We dim "our" light so they can shine "bright".

It took me years to realize that healthy friendships can resolve issues. Toxic ones, NEVER DO. I truly know the difference. It just feels unsettling in your soul. No longer can I or will I deal with it. And again, I’m so grateful to be done with them. I now know better, so I do better. Thank you again, sis. Your videos are food for the soul.🙏🏿💗

"If you salve the problem, there is no drama left!" wooooow. I always felt it, she didn't want a solution, she just pretended to want one.

40+ year friendship....2 year no contact. To much to write to explain the dynamics. But I'm free !!!

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Yes!!!

@Fourleafclover9

4 жыл бұрын

Im back in touch with my narc ex after being discarded in January,. I said il try be friends but ive come so far feels like a bad feeling

@octoberwoods

Жыл бұрын

I feel you, 34 year friendship took so many years to figure out what was going on. Currently doing the slow fade, after my wedding and the way she acted really showed her true colors.

@Urshi9

Ай бұрын

Wow, nearly same here for me… 30+ years of friendship. I don’t miss her at all!

Thank god my toxic friendships are over; and I can focus on me. Being aware and setting boundaries is key, thank you for discussing this on a friendship level it’s hard to talk about to others

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Yes, it is challenging to make others understand what you have been through. Save yourself the effort and acknowledge your own experiences.

@missrelaxed3872

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly it’s hard to talk about this to others! No one understands the fact that friendship could also be toxic

@melinatedvessel6840

3 жыл бұрын

@@PetraVanDeijl Thanks for this...I've no friends left ..Once you place boundaries those friendships tend to discenagrate.. I've worked really hard on my codependency... This is my exact story with this woman She went on to marry her other besties children's father,of course their divorced now...She made me feel like I was so important and needed..If she cldnt find me she wld stalk my whole fam looking for me.Of course when she found me she just wanted to unload drama..There was always drama as you stated...I'm so glad its finally over..I ended up losing other friends because I was so focused on her drama...my focus was completely off...I see her now and then around our small town and I feel sickened.. She never did the same for me if course it was always about her her job her husband, her children her parents...She used my other family members as well.. I feel the need to mention she was a caucasian woman..We would go out and I always got more attn than her from men she wld be visibly livid, but pretending..She wld say,what am I chop liver..She threw herself at men,but professed to be a Christian, lol...I think because I'm black she assumed she automatically was better and a more valuable person than me...Why I stayed friends for 15yrs is beyond me...It was crushing the way the friendship ended...Complete betrayal....

She has made me sick, mentally and physically. Thank you.

@bygats421

4 ай бұрын

because she saw your power and hated herself for not having it

I really needed to hear this today. A long time friend has recently ("Loudly") started to show narcissistic traits, that I saw small signs of in the past, but did not pay attention to. The situation with them is sad and heartbreaking, and emotional (over the past few weeks) I have felt like my heart has a hundred-pound weight in it, because of this. Not sure how the situation is going to turn out, but I realize that the relationship will never be the same - "Once you have seen the truth of the Matrix, there is no going back to the false reality, your mind just will not be able to handle the lies that you are being shown" - Morpheus (Matrix part 1)

I liked how you addressed "your wounded place that attracted that toxic dance. It's wounds we need to heal in ourselves"

I cut off my best friend of 20 years because he displayed narcissistic traits. The biggest thing for me was he had enablers in his life including me at one point that did not hold him accountable for his childish behavior. It's when I started holding him accountable is when his true colors showed. You are basically dealing with an adult child. It's NOT healthy and I am much happier

I recently broke up with a narcissistic friend. She could talk at length about herself, but the moment I started talking she would rest her chin in her hand and start yawning. I think she was trying to convey to me that she thought I was boring

Thank you. I am realizing most of my friends are narcissists and I'm distancing myself from them.

Thank GOD you spoke about this, i am constantly looking for someone to talk about it! i was in the exact same thing for over 16 years, the friendship is now OVER! this is exactly what i went through. Thank you sooo much

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Also give yourself credit for distancing yourself from such toxicity!

@lweendokumalo5957

4 жыл бұрын

People are evil . They will use you only to get what they want from you

You tend to make yourself small in these relationships. Check. Insidious guilt trip if you dare to speak up. Check. Shame blamed, and silenced. Check. You are expected to constantly feed their ego. Putting their needs before your own. EXPECTED of you. Absolutely. A toxic dance. Yes. Petra, this video is really great at explaining this stuff which is so confusing when it's happening, if you've never seen it before. In my case, when I wonder what caused me to be so conditioned to accept these wrong headed attitudes from two friends - (not romantic attachments) - I can only say that my upbringing strongly emphasized trying to be considerate of others, make them know you care about them, be understanding of their shortcomings. Always think of others. So, not to complain about my mother, but...she was quite religious. Turn the other cheek: understand that the other person doesn't really mean the rude things they say. Maybe they've been hurt in childhood, so try to understand....blah, blah. My mother was a wonderful person, but, I'd say, VERY naive. AND, she tended to attract users. So, with your help, Petra, I've come a long way. Now I find, when meeting a new person, it comes naturally to me to look for signs that there is balance. If there starts to be an energetic "pulling" towards a feeling of being manipulated or put into a one down position, I'm gone. Thank you, Petra. Glad to see you back with another video!

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, turning the other cheek is outdated and disrespectul to yourself (in my opinion). You can be understanding but not gullible. Being aware of this insidious abuse and taking responsibility for yourself, to secure your own peace of mind and happiness is key!

@ashl8804

2 жыл бұрын

@Jeanog Yes, the whole 'Christian' thing, I can relate. Got bitten....!

This is a subject not often broached. Nice to hear from you again.

Great intel - interestly while going no contact with mother and other family members - an unidentified narc friend was getting stronger in my life. Never even noticed the behavior until several months into no contact with family. To my horror the narc never left - which is proof there is a wound. Get rid of one and another is there - it felt like a demon spirit that was jumping into different bodies - same malignant energy, different face.

As a highly sensitive empath, I have been involved in various relationships with Narcisissts. This describes my ex friend perfectly. I'm mostly alone now after cutting out the toxic ones but at least I have peace.

Thank you so much for this video! Found myself lost in the chaos of a narcissistic friendship recently. Like you, I finally got to the place where I said 'enough is enough' and have gone no contact. As you communicated in your message, life is too short for toxic relationships.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

I concur. "lost in the chaos" is a very true statement.

I feel like I'm a narcissist magnet :-(

@karlopetrovic3733

4 жыл бұрын

Or maybe they are everywhere

@cc-cd1yh

4 жыл бұрын

@@karlopetrovic3733 All jokes aside, there are many of them.

@karlopetrovic3733

4 жыл бұрын

@@cc-cd1yh i know bro thats what iam trying to say

@samanthadutoit1247

4 жыл бұрын

Me too 😭

@almondmilksoda

Жыл бұрын

If you're highly sensitive/neurodivergent/on the spectrum, you likely are. These people are predators and they can smell your kindheartedness, mistaking it for weakness. Listen to your gut, trust your body/feelings, and set boundaries. These people don't deserve access to you, honestly. They just mess everything up.

Thank you so much for speaking about this people don't realize how much friendships with people like this can effect someone I am currently healing from a narc friendship.

@thepriestess5969

3 жыл бұрын

Wishing you a great health

Thank you so much for covering this topic! Appreciate you💋😗

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for watching. x

Hi Petra; A lot of times. We just don't give ourselves credit for our contribution to our relationships. Lord after a Narcissistic relationship. I don't even want to deal w/any friendships.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Never undermine the fact that there are so many authentic and sincere people too! True friendships will always enrich the soul

@pjeanettemariejonesnavarro1898

5 жыл бұрын

@@PetraVanDeijl How true. Friendships are the preciousciousness of our healthy lifes journey.

I took so many notes from this video. I was a victim of a narc but I won't get into detail as I don't want to talk about myself just like narcs do "me me me listen to meeeee". Instead I will share my favorite quotes from your informative video: "You tolerate. Downplay. You're in denial. You don't want to admit you're in toxicity. Shame blamed. Guilt tripped. You suffer in silence. THEY SUCK YOUR ENERGY. YOU ARE THEIR AUDIENCE. Deplete you. Talking about themselves NONSTOP. ALWAYS ALWAYS DRAMA!! Can't just talk about normal stuff." I agree with what you said that most narcs believe their victims are the narcs!! They use the therapist as a front. When someone says they were a victim of a narc I will always raise an eyebrow and think "or are you the narc". So complicated and yes I needed to learn to respect my intuition. I am sitting in the feeling of being used and discarded once I finally spoke up. I feel like screaming DUH!!! How obvious it all was. You are not alone thank you for your work.

@ashl8804

2 жыл бұрын

There can be 'genuine' victims of narcs. Not everyone is playing a role or fake.

@katierose1893

2 жыл бұрын

@@ashl8804 what ?

Thank you for this great video! I went no contact with a friend of 40 plus years. I was beyond drained from her. Going no contact was the best thing I ever did for myself! I have MY life back again!!!

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Yes! It's all about making the choice to elevate your peace of mind and happiness.

@deak1deak1

4 жыл бұрын

Me too 2 weeks ago...after 40 years friendship 😯

Thank you I am in 2 toxic friendships Calling me every 3 hours to see where I’m at what am I doing and who am I doing it with and after I got away from my narcissist relationship I can see to red flags more clearly now then before But they just don’t take a hint But I am firm on my decision I will not pick up the phone to them

@diamondvall101

5 жыл бұрын

John Narayan Thank you

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Don't give them hints, just give them boundaries!

@Fan_Tash_Tic

4 жыл бұрын

Isn’t that the crazy thing though?! Before you date a narcissist you are completely blind to narcissistic friends. But once you educate yourself you start seeing them all come to light and it’s scary!

@Trypyyyy

4 жыл бұрын

You need to ghost them. Change your number if need be.

The conversation shut down and not reciprocating to listen to me is so true

Yes thank you for this..... Their isn't many videos on this your right. I just let go of a narc friend she was horrendous terrible times for 6years...every single thing was right

I just told my daughter that I always thought I wanted to be friends with the narc that I knew. Now I feel totally different. I do not want or need to be friends with him. Narcissism is evident even in his friendship with other people. 🤬

I’ve had that “friend” for more than 40 years. Last January I realized that she is a narcissist, and that was a relief to know because she has given me a lot of trouble with my inner life, she fills my headspace. That is the worst thing. I could live with her visiting me and talk about herself for up to two to four hours, and then say to me: well, I’m done, you can now start talking about your grandchildren. She has mocked me in her youtube channel (without telling my name, though), she has insulted me for no reason many times, and I let this go over me. I have quit taking initativ of having contact, I am silent in her fb statuses. But she has no clue, she will message me and ask for a visit, and if I am busy, she will press on the next days. What do I say next time this happens? Somehow I have felt it was my duty to be nice to her because she has lost all her old friends but I am sick and tired of her. The worst thing is as I mentioned before, the place she has in my head. I want her out of my head! The sad thing is that we share the same interests, so it is hard to let her go. One more point: she has imitaded my life from the beginning, and made comparisons all the time, especially if her living room was bigger than mine etc. Now it is the hard part: I want out of this relationship. Thank you for your wonderful videos! I play them all the time. You are very helpful!

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Those same interests that you talk about are not worth the abuse, neglect and dimming of your light dear Hellen.

@hellensigurbjorghelgadotti8815

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you❤️

@rubberbiscuit99

4 жыл бұрын

She probably shares your interests because she has been mirroring you from the beginning. I know exactly what you mean about how a narc gets in your headspace. It is sick how they do that. I felt better after I did a "cord cutting" guided meditation a few times. It helped me kick him out.

@hellensigurbjorghelgadotti8815

4 жыл бұрын

R.A. Andrews, exactly, that’s what I was thinking the other day. It is good to hear from people with the same experience. Thank you!

I had this realization with a aunt. We’re close in age and did a lot of things together like friends. Over the years I noticed I was always giving and she was always taking. Her birthdays were a big celebration I was expected to attend even if it meant calling off work. Meanwhile she couldn’t be bothered with my birthday and didn’t want to be know where around. When we were together she alway had an insult for me. I’d wear my hair a certain way and she had to comment how she hates that hairstyle. Only time I got a compliment was when someone gave one she would say oh yeah she looks cute. After years of gaslighting myself and her being bolder with her dislike of me I chose to leave her alone. I wrote her a long text about how she’s been treating me. She denied it then contested to she was sorry I felt that way. No accountability. My last straw was her actually dry begging for money. I found it funny she wants my money to benefit her but when I went off to trucking school she ignored me and when I came back with my license she acted very cold and while all my other family congratulated me she just stared at me and avoided me the whole day.

@shinebabyshine.

2 ай бұрын

sorry you went through that. u deserve better 🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your knowledge on this topic. Narcissistic friendships are similar to domestic violence relationships. They love bomb, devalue, etc.

I've only ever had one or two friends throughout my life but after falling ill twenty years ago I've seen both these fail. I was more or less accused of being a benefits cheat, mocked for being 'childish' when I was only trying to break the ice with levity in the face of their anger / contempt (the most recent meeting with one of them). It's painful to have such long-standing friendships dissolve but the toxicity has become too much to bear. On reflection there's been a string of circumstances where they've enjoyed shaming me, humiliating me in public... It's psychologically hellish but I always put up with it for fear of being left friendless. I have two gorgeous young cats who I feel greatly more love and fondness for; that might sound sad but I feel incredibly grateful for them as they are wonderful feline friends. It's something I'm learning quite late on, but integrity is vital in [human!] friendships, if it's one-sided it just ends in misery. Given the choice of having friends and walking on eggshells, or having none (no human ones at least 🐈‍⬛🐈) I know what I choose.

7 years with a toxic friend anytime I told her I wanted nothing to do with her she would go crazyyyyy I’m moving into my new place with my boyfriend July 6 best day of my life I will never ever see her again she doesn’t deserve me as a friend a real friend will be happy for you when you meet your life partner but narcissist don’t want you to be happy because they are miserable beings!!!

We tolerate toxic friendships more because we tend not to see them everyday. However, I find with smartphones these narcissists will try to wrap their tentacles around you via daily messaging. Usually boastful comments that I’m supposed to reply “wow! Amazing!” with all the time. And if I don’t reply, they come back with “is everything ok?” like there must be something wrong because I didn’t feed their ego. It’s tiring. My answer is to get the narcissist to associate you with pain. Instead of getting a dopamine hit, they get rejection. No reply, no response.

I am currently dealing with this. I've went no contact with my friend after she called me petty and made all kinds of accusations that simply weren't true. In the same sentence she says she not blaming or shaming. This was all over my adult children not attending her child's birthday party. She even made sure to throw in all she has done for me. I've caught her in several lies and have noticed a pattern of gas lighting and manipulation. When I asked for an apology she had nothing to say. I noticed that she is quick to call everyone out on their behavior but she herself has no accountability for anything she's done to others and has never apologized for anything the entire time I've known her. She even gets other people to go along with her lies. She was a love bomber at first. I've really been educating myself and I'm so glad I didn't fall back into her trap again.

Yes! Drama, drama, drama! Conversations always steered around her abusive childhood, arguments with other friends, down playing my suggestions or competing with my accomplishments or blessings in life! Thankfully, I’m capable of sensing such a dark and toxic spirit very quickly. My body reacts, even before my mind fully process what’s going on…. My internal spirit forces me to pull back quickly… Run to safety! Couldn’t care less how angry it makes that Narc!

Block all contact. I had clues. Dont let them know where you work or too much details about your life

@ashleykathryn9038

Жыл бұрын

All of 2022 I made the mistake of telling "friends" the area I live. Big mistake. I trust no one unless I've known them a year or longer. I have to relocate now and change my phone number.

I can totally relate to what you are saying ! There is always chaos and drama involved in my friendship with narcissistic friend! There was no normal conversation and she literally turned me in to her slave for 13 years! It took me 13 years to stand up for my self!

@PetraVanDeijl

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, it may have taken you 13 years. You were not ready to see the truth then, but you have evolved and come into a new awareness! xx

@missrelaxed3872

3 жыл бұрын

Petra Van Deijl exactly ! :)

Omg! I wish I could give this video 100 👍🏻!! You hit every nail on the head. Thank you.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

You are most welcome. Thank you for watching.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am in so much guilt every now and then that I went no contact, and moments of rumination, grief. I miss the presence of this friend, but when I look back I know in my heart that it will cause me more pain and loss if I stayed. It doesn't matter if she's a narc or not, the way she treated me during the friendship is enough reason for me to walk away. I am done with giving her the benefit of the doubt and 2nd,3rd,4th chances. I am choosing to love and honor myself this time. Trusting that God will be with me during this season of grief.

Sounds like a ‘friendship’ that I had for almost 20 years. It was great in the beginning but I started to see these toxic patterns later & went against my better judgement. She would dog out her husband and all her family for years & I would sit there & listen for hours while over time while my needs weren’t met. She always had a problem with someone or something - she constantly needed to be affirmed. It came to a head when she rang my wife, complaining about her husband (again) after a big row and my wife told me. Thinking I was a good friend, I rang her husband checking if they were OK. To cut a long story short both of them accused us of getting involved in their business & then they gave us the silent treatment. This was Xmas 2018 & we had limited communication since then. We told them that they were going to be the godparents to our son in March 2018 & my wife insisted that we remove them from that post. I felt guilt & said we should wait & see & hopefully this can resolve itself. This individual was a KZreadr & my wife alerted me to her latest KZread video where she was slating her ‘fake friends’ & it was very obvious she was talking about us. My wife was livid & very sadly we didn’t make them the godparents as they were really insulting on the video. After sometime, my wife & I tried to reach out. We apologised for our part in the altercation & hopes that we could work on restoring our friendship. She didn’t reply to either of us. The next day on her Instagram page, she wrote a scathing response saying that ‘she had enemies’ & ‘despite my venom, I will love them as Jesus does.’ This girl is deeply religious & her online brand promotes her values but she is acting shady. She is not practicing what she preaches & now I see the hypocrisy. We were like brother & sister - I knew her family & she mine & I thought our bond would last forever. Now looking back, she had very toxic traits that I chose to ignore & im grieving that I lost my childhood friend. She did everything you described in the video. Thank you for your work - you are doing a great job.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

"Hypocrisy" sums it all up. The betrayal is the worst and leaves you grieving and trying to fathom things out. There is no logic in crazy. I sympathize with what you and your family have been through. Take the time to grieve and be grateful that you broke contact when you did. Wishing you and your loved ones continued courage and strength.

Thanks for sharing because most often that's the Narc gateway into new relationships. I never thought about it until I viewed this video. All the signs were there but ignored them. Then he pulled me away from our mutual friends. He made himself the center of attention. It's really shocking to reflect on it now because I assumed it was only because of our friendship that I didn't recognize his behaviors. They were always there

Yes when they say you need therapy you can agree and state, " Yes perhaps you are correct as I repeatedly find myself in selfish and destructive relationships such as this one you and I are in. Great idea thanks!"

@PetraVanDeijl

3 жыл бұрын

😅 Exactly!

The part about manipulating the therapist - yes! When I tried to set boundaries with my narcissistic best friend of 17 years for the 4th time, she told me that her therapist said that it seems like I keep initiating these conversations as an excuse to end the friendship, because I just don't want to deal with all of her personal problems. I feel like if she had been honest - that these conversations have all been totally reasonable, normal and healthy requests for respect for my boundaries - no therapist would have said that. She then told me that "friends shouldn't have boundaries." I doubt she heard that from her therapist lol.

The first thing that I would do when I get into a new relationship, I can assure you that I will sit down with my intended and ask them to watch these videos to allow them to take in and know what to expect from the narc in my family and learn, and enjoy how transparent they realy are. Thanks for the opportunity Petra. Hope you don't mind.

I showed my narc way too much respect. When we went out for food and was shown to the table with one chair looking out I always gave it to her. One time I decided I was going to be the one sitting looking out. We hadn’t been sitting for a minute before she complained about the table and wanted to move. And don’t mention her attitude towards staff at restaurants. Constantly sending back food and getting money taken off the bill for starters

Listening now, my goodness! All of these are such red flags not only in the other person but in ourselves! I think I’ve come to the point in my healing journey where I’ve noticed the red flags within myself and how i need to change. I’ve had enough of focusing on these people… I need to ind healing within myself and never allow this again.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 ай бұрын

Recognising disempowering behaviour in yourself is the first step to healing. You've got this! Practice inner self-care and give your focus to what you DO want, as opposed to what you DON"T want.

This makes me so sad to realize I have been in a 17 year long toxic friendship. They were never like this in the beginning, but gradually changed into a guilt-tripping, insensitive, and blaming person. I am currently having trouble letting go, though I know I need to. I am their only friend at this time which makes me stay. I need advice how I can slowly disappear from their life. So far, I have cried and became so fed up with their behavior. I feel they are taking advantage of my kindness. =

Thank you so much! I feel such a relief that I’m not alone in this. So many years of abuse and now I’m ready to move on ❤

I remember when she told me I was showing signs of depression and seemed be going down the rabbit hole. That's when I gained enough courage to bite back.. only a few months before I went no-contact. All of this makes sense, in retrospect.

OMG! I've had two of these friendships Petra. The one was all about drama and all about her, no matter what was going on in my life! The other, I think I've mentioned here before, is the wife of my husband's friend. They came for dinner last week, and my thoughts were that I should dress down so she feels comfortable. The way I've decided to 'manage' this person, is to only see her as a couple, and I've stopped all solo visits with her! Have a lovely week further, and again, huge thanks for all you do. Belinda xo

@notagain779

5 жыл бұрын

My Style Journey, Stopping all solo visits with her is very smart of you. You certainly don't need to dress down for anybody. I've learned the hard way that too much consideration of others KEY PHRASE: AT MY OWN EXPENSE, is not at all necessary with anyone. (Except maybe not outshining the bride on her wedding day. That's the only time I can think of an exception.)

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Belinda, PLEASE dress UP next time this woman comes to dinner!!

@TheMidlifeGallivanters

5 жыл бұрын

Petra Van Deijl After listening to your video Petra, I honestly feel so inspired to never diminish my light for her ever again. 🌟😉😊

I hear you my thing was when I would break plans. Because something serious came up, I would catch hell every time. That's another reason why I am so glad we are not friends anymore.

Bingo !!! Glad I am not in that toxic "friendship" anymore. :-)))

One thing I know for sure - these people feed on our pain by causing it. Depending on our levels of mental health and "healthy self-preservation" - they can get in our heads and do a lot of damage and so easily re-open emotional wounds that were healed. I'm just coming away from one of those experiences. Fortunately for me, it was only a momentary exposure - but the phony seduction and love bombing began immediately and I got this really nauseous feeling - I call it 'Narcissist Nausea' - and immediately got as far away as I could. Thank you for making this video.

Thank you for speaking up about toxic friendships. I had so many and so bad. But when I told to most coaches and therapists, they belittled or subtli shamed me. As if the only true abuse comes from partners and that I should not be that hurt by toxic friends.... It's the same as belittling psychological violence, as if the real one is physical violence..

@ashl8804

2 жыл бұрын

Yes....!

Petra is so on point with this. I was "friends" with a covert narcissistic woman who I met when our sons played Peewee football. My exnarcband was a coach. At the time, I had problems with him, but did not know he was a narcissist. She appeared to be a fun person and told me about her childhood and how her mother left her to be raised by her grandmother. Her mother also never told her who her father was. Well, it got to the point that she felt like she was a member of my family and appeared to be proud of that. She would say that she was like one of my sisters. Not humbled at all and proclaim how "nice" of a person she is. She would always say that people are mean and that she doesn't like most people, but she likes me. fast forward, I lost contact with her and ran into her husband several times in the area where I worked. Eventually, years later after 911, I started attending a church and invited one of my sister to come with me. My sister was impressed and signed up to become a member and so did I. on the first visit. Coincidentally, I ran into this "friend" who also joined the church. After service, we would meet up and when leaving church, she would talk about how an usher did not allow her to go through a particular entrance as if it was personal and constantly denigrate other church members. She told me that she goes to church out of tradition and that many people do that. Although, she was a member, she eventually told me that she believed that Jesus Christ was a teacher and said that I was too smart to believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and born of a virgin. I eventually asked her if she was a Christian and she asked why would I ask her such a question. I told her the basic belief of a Christian is to accept and believe Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior personally. She was very offended. Furthermore, though married, she was cheating on her husband with her son's fathermmmmnnnn. The red flags were there. I went no contact with her after realizing how utterly toxic and negative she actually was. More so, I realized how truly evil (fake nice) this person was. 1 Corinthians 5:11, NIV: "But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people." and 1 Corinthians 5:12, NLT: "It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning." Both my husband and she remarked that I was very judgmental. That was said for me to make me feel that my God given intuition was a bad thing. There is more to this story, but I learned to set boundaries and both these individuals and others are no longer a part of my life out of choice. Life is too short to waste time on people like these. They can and will use up your time and energy and truly do not appreciate or respect others. Ask God for guidance. And follow what He reveals. You can dodge a bullet and years of anguish.

@ashl8804

2 жыл бұрын

@Sandylee I can so relate. They abuse being a 'Christian' to dump all their emotional garbage on us. Didn't know such 'EVIL' existed....!

Thank you Petra for explaining this because I have struggled with this and you have validated me. Also to mention, they never seem to take responsibility when you point out areas of concern even when they have the power to do something.

I’m really struggling with a friend of 10 years that I highly suspect is a narcissist. She’s about to move into my land right next door and I’m so terrified of how this will go… and on the other hand super sad to let her go bc she’s my “ closest “ friend. I have a huge weird feeling in my gut

Petra perfect yes the drama was the constant in my friendship with a narcissist I knew she loves it always gossiping about her loved ones always and I got tired at times being around her she wanted me to pay attention to her and she is a caregiver is crazy she is a caregiver and enjoys this behavior well it’s a narcissistic woman she will be now am thinking now it’s catching up with her she will be feeling the bad affects of what she did ! everything you said Petra so on point.

Thank you, Petra for this timely message! Everything you said is on point. I recently had an experience with an associate who, in the beginning, portrayed the “good listener” and “empathetic,” but as the months went on, I noticed that something was “off” with her. I started to see a pattern where all she wanted to talk about were her issues and problems (while my news got very little acknowledgement). It got to where I started to dread seeing her number pop up on my phone. I have since set boundaries with her, but she still tried to test them. Because of this, I have put significant distance between us, and now we hardly talk.

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Putting distance between the two of you, is the best gift to yourself. Hold yourself higher!

Excellent and very accurate information!

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you

After 40 years… I’m finally kinda done. I quietly just walked away from the last incident… no point using words, they just get thrown back at me. I’m sad about it, but after two months of silence, I don’t miss the drama. (And yeah, the incident before this one… when I explained myself… fairly and calmly… I was told to get help. lol You called that one.)

One of the things that sucked about the friendship with my narc is that we lived in close quarters for 2 years. After about a year i was done pretty much but feared confronting her or even ending the friendship because i had to walk down a narrow stairway past her porch every day just to leave or come back and the heckling i thought i would suffer surely was enough to make me fake the intense friendship until i could finally move out of the building. She was very outspoken and aggressive in nature and an unstable emotional drinker. we would hang out every one or two days or more for hours and i was lonely and living alone and so was she so i thought we were bonding. I learned quickly what not to say or what opinion to not have. Advice on problems was heard until they found a reason to change the subject. its crazy that others have experiences with conversation like that.

Share how you were able to attract your healthy relationship.. This would inspire us..:)

@katierose1893

4 жыл бұрын

I know this is so what I want too!

The problem with this whole “authentic” movement is that the narcissist or toxic person will say that they are just being authentic. I’m so tired of hearing about being authentic. It is becoming an excuse for really bad and hurtful behavior. Make the standard “healthy” and if your authentic self is not healthy, there needs to be intentional focus on growth, healing, and deep inner work.

I love your videos on narcissistic friendships, Petra. These reflections are spot on. I’ve gone through the exact same thing.

the thing happened to me was the same. But its amazing how you took time and made a helpful video about it. You are a blessing. We as humans, sometimes learn and go ahead in this, often forgetting what happened and often taking the horific abuse as 'growth or life lessons'. We owe you a life Petra.

Thank you for posting this. The narcissistic friendship you describe is almost a carbon copy of one that I experienced. Subscribed.

I honestly feel drained and tired. I'm in the process of weaning off my toxic friend. It's like a dark cloud has been removed from in front of my eyes I missed hearing my own thoughts. And it's such a relief I don't see her number on my phone anymore. I'm sick of her and I'm done this is the 2nd time she had hoovered me back. Next thing I know she's already telling me what to do when did let her back in. She talks to as if I'm her life partner. She is broken and I didn't break her. Cant fix her gotta do me and get some therapy for myself now! :) thank you for posting this amazing video!

Wow....I caught many similarities between my toxic friendship and yours (and it's probably somewhat "standard" when it comes to the MO of a narcissist). Great video, Petra! Thank You so much for reaching out and helping with topics some of us need to hear but that arent readily addressed. Each time you described a red flag my hair stood on end because you were describing my personal relationship with a narcissist. Good to see you again ☺

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you Little Britches, applied knowledge is power! Disconnect from them and reconnect with yourself!

Yet. You are right we have to look at our vulnerabilities something we can improve. Missed you glad you're back stronger than ever. Thanks for sharing your strength/wisdom. Much love💖💛💟

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you Jeanette Marie! Yes, uncovering and addressing our own inner wounds are key to the healing process

@pjeanettemariejonesnavarro1898

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, Petra looking, inside is the hardest thing we can do, because the abyss hurts. The spotlight is where our healing begins. Deep, is where the hurts are, esp. From abusive relationships. 💖💕💜💟❣💛

OMG! YOu have just described my mother. Everytime it was about her problems, struggles, etc, loooong speech and then she ask how I was doing and suddenly ended the call or meeting... I have always hated her for that behavior! Arghhh! When I was a child she uses to say to me "Dont bother me with your problems I have enough of mine..." :-( She never listened to me or helped me. Also she said If I have any struggles I deserve them cause it must be my fault there are any in my life. I hate her so much!

@Julienna

4 жыл бұрын

Actualy Ive just realized I dont hate her som much anymore. Im in my healing process for a few days already and I expressed my anger and pain already pretty out loud. Hm, I think it worked. :D I still feel negative emotions towards her but suddenly she look kinda more powerless in my mind. What a discovery! Yay! :D

Exactly. I was afraid for years to say something, eventually it blew up and their reaction showed me I was right all along to be afraid.

With my guilt I made a lot of excuses for their mean behavior towards me and they were never sorry for it. Guilt really consumes me so I need to work on that.

I feel like you are telling me about my life story!!! Great video. Thank you so much.

What an eye-opener. Thanks, Time for me to get off the train.

I had doubts about the "only friend" I made in the last difficult period of my life. She was couworker. Relationship started as we met after work sometimes for baking. I was very excited to get real friend at the first time. I was kind of open about my past and trauma. And I started to feel regrets. We use to go trips in the forest. My intererest is taking photos. I was notice at she make of talking photos as a competitions. To me was okey. And then She was talking and talking...about her life, family, books, traveling, pregnacy, . Every detaill. I didn't feel the chanche to talk free about my life-situation. I after a period I began To feel anxiety, tired to leasing her, dizzy..And empty way back home. I felt shame to tell my husband at may couldn't have any friend. My husband said at Nobody wasn't enough for me. I decide that I don't need to press my self getting friends. I need time to know What I want in a frienship. Is not hurry. Thanks for sharing your experience and knowlege. Hugs from Norway ❤

@ashl8804

2 жыл бұрын

@Johi's Yes, I can relate. Only talk about themselves. Incredibly SELFISH....!

So happy to see you back!!

OMG you’re sooo right & true, thank you for speaking about this, cause honestly I thought I was going mad & it was me & I was the problem for asking for truth, honesty & some reciprocation instead of getting constant silent treatment instead of honest, heart to heart conversation & communication! All drama, stood by her side with all drama about exes, friends, new boyfriends, illness, good, bad, ugly, then she disappeared, no support or understanding for me after I was nearly killed in bad car accident! When I finally spoke up about silent treatment & bad behaviour I was worst person in the world & discarded!

@PetraVanDeijl

4 жыл бұрын

I totally hear you Belinda. You're not mad, you're in the process of healing

I just came across your channel and you're very insightful, like the friend I wished I had. It is June 2020 and so much awful in this world. I am leaving an abusive marriage and really trying to work hard on myself. I am surrounded by narcissistic people. I am now trying to address these issues in my "friendships" and it is just surreal. I am starting to feel like I have never had anyone with ounce of empathy in my life. Obviously rooted in childhood. I have known about narcissism for a lot of years now...cut out another toxic friend years ago. I find I am still giving people second chances and literally stems from this reality of being surrounded by them. I think "surely, they can't be one too".... and they are. Thankfully my trust level is so low, that I don't put a lot of investment in "friendships", these days. I know "abuse" victims are told to go out with/ make friends, following a divorce...but I honestly don't believe I am healthy enough to seek them, either. It's extremely iscolating and depressing. I have enough introspection to realize I appear as the trainwreck, so more negative is attracted to that. It's a catch 22. The last "therapist" out right told me my husband wasnt being abusive to me....she minimized what I have going on because she doesn't know how abuse cycles work.I had to send her a link... my god, what is going on?! I'm convinced "empathy" is the studebaker of human emotions.

Thankyou Petra for making me realise I have just done the right thing by blocking a so called friendship of 20 years.

This video followed the video you posted today. And, boy oh boy, is it right on TIME!!! . . . Thank you for all your insight, Petra.

@PetraVanDeijl

4 жыл бұрын

Love, courage and blessings ❤

You are so wise, Petra, and your light shines very bright! Thank you and Blessings 💛

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for your warm words Jen. God bless you xx

In my situation with my covertly narcissistic mother, I have found the opposite to be true. I have been my biggest advocate. I’ve been upfront clear to her about what I feel she’s doing and that I won’t tolerate it. If left up to the few people I know, if be perpetually re-engaging, while everyone else told me that she’s my mother, to keep the peace, etc. It’s not that I don’t understand why either. Most everyone subscribed to convention, culture, tradition and filial piety. That, whatever a mother does or decides, even after her death, mentally well or ill, you’ll need to accept and embrace. That is beyond the fact that they don’t see any physical bruises. To most people, who know nothing about narcissism, narcissism is simply a spat that will blow over, particularly if YOU eat your pride and apologize for what your parent is doing.

Luvvly woman :) ty for sharing ur personal narc encounters, really helpful u did that!! Xxx

I know way better then I do then before.❤️🙏🏻

I felt that, they had befriended me, to substitute for a therapist, and they had also befriended me because I was the dark girl and they were the fairer ones. And they wanted someone to listen to their bullshit stories.

It is 100% accurate in my case, I am just getting out of a narcissistic friendship right now, it took me 3 years to realize the toxicity, it is an absolute hell right now with the flying monkeys and our common friends taking her side completely and coming at me guns blazing. It is so hard, I am angry and sad and disappointed, it is incredibly difficult, but I started to be there 100% of the time and felt completely drained emotionally and physically, to the point that often I didn't want to come home after work knowing there will be drama and demands at all times. It is certainly a big life lesson.

We down-play the DISTRESS that it causes us.

Excellent video Petra thank you.

@PetraVanDeijl

3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

Thank you Petra ❤🌹❤

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

You're most welcome!

I'm revisiting your videos...I'm amazed at the stock behavior.

Another one trait is guilt tripping, playing the victim. I believe anyone thsy does these 2 things is a narc.

Thank you for this because the so called best friend hasn't really Any close friends and has been through 8 marriages.That says a lot

Great talk.

Thank you so much for your kind words

@PetraVanDeijl

Жыл бұрын

You're most welcome ❤

Thank you very much for this video!

I so needed this :')

@PetraVanDeijl

7 күн бұрын

Love and blessings dear one 💐❤

I was the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother who devalued me since I got sick . On the other hand, my mom favoured my sister making of her the Golden child in the family . I didn't understand what was going on until I educated myself enough to solve this mystery . "My mom said once I have only one daughter who I love" that was in front of all our family . I lost hope that my mom will change I just treat her kindly cuz this is what God said and I have great love for God in my heart. My sister who was the Golden child and the good girl treated me neutral telling me all the time that I should endure our mom bad treatment for me only cuz this is who she is and to obey the Lord. I held my sister as my friend and the only one for me after my mom damaged all my relationships with my relatives .when anyone noticed that there was something wrong , my mom was responding by " she is so sensitive" and then cries . Then all my family looked at me as a source of trouble . I had only my sister and I did never care that she was treated differently, I only cared that I have a friend. Thanks to videos like yours Petra and other angels who enlightened me , I was able to survive and succeed . I went on looking into my future . With this change , my sister treatment changed too. She started telling at me and treating me as guilty for something I dun know! When I asked her "why you do that " she replied "cuz you dun care anymore about me and you set boundaries between us " . Keeping into consideration that I never told her no for anything without even asking anything in return . The real painful day was when she said to me that " I will be sick all my life cuz of our Mom's treatment " . That did kill me and broke my heart. She said that I will never be normal and I can't heal from all that abuse and humiliation. That day I saw the real truth of my sister when the mask fell . I just ignored all the red flags! I feel so lonely but I have great hope and trust in God. The pain that I'm going through is huge but I choose healing and freedom . Thank you so much for your effort and your light that passed to me ❤️

@samanthadutoit1247

4 жыл бұрын

Wow your story broke my heart, I'm so sorry. I'm a Scapegoat too lol. The off cut child. You better off they don't deserve you trust me.

@lulitamu1305

4 жыл бұрын

@@samanthadutoit1247 thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate .

@scarlettclark9764

3 жыл бұрын

I hope you have found peace and that the Lord comforts you. Remember that God Himself says He is a husband to the husbandless and a father to the orphan. He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. I pray that you are at peace my friend. You can be healed from all the past trauma. It wasn't your fault. 🙏💗💗💗

@ServantStatusMinistries

3 жыл бұрын

Scarlett Clark your story sounds so similar to mine. Jesus will heal you just lean on Him. It’s so hard but it makes us better disciples because we love Him more than family which is what God wants. It hurts because you love and want a family but they don’t want that... pray against the spirit behind the evil that is on their hearts. I’m having to remind myself currently to do the same but lean on Jesus and I love you so much if no one else tells you. I don’t have to know you personally to love who God loves dearly.

Yup.when it came to just listening to her. That's how our conversations would go.She would always say she had to take a call from someone else...lool I love waking up...So much clarity now

I am subscribed to you ,but did not get this update, so went across to your channel, glad we could find you again 😄💕

@PetraVanDeijl

5 жыл бұрын

Aaaaw thank you! Just click on the notification button. That way you'll be notified of new video's xx

@raymondgilmour1533

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you 👍😘