POCD is the closest thing to Dostoevsky's personal hell on this earth

What I’m really struggling with POCD is the testing compulsion, where you deliberately think a gross sexual thought in order to your reaction and see if you get aroused. I never do, and I am always absolutely disgusted, but I can’t stop seeking that certainty

This thing hit me at around age 28, I never had any type of OCD before that. It was triggered by someone at my workplace being revealed to be a pedophile. I began to ruminate, to take on his guilt. Then I began to be very uncomfortable passing children in the street, getting so distressed that I had groinal responses, which made it very frightening. I abused alcohol a lot and became homeless. Eventually through alcohol recovery programs I got into support groups and learned "you are not your thoughts." What really helped to subdue it was going to an OCD support group and hearing lots of people saying "I thought I was a pedophile." I should have known all along because I have never fantasised about doing anything like that with kids. The whole idea horrifies me and the OCD bully picked on my worst fear.

@jaggass

8 ай бұрын

I have POCD and every time i get intrusive images of doing things or harming a child really upsets me because other than murder it's the lowest thing a human can ever do. For along time i had to avoid going to parks because my anxiety would spike as soon as i saw children playing and kept having full blown panic attacks. My head was saying ''You're a Paedophile that's in denial'' then then the tingling in my groin area started etc and ran out of the park because i thought i was a danger to children. I even had to stay away from younger members of the family due to the same reaction and broke down in tears quite often because i thought to myself ''How could thoughts like that even enter my mind when i'm supposed to be a role model not a vile bastard?''. I eventually plucked up the courage to see a therapist where i told her everything and she said you're not a paedophile and i let the biggest sigh of relief out as finally knew what this problem was all along. It destroyed my identity, my sexuality as i kept having to reassure myself of my previous crushes who were my age or older. Still attracted to a middle aged woman as of now,

@draoi99

8 ай бұрын

​@@jaggassYes. It happened because you're a good person who really cares about children and worries (too much) about their safety.

@jaggass

8 ай бұрын

To manage this i meditate not reassure myself etc and think about other things. We're capable of doing it and it's about applying those techniques. I used to be able to do lots of stuff but one step at a time.

@NathanSkiles

7 ай бұрын

​@@jaggassplease if you could

@NathanSkiles

7 ай бұрын

​@@jaggassIs there any way we can talk I'm dealing with the same thing I don't know what to do anymore I need someone who know what I'm talking about

me crying when you said "you are not a danger" 😭 i just found your channel... thank you.

@user-zf1gq5ib1m

4 ай бұрын

Same Here😭😭😭

I think one of the biggest triggers for me, was a bit more than a year ago I was binge-watching a true crime youtuber who was talking about this really unsettling case. She talked about a case where this horrid mother in law who was racist, didn’t like her daughter’s husband because he was a different race. And so, when they had a kid, the in law decided to make up allegations that the husband mxlested the grandkid. He hadn’t, of course, but the true crime youtube reported that to beat the allegations, he apparently had to undergo a screened test where he was shown multiple images of regular pornography as well as stuff with kids, to prove this allegation’s legitimacy. My stomach dropped hearing that, just because of how violating and humiliating that sounded, having to be monitored in a room of 4 or 5 people, constantly looking at your genitals for any groinal response that suggests arousal. A test, that essentially decides whether or not you’re a pedophile. It sounds so violating to even have to entertain something like that, but obviously the dad passed. The racist in law ultimately murdered the dad when she didn’t get him jailed like she wanted. OCD made me question if I was in his shoes, accused with allegations like that, and that any groinal response could dictate whether or not you’re labeled a pedophile from then on…it just sounds so f’d up, and terrifying. I would never do anything to a child of that I can be sure. Having groinal responses-especially in that scenario-just sounds like the ultimate betrayal of one’s own body. It’s like if victims of S.A. experience an orgasm even if they didn’t want to. It’s a cruel and humiliating reply of one’s person, an experience that goes against all of your morals. It still messes with me

Literally, I sobbed the whole time watching this video. It just made me feel so understood. thank you👏

as a trans person that struggles with POCD where at one point a few years ago i wouldn’t leave my house, the whole fear mongering from conservatives about pride parades and trans people being a danger to children is extremely triggering to me. i have to constantly remind myself i am not my thoughts and i am not a danger, but god, it’s so fucking hard. i’ve also got autism and my special interest is horror movies. i always imagine my various OCD themes as a horror movie monsters that I have to defeat, and like all horror movie monsters, they just keep coming back; POCD specifically is Freddy Krueger. If you’ve ever seen A Nightmare on Elm Street, the key to beating Freddy Krueger is to rob him of his power. That’s how Nancy defeats him, and that’s part of why I love Nancy and love that movie so much, because it’s helped me through a very rough patch in my life while dealing with OCD. I do the same thing as Nancy. “I know you too well now… I take back every bit of energy I gave you. You’re nothing. You’re shit.” - Nancy Thompson

This is one of the roughest ones to have because you can’t talk to anyone without fear and personal danger of being reported for no reason.

Respect ++ for covering such a sensitive topics. Love you

Im 31 years old and im having horrible struggle with POCD am it feels like im in living hell. I feel i don't deserve anything i don't deserve happiness because of my thoughts. I've delt with this a bit when I was younger. The What ifs are killing me from the inside. Im glad i found your video.

@Ghhghjkjk

3 ай бұрын

Hey you're not alone, my experiece started from a tramatic experience (Groinal response) interaction with children that was such a purely innonect interaction that made me question everything. I've always been good with kids up until then. Whay has made me feel better is that I actually belowve my stepdad had the same kind of reaction towards me. I also worked with a mentor who had the same intwraction with her brother. Trust me. This is sooooooo much more common than you think

❤ Chrissie 😊thank you so much for shining light on this issue with wisdom and compassion - from a grateful POCD sufferer in the UK! Love your channel, your saving lives ❤❤❤

Thank you so much for being so brave to stand up and help people like me who are struggling with this, it isn’t easy to find an OCD group in my area or a group for this theme in particular. Yes it’s difficult but I feel like if we could understand this particular theme and humanize it we’ll make a huge difference in the world. Thank you again and can’t wait for a new video on this issue 😊

I wake up every morning with my brain shouting out Peadophile it’s the f**king worst! It starts my day with absolute shame and dissociation to try so f**king hard not to think this awful stuff that I feel in every inch of my body 😞 I’ve had on and off for years! The heaviest thoughts that linger.. 😢 I’m in ERP therapy now and it’s very difficult but I’m so grateful for therapist who get it as I was so f**king ashamed! Which feeds into my Self harm anxiety 😢 I have never had kids because of this….

Sweet Sweet Chrissie Hodges.

Thank yoi for sheddling light on yhis, it has hurt me inmesnley lver the past few months and has led to an exteme downward spiral. Trying to work my way up

Thank you this really helped

Please, talk about people who are virgin that deal with hocd but before this hocd came they were genuinely sure of their sexuality, even if they got rejected and never have made sex - this is my life since hocd came to me, I'm virgin, ever I got rejected by boys but that never made me stop interesting from them, and ever find myself genuinely a straight girl 😢😢😢😢I feel so alone

Very very helpful, god bless

It's all started when I was 16,but I had a bestiality theme with a lot of a groinal responses.Now I'm 19 and have a theme about pedophilia,I don't know...The worst that now I could feel like I do want this thing,I have intrusive urges, I'm in despair...I ignored it before I saw a comment,where man thought that he has an POCD,then he revealed that he have been diagnosed with pedophilia disorder where he felt anxiety from attraction... I'm scared,before august I never had this intrusive urges, I never liked kid.I always liked my peers,and still,but now I'm wĥat if these time it is real pedophilic disorder.Please help.

@clumsygirl__

8 ай бұрын

You going too hard on yourself. Seems like your reality is pretty blurry! Try lay down and imagine kids in your head. And yourself playing with them or, buying an ice-cream or any other toy... :) BUT.... ANYTHING THAT CAN COME OUT FROM YOUR HEART! Now I know it kinda may be hard for you to imagine that, especially if your actual experience with the kids is poor. But you know, it's not always how we think it is... The saddest part about your obsession is not knowing your place actually. But observe the idea of how much you missed in your life and how the environment did not put you in the right place...IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT!!!! Try to look for a source why you feel like this. Find the anger in yourself. I'm sure you'll reveal some misfortunate situations in your life that brought you here doubting yourself!! Also, we are living in a such cold, deviated world, this bullshit seems like nothing new to me tbh..... Egoism and hedonism are always STEP ABOVE. But the right question is, ABOVE WHAT ! ! ! ;) Try reading some Philosophy. Philosophy changed my life.

Chrissie, I’m having some trouble right now. I don’t know if I have POCD or if I feae the theme itself. A month ago I had a thought while getting my child ready for bed. The thought was “I hope I don’t get the pocd theme”. I was instantly consumed with panic and anxiety because I was already in an anxious state. For days I couldn’t eat or function because I feared the anxiety I’d have if I got a thought and the mental checking. This has been my experience the last month. It’s been just a bunch of mental checking. My ocd still tries to convince me I’m awful even though I haven’t had any bad thoughts. Is this meta ocd

This saves lives.

When you said you're not a danger it was like boom she's not talking about you. Yes, you are here are the past intrusive thoughts groin response on edge anxiety and paranoid about this and other themes

Thank you chrissie🤍🤍

I haven't been diagnostic/ evaluated for OCD I love to find a specialized therapist in my area but I don't know where to start because this video and many more have checked a lot of boxes and the weird ones included I have intrusive thoughts /images that stick around I've been avoiding some of my favorite TV shows masturbation &all those silly little thoughts that slip into your mind and confuse your senses give me a sense of fear and uncertainty with a shiver and I feel like if I accept the thought going to make it worse somehow but I'm trying to be okay with the uncertainty

The problem is deeper. It's coming from judgement voices all around! ;)

I think i might have POCD, I'm scared i might be a pedo, but i don't have that many intrusive thoughts, i just look and i feel my insides and face gettin hot, while my heartbeat gets faster, i still have intrusive thougts but they feel forced, is this still POCD?

I have sexual intrusive thoughts daily and I don't know what to do. I can not talk to anyone .

@clumsygirl__

8 ай бұрын

You might wanna find a book by Sigmund Freud called Psychoanalysis.. Now you have google so you can check up on who Sigmund Freud is in case you never heard of. It will explain lots of things and introduce you to get to know yourself better.

@leahcokonougher1563

3 ай бұрын

You can talk to us. You’re normal and loved

I have been very scared of becoming that kind of person, it is all the can think about these days. I’ve started taking medication that has a numb affect, and I just dread everyday that comes by because of the thoughts.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of OCD and this theme for me, has been wondering if I’ve ever been attracted to someone who’s a minor and didn’t know. I’ve never had an intimate moments, and part of that is I’m scared either A.) No one I have a crush on would like me, or B.) the fear of not knowing their age and not wanting to come off as a creep stops me from ever introducing myself. I just turned 23 this year, and I’m a bit short for my age. I’ve pre-existing health conditions with Crohn’s Disease, and that was the catalyst for depression and anxiety too. I’m attracted to guys mostly, some women, but mostly dudes. I’ve grown up in a relatively religious upbringing and while my family and friends accept me, it wasn’t without years of hating myself, for a number of reasons. Feeling I’m too weak, like nobody would ever want to be with me; it took me until about 17 or 18 to really find a close knit group of friends I didn’t fear would leave me. Growing up with all these body and self-image issues and in the Catholic faith, I never dated any guys, and when sex-ed should’ve been taught, our school taught us, “family-life”, the heteronormative version that sex and intimacy are only for a man and his wife, and that any other version (homosexuality or out of wedlock) was to be ashamed of. So, without any healthy depictions of homosexuality in my life, I turned to viewing pornography at age 12 or 13. But then this layer of OCD came in a bit more than a year and a half ago during my senior year of college and I just felt sick to my stomach. Around this time I was also recognizing I had a porn addiction I had to address from a number of years. Nearly a decade later, I realized how much of my life I let be consumed by everything sexual. I felt like death, and wanted to be away from so many people concerned about me. It’s gotten easier, but I still haven’t told family or friends anything relating to the theme, just like 2 friends that I’ve been struggling with OCD. I like guys with cute faces who’re nerdy-guess what some would call “twinks”? Lean, and average height guys with not much facial hair, sometimes clean shaven. But I get so distressed that someone I see walking down the street that I’m attracted could be a minor cuz I can’t tell their age. And I don’t wanna go up to them and seem like I’m harassing them, and it scares me to death. I recently started going to the gym too for the first time, and while I was there one of my first sessions, some guy came up to me and asked me if I needed help. He looked to be no older than 15/16 and so that made me uncomfortable (I know some people can look younger than their years. Clean shaven I look 5 years younger. But the gym has a policy that anyone as young as 13 can sign up to join the gym with a guardian’s signature, so that was in my mind), yet I still accepted his help and his suggestions. Part of me was caught off guard by someone not even with the gym coming up to help, and why me of all people? I don’t know how old he was, and he came up trying to help me 2 other times, and eventually I messaged the gym’s support that someone was trying to help me during a workout and it made me a bit uncomfortable. Intrusive thoughts started kicking into overdrive too, “did he like me? Is it appropriate that I found him trying to assist me cute? Can/Should I even think that way if I didn’t know his age?” The shame from that interaction alone makes me feel awful, and I wonder if I did the right thing. I feel like I’m losing myself, and constantly policing my thoughts and emotions can steal a whole day away. I am-and have been-receiving regular bi-weekly counseling for more than a year now, and it’s helped, but my thoughts still feel like my fault. It’s rough because so often I think to myself, “I could be there to console anyone in my life that such a thing could be affecting,” but the minute it’s my case, I’m branding myself a terrible person. 😰😭😞

@trevatkinson5423

27 күн бұрын

Think about the last part you said, and treat yourself as if you were anyone else. You would never tell someone dealing with POCD that they were evil or a danger

I’ve been struggling with it since I was 13 and I’m 26 now so my therapist thinks it’s not POCD

It has been 3 years since the height of my POCD, and I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been in my life. Sharing my story here in case it’s helpful to anyone- I am a 27 year old cis male who identifies as gay or queer, having always been attracted to men and more masculine-appearing nonbinary people. My POCD has followed suit, with the focus being boys, and I have no history of being sexually abused. I don’t know when my POCD began. I’ve had it as long as I can remember, which used to scare me because people in these forums can usually point to a specific incident or time when it started. I’ve also dealt with many other forms of OCD and related issues since childhood, such as the need for things to feel “just right”, intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, and more. Back then, and to this day, I find myself aesthetically drawn to certain people. I have always had a sense of what is nice looking to me, in any gender and any age, but especially men/boys. This really messed with my head as I got older, because I would mistakenly believe that appreciation meant sexual attraction. It got really bad in late 2019 and early 2020. I was spending hours upon hours each day researching, ruminating, testing myself, even coming up with hypothetical scenarios to see how my body and mind would react. One interesting aspect of my POCD is that I was never worried about doing something harmful. I knew for a fact I would never have sexual contact with a child, and even if I suddenly developed the desire to, I knew my values were strong enough to deter me. Rather, the anxiety behind my POCD centered on having an attraction to minors in the first place- what it said about me as a person, the rejection it might bring, the implications for my life, etc. Whenever I considered seeing an OCD specialist, I would think “Aren’t they biased? Aren’t they going to assume I have POCD even if I don’t?” What I believe now is that everyone is biased, OCD specialist or not, but mental health providers who aren’t trained in OCD are extremely biased to believe someone is a MAP when they aren’t. In July of 2021, I started an anti-anxiety medication (escitalopram) for the first time in my life. It was absolutely life changing for my social anxiety and helped a decent amount with my OCD as well. About 6 months later in January 2022, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in OCD. Two years later, I still don’t have a definitive answer as to whether I’m attracted to minors or not, and that no longer bothers me. I accept the fact that it could be true, and go about my life as usual. I still have groinal responses sometimes, but they no longer mean anything to me. For example, I’ve had a groinal response to a picture of an anthropomorphized dog before, and I know I’m not sexually attracted to dogs. I understand now that it’s not as black and white as it once felt. I still find some kids good looking aesthetically, but that no longer makes me feel like a monster. I have no sexual desire toward children, and I genuinely feel like if that desire developed, I’d be okay- I would find a way to cope with it. Medication and therapy are not for everyone, but they were instrumental for me in reaching the place I am today. The other major factor, I believe, was learning more about the MAP community and trying to empathize with rather than distance myself from MAPs. In societies all around the world, and even in these forums, MAPs are so often vilified and mischaracterized. I have come to embrace the fact that thoughts and feelings do not equate to behavior, and that what defines someone’s character is their actions, not something internal. “MAP” and “Pedophile” are not synonymous with child abuser. With all of that said, my two recommendations would be: 1. Find a mental health provider who specializes in OCD and is familiar with POCD 2. Give yourself permission to let this be the end of your research for today. It doesn’t have to be your last time ever, but I encourage you to take a break and go do something that brings you fulfillment Please feel free to email me for the long version or for support in general- connor8752@yahoo.com

The girl in the bed next to me has that same cup.. what if she had this also and we could talk about it just as easy. All I got is you.

I'm 17 and I suffered with pocd after having hocd. After pocd I suffered from trans ocd and now I am suffering from hocd again

@thegodofwar9369

4 ай бұрын

Same I’m 17 as well and all the ocds that you have are affecting me as well so you are not alone.

@johnathanblackmon8017

2 ай бұрын

i’m also 17 and have had the same ones as you

Saw

Being exploited or molested isn’t something children ask for Either

😢😢

I struggled watching 😢

@jaggass

8 ай бұрын

OCD the worst thing to have,

Is it fair to say necrophelia and Beastiality and incest are worse … doesn’t seem right to me ~ but because it’s all mixed in there it tries to normalize it and how sad that snuff films I read are the same rate growing online as hentai .. scary. Heartbreaking. Kill me save a kid. Idc. Not for sex with a kid… my dead body idc. Gross. I feel the punishment for having the thoughts not deserving happiness or another baby.

@artbylcj392

8 ай бұрын

I’d say bestiality is around the same since most animals are about as intelligent or as sentient as child. Idk what to say about necrophillia. Incest is scary too cause it’s people who know trust and love you. It’s all very disturbing.