Ohh this is tough. My husband brought me to a new city for his job. At that point he disclosed his addiction. I dealt with that and decided to try. Until I went on his tablet and discovered his infidelities. The biggest thing I want is to return to my old city to be with my friends and children who are there to support me. I no longer feel SAFE in this town. I begrudge the town for all this revealed pain and suffering. I feel that getting me out of here is an important component to my healing. Unfortunately, my husband will not leave his new job. He wants a 6-hour long distance relationship. I do not have the trust in him to have this kind of relationship. He’s just not understanding my need to get out of this town. I feel he still wants his cake and eat it too. I don’t want to end my marriage. I feel I need to as he’s doing none of his own recovery and not assisting me with mine.

@samshealingpodcast

5 жыл бұрын

sounds like you need to consider drawing some boundaries Trina. do you have anyone helping you in your recovery? are you seeing anyone professionally? have you looked at some of the articles on our site that will help you heal? there are a ton of free resources here: www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home

I have struggled so much. On one hand he tries to give me access to everything and make me a priority. Buts its usually only for 2 weeks or to win me back. Then goes back to same behaviours where hes making choices that ive expressed makes me feel unsafe. Im so sick of fighting for myself to be a priority 😭 but then I keep falling for his promises to be better and says hes sorry and can express understanding. But then it happens all over again. Its a vicious cycle and I'm struggling to be strong and not take him back when he begs. I try say no but he keeps persisting til I give in💔

Thank you so much for that. I did draw a line and didn't back out and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Especially knowing that my young children would be involved. Through working on codependency I realized that part of it was wounds from childhood that actually kept me in the abuse from fear of abandonment, the pain of loneliness and worrying about others. Once I started working on self love and acknowledging my role in the disfunction, my world has changed for the better and I no longer seek out validation from my ex or anyone else. Great video Samuel!

@samshealingpodcast

6 жыл бұрын

so glad you're here Justin. i know it's a tough road. your self love and healing is vital for the next season of your life as a man. thank you for the encouragement about the videos.

This was one of my favorites! I finally drew some boundaries and helped give me some courage to stick by them no matter what.

This is my biggest problem. I dont want to bear the consequences of drawing boundaries.. He agrees to the boundaries and tells me he accepts it as punishment. Now I feel like I am dishing out punishment. He refuses to talk I send your videos which he ignores. He wont heal he just wants to move on. he tbrows himself into his job and I cant work bcos we have this awkward tensions in the house. I have constant headaches and backaches bcos I am living with the boundaries. My husband comes from an unhealthy family background where they dont talk and live lies. He has now brought that into my life and I am stuck with the choices of putting my foot down not only with a man who still thinks we all ok bcos he accepted his punishment. Thats so unhealthy for all of us.

Drawing boundaries and removing my child from the situation. Was the only thing that got though to my spouse!!!! Thank you for all the advice!!!!!!

@blueseptember2174

2 жыл бұрын

Did you get divorced?

my God I needed to hear this 💙

You should put the link to website in the videos. But thank you for the words. It has been enlightening over the past couple of days.

@samshealingpodcast

6 жыл бұрын

thank you, i believe it comes on at the end no? but thank you for the suggestion and feedback.

I am stuck as my husband does not want to seek help and still has contact with the affair partner. How much time should I give him until I set down an ultimatum?

I need to find a councelor or program i can work on to help me focus on my recovery. He acts like he doesnt know what to do yet he is able to be high functioning in his job. He cheated i let him stay here as long as recovery was taking place. Its not. I let him know what we needed to do yet he wont do the work. I need to now make sure i am okay. I dont know where to start.

@samshealingpodcast

6 жыл бұрын

ok, start with harboring hope for you and your own healing: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope then, ask him to do the bootcamp with you: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp if he will not do this work with you, use these resources: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if he refuses to get help, use consequences and if the consequences won't get through to him, then you'll need to see what next steps you need to take my friend.

@veronicamariegracia9271

5 жыл бұрын

I know how you feel cause right now it feels like I am married to my kids. What I do know is that as a person that suffered from self abuse and substance abuse is that I have to set boundaries for my pain that allow my self to keep hurting myself. I have to accept the letting go part ,and allowing God to take over all my actions behind all this abuse .. Kids. Can be more harmful when they keep throwing up the last .I as a drug addict I can't keep allowing them to ruin my masterpiece cause it's not their recovery it's mine...

I caught my husband in his porn addiction and he says he has stopped but is still unable to initiate sex with me. (He has never initiated in 10 yrs!) He is seeing a counselor but there is no change. I have drawn lines but can't decide whether to stay or go. He seems to do the bare minimum required. Any suggestions?

@samshealingpodcast

5 жыл бұрын

yes, do a substantial program like ours (or others that are out there) and then put a deadline on your decision down the road after the program. i would recommend at least maybe 3 to 6 months, and make sure you're seeing an expert. something like our ems weekend, then maybe seeing one of our therapists etc will help. you don't have to stay stuck forever I promise you that. if he's doing the bare minimum, it's a good start, but the right quality of help will be a bit of a vetting out process. if he sees an expert and continues to only do the minimum, it's probably writing on the wall friend.

@saundracohen4032

2 жыл бұрын

Check out some of Dr. Doug Weiss' material.

Should/could these principles be applied to the betrayed spouse who refuses to do quality work on their own healing?

@samshealingpodcast

4 жыл бұрын

not identically no as they are the victim in all of this and they are the ones who suffer the most.

@nathans8616

4 жыл бұрын

@@samshealingpodcast Thank you, has there been a betrayed boundary video?

@samshealingpodcast

4 жыл бұрын

@@nathans8616 www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/proper-use-of-boundaries-in-marriage here's a great one for you.