This feels like such a throwback Simpsons Mysteries, the kind of video I would make 5 years ago. In how the evidence immediately becomes a contradictory mess and it only gets worse, the more you look into it. Kearney is definitely one of those characters that, for our own peace of mind, it's best not to think about too deeply. (Also, I had some reports that the last couple vids were kinda quiet, so I pumped the volume a couple notches for this one. Hopefully the sound mix is better this time.)

@spiralyt309

10 ай бұрын

Love to see you look into another classic Simpsons mystery

@JimMilton-ej6zi

10 ай бұрын

Pp

@clonegeek3317

10 ай бұрын

My theory is an older Kearney time traveled back and sired Kearney Jr.

@BestTimes8812

10 ай бұрын

I liked your Simpsons Mysteries videos! Hope you do more of them if there even are more mysteries

@knightofthenine3121

10 ай бұрын

here in brazil his name is commonly pronounced as curley

I like the idea that Kearneys is just constantly lying about his age so he doesn’t have to pay for anything

@theonlytampacks

10 ай бұрын

Definitely a liar

@SierraSierraFoxtrot

10 ай бұрын

ALL the characters on the show are lying about their age.

@theonlytampacks

10 ай бұрын

@@SierraSierraFoxtrot the whole Kearny family lies. Those are his brothers, and they play along because Kearny is crazy, guys. He thinks he conceived a child at 6 years old.

@ithyphal

10 ай бұрын

Or he's so dumb, he doesn't know his own age.

@CoralCopperHead

10 ай бұрын

@@SierraSierraFoxtrot "How old are you?" "Ten." "How... how long have you been ten...?" _"A while~"_

Kearney being 20 makes the "fake ID" joke very funny because he's only one year off.

@foursidekm

10 ай бұрын

Tbh I imagine that happens a lot irl unless you have a friend who's one year older than you that can get beer for you

@Wishmaster787

10 ай бұрын

21 is such a weird minimum age

@foursidekm

10 ай бұрын

@@Wishmaster787 to be fair any age is arbitrary if you think about. It should probably be 18 if that's the age we decide is the age you become an adult though. Either make adult age 21 or make drinking age 18. It's weird that an adult can't legally drink alcohol

@lucydog3376

9 ай бұрын

@@foursidekm The drinking age is 18 in most countries, some even younger. The United States and a few other countries are the only ones to have the legal age as high as 21. Which like you said, if you are an adult at 18... Then you are an adult. You should be able to have the things adults have. 18 is apparently old enough to vote, smoke, have a home mortgage, go to war, buy a gun, film a porno... But don't you dare think you can get away with ordering a beer in a bar.

@foursidekm

9 ай бұрын

@@lucydog3376 oh don't worry I know it's 18 most places. I live in the uk where it's 18

The Otto getting held back theory holds some good water considering that in Season 2 "BART GETS AN F" He says "I got held back in the fourth grade myself. Twice! Look at me, man. Now I DRIVE the school bus!". Which means him failing 3rd grade for the 20 year old Kearney makes sense.

@oxcare5

5 ай бұрын

It's been a while since I have watched the simpsons and even longer since I watched that episode (didn't even remember that line) but I read it in Otto's voice right away

@capncake8837

2 ай бұрын

@@oxcare5 I also read it that way.

@igotdatdoginme

2 ай бұрын

@@capncake8837 i did too

Alternate theory. Kearney was born the 1970s New York and frozen for several years after a cyonics mishap while working as a pizza delivery boy.

@skarloey1214

10 ай бұрын

🤯

@prageruwu69

4 ай бұрын

aw crud

@damntony1

Ай бұрын

I C Weiner?

@trickyricky12147

17 күн бұрын

Futurama reference?

Headcanon: Kearney is 16 at most, and his "sons" are actually siblings that his parents have dumped on him, and he claims they're his sons for some kind of tax related reason. It'd help explain away the playground beating of other children, his questionably aged girlfriend and why he can't buy alcohol himself. We'll assume the Bicentennial joke was just him making a joke or picking up on things adults have said, because he's older. Either alternative of him being 20 or closer to 30 are just too horrifying to think about.

@EmilyAllen-eo6xc

10 ай бұрын

that was kinda my read on it, too

@spooky6703

10 ай бұрын

Doesn't Skinner say that Kearney remembers the Bicentennial, or am I misremembering?

@absolutelydegenerate1900

10 ай бұрын

Honestly I’ll take this theory because frankly anything else is just not something I’d like to think about too hard lol

@DavidMartin-qj8gf

10 ай бұрын

@@spooky6703he might be just joking or he’s just meaning he was around for it. I think of him as he’s 18 or 20 cause If he’s kid is 5 or 6 that would place him at 13-15 when the kid was born. Which isn’t too unbelievable since my brother was a father by 14.

@Alphoric

10 ай бұрын

According to this guy he’s probably 50+ as this guy seems to think air dates effect age when the characters don’t age

Kearney always seemed like a surreal character to me, like he represented a bully that was was way bigger and older than Bart to make him more intimidating, and then taken to an absurd degree with him being old enough to drive, have kids, be divorced, etc. As soon as you try to place him in reality and tease out a timeline, the more you feel like a social worker trying to investigate why this elementary school student has a son that sleeps in a drawer. Kearney’s whole deal is that his backstory is absurd and exaggerated, so I don’t think it’s even possible to do like a serious spotlight episode about his life without changing the details to be more realistic, which undoes the whole point of his character to begin with. Truly Kearney does a fine jig around the reality of the Simpsons

@Copperkaiju

6 ай бұрын

This is the optimal take. His age kinda reminds me of the Simpsons house. It constantly changes to suit the situation.

@jasonjayalap

2 ай бұрын

The impossible "Teenager with a teenager" quote was the writers answering the question.

@houndoomdude2

2 ай бұрын

Yeah, also a joke about a kid getting held back over and over.

@kalkuttadrop6371

2 күн бұрын

@@jasonjayalap Not impossible, but improbable and you wish it was impossible

The whole 'Kearney can't buy alcohol/cigarettes' in my head is because he's trying to hide his real ID because of warrants and things, would explain why he's in jail in the little bandit episode.

@beipiaosaurus

3 ай бұрын

Yeah, one thing that was never brought up is that some businesses won't sell age-restricted items to you if your license is expired or otherwise problematic, regardless of your age. So Kearney could be old enough to drink, but using a fake license for other reasons.

I actually like the idea that Kearney's son is a few years younger than Bart but was so smart that he graduated early

@Jim-so3zm

10 ай бұрын

I think that was a conscious decision by the writers

@oldmanlogan9616

10 ай бұрын

Yes me too

@adamnicholls8708

10 ай бұрын

I think he's shown as quite smart and mature, so that makes sense to me.

@cstinybaby

10 ай бұрын

yeah but i dont think this is the case, just the writers being loose with the lore of a very very minor character

@Reggieeeeeeee322

9 ай бұрын

kearny Jr is supposed to be a representation of al jean

Otto asking why Kearney was still in school when they were in 3rd grade together is one of my personal most favorite lines in the show’s history.

@ninjaoffire01

2 ай бұрын

Oh, hello captain!

@Professor__S

2 ай бұрын

Otto is mid 20's🤣🤣🤣. I always thought he was in his late 30's. Looks old AF😂

I feel like the idea of Kearney being a series of clones. It’s why they all look the same, and each new Kearney created is responsible for the next one as a “Dad” figure. It makes the most sense for me.

I always thought of Kearney as a joke on the public school system's policy of holding kids back for failing classes. And he was just an extreme example and his age range goes for whatever is the most convenient at the time. So he could be a teenager in elementary or a young adult who still hangs around teenagers.

@Copperkaiju

6 ай бұрын

I agree.

@honestabe411

5 ай бұрын

lol don’t worry they don’t hold anyone back anymore

The panicked disgust over the possibility of child-parent Kearney is probably the most passionate we've heard Jims get yet

@TheRealJims

10 ай бұрын

It really grosses me out

@DavidMartin-qj8gf

10 ай бұрын

@@TheRealJimsI mean fair enough

@Hositrugun

10 ай бұрын

​@@TheRealJimsBelieve it or not, that's actually a genuine possibility. The youngest girl to ever give birth was five.

@user-gp5yz5yz4x

10 ай бұрын

​@@Hositrugunyoungest father ever was 9 though

@ConwayFreelanceDetective

10 ай бұрын

Both of these are awful facts that I now know

All of the craziness aside, Kearny yelling at Skinner & Chalmers to get away from his car when they’re trying to pry off the H still gets me every time.

@Clouditivity

9 ай бұрын

same LOL

I don't know if they still do this in high school but Kearney was kind of a common 1990s high School archetype, the kid who was held back multiple times for behavioral issues which means he'd be a legal adult when graduating but everyone was supposed to pretend he was still a kid, and you never really knew how old he actually was.

@ChristopherSobieniak

10 ай бұрын

I remember that, saw plenty of those kids in my childhood.

@foursidekm

10 ай бұрын

Aren't most people legal adults when graduating though lol

@ChristopherSobieniak

10 ай бұрын

@@foursidekm I was already 18 when I started my senior year of high school in '95.

@J.SMITH.

10 ай бұрын

@@foursidekm sure some are but from our perspective as high schoolers there was a big difference between 17 year olds and 20 year olds

@leaffinite3828

3 ай бұрын

​@@foursidekm yeah but only barely as opposed to being 19 or 20

The Simpsons takes place in an infinite number of realities, and Kearny’s age is different in every single one

Kerney could be using the fake ID and maintaining the illusion of being underage in order not to weird out Dolph and Jimbo. When he says "As a teenager" he could be refering to the persona he continually and subconsiously maintains, and "as the father of a teenager" could be literal.

@leonconnelly5303

10 ай бұрын

Everyone apart from apu seems to know Kearneys not a kid

@seronymus

10 ай бұрын

2deep4u

@overlord6993

10 ай бұрын

Apu is too blue collar to take a risk of giving a teenager alcoholic beverages. He is the goat

@VicvicW

10 ай бұрын

They do this joke with Martin at one point

@thephantomoftheparadise5666

10 ай бұрын

Except him and Auto went to school together.

I have a few theories to make the kid situation less upsetting Regarding “parent of a teenager” it’s possible that Kearny was a step-father or acting parent at the time. If he really was dating Jimbo’s mom for example, Jimbo could be his teen child in question Another is that Kearny may be unaware where children come from, and his father may be tricking him into thinking his brothers/step brothers are his children as a way to dodge child support. This would certainly work on the young Kearny who was “worried about becoming a dad” and there is precedent as a girl tried the same trick on Bart. Maybe there is some evidence in that one sideshow bob episode where marge teaches sex ed to support this

@TheDoctorofOdoIsland

10 ай бұрын

I definitely see Kearney as a parent to Dolph and Jimbo.

@girlbuu9403

10 ай бұрын

Parent of a teenager also is less horrifying if you count any double digit starting with 1 as a teen. But that's still a 19 year old with a 10 year old. I think that he might just be stupid or joking.

@usernamenotfound80

10 ай бұрын

Alternatively, Kearny is so bad at maths that he lost track of both his own and his son's age. That would also play into the joke.

@ThomasSchannel

10 ай бұрын

Parentification makes a lot of sense, and if he's raising a child that would explain him being held back due to missing school

@worrier

10 ай бұрын

My take is that he's older than a teen but keeps up his status pretending to be one and thinks it's working and nobody calls him out on it

My theory is that Kearney is 20 with 2 kids, Otto was held back repeatedly so that they were in third grade together, and Kearney Jr. is around 4 years old, but ends up being a wunderkind and graduates several years early, in Bart and Milhouse's class. That covers most bits of info we have (save for the "teenager and parent of a teenager" line), and I like the idea that Kearney himself gets held back in school while Kearney Jr. skips ahead.

With all this detail on his age, you have overlooked the ice cream sandwiches concealed in his armpits.

@bibbitybooper6437

7 ай бұрын

Underrated comment

Kearney turning his life around and eventually working for the government in the future was always so damn interesting to me. He’s like a character in a Wes Anderson movie, where there’s so much more going on with them than what we’re being shown

@t.c.bramblett617

10 ай бұрын

I feel like that career path involved trouble with the law, Army recruitment, moving him into a security guard position after a semi-honorable discharge, and slow creep up the private security ranks until his old halfway house mentor (now a staffer for a minor White House official) gives him a break on his background check and he's in the Secret Service. Damn... now I want to write that whole story

@t.c.bramblett617

10 ай бұрын

update: I prompted AI to write the story and it came out exactly as I envisioned it. but boring

@KnaveMurdok

10 ай бұрын

It happened to me. i was a fuckup through MOST of my life, but I turned it around a few years ago and wound up landing a low level government desk job. Since then I've been a pretty good ladder climber, shit is improving a lot for me and the future seems a lot brighter now. I'm not Secret Service or anything, but hey, it's working out.

@durianthesleepy

10 ай бұрын

Feels less special to me given that it more or less follows Bart being a shoe-in for the Supreme Court.

@kaisershipyards

10 ай бұрын

Maybe Kearney is pretend student at school and is a police informant?

"Forbidden Kearney Lore" is such a great combination of words.

@tiablue9106

10 ай бұрын

I like when he casually says stuff like "he's got that BLE, Big Lenny Energy" or "lisa, the simpsons' odie equivalent" lol making the most ridiculous stuff sound so factual

maybe kearney's sons are actually his little brothers, and he's acting as their father cuz his parents aren't consistent enough

Alright, I've got a theory to make the whole "Parent of a teenager" gag work without it being unnecessarily creepy: For that particular joke Kearney is in the 18-19 age range and was dating an older woman with a teenage son. So he's not talking about Kearney Jr. or Weird Muscular Baby but an unseen third stepson. This might have been during that period where he was dating Jimbo's mom...

@youmukonpaku3168

10 ай бұрын

or the easier one, Kearny Jr. is his little brother, who he adopted when his parents ended up in a jail and an asylum. Kearny Jr. might only be a few years younger than him, making him a teenage parent of a teenager without being a biological parent of anyone (except possibly his Other Son.)

Those Simpson Mysteries really lifted our spirits after Watergate.

@gladosbutstupid8807

10 ай бұрын

what the hell is your profile picture

@kaitlyn__L

10 ай бұрын

@@gladosbutstupid8807porn

@acex222

10 ай бұрын

@gladosbutstupid8807 must be your first day online? Welcome to the internet, that's cropped hentai.

@olsmellyknuckles9653

10 ай бұрын

@@gladosbutstupid8807that’s a creative way to ask for the sauce

@SerAbiotico

10 ай бұрын

​@@gladosbutstupid8807a moaning waifu, apparently 🤷

As a result of both Homer's incompetence at the plant and Frink's Mad Science, Springfield is trapped in a strange time paradox where time does pass and yet nobody inside Springfield changes which can explain why Martin is 36 years old with wife and kids but still in elementary school and Kearny is in his 40s with a kid and how Grandpa can be a WW2 Vet and still functional at 119 years old

@nickrustyson8124

10 ай бұрын

That's a great Treehouse of Horror idea, the town that doesn't age

@walpoleandworcester

10 ай бұрын

That would explain so much! I even saw a picture of Homer’s license with his birth date on there. There’s other shows like SpongeBob that have done that sort of thing but I always am fascinated by how these cartoons work around stuff like that and the ages of the characters.

@untitleduntitled4740

10 ай бұрын

maybe burns is responsible for the town being ageless because of his nuclear radiation in the atmosphere altering them. as a result, everyone can survive fatal accidents, their memories are fogged up, their personalities are twisted and exaggerated, etc. and burns does all this so he can stay alive forever and continue being rich.

@Darkstar1484

10 ай бұрын

It actually traces back to homers prayer in maggie makes three, god agreed not to change things so time became a bit...unstuck. Kearney knows, he worked it out, its why he became a member lf the church board. Teenager and parent of a teenager is him expressing the existential horror he feels

@BlindProphet413

10 ай бұрын

I always wondered if the show went on long enough if Grandpa would suddenly become a veteran of Korea or Vietnam or something instead.

Kearney buying beer from the Kwik-E-Mart with a fake ID could potentially be explained by him using a false identity in case he’s caught buying alcohol for minors.

I’m going with “Kearney Jr. is his little brother or cousin that he’s adopted but was so small when it happened he just knows Kearney as dad.”

A theory that could also make it all work is if Kearney Jr is a younger brother who he ended up legally adopting to prevent him from going into the system and the baby Kearney we see around is his actual child. It would explain so much about why he's a teenager who's the father of a teenager because he ended up having to legally adopt a younger sibling when one parent went to jail and the other went to the asylum. And then he ended up getting someone pregnant and rushed to marry them ending up with baby Kearney and eventually divorced that person which was hard on his brother that he legally adopted. There have been a few cases of older siblings having to legally adopt younger siblings so for all intense and purposes they are the legal guardian or parent of their sibling. Often times the state wants to keep families together, but if one sibling is still a teenager themselves the only way to really keep them together is for the older sibling to legally adopt the younger one because it then becomes harder for the state to separate them.

@Clay3613

10 ай бұрын

A reverse Jack Nicholson.

@leafsnail5612

10 ай бұрын

This is an interesting possibility, although calling your kids Kearney and Kearney Jr would be unusual.

@phineas81707

10 ай бұрын

@@leafsnail5612 RealJims and the Simpsons Wiki name him, but I don't recall if the show has ever actually done the same. "Kearney Jr." is more of a simple way for us to refer to his existence instead of "Kearney's son".

@leafsnail5612

10 ай бұрын

@@phineas81707 Yeah you might be right then. It'd be funny if Kearney's dad's child support payments are actually meant to be going to Kearney himself.

@DownTrodded

10 ай бұрын

This is honestly the best outcome compared to the others yet is still extremely fucked up and sad his child himself and his brother are doomed in so many different ways to have so many different problems.

Despite everything. It is kinda cool how consistent is that Kearney and his son have a good relationship in every appearance.

@Demilich23

10 ай бұрын

he sleeps in a drawer

@mung01re

10 ай бұрын

@@Demilich23 He's cool with it.

@eric6cartman9

10 ай бұрын

its cute

@AYAKXSHI

10 ай бұрын

@@Demilich23my lil cousin literally fell asleep in a kitchen on the floor babys will sleep anywhere at anytime

I feel like the point to the adult Kearney joke is that there’s some kids who look like they’re way older than they really are. At least that was the root of it & then The Simpsons completely ran with it as usual

Maybe Kearney isn't affected by whatever keeps the other characters in a floating timeline. He ages but has to fake a younger age so the others don't notice.

I am going to mention something as a factor, siblings. 1) Unless the episode specifically calls him Kearney, it's reasonable to assume that it is a sibling Zzyzwicz 2) When he calls himself a "Parent of a teenager" it would make sense for him to be referring to taking on the role of parent in the case of siblings, especially with the mention of both parents being put away Another possibility with the "Parent of a teenager" line is that he fosters, or perhaps it's the child of a girl he is dating. As far not being able to buy alcohol, assuming it's not a sibling Zzyzwicz, perhaps it's not about age but due to his legal trouble he is not allowed to buy it as part of his parole?

@jalengee8421

10 ай бұрын

Idk if it could be his girlfriends kids because they look exactly like him no?

@hoodedman6579

10 ай бұрын

Zzyzwicz is his last name, for anyone else who was immensely confused by this comment.

@cowboyluigi5275

10 ай бұрын

@@hoodedman6579you just saved me from a breakdown, thank you

@almightyk11

10 ай бұрын

@@jalengee8421 I meant he was referring to a different child

@almightyk11

10 ай бұрын

​@@hoodedman6579is this not common knowledge?

You know how whenever you mention Hans Moleman being old and someone will comment INSISTING that he's actually 31 because of a single joke in a single episode? This video is like that for 19 minutes and it's great.

I much prefer to believe that Kearney Jr is adopted and just so happens to resemble Kearney for comedic effect. The idea of him just finding a tiny duplicate of himself whilst passing an orphanage one day is both more hilarious and wholesome imo.

Let's all be thankful Kearney is a simpson's character, because if this was family guy the Kearney stuff would be creepier, more uncomfortable and downright unfunny

Kearney was born on February the 29th, so he's only had 16 birthdays but he's been alive for 64 years... That's how he can see himself as a teenager while having a teenage son...

@ShamanJeeves

10 ай бұрын

Perfect!

@alexandertroy9621

10 ай бұрын

Brilliant.

@mj.l

10 ай бұрын

best answer. springfield schools are so bureaucratic and rule-obsessed that they refuse to acknowledge his true age and hold him back til he has a birthday every 4 years

Confession: I haven't watched the Simpsons in like 15 years. I watch your videos because I enjoy listening to people talk about their passions and because your voice is so soothing.

@TheRealJims

10 ай бұрын

Thanks! It's always really nice to hear that from folks who haven't been following the show lately (or some that have never watched the show!) 😀

@dylancooper3690

10 ай бұрын

@@TheRealJims Enjoy the videos too but soothing voice?

@lordspuddington3012

10 ай бұрын

Same here!

@FinRyan87

10 ай бұрын

Same here! Tapped out of the show around season 11, but when I found this channel several years ago nostalgia and curiosity about what these characters have been up over the past 20 years got me listening. I stay subscribed to this day out of respect for Jim's passion and dedication and because goddamn his voice really is so relaxing to listen to.

@originalswimcap

10 ай бұрын

Your voice *is* really soothing! I also am a golden era purist and haven't watched the show since the movie. But I love these videos and The Simpson's is still one of my fave all-time shows. @@TheRealJims

Thanks for all the deep dives! I don’t comment often but been watching for years! Really enjoy these ❤

Kearney being in third grade with Otto could could be a hilariously deep meta joke implying that Otto is quite a bit older, but was held back for several years in third grade.

I think he was created to be another kid bully. Shaved head, kind of husky, fits in well with the other three styles of the 4 bullies. But then the idea of him having a kid as a joke just broke through, and it opened the flood gates for age jokes on a character that as far as I feel, was never meant to be of questionable age in the beginning. It’s kind of like the undercover student Martin joke from that recent episode. Except instead of being a one off joke it became a part of his actual character.

@SineN0mine3

10 ай бұрын

Whose the fourth other bully? There's Jimbo, Dolph and sometimes Nelson, who'd I miss?

@brianburkhardt3692

10 ай бұрын

@@SineN0mine3 three other styles of the 4 total bullies? You’re missing Kearney. Honestly though I originally forgot about Dolph and wrote 3 bullies. So mixups and this comment go hand in hand.

@nykcarnsew2238

10 ай бұрын

I mean yeah we all know it wasn’t planned, nothing in this show is

@AYAKXSHI

10 ай бұрын

@@SineN0mine3bart is also a bully every now and again aswell

Kearney is 19. He used Homer just to get free smokes, is old enough to go to jail, a "teen" and remembers the Bicentennial from the womb. He used to be a high flier and got bumped straight from kindergarten into 3rd grade, where the school just couldn't teach him (he's a visual learner). Otto got held back a few years. Kearney Jr. was adopted when Kearnie turned 18, (he planned to do it since he was 14) and shaves his head to be more like his new dad.

Ever notice that they keep combining Maggie and Kearny for some reason? He dresses up like her in the school play, his kid fights her, and he’s there when she’s in labor.

Kearney’s fake i.d can easily be explained that he has a court order to stay away from alcohol. I believe that is a thing.

I always thought weird muscular baby is supposed to parallel but not be connected to kearney. It's the writers saying that even the baby world has a big strong bully like Kearney. Maybe he looks like that because in the simpsons world, that's just what bullies look like?

@Azurethewolf168

10 ай бұрын

Then why don’t all bullies look that way? Why is he called kerneys kid in the mobile game?

I think you should still do a simpsons history on him. He really stands out from the other bullies.

You missed Skinner trying to steal the ‘H’ off of his Hyundai in the school parking lot. One of my favorite Kearney jokes! But the upper end of 16-19 is the most plausible answer. I’m going to go with 17. Four year old son, able to drive, not able to buy cigarettes or booze, still in elementary school. Also consider: they couldn’t force a legal adult to stay in elementary school, so if he is 18 or older, at least that would give him a wholesome motive for staying in (elementary) school.

Okay here is my thought on the whole Kearney's kid and his age. When Kearney was talking about his divorce, he was actually talking about the divorce of his mother and father, not himself and an unknown girlfriend. When his parents were getting a divorce, he was told he was going to be the new man of the house, and to a young Kearney it meant he had to become the new dad. So, instead of calling his little brother his little brother he became his son.

Kerney’s age might be ambiguous, but his caliber of father is not, he is very involved in his children’s lives, props for attempting to break the cycle

So, to explain away the more uncomfortable things: Otto was held back repeatedly, much like with Kearney, so by the time Kearney entered the Third Grade Otto was leaving it. He describe Kearney Junior as his son, but he's actually a young sibling that, due to a troubled home life, he is doing his best to raise as his own. Kearney Junior is himself quite smart for his age, and is skipping grades, hence why he's catching up to Kearney. Kearney himself actually is pretty sharp, and Springfield has improved somewhat (or just pushing him along) and due to that, he ends up making it to assistant principle once he gets his lige together.

@Ruffi0

10 ай бұрын

I like this theory

@AYAKXSHI

10 ай бұрын

And sense he’s been around so long him becoming a assistant principal would not be to impossible considering he knows everyone all schedules n has a great relationship with everyone so no one would oppose

I'm glad you made this video because some jokes from the show legit had me baffled by how old Kearney must be. Also, does anybody know how old Krusty is? His show has to have been going since the 60's according to Bart of Darkness.

@memevondank1197

6 ай бұрын

Hed probably be about homers age the two look exactly the same and this is even a plot point a few times

This is your best video so far, when you got onto the kid, the younger one (until in season 40 when it’s revealed Kearny Junior is older than Kearny himself) I totally lost it, brilliant video. Keep up the good work!

Random theory, but it may be possible Kearney's Other Son is in his ex-wife's custody, so that is why we only see him with his older kid. I could imagine the court giving custody of an actual infant to his mother rather than a guy who hasn't actually moved out of his parents' house and still hasn't finished Elementary. As for how he got custody of his older son, I imagine he got Judge Snyder's sympathy in some way, like Bart did that one time complaining about having a younger sister.

@smughorse

10 ай бұрын

It's likey he has custody of the older son, and not the infant. Because the mother isn't allowed to have unsupervised contact with children around 5 and up, but can be granted full custody of infant/toddler range children. This would also mean Kearneys parents likely gave their under age son a blessing for him to marry an older girl/woman who abused him at a very young age. This actually happens irl with s3x offender parents some times and much more often with mothers. There a heart wrenching cases of minor male victims being forced to pay child support. Or ending up in legal trouble for back child support once they turn 18. It's all just awful :(

I honestly think the Divorce joke in S8 was just meant to be a one-off joke never meant to be taken seriously or lead into something, but later seasons tried to replicate the humor that "Kearney is old lol" with his son's reappearances.

@shooby9496

7 ай бұрын

Probably the long and short of it.

@neverstopschweiking

5 ай бұрын

It can be serious and the timeline still makes sense. My explanation of the situation: Kearney's father had him, left them, had a child with another woman and left them as well. Kearney probably liked that other woman and in one of his "responsible" moments realised that while he had a bad childhood, his brother should do better and needs a father figure. So he offered to marry that woman (which she would accept for example if she had a religious family nagging her about a kid without a husband) and assumed the fatherly role for his half-brother. Of course this arrangement failed and they divorced, but he still takes care of the kid. There, problem of contradiction solved, nothing illegal or unethical, Kearney is actually a great guy.

I always just assumed that Kearney was usually meant to be around 15-18, unless they make this joke. They do similar stuff with Flanders either being 60 or Homer's age depending on the episodes, Moleman being a genuine elder or his 30s, or Mr. Burns being 81, 104, or completely ancient.

I honestly think that Kearny being 20 and his son being 3-4 makes the most sense of the things we've seen. He had a son before 18 so he was forced to marry his son's mom when he became 18 but it didn't worked out so they divorced, he got another son shortly after and he works to mantain them which leaves him little time to focus on school, also he doesn't want to focus. Put it like that Kearney's life seems really rough.

Honestly really enjoy how nebulous Kearney's age situation is. If one day the writers decided to commit to him just being a teen like the rest, we'd miss out on alot of Kearney appearances and jokes. If they went the other direction, made him an adult, he wouldn't be able to compete with characters like Snake.

@Youtubesuckscock

10 ай бұрын

He doesn't need to compete?

@ZiggyMandarr

10 ай бұрын

It's a fun hook that works. I'm actually surprised there hasn't (to my knowledge) been a Kearney spotlight that ruins the joke. We got Jeff Albertson and he's the worse for it.

@mj.l

10 ай бұрын

yeah, it’s like constantly exaggerating and playing with the “juvenile delinquent who is a little too old” trope

I think this is a situation that’s made even more confusing by the floating timeline dynamic. If we’re going by modern Simpsons the bicentennial thing is basically useless since not even Homer would be able to remember that in the current run.

@neverstopschweiking

5 ай бұрын

By the original timeline Maggie would be the age of modern-day Homer. And Grandpa would be a lot over 100, maybe around 110 years old.

I just found your channel today and I've been watching your vids all day. Perfect stuff for helping me distract from my sickness, thx so much ❤

What if Kearny and Kearny Jr are brothers but Kearny has taken the role of parent because their dad isn’t around?

Wow, This Simpsons mystery is really lifting the nations spirit after Watergate!

Okay, depressing theory, but what if Kearney Jr. is actually Kearney's lil-brother, and he has to have a fatherly role since both his parents are either in an institution or prison. So more of a family-adoption type of ordeal, maybe Jr. was just a baby when both his parents went away, which could explain why the name is just Kearney Jr, and could slide in well still to explain the young-kearney theory.

@chickennuggets9792

10 ай бұрын

And Kearney is trying to be a father-figure that ”Kearney Jr” Will probraly never have. Thats a good theory to be honest

You go above and beyond for Simpsons fandom Jims! Excellent and detailed analysis!

I wanted a histories on him for him so long so im happy that we got this. Thank you so much. 😭

Let's not forget how old Flanders actually is in that episode where he gets the senior discount

I think there’s an option here that you’ve missed. He already has a rough home life. Could one of his “sons” be a younger sibling who he has to raise because his mother is unable/unwilling? It’s unfortunately common IRL, and would help straighten out some of the inconsistencies.

@AYAKXSHI

10 ай бұрын

True but having two would still not be impossible either

@fehzorz

5 ай бұрын

Usually it's the other way around - a family pretends a teen parent and child are siblings. It happened to Jack Nicholson. But the scenario you described is plausible.

These are the kinds of videos you get when you try to make sense out of a cartoon show where characters can die one episode and become president the next

I think Kearney is probably closer to 16. I think that makes more sense personally for me. I do also like the other theory where his sons are his sibling where he takes care of them as a parent.

@doggerlander

8 ай бұрын

nah that sibling stuff just takes away from the hilarity of it

@roberttreacy8271

8 ай бұрын

I also think Kearney is 16, and I think the theory of his “sons” being his siblings is more plausible.

@strifeandharmony6472

7 ай бұрын

@@doggerlander Unless he's acting as their legal guardian and confuses that with parenthood.

The SImpsons universe is caught in a weird chrono-bubble, where time does advance, but people don't age or are really aware of it. Kearney however is different. He does age forward, but then gets violently pulled back into being a teenager. Everything is explainable if you consider Kearney being an anomaly inside the chrono-bubble that keeps the Simpsons as young, or old, as they are. He does get older, gets children and has romances, but every so often he is pulled back into his teenage years. And since he doesn't really change visually, noone notices or cares.

After “This is all your fault, Armin!” I had to pause for a solid two minutes so I could hear what you had to say next over my laughter. Well done.

Can't forget when Skinner and Chalmers try to steal the "H" from Kearney's Hyundai to replace Skinner's Honda's "H" and he screams out the window to stay away from his car

Subbed my homie, Quality watch and quality editing.

I think it's just that most people remember that one kid at school who got held back a couple of years and looked way older than everyone else in their grade due to how quickly kids grow. I think that's really the entire scope of the gag. I don't think they ever had any specific age in mind for him, and his age can be pretty much anything as needed to make the joke work. I get it, though, it's fun to speculate on stuff like this.

@OneManHolocaust

10 ай бұрын

I got held back a single year but have the weird birthday thing meaning I was 2 years older than most people in my grade, you can make a lot of money buying people cigarettes In a small country town

The _“as a teenager and the parent of a teenager”_ comment could be explained away as him having a step kid or adopted kid. The dates are still funky but it’s more plausible. His comment about being nervous about becoming a dad I always took as _“hypothetically in the future”,_ not _“in the coming months”._ I’ve always liked this little running joke, particularly how paradoxical it is, contradicting itself at every turn. It makes it more fun and interesting than a more consistent, law abiding running joke would be. This show has a habit of doing things like this and it just adds to the overall character of the town and its inhabitants. TLDR: Kearney is an ageless being who exists outside the realms of old and young, unrestricted by the normal laws of ageing, and that’s how we like him :)

props to you having subtitles on all your videos. thanks 👍

Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Kerney's other son!

Him being ambiguously old is perfect and I don't want them to give him a concrete age. I still remember seeing bully-type teens with his vibe at some of my schools that also were either young-looking but way too old, OR old-looking yet actually young. In the end, you really never know.

Fun fact, Kearney is called "Patata" (Italian for potato) in Italian. (Jimbo is called "Secco" - which literally means "dry" but it's likely intended to be in the colloquial synonym for "dead" - and Dolph is called "Spada", meaning "sword")

@seronymus

10 ай бұрын

Interesting I wonder why

I like to think his "sons" are his brothers who he legally adopted due to his parents being in an asylum and prison. I think he's around 16 and keeps getting held back.

@ShiningStar396

10 ай бұрын

And maybe Otto is misremembering or Kearney has an older brother who looks just like him.

@neverstopschweiking

5 ай бұрын

Well, he talks about his divorce, so I think it was something like this: Kearney's father had him, left them, had a child with another woman and left them as well. Kearney probably liked that other woman and in one of his "responsible" moments realised that while he had a bad childhood, his brother should do better and needs a father figure. So he offered to marry that woman (which she would accept for example if she had a religious family nagging her about a kid without a husband) and assumed the fatherly role for his half-brother. Of course this arrangement failed and they divorced, but he still takes care of the kid. There, problem of contradiction solved, nothing illegal or unethical, Kearney is actually a great guy.

Someone had to make this video and you did an excellent job 👏 Subscribed

This feels like a throwback to your Herman video! Very well done!

Kearny is in his own timeline, everyone else is in the floating one, he continues to get older physically, which caused his mind to snap and why people dont know that he is his real age. Otto is definitely in his 40s

This video was very well put together 👏👏👏👏👏

This is such a chaotic video

Pre watch prediction , Kearney is an elder God who changes age to mess with people. Edit: the fact that this could make the teenager line possible is hilarious

@emeraldfinder5

10 ай бұрын

Surprised that hasn’t been a treehouse of horror plot yet

@peterprime2140

10 ай бұрын

The Melancholy of Kearney Zzyzwicz

@AzelfandQuilava

10 ай бұрын

Let’s go with that, yeah.

I like the idea that he's in his late twenties or 30ish and that he just can't drive for... reasons. That has happened to many and it would be on brand with Kearney

kearney's age is a bit like Burns' age thinking about it, the writers are never quite accurate with how old they want to make him. there is one of the first times seeing him trying to hire safety guru homer in which homer thinks he's 100 but Burns tells him he's 81, there's the hellfish episode where he gets caught in Grandpa's floating timeline actually appearing to be a younger, cowardly and effectively useless recruit to Abe's unit but there are many things in Burns' timeline that would make him over 100 years old and while he appeared younger than Abe in the hellfish days he wins an award for being the oldest man in springfield, older than Grandpa

This channel is phenomenal

On a semi-related note, I've always found Bart and Lisa's grades and ages weird. If Lisa was 10 and in 4th grade, her level of intelligence would be a little more believable. Plus playing in the school band usually becomes available in 4th grade. If Bart was 12 and in 6th grade, he could still be in elementary school (cause some schools move you on at 7th/8th grade) but he still wouldn't be a teenager yet. Overall, them being a little older makes more sense for both of them.

@GeeZaaq

8 ай бұрын

It would make the Bart love stories more believable too.

My theory is that Kearney doesn't really know what a teenager is. Maybe he thinks it's just someone in the bracket he is in at school. So he could be older than a teenager and his son could be younger than a teenager and he just thinks they both are. Maybe Kearney actually is old enough to drink but just doesn't realize it because "teenagers can't drink" hell, maybe he straight up doesn't know how old he is, who knows?

There was a Treehouse of horror comic which has a invasion of the body snatchers parody where Kearney is freaking out over the fact that his father is not abusing him anymore.

The biggest revelation of this video for me is his name is Kearney

I feel like a piece of my innocence has died with the new knowledge of weird muscular baby's existence.

“Forbidden Kearney lore” it’s a pretty great sentence.

Alternative theory Kerney is 16 and is still in elementary school after losing several years to becoming a father at a tragically young age. He makes jokes about being older to take ownership of his situation as adults like Skinner and Otto kept making quips at his expense.

The moby style intro always gets me

Completely unrelated to the rest of the video but Dolf and Jimbo being about 13/14 makes perfect sense when you consider that Jimbo is dating Shanua and SHE recently had her Bat Mitzvah (an event that happens at 12/13)

Weird. Muscular. Baby. Even with the strong competition of one 'JimmyPoopins' this week everytime you said that it just kept getting funnier.

Man, i'm slowly growing addicted to your channel

so he's "that guy" in the town, the punk rocker dude down to the core but at an age where he fits in with basically none of the major age groups