Caring too much can wear a person out. In my experience, trying to help too much has made people resent me because I made the situation about me wanting to see them "better" according to what I thought was " better". I didn't even realize what I was doing, being overbearing.

@nd8610

4 жыл бұрын

Granny, Same with me. You and I seem to put a lot into relationships. We are really hard to come by. Most people don't care. I aim to please but also want to be pleased. I am showing people the way to be as well as meaningful in what I do. People don't want to catch on. It's a choice. You must be a great person. I will appreciate all the times you did and others didn't do for you. I feel that is my choice. 👌 Don't let them bring you down cause its too easy for us to fall for it if we don't take the time to look and notice how we are treated and if it is acceptable. Lots of times it is not acceptable. We have to be true to ourselves.

@nd8610

4 жыл бұрын

Granny, me too. We mean well and they cant take it, so what. We at least gave a sh-t for people when they didn't even care about themselves.

@bls837

4 жыл бұрын

You inspire me. I feel you have been down a long road with this one and came out with dignity and sanity. Bless you for sharing your words.

@FigaroHey

4 жыл бұрын

It's great you have that insight. Love is willing the good of the other person. But first, we have to discern the TRUE good of the other person. We have to realize, 'This other person is OTHER. He or she is NOT ME.' And then you have to listen - a lot, silently, openly - and MAYBE you'll have the insight to realize what's truly good for them and be able to help with that. But we always have to respect the other person as OTHER. They are - as Dr Carter says - responsible for themselves. They have to decide. I've found - after some 30 years working with young adults - that most people don't want advice 'what to do,' even if they ask for that. And most people don't want to be rescued and shown 'what I would do is what you should do.' Most people actually know what they want; they know how they want the situation they are in to resolve; and deep down, they know the hard steps they might have to take to make that situation come about. I ask all the time, 'Well, what do you think?' Especially when they say, 'I don't know what to do?' it's much more efficient to say, 'What are some things you know you CANNOT do to resolve this?' than to throw out ten ideas that I think might work. Helping them list all the ways they simply CANNOT deal with this situation for whatever reason, allows them to narrow down their options to the point that you say, 'Well, what's left that you CAN do to resolve this? Is there any small first step you can take here?' They will almost always supply it. And if they don't - be silent, because they may be wrestling with accepting something like, 'I've got to give up on my mother and simply separate' or 'I've got to accept that this is not what I should be pursuing and make a major change in my studies/career goals' or 'I've got to admit my problem and get professional help.' The best thing you can possibly do for people is LISTEN. Listen openly, non-judgementally, and SILENTLY in the sense that your brain is quiet; you're not thinking of all the 'help' you can give and the one-and-only solution that you're going to provide. You are just OPEN, receiving, listening. Maybe ask a question that helps them clarify ('Now, I'm confused; why is that not an option in your situation?') and accept what they say. Most people just need to work through their chaotic thoughts that are all blended up with emotions and conflicting values and attachments... Just LISTEN, be that person who has all the time in the world and is never busy and has nothing better to do than just being here, LISTENING, for as long as it takes. You'll quickly be able to discern the difference between the people who deep down know what they must do and have the courage to do it, versus the people who will just complain and complain and never see their own responsibility for themselves and their lives and take some steps in the right direction. Let go of the ones who are just a hamster spinning that same wheel of 'Poor me and my sad situation; it's everyone else's fault.' Be there for the ones who are truly taking responsibility for their lives and just need someone to LISTEN, truly hear who they are and where they are. At the end, you may just give them a hug and say, 'I'll pray for you.' They have to do it themselves. But just by listening so openly and with true concern, you do them a world of good and they grow into themselves instead of being an automaton marching to your orders.

@kathidau2869

3 жыл бұрын

Figaro Hey! WISE ADVICE & IDEAS. I’m usually one sharing with people what I’ve been through and what worked for me.. or what I’ve read and trusted the suggested advice would help them. I really want to just LISTEN.. but feel like I “should” share with them, some options they haven’t thought of. But I like what you basically said. Have them come up with their own solutions, and know the difference about what they can fix, themselves.. and what they can’t. Anyway.. I’m going to really try to use these questions.. along with just trying to LISTEN.. without any suggestions.

A good therapist told me, "We are to be responsible to other people but not responsible for them."

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Well stated. Dr. C

@jamesrobiscoe1174

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter I'm glad you approve. The distinction made an enormous change in my understanding and personal situations. I like to help people but I must also recognize my limits and not be afraid to say so.

I care too deeply, but I wouldn’t say I am an empath. My problem is still caring long after the person has demonstrated their disdain for me and/or my concern.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Time to start figuring out boundaries. Dr. C

@angelashock9837

5 жыл бұрын

I am in therapy, so maybe that is where we are heading.

@karamlevi

5 жыл бұрын

Also the 3/1 guide line can help sometimes. When I get bad mojo from someone n I am conscious I can do three activities for me n then 1 for them... OR, I could think about myself 3 times before I indulge in thinking about them 1 time... If 3/1 is too hard try 1/1. If 3/1 is too much attention to them try 5/1 or 10/1... I even have done 3 days for me and 1 day “with/for” them. I say this as one who’s suffered from abandonment feelings / codependency/ over fixation on others as I was highly trained in this as a kid n it happens as a habit with me so a ratio tool has helped me be healthier. It really works for sexual relationships where energy can get soo strong soo quickly. It’s like a pressure release value. Hope it helps. Dr Les’s channel is such a nice vibe n good learnings all around from him as a great co/leader and us subscribers, co/learners, too. A great model for what healthy exchanges look like exudes here. Gratitude 🙏🏽

It’s about balance and boundaries. I’m finally learning.

@eloisesjohnson28

2 жыл бұрын

I hear you, Kay. Boundaries are a lifetime work for me.

I understand this perfectly, I wanted so much to resolve things with people that I would keep going back to them hoping things would be different between us. When I discovered my kindness and gifts were only causing the narcissists to think they had more power over me, I realized nothing I could do no matter how good or kind would make any difference, in fact it actually fed the ego of the narcissist. Then is when I knew I was hopeless to make a difference so I walked away. Even my good deeds were twisted to appear stupid, there didn't seem to be any reason to continue with these people. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to fix bad relationships, its better just to move on to others who do not act like this. The Lord brought me wonderful relationships outside of family that will always be my friends because they are loving, kind and full of joy.

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

Oh, I see! Me too! I did the same thing with my Narc sister! Every time I read a post of yours, I connect with you SO much! I tried to find your book. Where can I buy it? Good to see you here again - I really like you.

@gwendolynwehage6336

5 жыл бұрын

@@OceanSound100 The name of my book is "Narcissism: Second Timothy Three is Here." by Gwendolyn Wehage. It can be found on Amazon, Barns and Noble and also on Ebay.

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

@@gwendolynwehage6336 I could not find it on eBay but saw it on Amazon. I read a bit about it on Amazon. I was going to do my book based on Christian beliefs too because how can we not. I see your book is based on it a lot and I agree. I am Christian too.

@gwendolynwehage6336

5 жыл бұрын

@@OceanSound100 Yes, since I am a Christian I want to base everything I think about this matter of narcissism on the Bible. The term "Narcissism" is not in the Bible, it comes from Greek Mythology but the concept of excessive self love is in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3. Even the seculars get some things right in their observances even if they don't always have the right solutions. We can all see the behavior and effects of narcissism in our culture, its on steroids today because of the 40 years of self esteem teaching in the schools. Our generation is so full of themselves they are difficult to reason with. I call this the "irrational" generation.

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

@@gwendolynwehage6336 It has become so out of control I agree. All the selfies and obsession with looks along with the disregard for others is painful - absolutely! My Narcissistic brother and I had a bad discussion on email the past week and it is over with us now. My heart hurts pretty much from it. I have to get your book and stay in touch with you. I have so many books to catch up on though, but I would love to stay in touch and talk about yours. I saw you on another channel but forgot which one it was. KZread is fascinating with so much information. New times for sure. The Aquarian Age is here! Take care of yourself!

Is not okay to care about those who hurt you, try to manipulate you, and try to use you. Caring for everyone else is okay.

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

How do you turn it off though?

@robinmartin7835

5 жыл бұрын

Peaceful Warrior Care ... from a distance.

@patmanchester8045

5 жыл бұрын

you can care about some one who is trying to ruin your life. You need to understand them enough to stay away from them. You can forgive them but never forget. forgiveness ( caring to only that point) does more for you than them.

@ssellers1870

5 жыл бұрын

@@patmanchester8045 Exactly!

@Suedetussy

5 жыл бұрын

This sums everything up. 😁👍

I cared alot about people especially in a relationship but nobody cares about me at all,I wish I had some one that cares as much as I do.

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

I get what you're saying. Sometimes there is a loneliness when you are deeply devoted to tenderness. Dr. C

His messages always make me connect with my self worth...I can't forget that it's ok to like me too ;-)

@thereseservais924

3 жыл бұрын

Amen !

@MS-mi1jk

2 жыл бұрын

We need a daily reminder on our cells for just that.

@filipegoncalves1801

Жыл бұрын

Feel it.

For years I went to therapists and was told that I care too much, but I never could hear what their suggestion was to not do that. I am able to hear you Dr Carter and I thank you from the bottom of my caring heart.

Be The Observer 🕊 Never Absorb 💫

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

HOW. Seriously. HOW?

@nanabusterd

5 жыл бұрын

Good advice.

@watcherwlc53

5 жыл бұрын

@@fingerprint5511 sometimes just keeping that thought in mind (when you are going through something with someone you would usually absorb from), will help you begin to re-shape your thinking

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

@@watcherwlc53 you won't believe this but I was just reflecting on the mind and how corrupted it is with negativity and this alert from you appeared. Blessings for you and thank you 🙂🙏

@mytwosense5223

4 жыл бұрын

so true, ...challenging to do in the moment though. I made the same point earlier about the news. That we should watch but not get emotionally sucked in

I have healer’s disease ( codependency ) I am an empath 98 percent empathetic my experience is that i live in a world where people are threatened, isolated and indifferent it is a lonely world i realize that people are not going to like me and i am able to accept that i am still seeking like minded people thank you for this video Dr C

@Alphacentauri819

5 жыл бұрын

Deborah Carroll I hear you. In the last couple weeks I have had epiphanies and moments of transcendence. It’s been extraordinary and I had bliss and felt love, like I’d always been seeking in others. Part of my connecting and feeling in relation to others, when it was Codependent...was actually a cry to reconnect to myself. We often become disconnected from what we need in order to try to meet others needs. A true healer is connected to themself, authentic, treats themselves as they would a small child (kindness, no negative internal dialogue loops, good pure nutrition, enough outside time, adequate sleep, time to create, enough exercise and outside time)...then they actually can be healing and have good boundaries in place. Codependents often are seeking to control and have unresolved trauma...it takes some digging, but is there. Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie, is one of the best books. Another great resource on KZread is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson. She’s changed my life. More revelations than from multiple counselors over the decades. Eckhart Tolle is a great resource too. I am a recovered Codependent, who has empathy, but firm boundaries in place...with no need for anyone else to meet my needs or approve of me. I love myself and am living in the present, limiting expectations to very basic... it is revolutionary and empowering. Blessings🌸

@joec1212

5 жыл бұрын

I have found that bible studies are a great way to connect with other quality empathic people. Ours usually makes plans to hang out with each other and do fun things. There are great people out there, you just have to know the places to find them. Volunteering is also another great way to meet people. Oftentimes we are so busy with our own lives(or should be) that we dont have a ton of time for anyone else, but the little spare time we do have can be spent with other good people. I feel one of lifes huge lessons is learning to be comfortable walking alone, and also of letting go.

@allonesea

5 жыл бұрын

I am an empath too. The hardest bridge to cross is self-acceptance. We just have to find a way to love ourselves. No one understands us fully. We must understand ourselves and love ourselves no matter what.

@ourtravelingzoo3740

5 жыл бұрын

Where does one go to be assigned a % of empath?

@gammalight1312

5 жыл бұрын

@Deborah Carroll, I found the Myers-Briggs personality test gave clarity to my social aptitude. Give it a shot and i do feel right in saying to recommend it to others :) And remember, you're not alone, it's just that other like minded, are shy

My favorite guy on KZread! You are a blessing!

@elizabethhogarth8266

4 жыл бұрын

I agree.

@mirelaruf6481

4 жыл бұрын

I agree too

@joannkouba1633

3 жыл бұрын

I agree....... ♥️

I had to retrain my mind not do things based solely on other folks reaction, you do not have to agree with everybody 👌

@peppertree8244

5 жыл бұрын

Exactly! Too many people forget that WE CAN RETRAIN OURSELVES. We can accomplish so much that way including balance and self esteem.

Dr. Les, you are right on! Um, except on one point. Empaths are not just people who feel compassion for other people and care too much. It is deeper than that. Empaths literally feel the other persons feelings. Empaths need to learn to distinguish between their own feelings and the feelings of others around them that they are absorbing. There are no handbooks around to teach us this and how to block out others feelings. It is very confusing and frustrating for empaths, which is why we do better in an isolated location. However, learning boundaries is IMPERATIVE!! I found the book "Boundaries" (when to say yes, how to say no) by Drs. Cloud and Townsend to be a very valuable, easy to understand guide on how to develop and maintain healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr. "Let" for all of your videos, they've really helped me a great deal and I can assure you sir, you are doing us a great service!!!! God Bless!!!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Yes to what you say. BTW, a couple of weeks ago I recorded a podcast with Henry Cloud. Not sure when or where it will be aired, but if you are on his podcast list, keep an ear out. Dr. c

@johnjoyner9982

4 жыл бұрын

Yes let me on the bus let that was the best story ! You thik smart and loving and show us how to not . Be used like a supply . !.

@rhondajones6219

3 жыл бұрын

Yes! This is great Lori Buonamici! I believe empaths have a gift and it's to pray for the person when we feel the pain. Then I ask God to cleanse me of it, and I usually feel ok after a bit. It's not the easiest gift, but a needed one in this world-and what a blessing for others who need empathy, which is practically non existant today.

@hildagreyling5707

3 жыл бұрын

@@rhondajones6219 Thank you for your comment, to feel with other people, you even have their feelings and feel their pain, and you will have to give it over to God and leave it at His feet.

@davisholman8149

3 жыл бұрын

@@rhondajones6219 iINFJ, Sigma, Empath - it is very difficult - my children primarily & grandchildren - I have health issues now & can’t FIX everything.😞

I've never taken a survey but it seems like children who were never allowed boundaries are the adults more sensitive to needing to please somebody else, to "feel" that oneness through being overly empathetic. This video, in my opinion, is wonderful for making that clear.

@Alphacentauri819

5 жыл бұрын

Judy Lee very true. I’ve been following this channel and several others. One that has spoken to childhood issues, trauma, and how it affects our adult connection and attachment...is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson (also on KZread) She has changed my life! My thinking has changed and I feel so empowered now. It’s a process, so I’ll keep at it. Recovering Codependent here😬 Blessings 🌸

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

Sending you positive vibes for your personal building. We're all works in progress, so you are not alone in that. Thank you for sharing. @@Alphacentauri819

I have come a long way in my 60 years on this planet, but I was raised that I had to care. My mother would guilt trip me with tears and crying saying "you don't love me" if I went out with friends as a college and young adult. I was guilted into having to "care" for her to my own detriment. I am learning not too care for those who have taken advantage of my "caring"

I care and I am too kind and other people use me . Sometimes is better to put yourself first.

I realized how much listening to you has helped me when I recently was able to handle a normally traumatizing experience with calm detachment, civility and grace. Thank you for making a difference

@jo-annahicks3324

5 жыл бұрын

What a wonderful breakthrough!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, and thanks for sharing this! Dr. C

I've spent many years caring more about other people than myself. I would put my whole life aside for them helping them take care of their issues their self conflicting emergencies. Somewhere along the line I discovered that I forgot to live my life. Yes I care about people, Yes I love people, Yes I can feel what they're feeling. That helps me as a Holistic Practitioner. After all these years I did finally learn one thing. If someone has an issue with me, it's their issue not mine.

@jo-annahicks3324

5 жыл бұрын

Well said!

Pretty good advice. Did that for years, until I got wise. The only problem now is that it affected me so much, I have pretty much shut everyone out. I spend most of my time alone these days. But, as the Buddha says: "Better to walk alone than dwell amongst fools'".

@johnjoyner9982

4 жыл бұрын

Me too.!

@rachelatkinson7174

3 жыл бұрын

The people in front of you are not necessarily fools. You just have to retain a knowledge of self when dealing with others.

I just ordered your book "When pleasing you is killing me". I can't wait to get it and start reading it! Thanks!!!

@Le60o

5 жыл бұрын

You are going to love the book ... it became my bible .. hope it brings you as much as it gave me 🙏

@sherrim4067

5 жыл бұрын

I learned so much from that book, it's a great read and re-read.

@karenharris2183

5 жыл бұрын

Me too I want this book, love this guy

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

so lessen is what ?

Trying to always make others happy and keeping peace can really ware you out..been there for years..now learning about a NARCISSIST I am so much better, thank you Dr. Carter you have helped me so much...💜

When someone Tries to insult you by telling you that your too caring.. I luhv you

That's my husband always saying...I dont care. I told him he's suppose to care. He says that does not work for me. He tells me i care too much. He tells me I'm insecure too. But my contribution to the world is make people feel important.

@davisholman8149

3 жыл бұрын

Virgie - that is a wonderful quality (I don’t care what anyone says, LOL😜). As long as you seek friendships with those who in turn care that YOU feel important. They are out there - even if you have to hunt for them.💕

@Venus.actor.singer

3 жыл бұрын

@@davisholman8149 thank you. I need to hunt for them, you're right because I don't. Lol 😆. Hahaha! I need to go out there and mingle.

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

you care for your useless ego ...... just problem with that, if you cared for most bigger purpose than you were worthy to have with.

@Venus.actor.singer

Жыл бұрын

@@davisholman8149 i must hunt for them. I agree.

@Venus.actor.singer

Жыл бұрын

@@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude i don't understand what you mean. What ego are you talking about and what bigger purpose are you talking about? Please be specific. You seem out of topic.

True! Grew up where boundaries weren’t respected, but working hard now to learn what that balance is - thanks Dr C

I often wonder how I am the way that I am, growing up with a narcissistic mother and an abusive household. I care so much for people and I think I fall into both the empth category and I do sometimes care too much. I've always said being the sensitive, caring, loving person that I am, is more of a curse than a blessing. It gets you hurt way too much and people take advantage. I'm flawed in having a hard time finding balance. Thank you Dr. Carter for this video and I hope I can do a better job at finding balance in the future.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

If you have to have a flaw, this isn't the worst. I get what you are saying, Shelly. Keep grinding it out! You're an inspiration. Dr. C

@TheAncksunamen

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter Thank you so much. ❤

@jg5930

5 жыл бұрын

Exactly! I’m practicing saying “No” & setting boundaries. It’s hard to change a lifetime habit. 😪

Compassion. Sometimes it is best to be a less than perfect example. Our narcissistic traits work so often towards "looking good" or "perfectionism* --- these are caring too much about what others think and see. 🌿🐡

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Good way to put it! Dr. C

It’s so hard to care too much when u feel so deeply!

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

fuc^ that deepness ..... lol

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

fuc^ that deepness ..... lol

It's hard to find that balance between caring to the point of codependency and coming across as aloof or uncaring. It's taken me years of self work and I still have to put myself in check sometimes. When I'm about to go out of my way in caring for someone else, I will sometimes stop and ask myself, "If our situations were reversed, would this person do this for me?" If the answer is yes, then I will do for them. If the answer is no, then I rethink it. I still may help them, if I really want to do it. But, if the answer is no and it's not something I really want to do for them, I don't do it. Similarly, when I'm leaning toward aloof and uncaring, I ask myself if the other person would be more caring and involved for me. If the answer is yes, I step up to be more helpful. If the answer is no, then I don't worry that I may be perceived as aloof. I think this approach has helped me weed out the unsafe people in my life, which you spoke about last week (I think it was last week). My friends may be few, but they are awesome. That's not something I could have said years ago.

@MsLibertyorDeath

5 жыл бұрын

By the way, this goes for listening as well as actions. I won't let someone who wouldn't give me the time of day dump all of their negative emotions on me.

@dasein9980

5 жыл бұрын

@@MsLibertyorDeath good rule. I wonder if Dr. C approves?

@MsLibertyorDeath

5 жыл бұрын

@@dasein9980 I don't know but it works for me. There was a time that I moved from one codependent relationship to the next and I was always doing things for "friends." When I was at my lowest and neediest, I learned who my true friends are. No one that I had tried to "save" was among them.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Ok...I'm weighing in. I'm ok with what Auntie Madder is saying. If you detect the other person is not willing to invest in the relationship, then it makes no sense to try to make it happen anyway. To be called a relationship, it needs to be a two way street. Dr. C

Let's put it this way, I isolate myself and spend long hours alone. I rarely see anyone however, The Internet I can get trapped on as everyone messages me with their problems I've had to put a time limit on this otherwise I tend to get stuck helping all day. It used to be every night but slowly reduced that. Yes, I had narcissistic parents and I am aware something isn't right as my health gets affected but how yo stop, how to be self involved. ... the issue is either stay as I am or become like my parents and no one else matters. I'm searching for the middle road. I'll find it I hope!

@robinmartin7835

5 жыл бұрын

Peaceful Warrior Yes, there is a middle road. We just have to find and try to stay on it. ❤️

@dasein9980

5 жыл бұрын

How is your health affected?

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

@@dasein9980 anxiety, self sabotage, self abandonment, aches and pains, low energy, guilt, shame, confusion. But I'm aware and work with it.

@tamko9563

5 жыл бұрын

@@fingerprint5511 I have developed health problems while dealing with a narcissistic person as well. Very possible. Many of the ones that you mentioned.

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

just need to manipulate parents/evil people, nothing more

I find it nearly intolerable when I explain how I feel to someone, and they don't get it at all. That in congruence in difference of thinking. It's so frustrating! Cause I so need to be heard and understood, and I had my thoughts and feelings brushed off as a child. My last boyfriend was like that, he couldn't comprehend anything I said, unless is was simple and basal. We broke up. My narcissist though, understood me before I even spoke (or I thought he did, cause it was like he was in my head). I HAVE cared too much. I'm listening closely to what you say there, that it says more about them than about me. I'm also finding it safest to be on my own right now. It's the most healingest thing I can do I think, and watch lots of educational stuff like your videos. I have been called an angel in the past, and that made me realize, I DO go out there and try to heal people.

I'm an Empath and I'm sick and tired of the not good side of it! Thxs Dr. Carter! 😊

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

why are you proud of being empath .... empaths are not newton ! or not intelligently make any scientifically contribution to mankind !

Dr. C. You are my hero. Thanks for the words or wisdom this morning.

@johnjoyner9982

4 жыл бұрын

Everyday !

I'm an empath I used to care too much what my bestfriend was feeling and experiencing. I felt like it was my responsibility to make her feel better or fix the situation. eventually it drained me. I started to ignore her messages. I guess unconsciously I though that if I push people away I will be able to take care of myself. we haven't talked in a month. we have been bestfriends for 18 years.

@bens5496

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, I have the same situation but other way round.

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

fuc^ freinds ...... just learn not to care, about anything ! and be happy because too much caring people are always unhappy, not in peace ... !

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

I though that if I push people away I will be able to take care of myself. at least you care for yourself ... most people don't care about their mental health ever !

"Don't be afraid of your aloneness. Don't be afraid of your singularity of thought and physicality." ♥

7:03 Point 1 You are unique, just as others are unique. 8:07 Point 2 While it nice to have convergence, it is not necessary. 8:57 Point 3 sometimes you have to go solo 9:44 Point 4 others' rejection and disapproval is more about them 10:31 Point 5 In our humanity, we'll not always going to be on same page. 11:22 Dignity, respect, civility Yes, I love the video. Self responsibility is a must for a health individual. It is important to care about others but not to the detriment of your own health. Healthy self comes first. You cannot give from an empty cup. I learnt that lesson not to alter self, being your authentic self without fear and not change your self to the point you are not your self, are afraid to be your self.

This makes me think of Brene Brown's "Braving The Wilderness" - belonging to a group is nothing compared to the authenticity and strength that comes from belonging to yourself. nothing can take it away. thank you, this is beautiful and so needed.

I may not say it enough .. Thank you Dr C .... I’ve learned to step back and look at the bigger picture .... puts things in better perspective for me , so I don’t care so much ... I was guilty of this years ago ..

One of the common threads I’ve noticed between narcissists is that they take matters of taste or opinion and insist their view is the only right one (they may even say it’s a fact). It could be taste in music or opinions about politics, but when you feel a narcissist is trying to “bully” you into agreeing, make sure you stand up for your own self. Even if it’s just in matters of taste like food or music, tell them you disagree and don’t let them attempt to make you lose your own self.

Amen Dr. Carter! I'm grateful for your healthy teaching.

Thanks Dr.Carter, I've realized that I have been feeling Terrible All Summer, because I agreed to sign up for a course which I Really Don't want to do, Just to make someone can else feel Valued and Happy...I feel Sick with Stress because of it, So I've now decided Not to do it, and just take whatever comes...It was meant to be Something that would be nice for me, but I have several Chronic Illnesses, And also have Social Anxiety, So being trapped in a room full of Strangers every day, would be My idea of Hell.

I had a psychopath say that to me once about caring what others think. They just wanted me to release my inhibitions so they could get what they wanted from me. True lesson.

Caring is not a bad thing.. you just need boundaries.. thank you..love your videos.. they have been very helpful

From the place and family i grew up with, i never thought that good people ever existed. No one in my family and relatives has ever talked to me about the truths of self and life in general, not even in school i studied with. Its awful and so painful. While the basic needs are important like food, shelter and clothing, it did not help me know that i have a self and that i am valuable because i grew up feeling like i'm nothing. Now i realized that there are indeed good people out there. I am glad that a person like you Dr. C existed in this world we live in. Thank you for all that you do to heartily uplift humankind.♥️

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

same thing happens over and over ...... with emapathetic people

Thanks for pointing out the "tipping point" from empathy to too much empathy.

Les I have taken Two points out of this message a) won't curb my likes out of fear of what the other person perhaps doesn't like b) being honest with myself such as if I feel, key word "insecure" and changing my mind and coming across as deceitful Now I know why I have made this mistake many times as I couldn't put my finger on it till now Kind regards

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

It's so encouraging when I learn the videos prompt an awakened mind. Dr. C

I discovered that someone can interpret caring to much at some point as much as telling them they cant or wont take care of themselves. They become difficult .. resistant .. and eventually reject your interference. All meant with the best of intentions, not controlling or over the top, it did leave me with uncertainty, hurt as well as many months of silence between us after a close 30 year friendship .

My husband is SO HEALTHY. He absolutely does not care about what anyone thinks, feels, or wants. As long as it doesn’t effect him. Amen.

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

but you care so much ......... lol

This is me! I own my own problems and others’ problems. It’s not good.

Many years ago, a woman at the job asked me why am I so nice. I said, maybe its my nature. She picked up a file folder and hit me so hard, i was shocked. i was so young and did not understand that narcs existed

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

I guess in her world, nice was an unknown. Dr. C

@CassieDavis613

5 жыл бұрын

Battery

I care too much!

Thanks Dr. Carter

Your Very Kind 🕊

I think it might help me if when I start thinking only of someone else's feelings, stop and ask myself..how does this make me feel? Then I can go back to how they feel.

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

Omg you rock thank you! Reading down the line of comments, finally actual substance, thank you!

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

and if it feels toxic have a planned escape route.

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

there's nothing wrong in realizing somebody's head is not healthy for your own.

It sounds to me, like that Woman, is actually jealous of who you are, and how people admire you. Also, it sounds as though they were brought up in a very harsh environment, where to show vulnerability, meant "punishment" of some sort, so they learnt to show none. You do some very important work Dr C. I, myself have been in a fairly wounded place, at times...and I watch you, with your calm, balanced, sensible, but caring manner...and I feel replenished, and validated.....empowered to know I'm on the right track. When you have people gaslighting you, it's so good to hear a solid voice of reason, amongst those crazy-making voices. So thank you. I, personally see your caring as a huge Blessing, and obviously, many other people do too. You may find gentle firmness is a foreign concept to a lot of people, who have been brought up with "chopping the heads off others to make themselves tall". I think you care, just the right amount, and help others to do the same.....

I care about you Dr C, for the difference you make to my life and I really appreciate you. Love you!!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Received, with gratitude! Dr. C

@mindybeen7

5 жыл бұрын

Recieved and blessed from it.

@mindybeen7

5 жыл бұрын

Narcissists prolly do not like you. I'm sorry about that, you are very helpful to the ones they hurt. We are better because of your videos soo thank you from the bottom of my 💖 heart.❣🌞🥀

I recently read a quote which read: “If ego is not your amigo, you know it stinks!” ~Unknown We do need to keep a sense of our own self-worth and stand our ground, especially with narcissists. Thank you Dr. C. Always appreciate your kindness and wisdom.

I just fell into this trap because I was afraid for my mother's safety. She was living with me and making my life a living hell, so I found her a roommate - another senior lady. Everything was going well for about 3 months until it turned out that the roommate had a diagnosed schizophrenic grandson and he would visit at random. Also the roommate began exhibiting some strange behaviours herself. So I removed my mother from the situation because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if she got hurt after I put her there. Now my life is a living hell again.

@stefaniakonstantinidou981

Жыл бұрын

Keep ur distance. Why can yt u live separately?

Wow this was another great video!

The aim is the center, isn’t it? Balance, balance, balance. Great video session.

Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter! I have struggled with this my entire life. I'm trying to learn how to overcome it. I think I learned to sense other people's feelings and care more about them than my own because it was a survival strategy for living in an abusive home in childhood. I appreciate the insight you have shared with us so much.

Too much caring is also a violation of boundaries of the other person and can be compulsive. Its always good to reflect ones own motivation. Thanks so much for all the great videos! 💖 Greetings from Germany

Dr Carter, I'm so grateful that you chose to have KZread channels. Thanks for sharing you're incredible affirming wisdom 🙏💞

Everything in moderation.

My narcissist said I loved him too much before he dumped me for the 5th time. Last time he told me I was too considerate for his feelings. Perspective on this was; it made him feel bad because he could NEVER MIRROR this convincingly.

I have to remind myself I am in this world temporarily and I can’t care too much because I get angry otherwise.

That's what I like about you, Dr. Carter, you are deeply kind and caring but one can tell that caring comes from a foundation of true strength of character. You inspire trust.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you, Esther. Dr. C

This is me to a “T”, so glad I found you Dr C after a 24 year marriage to a narc, now caring for my difficult elderly mother. I am reading “When pleasing you is killing me”. I will take the book to heart and implement the strategies and create boundaries. Blessings to you

I always thought it was a sign I was doing ok being me, but found a medium, place, not to care so much, took a while. Hope it is written clearly

It seems like this is where a lot of dysfunction comes in . Not knowing where your boundaries end . and where the other persons boundaries begin .

Wow! While pondering what kind of person I want to be, caring less about my abusive narcissist came to mind. Two seconds later this video. XOTHANKS

My narc is going through job dissatisfaction because his boss is also a narc. Go figure. I’m tired as an empath. I’m so worn out that I can’t be a “supply” anymore. I’m at the end of my rope because my narc is now depressed. Is it real or contrived behavior? Since he’s lost my input I’m officially being frozen out. Stepping back is necessary because I’ve developed an autoimmune disease and now pancreatitis and lost 20lbs. I’m too tired to fight or cry. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@carrie8643

5 жыл бұрын

Eve T Please get away from the narcissist before you are destroyed. He will drain everything out of you until you barely know who you are. Your health issues will get worse. I am speaking from years of experience after living through the narcissistic abuse cycle. Dr. Carter has numerous helpful videos and I recommend listening to Inner Integration on KZread, as well. As soon as you are away from the narc, you will begin to see things more clearly, and as you become more educated and aware, you will start on the healing path. Look up trauma bonds and enmeshment. Best of luck to you in your journey back to vitality. 🌷

@Alphacentauri819

5 жыл бұрын

Often when we are doing things that are disconnecting to ourselves...our body will scream out. Listen to your body. You need to reconnect to your own self and needs. The narc in your life is a mirror showing you the fact that you need to tune into your own needs. I’ve tuned into my own needs and felt so much bliss and love...the kind I was seeking in a relationship. Once I healed and reconnected to myself, my life transformed. On a side note, the top autoimmune docs (was just at a medical conference) say 1) cut out gluten 2) heal your gut 3) low dose naltrexone In addition, the stress hormones released in your situation...are contributing to your immune system turning in itself. Take care of you, often that means cutting out cancer in all forms (people included)... Be loyal to yourself and body. Blessings 🌸

@evet583

5 жыл бұрын

Mêlée Placid thank you. I asked my rheumatologist about LDN. He wouldn’t even listen. I haven’t been back in 3 months. Drs can be so close minded. I shouldn’t talk. I’m so stubborn.

@evet583

5 жыл бұрын

Love Prevails thank you for your kind reply. I feel so much disbelief. It’s hard to fathom any of this. Regret is an understatement. My mind is whirling with thoughts of how to get out after so many years. Praise God my children are adults and trying to get on their own feet. Soon I hope to start living again. 💕 Now I know I’m not really crazy.

@jg5930

5 жыл бұрын

Eve T Get away before your health is totally destroyed. 😪 It won’t get better only worse. They don’t change. Leave!

Dignity, Respect, Civility. Love your neighbor as you love yourself:) ❤

Whenever I feel life is getting a little overbearing I just watch your videos and feel I get my balance back again. I’m learning so much with you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. God bless you

I am an empath. I feel everyone's feelings unfortunately. I got attuned to Reiki 3 years ago. Now I do treatments on myself so I don't feel anyone's feelings at all. It's so wonderful. Other people can't have my energy either now. It means that I have to do treatments daily - but my goodness it's worth it. I am also telepathic.

You're a wonderful man,I wish I could get a balance on my feelings🌹

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

I know me too! But every full moon I turn into a werewolf;)

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

were you not allowed as a child to establish boundaries?

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

@@brusselsprout5851That is a great observation, Judy. Even teachers do not see that. When my son was in elementary school, there was a thing going on with stickers. The teacher would have a whole box of them - different pictures and different sayings. The teacher went up to my son one too many times and "tried" to stick a sticker on my son's shirt. My son delicately and without insult moved her hand away so she could not do that. What did the teacher do? She reported my son to the principal and I was called in. I simply said "No one has the right to stab a sticker on you without your permission. Maybe he did not want that sticker on him" She stared at me.

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

The right to say NO is huge. You are so correct, and not only do the schools seem to believe people don't have that right but anymore the whole systems is from that mind. Uh, yes, no is an option. Thank you for sharing this story about righteous boundaries. @@OceanSound100

@OceanSound100

5 жыл бұрын

@@brusselsprout5851 You're welcome Judy! SO many people here but I read another post of yours - you are smart! Not that I'm the judge LoL

I'm so sorry Dr. Carter. There are those who have Ph.D.'s and Doctorate's in maliciousness, complaining, insulting, etc. I appreciate your time, effort, and wisdom. Thanks for all you do. God Bless Yes, I am an overcarer. But one in recovery. )

I completely live in other people's heads. I'm correct about 90% of the time. Because it's around people i know. But every time I'm wrong i immediately admit it. I'm obsessed with the truth.

Great one Dr. C! Yet another video that should be shown in all ages of classrooms on a regular basis, (very regular!). Get it in young minds so the world ends up with better adjusted adults.

@jo-annahicks3324

5 жыл бұрын

I'll second that excellent suggestion Melanie.

@peppertree8244

5 жыл бұрын

@@jo-annahicks3324 Woo hoo!

Im definitely an empath.. your videos help me understand myself and its taught me to have boundaries.. i have to be very careful of people mistaking my kindness for weakness

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

people are build to take advantage of who aare showing themselves weak, not strong no one can take advantage of people who are always showing themselves strong/high, not weak

I like to get along, but I know I can never be held responsible for another's happiness.

God bless you Dr Carter. It does not pay to turn our sacrifices into a fool’s paradise.

Thank you Dr. Carter. I might care a lot but others do not seem to care enough. I do try to keep a balance.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, which is a good reason to keep focused on your good boundaries. Dr. C

If someones feeling humiliated It wobbles me. I jump in to divert that negative by starting a conversation about then that stimulates their values.

Dignity Respect Loving-kindness Civility (I just had to invent something for the L)

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks! Dr. C

Thank you for sharing your wisdom; I needed to hear this message today! 😊

If someone hurts you and does not feel the need to make an authentic, sincere apology, you should probably direct your care in a different direction….that person will most likely hurt you again….side note, unique is not the same as special ….Everyone is unique but no one is any more special than anyone else…. We are all different and we all have something of value to offer because we are unique…Thank You Dr.Carter!

Thanks for this video Dr. C, just in a moment when i need it. I try to do my best for others but sometimes i feel saturated and i react badly. Then i feel guilty and fear of desapproval of others. I dont know if i'm nice or ugly.

Frances Bernard here. My experience too. Thank you Dr. Carter for being a down to earth care giver who is not deluded into thinking that he needs to remold people into something they are not so they can fit in among one small crowd instead of encouraging them in their decision process while leaving that small crowd . There is no such thing as people who care too much. Instead there are people around who do not care enough while not allowing people to have opinions different than their own who are not always easy to spot right away. Their family background often does not always give a clue about who they might be. A clue may be how they hire. It is better to look for other clues. For example if you do not see diversity in their work place and for example if the only role a person wearing a Muslim head scarf there is being allowed to do is housekeeping duties there then look out. Or if one of them admits they don't like serving people with black skin as much. As soon as you see clues like that -- cut your losses early and run before they throw you onto the street and then gossip behind your back about how for example according to them it is you who is the racist one and whatever else they are up to at the time which they want to cover up instead.

Such good, common sense, gut-level values! Of course! Why shouldn't it be okay that I insist on being treated with respect and civility? Thank you, Dr. Carter!

I care about other people feel . I feel bad if I hurt people but know that sometimes being blunt can make changes . I try to balance it but I fail at times .

Not so much a 'hero role or PR mode" w me [ as a retired Rn ] was that I was / am an empath that, especially w family members, in order to relieve the anxiety that manifested in me bc of their anxiety or problems... was to be a problem solver so my own anxiety would be relieved. I could relate [ on a feeling level ] to Alzheimer's and stroke patients, which was very rewarding as a nurse. I was often left drained emotionally and physically. Family members took so much advantage of me that, after attempting to set boundaries, which failed... I just had to disengage. I was eldest of 2 alcoholics and became the parents to my other 4 siblings at the age of 8. I broke the pattern of abuse and I have 3 happy, well adjusted adult children. I need and enjoy being by myself. I love nature and animals and am happiest with them ... my husband and I have been married 10 yrs and give each other our own space. I lost me a few times.

Love this video Dr. Carter ☺! This used to be me, caring so much because I was so insecure that I did everything based on what others might think, never being able to say no, feeling horrible when I saw someone else's suffering... It made me so stressed and sick and angry. I am much better off now knowing that caring is okay and healthy as long as I am healthy. Every human being has to fight their own battle.

@mindybeen7

5 жыл бұрын

Yes but we also must share our battles and to share how we learned to recieve and comprehend help so as to help those still suffering from "battling"

Not only I saw myself thru this mirror-speech but I felt completely understood and accepted. Free for 2 years of a 35 years long "NPD" marriage, as an unsecure empath, I sometimes need to hear such things on my way to reconstruction. Thank you Dr Carter and blessings. What you say here reached my heart very deep. The freedom to be me so as God created me, and to grow in grace and dignity.

My Mnlaw is the kind of individual you spoke of she is 20yrs.inMnlaw apt. 80yrs.old We moved and she came with us! I discovered her hostile nature Bullying!Waiting1yr. Is 2020For Gov.Assist.seniorLiving😊It's been nerve wracking! 💔 😢 SweetOldLady Is 2/face! She doesn't want to move! 🙏 for 💎 🏡she likes! 💘 her over there!😊 Much appreciated counseling! I'am new found Empath understanding! Why we get hurt! Why we 👀 others not ❤😥 NatureSoothes us out of our heads!🤔😇🐦 🌼 🐝 Thanks!😃

Also narcissist care a lot what others think of them, but not in an empathic way, but in ego driven way, with lots of entitlement towards others! Great content as always! Much love&light💗

It is Good to Care too Much..You Just Got to Remember to Care About YOU Too!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Point well taken. Dr. C

I'm enmeshed and feel SOOOO guilty and plagued by thoughts of I'm responsible for how they feel. This is so what I needed today 🤗🐾

@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude

Жыл бұрын

for stable/controlled mental being : don't ever make your self feel guilty/low, but always feel higher/proud in any situation !

Thank you.

Internalizing can be torturous taking on the pain and suffering of others or silent responding intake to crossings, attacks of character and show of power of controlling narcissist. Triggers insecurity through power struggle. Getting insight is the driving force factor for an empath. So not taking it personal is key to insight awareness as well as insight trigger awareness. It’s empowering if it’s a healthy balance of discovery. Power drain stays in the pool of insecurity-self pity-re-victimization or staying stuck.