Q: “My church leaders say my abusive or addicted spouse is fine now. Should I trust them and reconcile?”
A: “Not necessarily. Watch for the REAL signs of change, even if they claim your spouse has had a powerful encounter with God,” says Bob Hamp, licensed Christian marriage and family therapist.
This is the 3rd of 3 videos featuring Bob Hamp MFT:
Video 1: The Dynamics of Abuse • Dynamics of Abuse, Bob...
Video 2: How Do I Know If My Spouse Has Really Changed? • How Do I Know My Spous...
Video 3: My Church Says My Spouse Has Changed, But Has He Really? - • My Abusive/Addicted Sp...
Bob talks about chronic abuse, life-altering addictions, and serial infidelity in Christian marriages and what to do if your ministry leaders say your spouse is healed from their problems.
01:00 - Many church ministries tend to promise that an encounter with God can (and will) set your spouse free from their addictions.
03:40 - These ministries need to be wholistic. Often they are short-sighted, viewing everything as spiritual only. But there’s more to it: Restoring the soul, setting people free, ending destructive patterns.
5:15 - Sometimes these well-meaning ministries can be manipulative. They may tell the victimized spouse that all is safe, when in reality, it’s not.
07:00 - There are few or no qualifications for ministry leaders. There’s no licensing board or set of ethical standards. That leaves churches open to accidentally hiring manipulative people who enjoy holding influence and power over others.
10:26 - Idealistic and overly confident leaders want to prove that God is effective, and that their faith and teachings about God can heal anyone, so they deliberately work with destructive-even dangerous-people.
11:30 - The apostle Paul’s taught that certain repeated sins are so harmful, we cannot have certain people in our churches. We need to stop associating with such people, not even eat with them. 1 Cor. 5:11 and 2 Timothy 3:1-5. No one claims Paul is being unforgiving. He’s trying to protect vulnerable people from those who would take advantage of them.
14:00 - When abusive or addicted spouses pressure you to forgive and reconcile without adequate time to see if the change is real.
14:50 - Triangulation: The Abuser - The Victim - The Onlooker. Many well-intended ministries side with the abuser against the victim.
16:00 - Why you cannot always trust the person who asks for prayer to save their marriage. They might be the abuser.
17:00 - Abusers transfer responsibility to the victim. Onlookers are often fooled because they present themselves as the innocent victim of the other person’s actions.
19:30 - Churches send abusers to recovery classes and think that they will have an encounter with God that will transform them instantly. Ministry leaders want a notch on their belt.
20:30 - Abusers/addicts will demand “Why don’t you see my change?” Asking this question actually is evidence they have NOT changed.
21:30 - Signs of real change in an addict or abuser. See also Bob’s two other videos on this: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/change
26:00 - Forgiveness is for behavior that has stopped, not for behavior that is ongoing. Focus on boundaries, not forgiveness.
35:14 - Abuse victims may need to divorce their destructive spouse and leave their unhelpful church too.
37:00 - The dangers of “biblical counseling,” “nouthetic counselors,” and the teachings of Jay Adams.
49:00 - How can churches do better? Learning to identify manipulation.
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ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.
Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons.
What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, neglect, substance abuse, etc.
How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"
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