We all want to feel welcome and included, and for many of us that means looking for “our people” outside of the mainstream. What makes it safe to show up as our authentic selves? We need safety - physical, financial, social and emotional. If we are a member of a group that is scorned or persecuted, we’re not going to find that.
There is a continuum of rejection to acceptance outlined by feminist psychologist Dorothy Riddle in 1974. On the Riddle Scale, we move from repulsion, pity, tolerance and into acceptance. That is the most many of us receive but at acceptance we’re only halfway there. Some people continue up the scale to support, admiration, appreciation and nurturance, where we view differences with affection and delight and are willing to be advocates.
It costs us to be an outsider. Some of this is direct, like a queer teen kicked out of their home or being the target of bullies at school. Much of it is more subtle. As mammals we are hard wired to feel safer with the protection of a herd.
Is anyone here “like me”?
Just as others can be anywhere on the continuum from repulsion to acceptance to nurturance, people who are outside the norm have our own journey.
It begins with personal healing to deepen knowing ourselves on all levels and build a resilient nervous system. We become stronger and more accepting through our personal experience of knowing and living our own truth. We find others who are like us and experience belonging in our “found family”.
As we heal and feel at home within a subculture, our window of tolerance for being “outside the norm” widens. We (and others) begin to appreciate our uniqueness and courage.
All of us fit in and belong in some contexts and not in others. What happens in your body as you look at various ways you might feel included or excluded? Exclusion can generate a shame response. It feels like there is something inherently wrong or bad about us. We know in our conscious minds this is not true, and cultivating kindness, empathy and self- regulation help us to know this all the way through.
I fit the norm in these ways …
I am outside the norm in these ways …
What do you identify with as your personal experience?
Here are a few and there are many more: level of social anxiety, body size and abilities; social class and money; being bullied in the past; as a person of color; gender expression; heteronormativity; athletic skills or intellect; history with addiction; city/country person.
What do you not have to think about or has little emotional charge for you because you are an insider in this area? In what areas are you an outsider?
Try the inquiry in different arenas in your life. In what ways do you fit or not fit in your family, at work, with a specific friend or social group, neighborhood, or here in our online community.
“I choose to be myself in this world, a connected sovereignty, becoming free. We are all as bright, we all have access to that light. I feel hopeful, joyful, humble and reverent - it’s the best thing in the world.” Prentis Hemphill