Let me know what you thought of this video!

@wittjablonski2699

Жыл бұрын

Excellent video. Thank you! And I’ve noticed your English has improved! I can understand you easier. ❤

@jeremycline3359

Жыл бұрын

She lives! Just glad to see you active and well

@mailinfleurtje

11 ай бұрын

Interessant je vragen op het einde. Is verbinding de belangrijkste behoefte. En hoe het zat met Marshall Rosenberg die als idd witte, gestudeerde, man met een gemiddeld of bovenmodaal inkomen et cetera. Mooi om daar bij stil te staan. Het zet mij vandaag aan het denken. Ik ben meer geneigd rekening te houden met de ander en mijn selfcare wat los te laten. Interessant allemaal. Dankjewel Marianne mooie video ❤❤❤

@nadineflow

11 ай бұрын

I love the perspective of having an mindful eye on the difference between boundries and controlling out of maybe fear. A little reminder for me : We are in 2023 and men are equal in the respect for their emotions to woman . We women should internalize that and respect our differences ? That is how I get as a woman more lightful Peace inside with my inner male and female parts. This is a sharing of my inner world .❤

I love the way you explained, making boundaries. I have seen people use it as a tool of control rather than a way to connect.

@CupofEmpathy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Susan!!

Hey, I love all the examples that you gave and I'm really impressed by your empathy. Glad to see you back! I vote for more Marianne on KZread!

I set boundaries for myself and MY behaviors. Because of this, I am the only person who can cross my boundaries and my purpose in clearly communicating them is so people can help me stay accountable- pointing out when my behaviors are not in line with how I desire to be acting/ responding to situations. Mutual respect is what happens when other people are willing to match my boundaries and treat me as equally respectfully as I'm treating them.

Marianne, you are delightful and have an extraordinary talent for practically explaining NVC.

@CupofEmpathy

2 ай бұрын

Thanks so much!!

It is very difficult to set boundaries when you want to change the other person's behavior. I've been struggling to find a way to set boundaries, as my thinking often went to how to change the other's behavior. Nvc helps me a lot to connect with my feelings and needs, but it can be difficult to slow down and actually look behind the thinking and find them. But when done, it's such a relief! Even though it can feel "bad". When I put a strong boundary, I stresses it's FOR me, not against you. That needs to be repeated a lot 😉

@CupofEmpathy

Жыл бұрын

yeah good one, that last point you are making!

@MysteriousBeingOfLight

Жыл бұрын

I agree

Really liking your content, found the channel a couple of weeks ago and already consider you to be my NVC mentor for now. heheheh First time I'll comment here, but this video really got me wondering on how boundaries would differ from agreements and consensus in relationships (be them romantic or otherwise). I love the aspect of how we can take care of ourselves with clear and honest communication to people we are connected to, and how much we can care for them in the process as well and see relations being more nurtured and effortless and growing stronger. Lots on my mind right now, but I'll keep the comment simple and short. Thanks for sharing so much, I appreciate the time and energy you dedicate to the channel and how much it is meaningful to me (and many others I'd suppose).

Thanks! I hear Miki Kashtan make a distinction between “my boundaries” and “my limits”. She says that she often prefers limits because it’s more about her experience than what someone else is doing.

yes, understand, you are saying what you will do in response to the certain behavior.

@CupofEmpathy

2 ай бұрын

Exactly!!

I love the video! The way that helps me to think about it is indeed that boundaries are not about the other person's behavior, but my response to their behavior. If someone is behaving in a way that I don't enjoy, I will communicate with them about it, both trying to hear their needs as well as express my own. Yet if we cannot reach mutual understanding, or they continue to behave in a way that does not meet my needs, then I will enforce my boundaries which is telling the other person what I will do in order to meet my needs. Or in NVC lingo, to me, boundaries = protective use of force.

@CupofEmpathy

7 ай бұрын

Yes exactly!!

Oh a lot of good points here. Glad i made it to the end to hear how you've recognised the different needs and inequalities for people. ❤

Glad to see you back in production.

I love how you explaik it and the fact that you talked about Rosenberg's priviledge position in society. I would love to work still more ok boundaries ! Thank you!

I've missed your videos! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us! Very valuable information and NVC has been helpful to me and my relationships

Welcome back!

I’d say NVC in practice is to become better at releasing boundaries. Violence can be defined as overstepping boundaries of others. By working to isolate and desolate the root of a boundary, which stems from discomfort we can begin to let go of judgements, preferences and control of others. What’s left is to remain alert in the present and in touch with life.

This video is invaluable to me. Your examples are really helpful and as usual I enjoy how you break this down, and give it a kind of formula. I love it when people say what does and doesn't work for them, and it is even better if they are not asking me to change my behaviour, just telling me the consequences - then I can choose to change or take the consequence. Eg if my email won't be read until Monday, that may be abosolutely fine by me, so I am happy to take that consequence. I can find working out a good boundary (that doesn't manipulate the other person) tricky.

Brilliant !

missed you, thank you! 😄

Thank you for this video Marianne. I love this topic and I'm so glad you are covering it. I have a hard time figuring out how to set boundaries in my relationship with my daughter when she does things like ignore me when she's looking at her phone and I am trying to get her attention. Because she is 15 years old, she is at a very self-centered stage, and doesn't seem to have a problem offending or hurting me with her behavior. I have discovered that I have to be very vocal with my feelings and needs to get her to be respectful. Do you have any suggestions for how to set boundaries when it's your own child?

Thanks for your videos. Its funny though, about how you said Jonah Hill should get therapy, because he in fact has a documentary on Netflix about his relationship with his therapist, called "Stutz," which I thought was brave of him. However, it shows it requires more than therapy to help men see through their own patriarchal perspectives.

I always find your videos enriching but I noticed a defensive part in me that was triggered by this one. It came from the statement that said roughly, the way men are conditioned is probably the biggest problem in the world and leads to wars and exploiting nature. I hear it as pointing to a truth but it is put in such black and white terms that it triggers a part in me that longs for more subtlety, more understanding of the diversity of individual experience. "The way men are conditioned", doesn't leave room for women who had this conditioning and men who haven't. Just changing it to, "the way some men are conditioned", would sound completely different to me. I know this is my own reactivity around gender stereotyping. In spite of my reactivity, I hear your video as coming from a place of wanting to contribute to the world and make it a better place. It gave me more clarity about boundaries, was thought provoking and somehow touching in it's caring tone. Thanks for making it and sharing it!

@CupofEmpathy

Жыл бұрын

I agree that not all men are conditioned like this, and women are conditioned in all sorts of unhealthy ways too!! There is a lot to this that would deserve a whole video on its own.

lovely way to move in the world

"If you start yelling at me, I will go out of the room" That sounds to me like a threat like an intention to control the other person's Behavior. Why would you decide now what will be your reaction when the other person does something? Why would you decide in advance to wait only 20 minutes? Why won't you have a dialogue with the other person? How come you don't express your need? What about something like - "If you start yelling it might be unbearable for me and I might not be able to stay so I might go to the other room in order to keep myself safe and centered. How is it for you to hear that?" Or "I usually have enough patience to wait 10 minutes. So if you will be 20 minutes late, I might not be there. How is it for you to hear that?" Can you see the difference?

@tilmanvogel2387

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, one is straight forward, the other is sugarcoated. :p Jokes aside, ofc your versions adhere much more to the idea to invite the other to connect - and if you have seen a few other videos by the uploader, you should know she knows this as well. But this video is about setting boundaries, and when setting boundaries becomes necessary, it's usually after the strictly forthcoming and connecting communication has failed multiple times. Sad as I personally find it, some people outright need you to be harsh in order to respect your boundaries, at least, that's my experience.

Is it always necessary to self connect? Or do you need a "reason" to not like something? Even with the small things? I wouldn't like to respond to a work email in the weekend, even if I've never experienced burn out. And how would you be able to discern if somebody is using a boundary to controll or not? If he would have said, you posting pictures in your thong shows a lack of respect, that would have been a boundary? And with sex with other people, you need to connect with yourself to set that boundary? Would that be about feeling unsafe?

@welutha

Жыл бұрын

In non-violent communication self-connection is kind of 'necessary'. I think that without this connection setting good, helpful boundaries is not really possible. For me setting a boundary is basically making a conscious decision to react a certain way. You need some introspection to make sure this decision is truly yours. Different people will have different boundaries around things like sex or infidelity. For some infidelity means the end of a relationship, others may value companionship or financial security which comes with a relationship more than fidelity, thus setting different boundaries. We set boundaries with ourselves not with others. Someone shared with me the following formula for a boundary 'If x happens I'll do y because I value z.' I found it really helpful in setting boundaries but also in discerning when someone is using boundaries as a means of control. In my experience people who aim to control rarely are able to explain what needs and values their 'boundary' stems from.

@CupofEmpathy

Жыл бұрын

self-connection can sometimes be done in a split second..so yeah there is so much more to this!

@Jona19824

11 ай бұрын

So... if he said, it's a lack of respect, it wouldn't be controlling, it would be a boundary? Isn't every boundary something you could choose to work on? I believe everything is a boundary and could and should be communicated. Even poorly communicated. Even when you don't know the reason immediately. In the end, he didn't want a girlfriend that showed pictures that's revealing. And his girlfriend can set her boundary she doesn't want to be with a boyfriend who has that boundary. Both can investigate their boundary or the reason of the boundary. But at that moment the boundary is what it is.

I'm not a fan of the feminist and identitarian talking points like the patriarchy, privilege, and how you talked about Marshall's possible mindset because of certain traits he possessed. But I liked the first part of the video clarifying what a boundary is as I've pondering that myself lately. If you have more to share about boundaries, I'd look forward to it.

@MysteriousBeingOfLight

Жыл бұрын

Maybe you need to reconsider some things in your own privileged life then, It's okay you will get there eventually.

@BitterTast3

Жыл бұрын

@@MysteriousBeingOfLight Nope. I choose to celebrate my individuality rather than succumb to bigotry.

@eritain

11 ай бұрын

"Patriarchy" and "privilege" aren't talking points here. That implies they're being brought up instrumentally, to accomplish some other purpose to which they're peripherally connected. What they are is shorthand for recurring cycles, where individual people's psychology both shapes and is shaped by society and culture. There are a thousand tiny ways you're led to adopt the assumptions through which you see the world, and a thousand tiny ways you re-produce those assumptions in other people's lives, so yes, the particular individual constellation of those influences that you experience is yours alone, but the aggregate effect is not all that different from one person to the next, nor is it tiny. There was an experiment where people knowingly played unfair games of Monopoly. Some players just started out with more money than others, and they knew that they did. Even though Monopoly also involves chance and skill, unsurprisingly, the players who started out with a resource advantage had an unusually large share of the wins. And then the scientists asked them why they won. I'm not saying they all denied that their resource advantage helped. But they did not give it as much credit, in their mental accounting, as the demonstrated measurable effect that it had. They tended to credit their own skill. This is not surprising if you've played any games that have a chance component with anyone. The cartoon version is that the winner thinks it was all about their skill, and the loser thinks it was all about the dice. People don't always take it to that extreme, but they often do tell themselves some softer version of the same story. You've probably even done it yourself. I know I have. On the psychological side, that's the kind of thinking error that keeps the privilege and patriarchy cycles turning. On the social and cultural side, imagine if winning a game of Monopoly gave you more opportunity to determine how Monopoly is represented in the media, and more opportunity to determine who would have advantages in later games. It would be possible to build up a sizeable imbalance between one group of people and another, but at the same time, because of the psychological hook, keep believing (and keep lots of other people believing) that the starting advantage doesn't really matter all that much, because you keep having all these opportunities to bend the discussion toward skill and chance. That's an extremely abbreviated version of a portion of the discussion that is folded up behind a word like "privilege." You can see why maybe we don't want to spell the whole thing out every time.

@MysteriousBeingOfLight

11 ай бұрын

@@eritain The clocks in my house have decided to revolt against time itself. Now they tick backward and the concept of punctuality is but a distant memory.

@MysteriousBeingOfLight

11 ай бұрын

@@BitterTast3 The clocks in my house have decided to revolt against time itself. Now they tick backward and the concept of punctuality is but a distant memory.

“My boundary is that I won’t become romantically involved or intimate with someone who doesn’t share my view of modesty and opposite sex friendships.” @jonahill - stay strong ❤️

Your lifestyle and behavior determine so much about who you are as a person and if the way you live your life fucks me over your getting dropped go continue to live your life the way you want. He doesn’t have to stay and put up with her he has self respect and doesnt want a woman who shows off her whole body to every man because she wants every mans attention he doesnt want a wife thats out flirting with other men and being touched in provocative ways. Glad he left her sounds like the man knows whats he wants.

@eritain

11 ай бұрын

You sure do know a lot about her behavior and motives. If it were a matter of him saying, "Being with you, while you're doing what you're doing, is not meeting my needs," and opening up a discussion about each of them having equally valid needs and looking for ways to meet them all, and *then* he said, "Well, if you're not OK with doing anything that will meet my needs, I'm out of here, for my own well being," that would be one thing. Sounds to me it was more a matter of him taking his own needs, his wants, and a certain plan for her behavior aimed at addressing his wants and needs, all together as one big undifferentiated bundle, and demanding it from her. Not doing his own psychological work, not honoring her own stake in the matter, not taking ownership of his own choice to leave. I bet you could understand how that's different. Try.

Jona Hill did nothing wrong. I think I stumbled on to the narcissist side of youtube.