Narcissists do not negotiate. Period. That's the relationship. Take it or leave it.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Yes. Take it or leave it, but the N will not budge. Dr. C

@pegasus5148

5 жыл бұрын

All the narc is interested in is getting "supply" from you.

@TheJeanette53

5 жыл бұрын

I wish I had access to this years ago when I was a young woman. My whole life would have been different. Thanks for posting these videos. They are indeed the best. I always wondered why I seemed to keep attracting these people. Now I know it’s because I’m just a rabbit.. I’m attracted to highly intelligent people which narcissists usually are. But now I prefer to satisfy my thirst for intellectual stimulation with KZread and relate to other rabbits.

@rlight7666

5 жыл бұрын

I heard several times if I wasn't happy I could leave. I wasn't unhappy per se. But he was so emotionally immature at 55yrs old, we couldn't a have healthy dialogue to come to some kind of resolution/understanding. He would tell me I was looking for a fair tale relationship. No just a normal healthy one. There was a total lack of empathy. I just didn't get it. So after finally ACCEPTING the fact that this would never happen, I took him up on his offer and left!

@melanieshearman4678

5 жыл бұрын

Kevin Davis I leave. My sister’s oldest has learned to blackmail me... “ If you will do this for me, then I’ll do what you ask”. I left.

I don't do this dance anymore. Even with thoughtful responses instead of "reactions," it just ends up being emotional abuse. I can't take that kind of calculated, hurtful choreography. It's like a Paso Doble, and the narc just wanted to run a sword through you at the end and garner the supply and victory. Life is too short for anyone to subject themselves to that kind of relationship. I wish I had understood this decades ago.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

good for you! Dr. C

@dirtysanchez941

3 жыл бұрын

Wow, your words are incredible. Bless you. ❤️❤️❤️

@ProductionJunction1

3 жыл бұрын

Couldn’t agree more!!!

@bereal6590

3 жыл бұрын

Very true... n.father.. yet "he loves you" ..great.. stomp all over me but this is love! Wish I'd known too 🙋🙋

@Megan6772

2 жыл бұрын

I hope you've gotten out!!

The more videos I watch, the more I realize that there's only one way to deal with narcissists: stay away from them!

@paperp9316

5 жыл бұрын

Hello everyone! If you require the service of a professional hacker to help track your partner's cell phone remotely, contact cyberhackanswers@gmail.com,he was excellent in helping me hack my wife's phone without physical contact. You can also reach him on email at cyberhackanswers@gmail.com or WhatsApp at +16265785544 or instagram dm @blonde_hacker_ tell him Danny referred you.

@austinevans921

2 жыл бұрын

Yep, gotta leave.

In my experience with a narcissist, it's like their emotional and intellect minds have not come together. They were deprived of proper emotional growth maybe

Narcissists say things to get you to react and say and do things you regret later. They want you to behave as badly as they do so they can point the finger and call you disordered, crazy, etc. and accuse you of doing things you're not and never would do. The best thing is to go no contact if possible. Low contact if you have children with them. Remember everything they say and do is about how they can make themselves look better than you and make it look like you're the only one with the problem! Don't fall for it! We all have problems but they don't examine and own theirs. They don't take responsibility for themselves or anything they do. They just blame everyone else. That's the difference between being disordered or not IMO.

@nubiankhaleesi2945

5 жыл бұрын

Very true-- I always wondered why like every damn day we were arguing. Then I started listening. This POS would deliberately say things that he knew were my trigger points from previous convos. Things that hurt me, or I didnt like, etc. And then he would just use these things like baits. Even simple answers would have a snark or demeaning comment attached... for NO reason. Yep, just to get a REACTION out of me, to defend myself althouth that too was pointless. Im sooo glad I have caught on- Respond not react....or dont do either!!!

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

What you describe is called gaslighting. It is insidious. Know your truth and stick with it despite the N's protests! Dr. C

@ablessedlife5506

5 жыл бұрын

My ex narc is sort of hoovering me right now. He sits in the parking lot of my work where he knows I’ll see him. I think you’re so right about him trying to bait me into doing or saying something. I’m maintaining nc.

@wrjpiyush7928

5 жыл бұрын

Terra Perfectly said👍

@amybe3

5 жыл бұрын

I need to get out of here NOW!!! This person in driving me crazy, I have special needs kids, one isn't his, I can't work full time, but he doesn't give me money, instead he is always putting pressure on me to help pay bills, which I do anyways, even though I don't have money. He makes no sense. I need advice. I need to go, but I am also in school and if I go to a shelter, I will have to, again, drop out of school and I do not want that. He is always criticising me for wanted to goto school. He says I am old for that. I tried to be perfect, going an extra mile isn't enough for him. Care for him and the children, working, studying is never enough. He wants to change everything about me. The Dr. Describes him perfectly, but he is a bit short. He is a psycopath as well.

The narcs never change- they are always the same- even after decades. Unbelievable.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

In a very high percentage of the cases that is exactly true. Sad. Dr. C

@tarlankasra

3 жыл бұрын

Insufferable too don't forget insufferable SMH.

@donnafoley9684

3 жыл бұрын

DECADES AND DECADES UNTIL THEY DIE#!?!?###!?!?;??!!!!!!!!?##!!##?!#!!!!!

@zeljkaznatizeljka2758

3 жыл бұрын

This is so true. 😂

@jamesoppy900

3 жыл бұрын

VERY true

I use to be like that in order to keep the peace. Laugh when the narc laugh. Spent a lot of years with a fake laugh and smile. I laugh and love everyday now since I'm no longer a codependent.

Since Narcissists rarely change and leaving a Narcissist is not always possible (or desirable), it makes a lot of sense to look at oneself, as a co dependent, and see if you can change yourself in a healthy way.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

very true!!! Dr. C

I'm dealing with a narc who never directly answers my direct questions...omfg..its just so one sided and conversations are so different..its like I'm on another planet and speaking another language

@melissahanna6456

4 жыл бұрын

T B sounds exactly like my situation. If you saw the dialogue between our text messages it’s all me! Serious questions go unanswered. He left again for over a month and has ignored every phone call text message from me and two kids he’s also been ignoring. This dance with him leaving and giving me silent treatment is year number 5 of my 21 year marriage with this Narc. Something now has truly snapped inside me, I’ve accepted his sickness and that it has nothing to do with me. He’s so severely damaged from childhood but I know see what he did to his first wife he’s doing exactly the same to me. I’m not doing it anymore it’s like being married to a child who has tantrums who’s competitive always has to win has no clue what love and life is about. I’ve done a lot of research because at one time I really thought it was me, his game I told him he sucks at it because I know who and what he is and that’s why he can’t answer me I’m his biggest threat I just want to be done with this sicko once and for all

@paulinavazquez6444

4 жыл бұрын

T B I am sorry you go through this

@goofygranny1020

4 жыл бұрын

Yrs! Money won't make eye contact indera he started talking

@fetishisticrose

4 жыл бұрын

@@melissahanna6456 realize it is him and he is a wounded person , a former child of abuse...hes taking it out on you. i know its hard, distance yourself interpersonaly.

@melissahanna6456

4 жыл бұрын

T B how

When you realise you have been helping them abuse you. That's the hardest bit . Your empathy is what they rely on. Its gonna hurt to see this portrait on life. Beautiful...dark..seductive..and a very very sad ...an emotional experience that you will never forget. You were groomed. Stay strong. Good luck to good people. Remember the nights that will haunt them forever. They cant lie to themselves for long enough. Regularly they will top up there own shame and guilt and pain. You saw love so be thankful. They wont know real love it comes with to much pain for them. Very very sad.

First you got abused by the narcissist and then you get labeled as a co-depenent. Stay away from the drama-triangle (victim, rescuer, perpetrator) and the drama will end.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

The operative words are "stay away." Dr. C

I have to say and I hope this isn't taken badly that I really love this format of videos more than the other videos posted with the female life coach. It seems like there are a lot of resources on KZread with Life Coaches but fewer resources of actual Dr's educating the public about narcissism. I have learned a tremendous amount of vital information from you and hope you continue to make these type of discussion videos. A lot of people do not have access to therapists who can educate them and give them unbiased information. I thank you, sir, for all that you do.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

I really enjoy doing these videos, and your comments keep me going. We're all in this together, aren't we. Dr. C

@teresalclark5782

5 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism I feel the same as Dr. C ☺ I was married to a narcissist but didn't know anything about narcissism at the time. Now, unfortunately our 23 year old daughter has been hurt over and over again by him. Her counselor recently told my daughter that she is dealing with a narcissist in her dad. Your videos are like gold to us right now. If you have a video (parent/adult child specific) that you could direct me to so I can share it with her that would be great! Thanks for all that you do!

@cybco

5 жыл бұрын

Yeah, I would bet my life he's one of the few Dr's that actually has the Narc T-Shirt with the book smarts. But in all fairness, I haven't disagreed with the majority of even the non Dr's. Experience speaks volumes.

@donnaholt7734

5 жыл бұрын

Teresa L Clark ...I support this request. Thank you.

@nancyfahey7518

5 жыл бұрын

I also get a lot from reading the comments. Real life experiences and sharing the pain is what truly gets thru to me.

I literally just got divorced and am now realizing and researching how the ex is a narcissist 😳 just this week he accused me again of being unfaithful in our marriage- which I was not! These unhealthy thoughts actually gave him an "excuse " to cheat on me, which he also didn't fully admit until we were getting divorced. I now recognize this dance and that I'm a codependent 😔 Now to heal myself!

@brittanyb5942

3 жыл бұрын

I was always accused of cheating which I never did but that he was the one who was actually cheating!

I've encountered a narcissist that is even condescending snarky and just playing nasty when they're confronted with that about why don't you try and be nice they say, I am being nice their actions don't match their words and they get very very irritated and defensive. The narc told me after I said good morning was mumbled some snarky remark but would not come close to me and then said to someone else I don't like her and you need to tell her not to come over here anymore and do that. I guess I'm just surprised as nasty as they come off this narcissist was truly intimidated by me and could not confront me to my face but could go behind my back and talk about me but I guess that's par for the course that's how cowardly they are.

Just found your channel. Been married 59+ yrs knew that things could be better, but felt that this was just living. Kids and work kept me going. Now that I’ve been retired for many yrs. kids have been gone for many yrs, I’ve become depressed at times. Always knew my husband was controlling, but made excuses. Now I find that I can no longer cope. Listening to you has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much

@SurvivingNarcissism

4 жыл бұрын

So pleased you're figuring it out! Dr. C

Empath, here, married to a narc. He cleverly kept his “other personality” hidden in the beginning. I am so grateful for this video, and I am thankful to have found you, Dr. Carter, and your remarkable channel. You strive for peace behind all the insanity; thank you for your perspective. For many years I could not figure out what was going on. No one in my life had ever acted this way (each year the behavior grows worse). This channel, here, has become my healing place. Thank you for all. I would like to have heart to heart talks with our grown children to explain this new found knowledge on the matter as to why they always heard and saw their parents fighting. I was always wanting “him” to be nice with regards to every situation. But he viewed it as me being bossy, corrective, and trying to change him. How do I bring about some explanation to our grown children without sounding accusatory of their father? Because over the years they saw a lot of me trying to defend myself (and defend other people) with only ugly battles resulting, unfortunately. No win for the exposed children. I have always been deeply saddened for them. They deserved so much better. Thank you for any advice (or a video) on the matter.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

I agree that it would be ideal to speak with them plainly. Assuming they are mature enough to digest your feelings and discussion, just be adult about it. If they seem curious, proceed. If not, pull back. Dr. C

@donnaholt7734

5 жыл бұрын

Surviving Narcissism Ok. Many thanks.

@whibraen2750

5 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism sound advice there !!

@nancygreydee2608

5 жыл бұрын

Donna Holt I’m going through the exact scenario with my narcissistic alcoholic ex husband of 30 years. I have three grown children and a 15 yr old.I have to coparent with him still and he has made it a complete nightmare. It’s actually worse than when I endured his abuse here. He consistently violates all laws and rules of the parenting plan and refused to pay child support on the scheduled date thinking he could rewrite the date to deposit it to a later date for him that he chose without authorization. He also thinks it’s in his rights to entice and manipulate my son away from me on my scheduled custody days by texting him and making plans before asking me first. He thinks rules and laws don’t apply to him in his world It’s costing him a pretty penny for my lawyer to constantly remind him to behave And all his evil antics he can’t get away with anymore

@aricaiwdjts

4 жыл бұрын

i am the empath and my wife the Narc....after 27 years of constant battles and fights and her accusing me of being mentally ill ..of her goading me with the most hurtful things and when i react ...straight away the victim ..has trained all three of my daughters to be her flying monkeys ..i have been demonized throughout the marriage ..i hurt so much i was an addict for several years trying to numb myself.....its getting so so bad as she gets older ..i cannot leave ...but at least i know understand..i thought for so may years it was me...i have had intense anxiety for years ..i thought it was my asthma medication ..now i know it was years of gaslighting

Hold your cards close to your chest. Limited info and self- disclosure or no contact at all is best.

Thank You Dr. Carter for all of your GODLY wisdom. To see how many of us are broken and hurting at the hand of these wicked people. GOD help us💔

Thank you for this video! Since my discard, I have learned what a narcissist is. It has helped me understand what happened to me! Now I am focusing on me, and I am an empath, and a codependent. Learning more about Codependency is helping me. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, and from a less than nurturing childhood. The More You Know 💫

@noemamamaka3368

5 жыл бұрын

Me2. 💜

@rubberbiscuit99

5 жыл бұрын

Me3.

@cyndimoring9389

5 жыл бұрын

Me4

@pdb3661

5 жыл бұрын

Me Too

@ablessedlife5506

5 жыл бұрын

Me 5. Married to one for 12 yrs till the discard - on Christmas night. Since the discard I’ve learned all I can about them. Had no idea they existed prior to the discard. Thank you so much Dr. For these videos. Only some counselors understand narcs.

This is how come they never seem to get tired?. They can just go at it,day after day and your exhausted trying to fight for a bit of peace or balance.

@nobody3888

4 жыл бұрын

Explain

@user-gv3kk4ts9b

4 жыл бұрын

They get defensive and start to play the victim card when you confront them. Manipulative snakes. Fuck them.

@Blueheron23

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my ex! 🤣

This is why I am convinced that if we do not have to live with a narcissist whom we are not married to, we should get away or minimize contact with them. As the Bible says; "bad company corrupts good character." We really do take up the habits of those we hang around all the time.

@nikoleirene9549

4 жыл бұрын

Well, I married one and had two kids by him. God told me to cut off communication with him and I didn't. It has been pure hell. I didn't know that this was a whole thing and there is information EVERYWHERE. I should have been cut communication with him and kept it that way. NOW I starting over again and have cut off communication since I have sole custody of our kids. He doesn't ask about them anyways.

@gwendolynwehage6336

4 жыл бұрын

@@nikoleirene9549 There is a way to deal with them that keeps the angst to a minimum. I don't know your case but since I view marriage as a sacred covenant I advise people not to divorce but if they do divorce to remain single as the Bible teaches. Often people divorce not realizing there is a way to handle the narcissist without divorce. And, I am convinced that separation is not a sin if the spouse is abusive on a continual basis. I grew up with narcissists for the first 18 years of my life and dealt with them after I married and left home. Then I realized how many of these people we are surrounded by on a daily basis. Leaning to handle them without becoming like them is a gift from God.

@nikoleirene9549

4 жыл бұрын

@@gwendolynwehage6336 yea I wasn't going to divorce him. I'm leaving it up to him and I already know he has slept with another woman. Technically I can divorce and move on but here I am...waiting for him to send the divorce papers and he never does. Our year has been up but he acted like he wanted to reconcile and then ended up pissed off because I put in for custody and child support for our second child. He already knew about this but he's acting like it's brand new information. I'm tired of his manipulation.

Being overwhelmed with anger in comes from feeling powerless.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

It will feel unnatural at first, but as you pull out of the narcissist's orbit, you can find your power. You have choices. Dr. C

Dr Carter. Im from Australia and I really enjoy your videos. I work as a Youth Worker in Case Management for Kids at Risk. You are an outstanding therapist. Very informed. Your presentations information delivery and tone are admirable. I find your accent relaxing. You are a good man.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

What a nice compliment! Greetings from Dallas, Tx to Australia. I always like hearing from a fellow worker in the psych field. Dr. C

@robertholmes8917

5 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thankyou for replying Doctor Carter. I would like to purchase your book 'when pleasing you is killing me' but I live in Australia. Do you know if the publisher distributes to overseas?

My father doesnt have to do or say anything to set me off. All he has to do is sit there. I cant break out of that cycle and I dont go near him, talk to or see him for any reason. I have no problem dealing with other narcissists I come across in the right and healthy way. It scares me to just think about having anything to do with him. Image deconstruction, EMDR (awesome stuff!) havent helped much where he is concerned. It has with everything else. At first I beat myself up thinking I wasnt trying hard enough to make it work. Then one night I had a revelation that woke me up out of sound sleep. When I beat myself up, Im doing his job for him when he's not there. So I stopped doing all the programmed behaviors. Not as hard to do as I thought it would be. Four words to live by: SELF CARE AND LOVE. Those every day keep the narcissists away😎 Be nice to yourself and do a happy dance by yourself.

I was created to serve a viscous narc, my mother. She literally told me I was born to love her. As a result I’ve had many emotional issues around “being good enough” because I felt like her love was always conditional of me pleasing her. I finally cut her off in my late 20’s (I’m now 44). 7 years ago I married a man who has narcissistic traits. We’ve had a lot of problems in our relationship, & I’m just starting to realise I don’t like myself in this dance. Before we met, I had done a lot of work on myself to feel better & build healthy self esteem. That seems to have gone out the window! I’ve gained weight, started having panic attacks etc...and I also see myself as a very strong person after everything I endured with my mother. So I’m in a funny situation because on the one hand, I know how to be narcissistic (I grew up with it!) and I also know how to be codependent (being trained by my mother to serve her). I find it ironic that I can be as cold as a narc, & as empathetic as an empath as well. And I find it ironic that I was born to serve a narc, and here I am still serving a narc!! One thing I learnt from discarding my mother was this. A true narc cannot take it when you stand tall, never sacrifice yourself, never stoop to their level of nastiness, never ever back down, stand your ground & do the right thing, keep your self respect! They cannot win. No matter what they say about you, or try to do, other people will always see what & who they are. If you act crazy like they want, they’ve won!! That is the strength that comes from enduring a viscous narcissist.

@kcbaylor1648

3 жыл бұрын

Everything you said I relate to. A lot of my wounds are still open, festering from my mom and I am now in a narc relationship as we speak looking for answers or strength to leave.

My husband is a Narcissist, Dr I started listening to this video and he is like ‘Lily you are making me sick with your Mr now it all’ ... I told him ‘he has a education and know what he is talking about “and then my husband got up and left like if I was attacking him when All I was doing is listening you your videos. Dr , you helped me stay healthy. I have struggled with codependency for many years and I have gone to Celebrate Recovery for this issue. And then I end up marrying a person with NPD. Incredible. Right, who knew I was going to end up stuck.

It's taken me three months after my Ayahuasca journey to realise I was part of the problem in that relationship. Please make more videos about codependents, because I trust you.

I already know they don't negotiate. That is why I'm sad but happy God is finally allowing my narcissist husband to get a divorce. Everything this video discussed was me being codependent and my husband being a narcissist. We both took a part in a cycle of abuse. We both brought the worst out of one another. I'm just now realizing he is who he is. I have to love me and I know God has a good man that will love me for me.

This is Dr. Carter's best talk on how to keep your sanity with a narc. "Stop doing the dance with them."

The narcissist does not set my pace! I longed for many years to have a loving mother. 10 years of separation I am free but still looking within to ensure I seek healthy relationships. I have so much bad programming but working on it through many, many years of therapy. So glad my friend recommended this series to me. I never realized there were many others like me out there.

10 stars out of 10.

You are a comfort for heartache.

So true. I would always have my energy just drained from this. The anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression were somehow off the charts in the past. So glad I came across this information and have gotten a lot better.

@donnaholt7734

5 жыл бұрын

Heidi Aguilar Good comments! Same here!

This is so accurate. Adultperspective and think that it is all drama and rubbish, takes you far away in a calm way from that toxic childish behavior.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Toxic and childish. Two very apt words. Thanks for your comments. Dr. C

@19dulce68

4 жыл бұрын

Lina Sjöberg, tack så mycket 😀🙏🇲🇿🇲🇿

I really like the way you present the issues of narcissists and the codependent. You don't vilify the narcissist. I understand some of them are villains, but most are just highly dysfunctional. I look at my involvement with narcissists as a learning experience and I am much wiser for it. Of course I would not admit that when I was going though it.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

I wish more people had the level-headed approach you have. Thanks. Dr. C

@KrystalLioness

5 жыл бұрын

😊

@torrihoward9729

5 жыл бұрын

I agree 💯!!!

@riteasrain

5 жыл бұрын

Krystal Lioness Well said.

@cautiontothewind277

5 жыл бұрын

Fuck a Narcissist

Narcissist don't want you to think for yourself. They want you to think want benefits them.

I am so tired of this dysfunctional codependent dance. I don't have the energy or strength to participate anymore. Thank you for all of this enlightening information. It has truly helped my thinking to evolve and to recognize the dysfunctional relationship in my life. Keep up the good work please.

I needed this video this morning after the narc in my life refused to stop criticizing me in front of our 2 year old son. I did everything in my power not to engage for the sake of my baby. Hard times. I am a month away from moving out.

@ursalaoutrageous9249

5 жыл бұрын

krazydreamer I think you are wise to leave this relationship. Kids pick up on the way a parent is treated and will often decide that the abused parent is actually an inferior being who deserves to be persecuted. It seems that they often decide that the complaining, critical parent is the one they should try to please. I’m no expert, certainly, but not only have I seen this many times, I have also experienced it.

@g-wynn4477

5 жыл бұрын

Be strong and get out! It sucks having to dodge all the narcs tactics but in the end that’s exactly what you have to do. God Bless you and your baby.

@susanmccann7519

5 жыл бұрын

Krazy dreamer RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!! The narc is grooming your child and that baby will become the narc. I stayed for 24 yrs., and my son has become like his so called dad. He taught my son....your mother is mentally ill and I have not seen or spoke to him in 6 yrs.. My son will be married tomorrow evening and I am not invited. If you have anyway of NO CONTACT......it would be best for you and your baby. The narcs are demons and they will continue to try and destroy you.....long after you are gone.

@noemamamaka3368

5 жыл бұрын

I hope I'm not being intrusive, just want to say I am stuck in the same. Hang tuff✊ and as we say in Hawaiian Maka'ala. Watch, be vigilant, you have a baby and sounds like you are doing a great job at being mindful. Aloha, be well,. I look forward to better days ahead...for u as well.

@noemamamaka3368

5 жыл бұрын

@@ursalaoutrageous9249 so very true, great wisdom!

My experience, narcissist do not like person is smarter than narcissist. They like stupid as they are.

It is great to think nobody "sets your pace" but in a world where I have to answer to others, since I am not financially free, I am sadly answering to others. If I had a home and a good income, I would not care. Since I depend on my next paycheck for survival, there are others whom I answer to. Sad to think about but it isn't just about thinking a certain way, it is about a societal structure that empowers narcissists by restricting financial freedom to many.

Wow! You just covered an argument I had with my sister years ago. After passing a book to her that I was reading, she decided that SHE was going to read it. I only gave it to her to read a quote I had found. Her reaction was that if I would do something for her, she would give it back. I told her I was not one of her children and couldn’t be blackmailed. She exploded! The more she gives me non answers or tries bribery, the more I’m convinced she’s truly a narcissist. The narcissist’s southern Michigan sister

BEST VIDEOS OUT THERE ON THIS SUBJECT, HANDS DOWN!!! Thank You Dr. Carter, you are a GOD send!!!

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Wow...thanks. Dr. C

This is just perfect. Thank you very much. Oh how I wish I had known long ago that my relationship with my sibling was just never going to be what I wished for. I wasted so many years in the dance with her hoping that she would somehow change her negative ways and come to the table. Not going to happen, but guess what? It's no longer going to happen for me either. I'm moving down the highway. Don't want to spend another minute with an empty, insincere, controlling individual. I've done it way to long not knowing that I was part of the problem. What a complete waste of time and energy. Sorry, these people are just not worth your loss of everything you are and have to be in this world. Goodbye yellow brick road. I don't need to see the wizard anymore. I'm a big girl now. Happy trails to all of you out there fighting this type. Do yourself a favor and stop now and don't look back. Happy days are here again. Peace.

I knew I would find out what was going on in my own situation by listening to more of your videos. I finally found this one and this is exactly what's has been going on with my relationship. This dance has been so exhausting and I have been scratching my head to figure out why. Thank you for sharing this

OMG! I have to hear this again, again, again again ... Thanks you Doctor Carter for helping us!

Love the way you hold us codependents responsible 😊💞

Great video plain-spoken right to the point. The funny thing is about those types is it can only go two ways; codependent either shrivels up and dies or they become super strong super smart and learn to spot those types from a mile away. Funny thing is they go out to destroy a codependent person and in reality all they did was lose them and make them stronger. That's my story and I'm sticking to it

Been married to a narc for 17 years....am watching these vids in preparation to leave. One of the things he does I could never understand is basically high jacking my bad moods / feelings of frustration. He will be in a good mood....I might have a moment of frustration unrelated to him....and in an instant he is frustrated too. Even though it has nothhing to do with him. Result of this is....to avoid having to deal with him in a bad mood ....I stopped showing my anger and frustration. Part of the reason I picked up 55 kg in the 17 years we have been together. It never occurred to me that he was emotionally co dependent on me. I thought it was just another way he was trying to control me. Thank you very much for that insight. One of many!

@nobody3888

4 жыл бұрын

Preparation to leave smh .. , might as well of cheated. Or never met him.

@nabilamir9483

4 жыл бұрын

S R are u out now? Are u ok?i am going through same please tell me your experience if you are out

@deela262

4 жыл бұрын

Read somewhere that its their Deep sense of insecurity which makes them yearn for control; and they feel insecure if the focus goes to someone else; so if anyone else has a problem they want to insist that THEY have a more important problem. Or due to that deep sense of fear , they have got used to avoiding responsibilities ( though very good at covering it up), and gets scared that they will be called upon for action to solve your problem ( eventhough all you may want is a listening ear ), so puts up a facade that they have a bigger issue to solve thus will be unavailable. The takeaway: can't depend on them ever, to help you out. If it's like a marriage where you dont want to rock the boat and keep peace, Be Strong to face the battles alone, simplify matters to manageable proportions, and gradually buildup an alternate support base. Needing emotional support is a weakness we can overcome.

This is exactly what happened and still happens to me from my mom,ex husband and eldest daughter .. encouraging. Thanks Dr.C

AGAIN, my draw drops open as I listen to you. It is freaky how exactly this applies to my family of origin. It's rare that I speak to my nsister, but the last time we did we were having lunch, talking about my Dad who recently died & the fallout of that, when she said nearly exactly the words you used: "Why can't you just give me the entitlement that I deserve?". It has been incredibly helpful to finally understand.

God bless you! I've grown a lot over the years but still can get trapped with the 'gotcha' game. I CAN stand in my truth without feeling the need to explain further; my yes is yes and my no is no! I have always known this but finally it's gone from just my head to my being! Whoohoo! Thank you so much for your time, caring and willingness to help others Dr. Carter.

@patsig7632

4 жыл бұрын

I react most of the tme as you do, it's quite instinctive with me. However when I haven't been in the narcissist's presence for a while I forget that she doesn't react like most people having a friendly, relaxed conversation. If I disagree with her on even a minor thing, and don't just agree to get her to stop harping on she'll suddenly start shouting at me. Sometimes I just tell her straight that no amount of shouting will change my mind and I accept that she is entitled to her opinion. She just doesn't understand that two people can have different favourite colours and still be friends!!! I am not exaggerating, she can get really angry over something as minor as a favourite colour/ a style of dress/ a favourite song, anything. Like you I have doctor Carter to thank for realising that it is futile discussing anything with her.

I love every word in this message dr Carter. I am the one who sets my pace, I am free to decide who I am gonna be and how I am gonna live my life, nobody else! Thank you so much!

I set my own pace, now. I am standing up for myself. Thank you, again Mr Cater it seems that I did the right thing.

You are the best thing to happen to me in 20 years.thank you.

Yes Dr Carter my sister has tried to make me dance to her narcissistic Co dependence tune numerous times. She wanted to up root me from England to Canada where she lives. Her reason being so she can look after me. With God's help I prefered to stay away from her. As all previous the telephone conversations with her resulted in anger and agitation and insomina. I will be following Contemplative thinking. I have set my boundary so she can not penetrate by completely cutting her off. I know she is already using her youngest daughter as codependent. Thank you again With deep regards

Great message; however if a person is with Narcissist he or she will switch up on you just when figure out that you are in a dance. They will keep you in the dance so long as you are with the narcissist. I got stuck for 32 years. It’s not as simple as 1, 2, 3 and I set the pace. As soon as you do set the pace, the narcissist does the “switch up.”😞

This dance was the daily interaction between my ex and I. It was exhausting. I looked forward to going to work because I got at least an eight hour break from walking on pins and needles, defending myself, and thinking about how to keep from being accused of some trivial "offense". All the while hoping that the week would slow down so I wouldn't have to endure an entire weekend of pure misery.

@girlysmom9432

5 жыл бұрын

Hi, would be so kind as to share?: What do you feel was your 'awakening' to leave the relationship? My brother has stated to me almost word-for-word what you wrote here. Yet, I see my brother 'still in the dance' and totally acting as her 'flying monkey' (they've been married 12+ years now). She has very methodically and slowly, totally isolated him from his friends, family and even convinced him to work 'strictly' from home about 4-5 years ago. They don't go anywhere or see anyone (his words). Yet he will 'defend' HER EVERY feeling as if the 'outside' world is the 'predator' upon her?? She has him CONVINCED of this, and he's drinking the 'kool-aid' like it's water!? I have been trying to help him 'see the light' for approximately 3 years now, but I'm not sure I am getting through the 'barriers of destructive walls' she has constructed. I think he's totally 'brainwashed' by her. (Dr. Carter addresses this in another video and my brother is doing exactly as described in that video. My brother's 'soul is stolen' by her and he no longer exists.) So sad. What 'happened' that 'woke you up'? Thank you.

@tedschmitt178

4 жыл бұрын

Jodi Woodruff I didn’t leave, she did. After all of the misery I endured, I had marriage vows that I was determined to honor (for better, for worse, etc.). She left after I didn’t jump through one of her never-ending hoops, and she told me that was the reason. After trying to figure out what happened, I ran across the whole issue of narcissism, and then all of her actions made complete sense.

I am just too exhausted to play all these kiddish games😩😩😭this has been my life for the last ten years!! Why not just grow up, make each other better!! Be accountable, learn, grow, admit, & apologize!!!! I’m DONE😩😩😩😭😭😭

You are helping me cope better than I ever could. I’m a magnet for these types.

This was really helpful, thank you. I did at one time have a lot more anxiety, hurt, anger, frustration, etc... I am continuing to grow and trust God to tell me who I am and what I should be doing instead worrying about what my narc husband is saying. I've learned recently that they do like to "poke you with a stick" to get a reaction and they know just the right words to use. I could never understand how someone could be so unkind on purpose. I have not arrived or become perfect in my handling of this yet, but making strides. Just being aware of the tactic and knowing what to do is a huge help. I will make notes of this video to keep on hand. Learning to not react when you live this everyday is the hardest, but knowing I can choose to be healthy and react in a way that pleases God is encouraging and gives me hope.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

The reason you can't understand someone being so harsh is probably due to your lack of the same insensitivity....and that's a compliment. Dr. C

@donnaholt7734

5 жыл бұрын

Surviving Narcissism 🙌🙌🙌

Strangely I was oblivious to the behavior of the narcissist in my life, just innocently being myself but when I saw what she was doing, it literally rendered me speechless....it’s hard for me to even say good morning to this person now, it just feels insincere, and it’s true, she does try to turn me into a mean spirited person... oh the witchcraft of it all!!😄 anyway I like when you said Broken no more! … this is what I live by now...thanks

This video is like a whipped cream on my Sunday lol I love the way you explain your inside is deep. Thank you for making this so easy to understand.

I am now stopping this dance/pattern. My mom is a narc and my sister is a malignant narcissist. How my mom put her on the pedestal and made me their slave spending a good part of my life assisting my so-called sister (8 yrs younger) through her demands. Only because of my willingness to assist and give my all. My mom took all the credit and now she has lost me. In recent years she demanded me to talk to her on the phone for one hour every day. Talking about absolutely nothing. I have set my boundaries and no turning back. I am firm but kind. I do not want to be cruel. She desperately wants things back the way they were but that is not an option for me. I hit rock bottom 5 yrs ago. Torturing anxiety and hurt. Fortunately, I understand things now. Better late than never. Thank you, Dr. Carter. I like your channel and the video with your brother was especially informative. Not everyone can come out of similar torture as a stronger person but I feel like I am. Seeking professional help and info like this.

Heartache can be harder than anything we may experience...

i think codependency is learnt from childhood....pattern that have parents have in relationship.....

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Yes...it has deep roots. Dr. C

@torrihoward9729

5 жыл бұрын

Dysfunctional from Birth...😋

@robertholmes8917

5 жыл бұрын

Yes I think you are right. But once as an adult you recognise the pattern you can escape the web

@sunshines4555

5 жыл бұрын

NO EXCUSE

@julzy20032000ify

5 жыл бұрын

Enabeling parents

Dr. Carter, this explains so much! I love your videos.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you're on board with us! Dr. C

@torrihoward9729

5 жыл бұрын

AMEN

@mrazik131

5 жыл бұрын

Can a doctor see me now? This is the good doc.

I met him when i found myself homeless in a very very bad city! My world changed so after trying to talk to shelter staff about who should i speak to about getting out of here!! Well we have programs available .. Then 2 months in this shelter he told every female i was bunking with he really liked me!! I honestly will say he was gorgeous! Tall dark dressed nice, funny and persistent!! 4 mo. Later i agreed to meet him in a park at 3pm. We talked til the sun came up! I was hooked i fell hard. He being 6'3" tall no one tried to even tell him do's or dont's he was the guy everyone wanted to be seen with or " friends" with. 15 yrs it took to get go run !! It got to the point i needed to get me back . i was dying inside!! Narcissist are story tellers. They outside give the impression they are put together , cant work cause of injury .. I worked cause we needed$$ to drink and forget we have nothing in life but us! When he hit beat screamed and told me what to do ..was he would tell my family im nothing but a drunk!! Fear is one thing.. The family i love .. Was never ever to know how bad things were and how the abuse was taking the one they loved away piece by piece... Dr. Carter im going to go see a psychotherapist in my area.. Hes only been out of my home 2 mo. Detoxification from a narcissist is going to take time. It took me 1yr planning how to get out and still be sane. Was the hardest moment to come to terms with!! Cant change a narcissist. But you can leave one just dont look back!! EVER!! Im in my early 50s maybe ill find happiness again someday?? But not until i get the woman i was so happy with back!! ME !! They take all you were and all you have inside and bury up to your forehead so you feel dead .. Stuck only way out is die or run like hell with the spark you buried deep inside the tiny light he couldn't see or take cause i promised. Myself i am a good woman!!! I will have a life of family joys happiness and sorrow but on my terms!! I'm still hearing his voice in my head !! But it will fade away like he did years ago. Hes sick dying and i will not allow him to kill me anymore. Thanks for the videos but i need one on one for my own venting!! You are insightful and confirmed i did the right thing!!

Dr. Carter, thank you very much for the information. Your videos are very helpful in recovering from this terrible thing - Narcissists !! I think the problem with me (and my psychologist also says so) is that I always tend to blame myself for what is happening, that I am too sensitive and empathetic ... that I see the other as "unfortunate," someone who needs help while I am "torn" . Yesterday, it was Yom Kippur, I prayed that half of my heart would turn into stone, that maybe it would hurt less and I would not care. I wish I knew how to stop this pain - the sense of deception, humiliation, disgrace, dirt.

@Libra_Girl.

5 жыл бұрын

I try to help when it's clearly not helping. I'm working on stopping myself from trying to help people who don't really want help and don't seem to appreciate nor benefit from having me help them. It's a hard thought and behavior pattern to break but I'm trying.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Sensitivity is a two way ingredient. You can feel with kindness, then you can feel with hurt. We need more people like you who go into the heart of relationships. Your balance comes as you learn the art of self care...and that is a large topic. Thanks for your comments. Dr. C

So clear when u talk abt it, I do not want to be drawn in, angry, defensive, trying to get him to understand. Im done with being treated 2nd rate, embarrassed and thrown under the bus in front of people. He moved out 2 months ago, and Im trying to find work, but now I c my suspicions were correct, all the bad mouthing and talking me down to friends and family, even my own kids. Heartbreaking...... but, a new beginning! Thank u 4 Free to be , i finished it last week and may want to go thru it again.........

A Dr.C vid a day keeps the narcs at bay 🤗

10:50 Oh Lord, give me strength and all what it takes to live this way.

"I'm the one who sets my pace." These videos are SO EMPOWERING. I don't tend towards all of the codependent traits, but I've been sitting here nodding through most of the video 😂

I appreciate your practical, direct approach and personable communication style. Love your videos!

Thank you for this message and I really liked the ending on this one, very much like a call to action. Love it.

I like the overwhelming majority of your vids Dr. Carter but this one really hit home. Thank you. 😊

Dr Les, you describe the covert passive aggressive narcissist better than anyone. After 20 years of narcissistic abuse it is practically impossible to have the strength to just be yourself. Leaving is the only option.

Inspiring. A pep talk on how to be your best! Love this! The ending question sums it up so you can have a way to remind yourself of the rest of the ideas presented here.

Thank you Dr.Carter, this is very helpful. You have helped me see who I am and feel good about it. I feel Teflon coated because I can with dignity, respect and civility set my own pace 🥰❤

These videos are the best. I've watched so many from others, always come back to you. The best calm way of presenting the issue. Not blaming anyone and very sensible advice. Narcissist should really watch to, maybe they would be able to help themselves. Thank you very much, you have helped me more than you can think. Going to watch your videos until I get it in my head.

Thank you for all of your videos, they really are wonderful and helping me sort myself out!

I am so glad that you are such a kind man Dr C this is like watching reruns on TV and the repeat of the first time helps me out in this life lesson. Thanks

So spot on, Dr C! Especially the part about past influences in both parties playing a huge role in continued present dysfunction.

Thank you for these videos. My husband has a toxic narcissist mother. We have stayed away 7 strights years and 4 total in 10 yrs. Today after his while mother started verbally abusing him this time he spoke his truth how she Purposely ruined our wedding She's made up lies about him became best friends with his ex girlfriend he hates his ex wife who betrayed and cheated on him all this happened before 2nd wife came in the relationship so 2nd wife had nothing to do with it. Mother only had 1 conversation with his wife and he was there.. that mom would walk away everytime his wife tried to engage but was unwilling to feed her supply and question some of her views well the narcissistic mother didn't appreciate the truth she was so frustrated that he would let her change the subject all he wanted to start a conversation on finding healing process maybe talk thing out find a solution that he wanted to spend time with his 78 yr old father she started yelling over him as he went threw the facts that he pointed out all the inaccuracies in her storys about her blatant lies how she bullies all new family members she went to lava level anger. She then Gave him a ultimatum believe moms view of history how she is a victim pain now caused by is new wife of 10 yrs. That's when I drove in after driving 200 miles she kicked him out of the family today. How do i console him. My heart breaks for him. This all happened in front of 20+ family members. He doesn't want to talk about it we always take 2 cars to his family so I can leave when the flying monkeys come out so on the long drive I cried all the way home I know he did too he wont let me hug him what do can I do. We were always planning on keeping as much distance from them as possible but her banishing from him from the family is the coldest thing I've ever seen and I think she waited for me the wife to get there to break his heart like that and granted me and his siblings and me says a nephews and father sry if this doesn't make total sense im very upset having a place like this really helps my husband just has to understand he Deserves all the love in the world and respect as well

I fall into category 5. Thank you so much for this video. It was so good, I didn't want it to end.

@donnaholt7734

5 жыл бұрын

Deb Hadden Ditto for me, here with category 5. ...and I, too, didn’t want his talk on this one to end.

Thank you for the clarity of your content! So useful! Thank you. I also enjoy the way that you announce your book title! ;)

Dr Les Carter, you truly are a source of wisdom/blessing! I often have the type of thoughts or visions you talk about but it's like they're all foggy and clustered in my mind. Hearing you explain things simply is very nice! Thank you for all you're work and help!

hurting /wounded people Hurt people.... !!! yes Dr, CARTER - this all makes complete sense... thank you again for your easygoing /relaxed demeanour

This was a good lesson reminder. I am currently divorcing a narcissist, trying to avoid court and doing a collaborative law process, which has mostly failed. He showed up and pretended to cooperate (knows he is expected to make himself look good) and dissembles anything he had agreed during mediation, or twist it to play both ends. A win lose scenario. This is a person who will not take responsibility for their actions and simply dismiss. I'm in year four trying to get free of financial and property mess. I remind myself daily the best thing I can do is not allow him to see me upset, not give my reasons for my decisions, just make them and add a big Period at the end of the statement. And to stand tall and show that I am separate from him. His response is usually something petty avoiding signing paperwork (called high conflict divorce) about 3% of divorces end up this way, the irony is he both resents me and respects at once. His status protects me somewhat he would be loathe anyone learn of his behaviour, small city, gives me some leverage - holding my peace while holding him to account. Nasty thing to have to defend yourself but none the less necessary. We have two (now adult) children from a 30 year marriage with many close family whom he has also dismissed and shuns even in public --- all these people must be wrong, not him. The family connections are where the full stop walking a way is nearly impossible, our children had no idea of his tactics being dysfunctional because he used them on me, not them but as they became teens and adults they figured it out, sometimes still are still surprised by his attempts to skew reality.

I'm the one who sets my pace. That gives me hope.

So spot on I set my own pace, not the Narcissist. I am in my happy place now, away from him, and finding myself, my values, and my own happiness. Me and my dogs for now. One day at the time, feeling relaxed and happy, something I haven,t had for years. Thank you for your very inspirational video,s I listen to them every evening after work, off course after I walked my dogs, lolI am a bif fan of your video,s. Thank you soooooooooo much!!!!

this is the best breakdown of the co dependent / narc experience I've ever heard. it describes exactly how several of my relationships with narcs disintegrated and how I responded to their stupidity, I simply had no idea what was going on or what to do, so I responded in very destructive ways. I wish this was available then. I've said this before I'll say it again: more professionals need to get in to the youtube game as not a single other of the literally thousands of videos on narcissists and how to deal with them has broken this subject down to its respective parts so well and so effectively without rambling on and on endlessly. Your brevity Les really works - no endless prattle, just cut right to the meat. Richard Brannon for all the good stuff he says really needs to watch your series, he's become unwatchable with his penchant for hour long plus rambling and circular dissertations.

I watched this video 3 times. of all your videos, and they are all helpful, I found this to be most poignant because it helped me understand my own behavior.

you are a life save rright now Dr. I can't thank you enough. My ex dropped off the last of my things today, he didn't even realize it would have been our two yr anniversary. Seeing your examples and signs has made this a much healthier break, I'm ready to move on this time. Thank you for clarifying that I love myself and he's undermined that. Thank you. You words literally hit everything he's said and everything I've doubted about myself. I feel like you are talking directly to me in these videos. Bless you doctor for helping us find our core confidence and integrity, and the knowledge to maintain it, again.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks, and stay strong! Dr. C

@trishthedishluna

5 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Dr. C, i'm trying.

@trishthedishluna

5 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism do you have a video to help avoid being pulled back in?

Great video! Thank you for posting. You make something so complex become clear and simple.

@torrihoward9729

5 жыл бұрын

Amen 🙏

To answer your question, Dr. Carter, yes. I can think like that. I'm learning every day. Thank you.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

That's the answer I was hoping for! Dr. C

Thank you for this keeper video, listening 3yrs later but better late than never.💯👍🙂

Thank you for these videos. I finally have confirmation that I’m not crazy and what I thought was going on actually is. So saw the pattern in it’s full glory this morning and saw him constantly redirecting it all back at me, denying stealing from me even though I watched him do it. Calling attorney. A lot of years in this toxic relationship. Pray I don’t cave.

Thank you for this video. Your very calm way of presenting the problem and solution is very helpful and very easy to listen to.

@SurvivingNarcissism

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you. When I was in grad school, a professor taught me that your demeanor is the best therapeutic tool in the box. Actually the same is true for lay people who are trying to find influence with family, friends, coworkers, etc. Perhaps you can take that as a challenge! Dr. C

Bam! Thanks, Dr. Les. This? Yes, I need it. Listening again to mine this and list my challenges. Thank you.

Beautiful video, I'm gonna do my best to summarize... 1. Normal healthy people are dependent to some degree (mood affected by outside events and people) 2. In a co-dependent relationship:- -mood becomes imbalanced -both you and the narc replicate early life dysfunction -strong tendency to get defensive -Nurse idealistic fantasies -Perpetuate false self image (narcs for manipulation, you might do it to protect your vulnerabilities) -A lot of Blame and accusation -Unhealthy lifestyle choices (esp approval and validation seeking from others) -You feel like the victim 3.The cure is contemplative thinking -you define what it means to be healthy (Dr Carter's examples: calmness, firmness and boundaries balanced with patience and decency, steadiness and respect) ^^try your best to conduct your life with the values you deem important. You're not a reactor but rather an initiator of your moods and goodness. Take good care to not let your mood be dependent on someone who is deeply emotionally unhealthy.