Doug's humble pride in just dunking on everyone's puns is such a treat

What did the Italian say to the man who tried to steal his red nosed reindeer? Hey. That's Maya Rudolph

@birdogio

5 жыл бұрын

This one deserves more thumbs

I was watching 'Us' at the theater with my wife and my father-in-law, who is a doctor. A fellow moviegoer started having a heart attack during a scene and their friend was yelling, "is anyone here a cardiac surgeon, this good man is having a dang heart attack!!" My father-in-law stood up, wearing his doctor coat and said, 'me me, I'm a feel heart man".

@rickpaton7538

5 жыл бұрын

Bonus points for the additional Tim and Eric tie in on this one. Well done!

@brandonlawrence2443

5 жыл бұрын

@@rickpaton7538 That's the kind of compliment that makes Somemen Rich as a goddamn billionaire.

My doctor fancies himself an artist. During my last visit he was sketching the human anatomy. Today I came in for a checkup to find him tracing more organs.

@FlyingOverTr0ut

3 жыл бұрын

Amazing.

@danielcropp8553

Жыл бұрын

Nice!

My buddy slipped on his own sweat at the place he works out. It's the gym he fell on.

@FlyingOverTr0ut

3 жыл бұрын

Love it!

My buddy Dave had his kid come work with me on a gardening job. I didn't know his name, so I asked him "could you lay some peat David's son?"

@babylonian

5 жыл бұрын

best one

My friend told me he gives all his daughters guns to protect the family. “What about your boys?” I asked. He said they’re too young. I said, “Fred, arm a son.”

Ive been murdering too many people lately, all my buddies say that i should really go lower in my kills.

@rudeboyjim2684

5 жыл бұрын

haha, pretty good

i caught a sand-fish on my way here today. and you know what i used? A Damn Sand Lure

Apparently the writer of the original “Watchmen” series started a website that makes and sells random musical instruments: ukulele, wood block, recorder, etc. I was curious how good they are, so I put in an order for a Moore cowbell.

One of my employees claimed he never received his check on time. I checked with HR and they confirmed David’s paid.

@johnulcer

5 жыл бұрын

This took me a few times before I got it.

I have the DVD of Martin Lawrence’s old sitcom from the 90’s and in the DVD extras there is just a 10minute episode that was made as a pilot that never aired. It was a Martin Short.

"Callin' Quinn" didn't get the laughs it deserved

TV Guide has a poll out on the best sitcoms of the 80’s. They have Alf rankin’ higher than Family Ties.

Coming back to this now about a year and a half later and SNL puns are still endlessly funny to me.

I was walking outside with my girlfriend. A man on the street with a clipboard was asking passersby about women's issues. He starting asking me questions. So I told him: "Eh, me? Poll HER!"

that G.E. Smith pun was outstanding

I remember in middle school I had Math first period. My teacher seemed so tired, she would always yawn during her lessons on fractions. Let's just say Her Ratio's Sans coffee were quite improper.

@tednugent1100

3 жыл бұрын

props but i'd like to see a Ben Schwartz ref incorporated next time

this was the best time period of office hours

When I was in high school i was failing AP english. Whenever I was called to recite the alphabet in front of the class, I'd always goof up in the middle. My problem was I'd say the letter i twice because I couldn't remember what went right after it, then I'd pick back up at k. So my teacher took me aside and said "I... fewer... J... more."

@Burgmannn

Жыл бұрын

😀

Did you know that for the first 50 years or so that the US existed, the results of the presidential election were always announced by the same guy, every four years. By the 1829 election he was in his 80s and really had to squint to read the results, so he goes out and says, "victory, uh... jackson!"

I work in the emergency room where I feel bones, feel lungs, feel nerves feel heart man!

@refoliation

3 жыл бұрын

Feel heart man 🤣

An adult yelled from down from a castle, "kids, the draw bridge is stuck, just keep busy with your wind toys" one boy hollered back "but he flies his higher than I can", "Don't worry" said the adult, "We'll lower a kite linker"

Tim's laugh is amazing

No matter how long I lay out on the beach I won't get darker. I can't tan, but my buddy Chris... Chris can tan.

2:01 straight up witches cackle lmao

Good clean fun!

My uncle was going to start a tire fire on his property and so he was pouring gasoline all over this pile of tires and before he lit them I looked down and realized I was standing on a gas tire. Ana Gasteyer.

Thank you Tim! Hahah -Dana

When the Chevrolet Motor Company marketing department was watching O.J. Simpson fleeing from the police in a Ford Bronco one of them said, “Man I wish this was a Chevy Chase”. He was immediately fired.

"I slipped and fell in a puddle in Texas & part of my leg got wet- Wet Knee Houston" - Karl Pilkington

The Taylor swift and Mike huckabee ones from Tim’s standup are so good

This is what heaven looks like to Karl Pilkington.

You know how the country of Italy has their own Italian Santa Claus? Well one particularly snowy Christmas Eve he couldn't see where his sleigh was going and it was too dangerous for him to fly. Just when it looked like all the little Sicilian boys and girls wouldn't be getting their presents, an idea struck him of how to guide his way through the fog. "Maya Rudolph!"

My child Alfred asked me which military branch he should join. i told him "Fred...Army, son"

I was grilling up some hamburgers and hot dogs for the family one summer day, and my youngest runs up to me and says "Dad! Uncle Joe dropped his whole plate of food!" Shocked, I exclaimed "Oh, no! Did he drop his hot dog?" He replied, "Yeah, dad! Andy Samberg!"

Santa came stumbling out of a bar, confronted by a police officer asking if the sleigh and reindeer parked haphazardly right outside the bar was his, to which Santa replied, "Yes, that's my uh.. Rudolph."

Everyone knows how much I love llamas and so it was no surprise that I used some vacation time to visit a llama farm. I got there early and jogged towards the first llama I saw but as soon as I got to the fence it spat.

Every thanksgiving we get a turkey and after it’s cooked I can’t find my wife so I gotta yell “Dana! Carvey time!”

I once went on a roadtrip with my Swedish girlfriend. Now she has a fascination with tan colored cars for some reason, she says it reminds her of the 70's and 80's movies she loves so much. We couldn't go on this trip in our own car unfortunately, so we decided to rent one. We were at the counter filling in the paperwork when the guy asked me: "what kind of color do you want the car to be?" I turned to my girfriend and asked: "Chriska, tan?"

This is amazing 😹 what a crazy idea

This was a funny clip. I haven't seen this podcast in a while and this was really fun. I remember now why I love these guys for sure! Oh and u should have Brent Weinbach on too. Feel me nickles?

@windowzombie

Жыл бұрын

Acorn's on wet.

My gym teacher said we had to play a game in which we pass basketballs to each other’s arms, calls it ‘hand-a-ball’. This game is so boring, we told the teacher ‘hand-a-ball bores us!’ (Hannibal burress)

I was chatting with Soundgarden's roadie and asked him: "What kind of music does Cornell sing?" "Chris? Rock." (Disclaimer- Did this one on my twitter also)

Went to the shop and bought 2 tvs, one for upstairs and one for down stairs, so I paid and picked up one and the cashier said, 'How are you gonna get the other one back?' and I said, 'I'll make Jim carry it'. I made sure to get john candy too

We found a cat and took it in. When we got it's shots the Vet told us "dont be surprised if it runs away, it might not come back, in which case it Will Ferrel".

The craft store Michael’s sells fishing equipment now! That’s right you can get fishing lure in Michael’s!

I'm a locksmith and I was walking my dog when the leash snapped. All I had on me besides poo bags was my chain of keys. So I looped them all together to create a leash of keys.

The Beck Bennett one, Fred is a man after my own heart.

I was driving with my friend through the south of France and he was telling me that because of the climate down there some of their infrastructure grows these weird shaped horns. I didn't believe him so we took a detour to go looking, it didn't take long to find one... there it was, right in front of me: a dam's antler!

Tim could've made a great Terry Sweeny joke at 3:52.

@TheBrianBonelli

5 жыл бұрын

(Terry's weenie)

I wanted to let everyone know this is no joke because I was almost in a car accident listening to this podcast while I was driving!! Mostly because show is so funny but also because there were two other cars on the freeway going after each other. They were speeding and trying to race. A shame to because they are really risking two beautiful new cars. One was a Corvette and he was being tailed by a speeding Camaro. Let me tell you it was a real CHEVY CHASE!!!

A friend of mine was designing a banner for the school dance but a couple of the words came out ill-defined, so I told him he should maybe trace "He" and "More" again.

I was going to the gathering of the juggalos and we all know there's like an official soda of the juggalos, so I get my soda ready but I realize I don't have anything to carry it in. So I go up to the attic and find my grandpa's old world war 2 stuff, and I see he's got this old thing for carrying water on his missions fighting the Germans. So I show up at the ICP show with a CanTEEN o' FAYgo. Can - TEEN o FAY -go. (Tina Fey)

Too late but here: Worked for this billiard repair place and we kept all the replacement pool balls in these big bags. The boss started trusting me and wanted to send me out on jobs solo. Suggested to me that it was time to get “ja own cue sack”.

Did you hear about that unsolved crime recently? It was so tough to crack they brought in a bunch of witches to help with it. It was a real witch-heavy chase!

I was at the beach and my buddy was digging around, and he said he was trying to catch a fish. This guy was trying to make a dumb sand lure..

I actually had a neighbor named Fred, he loved guns a lot, he loved guns so much he Armed his son.

This is as funny as my cousin Sue’s recent hepatitis diagnosis.

This is surreal.

So.. I had an appointment with my cardiologist last week because I've been having chest pains. he was trying to recommend eating healthy and exercising over medication. well I finally got fed up with him and I yelled "just give me my pill heart-man."

Christ in wig was fuckin hilarious.

I narrowly avoided a car accident today. I got Chevy chased

My buddy Will has a real passion for making forts. I guess you could say it's his forte.

The reason this is so hilarious is that it’s so damned stupid. Definitely fun times

Mike, a buddy of mine loves McDonalds. We call him Michael McKean. Another friend, James, had to file for bankruptcy last year. Jimmy fell on hard times.

doug i love ya

in the future are cars will be voice command driven. when someone is trying to flee a hit and run, you can just say chevy, chase!

“Have you seen this hot chick dana? Man she is curvy.” That’s gotta be the worst thing I’ve ever heard

Keira Knightly has been getting into a bad habit of writing her initials on other people's weaponry. She really K'd my cannon.

Was talking with my bud Chris about our friend Lee who's always late to the bar. I said " Chris if our Lee is late one more time".......Chris Farley

My friend david, always spends so much on friday when he gets his paycheck. another friend asked how much money do you think is in his savings, "david's paid" i said sarcastically

How do you only have 63k subscribers?!!! I'm a huge fan. I doubt you'll ever see this but just in case..... SPUGAT!

I thought Vic was Doug, and Doug was Vic. Now I know. That is all.

my girlfriend Melissa fought an old lady and people started placing bets. It was "Melissa v A Senior"

Cups, pans, foil, the real reason there'll be no life on the red planet, is the Mars tin shortage.

My friend is a huge coffee drinker. I tried to play a trick on him once by switching our cups. He took one sip, spit it out and yelled, "Tea?! Nah fave!"

Classic

I love the series Decker so much that if I ever saw Tim in real life I'd refer to him in character, but I'd need to catch his attention first, I'd be like "Tim!..... Hi Decker"

When is the DECKER Cinematic Universe going to start?

I like to get really tan, but it’s really hard for me to get a good base. For whatever reason, I’m just perennially pale. So usually the first time out for the season I like to go hard with something like crisco. I call it my Cris Ka Tan

I have a buddy, Tim High. Dudes always complaining to me about how his wife hits him , abuses him etc. He calls me and says "my wife just punched me in the face for the 4th time this week, what should I do?" I told him rather blunt and sternly "Tim High... deck her!"

theres these small crabs in florida that give painful bites and often hide in the sand, i got bit one time and looked to see what did it, a damn sandler!

I saw an SNL alumni doing stand up and it just wasn't working. I guess it wasn't Will's Forte.

Me and the SNL cast went for fall walk, and as we entered this field, I remember saying, "Aww, Tim Meadows"

My friend Will turned forty the other day.

These puns have absolutely no finesse

So i was fishing out on the beach. I was walking and got something stuck in my foot. I got down to check it out. It was a damn sand lure.

I took my son to the doctors for an infected scar.. they told me.. that the scar led to no hands son.. you know.. scarlett johansson

Tim, can we pleeeease start a band called "Viacom Dios"? 😀😘

I dont like getting buzz cuts...yah cause "I look bald when" I have one

Did you ever watch Kroll Show? My favorite character is Farley. She looks more like a CHRIStine to me, though.

I really need to step up my window-decour. Whenever someone walks into my apartment, they always say, "Ew. That is such a plain jane curtain."

I love how Norm McDonald is still relevant enough that he gets a pun.

Yeah, last week I took my super racist uncle with me to a pawn shop. The guy asked me what I had to sell so I lifted up a small boat to where he could see it and asked for $100. well, he talked me down to $20 and I was just about to accept, when my uncle said, "put your ROWBOAT DOWN. HE JEW'N YOUR dumbass outta money."

@mnchls

5 жыл бұрын

this is incredible and you should be very very proud.

We were having a great Thanksgiving dinner, until my brothers Pat and Dan started arguing over who was going to carve the turkey. I finally said “Dan, uhh, carvey up the turkey, ok?” ... Dana Carvey

I went into Mcdonalds and bought 2 Big Mac's, one without pickles for me. I bit into a burger and instantly spat out a pickle. I had just eaten Andy's hamburger

I wear a hair piece. I keep it real clean because nobody likes a crustin’ wig.

I asked my hesitant pal what I should add to my tool box and he says, Add umm...a Sander.

I know I'm a year late, but do you guys think it's too late to colin jost to tell him my pun?