When a gift really isn't a gift. (Designed to control)

@simonpegg1196

Жыл бұрын

True. A cage even if made of gold, is a cage at the end of it all.

That’s how parents want to keep control with married kids. Get your own land away from them.

My husband and I severed a lot from his parent's land for $1, and built a house on it, making us next door neighbors. As generously goodhearted as they were, they never quit feeling proprietary about the property, and would do things like bring visitors over to tour the new house without checking with us, and dictating what kind of landscaping we should do. With other people, his parents would always make sure everyone knew how they'd helped us out. We weren't ashamed of the fact, but it became clear they really didn't think of the place as ours and not theirs.This lasted for about three years, and then my husband realized we would never have sole authority over our own home, so we put it up for sale. This caused huge drama in the family that took a long time to heal. People may mean well making such gifts, but neither you nor they ever foresee how they're going to deal with these things.

@aliparker3

Жыл бұрын

Ohhhh man, I'm seeing red just reading that! Bringing people around?

@michaelh2282

Жыл бұрын

Obviously I don't know the whole story but perhaps you should have given the property back to his parents instead of selling it. That probably would have lessened some of the anger with the parents.

@marygraham6966

Жыл бұрын

@@aliparker3 Yes. They did it all during the construction of the house, which wasn't bad, but it continued even after we moved in. I was in the bathtub one evening and had to jump out quickly to lock the bathroom door when I heard my M-I-L leading some friends up the hallway.

@marygraham6966

Жыл бұрын

@@michaelh2282After we'd already built a house on it? I see your point, but it's not like they were paying the mortgage or anything. They wouldn't have been able to sell that land because it was in an area designated agricultural. The only reason we were able to sever the lot was because it was an interfamily transaction. So we didn't diddle them out of any potential income, either. They simply gave us a very nice headstart in being able to build, then never, ever let go of it.

@Mrs.TJTaylor

Жыл бұрын

Your husband is a keeper, very wise move on his part.

The road isn’t even finished and son in law is already getting upset. He shouldn’t go through with it and get his own land

@Myr25636

5 ай бұрын

He isn’t a son-in-law. He’s the guy she’s been engaged to “for a long time”. He’s can’t bring himself to commit to the daughter, but wants to stipulate what her father can and cannot do?? NO! Why should her family listen to this guy who can’t decide if their daughter is good enough to marry after years of being together?

@jborrego2406

6 күн бұрын

​@@Myr25636because there causing issues U might love the person but the family is crazy. An there trying to see if they can deal with it lol

He’s not married. It’s her land hard stop. So it’s on her to make boundaries. Future son in law can’t say get off my land…. he doesn’t have land.

@STMARTIN009

Жыл бұрын

He needs to get his own place.

@nancypicchi9224

6 ай бұрын

He and his live in need to drive to courthouse & make it real. The other option is he should move out.

@bonitagleisle2470

Ай бұрын

Yessssss

Here's the line "We appreciate the land you gave us but we don't feel like it's ours. If you truly want this to be a gift and blessing, please respect our wishes for our plans and do not do anything unless approved by us. If you can't respect our wishes then we would love to buy the land outright or we will move and find another property so we can happily forge our own path." If they press the issue or get defensive about it, immediately walk away because that tells you that they still perceive it as their property and it was a gift in words only.

@anthill1510

4 ай бұрын

This is perfect, you saved me the trouble of formulating my thoughts about this :)

In 2015, our in-laws "saved" us and lead us to believe moving into a mother-daughter type house would fix everyones problems. We wouldnt throw money away on rent, and help the aging in-laws by taking care of the maintenance/snow plowing/lawn mowing etc. But it was always "their house"..I would come home from work to find MIL in my closet looking at my stuff, FIL had terrible dementia and was physically aggressive, they would bring Friends over and sit at OUR table to eat dinner. But they were horribly abusive to my son, telling him to "go away" and he "may have a disorder". That was my dealbreaker. And when they spontaneously sold the house from underneath us, i was about to go to the police. We thankfully were able to purchase a little piece of heaven, but doing so realized MIL stole my husbands credit. I'm so thankful we got out of that mess. Anyone thinking of putting yourself in this situation make sure your parents or in-laws arent mine.

Just go get your own place.

This guy has been engaged to this woman “for a long time” and “hasn’t got around” to marrying her? Then he’s nothing! He’s not a son-in-law, he’s not a member of the family. Then who the crap is he to say what the owner can and can’t do. He’s a guy on the periphery who keeps close to the exit in case something better comes along. She should dump him, move him out of her family’s house, and find someone who’s not a user.

Don’t take the land. Hard to walk away from in the short term, will add years to one’s life in the long run.

I love my parents but the idea of being next door neighbors with them (on land they gave us) is stomach churning

You’re making a mistake break free of her parents. Do it as quickly as you can. This road doesn’t lead to more happiness. It leads to more drama and anxiety.

@log7029

Жыл бұрын

I still remember the time I realized that someones family can indeed ruin a relationship

The father-in-law "to be" will always be a pain in his tail because the old guy thinks this is normal and in his mind will always think that it's still his land. Deal breaker if he can't handle this family dynamic.

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

@@wordsalad01 Or, option 3..leave her and move on because this scenerio isn't off to a great start for this dude.

Nope, this is never going to work. The inlaws will keep disrespecting their wishes. I would be furious if someone mowed down my newly planted trees.

And this is why I don’t accept gifts from certain people anymore.

This is why we moved off the family farm and bought our own.

Maybe I missed it, did he explain if the 'gifted' 10 acres was deeded over, or if it's just a guesture? Cause if it isn't deeded, that's a whole other problem.

OR ...... 1. The future father-in-law is using his actions as a 'pissing contest' - ie asserting OWNERSHIP over the land by trampling/driving all over it (I notice he hasn't yet signed over to the young couple) 2. The future father-in-law is doing this on purpose because he doesn't like his future son-in-law and this is his (not very subtle) way of showing it, in the knowledge his daughter won't challenge him about it.

The father-in-law doesn't care about the future son-in-law. Fil whacked down a row of trees he planted. Get out, get your own land. Fil will keep ruining everything you do.

My grandparents gave my aunts and uncles a slice of the family farm when they got married but then they left them alone and let them live

Mowing someones hay field? That is potentially thousands of dollars in revenue lost for the neighbors

Just never got around to asking her to marry him, he's got decision issues already.

he's given you 10 acres. You have given him a focus, a purpose, a way to play with his big toys...

Get your own house or condo. The gift is a trap. If she wants to move in with you fine. If not see you later.

It's a common tactic parents pull with their adult children, everytime they come over they break something. I would love to hear a psychologist analyze why they do it. This guy is not the first story I've heard like this.

@Sam-lo6rt

Жыл бұрын

I feel like parents might do it so that the kids stay dependent on them. As long as the children need help, the parents have full control and will always be in charge. Might not want their kids to fly out the nest. 🤷‍♂️ idk just my guess

@brendamoon2660

Жыл бұрын

@@Sam-lo6rt my adult kids and I laugh because everytime my mother visits she rips the toilet paper holder off the wall. She says she touches it and it falls. It's attached into wood with screws

@crewboy23

Жыл бұрын

Same things happen when we were all kids. Yall dont remember when your father used the lawn mower it works every time with no issue but when you as the kid used it, something broke? Lol Or when a friend uses your car for a day but when you get it back, the car seem runs weird?

@sobeliever1638

Жыл бұрын

Never heard this before

@josephinenelan4204

Жыл бұрын

@@sobeliever1638 same. My FIL comes over and he actively does home projects for us. Introvert, and it’s his hobby. So he gets peopled out then fixes an outlet that was out all on his own. 😅 Guess I’m blessed.

I had a neighbor like that. Greatest guy on earth. Loved him to pieces. But he’d mow my lawn down to bare dusty earth, blowing the dirt and clippings into the flower beds, driveways, walkways and street. It created more work than if I just mowed it myself. :(

I'm suspicious that the land is still in the in-laws' name, not the young couple's.

The caller can't be direct on the call explaining the problem, so I'm certain he hasn't been clear with his future FiL.

RUN!!!

Each partner deals with their own family. The best advice John gave was that this will cause issues with the marriage. Either the fiancee chooses loyalty to a new family or she remains loyal to her parents. If you cant be seperate from your parents yet please dont destroy another persons life by getting into adult romantic situations.

@racheltarentino3314

3 күн бұрын

Thank you

My eldest sister and her husband is like this. It's always 'just trying to help' Then get pissed because you get upset. THEY NEVER LEARN

We like to think that our parents mean well when they gift things, but part of gifting something means allowing the recipient to enjoy their gift as they choose.. much of the time gifts like these are attempts to leverage said items for continued access to you. It’s unfortunate but if his FIL gets upset about him making the request to back off a bit.. I fear he’s in that camp 😕

It's really quite simple....between now and dead, what do you want the rest of your life to look like?

Theres a fine line between hey heres 10 acres on my property for you to live on vs im giving you 10 acres and signing the land over to you

BUY YOUR OWN LAND!!! It doesn’t matter what you say, the FIL will think he knows best about his land and violates the boundary. When people show you the first time who they are, they most likely won’t change. Also, the caller had no stand on ownership or family as he’s not married to his fiancée yet. I can guarantee his name is not on the land and therefore cannot do much about the FIL’s actions as technically that’s still his land.

Weird. I feel like he actually can’t do ANYTHING until he’s married. None of that is his lol. Also you don’t have to date somebody for a long time and automatically be allowed to live with them… I dated my girlfriend for 4 years and we never lived together lol

@wreckers_band8825

Жыл бұрын

Exactly, this should be #1. I don't know why Deloney did not mention the fact that they are not married and he has no say. This property is not his.

@cg741graf5

Жыл бұрын

Exactly!

@helena3631

Жыл бұрын

They never changed the paperwork he just said it was gifted to the daughter ,they are not married and he’s being bossy about stuff that’s not his

at 6:51 unless he gave the land to your girlfriend and the land isn't yours yet? caller: umm... then changes the subject. if the land isn't in the boyfriend's name and only in the girlfriend's name, this guy can't do squat.

Until and unless something is legally in your name, you don't have a say in anything. It will feel suffocating because you might feel like it's yours, but it's not. Not having a say is not freedom at all.

The future father in law is passive aggressive....

Farmer's daughter jokes keep coming to mind. 😂😂😂 RUN!

I hate to say this. But at the end of the day , it’s his land , his property, His say. He’s just being “ nice “ and letting YOU build . Sucks but that’s how “gifts “ work when they are letting you borrow land.

That’s the problem when you accept land or property from family who is still alive. They think they still own the place. Future wife needs to have a conversation with her parents about boundaries asap.

@cg741graf5

Жыл бұрын

Future wife needs to ask why they are not married so daddy can sign off property to be legally theirs. He’s playing house in borrowed land.

Huge mistake taking this land. This will ruin his life and possibly ruin his eventural marriage.

The Father in law calls: My daughter’s boyfriend claiming my land is his and building things that I do like. 😂

Thank him for the land offer , but decline it.

Decline the land and get your own place

Caller sounds like an OCD perfectionist. Which he has every right to be, but I feel bad for the father in law who legitimately wants to help, because no matter what it'll never be good enough.

RUN

This guy is not ready to be married yet.

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

Did you notice he shared that he took a long pause to get engaged. This guy should RUN!

@helena3631

Жыл бұрын

@@JustinCase780 he want the land lol , so that’s why her dad doing the bullshit because he see right thru him… you don’t have all that lane being stupid lol he not transferring nothing to the daugther he wants them to build on it but retain ownership and they not married this guy just wants the land but dad not going to do it

Many times this gesture is so they can know your business. We were given property then my mother said we had to leave but the property was ours.

It sounds like this Dad has been super excited to get working on this land and his future son is on board living out there and helping make his dream come true. Working side to side with him is his dream. He feels he's totally helping you because it's a big job to do this on your own. You're breaking his heart. You can work on this together. You're not married yet. When you are married you can put your foot down. Right now you're the guy that "might" marry his daughter. You are claiming something that is not rightfully yours yet. I agree that once you are married THEN you can sit down with your wife and Dad and share your vision for the land with your in laws. Then he knows what the plan is for you guys and knows where and when you're doing what. And if he continues with His way over your way. Then that's when the problem actually starts.😊❤

Recreational acres of land. You gotta love it.

How about walking into the garage and finding an 18" plant on the floor? It was growing too well so it had to be a weed. Hubby was told to stay away from things growing near the house's foundation. Haven't had an luck growing delphiniums since then (40 years now).

Honestly if this is the biggest problem he has with this engagement, I’d say that’s a good sign. No matter how good of a deal it may seem, get away from this whole living situation. It’ll only cause you and your future wife years and years of frustration

The chat via the daughter seems the best strategy, at least initially. Then the other stuff.

I have a hard time believing the in law isn’t being passive aggressive and purposefully trying to sabotage this relationship.

Mowed their hay field down made me CHOKE 😂😂😂😂 that was expensive and oblivious kindness 😂👏👏

YOU SHOULD BE LEARY OF GIFTS FROM IN LAWS!!!! THEY COME WITH STRINGS ATTACHED AT TIMES!!

I suggest for this guy to watch forensic files for a month straight and create the perfect plan.

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

😂😂😂😂😂

@susieq8008

Жыл бұрын

Hahahahahaha

@kcourtney6826

Жыл бұрын

😅😅😅😂

It is not his land till he marries. SHE needs to join him in talking to Dad...I think Dad is testing boundaries!

This guy, you know, you know, you know, 😩😩

Whether it's due to cultural/familial conditioning, trauma or just personality type, people like these don't seem to understand that their 'goodness' by being overly helpful don't take account other people's boundaries and preferences and end up steamrolling, whether they realize it or not. It all boils down to what they want to do and the need to show their goodness, regardless of how other people feel, whether they realize it or not. They also don't realize that because they are 'good' in terms of outside behavior and attitude, they put others in a position where they may feel like they can't say no to them; or that others who appreciate the goodness may perceive them as being uptight or overreacting because, "How dare you set boundaries/be entitled to YOUR preferences?? He/she's just being nice/helpful!" It's even worse if you set those boundaries and have these hard conversations only to have those people double down on their 'goodness', which at this point is self-serving. EDIT: I listened to this again. If the parents 'gifted' 10 acres, as per the caller, then, in principle, it is his place to be able to fix this patch of land however he wants, even though it's connected to family property.

@rubyb7252

Жыл бұрын

​​@@wordsalad01 that was a battle I was fighting my first year of marriage. It took a year to finally get across to my husband to acknowledge it, and it took a lot of time for me to approach my in laws about it and set boundaries because I felt like I would be hung out to dry if I tried. The damage to the relationship has been done though, that's still kinda up in the air tbh its a tough dynamic to be sure

@rubyb7252

Жыл бұрын

@@wordsalad01 I agree.. this is a developing story so I'm not sure what our relationship moving forward is going to look like, because it's not what they thought it was going to be, or what my husband thought it would be. I want to give my husband that space to step up in this situation, since I saw his parents intervention hindering that independence to develop. Thank you for your perspective, it gives me a lot to think about

@alexnightray3204

Жыл бұрын

@@wordsalad01 For me, it is my dad (and still is, though not so much now). I grew up being conditioned not to say no and to be grateful for when someone does a nice thing for me, whether I wanted it or not, I've always felt guilty for standing up for my wants and needs, because it was perceived as selfish. This combined with my dad being able to steamroll others into getting his way with 'niceness' resulted in me being resentful over the last couple of decades. He was the type that wanted all members of the family to do things together, work together, come and go together, and he wanted to be the one to do things for others so that no one would experience hardship (stemming from trauma). If I wanted to take the bus and go somewhere on my own because I wanted independence, he would guilt me by saying that he's however many years old and "I just want to love you!" and such. It felt like he wanted to be the hero and feel superior about himself, which meant that others had to dummy themselves down in order for him to have this. It got to the point where I had to push him away so hard and tell him to back off, leaving my job that we both worked with (he was overbearing) telling him that I quit partly because of him, and I don't feel bad for it. I also told him that talking to him is pointless due to the guilt trips and inability to take criticism. My mom told me that he ended up having a breakdown, and it is unfortunate for him that I don't care. Now, he's significantly backed of, but I still believe that he talks behind my back to others.

@lepolhart3242

Жыл бұрын

@@alexnightray3204 you done the right thing as it`s not your problem to deal with his mental health.

@alexnightray3204

Жыл бұрын

@@lepolhart3242 Thanks, it only took me over 30 years to figure that out ?? Lol!

The clarity is - please do not work on the property you gave us!

Caller: "how you doing?" Dr. Baloney: "partying" "you" Caller:"working" 😆

It’s hard but he needs to be the man and be direct with the old man

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

But, in the old man's mind he's the man and will always be the man.

@cg741graf5

Жыл бұрын

They are not married and he’s not legally bound to the property. He needs to man up and marry her so the ‘old man’ can hand off the land to them. No way a smart man is hanging 10 acres over until a legal action is taken.

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

@@cg741graf5 The old man is on to him. The guy should just pack his stuff, get in his car and depart! He's not worthy. 🤣

@MegaSkinnybuddha

Жыл бұрын

@@cg741graf5Yupp marry her and tell the old man to bounce

@helena3631

Жыл бұрын

@@cg741graf5 he handed the land to his daughter verbally but on paper it’s his the boyfriend has gotten too big for his britches lol

I'd walk away unless you like being enmeshed with family.

@David-wo9un

Жыл бұрын

He should wait, maybe he’ll get the property in the divorce.

@JustinCase780

Жыл бұрын

​@@David-wo9un 😂😂😂

If dad’s name is on the land , won’t he ALWAYS need to be involved in construction etc decisions/sign documents????

Yeah you just got to talk to him say hey listen. This is exactly what I want. If this guy and his daughter have been together for this long I can't say that it's just hers. So you know like the guy needs to talk to his father-in-law quote on quote even though they're not technically married. Got to talk to him. It's all about communication. It's not about who's is who's and what is what it's talk. All you got to do is talk then I'll make it better

My question is didn't this guy get the a new Deed for the property that was given to him and his girlfriend? I would ever dream of doing anything with the property with new deed in my name . This guy hard work will go Down the toilet if him and his girlfriend break up..

@mwhe3111

Жыл бұрын

👆 This.

@elizabetha8565

Жыл бұрын

I hope that's what happens who calls it their own land when it isn't and cries that the owner didn't help him in the exact way he should have.

@margotk538

3 ай бұрын

Why would the father in law give deed over the daughter and her BOYFRIEND when they aren’t married yet?

Who's name is on this property? If he's name isn't, he doesnt have a say, too bad shacking up doesn't work

It’s a gift wink wink

John, I think you missed couple of things on his one. "Gave" them 10 acres of land? Did the parents deed or sell them the land? If not, maybe that's why Dad still thinks he can do what he wants. If he deeded it to his daughter - boyfriend has no legal claim on it any way. "Just didn't get around to getting engaged sooner"... where is the girl in the boyfriend's priority list??? Hmmmmm.....good luck!!

The caller likes things neat and clean...while living out in the country. Guy needs a house in the burbs not the country.

@jennifersilves4195

4 ай бұрын

Hogwash.

This is why we should not take handouts from parents.

How farming parents control. I wonder if he put it in your and your fiance's name. 10 acres seems nice now but it's not when you've invested $250,000 on it and the drama never stopped 5 years from now. Cut your loses for the money you've put in it so far and buy your own piece of ground from someone else.

Just spell out what IS OK and not OK to do and monitor him, stop him before he does anything. Don't let him drive any equipment. Take the keys so can't do that anymore.

Has the land that they are building the house on been deeded to the couple?

I hope like crazy that you paid the neighbors for their hay. If not, I bet they think you did it maliciously. Smdh that you did that. O M G you owe them all the apologies and some ( probably a lot,) of cash. 🥺

Say, thank you, but no thank you.

I'm as hard headed as they come with I'll be fine I'll do it myself etc.,, but as someone giving advice to someone in this situation. You have to be respectful, firm, clear and precise n talk to the father n tell him how it makes you feel... if he's a land/farm owner he will appreciate and respect a man conversation more likely then not if u speak with respect and calmness.... everybody saying don't take it and move out and blah blah blah is leading him down a road of more chaos... blowing up and not being respectful will only lead to a path of closed off communication, family destruction, and when the parents decease and there's millions of land go and assume you 2 will be left out... money means nothing in the grand scheme of things.. but all this could be avoided with proper communication n setting up boundaries and respect for one another... don't be stubborn you know how much a 10 acre pc of property is... they are doing you guys the favour so just have a respectful conversation

John keeps saying "you need to be direct" but I am listening to this caller say "uh, um, you know, I mean," over and over and I realized he isn't capable of clarifying anything. The caller is never going to have a direct, clear conversation with anybody. It's not going to happen. And there are always two sides to every story: That row of five foot trees might have been planted on the south side of a garden or some other feature that needs sunlight. They might have been planted on top of a public right of way between the plots. If the future in-laws gave them 1/4 of the property it is likely the girlfriend has siblings who will receive the other plots. There is probably a good reason that row of trees was removed.

Sell it.

I wouldn't build there. Buy your own land. Rent an appartment where you have peace

This is her families initial property so it is her issue to deal with it. She needs to set the boundaries with her father to secure her family. Now unless the land is legally signed over; doubt it because their not even married. If it’s not really their land then stop working it. Once it is legally bound and you are legally wed then it’s time to set rules and boundaries of land use and constraints. Right now y’all are playing married and not. You have no legal recourse of the property.

Buy your own land. Move fwd

Get off the land now. Its only going to get worse. And it will greatly affect his relationship with his wife. Buy it and get the deed. Then tell him he can only come over to visit when asked and no working or helping whatsoever.

How is it the in laws if they gave it to you? I would not accept this property if there are strings attached. Or I’d end this relationship…..you wanna live 40 years or until they croak off.

Just say I don't need your help anymore.

Why would you put money into a place you don't own. He didn't say it was in his name, too. Why do they have to be on the property treating it like their own personal race track. Do you want this to happen every weekend? Take your losses and go somewhere else if it's not too late.

Buy youre own property dude. Never should have accepted this if youre gonna be like that.

Sounds like the FIL is incompetent.

A man must provide land for his own family. I'm sure it says that in some African proverb.

This guy didn’t want to marry her….because of her parents😂

@helena3631

Жыл бұрын

He wants the land not her or he would’ve married her already

Build a 50 foot high fence around the 10 acres with a security gate code, if it's truly your property now what can they say?

@sneakerfreak2002

Жыл бұрын

Lay off the breakfast bourbon

@cashway0420

Жыл бұрын

@@sneakerfreak2002 Cute name sweet heart lol lets go sneaker shopping sometime

I hope they have it in writing that X amount of acres belong to them and exactly where the boundary line is. Since this father-in-law sounds either like a bit of an idiot even I would know not to go and cut down 5 foot trees, especially without asking. He needs to sit down with him and plain English say hey please don’t help me with anything, if I need help, I will ask you

Ugh he sounds like my dad. My brother's wife divorced them because of my dad.

I thought ten acres were gifted, it doesn’t belong to the future father-in-law anymore. Why is he afraid to tell him how he wants things on their property?

@helena3631

Жыл бұрын

He said that but their not married and thiers no paperwork lol … and most men not going to give that land away because if they break up since they not married it will be a legal headache it’s the girls dad land and he said they can live there he’s not transferring ownership

It isn't your land. Do not build a house on someone else's land. You don't own anything.

This sounds like a lot of miscommunication, you need to have a plan in writing and say everything that you want and don’t want in one conversation and be done with it.

He sounds bored so direct his attention to something else.👩🏽‍⚖️