ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html Parenting resources: --- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/ --- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/ --- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/ --- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/ --- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/ --- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/ --- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html

@dianeroeder3350

7 ай бұрын

Mr. Hutton, Is it possible for my ASD husband to stop gaslighting me every time I express how I feel? The only response I ever get from him is "you're wrong, you're crazy, or you're exaggerating"

This video brought me to tears; I was the ASD partner. I never knew until recently. And I will go to my grave carrying the crushing weight of the suffering I inadvertently caused for my partner of 10 years. Now, two years after the breakup, she still suffers from chronic conditions developed during our time together. I can't help but think it was related. She was a very kind woman who had an awful lot of bad luck in life, and she deserved only the best. I thought I was giving her the best, but I was only giving her MY best, which was amazing in most categories but fell completely short in emotional support at 0%. I only developed the ability to emotionally support her at the very end of our relationship via coaching and therapy, and by then, it was years too late. Thank you so much for this video Mark. Your content is phenomenal. To anyone reading this, Mark is an example of someone who knows what they're talking about. If you need more advice, talk to an expert like him. If I had heard these words a few years ago... Maybe my ex partner wouldn't still be suffering. Take good care of yourselves, all. I'm still working on forgiving myself. A long road ahead. But im hopeful.

@ellemitch5791

4 ай бұрын

Just, wow. Dang it! Reading your comment brought me to instant tears. If only my husband of 23 years would even be open to exploring the possibility....I can't try any harder on my own to make this work. I'm beyond devastated that I feel I have no other option than to walk away and save myself at this point. It's not what I ever wanted and I've held on for so long, hoping against hope even when there was no reason to believe. Sadly, I love him and I know he loves me (as much as he can), but only "love" is not enough. I'm so thankful for your insight and willingness to share your story. I wish you success in your journey and every happiness life has to offer.

@amandaraymond2667

2 ай бұрын

I liked your comment but I love more the empathy you show towards your partner. Please don’t blame yourself. You are not at all to blame. You did not cause this. I am sure you did the best that you could.

@johncampanella622

Ай бұрын

The depth and real talk here is frightening. I instantly subscribed. Pray for each other. And put what was learned into practice. Or share it with others. At least we can spare others if we coukdnt save ourselves.

Thanks for this video Mark. Also when the NT tries to get help, NT therapists dont understand the ND relationship at all. I'm shocked how few counsellors know anything about autism. They should watch your videos too!!

@silvergirl7810

10 ай бұрын

My husband and I went to a ton of therapy (I was a teacher and had insurance) - I knew something was wrong- early on and found no one with experience dealing with this. I can’t imagine how different - in a better way- our lives and the lives of our children would be had we been told this was what we were dealing with. I’m angry now about it as we are suffering severe consequences- I’m extremely sick, my husband didn’t have the help WHEN he needed it (and we tried!) and he is a jack of all trades but master of none- he just has no direction and is now in his 50’s struggling in a horrible economy- trying to do school and still not knowing what he’s really doing. Our finances are a mess, we’ve had some disasters (2 floods in our house- everything is breaking, none of our cars are working - it’s something everyday) and we can’t bounce back like when we were young so it’s just piling on and on. And now I realize I was the one that was keeping everything in order daily and I can’t now and he’s not making the money for me to pay for help. I just can’t imagine how different our lives would be if when I was asking for real help someone would have recognized what was really going on and been able to direct us- just getting him to pick a career. It would have really saved us! How do so many therapists not know of this!

@kikijewell2967

10 ай бұрын

@@silvergirl7810 your story hit home real hard. Everything going on in the world on top of all the personal stuff is making things so hard. I found a good friend to spend time with and we help each other get things done, both of us divorced now.

This spoke to my heart. I am currently going through this Cassandra syndrome as we speak. I have been with my husband for 14 years and have always thought of him as narcissistic. My mother in-law always told me he was diagnosed with ASD as a young boy. I almost lived in denial until years of marriage and children brought out the worst of his symptoms. Years of shut downs, years of anger, years of lack of support (mental and emotional). My husband is a very handsome man, but has very low self esteem. The problem is that woman who find him attractive boost is low ego and has caused him to “talk” with other women while we are married. It’s has crushed my soul numerous of times. He has an addiction to alcohol and adult films (XXX). I was curious if any other wife with a ASD spouse has dealt with alcoholism or other addictions. This has been years of hell. The last few years this has taken a toll on my mental and now physical health. On the outside we look like a beautiful family but on the inside he is completely numb to the whole house and all of our emotional needs. We have 4 children (2 also ASD). Soo many times I’ve wanted to leave, but I still love him. When things are going good it’s great. When things are going bad, it’s a living hell! Sorry for the long message, I just stumbled across these videos and they brought out soo many emotions, I’ve never related sooo much to anything before! -Amanda

@gillianpears1711

6 ай бұрын

Oh my goodness, I understand. I have had just this for 31 years of marriage, he is not formally diagnosed but been on anti depressants for nearly 20 years. Uses alcohol as an addiction and it has wrecked the household and marriage, I’ve had to stop him drink driving the children. Aggressive outbursts, holidays are dreadful with him clearing off to do his own thing and ignoring everyone. There aren’t any good bits left now and im not sure there were that many to start with. The children have brought me such joy and my friends too. Without them I would have nothing. Im sorry to say but with this disorder I think it gets worse with age. I wish you all the best, I want to leave every day.

@melissamarie4629

6 ай бұрын

Yelp. Alcohol and porn addiction…. In public it’s like an acting scene that we have down to the tee. That’s the only time I get affection is when we’re around other people in public for his ego. I’ve been in my relationship over 13 years. You’re going yo have yo find your own happiness by any means necessary. Even though the void of not being loved and cared for by him will never be replaced, you need something or someone to fill that part of compassion and companionship. It’s human nature to want that.

@sds6303

3 ай бұрын

Might be time to ask yourself why you feel you aren’t worth more. He won’t change. He might be ASD but he could have narcissistic traits on top of that. But regardless, his diagnosis is not an excuse to be abusive, to flirt with other women, to foster addictions. Time to ask yourself if you want to stay in this marriage or not…

@sds6303

3 ай бұрын

@@melissamarie4629 Time for you to get a divorce. Ask yourself why you feel you aren’t worth more. Having a diagnosis of anything doesn’t give someone an excuse to be a bully. Why don’t you feel you deserve better? If you aren’t already, get into therapy in order to build your self worth & really understand that you deserve better. It’s time for you to leave him.

@amandaraymond2667

2 ай бұрын

I too am Amanda, hi there. I googled this on Wednesday morning. I was asking my husband of 7 years to get checked for bipolar. All our well intentioned friends suspect this and after researching it I never felt comfortable admitting this was a good fit for him. I woke up with a flash bulb moment on this Wednesday morning. He is just like my son Dillon. Dillon was finally diagnosed at 15 with Asperger’s despite my constant efforts to approach psychiatrists for assistance. I knew I had to help himm be as independent as possible. I received no help from my family with any of this. Rather they criticized me intensely for even attempting to help my son. Here I am now. Dillon is 30 and married. He has his own struggles but he is living his own life and I feel good about that. Long story short, I now wake up this Wednesday morning wondering how in the name of everything holy have I gotten here? How did I not realize before now that my precious husband is behaviorally a mirror image of my son Dillon. I’m here now and please accept my personal gratitude for these videos. My husband is almost 65 and he is lovely. I don’t care if he never accepts that he is an Aspie but………I know. This Cassandra syndrome I am experiencing right now can go on and jump because I am not going to let it beat me. I love my husband and have the determination to see this through. But now I am armed with a better set of tools and to know that I was not played in the initial stages of my courtship with my husband makes me feel great again. I did succumb to immense sadness and my health has been greatly under attack. Now I am giving myself permission and priority to take care of myself. Thank you Mark for these insights and your experience. As I recap, I realize I have only had this knowledge one day. It is a powerful day though. Thank you

There is also a reciprocity issue where the ASD spouse wants / demands the emotional support from the ND spouse but does not want to give the same support.

@WafflesInTheRain

6 ай бұрын

On the flip side of that, as the ASD spouse, I've basically become the caretaker for my NT partner's emotional needs (constant, daily reassurance. Weekly catastrophes that require all of my attention and focus.) but any attempt to mention my own emotional needs leads to my partner blowing up on me, gas-lighting me, and invalidating my emotions. So I keep my emotional needs to myself but now "why won't you talk to me about what's bothering you?"

@gillianpears1711

6 ай бұрын

Totally, they want your support but watch out if you are unwell, suffer a miscarriage, pressure at work, sick parents etc, they expect you to carry on as if nothing is happening.

@Valetic6

2 ай бұрын

I think what is happening here is that they are so tired they will take every little bit of relief they can get even though they expect nothing to really be different. Sometimes in relationships, we know what we can get away with, and we may do so foolishly sometimes. It becomes easier and easier to take for granted that there can be no expectation for anything to truly feel different, while also taking whatever they can get. So you only end up giving her half of what she wants and is never fully satisfied because it’s always “on to the next thing” instead of changing her mind about you. This is most likely due to the alexithymia. You probably feel like you are doing fine and dandy but she probably feels differently and you can’t see that, even though you do try to give emotions. Some people are also just raging bitches. Have to be able to discern the two 😂

Thank you Mark. This video is excellent. It explains exactly the pattern our marriage has taken. We have been married 20 years and are both in second marriages. When we were first married everything was great, but then he soon reverted to focus on his work and pretty much left me out of his life. I’d get angry at him for ignoring me and then blame myself for getting mad at him. Marriage counselors do not help. You’re videos have helped me so much...I no longer think I’m going crazy. At this point there is nothing left to hang on to.

@JJJettplane

10 ай бұрын

In my experience the only way to save the marriage (mine 25 years to a mute ASD) is to fill my life with my own interests and things that make me happy. They are incapable of making us happy so we need to get that elsewhere. The positive things the ASD spouse brings to the marriage may be few, but can be enough to stay together. In mine those things are, stability, security, growing old together, etc....

It’s not just ‘not getting our emotional needs met’ - because when someone who doesn’t understand this from the outside hears this they are thinking we are just not getting our way with which movie to go to or we want ‘more’ attention than our spouse can give us as we seem more demanding than the average person etc etc which is not what’s going on and I’ve come to realize that unless you are experiencing this hell you will not understand it in any form- I wouldn’t have. I think this is true abuse and that I’m so beaten down (it’s taken him years to do this) that it would take probably the rest of my life to recover (I would need professional help) to try and undo this damage. Which is very unfortunate because I came into this relationship with a very clear idea of what love is and I knew how to love- he was the one who didn’t. He was the one that considered it work (unbeknownst to me- and maybe the idea of it being ‘work’ came about later for him I don’t know). I’m going to try and explain it- it feels like solitary confinement- although I’ve been around people I feel as though I haven’t seen anyone for years and I’m so incredibly alone- to the point that I’ve lost myself, maybe gone a little crazy in my loneliness. I went through all these stage over the years- I was aching for love, I begged, I made myself lose so much weight and even had surgeries to look perfect for him- every night I would take a bath, put sexy nighties on, makeup sit there waiting- and nothing- night after night after night this went on. I would cry myself to sleep- I tried cutsie texts- no reply, going on dates- he didn’t want to, I even tried making him jealous- didn’t care. I had complications from the surgeries - which brought on the anger phase- so I was working, sick, no hugs, kisses, no one talking to me- nothing. After a few years of this I even thought about having an affair but I was too honest for this. I felt like my life was being wasted and I stayed because I had had a child with him when we first got married and I took on his child. He really maneuvered himself well as to look great from the outside and do nothing on the inside. When we were out in front of other people we knew he would call me ‘sweetie’ and he dressed well- we looked like ken and Barbie- so people just assumed a lot of perfection when it was quite the opposite. My insides were hollow, shattered, they hurt for so long and there was a longing that I couldn’t I’ve forgotten how to love, respond to nice treatment, ask for it, think I’m worth anything, or want to try for anything anymore- it’s completely ruined me. And the biggest thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve given up the fight- he really has ‘won’ - he I’ve been shut off from someone ‘caring’ for me for so long that I’ve now forgot how to care for myself. I was married before and it was a healthy wonderful relationship- so I knew what it was supposed to be like- and when we were first together I gave him that level of love but he didn’t return that to me- I was also overworked at my job then came home and continued to work around the house etc and he allowed that- and I allowed him to allow that- I thought he would care enough to say stop, sit down, rest. No, he never put himself in my position- and he still doesn’t so he’ll leave with my son and the two of them will come back with food for them and not get me anything (things like that). They don’t think of me. In the end, I worked myself to illness (I have a slew of autoimmune diseases) and I have a husband who gaslights me, he’s smart but immature so he will manipulate situations to get his way- and he now has things exactly how he wants them- he’s sleeping in the master bedroom and I’m in the guest room. We never correspond via phone or text- and he hasn’t had a main job in 7 years- just side jobs here and there. I retired and we are living off my retirement. I’ll just say - if you’re still with me- that it’s beyond devastating - I kept thinking it would get better and every time I was serious about pulling the plug he shaped up just enough- how I didn’t see it I don’t know- I feel like such a fool. At this point, I think it’s too late for me and I’m thinking in terms of damage control for my son- i don’t want him to be this way for a girl.

@e11erym

7 ай бұрын

Thank you for taking your time to tell us your story and how you feel ❤🙏🏻 I’m in a step from making this mistake in my life, I feel confused. (We’re just dating). But the more I read the comments at Mark’s channel, the more it is obvious what decision to take🏃🏼‍♀️

@silvergirl7810

7 ай бұрын

@@e11erym thank you- it was so hard for me to write all that- and there’s so so much more that I’m not getting across- ironically all I wanted from the time I was a little girl was a romantic and close relationship with a special someone. My dad was a phenomenal, wonderful, spiritual and overly loving man to me and my mom- he was highly successful- he lived to give us the world so this is so foreign to me and I don’t know how I found myself here. He passed away a couple of years ago and things have gotten much much worse as it seems it’s given my husband the ‘ok’ to act however he wants without a ‘overseer’ and I in turn don’t have a soul to comfort me. I was also successful myself like my dad until the end of my life here where my candle has been blown out. What made me ‘me’ doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t think I’d recognize myself if I looked inside- people used to flock to me and say thinks like ‘she’s the most talented person I’ve ever met’ or i was also known as ‘the empath’ that people used to go to with their cherished or most painful secrets that they needed comfort with. I honestly think my husband doesn’t realize most of the time what he has done or is doing. He did not have some giant plan that he was trying to ‘pull off’ - I think that was another difficult thing I’ve had to accept or learn regarding aspbergers- and whatever it is that I hate so badly in my husband I’ve now passed onto in my son. The pain from that is so immense I couldn’t even begin to tell you- and worse yet- I know my son is beginning to understand it rather I don’t say a word about it or not (and I don’t)! So, I guess what I’m saying to you or anyone who reads this and gets this far is that please- if you are someone in my situation and haven’t taken taken those first steps- DON’T WALK, RUN! You will find another life, you will get over you’re sadness and you will not spend the rest of your life doing what I am- because there is no fixing this and there is no way out of this. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you- don’t let my mistake, be yours.

@debbiemulder173

4 ай бұрын

OMG that was my life!!! 43 years!!!

@selinawalker3522

2 ай бұрын

It's never too late to leave silvergirl, I left after 28 years x

Paramount: “People know Steve and Ann but they don’t know what happens behind closed doors, he/she seems like a nice person, I just don’t see what he/she is complaining about” EXACTLY. YES. Crescendo. No one will EVER know what’s going on for real unless rarely, one person is an evil person. Like Peterson said NO ONE WINS ARGUMENTS IN RELATIONSHIPS sorry for all capitals but not sorry for loving truth. SUBSCRIBED.

@heartofjesusdj

22 күн бұрын

Exactly. They don’t know the hell that is your life.

This is why I will never lie or mask. If you present someone you aren't, people will expect someone you're not, and it will lead to unintended problems. I may never get married for such a reason, but I'd prefer my real self by myself than a fake self with someone who doesn't know me.

I'm an NT husband of an emotionally unavailable/avoidant/allergic? wife. It's HARD. She's loyal, very committed to her roles as a wife and a mother. But only in a task based way. I don't sense any interest in her to connect with me internally. I'm torn apart between my desire to be a good husband and father by being faithful in marriage for life and the likely possibility that I may not ever be able to have a friendship connection with my wife.

The sequence of events that leads up to Cassandra syndrome goes something like this: 1. The relationship gets off to a decent start with a reasonable amount of emotional reciprocity. 2. The ASD spouse unknowingly drifts away from the relationship. 3. The NT wife feels emotionally deprived. 4. Emotional deprivation leads to some mental/physical health problems. 5. Other family members and friends that know both parties don’t understand what’s going on behind closed doors, and may view the NT wife as being melodramatic and a chronic complainer. 6. The NT wife feels very isolated (until she finds a community of other Cassandra syndrome sufferers). 7. The ASD spouse may feel like a failure at some level - and may even beat-up on himself.

@funkymonkey8777

9 ай бұрын

Thank you 🙏🏻❤️

Thank you for this. I'm the ND spouse, and I want to validate my wife's needs. I'm struggling so hard to think of her and not only myself. I just learned of my own neurodiversity a month ago.

How do you fix it when it’s been two decades and NT wife has completely disconnected emotionally because she doesn’t trust ASD husband anymore and NOW he wants to fix it all? She’s now used to being in the marriage by herself and wants it to work, but can’t find a way to let him into her heart again. 😢

@melodeeandersen5042

7 ай бұрын

That is about the same with me. He seems to want to make it work now, but I have disconnected emotionally over the last few years and I can’t get any of the feelings I had for him back. I want the divorce and he doesn’t. I stay because of financial reasons and I feel sorry for him. We haven’t slept together for almost a year now, and I refuse to ever sleep with him again.

@johncampanella622

Ай бұрын

Brace yourself Paige. For my earnest, if possibly incorrect opinion but worthy of consideration. You might have to take a step back towards the light, for each step forward that was taken into the dark. Maybe you don’t have to take one step forward for one step back you’ve taken (either of you not blaming anyone), maybe one step back into the light counts for ten steps taken into the dark because going back means you kind of know the way. I can’t give you the torch you need for a meaningful mountain of life and love to traverse the darkness. But I can give you the gloves you need to keep the lantern from slipping out your hands. It sounds like you really really want things to be right. The rest is gonna have to be more time spent reflecting, critically thinking and praying and meditating, testing and attempting. Someone’s gonna have to have courage after dealing off their heart and be as brave as the one that wants to fix things. I hope meaning comes out of this. Hopefully together. Good luck, truly.

@dillchives

Ай бұрын

As an Aspie, I disconnected from my NT ex wife way before she ever acknowledged picking up on any of the numerous cues (spoken and unspoken) I had given her throughout the years that we didn't seem compatible. I'm pretty sure she thought she was surprising me when she wanted to divorce, and that I would want her to stay and try to win her back, but I was THRILLED. I had been trying to get her to see that, but NT people are generally very poor communicators and she either couldn't pick up on it or wouldn't acknowledge it. He may be waiting for the same thing, but is kind of confused about what to do now. For me it was such a relief, no more mind reading, no more unspoken and unknown "expectations", no more pulling teeth trying to get her to actually be able to communicate anything that she wanted. I get to stop walking on eggshells because everything I do is wrong somehow. It's nice.

After more than 30 years of emotional deprivation, I don't think it would hurt him to beat up on himself a little. Problem is, no matter how much I explain, he never 'gets it', so he won't beat up on himself because he 'doesn't see things that way', so he's never done anything to to need to beat himself up about.

@melodeeandersen5042

10 ай бұрын

Yea!!!! I agree that after many years (20 years in my case) that I don’t think it would hurt for him to beat up on himself a little. He has put me through a living hell. He has no idea how hard it’s been and doesn’t care what I’v been through. He has no empathy and always blames me for being too critical.

I am going through this right now. I've been with my Autistic man since 2019. Got married in 2022 and next month will be our one year of marriage. Its absolutely heartbreaking that my first wedding anniversary is next month and I'm thinking that its the end or im now unsure on who i married. Every video and every comment I read is so accurate and 100% spot on. We both want children but now im completely scared my life will just be a big downward journey. Things were wonderful the first year we were together, then he was angry and violent and i just thought he was an asshole and different so i accepted this was apart of life and tried to focus on the good, then my downfall spiraled and my mental and physical health took a toll and ive been in inpatient therapy and outpatient now...ive began to hate him for what he has done to me, now he sees JUST A LITTLE how much hes hurt me and is now seeing himself as a failure. Its completely unhealthy that i want him to feel this way. I love him throughout all of this and i want him in my life and to continue to help him in life (but if i go, he said hes gone forever and beginning the process of forgetting me) thats understandable but whats blowing my mind is i seriously see all these women married for 22 years etc . How. How. How. This will be year 5/6 and im stressed tf out and im not sure if i can do this. I want children and i want them with this man too 😢 but i am scared our entire family will just be messed up and i dont know if im prepared to take care of everything and more even though im used to it. I wish someone like Mark or these wives in my position would message me and talk more. Im so stuck and lost.

@Kwildcat13

7 ай бұрын

Kids make you stay that’s why most people make it last . It’s never easy .. but my kids are more stable if I stay married . Get some help because if you can’t find a reason to stay . You already have a foot out the door

@melodeeandersen5042

7 ай бұрын

Leave before it gets a lot worse and even more complicated with kids. Your own peace of mind is worth everything. I didn’t discover my husbands aspergers till this year and we’ve been married 20 years. It would have been so much better to discover his ASD from the beginning. Ours was a yours and mine marriage. Kids from both sides think I’m the problem. They don’t understand the heartache and the stress of being in this kind of relationship. They think I’m being over dramatic. But they cannot see how lonely and how hurt it can be being married to an ASD spouse. And not many other people see it either. Only those who have had relationships with ASD will ever understand.

@melodeeandersen5042

7 ай бұрын

PS. If you want to be lonely and hurting the rest of your life then stay with him. But I believe its worth the initial pain to leave and find someone who is capable of having a healthy two way relationship. Do it before kids come into the marriage then it’s so much easier. You owe it to your children too.

@fullstop.

7 ай бұрын

Take your thoughts and feelings seriously - how it is now is how it will stay x100.

@launderedcotton8070

7 ай бұрын

Do NOT have children with him. I'd you think it's hard now.... please save yourself, and let your children have a NT father. I speak from 27 years of marriage and 3 now young adult children who are all very messed up emotionally. I even lost my lucrative career I'd trained years for. RUN!

Thank you.Mark, I have to comment again.Another beautifully executed video to help us stay Sane. In our relationship with our A s d husban It is so hard. 40. Years in. He's a dear man and tries very hard. But empathy and emotions are zero. I listen to you all the time as you know. And i'm thankful you're there because I really feel that if I didn't have this to listen to I would feel like I was alone in the world. I cannot thank you enough.God bless you please keep doing this.

He is affecting my son health and mine and controls me with money and I am not even myself.

My husband has ASD, we’ve been married for 22 years. It’s been hard. One thing I don’t understand is during the day my husband is very touchy, things have ti be just so especially in the morning when he gets up, anything different can set him off BUT at night around 11-11:30 it’s like he becomes the best version of himself, he’s happy, in a great mood, jokes around, laughs and seems really light hearted, I love it problem is I go to bed at 12/12:30 so I feel like I never get to see that side of him for very long, I feel like I’m being cheated out of being around him when he’s his best self😢

@gillianpears1711

6 ай бұрын

Depression, it’s worse in the morning and better at night

I’m suffering big time. I’m at my, therapist office (she said it’s narcissism). I keep telling her it’s ASD. I’m at chiropractors, massages, doctors, church. I’m always sick, I’m sad all the time. Extremely isolated. He has made me look bad to neighbors, friends, he got drunk and in a fit of rage told his ASD daughter to call the cops on me and say I hit her. I was put in jail for the first time in my life at 45 years old. I had to go through hell trying to clear my name. My husband apologized endlessly after the damage was already done. He paid for my attorney. Our marriage is only 4 years old. I can’t do this.

@YouTubeUzername

Ай бұрын

Update?

Your channel is wonderful! It's like you have seen straight into my 31 yr marriage! I'm told he was hyper-focus on cars & women before we met, then bodybuilding when we 1st met; its what we had in common. We had so much fun. I was his surrogate champion. After 18+ years, he transitioned to hyper focus on politics; unfortunately during the Covid & the Dividing of America era. I am emotionally neglected & he definately throws adult temper tantrums for the smallest & difficult to understand reasons. I've actually asked him if he would act that way in front of his friends. Of course not. I would have never understood if I hadn't seen your videos. Plz tell me more! Help me understand why he's this way! How did this happen to him? How to stop wanting something that's never going to be & to focus on the beauty of who is really is & to see the comfort of his consistent loyality, even if it's for his own comfort, not for me. He is truly a good person and that guy who everyone outside our house loves. Thank You!

We're long divorced now, and I'm also autistic, but more sociable than he was, but you just described my former marriage! Neither of us knew we were autistic at the time.

It's not just emotional deprivation it's emotional battery plus gaslighting plus bait and switch acts leaving nt with all the unpleasant work and constant commitments broken without warning at the worst times, so it's on practical as well as emotional levels. And yes, an adult having a rage tantrum in your home is emotionally injurious.

Hello Mark I talked to you on occasion because it feels so good to connect with somebody who understands what I'm going through and I love your channel and I I get everything you're trying to say to me I've been dealing with my husband for many years he's a lovely sweet hard-working man

Thanks Mark. New to your channel and a daughter of undiagnosed ASD father and NT mom. Very helpful explanation. Will do a deeper dive.

@markhutten

10 ай бұрын

Welcome!

I’ve watched several of your videos and I must thank you for helping me realize all of the behaviors or lack there of I noted in my boyfriend were all related to ASD. It also helped me understand I am not alone and many NT women share the same feelings I have experienced and I wasn’t my imagination. Thank you so much for the education and suggestions you provide to help us try and improve and maintain a healthy relationship.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your content has helped me. Thank you.

@markhutten

6 ай бұрын

You are so welcome!

I believe this exact same thing happened to me with a partner with Avoidant personality disorder ( undiagnosed but highly likely)

I really think this also affects the biology of an NT mother raising and autistic child. The child doesn’t exhibit behaviors or accept behaviors that stimulate bonding hormones such as oxytocin etc no? I’d love if you can speak on that sometime.

@silvergirl7810

10 ай бұрын

This is REALLY important- I’m going to be honest here and probably say some things that are not what a parent should say- but this is what I’ve been struggling with- because I can ‘hate’ my husband when I’m mad at him or think that I don’t want anything to do with him etc however it’s a huge problem when my son- whom I love dearly- is exactly like my husband- as he was hereditary given Aspergers exactly like my husband and the older he gets the more they are exactly the same- it has broken my heart for many reasons. One of the first - and yes I know this to be wrong- is comparing- my sisters son. They have this close relationship, he’s doing all these great things and loves to learn from her- she invests in him and he accepts it and loves it and her. He’s gone on to get scholarships, be a missionary in her church, do volunteer work, he cares about how he looks, earner to greet people, happy to just spend time with the group, etc. flip side, my son won’t clean under or clip his nails. It’s like pulling teeth to get a hug from him, I have very few pics of him in his teen years-he won’t do it, he cares less about anything learning wise, he doesn’t want to watch movies, I try and get into his world but it’s very limited - I mean, he’s got Aspergers. Plus he gets migraines and doesn’t like to go anywhere. Anyways, I was really so excited spend time with this little guy, just making our lives full and happy- it’s been so difficult and now that he’s older- my husband and son spend most of their time in their own rooms and I’m sick and alone- its devastating. And, I don’t want my son to have a sad and misguided life or make a girl miserable. I’d like to get him help before he’s in he’s 50 like my husband and in a worse place.

@juliemichaud9439

10 ай бұрын

it hurts alot doesn't it!! after giving all our energy to raise them 🥺 I wish you better days ahead ❣️ and lots of self care

@er6730

10 ай бұрын

It's difficult. 😢 I have three children, and the first two are like night and day with their personalities, but at the same time, I "get" them. I can easily communicate, we have a relaxing time together. Mind you, my oldest has ADHD and my second has some sensory processing issues, but it's not a problem. If they're hurt, sad, confused, silly, I am right there and know what to do to bond with them. With my youngest, it's like there's a wall. I often do the wrong thing for her, because what she needs is SOOO different from what my instinct is to give her. (Like, when she's having a meltdown, I want to hold her close and make sure she knows she's loved and appreciated. It took me until she was three years old to finally leave her alone when she cries. It just felt so wrong. But it helped! At first I was concerned that she was just becoming traumatized and learning to stuff her feelings because I wasn't a safe person anymore... But no. She needs her space when she's upset, and then once she's calmed down I invite her to reconnect by reading her a story or participating in a chore I'm doing, and that's exactly what she thrives on.) I can do it the way she needs, once I know how, but it hurts. (And it's hard to figure out!) So often I run into a communication roadblock with her, and it's a lot of work to figure it out. It's exhausting, in a way that far exceeds the exhaustion that comes with my ADHD kid who requires constant vigilance and watching to keep him on the straight and narrow, or with my anxious child who is crying because doesn't like the way grass feels. They're tiring, but not like that confusing dizzy kind of tiring. When they communicate, and I respond, it makes sense to us. It feels comforting. My youngest, I love her, she's my baby, and she's so brave and funny and smart. But I never know what she's thinking, and I can't predict her. It feels prickly, like loving a cactus, except I'm also a cactus for her. We prick each other by accident. She's only 8 and we do get along very well, as I can see her good intentions and she can see mine. However, there's bruising. And that makes me sad.😢 I'm not certain that she's autistic. Maybe she's got ADHD, like me, except her "emotional regulation" centre is skewed far beyond what I can relate to. However, I see her struggle to see things from other perspectives, and that makes me think autism. Of course, I have a much easier time turning myself into a pretzel to do things the way she needs, because she's a child and I'm her mother. That's our relationship. It's not possible for me to do that without resentment to my husband, who's in a very different relationship to me. It's not right that both of us are focused on his comfort, and this damages the relationship, and the damage increases if I see his actions as hurting the children. I'm not sure what we'll do. There's love, but there's an awful lot of hate/pain as well.

@juliemichaud9439

10 ай бұрын

@@er6730 please always remember who exceptional it is that you take grand efforts to understand and care for all of your children!! Many of us were yelled at or sent to our rooms or told that we were crazy! Keep taking one day at a time and know that even though we are loving mothers we don't have all the answers...And take time to just be you...sip on tea or read a book....whatever feels great to U 💕

@dg2517

10 ай бұрын

@@silvergirl7810 You arent alone for sure! Thank you for sharing.

Amazing stuff.

@markhutten

7 ай бұрын

Thanks!

Sure, you “give them a line to say” all the while not acknowledging that they know it’s a line and they still don’t really understand and can’t, so later they just revert back to the attacking comments and negativity and attack more with “I don’t know how to help you”, like we are the problem.

I appreciate this video Sir, OUTSTANDING and ACCURATE information.

When I was younger my marriage ended due to something similar. Long before that I knew it was ASD I’m dealing with and finally the confusion of how it all happened makes sense and I obviously didn’t see what was happening. But now I can understand from 3rd person perspective and I wish I could communicate and articulate these thoughts because then with a better functional understanding the misconceptions can be assuaged

Thank you!

@markhutten

9 ай бұрын

Welcome!

Thanks!

So true!

Thank you.....

@markhutten

7 ай бұрын

You're welcome!

This sounds similar to being in a relationship ship with a narcissist - would you say the abuse is as bad?

@ADORABEL25

5 ай бұрын

It is WORSE because narcissist discards you just like that. But aspies won’t do that. They will claim they love you. So the confusing is bigger. I was with a narcissist and aspie. The last one I still love inmensly. So the hurt is really bad.

This is me but in a parenting situation. Disconnect, disbelief, abused and isolated 😮‍💨🥺

All true. Thanks!

@markhutten

10 ай бұрын

You're welcome!

How do I get help for Cassandra syndrome without making my husband upset or depressed?

@markhutten

5 ай бұрын

I have a group for that...

@daniellebrattin2510

5 ай бұрын

Can you send me some information about that please:)

I wonder how this plays out in the opposite direction? By that I mean an ASD wife with an NT husband. I'm not married or anything, but I would like to be at some point. And I would end up being the ASD wife. It's a fear of mine that I will one day inflict this sort of pain onto a partner. So thank you for the video it gave me something to think about

@markhutten

5 ай бұрын

plays out similarly...

I wouldn't message her when I was away for a week, eventually felt numb towards her, like I still cared about her but not that deeply. I don't know what I could've done besides force myself to pretend to still have feelings, do acts of service etc. I feel like I should never be in a relationship again, and it's been 5 years since she broke up with me.

@YouTubeUzername

Ай бұрын

Her breaking up with you is a good thing for the both of you, you just admitted to not having feelings for her.

@heartofjesusdj

22 күн бұрын

You shouldn’t have married her. What were you thinking? Peoples lives aren’t games.

EXACTLY

You are exactly right!! People listen up!!

I have the opposite experience as the neurodivergent in relationships. Cassandra sounds to me exactly what is feels like to be autistic. Constantly trying to explain to others how you experience reality and expressing how you feel, only to have all the neurotypical people around brush you off and make you feel even more isolated. Even my own parents sympathizing with my partner and his normal needs of love and affection and acting like my needs aren't as important. It's not like I don't try, sometimes my best just falls short of the expectation. From my experience it's not that strange to tell people you need affection, that's a normal human need that people tend to sympathize and relate with. Saying you need time alone to reset and that you can't be touched when overwhelmed, etc. is what people have negative reactions to and act like you're being dramatic or demanding. Cassandra syndrome seems like neurotypical people getting a small taste of what it's like to not have your needs met, a lot of autistic people go through their entire life not having their needs met.

@dillchives

Ай бұрын

Exactly, it's like it's the first time they've had to actually think about and consider their partner as an individual, instead of just coasting through another relationship on autopilot doing (and fully expecting ) the superficial things they've learned is what a "normal" relationship is. Once they find out they have to actually put in effort, they hate it and feel a need to find a way to blame the partner for wanting them to behave like an equal, which leads to videos like these that tells them the problem is autism (which they definitely also don't understand, but it lets them stay close minded since they already feel absolved for any relationship issues).

Hi! I just saw your video. So my husband has ASD and I have ADHD so we are not ASD/NT couple...which group should I join? We´ve been together for almost 13 years, and for the most part it has been a really good relationship of course with ups and downs but now we have a baby on the way and I´m trying to understand my husband more so I can also help him regulate his emotions more as I am afraid that having a crying baby will have him on edge all the time and it will be meltdown after meltdown.

@markhutten

10 ай бұрын

Many couples in this scenario do the couple's group.

❤️

You need to discuss how NT Cassandra Syndrome differs, or not, from “NT” co-pendency. Where does co-dependency emerge from what has been “masked” as Cassandra Syndrome?

Have you ever heard of ND having high level cognitive empathy with zero emotional empathy. Mistaken as true empathy by clients/business colleagues

@moyletl

3 ай бұрын

I could see that. Also, it's easy to mimic a cognitive empathetic "script" as Mark and others state. Going through the motions to ease communication and professional success but there's no actual resonance.

In other words bait and switch…

@markhutten

10 ай бұрын

Your words, not mine

It’s what I married but I was meeting all the needs, in every way🥵💔😭🙏I am in the healing process. Provides nothing, yes very good outside, life sucker in the house. I was fortunate people believe me.sad? Sociopathy evil narcissist? Evil is pure evil lies mask

Me the name Kassandra: Oh😅

❤