And even when you realize as a teenager that you’re mom is not always right you still go along with mom because not going along would set off an endless chain of arguments why she is right and the discussion would be just too draining.

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

I realized this as a very young kid, Dad is the narc. He didn't like that I didn't believe his nonsense. My victory.

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

The victory took about 54 years, though,but worth it!

@jamifenton3846

3 ай бұрын

I knew for many years that my dad was a covert narcissist, however did not realize until I was 58, that my mom was also a COVERT narcissist.😮 Life changing realization!!! I am an empath, and my mom used me as her go-to for my entire life. Until now…. I’ve had to cut ties for my own mental health, which is really hard to do when your parents are early eighties. But they are also still practicing narcs, so as long as I know they are well cared for, I have claimed my self preservation as most important for MY future.

As a 47-year-old daughter of a covert narcissistic mother, it's really tough to fully accept that my mother will never get it. I understand it and I even can put myself in her shoes, but as a daughter, I crave so much a loving mother which I never had. I'm on the way to heal myself. Fortunately since I found out the deep root of my low self esteem and my nihilism, which doesn't stem from me but from someone else, I could gather some inner strength and I begin to feel worthy and valuable. Not long ago I told my mother about my suicidal thoughts and her answer was: "before you do that, think of your mother". I can't imagine a more selfish and self-absorbed reaction.

@eqvis78

8 ай бұрын

I feel you. I'm 45 and on my way and accepting my mothers illness is the most difficult and hurting part...

@prod.murmur

7 ай бұрын

Same I even wrote a 1000 word essay on all my inner thoughts and how I needed space to heal. She completely had no empathy and is angry I am distancing myself from her. Slandering my name to my siblings, mocking how “sensitive “ I am and how it is my fault for taking her “difficult personality “ so personally. Basically she is the victim and I am an ungrateful and dramatic child who doesn’t deserve to be understood and comforted. I don’t want to say I hate her but my body does and it reacts by harming myself. My low self esteem, my depression and anxiety. I made up my mind to leave because I finally want to live in my truth and be happy. I want to be free for the first time in my life. I just pray she doesn’t cause my siblings too much stress

@teevee826

4 ай бұрын

Same here! And my sister is also a narcissist. My sister ruled the house and my mother allowed it to keep peace for herself. And I became the scapegoat and had to swallow my feelings and hurt and sit alone in my head feeling crazy for feeling the way I did. Because if not, I faced the wrath of both my mom and sister. I really never had a chance in life. I’m 48 and just realizing why I’m so screwed up in the head. Low self esteem and guilt that consumes me. And they still call me crazy.

@Mellowmichelle

4 ай бұрын

I wish I knew all this sooner I’m almost 50 and realized my mom is covert, she actually doesn’t even like me, she has resentment jealously passive aggressiveness towards me and all I’ve done is give. I’m done and losing my family over it I’ve realized almost all my issues have stemmed from this and getting away from it I may heal

@LaykaSnail

13 күн бұрын

I get you, my mom is also a covert narcissist who has been physically and emotionally abusive to me. It is also difficult for me to deal with the desire to have a loving mother, the grief about it is very hard, to accept the fact that I will never have it because I am no longer a child so the only chance of that have gone.

Depending on the severity of the mother’s narcissism , the abuse starts in infancy, the lack of mirroring and total disinterest in the child is extremely damaging.

@kentneumann5209

6 ай бұрын

Jesus. Everything she sez in this vid and others is so dead on. I wish I could trust in the foster care system to be a better situation than their home life for a couple of kids who are the victims of their narcissistic mother. They are tribal members and as such, they can only be fostered within the tribe under federal law. They would go to the mother's father and stepmother by default, already have temporarily, and that is not a good environment. Where they are now is the lessor of evils. The worst part is, her oldest boy has a terminal illness that will first cripple and immobilize him before he succumbs in his mid to late 20's. She has zero compassion for his condition and does the barest minimum in any regard to insure his optimum health or even comfort. Its neglect for sure, but he is still better off being ignored and invalidated than being raised by an abusive severe alcoholic and a narcissistic drug addict that are already abusing the foster care system for other grandkids and the monthly check which they used to buy and make payments on a new Corvette. None of those kids see a dime of the money provided for their care. Its all so fucked up. I am powerless legally and financially to act on their behalf. All I can do is be there for them and try to offset her ignoring them by spending time with them and counter act her invalidating them by acknowledging and encouraging them. By loving them. I never wanted to be responsible for the care of anyone. I like irresponsible freedom. Im not even related to any of them. I don't receive any money for what I do. I sleep on the couch and eat when I feed her kids. The cunt uses food as a weapon to try to control me. Instead of buying any bread for the last month with her food stamps EBT, she spent it on her daily dose of $5 coffees and $3 candy bars. So I learned how to make homemade bread for me and the kids. Anyway, I could go on forever about how terrible she is and how much I give of myself for nothing in return except being victimized too. Thanks for listening.

Accept that they will never change. Hard news, but it's strangely comforting to hear. I don't have to bother trying anymore.

I instinctively started grey rocking years ago, but it didn't take long for me to decide what I really wanted was no contact. Grey rocking didn't feel like a real relationship where I could share my true self with the other person, it felt like playing pretend and just grinning and bearing things for the sake of a person I didn't even like.

I'M 59 years old, and my mom still acts surprised when I say I don't like something she likes. I never have. My whole life, but she still assumes I do. She will often makes me feel guilty for not liking it.

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

My dad, instead. I pretend to go along and do what I want, anyway, his loss! He still tries to control me; it isn't working. My victory! :-)

Having a covert higly narcissistic (scores 9 out of 9 traits any day) mom I can say with confidence that grey rock might not work. It didn't work for me, she is like a super intelligent evil AI who finds easyly small cracks on the surface of the rock and seeps in like poisoned water... So if you try grayrock and it doesn't work, don't bother mourn them and move on with life. No contact was the best contact to be honest.

Interesting your take on the narcissist not hitting their child. I would bet the farm my late father would be diagnosed with NPD and he NEVER missed an opportunity to beat the hell out of me with a leather belt. I was eleven years of age when one of my uncles moved next door. One day during a beating he came out of nowhere, grabbed my father's hand that he was beating me with and stopped it. My uncle told him that this stops now and he had never even hear of it happening again. That was the last beating I ever received from my father.

My father was a malignant narcissist who put my mother through Hell. He did the same to me the eldest daughter. He seemed to hate women which began with his mother and five older sisters. I didnt stand a chance. But after a lifetime of therapy i have emerged almost whole and almost recovered. Knowledge is power.

She hated my hair, yelled at me for my hair. Would sniff the underarms of my shirts, check my underwear at 11 years old--yell at me and accuse me. Would 'clean' my room for me. Would search for diaries. Told me at 10 that my teachers thought I was sociopathic, but she was THE ONLY ONE standing up for me. Boys would only want me for sex; I had no other reason for existing in their minds. Was never physically kind, would tell me it was 'too warm, you need to get away from me'. When my favorite dog (and pretty much only friend) ran away after we moved (I was 5)--neighbors came by and told us where our dog was. She refused to go. I know she was under a horrible amount of stress. I know she went through some horribly hard times when she was young. But she destroyed me. I was never worthy of love or attention. What I cared about wasn't worthwhile. And here I am, in my 50s, still believing I'm pretty much unworthy of love or kindness. And I still look for reasons to defend her, and still hope someone will somehow show me I'm worthy of love. Please be good to yourselves. Please don't believe other peoples' issues are yours to own. And please love fiercely and compassionately. So many people need that.

@izzypaynee

5 ай бұрын

I want to give you a massive hug

@liliann8346

5 ай бұрын

thank you, sweetheart. That means a lot. I'm hoping to be okay in the next life. ;) @@izzypaynee

@izzypaynee

5 ай бұрын

lots of love

@penyarol83

3 ай бұрын

I hope you can get to the bottom of your wound, fullly grieve it, and release yourself from all those untrue beliefs. For me, reading Alice Miller helped me do that. Wishing you the best of luck.

@liliann8346

3 ай бұрын

Thank you. Your suggestion is v appreciated- I’m at the point (antidepressants for literal decades, therapy that raised issues but gave me no solutions) where I don’t know where to go from here, except just making peace and hoping to do better the next time around. (😂😂😂no big thing. I’m too numb to truly care.) OMG I am truly a mess, aren’t I? I will look into Ms. Miller. I appreciate the suggestion❤️

I too worked for many years as psychotherapist and I am impressed how clearly you explain the dynamics in living with a dysfunctional parenting system . Of course the child lives with feelings of inadequacy and shame and guilt. Their needs are always in conflict with their parents needs. Can you guess I too had a narcissistic parent who always looked perfect and was wonderful to my friends and extended family . I was criticised but praised to to others…realised early on that this was to make them look good.

When my mom couldn’t manipulate me, she threw outrageous tantrums like a hysterical idiot.

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

Dad acts this way. He's always been this way. His problem.

@notherepim

Ай бұрын

Same

@sidneylowery1543

26 күн бұрын

Mine did that and also physically assaulted me.

I’ve been reading so many comments. I just want you all to know, please, that you all are wonderful, strong, inspiring. I would do anything to take the judgements, the pain away. You all were wonderful children who so deserved to be loved, held dear, cherished, to be told by the person who in your eyes understood life and how it worked that you deserve a place in that world, that you deserve respect, and you are worthy of love, admiration, effort.

Your videos have been a huge blessing. I’ve been binge watching them. I’m going no contact with my covert narcissistic mother. I’m done with the mind games and manipulation. I have my first therapy session in a few days! 🙏

@maegancondit7236

3 ай бұрын

I just went no contact with my mother. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. Therapy helped me get to this decision and I’m so grateful. Good luck to you!

My father would rage for hours everyday and when he found out the neighbors thought what they thought, he blamed it on us. Its infuriating and frustrating. I left at 14 and no one even looked for me. Its ok, maybe it was for the best. Anything is better than that.

@cynthiahill3426

10 ай бұрын

Wow, i had the same type dad, add alcohol. I wanted to leave at 14 but didn't want to leave my younger siblings to the abuse... I hope youre doing well today.

@lisarendine9791

10 ай бұрын

@@cynthiahill3426 I'm doing well, thank you. I haven't spoken to my brother or sister in over 20 years. Idk where they are, I pray they're ok.

@thewonderfulworldofkatushya950

6 ай бұрын

​@@lisarendine9791bro call them before it's too late

"Mom, why did you let dad beat the shit out of me so often?" - "Better you than me!" was her response.

@williammooney8499

9 ай бұрын

I can relate to that, Im sorry.

@tatjanastojanovic9037

8 ай бұрын

Frightening 😳

@harleyanne3720

8 ай бұрын

Yup.

@farhhana9336

2 ай бұрын

Damn ....🫠

@abd4175

Ай бұрын

Oh my God that's dreadful. I am so sorry 😔

As a fellow psychotherapist, I thoroughly enjoyed this. Your examples were spot on and helped with identifying and understanding the concept. Hats off!

Barbara, I've watched so many videos on narcissism and yours is the first that has been helpful to me. Two things seem to go wrong with other presenters: either they get too clinical and I zone out, or they indulge in their presentation in a way that makes me feel like I'm actually listening to a narcissist - they aren't telling us this because they want to help but because they want us to know that THEY know something, and it really feels like they are using the topic for the purpose of getting more revenue from their KZread Channel. Anyway, thank for explaining these concepts - especially how my father, who doesn't seem to be narcissistic, would play that role in order to appease my mother, who is the narcissist.

@idkwhodos2840

3 ай бұрын

Yes, I love how compassionately she explains it. Other KZreadrs seem so angry and I really don't think that's helpful.

My mother never "convinced" me to wear what she wanted when I was younger. She said I would wear what she wants or I can go outside naked and get dressed out there. But me as an adult, she would do that for other stuff, she would say "you don't want that".. I would say, No YOU don't want that. You have no idea what tf *I* want smh

@penyarol83

3 ай бұрын

That level of control over another person is just unreal 🤦🏻‍♀️ So glad you are able to see through it.

The covert narcissist victim card thing didn’t work on me bc I don’t empathise but it was horrible bc it became “see my child is so horrible she doesn’t care about me” to make others hate me

@Brandi3684

10 ай бұрын

I have experienced this with my mother too!

@yasminkpakra-doran4907

5 ай бұрын

my mum relentlessly does this to me

One key factor that was confusing about my mother is she was a California 1960's hippy baby boomer to the hilt. Therefore many of the conventional ideas about wearing "the right things" or "looking properly" were completely irrelevant. She didn't care too much about what I wore, mainly because that was too much effort. For her, it was all about her "cool mother image". She wanted to seem like the coolest mother ever and if you dared act like a kid and "force" her to be a mother and have to discipline you, she'd instantly threaten you with abandonment. Consequently you had to be perfect at all times so she could take the credit for being such a fantastic mother. I don't know if any of this is making any sense. It's so crazy making. My sister and I went no contact with her over 12 years ago. We thought she would be very upset but she basically doesn't give a crap. She gets her supply elsewhere.

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

I was born into the "Age of Aquarius" but am from Massachusetts, but get what you are writing. Dad expected blind obedience, he didn't get that. His problem. Not mine, anymore!

When I was 5 or 6, my mother would introduce me to her colleagues as an edited and corrected version of herself, like i was some sort of inanimate book. So confusing.

Spot on🙏Thank you🙏Now starts grieving, then healing.

I'm pretty sure about 10 years old I went from golden child to scapegoat. Messed me up pretty bad.

My mom was obsessed with appearance and it was like we had this fake nice looking performance we would have to do. She still does this, I'm 36... big showy hugs, or she'll call me 'honey' in front of people (eww).

My mother favoured my siblings, overtly obviously almost rubbing it in my face, yet put me on display in front of everyone. She kicked me out just before my 15th birthday and didn't talk to me again until I was 18. She would talk negatively about me to my sister's, but use me whenever she needed anything, then go back to not speaking to not speaking to me. Rinse, lather, repeat. Why is she able to show a form of love to my sister's, but not me? I stopped talking to her 2 years ago and went through the grieving process, yet it still hurts that I was unloved and a burden growing up.

@CChartier1

2 ай бұрын

That is how they are. I had two older sisters who were always in trouble, but she favored them and always put them on pedestals. I lived with my grandparents until I was five. Moved out when I was 14. Now, she is 89 and I am 65 and she calls me to do everything for her because she does not want to bother them. They do not invite me for Holiday gatherings or family get togethers. But if it has to do with work, I am the one she calls. I am not doing it anymore.

I was raised in a family of 11 children. I was the golden child…until I wasn’t, really that happened when I decided to have my own thoughts and make my own decisions. My dad was an overt narcissist until he got help a few years ago, and my mom is the covert narcissist. Listening to this and realizing just how messed up everything was growing up and understanding that I am not being ungrateful or overly critical of my parents for my childhood experiences. (Including childhood sexual trauma) Very validating right now especially since I’m basically ostracized by my family for having to step away. (Makes you doubt yourself sometimes) I can’t really blame them because they aren’t as aware…

I am over 60 and have had 30 plus years of therapy and I just don't heal. I am never OK even if I am polite and do the right thing. My level of worthlessness is frightening.

@ddigiorgio8438

4 ай бұрын

Perhaps your goal in therapy needs to be less about "being polite and doing the rigjt thing." Still trying to please your narc. He/she will never change, will never acknowledge your efforts. Instead, be good to yourself. Good luck. Been there myself.

@penyarol83

3 ай бұрын

I struggled to heal for 15 years until I found Alice Miller. It is very possible. But requires a willingness to defy your internalized parents, to feel your justified rage and even hatred for them, and to grieve intensely. It is a huge process, but you can do it. Best of luck.

This brought back a memory of us getting ready to go to church (I was maybe 11 or 12) and suddenly my father decided that the way I wore my hair in a side part was not on. Mind you, I'd been wearing it like that for a fair while from memory. Now you know how stupid it looks if you just change a hair part without washing first, but no, I had to change to a middle part and essentially look weird and feel totally embarrassed, just so that he was happy with his sudden, and seemingly quite deranged decision about how I should look.

@keithstewart7514

3 ай бұрын

Parents (ours) demand that their children submit & subscribe to crazy making.keeping us confused is game 1.

Wow thank you for validating my whole life with my covert mother

@BarbaraHeffernan

10 ай бұрын

So sorry to hear 😢 but I’m glad this was validating. I do think it helps to understand! Wishing you health and healing.

all my life growing up my Dad up in heaven would say to me & my siblings were good for nothing 😔 & still today it's affecting me 😞

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

😥 sorry to hear that, but I do understand. I wonder if separating from that voice would be helpful...

@lisarendine9791

10 ай бұрын

Me too, it plays over and over in your head. But we know that's not true. You're a valuable person. ❤

@carolynwright3026

10 ай бұрын

Sometimes it just takes years to find the harmful behavior is not really about me it is the inadequate parent! May God bless you on your healing journey ❤

@garyconstant4234

10 ай бұрын

Yes I really do believe that, my father has pretty much destroyed me and I’m 62 but I’ll keep trying to feel better and hopefully it might get a bit better

@cheryl1909

10 ай бұрын

I'm 62 years old and if yr parents never respected you as their child well we have lost nothing--- less is more and I soldier on in life the best way I can--- alot of people in this world of today show very little compassion for others--- we are living in our last days--- Mathew 3 verse 2----- juses is the way and my best friend---- theirs real victory is in christ over all man kind---- we get a manual to drive a car and our manual to get through on this battle field is our bible!!!! I soldier on and challenge every hard storm and some times the mountains get very steep---- iv made it to the top as God is my guidance and salvation in christ----

So on point. I have an overt narcissist mother and my son is married to a covert narcissist. 😢

I agree with your statement and I'm experiencing that now with my character disturb wife and her toxic family ( father, sisters, etc). She is mad that I don't want to accept her and her toxic family anymore. It was a bait-and-switch marriage and I have come to accept my role in it because I relaxed my boundaries. Nonetheless, these types of people are a pariah in society and need to be exposed. They cause nothing but pain and suffering when people encountered them. It is only one way to handle a bully and that is to stand up to them.

@KHGuitars

9 ай бұрын

What your saying is the exact same thing I’m going through… stay strong.

Thank you for a great video. Everything you said is true. I experienced it.

That's how the ex-wife explains our child. All the good things our daughter do is from her (meaning bad behaviour is from me) and that it is because she gave our daughter a good upbringing that she does well (no our daughter was not raised by a single parent). The superficial part I agree with 100% it is all about what the child looks like and can do and not so much about how the child feels.

Yes! My mother is a covert narcissist. My father is a grandiose narcissist & my stepfather was a psychopath.

I feel like that all the time. I gave up my life trying ti please my parents. It took all the joy out of my life. My father used ti say that to me, Now I am at a point in my life where I have no life of my own anymore. I gave all my power away and now I am depleted of all the goodness life has to offer.

@elizabethp17

10 ай бұрын

It's never too late, look for help and reclaim the joy of your life back. I've been there and now I'm so much better. It's not easy but it's really well worth it. Wish you the best ❤

@percubit10

10 ай бұрын

@@elizabethp17 I used to be playful and had joy. Being around my mither has taken all of that from me. I have no more joy in my life.

@bethsharma4766

3 ай бұрын

​@@percubit10I know it's exhausting and they suck the life from us but it's not too late. You can take back your life. You can start small and then go bigger!

@penyarol83

3 ай бұрын

You need to stand up to them (even if it’s only in your mind) and take your power back. Don’t wait for them to give it to you. They won’t.

I recently found your channel and I am so glad I did. You are so down to earth and humble and it looks like you really want to help people, not trying to be high and important like some of the others I have been following before. I also find your videos much more clear and informative. Thank you for making these videos.

You are very good at describing these dynamics. Hearing someone else identify the problems is so helpful because as a child you just take in the experience; that's all you can do. What the narcissistic parent DOESN'T do is also significant. For example, not being proud of your achievements because they don't want you to outshine them. Never mentioning your successes to others, never acknowledging your good qualities to others. Being totally oblivious when you are suffering, even when you attempt to ask for help. Not providing basic parental instruction and guidance (explaining sex, teaching you how to drive, teaching you how to manage money, etc). If it's uncomfortable (explaining sex), they just don't deal with it, and they are unaware that as a parent they have a responsibility to teach you the ropes, so to speak. It doesn't occur to them to consider what you need or how you feel.

It's more than your needs don't matter; you are lead to believe that you have NO needs.

@BarbaraHeffernan

10 ай бұрын

Yes, unfortunately, that is a better way to say it.

This was hard to watch. I sorta got a double whammy with my overt narcissist father and my covert narcissist mother. They would feed off each other and my mother would often set my brother and myself up with an agreement and then she would go and tell our father that we went behind her back and just did whatever we wanted when that wasn't ever the truth. He would in turn explode on us. And when they got into each other's faces, it was extremely volatile. I only speak to my parents through text on birthdays and only see them at Christmas. And every year I have the worst anxiety over Christmas and it has nothing to do with the holiday and the usual stress that comes with it.

Hi, Barbara! I was seeing this video yesterday, then I started having a flashback, so I stopped it. My mom is(I am 0 contact 4 years already), very very covered narcissist, which makes it even harder to find my wounds, and identify her as the one who caused it. But the subconscious mind doesn t lie, as yesterday I didn t find my answer... And I dreamt of her again in one of her pity ploits... Interesting is, that as opposed as one I was a child, I don t pay attention to her victimization/manipulation. My mother used to tell me as a child, that somebody hit her with a stone in a strike at the school she was a teacher. I lost my granny(her mom), when I was 8, so imagine how terrible to feel you would lose her too. As she was soo covered, it was hard to really find where she played the star and grabbed all the attention. I found it. I was always sad, concerned, for this rather far person. With narcissists is not only what they do, but what they don t do... Always forget to go to school reunions(ashaming the child more and more), prefering work over the child(always), and never being there in special ocassions(Christmas, etc). But then, the only time I travelled first class was with my mom, or she was there by my graduation, which makes it even more confusing... Reason why is soo important to hold your own version tight. I saw people who adored her(me included), never coming back again. The very last time I visited her, I travelled 14 hours as I live in another continent... They were nice, but she decided to spent christmas with my brother in Florida, without even caring to tell me. I decided to follow her(as always),... And is a neverending circle with narcissists... At the end I found videos on narcissists and opted to heal... Pd:she is still alive. The supposed brain tumor 🧠was all a lie(of course)

@rosemadder5547

11 ай бұрын

This is so familiar. I'm proud of you for going no contact, I never could yet. I can't remember much before 12 or 14, but it was just me and my brother had our mom growing up and I still have nightmares about that house. The thing it took me a long time to see: even in like 4th grade, my mom would sabotage my friendships out of jealousy. She taught me to not trust ppl. "She doesnt sound like a REAL friend" Like you said, she basically ruined my chance at school. I don't know if you've tried therapy but I hear it helps with the repressed memory and dreams etc..

@keithstewart7514

10 ай бұрын

Narcopathetic families out live those they abuse with good health for them only & amazingly so with us being a problem child so young, bs is their driving force.

Re: your video; If your parent is a narc/signs to look out for. I have searched for years to clarify my mother’s behavior. Could NOT think of her as a narc. Dad was. Then you offered the info that perhaps mom, after suffering her own abuse, then BECAME narcissistic in her behaviors, although she was not a narc. This info was SO VERY HELPFUL TO ME! I have had the good fortune to have had a loving mother, but she “turned”, so to speak. I have tried for decades to figure all of this out. It is important that I DO figure it out, as I have been living with mom for 6 yrs. now, caring for her (she’s 91). I have needed to sort this out. She doesn’t always know how she behaves, I think. THANK YOU for these insights. Would love to hear if others “get” what I am trying to express.

Thank you so much. I listened attentively to your video and I wondered if I might have been a narcissist as a parent at times. I'll be looking at more videos of yours. They are very educative and helpful

9:10 Even though it's hard to accept, imo the pain of what they do to harm you makes it a lot easier, assuming you're not a masochist. I'm not a masochist. I tried to make them happy but that was fool's folly, a real lesson.

I used to feel like if I didn't fight my mom's advise etc. I would disappear. My whole life was trying to be me, but having to also to get along with her. So end result...a lifetime of stress, illness like migraines etc. It goes on and on. 3 years she got into a rage & disowned me. That is when I started to know about the mental disorder...and started to heal. I am 70 years old...and look back and try not to feel like I had a wasted life, but all the drama was a very long lesson in life.

Nice job. Thank you, Barbara.

@BarbaraHeffernan

6 ай бұрын

Thank you!

Excellent video. Careful, sensitive and instructive. I love the kind but highly professional tone on your channel. Thank you for your work.

My mom thinks that I got all of my positive traits from her, and all of my negative traits from everyone else but her 😂🤡🎉

Thank you!❤️

Looking back at what my covert narc mother did I can see that she put time and effort into the 2 Golden Children and elevated them. The 3 kids in the middle were the ones that got looked down upon and no effort was put into their emotional health, decent clothing, and positive attention. She did not see the 3 middle kids as an extension of herself but rather as tools to mock, put down, and compare to the Golden Children who happen to be the eldest and the youngest who also happen to be the most attractive of the 5 of us. The two Golden Children are still part of her life. Of the 3 kids in the middle, two of us are no contact while the other one passed away a few years ago. I waited to initiate no contact until it got down to me, her, and the 2 Golden Children. I knew that nothing good was going to happen to me with those three ganging up on me.

I remember it being okay until I was SA'd at 7-8. Then I wasn't good anymore.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

So sorry to hear that… amazing how consistent the pattern is. I hope this helps in your healing - none of it was your fault. Truly.

Tries to please the narc so becomes the servant - the Cinderella of the family.

I recently talked to my ex about our daughter. On a test, it came out that she has an IQ of 127, so maybe we needed to find some special school or activity for her. He quickly replied "so what? Mine is 140". And blah blah blah he started talking about himself. Also, it was obviously a lie because in 15 years of marriage he never told me.

8:19 I fully agree that this suggestion is useful in most cases, but I wouldn't say it's always applicable. For example, even though my father was never able to "get it", my grandma, on the other hand, actually could, even if partially. She still sometimes tries acting in a manipulative way, but it's no longer as intense, and if I establish strong boundaries and affirm that I love and respect her as a human being, not as a perfect version of herself, she is at least trying to stop the toxicity and manipulations. 7:26 And yes, my grandpa, as a spouse of a narcissist (he is not a narcissist at all, and maybe even a victim, but he is still compliant), was always "buying into the whole story", trying to make the kids and the grandkids to go along with my grandma's narcissistic manipulations. And in such cases, it's not doubly, but by an order of magnitude harder to resist a narcissist's manipulations. But in situations when he is not around, I can point out errors in my grandma's thinking and, although she might become defensive, or even become offended at times, she eventually understands how a non-narcissistic person would act. In situations when I am alone with my grandma, I feel like she actually gets it, but sometimes forgets, or does not see the toxicity of her narcissistic behavior. But she does behave better after a gentle reminder.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing - your story could be very helpful to others! And yes, in some of my other videos on boundaries, I do say it is worth trying... and if the person is responsive - great! I should have qualified that in here!

How do I heal when my narcisstic parents died and the worst damage was done to me before their death? In my case, my mother got denentia and my narcisstic father controlled and abused her to the point that I had to give up my job to protect her. Socal services did nothing. Two months after I quit my job they both died and I was left with funeral costs and a sibling flying half way across the world for her inheritance share? She got everything (to keep me further entangled in the web of narcissism) on top of already being rich and I got trauma, job loss and the street? This was 45 years after being a servant to their toxicity, violence and abuse? I have no idea how to go on again, let alone heal? The only thing stopping me from suicide is I don't want to end up in the same place as my father. I don't wish to see him ever again.

Wow, this is so so helpful thank you!

I’ve hated my mom since I was3.

@moringagreen6925

3 күн бұрын

😢

So helpful! ❤

Parents trying to control my wardrobe in my 30s. Religious shame for not being a Christian anymore. All I get is disrespect. The idea of individuality still does not exist for my father, my mother died a month and a half ago and was still trying to force me to change my hair because it disgusted her.

Thank you so much for your teaching and this channel ❤❤😊

Important and helpful video! Thank you. 💗

What about the 3rd parent, the oldest sibling?

Awesome! I passed the test with the dramatic person in the class group project by gray rocking them!

Thanks for your videos and your great and easy-to-understand examples! Do you have any videos about how to overcome the fears that growing up like this can cause? Specifically, I'm afraid of people hurting me AND that I won't be able to defend myself (which might be a leftover of not feeling "good enough"). All the drama and violence in the world right now clearly aren't helping that, so I'm hoping for some advice on how I can feel safer. I've done a lot of healing work, but this is what is currently holding me back. Thanks!

My narcissist mother and narcissist ex-husband ganged up on me together. She defends him when he is abusive. He is the same with her. Together they overpower me and that makes them feel better about themselves.

So right. They have no idea, or interest in how their behaviour affects others.

I hope you will spend more time on this subject.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

OK, thanks for letting me know. Wishing you the best!

@satyabhamakrishnan108

11 ай бұрын

​@@BarbaraHeffernanplease mam explain why children of narcisst parent especially father becomes flying monkeys or narcissist themselves ??is it that these children's don't have any sort of empathy in them because of they had some conscience they would have become a scapegoat ?? Right mam??

@idkwhodos2840

3 ай бұрын

​@@BarbaraHeffernan It would be really helpful to have a video for partners of these children - how do we help them heal? Thank you ❤

True..never try to talk to the parent about it, will only fause argument and more dimishining, pity parties.

My parents never got it!!!!!!! 100% true!!!!!!

3:11 those indirect orders in the form of questions are the story of my life. They would be repeated until I complied, totally dismissing the fact that I'm a person with my own criteria and ability to take decisions (even as an adult, it hasn't changed). My father used to say to my mom "your wishes are orders to me" (he meant it in a good way). The thing about "it's always about them, instead of the child's development needs" is exactly right. She just wants her dose of maternal instinct being fulfilled, but only at the superficial level of it. She didn't raise me to be an independent, competent person who can deal with the world, but the exact opposite, so that I would always need her due to my weakness and fragility. Fortunately, she failed on that regard. Took me a long time, tho, and I developed AvPD, or at least avoidant attachment style. After my parents divorced, my father told me once "I'm happy on my own". He was quite isolated, so I didn't believe him. Now I understand.

4:00 then you grow up and are incapable of figuring out what you actually want. Like what do you mean what IIII want? I want you to be happy and thats it.

Nothing I ever did was good enough, anything I worked hard for and I achieved by myself, my mother told me I was skylarking . If I got up close to my Dad he growled and lurched towards me, he never cuddled me not once, nor did my mother, i broke my father's antenna on his car and he whipped my legs with it, I bought it up to him and he turned everyone against me , I'm isolated from my family, I'm the last child, I'm the child that didn't exist..

your such a blessing Doc.. Can i request to do a video about having heart anxiety mainly about ectopics andcan this be treated with a CBT alone? thank you so much Doc. btw Im from Philippines. I suffered from anxiety symptoms. my labs , 2D echo , ecg thyroid were normal. I am on 1 yr post partum. My ectopics started last Jan 2023 . But back on Oct 2022, I had my 1st panic attack that I think makes me agoraphobic . I never seek for a psych and i search for a solutions like finding helpful infos regarding my condition instead til I found you. And I believe that God brings me here.. By the way Im an RN here in PH since 2012. But for years Im stuck at home for my kids.. Thank you Doc. I really appreciate your efforts in making these videos.

My Mother the stay-at-home Mom, was the Narcissist, she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. My father was a very busy man and her enabler, he was beaten down. He believed lies about why my Mother would beat us, assault us, etc, and rarely intervened (just twice that I can remember in my childhood until I left the house for college). My brother was mistreated as well so...now they are 88 years old and my brother in Portland Oregon is NO Contact for 6 years and I am No Contact since 1978.I live on the East Coast and our parents are in the central states of Ohio and Indiana. Our Mother had a difficult childhood, however, our father did not. He grew up in a firm but stable environment. Our parents are paying for the years they ignored, abused, and told us that we were nothing. Neither my brother nor I have any children or have sympathy for our parents. We grew up learning that children were an imposition on parents and if you had children, then you would have nothing materially. This was from an upper-middle-class home, we had good food, clothing, and gifts on birthdays and Christmas--the days when our Mother could be {nice for the day). Later on, I realized that she was reliving her own childhood through us. Our grandparents (all now deceased), aunts, and uncles are also NO contact and have been since before my brother and I could understand why.

Es algo tan doloroso 😢 ya no vivo con ellos pero la secuela sigue actualmente sufro fatiga cronica y fibromialgia

Barbara..I would like to learn more..my narcissistic elder patent is dying and surviving spouse is so problematic..and I feel trapped in family systems..I've been grieving the adult child..the 5 year wanting to be with dad.psin.such grief.. child in me..

You're very intelligent thank you for your knowledge. Say people who lived in North Korea for example, would they develop a weird personality in order to adjust to the authorities? If the leader is a narcissist would the follower develop narcissistic persistent narcissistic behaviors even though they wouldn't be otherwise? Personally I wouldn't diagnose my parents as narcissists but I think family members would have their own pent up thing about each other that would make them speculate and conclude stuffs

Big Thank's! I've got a question. Is there any chance to heal narcissistic disorder?

My parents wants to move closer to me and my daughter. But im not invited in where they wanna move, in what area or anything in the process about moving closer to me. Its been like that alle my life. I was never invited about any decisions regarding the family and always been outside looking in. Still they want a close relationship and its very weird to me. Because i think a close relationship is build on sharing and inviting people into your life. Its like im a audience to my parents and they are VIPs.

Gosh, the choices made for you 😢 I was given the choice of 2 spring coats. I made my choice and LOVED IT, but it wasn't hers, she kept questioning me, are you sure, are you sure you dont want this other one ??? At that time i stuck to my choice even though i knew she preferred the other one. Today, I have a picture of me wearing that that coat as a 7yo for an important celebration. And it gives me joy. There was something about clothes my whole life, even a few months ago she sent me a blouse ( I hated) saying she couldn't wait to see me in it at her birthday 😒 dinner. Is humiliating me is her gift? Thankfully, the weather was unseasonably cold, and i didn't need to make any excuse.

Something that my mom will do is set unachievable time limits to do my chores. Like, maybe if I was a superhuman, I could meet the goal, but when I ultimately can't, she says it's because I was too slow, or on my phone, or something. It is never that she set an impossible goal. It's that I'm a bad worker. My mom starts all the fights (with screaming). In those fights (according to her), she always gives 100% percent to your 0%. Learning to drive with her was in nightmare because she was constantly berating me. Every nasty thing she said was justified, and every slightly contrary thing you say is inexcusable. My mom can't just give me compliments. It's that I'm so much better than someone else, which makes me very uncomfortable; my cooking is alright, except for-... Of course, how dare you ever call her out. This is her f***ing house. I could go on, but I'm working myself up just thinking about it. I never had a word for how i cope with my narcissist mom, but when you described the "gray rock," it was so revelatory, like " Oh, that's what I've been doing for the past few years." It feels more like an involuntary shutdown, though.

Jump cuts make the video unwatchable.

They ruin there children so much they just don't realise it

My Father was a narcissist who never approved anything in my life. I knew as a child he was not a normal man. He did not get fed by me. It was impossible to be normal around him. For my own happiness and that of my own family I separated myself for good from him.

This is great for Adult children of Narcissistic Abuse…how will it be stopped for children suffering? It is child abuse.

I always thought my fathers bad behavior towards his kids and wife was because of his alcoholism. Alcoholism can make people so nasty.

I am concerned that you see a problem with positive and negative reinforcement. Hitting not needed.

Dad is a misogynistic narcissist! He doesn't like that I don't fall for his lies. I owe him nothing, as he gave me nothing(emotinally).

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

I am so like mom, the great parent, that I am nothing like Dad, which means, though he is my dad, I am nothing like him, and therefore, no extension of him. His loss!

@jackilynpyzocha662

6 ай бұрын

He tries to unsucessfully pressure me into compliance. It still doesn't work!

And are you sure it’s not wrong of us to have a picture of how we can’t things to be ?

What if she doesnt like my profile pic and said that it's disturbing and i should chage it because it gives people false idea about me(it was a bild of smily camel that looks like "Sid" from ice of age film) !!!! By the way i am not a kid,not a teenager. I am a 38 years old.and i remember when i was a kid she used to tell me all her problems with my dad and left me emotionally destroyed ( because i didn't know what to do and how to make things work better),and we were kind of isolated.and whenever she fights with dad she said( if i left you with your father your life is going to be like hell,so be thankful) (don't make me mad,i am gonna leave you).and if you respond to her you get silent treatment for weeks! And she said your father is a narcissist...sorry for my bad English.

I am a grey rock...

Narcissism is totally normal, for woman over 44 years, and is a major cause for divorce, this is true! do your due diligence on the subject

Necesito urgente terapia al parecer solo juegan igual son psicópata

Ah but why do we have narcissists? What makes a narcissist and surely they probably don't even know they are it, was just the relationship model they inbibed. Both my parents are dead so ........

What if a mother tells her daughter, who is around 9 or 10 years old that she needs to have bangs because she has a high forehead and it will look better and that if she loses weight she will buy her a new wardrobe? Then when shes older, if she doesnt lose weight from her stomach that she wont be able to find the husband that she wants...? Is that mom a narcissist or has she just been abused and confused herself?

my mother was a narcicist and father was a flying monkey!

I am like the sign that says "I do what I want" about cats. I am me. Naps work, so does lasagna, but not "Mondays" Yes, the fictional cat "Garfield", though I am real! Meow!

Both parents & golden child older brother appear to be as Christian. Far from the truth says i the goat that took 58 years to escape. One year woke and the fog continues to lift for me as they do the demonic double down.

Yea they pretended well enough to be great.. Then they weren't😢