We complain about not being around people who light us up, but we avoid them for fear of rejection.. my mind is blown

Dang.... This really READ me like a book. I subconsciously "date down", because I fear not being good enough for those deemed "high value".

For some years I organized my birthday parties inviting ppl I feel comfortable with. Nothing wrong with that, right? And then one guy at my party said to me - hey, I dunno, but you seem to be so much cooler and more colorful than all the ppl here. I felt weird, maybe a bit offended, but then I started thinking who I was never inviting. So: ppl who were witty, achievers, active, loud, independent.... Generally those who I didn't have to compete with. Who do I approach at other parties? Those who seem lost, confused, I usually take care of them. It all goes to fear of being rejected, not enough or not needed and some incapability of standing on my own feet. Thank you for refering to the issue.

@barbaragunter4957

4 ай бұрын

Ohhhhhhhhhh. Oof. Thank you for sharing this ❤

When you know who you are as a person and you value yourself above all materials or status then you will lead with that

This really resonates with me. Semantics. The order in which you unpack yourself to someone. You should mainly be focused on them, and not about how awesome you think you are. They key is to show how pleasant you actually are to be around rather than trying to enamour to attract. When you focus on others, and let them talk about themselves (because this makes people feel quite good), they'll like you more. Just the way that it is man :) Then, as time goes by, you can let any success you've attained sneak up on them and that's the money shot.

This alpha, beta, etc. thing is such BS. Humans are so much more faceted than that.

This certainly applies to men and women, and not just in dating life but in every space of life

I completely agree! I have a 6 figure salary and every single time I go on a date, I show up in a shitty car and only try to get to know the person and the person to know who I am rather than what I have and as a result, I don't think I have ever been with a gold digger or someone that had the wrong intentions with me. Leading with your personality is way better (and reduces the likelihood of meeting people without integrity), especially when looking for a relationship.

@zainabrose96

6 ай бұрын

Good one

I had to watch this 3 times in a row because it hit me so hard and it hit me different every time. I needed this more then you know thank you Matthew ❤

I love you Matt. You are so insightful and empathetic. I need to let you know, that for me personally, I don't like referring to men as betas. Actually, there are animal behaviorists who say in wolf packs there is no such thing as an alpha male. To call men an alpha male is actually a word, that for me, is a euphemism for the word asshole.

@Sarina460

11 ай бұрын

I totally agree with you! And I also found it weird that the girl calls herself alpha as well. We all have our own priorities in what we look for in other people, so if one person considers themselves alpha because of their career or their looks, others might not really care about that at all.

@paulcoy9060

11 ай бұрын

I'll tell my Most Alpha Story. I have been feeding the local cats for years, and about ten years ago, a pregnant raccoon showed up to eat the catfood I put out. She let me pet her, and I was surprised her fur was so silky smooth. I didn't see her again until 6 months later, with 5 of her kittens. They were also cute and adorable, so I fed them too. They grew up, and had kittens of their own. And that batch had kittens, and one night a mother showed up with 5 of her kittens, looked around, looked at me, and left. She just took off without her babies. She came back a couple of hours later, got her babies, and left again. A Wild, Natural Raccoon trusted me with her entire generation of children, simply based on who I am. That's a high point in my book. Some guy who calls himself an Alpha because he pushed someone else out of the way and got the last pizza, is just an asshole.

@SurrealismByKia

11 ай бұрын

This is a cut version of a longer video where a specific woman from an email was saying she was getting "betas" in her love relationships. This was her verbiage he was repeating back. I hear you though and I understand.

@enloveyduvey001

11 ай бұрын

Big agree

@pochispoch

11 ай бұрын

One can be proud of the things one has achieved, but from there to championing and naming oneself "alpha" borders on arrogance and that is not attractive at all...

I’ve worked on improving self daily since childhood. Unfortunately, have allowed my heart to be taken hostage by a series of members of the unevolved who are not interested in improving themselves. Thanks Matthew for pointing me towards those other rooms.

A truly thought provoking and insightful episode. Really enjoying your newer content Matthew. It is so far beyond dating and love life advise extending into the core of most issues these days…know and love yourself, and always act with kindness. I am a former people pleaser, and kindness has been my super power and kryptonite. After life literally blew up in my face, I can say in all honesty, I love who I am…warts and all! (Kidding about the warts). I’m still an amazingly kind person but have no problem telling anyone to F**off. That’s the amazing beauty of being comfortable in your own skin. I don’t need everyone to like me. Hell…I don’t like everyone so why the double standard! Anyways, thanks for the episode! PS: hate to be so blunt but let’s keep it honest. I’m not digging your interruptions in the middle of your own videos…it’s actually, quite irritating. Has anyone else expressed a similar sentiment? Since you were talking about semantics in the episode, perhaps moving your marketing clips to the end will elicit a more desirable response. This is me taking a risk!!!

@mysunshine492

11 ай бұрын

i unfortunately agree about the marketing part, shoving that in the middle only makes me not pay attention and want it to get back to what's interesting

@praneetakpoudel

11 ай бұрын

I really appreciate how kindly the P.S. was stated! However, Matthew puts this content out here for free for us to enjoy. The interruptions are so he can best reach his audience. We should not feel entitled to this content at all, just be grateful. 😊

@SimoneJY

11 ай бұрын

Always grateful for ALL the content. Just my personal thoughts on the flow of information. My post was getting too long to really explain further but here goes nothing… I think Matthew’s videos carry immense wisdom and depth which is why I personally feel that the interruptions become a distraction to the topic at hand. And when he says “imagine how important this must be for me to interrupt my own video”, there is a nuanced undertone that one content is more important than the other. I think they are all valuable so I want to devote my complete attention to one without breaking my train of thought. Hit me up with anything else after the episode so I can really soak it in! And, in case the most important part of my message got lost in translation…THANK YOU MATTHEW!

@PreparedHome

8 ай бұрын

Cool cucumber ❤

@Ravengal101

8 ай бұрын

@@praneetakpoudel You’re telling Simone how to feel and responded to her comment in a way that seemed dismissive to me. She just shared her opinion; you disagree with it. We can politely hold space for both perspectives.

Loved it❤..you are right it s not about intelligence or achievements, it s more about being a human more than anything else and let people see the humanity in you. Thank you so much

@ligayamarilag8069

10 ай бұрын

You are right for that it's not about entilegence or achievements thank you Matthew love that topic😍💞

I really love your videos but I dislike the distinction between "alpha" and "beta" for people. I have only come across these terms with pick-up artists and that absolutley doesn't go along with the message you represent as a coach (I've attended your last VR). Every single person is valuable and if they're not your person that's fine but that doesn't make them beta. Also, in the pick-up artist world you're usually alpha for superficial things like looks and career while character doesn't really count.

I have been tuning into you from time to time for years and I feel this is the best podcast you have ever done. Thank you for these ideas. More people should know all this.

Wow thanks for a really good video that went into depth!! Love how you talk about these issues in a kind way!!

Even if that person has options you might have something he likes or she likes ..is all about how well you know yourself and how much you value who you are then you can go for anyone who has whatever they have because that’s not going to affect you in any way cause you know your value and you won’t get intimidated by anyone or anything

@thecurrentmoment

4 ай бұрын

Thanks for saying this - to me it's all about what people are looking for and as you say, you may have something that a particular person is looming for even though most people aren't and you might feel a little bit unpopular. It's also important to get to know someone you're interested in, as an individual and not an object. What does this person want and need most? How can you support them and give them what they really need? People all have different stories, if you truly get to know someone beyond their 'specifications' that you can tell your friends about, you can have a much better and more impactful and synergistic relationship with them. Well, that's my opinion anyway

Hello Matthew, I always find your relationship advice videos useful. 😊 Keep on empowering other women out there. 👍

Such an intelligent and deep video that touched me on many levels.

huge eye opener. i am this person you talk about in this video and i didnt even realize it. I never approach guys i believe to be out of my league even if they smile at me. Because i know they could reject me and it would hurt my self esteem more that I worked hard to build. Yet not trusting myself to approach them might also mean i didnt work on my self esteem well enough

Excellent advice. I always appreciate the wisdom you have about situations like this.

Beta can be very genuine person with values too. Universe is not based on logic as well as heart is not based on logic but the energy, love is energy.

Brilliant. Thank you Matthew.

Such a precious episode!❤

Makes total sense Matthew

This was so good‼️🔥❤️

Thank you! Wow, that's a great point of leading with the right things.

Great content, love it.

“achievement isn’t a shared value’, wow!

This is the advice is super important. I had early career success coming out of college and I often used that as my first impression. Had some friends I made through my career that told me they thought I was a douche before they met me. Just gotta switch up the semantics. Let that sneak out later. 👍

i appreciate this message so much! you think that you should lead with something surface value (money, job, status) to impress the person of interest whether it be friends/partners. Let your skills will speak for themselves later on, focus on the personable ones (values, interests, humor) for connecting first.

Mind blown 🤯 I believe in looking within but sometimes it’s difficult. You gave it meaning with advice 👏🏼thanks!! 😊 like damn, it’s seriously a fear of vulnerability and insecurity of not being good enough. Need to remember we are high value for who we are and lead with that ❤

Thank you so much for an absolutely brilliant eye opener!

Very helpful information

Loved this one so much.

Valid points for all relationships. Kindness and having a genuinely good heart speaks volumes! More so that any other status symbol, like job, how high a degree you have or any other achievements you may have or beautiful house, or Brand new car! Which is all fine, I too hope to have my beautiful dream 🏠 some day. But there are not reasons to be friends with or dating someone!

I love this ❤ taken on board 👌🏼

Time to go to the (right) rooms! :) Thank you Matt.

“leading with their interest in me…” Yes! I’m attracted to people who are initially “interested” as opposed to “interesting”.

I've meet you today. And I LOVE your content. This is a very interesting and valuable vídeo. Thank you!

Thank you so much! You give me joy courage and wisdom ❤❤❤❤❤

This is such an important message

New to your channel. My mind is blown!

9:52 same here! It happened to me with a rich guy. Big turn off. I felt like we didn't belong to the same world.

Thank you!

Im gonna be feminine, kind and fun to be around. Not gonna lead with how cool i think i am.

I talk to about everyone on an everyday basis. This leads to more interaction, dates and friendships. Get out there and play!

You are extraordinary ! 😀 I wish a Matthew coach existed physically, in Romania too. 🤗

💯 I was attracted to my bf at the beginning for different reasons, down the line (after couple of dates & he already asked me to be his gf) I just had gotten to know how accomplished he is in creative & other pursuits!

@transportboy4926

11 ай бұрын

Yeah what's wrong with that..........what's the big deal........if he likes you he likes you😊😊😊😊

Thank you 🙏🏾

This is deep!

I’ve appreciated the video and the concept of semantics, however Matthew, this whole trend of calling people ‘beta males’ is going to age so badly. In 5 years or less we’ll look back and can’t believe we referred to a group of people in such a way

Thank you 🙏

Ha ha 😅 extremely funny that the doctors playing those attraction video! Made me split my sides with laughter !!!

thank you for the insight I appreciate that very much to have the opportunity to know this wise opinion 😢

So good

“If we feel we are so smart, and we are really enamored with how smart we are, we are probably in rooms with people that are not that smart, because there’s definitely rooms you can go into, where you just realize: “oh my God, Im a neanderthal” MH

Doing my own thing and aspiring to be a great father one day, like my father is. Man Im such a beta chum. If qualities that I take pride in; qualities like being a good caretaker, fixing things around the house, emotional support, providing safe and peaceful space to my loved ones make me a second grade low status man, someone not to be excited about but just to contend with, then I would rather be alone. Better than being unappreciated.

well said.

This is a really enlightening video! Different from your other videos in terms of valuable info. Although you seem a bit angry here as well. I wonder why you have this energy. Probably I have it too

Thank you bless you

You don’t have to feel like you have to be impressive if you value who you are regardless if you are not

Feeling like a little fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a little pond. Yep, it's all relative.

U r amazing person, thanks that u r☺️

Preciousss

u got the smarts lol thankyou 🙏💚

Matthew, I have been watching you for years, and I think I am finally ready to love again. Will you help me find a high value man? I am a widow, my husband died at the VA in North Carolina in 2014. I have truly let him go.

Wow this is so interesting... we often make these silly mistakes without realizing how it comes across. Thank you for this, this is amazing🎉

You are "MATHEW"❤

Augh! But true

I'll tell you a little secret ladies... That dashing high value man over there does not care about your degree, finances or accomplishments...

@kolorbeauty9757

11 ай бұрын

i agree with you

@bg5215

11 ай бұрын

Yep.... and for bazzguit (above) if you keep getting rejected over and over its simply because your batting out of your league. (and I'm not talking about your degree... finances, or accomplishments.... its your looks and/or kindness.

@RedSky8

11 ай бұрын

Exactly bro, we just want a woman whose chill, that doesn't add any stress and actually does the opposite. Women have told women to chase status and careers and said guys care about them. But the most consistent thing I've seen from pre-modern to modern is that guys don't care as much about a woman's career and status. Woman however, do tend to care more about a man's career and status. Biologically it makes sense, but societally, and socially in today's world, it doesn't hold up as well.

@jbates725

11 ай бұрын

That's because he's threatened by them. He knows a woman with a degree and a career can't be controlled, can be financially independent, and can leave any time.

@jesserodgers3759

11 ай бұрын

​@jbates725 not really, we just don't care about that stuff. We care if she's nurturing and caring biologically we are looking for a good mother. Yes there are guys that are looking for women like that. Just because there are men that don't doesn't mean they are intimidated they just aren't looking for that kind of women. Realistically that view is a way to mask your rejection. If you're a high value woman and a man rejects you, he's just not interested no need to find a reason to save face.

The medical professional in LA story... So true elsewhere, too.

Oh my goodness...... I can't get over the video in the lobby 😂😂😂 these are the people who believe they're better than everyone else and look down on people. ❤

I love everything about this, and I think you give really excellent advice! Very much a fan❤ I just want to point out, since it hasn’t been so long since you uploaded this, that I think the word you were looking for was syntax - not semantics.

@bluemoon8268

8 ай бұрын

“What is the difference between semantics and syntax? The syntax of a programming language describes which strings of of characters comprise a valid program. The semantics of a programming language describes what syntactically valid programs mean, what they do. In the larger world of linguistics, syntax is about the form of language, semantics about meaning.”

@arielthelionmermaid

8 ай бұрын

@@bluemoon8268 In linguistics, semantics refers to the meaning of a word based on various factors (intonation, pauses, context, etc.). Syntax refers to word order, precisely, and on a broader scale how grammar (sentence structure) affects the way a sentence is understood.

@bluemoon8268

8 ай бұрын

@@arielthelionmermaid … that’s what I wrote … final sentence

@arielthelionmermaid

8 ай бұрын

@@bluemoon8268 It was written vaguely, so I missed it. Glad we’re on the same page.

I can relate to what he's saying and I'm torn. Deep down, I'm aware that being with the man I've been in a relationship with for 7.5 years (we live together) might not be the best choice. We have different interests, and I'm certain that we occasionally get on each other's nerves. Despite this, I find myself convincing myself that not all men are like the ones I've dealt with in the past. As I just turned 58, I fear that my options will dwindle as I age, and maybe settling with my current partner is the prudent thing to do. I believe he is a good and loyal person who will always have my best interests at heart, as I will for him. Although I don't feel entirely happy, the desire for excitement over stability is something I feel I need to let go of, especially at my age. The consolation is that I won't grow old alone; we'll grow old together. I know it may sound disheartening, but it's mainly because our options diminish as we age. I still feel younger than him, even though he's four years younger than me, and I long for youthful energy while he seems content with growing older. It can be frustrating, but perhaps as I enter menopause, I'll start to catch up to him as he slows down. I don't have the answers, so for now, I find myself in a state of uncertainty.

@ddr4ig

11 ай бұрын

How would you feel if he wrote all of the above?

@TheNynax

11 ай бұрын

If you desire excitement, buy a motorcycle. I think it's a mistake to look towards a relationship to provide the excitement you feel your life is missing. It's 100% possible to provide excitement for yourself through how you live your life and the hobbies you engage with. The excitement of a relationship will always eventually fade until you're looking for the next new relationship to provide excitement. Personally, I value a relationship as a stable home base from which to venture out for other adventures that don't depend on relationships.

@claudiap.6838

11 ай бұрын

Even if you were to leave him and find excitement in someone else's arms, don't you think it will be a matter of time until the excitement fades away and you feel this craving for excitment all over again? Please, just take a minute to think about it. Excitement comes from novelty! This 100% fades with time if you lwere to live with someone. You know that. Besides that, don't you think you are just scared of getting old and therefore craves excitement to "forget" about your age, so this says nothing about your partner and all about YOU being the one that needs to go to therapy to work on your own insecurities? Last thing, you are a 58 years old woman! What excitement are you looking for? I'm sorry, but I start to freak out to think that at your age I would be THAT imature and unrealistic. I say this with love. At your age, you just need to treat your insecurities and start not only behaving but thinking as a mature, beautiful woman.

@user-sf3cu6nu9h

11 ай бұрын

Umm it’s already too late. No sane man will want you. You are wayyy too old past your prime!!! Don’t be an idiot

@Sunnysunshineshine

11 ай бұрын

@@claudiap.6838 what does age have to do with wishing to have exiting? Nothing! It has to do with your personality no matter in which age you are.

Dont focus on the options of otgers......focus on becoming the best option for someone

Does this apply for guys too? Serious. This advise seems good, and as a guy I need advice!

I don't want to be a pain in the ass, because I completely agree with what you said in this video. However, what about the scenarios where you approach these kinds of people and get rejected over and over again? Even tho you're trying your best to be curious about them and kind?

@garydrago

11 ай бұрын

Unfortunately and this may sound harsh but kindness is not enough for high value ppl (that doesn't mean you should stop being kind). Birds of a feather flock together so you have to make yourself have the qualities you're admiring in them. That doesn't mean you have to be quite at their level, but you need to at least have that quality in good supply.

@Bazzguit

11 ай бұрын

​@@garydrago I find it hard to consider 'high value' someone who doesn't have empathy at all

@garydrago

11 ай бұрын

@@Bazzguit I never said that. I'm saying you need to be curious and kind AND hardworking AND intelligent AND interesting AND ... (Fill in other attributes you find important here). Being kind and curious is the bare minimum

@timm.8729

11 ай бұрын

Hey! I agree. Being kind and curious is important, but it's not enough, for nobody. You cannot build a relationship solely on kindness and curiosity. You need a million things for that, attachment skills, interest, shared goals, mutual attraction, endurance, maturity, romantic feelings, communicative capacities, conflict resolution skills, compatibility, patience, self regulation, respect, the mature cultivation of love, sexual compatibility, shared dreams, financial stability... If you feel like you're always into the wrong persons I think the most important thing is to find out - maybe with help of a therapist - what's happening subconsciously.

@Bazzguit

11 ай бұрын

@@timm.8729 but it needs time to show and discover in someone any of these qualities. What about not being able to establish a relationship (of any kind) in the first place?

Why is it that when we are hurt and refuses to submit we think the guy is the wrong guy. But when we let go and submit we think he is the right guy

@davidm8394

8 ай бұрын

because the quality of relationships is often proportional to the value WE give others not the other way round

i have been its led me to misconduct. which is sad knowing wat i cud do

I’m curious how many people on here super triggered by the term ‘beta’ have an alternative. Would you prefer effeminate? Or wimpy? Just curious what PC adjective allows us to know what type of guy he’s talking about? The lady asking has identified a common trait and theme that’s not working for her. Live and let live! The vocabulary policing is exhausting.

Where are those people? Where are those rooms? 5:25 Also, I didn't understand the word beta in this context. It seems to come up out of the blue.

What if I’ve told this person we would be good together multiple times and they still won’t see how great I am… I’m not going to keep telling this person I like them just to be let down multiple times! I’ve moved on lol

@zainabrose96

6 ай бұрын

agreed

I don't want to hurt anyone, but it sounds to me as if the lady wants to take the next step in her "career". The description of herself sounds more like a letter of application. Men smell that and want to be something more than the next level of social advancement for someone.

So how do you lead with your femininity and kindness and fun in a dating profile?

@janebufford37

11 ай бұрын

With great pictures about you maybe? Showing you by activities as a feminine, kind and funny person?

@canchero724

11 ай бұрын

The majority of quality people aren't on dating apps. They're out in the real world.

@Echozies

11 ай бұрын

@@canchero724here you go its answered by this person, I dont use apps - you will only find low value man on such apps. Real valued man don’t have time for that because their purpose doesn’t lie in getting a woman. They don’t care about portraying how they look on dating apps or even bother with social media. You want a real value man - go out and be in areas where they are - gym, fitness classes, sports, beach, cafeteria, travelling - tourist area attractions etc

❤❤❤

You are a very good KZreadr, can I get a comment heart?❤

Hi Links aren't working? Thx

@bianca-mhteam6237

11 ай бұрын

Hey Sonia ❤ please email our support team at support@howtogettheguy.com and they’ll be able to help you out! -Bianca, MH Team

okay and what do I do if I feel like the neanderthal all the time ? 😅

but than you have to be worry about narcissists

They lead with wisdom but insecurity where they have to show off what they have

I imagine Beta male as someone who doesn't care who won the football game but whether everybody in community enjoyed the day and good food. Probably someone who is easy to hang out with. :) But some alpha like athlete champions can be very genuine too, some of them care about the staff who care about the safety of the sport and other friends and colleagues. It's not just about being a champion, but their attention can be limited to other activities.

@janechapman7801

10 ай бұрын

Do we need to grade people with Greek letters shallow. Each individual has their own quality ls seams like alph just described obvious. Neanderthals were intelligent homosapiens sapiens is arrogant we named ourselves twice fffs!

I’m curious about what you think about divine feminine/ masculine or yin and Yang in dating/ relationships.

@meli7315

11 ай бұрын

Had the same thought

@srinavin

6 ай бұрын

Not everyone has the mental bandwidth/ realisation of it, it will be catastrophic if one person has that ability, other person don't, coz they don't have the right lens to see things as they are

Nope. Pretty sure you're a gentle narci. "Beta" you're a riot 😂

That's the pretentiousness of Lost Angeles

So ... what's the secret?

speek up

Just a hint: "Alpha" and "beta" are pickup artist terminology and inherently sexist. "High value" versus "low value" also tends to be extremely classist (arrogant) and neoliberal slash reminds of the New Age movement that is into hierarchies between human beings. If you want to appeal to a wider audience and avoid sexism or classism, you might want to leave out this terminology.

@janebufford37

11 ай бұрын

What is your suggestion? Which terminology do you prefer or how would you describe the alpha /beta issue?

@CP-gk4ri

11 ай бұрын

Maybe use qualities such as "confidence" and "pro-activeness"

I can’t get in those rooms.

MH...pls help me understand the difference between finding someone with whom I feel safe which is important to me....and beta safe men. How can I tell the difference?