It's tough to be a man today. We live in a gneration of weak and self-centered women, even though they claim to be strong and independent. Our grandmother's generation was able to cook, raise kids, keep a household clean, and be supportive and have respect her husband. The only reason why a divorce happened back then is if the man was abusive. Now a woman will get a divorce because she's bored, looking to upgrade her options, or just because her feelings tell her so.

As a husband of 15 years (relationship totaled 19) 3 kids .. wife bailed 4 years ago ( with a co worker ) and used the exact reasons outlined. Our marriage was problem free,sex was good . She blamed me for not understanding her but her ap did. Divorced in 2020. Met current gf , later in 2020, been together 4 years in Jan. Learning to listen , sympathize and not attempt to repair . Will not let 2 nd chance slip away. Ex was completely bitter and extremely vile towards me . Blindsided.. things got worse with her after my new relationship grew into a possible long term commitment when ex realized I was gone for good and being a good man for “ another woman”. Will I ever truly understand.. no .. will I learn from this .. absolutely. To other good men this has happened to.. it’s not your fault , however it is your responsibility to learn and adjust so the next relationship is successful

@IRONMAN79101

6 ай бұрын

Thanks brother for sharing ,

@duanehumphrey2547

5 ай бұрын

80 to 90 percent of all divorces are initiated by women, which in turn destroys nuclear families. Marriage does not work, primarily because women think it's about their feelings.

@4EverEvolving1

3 ай бұрын

Very well said brother.... Going through a divorce (similar amount of time invested in my marriage) and I can say many lessons have been learned here. I have such a better understanding now and will implement this knowledge one day hopefully into a new relationship if I'm ever that lucky.

@user-kl9th4dm2y

2 ай бұрын

The fact that she left you but when she found out you were in a serious long-term relationship suddenly became outraged and jealous just shows that she never did the work to heal. If she was emotionally neutral toward you and even wished you and your new partner happiness, it would show real growth and maturity on her part. She never healed and her current relationship will likely fail because she has all that baggage which will (if not already) infect her current relationship and cause it to collapse. It's a death cycle.

In an outright majority of divorced couples in the USA in 2023: -the woman more-or-less begged the man to marry her. He did (he then proposed). -the man more-or-less begged the woman to keep her vow to him. She refused (she proactively divorced him). Really let that sink in. Despicable.

@tyronebates2215

4 ай бұрын

This is exactly how it went in my case and now my soon to be ex wife has filed for divorce

@kb.3589

4 ай бұрын

Its always the same

@user-kl9th4dm2y

2 ай бұрын

Right. They complain or act impatient about "why hasn't he proposed yet!" And then the man does, and 5 years later she's divorcing him against his will. Alot of strong-willed women out there that want the control or if things are hard or not "perfect" or her ideal image of how her life would turn out, they just cancel the marriage and tell themselves they'll just start over and keep chasing that ideal. There are thousands of women who admit they regret their divorce or after so many years of post-divorce life, they start coming back because they couldn't find a replacement like they thought. I'm not saying men don't need to start waking up and showing up in relationships, but we live in a period of history where people are encouraged to walk away from lifelong commitments with total abandonment and the culture celebrate it as a "power move" because there's nothing more important than individual power in the 21st century.

She’s dying inside because she refused to do the work while married so ran off to focus on her happiness. She surrounded herself with singles who would support her. Then when that one thing happened I realized she checked out years ago and now has a broken family and even more baggage and BS. For years I was open and she was closed. I see it now i got so used to living in fear she would leave I ended up also shutting down.

@t-pain3343

5 ай бұрын

My ex wife 36F ran off with our 22F daycare worker. I’m sure that will last

Men, if your woman has social media that’s the beginning of the end. The death of joy by comparison and jealousy. They see friends post only their best moments and they believe their man isn’t providing or their life is sub par. Then they start to gossip about their relationship behind their man’s back with her toxic friends. It takes one miserable hot mess women in that group(she’s probably divorced)to affirm her feelings and the papers are all but signed. The drop of attraction and then the belief they can do better. That’s it game over. There is no other reason a healthy relationship would tank. Minus infidelity. Her man is depressed cause he knows she blew up one marriage and he’s walking on eggshells in his own house. Prior behaviors is the number one indicator of future action. She divorced one man, you won’t be different. The dating market is full of these single mommies and 40+ 50+ who thought they could do better and want us to pick up their loans. Hold fast boys. Rent don’t buy. David’s Bridal just filed for bankruptcy a few weeks ago it’s a sign of time ladies. It’s called accountability. That’s the metric men are held to. You want equality, you got it. 2030 50% of American women will be single. It’s over. I know I’ll be shamed and they’ll say I’m hurt or triggered. It’s a tactic to silence dissent. My life doing just fine now. The freedom is fantastic and I have to share with no one if I so chose. Date if you want but as long as there are women out here trying to justify their poor decisions by blaming men it will never be safe to let the state enter a man’s life through marriage.

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

It is never safe to let the state enter your personal life no matter what the times look like. NEVER. EVER. DO IT.

@chrisomalley1105

Ай бұрын

That's why it's called " Fakebook" . These women who constantly post " look at me and my happy vacation" look at me and girls night out - loaded down with alcohol and never a husband in site!!

@enjinman

Ай бұрын

Best written reply I ever read 💯

@73ryan

2 күн бұрын

My marriage ended because of facebook, I have no doubt. My wife loved Facebook and her girlfriends more than me. The person who raised 3 kids with her. I was her soulmate until facebook came along.

My wife cheated and left after 25 years of marriage. The term flipped a switch is exactly right. The simple fact is that women's nature is 100% self centred. When a man truly loves his wife she is the centre of his world and there isn't anything he would not do for her or to save the marriage. He will put her first beyond everything else in his life, where as all the woman cares about is her own feelings, what she wants. Deep down when her love for her husband becomes tested to the extreme, she will always bail. Where as a husband who truly loves his wife will never stop loving her no matter what. A man's love is unconditional. Women will never know what it is to love someone unconditionally. They are not capable of doing it. The statement she is dying inside and so lonely is prety hard to see when she is sleeping in another man's bed every night.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

Respect is a central part of love. You claim that men love women unconditionally... and yet from this comment it sounds like you don't even see women as whole human beings, but rather as some lessor creature incapable of feeling the depth of love that you can feel. How can you love someone that you look down upon so strongly? That isn't love. Maybe it's a desire to protect or a committment to care for... but love includes respect and requires you to hold the other person in high regard.

@duaneh1973

3 ай бұрын

I know exactly what you are talking about. Women love with conditions. Also, love means sacrifice, accountability, and respect. It's not about a happy feeling inside.

"She's dying inside" was a catchphrase to drive guys to this video, and this is understandable (no sarcasm). She might be dying inside but not for the same reasons as you guys are. She is dying but she does not care about you, and she never will, she is dying inside because she is struggling to deal with the fact that reality is not like a Hallmark movie. Women are self-centered, and this video proves that!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

You're right in the sense that I pulled that phrase out of the video to help improve the CTR. But it was in no way planned or orchestrated. That is simply what Christina said, about 20 minutes into our conversation, when I asked her how women could leave a marriage and show no emotion about it. It hit me pretty hard when she said it, and it surprised me very much. It wasn't what I expected. I imagined that it might have a similar impact on some of you. I can see that you're angry, and I imagine that you must be angry for a good reason. I'm sorry for whatever it is that you experienced. You're right - each of us, man and woman, has our own internal battles to fight, and just because we are dealing with something painful on the inside doesn't excuse abuse, neglect or cruelty. This is true for both men and women. I hope that you have a good support system in healing the wounds she inflicted on you, and coming back to yourself in a way that feels whole, solid and safe in this messy world.

@emanuelandrade2779

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for your comment. Nice haircut by the way!

@JohnDc

4 ай бұрын

Agreed with you. I tried to do everything for my wife. She was my world, and I thought that I knew I made mistakes, but nothing that justified her leaving. Rosanna, my 3x wife, left me 35 years ago, and I never recovered. This video truly proves the point. Women are programmed to detach easily. They don't care how much they hurt the men who love them. They are the selfish gender. They are ones who almost always the root cause of male suicide. Yes, some exceptions but overall they do not inside. This video is one of the worst from Rachel.

@GoDaveGo

4 ай бұрын

I think this is true. Stated another way, the only woman who will love you is your mother (and some men don’t even get that)-and your mother does so because she views her children as extensions of herself. The cold math behind evolution is that women who take care of themselves survive long enough to raise children. You can’t blame a woman for being exactly what you’d need her to be to protect your children. You also need to look at the possibility that men and women don’t experience the same thing we call “love”. Adult men have never needed women to survive. On the contrary, supporting a woman and children takes substantially more effort. Humans are one of a relatively few mammals that have fathers. That’s because the children need it, and so men that form an attachment to a woman strong enough to stay have children who survive. We call it “love”, and it’s just an attachment that keeps (some/most) men from leaving. For women, they don’t need that attachment-they need the feelings that come from getting stuff (safety, protection, food, etc) or seeing their children get those same things. So “love” for women is more likely a collection of all sorts of emotions, but it’s based on an evolutionary tally of benefits measured by her emotions. It isn’t an attachment as men experience it. Not enough benefits and she starts feeling like her very survival is at stake if she stays. That’s the code we all carry inside of us, and hating each other for being what we are doesn’t make much sense. You might as well hate a squirrel for climbing trees.

i think the divorce laws favor women so much that they are enticed to file instead of working on the relationship.

@KatieLHall-fy1hw

Жыл бұрын

Divorce laws could use a re-write at this point. They were put in place for a very good reason, but society isn’t there anymore and it is a little lazy of our lawmakers to not put in effort to think about fixing them

@urbanart7325

2 ай бұрын

You can't read their mind . My wife avoided conflict and hard conversations. My fault was not making sure she knew what I expected outside and inside the bedrooms

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

1,000%.

Christina, like many women like to focus on how men can better understand women, versus how women can better understand men i.e. me are the problem. The whole tapping, breathing, nature walk stuff, it is all so self absorbed. Women today are conditioned to be selfish, self-centered, self-focused and if they get any internal negative feelings they are conditioned to blame men. 75% of divorces being initiated by women is a horrible statistic for women; Christina never mentioned physical abuse, cheating, it seemed like she was fine with women leaving men for some inner emotional turmoil, lack of communication, etc. Is that a rational and justifiable excuse to end a marriage? When kids are involved, it is this self-help unhappiness / male blaming justifiable? The emotional and economical impact of those involved, is it fair to be that emotionally vulnerable and sensitive to burn down the lives of family members? Women, today, are conditioned to think that their selfish emotional needs trump those of their families. Making a commitment, getting married, where loved ones come from coast to coast to witness and celebrate a marriage; the reason why it is such a big deal is that the commitment is forever; it isn't like you are dating and you fall out of love and you leave. When you commit to getting married, you are promising to be together through good times and bad. Women today, think marriage is about a dress, matching dresses, flowers and a fairy tale. Christina seemed to have such a casual attitude towards the commitment of marriage, and very little expectation for the woman to take ownership and bear some responsiblity and sacrifice to uphold their commitment. Rachel, you seemed to validate her like a typical woman validates a typical woman. The statistic about men killing themselves because of divorce seems to stand up to the absurdity of women's casual attitude towards the commitment of marriage. Suffering in one's mind, one's self-centered, self-absorbed mind is totally different than physical abuse . Blaming men for women's unhappiness needs to come to an end if our society really cares about marriage. 75% of divorces initiated by women deserves real criticism and distain for woman's casual attitude towards commitment and blaming men is ridiculous. The problems that this prevailing attitude of women is causing children and men is profound. We have a generation of very selfish, self-absorbed women and they are not accountable for the damage that their selfishnness is doing.

@outstate9218

Жыл бұрын

Well said...

@DanHoller-eb6xt

Жыл бұрын

you elaborated perfectly what i attempted to describe. i am going to advise my sons, the oldest is now engaged, to avoid this emotional pitfall. i’ve already told him that what i’m going through will happen to him and most likely sooner than the 31 years it took for my marriage. as far as christina, her first husband was mostly likely correct in divorcing her. it seems she needed a simp to give her a sense of control. i thought rachael was more sensible than this. i guess i was wrong. of course, i’m a man!

@plahoda9242

Жыл бұрын

It’s almost like dealing with an unstable dictator from the emotion side. As I stated in my post, miscommunication and internalizing emotions that only the woman know that are there is not the case for divorce. If this is the primary reason to divorce, then woman really need to get to the internal route problem with help from a psychologist before beginning a new relationship, or before blaming the man in their life. This is just projecting what they have internalized inside without actual validation. If woman don’t know what they want, how the hell are men supposed to know. I was actually hoping this video was a little different, something more sinister or deliberate. I wasn’t prepared for the playground emotions that never got resolved.

@4thHermit616

Жыл бұрын

You hit the nail on the head. Too many women do not take the marriage commitment seriously. They don't share their feelings honestly with their husband in time to fix the marriage. They hide their feelings to build up sufficient justification to leave their husband. Just look at how many women regret their divorce many years later after they find out how good they had it, and find out how awful dating is or they have a 2nd or 3rd failed marriage.

@DanHoller-eb6xt

Жыл бұрын

thanks to all for the support & validation. i wish all of the men that is experiencing this trauma well & peace.

Oh please. All that sausages. You made total justification for women to give up on good marriage and nice husband and emotiinaly destroy him in the process. Not to mention kids... Love is choice and nothing to do with mental state, ability to understand and communicate. All marriages have problems, 70% of problems cant be solved and if one dont invest himself to adapt to the problems at the expense of his ego and beeing humble, that person is unable to consciously choose love. That person choose himself and he/she should not get married in the first place. I wasted 15 years on such person. All that emotional abuse i endured over the years. I sticked with her couse i chose to love her just to be served with divorce papers. Now somehow its my fault she cant handle marriage and "we dont think alike"... And its digusting to see that people find excuses for such people... Complete bollocks..

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

SPOT-ON.

Rachael, I started the video thinking that you were doing this video to humanize the ex-wives of the men that follow your channel. This interview went sideways so fast and so deep, that your guest made a perfect case for men to cheat on their spouses and ditch them at the first opportunity, or never get married, ever. I wish I was joking but when you line up that she is stoking memories of perceived offenses for years, pretending to be someone she is not, failing to do the hard work of actually creating HONEST intimacy that helps solidify mutual empathy and understanding, breaking a vow because of ephemeral emotions, and then serving their husband with divorce papers without warning, after her mind has been made up maybe for years, and without any true opportunity to hold a marriage together...and then claiming HER pain is so bad she would gnaw off a limb to get away...what guy on earth would not prepare himself for that by cheating? And then they do it a second time having convinced themselves they were not the reason the first marriage broke up...she used every rationalization except "the patriarchy." I would caption this one "Divorce: How women ruin the lives of their husbands and escape accountability."

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

When I shared this video with my email list I included a warning: WARNING: If you have been badly hurt by your ex wife's actions and are still feeling deep pain or strong anger, please DO NOT WATCH this video. It will be triggering and unhelpful at this stage of your healing. If you're in this position, please focus on yourself and your needs. This is not the time to try to understand her perspective. After seeing some of these comments, I have added it to the video description. You've been put through hell. You've been hurt and abused and treated horribly by your ex wife. You don't need this video. It can only trigger and hurt you more at this stage. Please, for your own sake, stop watching things about her. It doesn't matter what she's thinking, why she's acting the way she did/does. Stop focusing on her, and focus on healing the wounded parts of yourself. They've been through some truly traumatic experiences, and need your love, compassion, kindness and care. Watching this video is not helpful for those wounded parts. Thank you for commenting and helping to remind me to put the warning on this video.

@mw1606

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Yea, I know who I am, and what I am today. I am the cautionary tale. cheers.

@that_tj_brute

5 ай бұрын

⁠@@mw1606100% spot on. I listened to an episode of Christina’s podcast, and she couldn’t last 5 minutes before talking about the “patriarchy” 😂. Complete gaslighting if you ever listen to it

i found that getting in touch with my emotions isn’t going to work in this relationship. because she can’t express her emotions, it’s too late to repair and i truly believe that i can’t fix her needs for a better relationship. a typical male trait is to react in a pro-active fashion but a woman can’t share her emotions with a man until it’s “too late”. it’s disgusting that men are accused of the problems that they aren’t aware of. i feel it’s the duty or obligation of a partner, regardless of gender, to make their partner aware of their thoughts prior to the deep angst and resentment builds. why are women’s emotions withheld from the man that dedicated himself for years to ensure her safety and security only to have his future recklessly destroyed? how can a man ever succeed in marriage when their mate one day wakes up to finally reveal it’s over after she has withheld the issues she claims you’re guilty of after many years? the fact that 70-80% of divorces are filed by the wife would indicate that there is something deeply concerning about how women view relationships.

@plahoda9242

Жыл бұрын

Well said. Take care of yourself.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Dan, thank you for watching and sharing some of your story. I know that in this video we made some pretty sweeping generalizations, however, I would caution you against projecting your partner's behaviors onto the entire gender. Not all women are unable to share their emotions until it is too late. Many women are taking responsibilty for their emotions and intiating these conversations with their spouses. At the same time, many men are not receptive, or brush off problems when they are told about them. I've interviewed about 400 divorced men over the last two years and many of them have told me that they went to couples therapy twice - once years ago when she wanted it but he 'didn't think anything was wrong and just went to make her happy' and again at the end when she was leaving and he was finally able to hear what she had been saying. What one man does is not representative of all men. The same is true for women. There are some patterns, and we all, every single one of us, could be more aware, more empathic, more curious about what is happening inside of the people we care about.

@emanuelandrade2779

Жыл бұрын

"something deeply concerning about how women view relationships"

@emanuelandrade2779

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I have no dogs in this fight, but Don is not necessarily projecting his partner's behavior, he just used the same generalization your guest used on the video to make his point!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@emanuelandrade2779 fair point! In this conversation we did use many sweeping generalizations about women which, in retrospect, definitely invited generalizations in response. It's been fascinating recently - I've been making some videos about what's happening for women and others about what's happening for men, and it is easy to get caught speaking or thinking as though the experience of one man or woman represents all men and women. I can see how so many men end up writing off women entirely, and how many women end up writing off men. I think from my end this is a good reminder to be careful with language and avoid falling prey to generalizations myself. Thanks for the reminder!

Bro this woman comparing herself to a rat in a glue trap? A rat does not look at the trap, understand what it is, and say “yes” and “I do” and purposely step into it

That's a really hard sell to say "she's dying inside". Most women run their husbands and turn them into betas. Hubby is always trying to appease the wife in order to get peace or sex. After a few years she gets bored and pulls the pin on the marriage. Instead of staying friends with the ex she has to make up bullsh*t that he is abusive so she can justify the breakup and lock down full custody. Sure there are some exceptions but they are rare. Its a fight for resources after the break up and the guy is left scratching his head saying to himself " i did everything she wanted". Chicks????

"You hit the nail on the head. Too many women do not take the marriage commitment seriously." Guess I wasn't ready for this video. I've been on a youtube video tear ever since my separation, soon to be divorce. It's interesting how often they explain that dumping responsibility for one's internal happiness and self esteem on a partner is a sign of a toxic relationship; Yet it seems so commonplace in the thinking of women. They aren't pointing to any actual wrongdoing, they are blowing up their families over their own neurotic bullshit. When I was younger, I remember that there were women who would push back, basically say WTF? I don't hear those ladies anymore. For my part, I'm coming around to one of the waves feminism; the one that used to point out that marriage is an obsolete, outdated concept. You can't own a women, why would you even want to? If you are a Man, You're on your Own in this world, whether you are married or not.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I don't want to agree with you... but unfortunately in many ways I do. There is a lot of hypocrisy in much of the personal development work going on for women. Behavior they might consider toxic in men is often considered legitmate or 'meeting my needs' when a woman does it. I am hopeful that there are many people pushing for greater honesty, openness and personal responsibility on both sides of the gender divide. I do disagree that men have to be on their own in the world. There are people out there, both men and women, who are willing to do the hard work of self reflection and self inquiry. I wish you the best during this difficult time. There are good people out there doing the hard work, on all sides.

this is addressed to all the men that had the same experience as i’m going through. research parasitic covert narcissism. my wife checked most of the boxes & now i’m moving on. i don’t intend to ever look back.

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

YUP. Learning their true colors is probably the only way to truly pull out the heart strings and move on in peace.

The way these 2 don’t even see how dispicable all the behavior they are explaining is. Unreal!

I got a divorce a little over 4 years ago. It was a 25 year marriage in which she cheated multiple times before I found out. After being with the same woman for that long I knew that my emotions were all over the place and began to REALLY deep dive into figuring out who I had been, and who I wanted to become. I've spent thousands of hours discovering the responsibilities of men in their relationship, their jobs, in their community, and their lives in general. I've spent about as many hours working on building a resilient and bomb proof self worth, self confidence, and self control. Thankfully, there's a TON of good information out there on building resilience. Through self talk, meditation, manifesting, affirmations, etc. It is extremely important to study women, to understand their physical AND emotional needs, to understand their love language, AND to understand the man's role and responsibility in the relationship. THEN, we must select the right person!!! It's imperative to find an emotionally healthy mate with strong/ healthy values. Compatibility is key!!!! Men, do the work on yourselves. Become indestructible!! Become what you want to attract!! You CAN become so strong that your identity, your happiness, and your emotional health will never be able to be taken from you again!! I am remarried, now. I'm happier than ever. I understand my role as a man. I understand that my wife will ALWAYS need to be courted and dated. I understand her love language. She's 100 times the woman that cheated on me, in every aspect. I make sure that she feels heard and understood. And, I'm so happy with myself now, that if she ever does decide that she wants to leave... I'll be just fine!! 😊 Yes, it is possible!!

the reason she’s dying inside is caused by her own hand

@anthonyharmon9265

5 ай бұрын

So true....but she will blame the man

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

Yup. And a man who loves still struggles with thoughts of how to make her not hurt. But she is gone and she CHOSE this.

I hope any guy who wants to get married listens to this before hand. And just don't do it. This was very tough to listen to realizing how women operate and how they can justify their behaviors. It just doesn't make sense to me

Honestly I DO NOT think this is fair... I know if I knew my ex wife was in pain - Id jump to save her. BECAUSE I loved her more then anything in this world. Thats why I made the vow = Until death do Us Part! Now I have to hear women does what ever they feel makes them happy? MY GOD ! Id never thought this is a excuse to be used to break hearts and justify the pain. I say this again ! I will and would of done everything in my power to see my wife smile and be happy,,, because I loved her. And valued her. And denying the growth of growing parallel to the relationship is EXTREMELY selfish from her to NOT willing to do THE WORK ! now its seen as empowering to become this NEW person for a NEW person after the women filed the divorce in pursuit of her own reclaimed justice for happiness ... Now I as a hurt man has to be _ OKAY , sure go do the work become that person for the real man I wasnt for you. THAT hurts! And evening saying this brings be pain ! I was not the man she wanted... My GOD - What have I done. And after hearing this interview - All i am hearing is my ex wife was a victim of neglect And I as a souless man with no feelings deserved to feel alone. Confused and ashamed to be a MAN. Because men has become the problem and women has all the rites to make men feel they belong in the dirt,, either crawling or dead,,, THANK goodness for the women MEN kill them selves because it is easy to ovoid yet again responsibility for the broken heart. I know I sound bitter,,, I am ,,, and I am hurt and dealing with this shamfull thoughts on my own because I am a man, And All I ever wanted was to be loved as a man, to be allowed to serve my wife as her husband to bring health , happiness and peace to her life that I AM Sharing... HOW would I ever EVER EVER know that I am ever loved by a person that has been programed to have one foot out the door? I didnt want to feel this way... nor live my life out , feeling this way. With the brutal truth that I am a MAN ( A PIG in the eyes of women). Why is it noble that women needs this , hurt and heal to become this beautiful butterfly for a damaged man passed 40 years of age ??? And if a man Has to go through a life time with a burn would that left scares on his soul but is better he has to settle with what is given to him as 2de prize or a prize as you took part in life and here is something for your effort, but you are still a loser.... Congratz

they are the biggest hypocrite’s in hiding the truth until she tells her husband, all the time criticizing him internally and outwardly about his faults…

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

You're right, the action is very hypocritical. At a certain stage in the healing process there is value in trying to understand why someone would behave in such ways. However, now is likely not that time for you. If you've been badly hurt by your ex, then this is not the time to try to understand her position. It is a time to focus on YOU. What you need, your healing, your mental and emotional health, your relationship with yourself.

@767dag

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yeah 100%

Watching this video is sort of crazy to me. These women have such a good understanding of what and why divorce happens. However, even with the tools and knowledge they have, they choose to focus on "self healing", that is not really self-healing at all, but accepting singleness and or moving on. For families especially, but even with putting that aside, for the individual overcoming the obstacles that brings a marriage to this point. The best possible outcome for all involved with any obstacle is to overcome that "obstacles" and bringing it to a point of a non-issue. This thought should always be on the table and never forgotten or pushed into the background.

@johnryan3374

Ай бұрын

If you have children, you owe it to them to try and work things out. Getting upset, not communicating with your husband and running away from the marriage without honestly trying to fix these issues is so harmful to the kids and your husband. It's selfish and leads to misery for the entire family.

My wife completely gave up less than 10 months into our marriage, and filed just over a year after. Her demands are preposterous on both childcare and finances, I don't think she feels any shame or regret whatsoever. The marriage was merely a conduit to get what she wanted.

@anthonyharmon9265

6 ай бұрын

Same here...mine used me for 15 years...she stayed home and homeschooled our sons, I paid for everything. She took my sons away, had me arrested, humiliated in court, accused as an abuser, made homeless and now wants $2200 a month. At some point I will have my lawyer fix that.And she continues to try and destroy me....there is zero care or shame. Pure evil..

@Coachchioma

5 ай бұрын

Mine is the reverse

This woman just waffled on and gave out a lot of disinformation for male consumption to alleviate womens guilt .The truth is once she leaves she is as happy as larry. She speaks in such glowing terms of her second husband .I wonder how long before she gets sick of him and starts to" die inside" According to statistics it has only 25% chance of success. Women are capable of communicating and expressing their feelings when they want to get married but hide their intentions and feelings when they want to leave.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

If you really believe any woman makes the decision to leave a marraige and is simply 'happy as larry' as soon as she does it, then you have a woefully low regard for women as human beings. This is a big issue in many relationships - if you see your partner as less human than you, there is going to be a massive void of respect, compassion and empathy in your relationships and they will likely not succeed.

What confuses me is when a woman wants a man to sit and feel emotions and a man wants to solve a problem and move on why we say the man always has to try and do what the woman wants. My partner tells me she just wants me there when she’s down. To be honest I have no idea what that even means. I don’t think anyone has ever been there when I’m down really. For me to resolve feeling down then I need to kind of gather my thoughts, figure out why I’m feeling down and put a plan in place to move on. I work out how to replace the negative situation with a better one. Where do I start?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

This is a great question. I'll try to help. To start, this isn't a question of doing what the man wants or what the woman wants. It isn't a competition where one person wins and the other loses. It's about understanding what your partner hears and experiences when you talk. Most of us learn pretty early in life to identify with our emotions - it's built into our language. We say things like, "I AM sad" or "I AM angry". This is not actually true... I feel angry, anger isn't the core of who I am. But our language doesn't reflect that, and often it feels like the anger or grief does define me. If I am identifying with my emotions and someone I love tells me not feel sad, or not to be angry, or tries to fix it for me, the message that I may receive is that my emotions are not okay... if I'm identified with the emotion, that means I'm not okay. You don't love me or want me as I am, you're asking me to change to be worthy of your attention, affection or care. Now, obviously, this is NOT the message you are hoping to communicate. In trying to fix the negative feeling for your partner you're loving her - you want her to feel good and you're willing to help! Each of us has to learn to move through painful feelings in our own way and in our own time. You have a method that works for you. You are welcome to share that with her, but she may choose to work with her feelings in a different way. That's okay. She gets to choose that. If she's asking you to be with her when she's down, you can do this: Sit with her. Touch her or ask her if she'd like a hug or to cuddle. She might, and she might now. Tell her, "I see that you're hurting/sad/unhappy right now. That's okay. I still love you/care about you. I'm here if you want to talk, and if you don't, that's okay too." And then just be there. Slow down. Notice what comes up inside of you in response to her suffering. Do you feel pain? Discomfort? Anxiety? Often we try to 'fix' what the other person feels because we don't like how it makes US feel... so practice sitting with your own emotions, allowing them to be there and not trying to fix them. See what happens. The body knows how to move through emotions and rebalance the nervous system. Usually we don't let it - we get busy trying to 'fix' ourselves and end up stifling or bottling in pain, which then comes out in unhealthy ways later on. It's fascinating to watch what happens when we sit in discomfort without trying to fix it... it moves, it changes and eventually it passes, leaving us in a much calmer and more balanced state than we could have achieved trying to 'solve' the emotion on our own.

@bensnooks4830

5 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you

@Bewoulf1223

2 ай бұрын

​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach well said, thank you for your content and helping men heal post-divorce.

I think that men who watch your videos will inevitably be in some form of pain, because we are looking for answers. If women don’t communicate and shut down when things get hard, then what hope was there ever to have success in marriage to begin with? It’s almost like the expectations and responsibilities that come with marriage are too much for most women. If it is ‘too late’ to go to therapy, then the problem is you because you closed him off and quit selfishly rather than be honest about your feelings and needs while still married. If it was all about your needs and your survival then you devalued the greater good of the family. Self-care shouldn't start when you get divorced. It should have been there all along. And all you end up doing is modeling for children that they too can quit when life gets hard. I’m not the most religious person, but I see walking away from marriage when there is work left on the table as sinful. You created trauma for the children and for him. Divorce is an official adverse childhood experience. It is cold and selfish and lacks in accountability. You should be ashamed, or at least feel guilty. Shame and guilt point us to our value system and who we want to be. I’m not an engineer. I’m a social worker who understands human connection, emotions and the need for validation. And what I see in modern women is selfishness and a lack of self-awareness. Many of them think they are more vulnerable and emotionally intelligent then they actually are. If you walk away from your spouse and family because you couldn't manage your own self-care and feelings, then the problem was you all along, and you should feel bad about that. Your ex and your children have to carry the emotional burden that your lack of self-care and boundaries caused for the rest of their lives.

@KatieLHall-fy1hw

Жыл бұрын

Please don’t think closing off is always due to selfishness. It could be constant consideration (maybe the spouse is depressed and needs lots of wind down time) or obedient (maybe they never seem to want to talk, or they are verbally aggressive). There are always many other factors in play, but it is difficult to think that way, it is a lot of work on the brain. Being in social work I am sure you are well aware! People are hard!

I hate to say this but if I am living in reality especially in 2023. Marriage does mean anything anymore. The vows women take can’t mean anything because as soon as things are not perfect they want out. This is not me talking, this is the divorce statistics. I recently got divorced. It is all about the woman’s “self care” forget about the kids feelings. In many of these conversations they talk as if the woman is being held in a dungeon meanwhile the kids are in private school and the house is $500k to $1 million, vacations, eating out and a maid. Their lives are so hard. But I could be wrong 🤷🏾‍♂️

@t-pain3343

5 ай бұрын

They get bored and bounce. Highest divorce rate is lesbians. It’s never enough for them.

@fjschneider

2 ай бұрын

Yup. Enough said.

So woman ruin a man’s and their life because of a miscommunication and internal emotions known only to themselves? This sounds like hysteria. I understand the logic behind this for a woman, but as this being the reason is beyond profane. Men have the ability to forgive and move on, where as woman never forget and hold onto situations back to the start of their relationship, even if they said I forgive you, they never really do. Please understand, I’m not talking about abuse or other illegal situations. Men will do many many things to try and fix the situation if they know what it is, even at a detriment to themselves. Men are able to sacrifice so much for the unit. If a partner became upset, depressed, if you sat with them, they would say “I want to be alone”, if you left them alone, they would be upset that you weren’t there. This again falls under hysterics. So much of this video shows woman are walking contradictions, from a man’s point of view. Do you ever try to work out the problem to get the woman back with their partners, or do you continue to promote the divorce? I would hope that before a woman separates from their men and file for divorce, they have sought some sort of physiological support to try and work through the problem since it’s inside themselves. If they do not work through their emotions, are they not able to fall into this emotional trap again with another partner? and you just said the second marriage is more likely to end in divorce. So again if you have someone who is broke inside from a route cause inside themselves, but you only focus on the divorce, you are not truly helping that person get better for themselves. It’s like using a pillar to hold a beam that’s been damaged, and move that same damaged pillar to hold up another beam. It can’t be done. PS I’m an engineer, and just analyzing this video. Thank you for the insight.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching and taking the time to write a thoughtful comment. I agree with a lot of the things you are saying - when the root of a problem is internal, changing the external circumstances is not going to fix it. There are a couple of other factors I'd invite you to consider. People get caught in cycles in their relationships. We tend to be attracted to relationships that feel similar to our early childhood experiences, because the human brain equates familiarity with safety. Unfortunately in the modern society we live in most children's emotional needs are not met in early childhood. Then, as adults, we find ourselves attracted to relationships where those needs are not met in similar ways. This is one reason why divorce can actually help some people, men and women, to feel better. For some people the intense pain of losing a primary relationship pushes them to try to understand why they were attracted to that relationship in the first place. In the process they may identify the unmet needs and dysfunctional attachment patterns they are carrying from childhood and do the necessary work to heal those wounds. In this case the damaged pillar couldn't be repaired until it was no longer supporting the weight of the beam. If it is removed from that position and enough time and work is done on the pillar it could be quite capable of supporting a beam (different or the same one) in the future. You ask a great question, and honestly the answer for me is that I really don't work much with women anymore. When I do (or have in the past) it is usually much earlier in the relationship when they are trying to figure out how to save it. I've seen women go to pretty remarkable lengths to try to stay in relationships. I've seen them succeed and I've seen them fail. When they succeed it is usually for three reasons, and if they fail it is usually because at least one of these factors isn't present: 1. They gain an understanding of their own relational wounds from childhood and do the work to heal those injuries 2. They gain an understanding of their spouse's wounds and how that impacts his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. 3. Her spouse ALSO does the hard and painful work to understand himself and his wife through this lens. I worry a little for you and for the many men like you who tell me in these comments that women are walking contradictions or 'hysterical'. If you fight for that perspective, women are going to remain confusing, mysterious and inferior in your mind. Without respect and understanding you don't have love, just affection and care.

@plahoda9242

Жыл бұрын

I have the upmost respect for woman. The hysteric comment comes from watching this video and listening to how she is describing woman’s emotions. Woman are more emotional but not misunderstood, at least from my perspective. I am patient and my partner understands who I am and my reactions. I also understand her but even in our communication she will say, I don’t want you to fix this, just listen because it was a tough day… or she will say, I’m stuck what’s your opinion, or how would you fix this. This puts me on notice that I just have to support her, hug her and say ok, or listen and give my thoughts on the situation that maybe she didn’t think of yet. An outsiders point of view. The video is full of contradictions related to woman. Confusing the situation more and blaming the uncontrolled emotions/ outbursts by woman, in my point of view. That is where I said hysteria, contradictions related to woman by her example. If women feel backed into a corner or men feel like they walk on eggshells, they must approach a family councillor psychologist and bring these route causes or relationship problems to light and work through it. From a man’s point of view, once it’s forgiven, it’s over, there is more to do, more to focus on. Men don’t generally dwell on emotions after a make up occurs, it’s generally a closed book at that point and able to move forward freely without this book being reviewed or re opened. Where woman will go back to this book though it’s closed and open it again and again feeling the pain over again. This is the problem that needs to be addressed and “fixed” for women, is being able to let go and keep the book closed. Thank you again for your response.

It’s called Walkaway Wife Syndrome.

@t-pain3343

5 ай бұрын

Happened to me

If this video is upsetting you, watch more of Rachel’s videos she provided tools and most of her videos are very helpful. We don’t have to understand her. We should strive to grow. After 27 years came home from work and she was gone. Of course she is also hurting. She’s no longer my concern, I have to work on myself to move on. No choice but to move on and grow or live a life of depression and anger.

@weston0614

8 ай бұрын

Wish I was as strong as you sound! 🫣Going through it now and it’s painful. Getting easier every day though.

Tell me you cheated on your husband and got dumped by the AP without telling me you cheated on your husband and got dumped by the AP.

@perryhopkins3195

19 күн бұрын

You're on an online dating site.

Men try to fix things because they care. It is an act of love as helping someone in need is. Perhaps if women want someone to just listen it is their responsibility to just say that. And maybe your husband isn't the only person you should have in your life to meet those needs. Instead if divorce, how about finding a friend or therapist to help you feel listened to? Husbands can listen too, but he can't be expected to "complete you" and all that unrealistic nonsense. Instead of keeping score to all the ways their husband's have failed them, women need to be help accountable to helping solve their own problems. It seems like some therapists/coaches/content creators just feed off these kinds of toxic ideas about unrealistic marriages. Marriage is about way more than your feelings. Love is a choice.

@hieug.rection1920

8 ай бұрын

If women would just say “I need help with this… during this timeframe. ” most men would jump to it.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

I'm with you 100%. Unfortunately you're right that a lot of content out there and even therapists encourage women to be dependent on others (namely men) for their emotional well being instead of supporting them in taking ownership of their thoughts and feelings.

I love your videos , my ex filled for the divorce, I didn't cheat on her, I was not violent with her, I was broke, and that's why she filled for our divorce, and even so, she makes me crazy every day, she began a new relation first than me and even so, she is jealous now that I began a new relation. its not fair!

Nobody is stress free in relationships and that’s the reality of life

As a 38 year old, married for 4 years, I filed for divorce last year over a false DV allegation and having my kids essentially abducted. I am not part of the statistic of who initiates first, so I feel a sense of shame about doing that to my own family. We reconciled, but I echo with the idea that my spouse has checked out and is working on herself. I think she is very far ahead of me and probably planned for all of the contingencies. I feel terribly isolated because no longer are we a team planning for the future, we are two seperate people preparing for life afterwards. I know I'm constantly scared of the financial impact, and making sure I create a tracable record (photos / doctors appointment / daycare pickup) of the time I spend with my kids. I love my kids, but as a man, I'll need to prove it. I've asked her to let me go, but she won't. Maybe a question here, is it possible that she will ever turn off that switch?

@Coachchioma

5 ай бұрын

Yupp

Exactly what my ex-wife did.

People that use the word, deconstruct, don't deserve to have a life or be listened to by anyone.

I've learned a lot about women over the past year or so. I tried to get my ex-wife to better understand how this affects men, but she refused to watch anything I recommend to help her understand what I was going through as a man.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Kelly, we can always offer our partners information, but unfortunately we can't make them accept it. It is possible that she didn't feel understood, and wanted you to understand her first... often couples struggle because both partners feel misunderstood, and both want the other person to see and hear them FIRST. If no one fully commits to doing so, resentment builds. However, it may also be that she wasn't in a place where she was ready to do the difficult inner work of examining and taking responsibilty for her thoughts, feelings or actions. The more important question is, are you ready to do that work? Regardless of her actions or choices, there is going to be healing to do within yourself. That relationship, the one between you and your brain (and also the one between you and your emotions) is by far the most important one. When it is healthy, you'll find yourself drawn to different kinds of romantic partners and able to navigate these misunderstandings without anxiety, resentment or anger.

@jbouse64

Жыл бұрын

What's the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. However it can drown.

Absolutely no shame.

Men are asked to get married and make the life long commitment, women then get bored and leave with the reality of what they wanted. Regardless of if a married couple have issues they should work through them for life, divorce shouldn't be an option but i've seen the reality. I feel like im done with women all together.

@carlmarch9591

14 күн бұрын

💯💯💯💯

If she feels awful! Then why the hell did she do it🤷🏿‍♂️. Oh to please her girlfriends! To show them how she doesn't need him . That's sickness! 👎🏿 Especially if he tells her ,I don't think this is the answer to our problems! I don't want this! She does it anyway!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

I think it's usually a lot more complicated than this. Both men and women tend to come into relationships with preconcieved notions about the roles they are supposed to play. If there is conflict, a lack of safety or emotional disconnection in the relationship those roles can easily become heavy burdens for either party, and that often leads to divorce. The tragic part is that the role you or she played was likely not what the other one really wanted or needed from you, but rather just the deeply ingrained societal story about who you are supposed to be as a husband or wife.

I've watched a lot of interviews on this topic. This interview by far gives so much insightful and helpful tips as to the so needed communication between a couple. Thank you both so very much for doing this interview. I believe most men and women should watch this interview. The dialogue here has been more than helpful after watching hours upon hours of many other interviews in the area of "where did we go wrong". In this interview the two of you did shed so much light on to what the communication issues are and the two separate viewpoints of before & after divorce from both sides (men and women). Thank you so much! It really helped me understand where I went wrong and how I need to be in the "feeling/understand" of her pain and the safety that by doing just that would bring to her. I'm so lucky to have found this interview. Thank you both again for all of your dedication and time in the work that you are doing. It is making a difference. 🙏

This happened with our relationship,for 15 years I would always ask if everything was ok or she felt something was wrong... Even though I wanted her opinion and choices to be put forward she thought that letting me choose everything and not expressing herself would make me happier so I wouldn't leave. It's just so backwards thinking, specially when your husband listens to you and ask you to express your wishes. Honestly I see it as breaking lives because of a few simple words not being said.

31:39 how can you do the work if you dont kniw why she wanted to leave? 1.Love you but not in love with you 2. Want my own house 3. Want to feel young again 4. Want to be free 5. Want my own money. Re no.4 i was not controlling. I do admit i had my faults but how do you work out what they are?

I figured all the anger, hate and cruelty that she switches into after she files is her way of justifying her decision and white knuckling through the process. If she lets up or softens toward her husband, she might start to regress and reconsider her decision. So, the more she can embrace this narrative of "he's the villain, I'm the victim" or he's the main problem in my life and If I don't rip the Band-Aid, I'll never be happy...etc. This does not suggest her husband wasn't unloving or even hurtful to her, but when we're hurt and making huge existential decisions, people will often exaggerate or having a strong negativity bias in order to feel justified and avoid any shame or guilt that may manifest. The same principle applies if she monkey-branches or rebounds for displacement (artificially feel the void). Again, there may be a genuine sentiment to be desired or validated, but emotionally, this is only another avoidant tactic to help distract them from the pain of their past and the fear of the future.

It's like a light switch, it's traumatizing. Literally after the words are said she goes 180

You have to be in the right mindset for this video, per her warning. This is interesting though, because it describes a lot of what I feel in day-to-day life. My mother in law said once my husband and I are almost switched, where I am more masculine and my husband is more feminine sometimes. So what does that mean? That I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife? That I am too selfish? That my husband is too selfish? That we communicate badly? It is across the board. At the end of the day divorce hurts everyone. And I think it hurts a lot. Just women and men are on different timelines for the overall experience and that makes it even harder

@russellheyns1846

10 ай бұрын

I can say from my own experience that I was more selfish early on in our relationship. My wife was more codependent. We met at 17. Married at 25. She asked for a divorce at 44. I did not treat her nearly good enough in the early years. I had anger issues, and I broke up with her 4 times, last one at 27. She took me back. We had kids at 31. Had our 2nd child and bought our dream house at 34. Then things started to change. She found herself. Rose through the ranks of her corporate job. Started making a lot more money than me. I thought we were happy til she started to pull away. Lost interest in intimacy. Started saying I was emotionally abusive. Said I used to treat her better when we were younger. I kept asking her for dates or weekend getaways but she kept spending more time at work. She lost 35 lbs in about 9 months and then said she wanted off the rollercoaster. She reminds me more of myself when we were younger. Think she was just afraid to tell me that she lost attraction to me. I feel like I became the codependent. I lost my identity to be a family man. I thought that is what she wanted.

"backed into a corner" = not living in Disney

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, 'never take your eyes off her, but never look to close'.😊

May want a woman when I want a woman, but better than that was having a wife. However, being the wiser man I have become, repeating anything close to a marriage episode is something I don't desire, or feel to be a smart path. A redo may work for some folk; I'm comfortable alone.

There is no excuse for a cheater stop.

I feel differently from my experience. I don't think my ex feels any kind of shame or pain over this.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

It's possible. We spoke in big generalizations in this video, and many individual men and women are going to have different experiences. How are you doing now? Have you been able to move forward yourself?

@brianoswald6970

Жыл бұрын

Yes my wife came to me 2 weeks ago wanting divorce. My failed marriage #2 😢 The 70 % is crazy. Women change their mind more than men wanting to go back during divorce proceedings?She didn't wanna put in the work on the relationship. 🤷‍♂️

Mine gave up after 11 years together and a week before our 10 year marriage. I felt the distance but i was still blind sited.. no cheating I’m aware of But that she just just gave up and fell out of love.. the worst pain iv ever gone through in my entire life. If I didn’t have kids I don’t know what would happen.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have a good support system? The human nervous system does co-regulate, so having trusted people by your side can make a huge difference for dealing with the pain. I also made a free masterclass that gives more tools than I can share in these shorter videos. If you want to check it out, I think it may help. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register

I’m scared to get married. I’ve seen what happens to man after divorce. Family members and friends.

This video has been a source of comfort for me as I navigate the end of my 21-year marriage with my high school sweetheart. It's incredible how communication plays a crucial role in why women may feel trapped in a marriage. While it may be difficult to understand their emotions, it's important to try and be present for them. This experience has taught me how essential it is to acknowledge and feel our emotions, something that is often overlooked in our society. Despite the pain of divorce, I am hopeful that by learning from this experience, we can all grow and become better versions of ourselves.

This is exactly the justification for women to never be happy. This woman will quit on her next marriage as well. Just give it some time and she will find a reason. She is promoting women to not talk about their issues with their spouse and leave them to find another spouse. The cycle will just repeat itself and she is crazy enough to think it will b eedifferent.

It is all true but what if they do this when there are kids. It is not fair

@hieug.rection1920

8 ай бұрын

It’s downright evil.

Why can’t the couple find solutions to help her feel less trapped and less alone and rebuild the marriage on a foundation that will enrich their lives and love instead of destroying it and the family? Men go through the same things and suffer in silence and yet if we did what women do and that’s check out and quit we are vilified.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

A lot of couples do exactly that. And you're right - men who check out and quit are vilified. Women who check out and quit are vilified too (just read some of the comments on my youtube videos! You'll learn that women are dishonest, monsters, incapable of love and all kinds of other forms of evil). The reality is that we are all human and we have to learn to relate to one another's humanity with respect, compassion and humility. Fortunately a lot of couples do manage to do this, and sadly many others don't start doing the inner work required to get there until after the divorce.

I found so many of the comments on this video more informative and telling than the video itself. Thanks to all who shared thier stories in here to help other fellow men.

The first 7:49 min. Is exactly what has happened to me recently. Thank you for discussing this as I was told by him that I’ve changed so much and obviously want this marriage to end. And it is due to the fact that I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for 4+ years- really more like 10… And something snapped in my this past Christmas and it has catapulted my decision that I cannot live this way.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

I'm really sorry you've been living with that. I'm glad that Christina's story resonated and validated some of your experience. She is awesome, if you're looking for more support I would encourage you to contact her. Jentrey Rey is another coach who supports women in situations like yours, and she is fabulous. She runs a free facebook group here facebook.com/groups/1727330734440021 I hope you have some good support systems in place. If you don't please try reaching out to Christina or Jentrey, they are both really good and having a good support system makes a huge difference.

If someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, let them go. Doesn't matter why. Women also on average don't lose their children that is a big reason men stay in relationships they don't want to be in, but that always rares it's head somewhere in the relationship.

Thank you so much for this video. A lot of what I have experienced was touched on and explained in this. The hope I felt for my future was really impacted. I can't wait to grow more as a man and a partner in my next relationship.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for watching and sharing. What is next for you in your personal growth and healing?

@ankousoul8469

Жыл бұрын

@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach I'm having a very difficult time letting go. I have finally made my decision to pursue a divorce, but i feel that i was betrayed. My next step is to find a way to get over the hurt from the infidelity and stop being angry.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@ankousoul8469 I understand. That feeling of betrayal and the hurt suffered is hard to let go of. In my experience most of us actually need our anger for awhile, until we are able to heal those inner wounds and really build up our self confidence and sense of self worth again. When my clients are feeling a lot of anger I focus on helping them connect more deeply with themselves, let go of self judgement and self punishment, and then we work on the betrayal itself. If you'd like more direct support with that, I would love to help. You'll find the details about my programs and how to work with me here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce You're also welcome to reach out to me directly with any questions: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com

It's hard to relate. As an emotionally sensitive man that was married to an analytical woman, my story relates more to the female role. I feel like there is not a lot of advice for non typical men who felt emotionally isolated.

It doesn't have to be lonely for her. Maybe work on getting the two back together. I did nothing to push her away. She just became cold and did her own thing and wouldn't communicate with me.

@DanHoller-eb6xt

Жыл бұрын

same here.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Kelly, I agree. It doesn't have to be lonely for her. In some marriages the husband is detached emotionally and not able to be present with her, but often that isn't the case at all. Unfortunately the saying, 'hurt people hurt people' is very true. Her loneliness may be due to pain she experienced before she met you, which left her unable to express herself or open up emotionally. Relational trauma is sadly a fact of life for many people as children. How are you doing now? Do you have some good support in your life to help you move forward?

@kellymilton943

Жыл бұрын

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach There were traumas in her life, and she told me those traumas after we were dating for a while. One trauma was a rape at age 13 by three male friends. She was adopted as a baby. She was emancipated at age 15. Worked as a stripper for a short time. I accepted these things and loved her anyway. I think these things came back when I did on my garage floor, was revived and recovered. After a year of recovery, she dropped the "bombshell" on me. She said she felt like a roommate and was empty inside. Gradually, over time, she had a laundry list of my deficiencies over the 23 years we were together etc......

Two different languages? Wow... What? Just more DARVO! The woman certainly spoke the same language to get married and have a family!! And how many millions of " little things" are men trained/ forced and raised to just accept because he's the rock, and to keep her " happy".

Why did she leave out how many of these women were in this black hole and made this decision while still in the marriage already had somebody lined up or were already fooling with someone else (talking Fantasizing Not always fkn but more than likely. Can you give us a percentage based off your expertise?

2 vintage music videos show the origin of the social engineering induced 40 years ago that bring us to where we are today. Bruce Springsteens "Tunnel of Love" and the The Tubes "Shes a Beauty" illustrate their future plans for relationships all too well. In Springsteen's video he escaped and was "thumbs upped" by the men still stuck on the merry go round that didnt. In the Tubes video he didnt escape and was prematurely aged into a wore out extracted broken down old man.

My wife cheated and dumped me that's been 35 years she wants to talk to me now I'm not going back she was controlling narcissist

@hieug.rection1920

8 ай бұрын

The 9th circle of hell is reserved for such monsters. Don’t associate with villains.

Great conversation. I noticed a lot of people in the comments are going a bit all in on ‘woman bad’. While I agree that divorce laws disproportionately favour women in some pretty unfair and financially destroying ways, I think the greater point of this video is being missed. I have realised that as men we have NO IDEA how emotionally vulnerable women feel. All the things that we want from a relationship: companionship, attraction/sexuality, teamwork, love, intimacy, etc., are all based on a foundation of trust. For men, I think trust is more of an abstract map ‘I understand who she is and can therefore predict and trust her to behave in coherent ways in the future (according to this map)’. This is just as subjective as her emotional state(s), but we justify it as being more real as we can put it into more concrete words, therefore believing that we are canonically correct. For women it’s far more of a felt emotional and somatic experience of being safe. ‘I trust that my partner will deeply listen and validate my emotional experience’. Not listening in order to fix, but listening to listen, understand, and feel with her. I imagine that there are multiple explanations for this, one being that from an evolutionary POV women at their most vulnerable have to take care of an infant child and absolutely require that their partners understand and provide for their emotional and physical needs during this time. It’s not just a brief foray into narcissistic self-indulgence, it’s a life or death psychological need. It’s not about fixing anything. It’s about it communicating to her that you actually care about her experience. Not by telling her logically, but by going through the actual process with her. This doesn’t mean that you have to collapse into her subjective experience and agree with her, but more that you are aware of it and are able to engage at that level. Furthermore, a man often cannot do this when he doesn’t have a good relationship with his own emotions. Therefore he (subconsciously) communicates to her that he is unreliable as he might go off on some emotional spike and be uniquipped to handle it. An example of this is the tendency of some men to go towards suicide when they can’t cope with the intensity of their feelings, because they haven’t done the foundational work on smaller scale emotional events and trauma. Consider that however lost and hopeless you feel in those moments is likely similar to how she felt when she couldn’t depend on you emotionally. So yeah, I get the desire to take one instance of something bad and apparently unfair and then generalise it out to the entire female population (or male when it’s women doing a similar blame game towards men). But maybe use that engineer brain to think through the underlying logic and processes at play instead of being a perpetual victim (yes some period of feeling victimised is fine and probably pretty healthy as it provides an access node into pain and grief which begins the genuine healing process). Just my thoughts on the matter having gone through this kind of breakup and dedicating a fair bit of time trying to figure it all out. Ultimatey it's up to both parties to figure out how to communicate (including women learning to state thier needs in men's language as well), it's just a shame that we currently don't seem to have a full grasp of what this means. Apologies for any typos, doing some rapid commenting while commuting but wanted to write it out while it was on my mind.

While she's healing she's getting paid...

Why don't any of these Utube Channels talk about the grey divorce when the older person gets divorced left pennyless and don't recover financially and has no support system?

Mine was an avoidant

This is helpful to me.

Can someone remarry if these changes are applied? I believe my wife or ex is my soul mate.

Being emotional occasionally is totally normal and natural, but if a woman’s emotions take over 90% of their lives to the point that they are incapable of rational communication or to make rational decisions, and then expect the man to put up with this and make all their decisions for them and then complain about them and blame him, that’s not ok.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 ай бұрын

I'm not sure if that's what you're hearing in this interview, or if that's been your personal experience? I agree, what you're describing is not okay. However, I haven't seen many instances where what you're describing is what is actually happening, except in cases where there is mental illness. I think often women's emotions seem more intense than they are to men, because men tend to spend most of their lives suppressing their own emotions, and believe that this is normal and healthy, when it actually creates a lot of physical illness and is the #1 culprit behind the high suicide rates for divorced men in particular.

@cosmodoc

2 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach it is my personal experience to the point that rational discussions and problem-solving were largely impossible. Mental health issues were less likely to blame (I’m a medical doctor), but rather immaturity and cultural issues.

This was me, but as the good husband. And she couldn't understand how all of a sudden I couldn't do it anymore.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

I'm sorry you had to go through it. How are you doing now? Do you have a good support system behind you?

@bluevelvetkormus

2 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I do have a good support system. Just trying to keep things amicable as we navigate the divorce with a kiddo in the mix

Most women are so lost now, so removed from reality thanks to Social networking, Grass is Greener Syndrome👍

Thanks so much 😅

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for watching!

Thats why I will NEVER marry. If it costs you your peace, its too expensive.

Christina doesn't seem like she has good advise and not a vary good councilor .

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry that you didn't find this video helpful. Thank you for watching and giving it a try. I hope that you find the right support for yourself as you go through the things you're going through.

@jameslarson8398

Жыл бұрын

Rachael you are an amazing therapist you truly do help. Christina seems like she pushes for divorce and is all about her happiness over everyone else's. Basically the husband and kids can suffer in a broken home as long as she's happy and that's all that matters. Rather than getting to what the problem really is and fixing it . Chances are it's a communication thing that both people loose track over and it's totally fixable in most cases

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@jameslarson8398 Thank you for your support, James. I agree, most problems in most relationships are totally fixable, IF both partners are ready and willing to do the hard work of really looking honestly at themselves, their histories and their negative patterns at the same time. I think that is often where the problems arise - one partner is ready to do that, and the other isn't. Sometimes one person isn't ready or doesn't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable, and other times one partner is pushing for therapy and the other doesn't really believe there is a problem. Unfortunately the latter often happens with a woman pushing for therapy years before the divorce, and the man thinking it didn't really matter until later on. Other times it's the reverse, with the man looking for a deeper connection and balanced solutions and the woman turning a blind eye. Unfortunately a lot of 'relationship advice' encourages this by encouraging us to cut 'toxic' people out of our lives. I think our social conditioning has a lot to do with the miscommunications betwee men and women, and I do hope that we can start to bridge those gaps in a way that keeps more relationships together. Thank you again for watching and engaging in this conversation. I think it is a very important one.

@jameslarson8398

Жыл бұрын

@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach I have a question hopefully you can answer. I have snap chat and she follows me and watchs all of my snap story's should I delete her so she has a chance to grieve or continue to let her watch what im up to. I really want to fix our family we have kids. Thank you for all you're helpful videos

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@jameslarson8398 I'm afraid without knowing more about you and your circumstances I really can't give you very good advice on something this specific. It depends a lot on your relationship, the dynamics between you and her, your goals, the stage of separation you're in, what led to it, etc. Are you familiar with Steve Horsmon and Good Guys to Great Men? He has a program called "Diffuse the Divorce Bomb" that you might find informative. He's an excellent coach and one of the people I respect the most when it comes to saving a relationship that's on the rocks: goodguys2greatmen.com/ One other thought to sit with a little: why do you want to be with her? You mentioned wanting to fix the family because you have kids... if you didn't have kids together would you want a relationship with her? I pose the question because I sometimes see men fighting for a relationship because they believe staying together is best for the kids. In some of these cases (not all), the wife believes that the children are better off with two happy, whole, emotionally available parents who are divorced as opposed to living with two parents who are disconnected from each other, often fighting or who get caught in other unhealthy cycles together. Depending on your situation, those two different perspectives *could* be a source of misunderstanding or disconnect for you and her.

32:41 when she starts talking about string theory... ooooo I could see her despairing for her engineer brained clientele.

I wish I watched this video while I was still married.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

How are you doing now? It sounds like you've been through a lot.

@HKashaf

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach feeling meh, definitely a lot of self sabotage going with everything, started smoking and drinking after 4 years of quitting. Can't manage work at all, 6 months into it. Gym and Working out helps. People have it a lot tougher, I have no kids and I am initiating the divorce. So I shouldn't be complaining at all. so sometimes I confused between what is grieving vs when you are being just drama. Again can't identify feelings at all. Feeling all therapied out. Most therapists wouldn't shut up about feelings, if your default mode is to shove feelings, you can't just discover and identity with your feelings because you have realized its important. I like your approach, I will be joining your program soon. At this point, if there are solutions then why not.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@HKashaf I very much look forward to working with you. You're right that if your default mode is to suppress emotions you can't just suddenly find them. There are some exercises that can help you get into your physical body in ways that can help you connect to them, but sometimes it is more helpful to explore the reasons why you are suppressing them in the first place. If we can identify the reason you've needed that (perhaps it was protective or even necessary at some points in your life) then we can help your brain recognize that you're safe enough to start feeling (if, in fact, you really are safe enough to do so). There are solutions, and you're not being dramatic. Self sabotage always happens for a reason - the brain is using it to distract, buffer or numb what would otherwise be overwhelming for it. It's a survival strategy, not a weakness or dramatic overreaction. But there are better strategies, and ways to make the underlying stuff less disturbing to the brain. I look forward to seeing you in Better Beyond Divorce. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about getting started: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com

Some of what you two spoke about, women working and being a mom, contradicts data Jordan Peterson states. I wonder if your data is opinion and anecdotal Vs. The facts that he showcases. Additionally, does your guest have any training. To me, her answers to questions either seems off base or superficial.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment. Which data are you referring to from Jordan Peterson?

Healing from divorce? Why did she divorce?

8:20 so much deception!!!!

This lady is the best wow

Very much so ashamed and like a failure 😢

Well, I’m the woman and the man did this…

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry to hear that. Despite the many stereotypes around divorce, things do happen both ways, all the time! How are you doing? Did you find the right support to move forward and heal?

No she is not!

I am sick of woman defending their selfishness. We know you are born selfish so do something about it. Selfishness is a learnt behaviour. However, I am starting to believe that having more than one wife (or husband) is the solution. Both men and women cannot play all the roles at once. Maybe that is why the men in the Bible have more than one wife.

This is a minefield. I’m sorry.

It makes no logical sense to suffer from an emotion when the cause of that emotion/suffering can be discovered and eliminated, often easily. What about refusing to eliminate the cause and therefore the emotion makes any sense? If the answer is that what you fixed isn't the real problem then the REAL problem is dishonesty about the cause of the emotion. Women hide and lie more about themselves than men do and that pattern of deception is how they paint themselves into a corner like a divorce. It's not smart, it's not mature and it certainly isn't honest but women do it because they are so accustomed to and therefore feel entitled to no consequences for their daily dishonesty.

If you access different content creators like Laura Danger (@thatdarnchat), Jimmy Knowles (@Jimmy on Relationships), Matthew Fray and the like, a common pattern is that women are bearing the mental load in relationships - child rearing, housework, etc. - and feel stressed and burnt out - a lot of men are not being equal participants in the partnership. Women may try to communicate their needs, but a lot of men see that as "nagging". Over time, this causes women to lose respect for their partners and they want out of the relationship.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Lynda, thanks for sharing this perspective. I agree, that is often the way many women experience their relationships. Unfortunately I think the misunderstandings often go both ways, with women not understanding the pressures men experience, and neither party communicating in calm, curious, compassionate ways. In my own marriage its been fascinating for me to observe how many of the mental load pressures I have experienced have been of my own creation, me putting pressure on myself to be everything, do everything, take care of everything and everyone. I used to place a lot of blame on my husband until I realized that he wasn't the one putting that pressure on me, I was doing it to myself. In fact, a lot of that internal pressure came from me internalizing very 'pro feminist' messages that often claim that women are capable of doing and being any and everything. I hope we can keep these conversations going and inspire self reflection and curiosity in both men and women, so that more people can communicate effectively in relationships.

@lyndalarose9200

Жыл бұрын

​@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach what are the pressures that men experience?

@t-pain3343

5 ай бұрын

Lesbians have the highest divorce rate.

@t-pain3343

5 ай бұрын

@@lyndalarose9200they both have pressures. It’s life. The answer is t to divorce because of the dishes only to marry again and run into the same crap. Yes, new spouse does dishes, but became a workaholic. Now what? Divorce again.

@lyndalarose9200

3 ай бұрын

​@Lkingfwdnevabkwds this is no laughing matter. Women are burnt out and tired and feel like their partners don't care or support them.

What a giant load of shite

According to a 2013 study conducted by researchers at London’s Kingston University, “the majority of women were significantly happier than they’d ever been after divorce.”

@plahoda9242

Жыл бұрын

Great study, but didn’t they the interview those woman 10, 15 years later? Not saying you should be with someone only to have someone in your life. I have watched woman become depressed or lean on their adult children for support in their later years, if they were divorced or widowed. Now they have no one. I’m sure the loneliness kick in somewhere along the way. Life is always better with a partner and love in your life.

@BK-lb8uh

Жыл бұрын

@@plahoda9242 The study surveyed 10,000 people ages 16 - 60 and questioned them regularly over two decades. Women are much happier than men. American Sociological Association study stated nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women. University of Chicago study stated when a wife makes more than her husband, marriages struggle, 50% more likely to end in divorce. According to Pew Research Center, only 3.8% of wives earned more than their husbands back in 1960. 2020 female breadwinners jumped to 21%. Men not in tune with their wives or girlfriend have nothing to do with a women switching off and filing for divorce. According to Pew Research, women are getting more educated than men. That has been in the making for decades. Emotions are often caused by our thoughts. A man and a woman could be in the same situation but they might feel different emotions because they have different thoughts. They how do you reconcile that if she already checked out?

@mw1606

Жыл бұрын

Of course they are. They took everything he had to live for.

Men need to get it through their heads that they have to learn to be vulnerable with their wives and learn to open up and communicate, talk and listen to each other. I can’t stress how important that is to any relationship. ESPECIALLY in marriage…..Men often have more outlets to distract them from their day to day, where women can be burdened , or tied down to roles that are continuously overwhelming. Being a homemaker, wife , mother, overall care taker. This doesn’t allow a woman any freedom to decompress and reconnect to the woman she was, is, and longs to be. Who is there for her emotionally? Women read books, articles, watch videos to constantly seek help and learn about themselves, relationships, marriage, parenting and men do not. Men fail in paying attention to their wives and even their children. The world has done an injustice to men by teaching them to be too strong and deny or HIDE their feelings, emotions, etc. This bolsters them to be poor communicators , which actually works against having a successful relationship with a woman. You HAVE TO LEARN TO TALK, OPEN UP, BE VULNERABLE, LISTEN AND PAY ATTENTION AND BE AFFECTIONATE. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO RECOGNIZE YOUR PARTNER AND THEIR NEEDS. You cannot look at your wives, partners or children as an extension of your work or as a responsibility. You have to see them a human beings, as the LIVING SOULS THEY TRULY ARE. This applies to both men and women in order to be successful in a relationship. You must communicate thoroughly. You must pay attention to each other. Women shut down when they have exhausted all attempts to be heard and seen. They pull away from you. Men are also subject to a lot of male massageny in the work place , or envy and competitiveness of other men. This can poison their thoughts against their wives , family or relationships, or , self image and expectations. Men also can become so consumed by their jobs , or careers ,or their own interests that they fail to balance their time and attention with their wives and children. Men need to learn to pay attention. Being a provider is not all there is to being a husband, father and partner. Work is responsible but not in the same category as love, time, attention and affection. You have to have deep intimacy and intimacy is different than sex. It’s not the same thing. It’s connection, affection, understanding, communication, vulnerability, togetherness at the soul level. It’s your soul. The soul of your relationship. It s the sharing of yourself from within. No one should know you better than yourself and your wife and vs versa.

I do not feel ashamed of filing for divorce. I am not dying, complete drivel. Yes, both my husband and I know that I will be fine, HE will have a lot of adjusting to do. We came to the conclusion of divorce together. Honestly, it's a relief, we are friends and a team raising our children (19 & 16) and love each other, but no longer "in love" with each other.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

That's awesome, Katherine. I know many couples are able to make the choice to divorce together, but unfortunately a lot of others go through a lot of pain, blame and judgment in order to separate. It is refreshing to hear about a couple that was able to communicate honestly and effectively and come to an amicable split. Thank you for sharing and for watching!

@hieug.rection1920

8 ай бұрын

I fucking hate that phrase. “We love each other but are not in love”. No. Your ex husband agreed to an amicable divorce because he knows you have Tom he potential to absolutely destroy the efforts of the years devoted to your marriage. He knows that anything except amicable separation will also damage the children, no matter how old they are. He is your hostage and goes with the flow until he can escape you clutches. He likely still loves you, or else he would not bother to give you the time of day after your betrayal.

@katherinenelson5905

8 ай бұрын

@@hieug.rection1920 Get over yourself and YOUR anger. My feelings for my ex-husband are MINE, and his feelings for me are HIS, not up for YOUR fucking approval. We are completely able to be great friends who love each other but not romantically "in love" anymore. He is not my hostage, how ridiculous, staying in a marriage with no romantic love IS holding someone hostage. Yes, we did decide to have an amicable (friendly) divorce to minimize the damages done to our children AND ourselves. Yes, my kids are hurt but not as much as if we became raving lunatics, or one of us had an affair while still married. Neither of us are dating but we wanted the possibility of finding a romantic partner in the future. As an FYI - HE asked for a divorce. Also, who the heck is Tom?

Why you working to help women understand men??

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

7 ай бұрын

Do you not think that women should understand men? And vice versa? I think we'd have a lot less divorce if we worked harder to really understand one another on a deeper level. Plus we'd have healthier politics and a lot less murder, war and school shootings.

Men. Let's band together! By rejecting women and having sex with each other that'll show them that they can't just pick up and leave us and divorce us over something stupid! Who's with me fellas??

@skippy1012

Жыл бұрын

Na bro. Pussy is life. Pussy is gods greatest gift to man.

@hieug.rection1920

8 ай бұрын

Keep your hedonism to yourself. There’s too much of that going around as it is.