Virgin John: “Simon’s scary, I don’t wanna meet him…” Chad Martin: “Sit the fuck down, sky grandpa.”

"I'm pretty sure he was homeschooled" I burst out laughing "Because it wasn't a very good idea" "I'll be dead, which will be fine." "I think our experience of the Universe has meaning, even if it disappears forever." Thank you Martin for the inspiration Simon Fairchild is really out here just living his best life I love him.

@broblerone413

Жыл бұрын

as someone who was homeschooled i find the idea of peter being a homeschool kid incredibly funny

Some of the avatars: trying to manipulate each other, kidnappings, death treats Simon, Peter and elias: probably founded a "horrible old men just having fun"club at some point to meet one time a month

@hamburgerdog25

Жыл бұрын

I bet they go golfing at the edge of the universe a few times a year

@cae2212

Жыл бұрын

@@hamburgerdog25 and I bet that Simon tried to push the others over the edge the one or other time

@hamburgerdog25

Жыл бұрын

@@cae2212 Lukas: erm, Mr. Buschard, do I believe we're falling through a metaphysical chasm? Elias: ugh. Yes, Peter. Damn it, Simon and his "jokes." [Meanwhile, on the space green, Simon is laughing joyfully/maniacally] Simon: oh, it never manages to shake them. No fun, those two.

@hamburgerdog25

Жыл бұрын

Lol I put Jurgen Leitner instead of Peter Lukas by mistake

@u3rn0tf0nd6

9 ай бұрын

​@@hamburgerdog25I kinda wanna draw that now... if it's okay I'll give credit (I'll update when I'm done too)

I love how the entities reflect everyone's personalities: Elias is a know it all snob with no sense of privacy, Peter can't talk to anybody, Maxwell Raynar was blinded by his own hubris and Simon Fairchild doesn't give a shit about anything except having a good time because nothing matters in the grand scheme of things.

@l.raphaelnery7299

Жыл бұрын

Simon has a certain point

Who else misses the original four? Sasha: I came out to have a great time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked. Tim: I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having a great time. Martin: I came out. Jon: Congrats.

@_leaf-3525

6 ай бұрын

I'm imagining S1 Jon saying 'congrats' to Martin in the most annoyed, disdainful voice imaginable

@bluewolf619125

4 ай бұрын

Highkey was the only time i liked all the cast.

@SkyP9812

Ай бұрын

@@bluewolf619125 Not me, I liked everyone except Jon... Oh, how the turn tables

"the only reason this one feels special is because it's happening to you" god im sure the extinction's having a field day with 2020

@luminanightfall4111

3 жыл бұрын

Maybe it's the birth year of the Extinction oO

@Ghostrecall_M

Жыл бұрын

​@@luminanightfall4111 no doesn't quite seem that we're there yet. We pushed through the Corruption and the Lonely so far.

@thiagoalencar3937

10 ай бұрын

I am sure 2020 was a fun year if you are an avatar of fear

@estefaniasorando4409

8 ай бұрын

​@@thiagoalencar3937no bc imagine being am avatar of the vast stuck quarantining that must be awful

@Alsarnia

7 ай бұрын

Statistically though more people started doing outdoor activities (camping, hiking, rafting, etc) during the pandemic because you weren't around people. Easy pickings for the vast

“How do you feel about…roller coasters?” I get the feeling that Simon misses Mike.

@table2.0

8 ай бұрын

He wants to adopt a new kid I miss Mike tbh

I guess it makes sense that an avatar of The Vast comes across as such a big personality.

Simon: I'm over 72, *jumps* and I feel great!

@Q-werty30

10 ай бұрын

… well I mean technically..

"Pandemics" *sweats nervously*

@someoneawesome8717

3 жыл бұрын

Oh this actually aged interestingly

@midnights2631

Жыл бұрын

:(

simon fairchild: i’m here for a good time AND a long time

@TheNitpickChick

3 жыл бұрын

Sky grandpa is here to party! 😁

@triciajanedomalanta1860

3 жыл бұрын

@@TheNitpickChick he's notorious for raising the roof at parties!!!!!!!! someone come and get peepaw!!!!!!

@HeyItsNovalee

3 жыл бұрын

@@triciajanedomalanta1860 this comment doesn’t have enough likes 💀💀💀

@macabrecitrus2127

2 жыл бұрын

He's 500 years old ._.

"I have a good time. And do my best to avoid the drama." "EUUGH. Sounds horrible." "I don't know." "But without a certain knowledge of 1930s tax practices..." "Statement ends, I suppose!" "Well this HAS been fun!" "bOlD. i lIkE iT." "Either billions sUfFeR and life goes oN...or billons suffer and life DOESN'T go on!" *You know, I actually like Simon... he's so...charmingly, cheerfully... apocalyptic.*

@l.raphaelnery7299

Жыл бұрын

I mean that is a good mind set to avoid drama and needless stress

God I love simon, he's literally just vibing, what an icon

@L.clayton.

3 жыл бұрын

"I have a good time. And do my best to avoid the drama." Tma Ep 151 Yep. He b VIBIN.

@JinxSnowOctober

3 жыл бұрын

Your local vibin' murderous grandpa. I want to see the three of them (with Elias and Peter) just chill honestly

@mimkyodar

3 жыл бұрын

@@JinxSnowOctober Simon has no chill. Too busy jumping off of things and out of things.

@kylestephens746

2 жыл бұрын

Simon is an immortal done right

@Mark-fc7tu

Жыл бұрын

Dilly, dally.

The idea that all the rituals and everything are for naught because the entities don't actually care is such a good concept. Also Simon is the best avatar, hope he's living his best life

@AlteredNova04

4 жыл бұрын

I don't think Simon is a full avatar, is he? The avatars are the ones who transform into monsters that hunger and feed on people, aren't they? Simon seems like he's still mostly human

@bridgetb.7965

4 жыл бұрын

@@AlteredNova04 how outwardly monstrous an avatar becomes depends a lot on the fear they serve, i think. as cheery as simon is in his conversation here, he DOES still feed on the fear he inflicts on his victims as he murders them just as cheerily. i think between that, and the fact that simon is 500+ years old places him firmly under the full avatar catagory.

@notlurking2128

3 жыл бұрын

I saw this idea in a comment a while back, and it's stuck in my mind until now. I keep thinking back to the thing that Lightener said, about how an ant wouldn't be able to conceptualize a boot from a hand, wouldn't think they were the same being. I always thought, what would happen if someone's ritual succeeded? Would the boot just come through, or the whole person?

@ineedmoresalmon2475

3 жыл бұрын

@@notlurking2128 if you actually commented this before listening episode 160 I salute you

@notlurking2128

3 жыл бұрын

@@ineedmoresalmon2475Spoilers, I guess? I did! I commented this on my first listen through of every ep without any ideas of spoilers lol. In the comments of ep 160 I was like YES I AM VALIDATED AND MY THEORY WAS CORRECT. It was great but also not great cause I wanted to hear about good cows :(

Martin: What is Peter doing? Simon: His best.

Nihilistic yet bubbly 500 years old ex-painter ocean-enthusiast murderer identity-thief tax-frauder sky grandpa is *a* *lot* for just one character. Damn

@Vi_Vi_1

Жыл бұрын

500 years is a long time, gotta keep it interesting!

@macabrecitrus2127

Жыл бұрын

@@Vi_Vi_1 Yeah I guess lol

@l.raphaelnery7299

Жыл бұрын

At least he's living stress free unlike most

@macabrecitrus2127

Жыл бұрын

@@l.raphaelnery7299 True

@Vampirecrypt

Жыл бұрын

He's living his best life

You think all the avatars have like- a group server, and Jon and Helen just aren’t considered cool enough to join yet?

@jessbailie3539

3 жыл бұрын

They don't like Jon because he's such a self destructive, sarcastic little prick, who's dead set on avoiding any and all apocolypses, so they don't want him to join the chat and share all their deepest secrets while telling them off for causing destruction. Helen is friends with Jon so they don't want her to add him.

@cherrisoda892

2 жыл бұрын

They probably don’t add anyone from the eye ngl

@chaozglow

2 жыл бұрын

@@cherrisoda892 Elias is from the Eye and had VARIOUS contacts to others

@eternalmiasma5586

2 жыл бұрын

Sending memes n shit

@michaelrobinson996

2 жыл бұрын

Jons that one kid like hey man we don't have to do this. And Helen is the wild child.

Okay, Power scaling is hard, but Simon seems to be at the same level as Peter or Reyner or Elias or Annabelle. Which means that Peter called in a favour with one of the 14 most powerful people in the world just to avoid an awkward conversation. He is the King of introverts

@teleutenachtigaller2762

2 жыл бұрын

I can relate

@l.raphaelnery7299

Жыл бұрын

That is accurate.... especially that part when Simon said he lost a bet

Martin: "I think we humans put a lot of meaning into the world" Simon: *holds laughter in* "That's nice, kid"

I love the episode description. Simon Fairchild has "a vastly under-appreciated artistic talent." I see what you did there lol

At least this old guy has fun

Simon Fairchild is my favorite Avatar.

@tomisabum

4 жыл бұрын

THE Roller Coaster Tycoon?!?

@coraa232

3 жыл бұрын

This is Nikola erasure

@DonutToast

3 жыл бұрын

idk, I think Aang still goes head strong for me

@minty7945

3 жыл бұрын

Y'all forgot Mike Crew

@teleutenachtigaller2762

2 жыл бұрын

Mine too

The massive exposition dump episode. Not sure if I can add anything to the discussion for this episode, it carries itself. Simon is the Sugar Grandpa we all want. Nuff sed.

@tomisabum

4 жыл бұрын

I was joking about Evil Venn Diagrams being a thing, but I'm surprised how on the nose it kinda was.

@Badficwriter

2 ай бұрын

Exposition ? Simon basically said he didn't know anything.

Simon Fairchild has that sweet grandpa feel like you could have some tea with him

@ineedmoresalmon2475

3 жыл бұрын

and then he'd turn you into a speck of dust so you'd drown in the now vast ocean (for you) that is the tea

@broblerone413

Жыл бұрын

he's the type of grandpa the grandkids all love but every time he babysits the kids nearly die because he just lets them do whatever they want and gives them dangerous things to play with

Basira: Jon found the tapes you made for him- Martin (frantically): Shhh, shhhhhh OH, CMMMMMOOON YOU EVIL CINNAMON ROLL, SAY THE "S" WORD, YOU CAN DO IT!!!

@riotb4719

3 жыл бұрын

what 's' word are you referring to?? am i slow?

@skyclaude8847

3 жыл бұрын

@@riotb4719 I think shut up?

@Creator_indy

2 жыл бұрын

No it’s [REDACTED]

@randomdoodlesandye5922

2 жыл бұрын

mild spoilers for s5 fast foreward to mag 163 where the ep starts off with Martin yelling " SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT"

"COULD YOU AT LEAST. TRY." Martin is such a mood. Also, trying to get a recipe out of your grandparents is exactly like this.

Holy shit?? I liked Simon already but his voice is amazing!! Time passed so fast while I heard him talk. He certainly got the charisma on check too.

@lightninghedgehog5963

2 жыл бұрын

Fun fact! His voice actor is also a professional fire-eater

"We're not. Sit back down." DAAAAAAAAAAAMN MARTIN Also: "I think you're feeding him what he needs to hear so he won't bother you." Basira's got him pegged alright. Martin is way more capable than anyone gave him credit for, and he's got everyone dancing to his tune right now. I'm glad someone cut through the BS for a second even if it didn't change much.

I swear to god if this all ends in gay love piercing through the veil of darkness to save the day I am going to hug that rouge Supernatural fan to death.

@jessbailie3539

3 жыл бұрын

AKSLSL PLEASE THIS MADE ME SCREAM 😭😭😭

@covertsquirrel404

Жыл бұрын

Well this definitely ended in gay love piercing SOMETHING ;-;

@biancamlf288

Жыл бұрын

Do we maybe get an update?

@midnights2631

Жыл бұрын

Gay love definitely does something :')

Holy shit Simon is hilarious, he's the best, I automatically trust him more than like 98% of people. Also, Martin's character development is really good, because it's sad as he's become so bitter and angsty compared to season 1+2 when he was sweet and shy, but it's also awesome cause every time he stands up for himself I'm like "you're doing amazing sweetie". God, I love him being assertive.

@foralark6047

Жыл бұрын

me: *trusts simon* Simon: I might drop you off somethng for a joke. how do you feel about roller coasters me: ...

Came for the cosmic horror, stayed for the JonMar romantic subplot. I've never been a shipper but goddam if this isn't my otp

@AJ-pq5zx

2 жыл бұрын

Hahaha, you're going to eat well in season five

@Dee-jp7ek

2 жыл бұрын

@@AJ-pq5zx I already binged it. The only thing bad about this podcast is that none of my friends are into it so I can't talk about it more

Simon sounds like he could narrate nature documentaries lol, also 15:35 is making me question my sexuality and i dont know how to feel.

"how do you feel about rollercoaster?" "Erm, neutral" "You're no fun"

Why does Simon have such as charismatic voice pls help

Jon kind of has all the answers to your questions Martin 👀 Also, does anyone else love Simon Fairchild??

@TheNitpickChick

3 жыл бұрын

Simon is my favorite avatar apart from The Distortion (Helen and Michael are both great ☺️). He’s just so fun! 😁

@GarethOfByzantium

7 ай бұрын

A fan club seems to have started spontaneously.

Ah. Evil Good Time Bastard Grandad is so much fun!

The Vast avatars are all just so likeable

Simon Fairchild is easily one of my favorite characters in the series. He's clearly a pragmatic, clever individual who quite literally always sees and understands the big picture. But at the same time he seems to have run out of fucks to give a few centuries ago, and recognizes the insignificance of his and everyone else's time and impact on the universe. But rather than succumbing to some grand existential crisis over the matter, he's made his peace with it and simply lives in the moment. It probably helps that I've always felt that if I were to be "aligned" with any of the powers it would be The Vast. It's simultaneously terrifying and fascinating all at once.

@l.raphaelnery7299

Жыл бұрын

That is a wonderful description

Literally 20 minutes ago I hated Simon but I just. Did a 180. I stan now

How come nobody in this show knows how to be a little sympathetic man like damn Martin’s cutting himself off and might be getting himself in trouble but basira comes barging in angry and accusing instead of being understanding? Everyone does this, especially to Jon. But we all know about that already

@spawnofheck504

Жыл бұрын

Look, man. The whole Archives thing isn't exactly conductive to healthy relationships. If I was trapped in an office job from hell where eldritch horrors would try to kill me any time I left the building, and my co-worker was also an eldritch horror, and so was my boss, and so was my other co-worker, and so was my girlfriend (but she stopped), and the place's old boss (who's in jail for bashing a guy's head in with a pipe) was still fucking antagonizing me, and then I spotted my co-worker who's been working with our new boss (the one that has terrifying eldritch powers) and withdrawing from the group talking to ANOTHER eldritch horror who we BOTH KNOW has subjected several people to the Terrors of Open Space for funsies, I wouldn't be very rational in confronting him either.

@Badficwriter

2 ай бұрын

@@spawnofheck504 Just wanted to point out you are probably also becoming an eldritch monster.

That “roller coasters!” And then “aw you’re no fun” just hit me as the best thing ever and I don’t know why...

He may be a monster, but Simon Fairchild seems like he'd be a fun kinda guy. Assuming he didn't try to... eat you, or whatever.

God I haven't even listened yet and I want funky sky grandpa to show his love for me as his favorite grandchild by yeeting me off a building

@broblerone413

Жыл бұрын

this just gives off the vibes of every awesome grandpa ever, just yeeting the child

@Badficwriter

2 ай бұрын

@@broblerone413 How else do they learn to fly?

I will NOT be h*rny for the sky grandpa. I refuse out-of-hand.

@caseypizzagod9235

3 жыл бұрын

Assfffgghh this sent me

OOOOH GODS, the moment he said "Imagine you're deaf" my internet connection broke, the video stopped and my room became entirely silent. Wtf?!

getting self-sacrificial tim flashbacks and i do NOT like it. martin you better survive this or so help me god, i WILL... cry ;~;

I love the airplane sound around mr fairchild it adds a lot with such a subtle detail

Oh my God, I love Simon. He's just so chipper!

Sky Grandpa! How delightful.

Lot of people falling out of buildings in the 1930s, so I imagine it was a good cover.

@River_StGrey

Жыл бұрын

This is an amazing comment holy shit.

“Let’s start over; Simon. Simon Fairchild.” I feel like I just got beamed in the head with a discus, it’s *H I M*-

2:29 wtf does he mean "peter was not exaggerating"??? i listened to this for the first time like a year ago and i still have no idea what that could allude to. is martin just a snack?

@hermazingbartels2377

3 жыл бұрын

remember when jon was surprised to hear that basira said that martin was "not the hot one"

@benjaminjenkins2384

2 жыл бұрын

I think hes talking about how smart Martin is, and the amount of questions he asks

@jonahyogman6282

2 жыл бұрын

@@hermazingbartels2377 when wa sthis?

@hermazingbartels2377

2 жыл бұрын

@@jonahyogman6282 52, about 8 mins in

The fact that Simon Fairchild is originally italian fills me with joy 💓🇮🇹

Well 2020 is really giving me extinction vibes

"I don't know." "I can't help you." "No clue" "All the answers for those difficult questions" XD

Finally the short king Simon Fairchild himself is here. Also, you know who we haven't heard of in a good long while? John Amherst, the sweaty boi, like, where is he? What's he doing? EDIT: Nevermind he's been doing AMAZING appearently.

as someone from years in the future... I think The Extinction had quite a good time during 2020

@lilaboxx

2 жыл бұрын

When basira said "I guess I'm just a bit burned out on the end of the world" i felt that 😭

@Ghostrecall_M

Жыл бұрын

We're fine.

"We're not [done]. Sit back down." is so hot tho 🥵

makes me want to sob how suicidal martin is being at the end with all this self sacrifice bollocks.. like basira, sweetie- comfort the bastard... he needs help

"I do my best to have a good time," says Simon Fairchild, chucking an unsuspecting bystander into the void.

I love how amused Simon sounds throughout this episode

Listening to the end of the episode makes me think Basira is being hard on Jon because she knows being soft isn't effective with him. He has to feel guilt or like he has a purpose. But she seems to be worried about him, about Martin, and a bit proud of how he's keeping it together despite clearly being hungry. I don't know. We get so much from Jon it's hard to catch more than a mere glimpse into the other archive assistants' psyches. Basira is clearly the more level-headed out of them all and, despite having been harsh af to Jon lately, she's still talking to him, helping him out, and working with him. I think she doesn't hate him nearly as much as it might seem from how brutal some of her remarks sound to us.

@Idran

Жыл бұрын

God, _thank_ you. I thought I was going crazy with how it seemed like literally everyone in the comments was turning against everyone who wasn't Jon or Martin.

I love the contrast between Mike Crew’s grumpy hot temper and Simon’s nonchalant “it is what it is” attitude

Simon Fairchild is a Rick Sanchez kinnie

@jackthefoolish

3 жыл бұрын

oh i hate this ahaha

I somehow knew I'd like Simon Fairchild. Not as a person, hell no, he's a horrible man. But I like him as a character, best avatar by far. Overall I've liked the Vast the most, probably because I mostly like wide open spaces. The ocean and the sky and the space. If I had to pick an entity to serve it'd be the Vast, or the Lonely. Being in a wide open field with endless horizon and sky all alone without anyone near for miles and miles? Sounds amazing

Simon is actually so great! And, to be honest, the Vast is one of the fears I feel affected by the least, so I already saw him as less threatening; then it turns out he’s straight up VIBING through life like this? I love him.

The Entities are a lot like Azathoth. Just there doing their own thing, destroying anything they touch, completely mindless. I don't know if I like Simon or Peter more with that cheerful evil vibe. Or Elias. Can't resist that smug asshole, especially when he gets punched. So many good villains.

Oh my word it's getting worse! How is that even possible???

@Mondy667

4 жыл бұрын

Lmao how

haha this episode is totally fine in 2020 haha

“Tell me I’m wrong” “You’re wrong”

AFLGLSSKFHDDSFKDFS In the closed campions for Mr Fairchild’s name it says “Simon Hedgehog” and I LOVE that-

Hi Alex!

"Ice ages, PANDEMICS" i see what you did there Sims, I see

@Idran

Жыл бұрын

Pretty sure that's just a coincidence? This episode came out really early in COVID on the podcast feed, around August 2019 which I think was before it really hit pandemic levels if I remember right. It was just like a year late coming to KZread.

@senormooples2354

Жыл бұрын

@@Idran nahh man, you just don't see the big picture

You're not just gonna die are you Martin?..... Right?

The end of all life is looming. Simon Fairchild: "We do a little trolling."

i was feeling so proud of martin this whole episode, he handled that so well omg

fuck things are about to get real. im hoping jon is gonna be martins anchor to get him out of the Lonely jesusuuuuuss

UNKNOWN Oh! Hello. Hmmm… [CHAIR SCRAPING, PAPER SHUFFLING] Mm-hm! [laugh] [MORE PAPER SHUFFLING, CLANKING/BANGING, LIKE A LARGE OBJECT BEING SHIFTED OR A DOOR OPENING] [laugh] [SOUND OF SMALLER OBJECTS BEING SHIFTED AROUND] MARTIN Um, excuse me sir - uh, sorry, you - can’t actually be here? UNKNOWN Oh, not to worry! I seem to be doing all right so far. MARTIN No, I, I mean - this area is actually off limits to the public, so - UNKNOWN And quite right, too! Goodness, the things they could learn here! Turn your hair white, eh? (chuckles) Best to keep them out, I say. [THE UNKNOWN MAN CONTINUES TURNING PAGES, ‘HMM’ING TO HIMSELF.] MARTIN (suspicious) …who are you? Did Peter send you? UNKNOWN Ah! You must be Martin. Goodness, he was not exaggerating. MARTIN What’s that supposed to mean? UNKNOWN Oh, come now, don’t be like that. Let’s start over. Simon. Simon Fairchild. Peter asked me to look in on you and have a small chat. Well, a big chat, really. Answer all those… nagging questions. MARTIN Simon Fairchild. …(nervous laugh) Wait, Simon Fairchild, as in - SIMON As in, all those people who said I did horrible things to them and their loved ones? Yes! …They have been in, haven’t they? I’d hate to think I’m underrepresented in here - not when Peter tells me that that (derisive) bone fellow has at least half a dozen - MARTIN No, no! (nervous laugh) Not, not at all. You, you’ve sent plenty of people our way. SIMON Brilliant! So. Shall we get started? MARTIN S-sorry, (nervous laugh) I’m still not entirely clear what’s going on. What are you doing here? SIMON I see! I suppose it was a bit much to expect him to have filled you in on everything already. I mean - in many ways - that’s the point. MARTIN (resigned) …riiight. SIMON So. You’ve been working with Peter for a while now, correct? MARTIN Sure. SIMON And he’s been promising you answers to all those - difficult questions? MARTIN I, I mean, sort of. SIMON Well, that’s me. MARTIN What? SIMON Yes, well, you have to understand how it is with Peter. He finds talking to people directly very difficult. Especially explaining the more, um - esoteric side of things? Charming chap, I’m sure you agree - absolutely lovely - but even if you can convince him to actually give you a straight answer, he’s just not that good at actually putting these things into words. Something to do with his upbringing, I think. (conspiratorial whisper) I’m pretty sure he was home-schooled, you know! MARTIN So - so, what, he sends you to answer questions because he doesn’t want to? SIMON Precisely! MARTIN And you do it? Why? SIMON Is that your first question? MARTIN (tense) …is there a limit? SIMON Only until I get bored. And that does tend to come more quickly these days. MARTIN O…okay, okay then, sure, sure. First question, then. Why are you helping Peter? Don’t you serve different, you know, fears? SIMON Well, now… See, that’s actually two questions. The answer to the first is simple. I lost a bet, and this is how the good Captain chooses to use that. The second is… sort of? I mean - yes, if you want to get technical, he serves the One Alone and I serve the Falling Titan, but those two are a lot closer than you might imagine. After all, the larger the space you find yourself alone in, the more isolated you feel. MARTIN And being aware of how lonely you are (dry laugh) can make anywhere feel more empty. SIMON Exactly. I’ve actually been toying with the idea of trying to do something with the scale of humanity itself - you know, emphasize all that overpopulation nonsense - but honestly, it just doesn’t ring true for me. We’re all just so tiny and pointless, you see, it’s hard to really get past it. Also, I worry it might be straying into territory that emboldens our potential new rival. MARTIN The Extinction. SIMON The very same. Peter said you’d have a lot of questions about that one. MARTIN I do. How are new powers born? SIMON Hmm… Don’t know. MARTIN How soon could it attempt this ritual? SIMON (cheerily) No clue. MARTIN How do we stop it? SIMON Can’t help you. MARTIN (teeth gritted) Could you at least try? SIMON No, no, no, you’re right, of course. The thing you have to remember is that no one actually knows how these things work - not really. There’s always been plenty of theories, of course, and over a century or two you do start to get an intuitive feel for it, but… there’s really no hard-and-fast rules. The powers, or entities, or fears, or whatever you want to call them, are bound up in emotion. In feeling. How they exist, what they can do, how they interact with the world… it all makes about as much logical sense as a nightmare. [MARTIN INHALES] Which is to say, there is a certain sort of emotional logic to it all: things feel like they flow together in a way that makes sense, but if you try to stop and do the maths, then it all comes apart. At least, in my experience. When is a new power born? Well, when does it feel like its birth would be right? When enough creatures suffer a terror of it that feels distinct, that feels truly its own? Then it would probably feel right for it to emerge into its own. Or perhaps there’s a ritual. If it feels right to enact some sort of birthing ceremony, some… apocalyptic midwifery - MARTIN (interrupting) And how close is it, do you think? SIMON Hard to be sure. Peter thinks very close indeed, what with all the current hubbub, and I’m inclined to agree. MARTIN You don’t sound worried. SIMON That’s because we disagree on exactly how bad it will be. Peter seems convinced that the Extinction is different, that its actual birth will be as bad - or worse - as another power fully manifesting. He believes its advent will be heralded by all sorts of disasters, and catastrophes, and global upheavals, and whatnot. That kind of thing. MARTIN Sounds like a rich feeding ground. SIMON Well, exactly! Peter, however, seems to think that it will upset the balance that we all have an awful lot invested in. And he’s not at all certain the world as we understand will come out the other side. MARTIN And let me guess: you think he can’t see the big picture. SIMON (exhale) I see why he likes you. [MARTIN SIGHS] It’s all a matter of perspective, you see. My patron has gifted me with, quite frankly, an absurdly long life. An appropriate gift, and one that serves to provide a certain distance from things. Of course, a paltry few centuries is nothing, really, but it’s more than most get. And even in that brief time, I’ve seen all sorts of ebbs and flows to the balance of things. Do you know when the last ritual I attempted was? MARTIN - I - I don’t know, that space station…? SIMON Oh, goodness, no, that’s the future, my boy! No. It was 1853! The height of the aquarium mania! All over the empire, people were starting to understand the depths of the terrible unknown below the ocean. And I thought that was a rich vein to be tapped. Even bothered old Halley1 into helping me design a special diving bell for the ritual. I called it the Awful Deep, and between you and me, I was rather proud of myself. MARTIN So why didn’t it work? SIMON Because it wasn’t a very good idea…? The fear wasn’t out there - not like I hoped it was. It all sort of… fizzled. Also, a Hunter broke in and destroyed the mechanism. Sent me and all my sacrifices plummeting to the bottom of the ocean. MARTIN I don’t see your point. SIMON (inhale) My point is… …you know, I’ve quite forgotten! [MARTIN SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION] SIMON Hey, I’ve just not been doing much recently. It’s not a good time for perspective, you see. The world all feels too small these days. I used to do a lot with religion, but it’s just not got the same conceptual scope as it used to. Honestly, I’m pinning most of my long-term hopes on space. But that’s at least a hundred years away. MARTIN (tense) Assuming the Extinction doesn’t derail everything…! SIMON Which is why I’m happy helping Peter. But, if it does, then I’ll either be dead, which will be fine, or… I’ll adjust. MARTIN It doesn’t scare you…? SIMON Martin. Taken on a cosmic scale, we’ve never even been alive - not in any way that might register. I mean, if this dreadful little planet had a fractionally different orbit, and life had never even started here, then ultimately nothing of any real importance would have changed. MARTIN … I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever. SIMON What a lonely way to look at things. Which makes sense, I suppose. MARTIN So what do you do, then, if - if the world is pointless, and your god is so weak right now? SIMON I have a good time. And do my best to avoid the drama. It’s all been getting a bit much over the last few decades. I blame the number of people. From a raw numbers point of view, it’s getting very busy. More minds equals more fear, after all.

@stevenredacted1322

3 жыл бұрын

MARTIN (pouncing) I thought you said that the maths doesn’t work. SIMON Oh, you are a quick one! So, maybe I’m wrong! But, crucially, I suspect a lot of the other servants and creatures out there have a similar idea. Probably why they’re all in such a rush to make their own attempts. MARTIN You make it sound like the - the entities don’t even know what they’re doing. SIMON I have no idea if they’re “doing” anything at all. If they’re even capable of “doing” things. I know that most of their servants are simply doing their best to interpret and serve something that is almost definitively inconceivable. MARTIN You can’t be serious! SIMON All right. Let’s try one of those analogies Peter finds so annoying. Erm… imagine you are deaf. But every night you hear the most beautiful music in your dreams, and your every waking thought is consumed by trying to reproduce that music. - oh, you’re mute, as well, in this analogy, or at least, you can’t sing. And you need to invent the idea of a musical instrument from scratch. Everyone else is also deaf and mute, and, um - MARTIN (impatient) Yes, yes, I think I get it. SIMON Yes, well the point is: most of us are trying so desperately to recreate our own dream symphony that we bring an awful lot of our own baggage into the mix. MARTIN …What about the monsters? SIMON What monsters? MARTIN Things like Mi- erm, uh, the Distortion. I thought they were part of the entities themselves - like, extensions. Surely they know what’s going on. SIMON Honestly, I think they have it a lot worse than we do. Imagine being a hand that can conceive of itself - having impulses shot through you, being moved and clinched by some unseen mind - but never knowing the reasoning behind your own actions. Or even if you’re just some thoughtless reflex. (noise of disgust) Sounds horrid. MARTIN (agitated) So - so, if no one’s ever actually communicated with their patron, how do you know they even want rituals? How - h-how does anyone know if they could ever even work? SIMON We don’t! [MARTIN SCOFFS] SIMON And honestly? The idea that this is all some grand cosmic joke - thousands of us running around spreading horror and sabotaging each other pointlessly, while these impossible, unknowable things just lurk out there, feeding off the misery we cause? I find that interpretation quite appealing. But, I still hear the music in my dreams. [MARTIN MAKES A SOUND OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. SEVERAL MOMENTS OF SILENCE PASS.] MARTIN Who are you? No, no - who were you? SIMON Originally? No one you would have heard of. No great historical figure or atrocity-monger. I’ve been Simon Fairchild about, um, eighty or ninety years, maybe? For business purposes, mainly. By which I mean I was bored at not being wealthy, so I made some arrangements and sent Mr. Fairchild on a very long fall. I could go into details, but without a certain amount of knowledge of 1930s tax practices, it wouldn’t mean very much to you. MARTIN And - and how did you get started with it all? Did you - did - did you just look up at the sky one day and fall head-over-heels in love? SIMON Sort of, actually. Except it wasn’t the actual sky, it was a painting. I was apprenticed, you see, under Tintoretto. Dreadful man, but a decent artist. He was fascinated, you see, with the human figure. He found most of the rest of the work dreadfully dull, so he’d always delegate a lot of it to us. He had a particular distaste for painting the sky, and I was always the one he called on to do them. Days, weeks I would spend, focusing so intently on these patches of clear sky or swirling cloud at the top of his latest self-proclaimed masterpiece. And gradually it sort of, um, drew me in, until it seemed to dwarf the rest of the work. Every stroke of the brush felt larger than my entire existence. And when I finally lost my footing, well… I should, of course, have fallen to the floor of the church, broken my neck. But that blue-painted sky welcomed me with open arms. And I never looked back. I try to share it with others - not just as sacrifices - but they often find it difficult to keep up with the, um… velocity I tend to live at. They tend to get left behind, and I suppose it doesn’t help that I can’t bring myself to see any of them as anything other than trivial. MARTIN Mm. SIMON No wonder I’m so sympathetic to the Lonely! You know, this really is a place for self-discovery, isn’t it? (chuckles) Statement ends, I suppose. MARTIN Er - I’m sorry? SIMON Oh, nothing, just my own hubris. I should have known. When I came here, I said to myself, “Simon,” I said, “You’re going to answer this young man’s questions, but you’re not going to give the Watcher a statement. You’re better than that.” But it’s a hard one to resist, isn’t it? You get in the flow of talking about yourself, and it all just… tumbles out! MARTIN It does seem like it. SIMON (laughs) Well, this has been fun. Now, if we’re about done - [CHAIR SCRAPES] MARTIN We’re not. Sit back down. SIMON Bold! (chuckles) [CHAIR SCRAPES] I like it. MARTIN You said you were here to answer my questions for Peter, but so far you’ve told me basically nothing of any use. SIMON The big answers are rarely helpful. MARTIN Then let’s try some smaller ones. Is Peter attempting a ritual? SIMON Not in the sense that you’re used to. Him and his family made their play a few years ago, and they failed. I’m sure he’d like me to explain it, but I think he can do that one himself. MARTIN How honest has he been with me? SIMON About which part? MARTIN Protecting the others. SIMON I think he tried. I suspect he may have slightly exaggerated his abilities when you first made the deal, but he certainly expended a reasonable amount of influence and resources to follow through. MARTIN But - but that was never the endgame, was it? He just wanted me on his side long enough to rope me into his, his plans for the Extinction. SIMON Do you really need me to answer that one? MARTIN Fine. So, why me? What’s his plan? Why not get the others involved? SIMON He is what he is, Martin. For a creature of the Lonely, the urge is always to isolate, never to communicate or connect. I suspect that’s why he’s so keen on wagers. It allows him a framework for cooperation that doesn’t risk any sort of intimacy. As for his plan… I don’t know the details! But I believe there is something in the Institute that he thinks can help his cause. MARTIN And he needs me to use it…? SIMON Presumably. From what he said, it must be powerfully aligned to the Watcher. If he wishes to use it, it would need someone already touched by the Eye. And if he wants to control that someone - MARTIN They need to serve the Lonely. SIMON Quite right. [MARTIN EXHALES] Anything else? MARTIN How do you feel about this? SIMON You might need to be a tad more specific. MARTIN All of it. Peter’s plan, the Extinction, me…? SIMON I think…(inhale) I think Peter is taking a rather large but calculated gamble. Not just on you, but on a lot of things. If it works, he’ll be in a very strong position. And if he fails, it won’t be all that bad. MARTIN (tense) You don’t think it’ll be the end of the world? SIMON Oh, it very well might be, but… (sigh) life has continued through dozens of apocalypses already. Ice ages, pandemics, calamities, extinctions. The only reason this one feels special is because, well - it’s happening to you. And that’s the sort of solipsism that tends to come with loneliness, in my experience. So, my feeling is that I’ll help out where I can, but ultimately, if this Armageddon comes off, then - so be it. Either billions suffer and life goes on, or billions suffer and life doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things, it’s all much of a muchness. MARTIN …Right. SIMON Sorry. Too big-picture? I get that a lot. MARTIN No, it’s… (inhale) Thank you. This has… actually been quite helpful. SIMON I’d say, “any time,” but honestly, if you see me again… I may just throw you off something for a joke. How do you feel about - roller coasters? MARTIN Um… Neutral. SIMON (disappointed) Oh. You’re no fun. [FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY] [MARTIN SIGHS]

@stevenredacted1322

3 жыл бұрын

BASIRA Who was that? MARTIN Basira, please, I don’t have time - BASIRA (interrupting) Oh, no, you don’t. MARTIN (warning) Basira, let go. BASIRA I don’t think so. Three weeks I’ve been waiting to catch sight of you, and now I find you chatting with Simon Fairchild. No, you’re not pulling your little vanishing act on me. MARTIN How did you know about - BASIRA Yeah, John’s not the only one who listens to statements. MARTIN … It’s none of your business. BASIRA No? Because it seems to me like you’re palling around with two very dangerous people, right around the time you’re cutting all of us out. [MARTIN INHALES] That makes me worried. It makes me suspicious. … Tell me I’m wrong. MARTIN You’re wrong. BASIRA So what’s going on, then? Talk to me. MARTIN It’s. Complicated. BASIRA What, they’re just here out of the goodness of their hearts? Helping you save the world from Extinction? MARTIN You know about that? BASIRA Yeah, John found the tapes you made for him - MARTIN (frantically) Shh, shh! BASIRA Found a stash of them a while ago. I made sure he shared with the club - MARTIN (frustrated) Well, there you go, then! BASIRA John may be going through a whole “we have to trust Martin” thing, but I’m not. As far as I can see, you’re either compromised, or you’re being played. And I want to know which. MARTIN I didn’t know John had listened to them already. BASIRA Well, he has. He seems to think you’ll come to him when you need him. I think you’re feeding him what he needs to hear, so he doesn’t bother you. MARTIN Look, I don’t have time for this. I don’t like that I have to work with Peter any more than you do, and I didn’t know that Simon was involved until today. But I would hope that you and John understood the importance of preventing an apocalypse. BASIRA …I guess I’m just a bit burned out on the end of the world. MARTIN Yeah, well, that’s your problem. BASIRA And if you really think this whole Extinction thing is it - why not come to us for help? MARTIN I can’t. Peter’s the one with the plan, and… it needs me to be alone. BASIRA And you don’t see anything suspicious about that - MARTIN (overlapping) Of course I do, but it - might be the only way, and… so far at least he’s been honest with me. Awful, but… honest. I need to do this. For everyone. [LONG PAUSE] BASIRA You’re not expecting to come out of this, are you? MARTIN I’ll do what I have to. If I’m right, no one else needs to get hurt. BASIRA … (sigh) Okay. [MARTIN EXHALES] You want to do whatever grand sacrifice you think is going to save everyone, go ahead. But you’d best be sure you’re not just playing their game. MARTIN I know what I’m doing. BASIRA We’ll see. Don’t make me regret this. MARTIN Yeah. Don’t… tell John. Please. BASIRA Fine. I can’t promise you he won’t just Know it, though. MARTIN … How is he? BASIRA Hungry. [MARTIN EXHALES] But… he’s keeping it together. MARTIN (exhales) That’s good. Can I go now? BASIRA Sure. [MARTIN SIGHS] [CLICK]

@thistleywistley681

3 жыл бұрын

Steven [Redacted] thank youu

@takeoats

Жыл бұрын

Petra ivan U have competition

"I've been thinking about doing something with the scale of humanity itself but ... Also I am worried that might embolden out new rival." That could fit this "extinction" into the framework I built up back in S2. Basically, I noticed that Aloneness and Slaughter were missing their anathemas and predicted that those already existed and were simply too weak to manifest. Doom due to the excessive growth of humanity does fit neatly into the hole opposite The Lonely when seen from that angle, doesn't it? And this so called Extinction is very clearly a *human* apocalypse. Nukes and pollution are *ours* in the end. Number stations are bleeding totems to the dark corruptive horror of too many people working together. Also, it would explain the Lucas's keen interest, it is *ANATHEMA* to them. Check out Tom Lehrer's song "we will all go together".

Once Martin Blackwood dies you'll find out that this was all just one elaborate setup for Jonathan Sim's own harem anime.

Martin. Have you learned nothing from jon's attempts to throw his life away for a good cause? What makes you so special, huh? Truly a Lonely curse to think so, as Simon says. I...love Simon. But I'd piss my pants if he threw me off somewhere. No thanks. I prefer to align with The Eye.

Simon Fairchild: SPAAAAAACE

I really like the Elaborate Names for the entities and hope we hear all of them. "The One Alone", "The Falling Titan", "The Ceaseless Watcher", "Too Close I Cannot Breathe" are the only ones I can remember off the top of ny head but I love how esoteric they sound compared to just Lonely, Vast, Eye and Buried.

Oh joy! Another avatar for me to enjoy. I like Simon.

Imagine being a hand conscious of its own existence but having impulses shot through you is the most disturbing analogy I’ve ever heard

simon getting upset that martin doesnt like roller coasters, hes me fr i love him

@Idran

Жыл бұрын

no I think he was upset that Martin didn't love them _or_ hate them with all Simon's past episodes he was all about exploiting things on one side or the other, messing with people using either things they loved or things they hated, so Martin saying he didn't have any strong feelings either way ruined it for Simon

@waffleartz8581

Жыл бұрын

@@Idran I can see that

God this episode is so good, the personalities make it both fun to listen to and is just hilarious to hear about these eldritch avatars placing bets, hating another's analogies, joking with each other and giving passive aggressive threats; like it makes some sense for something so unopposed to be so carefree and whimsical as well, and it's just a great dynamic to see the terror of the main characters by comparison. On my second listen to TMA and it really just doesn't get old tbh

'How do you feel about rollercoasters? ~~' ... ' *NEUTRAL* .' :D :D :D kay Martin, you nearly convinced me there.

"I would say 'any time' but honestly if you see me again I may just throw you off something for a joke. How do you feel about... rOlLrCoAsTeRs??"

“No one actually knows how these things work” Yh mate we learnt from the DIY burnt baby Messiah

Sky grandpa is a great part of the chill sky family. I love the vast.

SIMON SOUNDS LIKE THE VOICEACTOR FROM OLD RUSSIAN AUDIOBOOKS I USED TO LISTEN TO AS A CHILD THIS IS SO COMFORTING I DON'T THINK I CAN BE SPOOKED ANYMORE

God, Simon Fairchild is to The Magnus Archives what Sheogorath is to The Elder Scrolls. Absolutely horrifying in concept yet charming company in person. And for that I love them both equally

i love it when a character who was frequently mentioned throughout the podcast makes an appearance and is literally such a blast to listen to

SIT DOWN // BOLD! I LIKE IT :) - hellu babes this gave me life

Simon is such an icon, I love him. He seems so cheerful and fun

Never got the manipulating Martin vibe until this ep. But at least he’s doing it from a place of love.

The tape hiss gets a bit louder when Martin asks about the Extinction…

I love Simon Fairchild's demeanor so much. awful man, lovely roaring static noises

I didn't expect Simon to be such a likeble and cool character. One of my favorites I think.