I wrote this song, "Reaching," for my grandfather after watching him mourn the loss of his wife of 67 years. The first verse actually happened not long after she passed, when his pastor picked him up to take him to church one Sunday morning.
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My grandfather is in very good mental condition. Still, for a few months after my grandmother's passing, he would look for her and ask others where she was. Once you reminded him she had gone to Heaven and wasn't coming back, you could see the disbelief on his face. After a few seconds, the disbelief turned into acceptance. This would happen quite a few times. I really don't think his problem was "remembering" she had passed. I really believe it was simply inconceivable that she wasn't there. It's all he had known for nearly 70 years. How, after such a long time of having someone at your side, could you convince yourself that they weren't there anymore?
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After watching him mourn such a great loss and experiencing him trying to adjust to his new reality, I wrote "Reaching." It's a bittersweet song to me. It's extremely sad but also a powerful and beautiful reminder of how incredible love is.
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I was in the coffee shop reading John 11 a couple of hours ago and I began to cry as I pictured the scene as Lazarus' friends and family mourned his death. We've all been there. I can't really put it into words. But it's incredibly painful.
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Verse 33 says, "When Jesus looked at Mary and saw her weeping at his feet, and all her friends who were with her grieving, he shuddered with emotion and was deeply moved with tenderness and compassion." It then goes on to say that Jesus asked where they had buried Lazarus and as they are taking him to tomb the Bible says in verses 35 and 36, "'Then tears streamed down Jesus' face.' Seeing Jesus weep caused the mourners to say, 'Look how much he loved Lazarus.'"
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This year, God has really been correcting and molding my thinking about Him. It's been an incredible, intense season. I have been changed greatly. For the first time ever, the resurrection of Lazarus wasn't the most amazing thing to me in this story. The reason I was crying in that coffee shop wasn't because of what Jesus did, instead, it was because of who Jesus is.
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The real miracle in this story is that God Himself stooped down into our heartache and took part in it. For years I read this story from the perspective of someone who wanted to receive the works of God. That's why I always focused on the resurrection. But man, when we really begin to seek the heart of God, and not what He can do, we can be a hot mess and weep over fresh revelations of how much the Creator of the universe cares for us.
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Earlier in the story, after intentionally waiting for Lazarus to die, Jesus says to his disciples, "For your sake, I'm glad I wasn't there [to stop him from dying], because now you have another opportunity to see who I am..." (v.15). I always figured Jesus was saying, "I'm about to resurrect this dude and blow your mind." But they had seen Jesus do some WILD stuff already. I don't think they would have doubted he could do more wild stuff. I wonder if Jesus wanted them to see Him crying. Not just to see what He was capable of but who He was. And He is love.
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It's a gloomy, rainy day here. And I just sung the saddest song I've ever written about one of the saddest events in my life. Still, I'm looking out of my office window and can't help but find beauty in every sight, sound and smell. God is good. He is nothing but good. I know this because today, He offered me another opportunity to see who He is. And who I am.
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He is love. I am loved.
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Selah.
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This song is available on my EP, "All My Friends," anywhere you buy or stream music online. Just search Reaching by Jeremy Caruthers.