-opening by the Holy Spirit are helping - a lot! So... please take this in love from someone who has seen and experienced both sides of daughter/mother estrangement: please do not use your own kids as "punishment" towards your parents! In other words, try not to keep your parents from seeing their grandkids! I missed out on the first 4 or 5 yrs of a few of my grandkids, and it was like hell on earth! Please find other ways to deal with your parents like boundaries. Or, maybe less frequent visits. Or do visits as an entire family instead of having your kids be alone with the grandparents. I tell you this because I can't tell my own adult children! Two of them have dangled, "keep X up, and you won't see the grandkids" (x being parenting too much!) I hope this is helpful!! Also, pray! God's heart is reconciliation (after all, He reconciled us to Himself!) Blessings to you as you navigate this time in your life!

I despise in-laws who baby their adult (middle-age) sons. What a load.

@mindylehrman6471

Жыл бұрын

I recently broke it off my with 32 yr old fiancé bc he’s still living at home in this dynamic with his siblings. His parents don’t apparently see them as free loaders. They all have jobs and respect each other in the home, but the sons have all of their laundry, cleaning, food prep, etc done for them. I decided that I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to completely take care of their home responsibilities on their own. Their mom LOVES to “care” for them like this, and they don’t hate it 🙄. Not my style. He says he won’t move out “just to move out.” He has NO IDEA what moving out actually does for a person/personal growth. No longer my monkey or circus. 🙏🏻

@kcx2678

Жыл бұрын

@@mindylehrman6471 You just dodged a bullet. A man-child will never grow up. It’s their family dynamic and it’s already engraved in his soul. You will always be second to his mother and even to his siblings. And he will always expect you to act like his “mother” (do his laundry, cook, etc) while he plays around. You saw the red flags and you listened to your instinct. Thank God!

I have the same issue with my mom. She’s very enmeshed and I’ve tried time and time again both respectfully and not so much letting her know I’m not her child and don’t need to be controlled by her. She gets angry and gaslights. Constantly points out my faults even after I’ve agreed and apologized for the ones I have, but doesn’t own her own. I just had to hang up when she started shouting. I’m not 10 and even if I was, that kind* of display of “power” isn’t appropriate.

@lynnec3372

2 жыл бұрын

I am the only child and my elder mother does theee same. I know that she feels threatened by me wanting boundaries respected and she undoubtedly never had hers respected. She is an elder bully tho and wants to be in control and vulnerable at same time. Im middle aged and have suffered low self esteem in part bc I deferred to her.

@ymfg9004

Жыл бұрын

OMG. The SUGGESTION OF GASLIGHTING. Do you live with your parents? If so, grow up and get out. Your parents don't want you there.

My mom passed away a year ago. Dad was narcissistic, lots of verbal abuse, death threats. He passed away 25 years ago. I always idealized my mom: so sweet, kind… Now I realize she has been infantilizing me…

I just found you, and wow. You are great! I'm listening to this young woman - who is in between the age of my daughters - and a few lightbulbs went off. I "get" where my semi-estranged daughter is coming from!! I can see how I have STILL been "parenting" my adult daughters! Ouch... but, thank you! I especially love that you so naturally and seamlessly bring Scripture in to back it all up! I will be listening to more of your videos!!

I love this girl’s example and responses.

It's our job as parents to prepare our kids for the day that we aren't there we have to let them go and live their life we have to let them make their mistakes and let them fall because they will fall everybody does when they're learning how to walk on their own that's how we learn by making those mistakes and falling but we need to let them do this while we are still here to help them back up because it's much harder to learn that lesson when they've been carried their whole life and suddenly has to walk on their own and has nobody there to help them get back up after their first full

I wish Dr Cloud would stop interrupting the caller. She is desperately trying to communicate her thoughts & feelings. You can tell that she is broken by the situation.

@brandyk

22 күн бұрын

Yes sometimes I feel that way. But it really may be that he only has a certain amount of time for each call n maybe his manner helps people to get to the point n clarify their actual question which is often different than their expressed question. I feel this young woman's pain n we really don't even have too many details as their usually isn't enough time to even get beyond most recent issue. The older someone gets n the more people involved like siblings etc the more complicated it gets. What she really wants to know is how can she get her father to love her the way she wants or at all. You could step back a bit and say she wants to know how she can get her father to change but even she said she knows she can't. She knows this intellectualy from things she's learned by reading or listening to other shows or even therapy but she hasn't grieved the fact that they are not going to change. She may also be contemplating a cut off from them as she is experiencing them not adhering or pushing back in what she sees as a rude way to her boundaries n thinks perhaps that's what she has to do to save her sanity n not respond in an angry outburst herself one day n say something she may regret. This was part of the reason I had to go to estrangement from my family,I knew one day,one moment I would not be able to continue to take the high road and only bring up issues n struggles in a healthy way sometimes even including letters. We all have our breaking point n none of this info was widely available back in 2007-2012. I think she wonders what kind of a relationship can it really be if it's just this Sunday go thru the motions call with nothing ever having been understood n agreed upon not just adhered to by the parents as they will just have more n more resentment towards the caller as the years go by especially if she starts putting too much restrictions in their mind how often the can see grandkids. These things tend to fester so sometimes a cut off with the hope that they eventually see the error of their ways for lack of better term but it often won't as people can be stubborn and defensive n especially if they have other kids they get along with at least for now.

My Mother snooped through my things and disposed of my personal items like photographs and a poster. My Father has recently sent a nasty parental injunction against a relationship I am in. They've done this all my life and I'm ready to pull the plug.

The thing that bothers me, is that even in my 40's, my mother still treats me like a child. I don't mind her speaking into my life, but when she does, she's so angry about it, and wants to cut me off if I don't comply.

God has led me to your video. My mother is the same, she texts through the day and even through the evening, whether I respond or not, it gets overwhelming. And if I cannot or do not respond, she texts my husband about me to get a response. Nice to hear a Christian response.

What a great video and answer 👏 Thank you

Second time I’ve watched this video and so much wisdom here. Thanks Dr. Cloud!

This is so good. I've really been enlightened with watching this. EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS.

Needed to hear this..... thank you...

Great video but the part where we tell the parent that we feel sad that the time could not be used properly, most controlling parents will just say “I didn’t ask your opinion, “I don’t care how you feel,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” because they invalidate us. The invalidation is what keeps them controlling us, isn’t it ? No Contact is often the only solution because most controlling parents do not respect the fact that their child is an adult. This lady in the video is 29, but I’m 50 and being treated like a child by 80 year old parents. No Contact is the only way. Walk away.

Yes! This answered many of my questions. Thank you so much Dr. Cloud. 💓

My dad used to call me each evening. He is gone now and I would give anything to pick up the phone and have him on the other end. I always looked forward to hearing from him. I also met him for lunch several times a week. I even saved a few of his voice mails.

@mellimel1174

Ай бұрын

Sounds like you had a great one. The dynamics between parent and child can be complicated, especially when there is narcissism involved. My parents are sweet, but the put lots of guilt trips on us, even when we give the time. They say it’s not enough and we are selfish for not making them priority one.

@brandyk

22 күн бұрын

​@@mellimel1174I got news for you...that's not sweet. This other person may have a much better relationship with the parent(Dad) n really enjoy his company n it wasn't forced but natural n more than likely this person had a lot more time to devote to their Dad. Some people don't work much or have significant other, kids or even many or any friends so not only do they not mind they actually welcome it. Everyone situation is different.

@mellimel1174

22 күн бұрын

@@brandyk , the guilt trip behavior isn’t sweet. But they are loving and raised us pretty well, despite the selfish behavior. We didn’t really notice it as much until their old age. It’s like age really can out the flaws in the personality. So we set boundaries as Dr. Cloud advises.

I’m 40. My older brother wants to have his own life so he moved overseas. My mum doesn’t want to trouble him so she chose to live with me without my agreement. I don’t get to go out with friends, let alone dating without dramas from her. Gaslighting and guilt tripping occur daily and my opinions never matters. If I disagree on sth, she and my brother will stop talking to me. I no longer have a reason to be in the world, really.

Wish I had told my kids when I was available to mother them. They're busy but so am I.

Love toxic parents from afar and go no contact. The parents most likely will never learn. If they’re not convinced of their abusive behavior then you need to cut all ties. Since God created us in His image, He wouldn’t want us to live in abuse.

Lol try going through Covid shut downs, major job losses, and two hurricanes. That landed us on my parents property in a mobile home. Any boundaries I was working on is shot or even dangerous to the mental well being of our kids. I’m in the process of just shoving it all down and am pretty sure I’ve been in an extreme state of no emotions for years now. My husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor and my biggest concern for me was repeating “I don’t actually feel anything. I want to… but it’s not there”.

I am 27. I have the same. Making boundries but sometimes still hard.

😢 I'm 43 and have let my parents continue to control everything about my life, and regret it every day! I was expecting to grow up and become somebody, putting my talents to use. I, was supposed to get married to the woman of my dreams at 23 but I let my father talk me out of doing it😢😢😢 I've given up on myself, not doing anything with my life, tired of watching this life pass me by day after day! It sucks to feel like a complete nobody!!!

Every story has two sides and we all make ourselves sound blameless.

Hard to chew as a parent

Example. Parents had a infidelity issue 8 years ago and haven’t resolved it. Now the dad constantly brings it up to the daughter. How do you help her set boundaries about their parents issue being vented to with the daughter

@CariBarbour

Жыл бұрын

say "dad, this sounds like something you should be talking to a counsellor about, I don't know how to help with this and to be honest am uncomfortable with the topic. let's change the topic

Give me the tea 😂 YES !!

What does a mom do when the daughter is mean, and cuts you off? I am not a gaslighter, mean or hurtful mom. My daughter takes everything I say or feel and turns it against me. I have a grandbaby that she withholds, when I do not do what she wants. I moved across country to be near my only immediate family. There is codependency involved, I am in a 12 step program and working it as well as counseling. There is ALOT more to this, mental health issues on my daughter side but I love her and do NOT know how to have a relationship with her? Its always so hard. I cant do anything right or say anything right in her eyes. Please help.

@eecneihappy

2 жыл бұрын

❤ I am so 😞 Maybe call Dr. Cloud ☁️? I am *guessing* your daughter has come into trauma or had an abusive relationship and is either transferring or projecting her now very tight, compensating boundaries on you? (I am not a doctor or therapist.) If she is prone to "all or nothing thinking" this is especially problematic. I don't have kids but I am the daughter who still gets told "I should do this and that" from my family and had most if not all of my boundaries I did try obliterated by all immediately family.. but I usually listen to what they say (incase it is something useful) but will now stop or voice my boundaries when they become judgemental. Some I've had to step away and limit contact. I am also codependent and probably should join a group. I only learned about boundaries in my 40's (due to several trauma relationships and I do still resent family for boundary crushing but am grateful for everything else, and nobody's perfect.) It is hard to be a parent. Hope that helps? I would still call Dr.Cloud :)

@christianbosse_

2 жыл бұрын

I couldn’t say I know best in your situation, but I’d venture to guess maybe giving her space is a good idea. She might have a lot of healing to do both alone and with you, and space tends to help.

@recoveringsoul755

2 жыл бұрын

My children won't talk to me because I'm going through a divorce, and their father is controlling them. Forced them to lie about ME and I lost custody, have not lived with them in 8 years. I think one may have died and the other has horrendous health issues. Parental Alienation. It's not necessarily YOU, not sure what the father is doing in your situation or how good of a relationship you had with them before. I had a great relationship and in 2 months they did a complete 180 and kicked me illegally out of my home. At ages 21 and 16 because they wanted to drink like their alcoholic dad who ignored them for their entire childhood, and my youngest wanted to smoke pot. I did not approve so I was ejected.

@CariBarbour

Жыл бұрын

@@recoveringsoul755 You think one of your children died and you're not sure?? I'm so sorry you're in that situation and hoping things are better for you now, a year later.

@recoveringsoul755

Жыл бұрын

@@CariBarbour I kept asking the older one if the younger one was alive, and they never responded either way, leading me to believe that they were dead. But later, I got one of many calls for my ex's new slave, seemed important so I called the last known number I had for the youngest, and they actually answered (I hid my number). It's pure evil to let me think they were dead, unless my emails are blocked or something. I wish I knew what was going on. I have not spoken or heard from either since then

I'm in the opposite position. I moved away from my adult daughter when she was 21. She's tried several times, over the years, to move back in with me and guilt trips me (saying I'm a bad mother for not allowing her to come live with me every time her life falls apart which is frequently). She resents the fact that she's had to grow up and that I expect her to behave like an adult (she's now in her 30s) and take responsibility for herself. I've let her know that I'll always support her in any way I can which doesn't mean I'll still take responsibility for her. She seems to think that a mother's role is to be eternally responsible for their child no matter how old they are. She mistreats me when she can't get her way and after putting up with her increasingly bullying behavior, for a season, I put my foot down and ended up having to cut ties altogether with her even though it broke my heart to do so.

@DizzyWolf

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like she tried really hard to get you to be the parent she hoped you would be, and you just couldn't. Wishing all the best to both of you.

@anta3612

Жыл бұрын

@@DizzyWolf We live in a time when everything is considered a parent's fault. It's more complicated than that. Situations can be complex and this is a very simplistic answer to people you don't know. Thanks anyway, I'm sure you meant well. Wishing you the best too.

@anta3612

Жыл бұрын

@@DizzyWolf True but you have no idea whether or not I'm a healthy parent or anything about me as a person in general based on the comments I've made. Take care.

@anta3612

Жыл бұрын

@@DizzyWolf It's only natural to be guarded with people you don't know. Also, being guarded with a stranger on the internet, is not an indication either of what sort of person I am in private. To be honest, your comment sounded a little ambiguous to me as in it wasn't clear what you were trying to say exactly. Perhaps this was on purpose or perhaps not. There's a lot of parent bashing that goes on so I responded on the grounds that perhaps I could be dealing with that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, though. Apology accepted. You have a good one too. :)

@anta3612

Жыл бұрын

@@DizzyWolf Every person has the right to disclose as much (or as little) as they deem fit about themselves (personal boundaries). However, this doesn't give another person the right to pry or to assume that they automatically should disclose even more (violating the personal boundaries of another) which is what you seem to be implying/saying. Having boundaries has nothing to do with hypocrisy. No-one has an obligation to give anyone a full account of their business. Also, opinions are one thing, being judgemental another and it sounds like you were judging me: first by calling me guarded and then hypocritical. Perhaps you hadn't intended to bash me but that's how it's come across. I don't know where you are from (I'm from the UK but have lived in the US and know that you tend to be more open over there) so it could just be down to differences in culture and communication styles. At any rate, I hope you find the clarity you seek. Take care. Peace.

My son needed me as long as his children were young enough to need a free baby sitter, after that it is good-by

@kyleoneill9273

Жыл бұрын

Well maybe you should have stuck with being the babysitter and not did whatever else you were doing to make him ghost you were you still treating him as a child that needed your unsolicited opinion and advise and parenting and getting in his business and his private life and telling him how to raise his kids if you were doing any of those you deserve it and I'm not surprised but if you were only treating him as an equal peer and adult and no longer your child and treating him more as you would a colleague because as far as I'm concerned you shouldn't even be looking at him as a friend honestly because let's face it he's not your friend he has his own friends and his own life go back to your life before you had him and reconnect with some old friends or make some new ones your own age and let him live his own life but other than that as long as you wasn't do anything to interfere in or try to influence his life then I'm sorry he did that to you as parents it's our job to prepare our kids to be able to survive after we are gone and need to let them go out and live their life and let them fall so that we can help them back up while we are still here to help them get back up and learn their lesson because it's much harder lesson to be learned when there's nobody there to pick them back up

@brandyk

22 күн бұрын

That may be true but that would be a very rare case. I suspect there's more too this but with the timing of it it may feel like that. Did he tell you why? I do not have respect for grown kids who don't at least let their parents know why they are upset, frustrated n or angry with them. To me it's heartless and cowardly but you also have to look at why they may be so afraid of confrontation. What did you teach them about healthy conflict resolution?

This guy doesn't know how to listen and likes to be the centre of attention. Let your guest speak!

Well my son and I have a good relationship, the only thing that comes in between us is the fact that I disagree with how he is not being responsible with his health. I am horrified at how i have educated him, took very good care of him as he was growing up but since he has become an adult, he just doesnt care . His dad has kidney failure and so many diseases runs on both sides of the family. He doesnt follow up with his dental and bordeline diabetes and hypertension. He just wont listen. It hurts me knowing that if he continues it isnt going to end well. It makes me so angry. I dont understand why is there such a stigma wirh men and their health . He is 30, I know I just need to let go.

@DizzyWolf

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like you have a lot of disgust and anger, and I'm willing to bet your son picks up on it. Consistently feeling that from someone who is supposed to be a loving parent can easily diminish one's quality of life and make them not care anymore. He needs to take care of himself for him, not for you. Just love him, no matter what.

@d.kelleylockett8149

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like his father led a poor example.

@jlcmsw

9 ай бұрын

Men are notorious for avoiding medical treatment. He has to have a wake up moment on his own to see how important his health is.

@brandyk

22 күн бұрын

I don't think you need to let go but clearly what you're doing isn't working n at this point probably hurting. You don't need to be angry at him . He is not doing this to YOU. You are worried and scared for him. I would Google it or call a show and ask for specific advice but I would imagine he doesn't feel good about himself for whatever reasons that may have something to do with you n his childhood or not but just preaching at him n giving him facts is not working.

She is lying.

OMG! All of you selfish young people complaining about your parents who have given up so much for you and I bet you won't be there for them in their hour of need. Seen it all before, not just for myself but in my role as a nurse. Grow a set and stop complaining

@minniemin1324

Жыл бұрын

You sound like my dad, who's an abusive narcissist and my mom's his enabler. Parents have to give up their own wants for the needs of their children, that's the BARE MINIMUM. To give a child a home, food, and clothing is the least parents can do when it comes to having a kid. My parents decided to have me and my brother, so they gave up a lot to take care of us and none of that is our fault, even though we are guilt-tripped by them because apparently buying basic food necessities is "too expensive". Even though I'm fed, clothed, and housed, I won't be there for my parents when they're older because they treat me as property, they don't see me as human, they scream at me and hit me, I can't make learning mistakes without being yelled at, they guilt-trip me, and they say I'm not allowed my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

@hiddenhand6973

11 ай бұрын

Children didn't ask to be born and aren't born to serve mom and dad. Guilt trippin'!

@jlcmsw

9 ай бұрын

I second that we didn’t ask to be born. YOU chose to have your child. That means YOU are responsible for how your children turn out. I used to work for CPS. Parents are supposed to give and provide for their children until the age of 18. That’s YOUR responsibility and parental role. Your kids owe you no prize for your legal obligation.

@brandyk

22 күн бұрын

Gee I really feel sorry for your kids. You have it backwards. It's not about all you did. That is what you're supposed to do at a minimum when you make the very important decision to have a child. They are under no obligation to do same for you when you are older. They are under no obligation to even talk to you or see you. Of course if you do the bare minimum as well as treat them lovingly n respectfully even though you'll make some mistakes most grown kids will want to continue a relationship with you,will love n care about you n make some sacrifices for you when time comes if they can.