"... having a ruff couple of days"...

@yo-yo-wallkski9227

20 күн бұрын

To better that was " Who said Ruff "

@foppishdilletaunt9911

20 күн бұрын

She’ll keep pimping herself for Trumpledforeskin’s VP until the last dog is hung.

@peterbathum2775

20 күн бұрын

Bow WOW !

@andrewzeedyk3095

20 күн бұрын

You'll be getting a ride to the "vet" from Christi soon.

@arthurneddysmith

20 күн бұрын

We saw the joke when Seth did it.

Trump hates dogs. Noem was auditioning.

@user-qf7ud5de9h

20 күн бұрын

She reminds me of my great aunt. Happy Mothers day everyone, we love you, even if we don't agree with fascism and genocide. You cannot just make up your own rules and ignore the constitution and Institute pogroms of genocide for personal gain. If you lack ethics you will not be followed too. Corruption cannot inherit incorrupton

@user-qf7ud5de9h

20 күн бұрын

Trump is a jackal what are you talking about?

@NoThatRyan

20 күн бұрын

That or she thinks shooting animals you're supposed to be raising will somehow appeal to farmers or hunters.

@sherinameless1618

20 күн бұрын

She basically said that it was to show voters that she isn't like Joe Biden, with all that compassion and decency. No, she pitched herself as the perfect modern GOP candidate: cruel, thoughtless, and a member of the NRA. She just forgot that even MAGA loves puppies.

@daveroche6522

20 күн бұрын

Speaking of dogs, any sign of Donkey Pongs latest bestie Laura Looney?

"Who said rough/ruff?" - well played sir!

@betsiecleworth5853

20 күн бұрын

Winner of best dead dog joke so far I think

@walterjacksn1466

20 күн бұрын

I HATE 45 TOO!!!

@Kevin_Street

19 күн бұрын

I laughed.

@IhateSIGNINGup4this

19 күн бұрын

To quote Buford T Justice, "Woof."

Farm life is different. It doesn't include killing healthy animals, though.

@PleaseDontEatAnimals

20 күн бұрын

Actually, most of the animals killed on farms are completely healthy and are only months old when killed after living a horrible life of torture. I grew up helping my family butcher animals and that's partly why I'm now vegan. The average American kills 100 innocent animals per year. 😢 I don't support Kristi Noem in any way. She is cruel. That said, most people support shooting innocent animals in the head--they just do it vicariously and pay slaughterhouse workers to use the captive bolt gun. We humans don't need to eat other animals (in fact, vegans live on average 6♀️ to 10♂️years longer than animal eaters). And innocent animals do NOT deserve to be incarcerated, tortured, branded, castrated, and have their teeth and other body parts cut off (all without anesthesia), then killed at a fraction of their normal lifespans--many dismembered while still fully conscious--just for the pleasure of human taste buds. Everyone can make the choice to get out of an abusive relationship today simply by going vegan.✌🏽❤️🐕🐖🐈🐄🐣🐟🐬🐐🐑🦃🐢 To quote Alice Walker: "The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than Black people were made for Whites or women for men."

Yes, the Independent ticket for 2024 is RFK Jr./Dead Brain Worm. Their motto is "Now is the time for Ivermectin."

@mariyamwaniki

20 күн бұрын

😆😆😆

@francescaa8331

20 күн бұрын

😆😆😆

@riparianlife97701

20 күн бұрын

I live in a particularly hot and humid part of Mexico, eat pork, and have a dog. I take Ivermectin periodically for what it's actually for.

@joachimschoder

19 күн бұрын

Nothing says "I hate big pharma" like promoting a medication owned by Merck one of the biggest pharma companies in the world

@IMArt-kx2ci

19 күн бұрын

🎯

hole in the dog was priceless

The hole in the dog joke has to be Scollins. I feel like corrections could have a little game show where Jackals guess "was it Scollins?"

@fatmn

20 күн бұрын

We need this because we're getting good at it haha

@dolladrinx

19 күн бұрын

That's how we end up with another "oops, all Scollins" segment again.

@snr0n

18 күн бұрын

I almost wish he’d actually do that, because people are always baselessly claiming they can tell when it’s Scollins - confirmation bias is a hell of a drug, I guess. I’d encourage anyone who finds themselves inclined to think “SCOLLINS!!” after every mildly edgy joke to rewatch Surprise Inspection from the start, and really make an effort to just sit with it every time a joke with this sort of tone was actually written by someone else. It’s a lot more often than people seem to think. Ally, Bryan and Ian (probably others I’ve forgotten?) all have jokes about animals dying or being harmed, and they’re usually more vicious than this one too! You could also make sure you take in all the jokes from Scollins that are completely tame, because that happens plenty of times too. Not quite as often as the other end of town, but I think that’s because it’s a stronger choice to tell some jokes that go too hard instead of the whole segment comprising the ones that barely manage to limp towards a punchline. Clearly Scollins can deliver that kind of material, and it’s fun for Seth to play up the idea that he’s a terrible person. But that doesn’t mean that he must somehow be the only person who writes jokes that are a useable level of dark, or that that’s all he does.

Particularly vicious and hilarious jokes today! Love ya Seth!

Words were done with Marjery Taylor Greene a long time ago - they got tired of the abuse.

This is a top notch monologue.

@MayBeMe...

15 күн бұрын

Flawless!!!🤣🤣🤣

"Trump does have a type" is my new favourite Trump joke 😂

@dietotaku

20 күн бұрын

yeah, his type is porn stars who hate him

@traviscutler9912

20 күн бұрын

Yeah, he said stormy reminds him of his daughter!?!?

@a.larson2777

20 күн бұрын

​​@@traviscutler9912tRump is a creep.

@kylaarmstrong-benjamin8066

19 күн бұрын

​@traviscutler9912 that's his type. 🤮

@TQM

18 күн бұрын

​@@traviscutler9912 Damn, I didn't know he said that. That adds layers to the joke 😂 It's ridiculous that he was ever allowed to be the president of any country.

Between Seth, Kimmel, Colbert, the Daily Show and others, who knew there could be so many “Kristi Noem, Cricket & gravel pit” jokes?

The reason that Melania isn't attending Donald's trial is that she too has refused to sleep with him. (Callback to yesterday's monologue.)

Downward dog pose during yoga class would be worse than the limbo on the nude cruise.

@SugarandSarcasm

19 күн бұрын

The view from the shore at their port of call

You know, back in my day, governors weren’t shooting dogs and goats. Beggin strips, the only thing governors were doing to dogs is putting them on the top of their cars while they went on road trips. Goats were even grazing on the White House lawn. Back in my day, governors weren’t shooting horses either. Borax, back in my day they were dressing up like Gene Autry and riding them.

@sherinameless1618

20 күн бұрын

You are too funny to be writing Seth's stuff for free. Watch out for angry members from Seth's writing room after he tells them that he is replacing them with KZread commenters.

@francescaa8331

20 күн бұрын

That should be written up and sent in. But only if you get credit.

@Drew-bc7zj

20 күн бұрын

LBJ held his dog up by the ears. I wish I was making this up.

@CAP198462

20 күн бұрын

@@Drew-bc7zj true, photos exist in the LBJ presidential library of him doing this. There’s also photos of him showing genuine affection for dogs, hugging and playing with them.

Wonder how old rusty back in your day is feeling about the dog execution scandal..

@sherinameless1618

20 күн бұрын

Back in Rusty's day, claiming that it is the liberal media that is making her look bad would cause the vet to check Noem for rabies.

We live in a golden age of TV monologues. Damn, that was funny.

I laughed my hole out at the "like she needs a hole in her dog..." comment. Whoever wrote that one deserves a bonus - funniest thing I've heard all week... ...I have tears in my eyes andmy head hurts from laughing so hard. Perfect delivery from Seth. 🤣

@berniefromhungary-dh4vk

20 күн бұрын

10 bucks says it was Scollins

i think the story has finally come for scollins to shine.

Cover yourself in all the words you want, Marge... we know you can't read a one of 'em.

Man, the writing room will do anything to avoid a Surprise Inspection. Wait... please tell me we're gonna skip the inspection of all the murdered dog jokes that DIDN'T make the cut.

@peerblickdicht8401

20 күн бұрын

surely you meant to write "NOT gonna skip"

@meganbyrne2138

20 күн бұрын

I can only imagine the jokes Scollins wrote that weren’t airable.

@Gunsgamesmonsters

19 күн бұрын

PLEASE WRITE THAT SKIT !!! It would be awesome to hear the jokes that “didn’t make the cut” hahahaha

“Who said ruff?” 😂

Lindsey and MeeMaw content please

@betsiecleworth5853

20 күн бұрын

Seconded 1000% really want to see that sitcom

@riparianlife97701

20 күн бұрын

Surprise twist: Lindsey IS Meemaw!

@betsiecleworth5853

20 күн бұрын

@@riparianlife97701 that’s the Hitchcock version

@sherinameless1618

19 күн бұрын

I just saw a clip on CNn of Lindsey having a hissy fit while grilling Lloyd Austin. That calls for a Lindsey/MeeMaw moment in my book.

Hilarious Seth, there is so much insanity in play, importantly there is more at stake. It's nice to have laugh. 💙

Seth wincing is usually "Scollins sign," so I am going to guess that he wrote the "Who said ruff?" joke. Seth is lucky they had a blood thirsty crowd. (Okay, it was funny, but I work in animal rescue, and Scollins is on our "not adoptable" list.

@desmondmolloy9173

20 күн бұрын

I feel like it could’ve been Allie, actually. But Scollins is definitely possible.

@PleaseDontEatAnimals

20 күн бұрын

I work in animal rescue too and have to say that the animal killing jokes are getting old fast. (Wish Seth was vegan like his brother.) The average American kills 100 innocent animals per year. 😢 I don't support Kristi Noem in any way. She is cruel. That said, most people support shooting innocent animals in the head--they just do it vicariously and pay slaughterhouse workers to use the captive bolt gun. We humans don't need to eat other animals (in fact, vegans live on average 6♀️ to 10♂️years longer than animal eaters). And innocent animals do NOT deserve to be incarcerated, tortured, branded, castrated, and have their teeth and other body parts cut off (all without anesthesia), then killed at a fraction of their normal lifespans--many dismembered while still fully conscious--just for the pleasure of human taste buds. Everyone can make the choice to get out of an abusive relationship today simply by going vegan.✌🏽❤️🐕🐖🐈🐄🐣🐟🐬🐐🐑🦃🐢 To quote Alice Walker: "The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than Black people were made for Whites or women for men."

Seth promised last week that there would only be a week of dog jokes and then he'd stop.. and yet here we are !

@commonsense571

20 күн бұрын

Yeah!!

@sherinameless1618

20 күн бұрын

I think he meant, "One week of dead dog jokes for each dog Kristi killed. Bonus week for threats to Presidential dogs."

@AccelerateYourSuccess

20 күн бұрын

He decided to roll over.

@leannevandekew1996

20 күн бұрын

Maybe she was planning to serve Cricket for dinner when she met Kim Jung Un.

@MariaVosa

20 күн бұрын

Not gonna happen as long as Scollins is in the Writers' room!

"i hope those arent 'hooray, it's over' laughs" - and here i am, hoping there are more - cant wait for the next Surprise Inspection, when we get to hear all (ALL, SETH, ALL OF THEM!) the ones that didnt make the cut.

Here in the UK if you shoot your dog the follwing will happen: "Offences will be punished with up to six months' imprisonment and/or fines of up to £20,000. You could also be disqualified from keeping animals. Shooting a dog also puts you at risk of committing a firearms offence." - if anything this is too leanient...

@ws8080

19 күн бұрын

Agreed. Actually most places have laws about it, and she should have just surrendered her dog to a shelter, etc. The fact she took it to a gravel pit to do the deed tells you a lot. But she lives in a state sparsely populated and dominated by the agricultural industry (and oil/gas), so they might not be quite so progressive. I live in a sparsely populated western state also, and I know there are rules around everything - can't kill seagulls, can't shoot crows, can't even kill a coyote unless you get a permit first. I guess I know now why my grandparents left her state of S Dakota and moved further west. This is also why I believe there should be ONE set of laws - the federal law system - and not 50 different ones in the same country. I used to vote Republican but vote Dem now for that very reason - I'm against state rights and want one law of the land, and I want it to be as progressive as nations like your own rather than backwards 1800s.

Lying✔ Have someone else write "your" book. ✔ Get plastic surgery ✔ When caught in a lie NEVER admit lying ✔ Go on a nation wide tour and embarrass yourself while playing the victim✔ Talk about people you've never met, but be vauge enough so no one can question you ✖ -Your fired!

Honestly I lost it at the Libertarian running mate 😂

Seth is Soo adorable when he laughs/smirks at jokes 😂

Another brilliant Closer Look! Just brilliant! 🤣

"Do the worm!!" It already has a better tag than any of the major candidates lmao

How many worms in her head??😂😂😂

Someone is in a good mood. :D

The dog jokes are almost as consistent as the Boeing jokes😂

Ouch 😳

"a rough couple of days" is an understatement

My condolences to those two women

Good stuff 😂

SCOLLINS!!!

Keep gnome in the running forVP; if they stick her next to Old Yeller, she could solve this with one gravel pit visit.

All Dogs go to Heaven. 🐶- Kristi Noem *Results may vary.

@patricktilton5377

20 күн бұрын

All dogs go to heaven . . . and Kristi Noem's the one who sends 'em there.

Who said "Ruff" LOL I died

I am voting for the Brain Slug Party myself.

@MichaelSplatkins

20 күн бұрын

I represent the Hypnotoad Confederacy of Mind Controlled Subjects. We'll be in touch.

That limbo joke set the bar pretty high.

Think of the poor folks that have to staff that nude cruise? There won't be a single safe chair on that entire ship.

@phelan_pt

17 күн бұрын

Yeah, I was thinking of the cleaning crew too

The last late night show to do a joke about the naked cruise and the best joke of the week about the naked cruise.

Wow that "hole in her dog" had me 🤣🤣🤣

#CORRECTION: President Biden is not the "safety school". He's goddamn Harvard.

@homebrewedthoughts2033

20 күн бұрын

No biden is the community College of presidents

@MM-ud1xf

20 күн бұрын

Especially when the only other option is Trump University.

When the dog news first hit it felt a bit too sad to joke about, but darn have these gotten good

@vshewett4333

19 күн бұрын

I'm laughing because she probably "killed" her chance to be Trump's running mate.😂

Definitely the Limbo!!!!! LOL!!!

You know how he has suprise inspection, he should have youtube commenters write which joke we liked the most too. Then the the writers get to know how well their doing with the youtube crowd also. Just a thought. It seems like they are getting better. Not so many forced laughter from the crowd. I loved this set.

I feel like Barb and Star would book this cruise

Crispy Gnome's TOAST😅

@00:47 made me do a spit take.

The dog wasn't the goat😂

ALL HAIL HYPNO-TOAD.

For a second, I thought the limbo guy was the “leave ‘em alone” guy.

Good jokes.

Noem gives serious "waco cult" vibes.

. . . like a hole in her PUPPY! 😂

WOW - "who said 'rough'" was inspired!

Good morning seth meyers fans

Thank you, Paul Ryan, for saying that you will not vote for Trump. Bill Barr lost all credibility when he said that Trump shouldn't be anywhere near the White House, and then announced that he will be voting for Trump. You can't have it both ways, Republicans. Either you can see the danger that Trump represents and refuse to vote for him, or you are willing to put your allegiance to your party over allegiance to the country.

Where’s corrections?

SCOLLINS!

Genuis pure Genuis RUFF!

the limbo, not the early morning yoga class?

@DeathBean89

20 күн бұрын

The buffet line for sure

Two jokes. Two dogs. Two Holes. One Scollins.

Remember to join Seth and Gavin Newsom for a special live podcast of Family Trips sponsored by Norwegian Cruise Lines.

The limbo? My first concern was the chairs. Anyway it sounds like a good cruise for the laundry people

R.I.P. Cricket 🐾

The worst part of a nude cruise would probably still be the shrimp buffet.

Trump should worry about Trump. I mean, I don't, but someone probably should.

I'd go on a nude cruise if they supplied a vat filled with SPF 50 sunscreen we could jump in. There are some parts that haven't seen the sun in decades.

I’m surprised Seth is not taking advantage of the double swarm in IL to promote his play Cicada Cicada. Take it on tour??

@sherinameless1618

19 күн бұрын

It is sad that Colbert did a piece on the cicadas last night, and Seth has yet to mention them. I guess there is a gag order in place after disputes about who is responsible for the delays in bringing the musical to Broadway went public.

"As Libertarians say, A running mate!!!"

Scollins trying hard to fill that gap after the dog joke Oof.

It disturbs me that I’m pretty sure I recognize what the source for the limbo Photoshop happens to be (Peter Boyle from “The Dream Team”).

More like 'the limpo'

Just ask Cricket! Oh wait……..

Hi Seth!

it's going to be an Antarctic cruise - so there won't be much to see.

Oh I assumed RFK had worms in his brain, I'm just shocked he confirmed it!

Dat Scollins tho...

Maybe she was planning to serve Cricket for dinner when she met Kim Jung Un.

@PleaseDontEatAnimals

20 күн бұрын

I wonder if people would be okay with it as long as she did eat Cricket. After all, the average American kills 100 innocent animals per year. 😢 I don't support Kristi Noem in any way. She is cruel. That said, most people support shooting innocent animals in the head--they just do it vicariously and pay slaughterhouse workers to use the captive bolt gun. We humans don't need to eat other animals (in fact, vegans live on average 6♀️ to 10♂️years longer than animal eaters). And innocent animals do NOT deserve to be incarcerated, tortured, branded, castrated, and have their teeth and other body parts cut off (all without anesthesia), then killed at a fraction of their normal lifespans--many dismembered while still fully conscious--just for the pleasure of human taste buds. Everyone can make the choice to get out of an abusive relationship today simply by going vegan.✌🏽❤️🐕🐖🐈🐄🐣🐟🐬🐐🐑🦃🐢 To quote Alice Walker: "The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than Black people were made for Whites or women for men."

Read about persiphony

Who else desperately wants video of that MTG-Johnson meeting? I would actually accept that as punishment for Johnson's involvement in Jan 6.

I miss Seth's Lindsey Graham impression.

Kristi Moan is good at cooking HOTCRICKETDOG for breakfast.

Correction: No Popozao reference in ages.

Trump: Kristi Noem reminds me of Melania, who reminds me of my daughter! She just simply needs a little time with “daddy” and the magic mushroom!

1:04 Seth’s looking right at Baze, right?

Hahahahaha!

I didn't get the "a hole in her dog" joke... anyone, please?

I figure the worst part of a nude cruise would be the sunburn.

Hahahaha!

Watch the pencil at 1:20. It looks like it's under remote control. weird!

Norm is the perfect running mate for Donald!