Thanks for the kind and thoughtful comments, everyone. This whole process has been quite a journey for me. Reading your comments has added to that journey. Among the many notable things I've learned from you is the notion of my humanness. At times, some of my students and mentees told me that they saw me as a highly competent clinician, and they felt like they would never measure up to my example. This greatly concerned me because I knew they were just as capable as me, if not more. I tried to convince them of their talent, but it often didn’t work. Then, I exhibited my humanness. I exposed my flaws and insecurities. Afterward, my mentees would tell me that they felt a lot better about themselves. I was surprised. I concluded that I must have been hiding my flaws and vulnerabilities. After that, I had to remind myself to exhibit more of my flaws, so people could relate to me, feel closer to me, and believe in their own growth potential. I've read some similar comments from viewers below, which tells me that I need to exhibit more of my flaws and more often. I’m not doing much good if I’m making people feel bad about themselves for having flaws or making mistakes. There’s a lot more to say, but just know that you are helping me along my journey. You are beacons of love, warmth, and goodness.

@BrookeInProgress

Жыл бұрын

I absolutely agree with your students/mentees! Seeing you like this makes me feel more capable of becoming a securely-attached, well-regulated person. I always appreciate your videos, but sometimes I feel like it's impossible for me to achieve your level of emotional maturity. In a roundabout way, this video gives me hope.

@riri12566

Жыл бұрын

I know this might be lowkey the opposite of what you just said but damn I respect you SO much for this. You've honestly changed my life with your videos and the fact that you're not afraid to be seen as human makes me feel like it's okay if I'm human too. Edit: just realized that's not the opposite of what you said but basically the same thing lol. Still, huge props for being real with us because you know that it helps.

@mygrinningcat

Жыл бұрын

Very interesting. It's funny how humans function. Please let me assure you I love the content you provide. It's been very very helpful to me. You are a very valuable person to a-many people's growth and you didn't even need to meet us. But every time you utter the phrase "because I was raised well", I immediately think "well fuck you" and one fine day I shall move past that. LOL

@Aixza

Жыл бұрын

Vayatela! So much masculinity I could almost smell it. You are both strong minded people with strong personalities and character. Let’s agree that you both have become more civilized in women’s eye’s in the last two decades. We thank you. As a Hispanic immigrant, I have heard this argument a million times in my 48 years of life. Men digging their heels in and seeing things through a very limited view during an argument. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. If a man bends his knee, it emasculates him. He’s not macho enough and people lose respect for him. So, he felt attacked and had to stand his ground. This is a machismo culture thing. I think you admire Berto and you did’t want people to misconstrue what he says. You are afraid of backlash from your audience for him and tried to give him a lifeline so he could show everyone that he is better than his brutish comments. This is where I come to his defense. I understood that you want your audience to see Berto the way you do. You don’t want him to be misjudged because he is your dear friend who you love, respect and value. However, Berto has the right to answer however he sees fit. Whether you agree with it or not. Even if he disappoints you or makes you feel uncomfortable, he still has the right to be human and be less than perfect. That’s a perfect teachable moment. But, you took it personally that he would not just say the right thing from your perspective. Which came off as judgemental and crude. Maybe, you needed to try to understand him and see what he actually meant. Analyze it, interpret it and then translate it to all of us. Berto has his own views and he has a funny way of expressing himself. We know he cares about his wife’s feelings and that he’s just a man trying to grow and be better. I highly appreciate honest people and that’s what I enjoy about Berto. Let’s just let Berto be Berto.❤

@mychannel-lt9yu

Жыл бұрын

This is the best episode you've ever done. There were at least three breakthroughs in this video: Humberto's, your friendship's, and I think your own breakthrough too, Kirk. If what you've revealed about yourself in the past on this podcast is true, then I know uploading this video must have required an enormous amount of courage on your part. If I were in your shoes (and I relate to some of what you've talked about before), I'm not sure I would have the courage to do the same. My respect for both you and Humberto has just skyrocketed after this whole ordeal

As someone who escaped an emotionally abusive relationship and who thought arguments were a literally life threatening thing... its so wonderful to see two people argue and then recover. That nothing bad happenes. That its not the end of the world. I really really appreciate this video ❤

@jessiesansone7641

Жыл бұрын

Yes! The recovery part!

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@MsAlonzo26

Жыл бұрын

​@doppelganger6091 Understandable, however Dr. H explained that this argument was a result of an accumulation of passed unresolved issues/arguments. (In my understanding)

@mrhappy7654

Жыл бұрын

@@doppelganger6091it’s a shame that you didn’t finish it because although it was a silly disagreement, the way they resolved it was truly enlightening 🥰 maybe go back to it in another moment if you feel like it, I also got frustrated at times but the resolution was more than worth it 👌

I'm so glad I'm listening to this, I have put Dr. Honda on such a pedestal because of his kindness and empathy, and I sometimes think i'm not good enough because I am not always perfect in my reactions. Its good to know that we are all human and we all make mistakes, and we all have to give us some grace.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, I would similar things from my students and mentees - that they were intimidated by me and felt like they could measure up. But then I showed my vulnerabilities and they felt much better. I need to do this more often.

@audreyannaorage

Жыл бұрын

​@@PsychologyInSeattle Maybe I'm biased towards seeing you as some kind of hero but it seems to me like you handled it reaaaally well and with so much maturity within your own triggers, values and context of the podcast (perspective taking of viewers). I'm under the impression that most people would be potentially even more rude and angry when a big value cord gets triggered (ex. feminism) when they seemingly come from a bad place (although here Humberto really didn't mean it like that) and I guess with the frustration of doing your best to help or actively trying to steer away from the worst interpretation and it backfiring and pushing the other person even further in the scary bad and augmenting their defence. maybe you're not a god but you still feel unatainably healthy 😅😂

Humberto does deserve some praise as it takes immense vulnerability to share private details of your life to an audience of strangers that you know you will likely be criticized for as the action could be perceived as problematic. I know for sure that I couldn’t do that and that most podcasters would leave out info that would paint them as non-perfect ppl (really just human). Takes courage

@WileChile51

Жыл бұрын

Praise? Nah. I'll give him more respect.

@anapm2927

Жыл бұрын

I related to Humberto more as someone from a society that's kinda more impulsive/explosive... "Ok ok...get the point across..." Appreciate the realisations! I'll try to keep them in mind in future arguments

@WileChile51

Жыл бұрын

@@anapm2927 Understandable. Best not to drag it on. Don't be cruel, but being upfront is the best.

@julianareider

Жыл бұрын

Yes, it’s takes great strength !

"Relationships aren't about winning arguments." -Berto during an important realization. This was sooooo enlightening, and will definitely cause me to reevaluate how I handle conflicts with people closest to me. Thank you so much for posting this. I know it was probably difficult.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Let me know how that reevaluation goes. I'm curious about your journey with that.

This is such a breath of fresh air to witness. I have severe CPTSD and very little ability to handle conflict without getting combative and abandoning people in the process. It’s soooo relieving to see conflict resolution with close relationships. I know this must have been very difficult to show to the world for you both but I know myself and most of the deserving listeners are very grateful for this exchange. ❤️

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Thanks! I'm glad.

@Redpandakiwi

Жыл бұрын

i have cptsd too! i felt quite a simular sentiment while i react differently its nice to see conflict and hearing and knowing that we all do have conflict in our lives and close knit relationships. i tend to blame myself for everything and think oh god its happening again there must be something wrong with me when i find myself falling out with someone.even when its rarely happening. its very overwhelming and makes me not want to bother with close relationships at all. i found what dr kirk had to say at the start about how we all fall out with people when we are close enough to them reliveing. and i found it a relief to know i am not the only one. i loved this video it was not only a relief but made me realise i maybe shouldnt avoid relationships with others because of this its a normal part of the human experiance and while i dont feel equipped to dealing with conflict maybe working through my fears is worth that human connection.

I appreciate you both for being vulnerable with us ❤

@andedom

Жыл бұрын

Dr. H and Humberto ❤❤

@dianajackson7241

Жыл бұрын

Me too.

@sinavolz9203

10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for uploading this. I am following the channel and podcast for some years now and it really opened my eyes to how healthy relationships look like and how important it is to be vulnerable. And while I learned a lot from all of your content, this fight of you really helps me to understand that we all do mistakes and behave in ways that we are not proud of but that we should give others but also ourselves grace and show kind. This is so healing and helpful as I do struggle with regrets about past behaviors and self criticism on a daily basis. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this Humberto and Kirk. You really make the world a better place ❤

Humberto completely won me back over as an audience member. I was one of the people who left a comment on Patreon about the initial fight, and I really appreciated this update. It is easy to forget the underlying motivations and feelings people have when they seem to lash out or appear stubborn during conflict. This conversation prompted me to reflect on my own defensiveness and how it relates to feeling hurt or unheard. You both expressed such healthy masculinity and relational repair. Dr. Honda, my opinion of you as a person and therapist has improved a lot from listening to this episode. My opinion of you was already really high considering I watch your content on a daily basis and reference your words frequently. Thank you both for sharing this healing and informative conversation!

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Oh, I'm glad. And thanks for your grace.

@andedom

Жыл бұрын

So much learning, introspection and healing in this one conversation! Thanks for sharing your journey.

@TheOtherBoobJustDropped

3 ай бұрын

I had a huge blowout fight with my roommate and close friend a few days ago. I’ve avoided being in our apartment and have barely said a word to her in days. I needed to see this to try to understand how to move forward. Thank you

Dr. Honda is a human - noted. This makes all the content feel less of a "perfect professor shows another level of empathy you willl never achieve" and more of a "amazing human shares something you might have not considered yet, here you go" thank you!

I lost my friendship with my bestfriend of 15 years last summer because she could never have a conversation like this with me. Even when I gave her opportunities to, she could never be honest about resentments building up until they exploded and then didn’t have the care or ability to try to come together with me to work it out. I often felt like I was left to pick up the pieces alone so she could go back to pretending things were fine. I wanna cry cuz a fight and make up like this is all I wanted and it felt like she never loved me enough to fight and make up with me. This was really beautiful to see.

@CutieYoli

Жыл бұрын

It’s kind of funny, she’d really get upset at my now husband cuz she HATES that me and him would actually engage in conflict (her and I growing up were both very conflict avoidant cuz of our families) but my husband being the first person in my life where disagreeing and discussing felt safe and ended with an “Don’t worry I still love you” actually is one of the most attractive things about him. ❤

@Mama_Bear524

Жыл бұрын

Aw I’m so sorry. I lost a friendship under similar circumstances too. A few years ago and it still makes me sad. I wish she put me higher up in her priorities but I wasn’t and at a certain point I had to look out for myself. But all those years of friendship, all those memories, it’s just shitty. I wish we could reunite but maybe that would be bad I dunno. Life is so complex sometimes. All the best to you.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry that happened.

Thank you for allowing us to see this very vulnerable side of your friendship. At least for me, it can be difficult to picture you arguing with anyone or losing your composure… it’s nice to remember that you’re also human & these things happen to all of us 💖

@Mama_Bear524

Жыл бұрын

This is one of my favourite things about him. He admits when he’s hurt, he shows us he’s human. He’s never on a high horse. And he makes me feel it’s ok to tell people FINALLY “that hurt my feelings, that made me sad” whereas before I hid it because I was told “you shouldn’t be hurt, you’re just being a victim” well ya!! Because I AM a victim. I love him.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Aw. I love you too.

@Dreabz617

Жыл бұрын

⁠@@Mama_Bear524100% agree! It’s so liberating to be able to communicate to ppl when they’ve hurt me and it’s all because of Dr. H ❤

Seeing the conflict, the misunderstandings, the cringiness, and then the reflection after is so so useful. It’s so human. And it’s a reminder of how we all mess up and all act like jerks sometimes. But that there is also hope and resolution.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Yes! We're all jerks sometimes, but it's what we do after that counts.

@janicehussock7735

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely. I confess it.

This is a masterclass in positive masculinity and loving conflict resolution. I wish everyone would have this modeled to them; especially the power of looking inside and having the courage to say " I was hurt". Showing that hurt can change us and our relationships in such beautiful ways. Thank you both for your vulnerability. ❤

This episode was fascinating! Thank you for being open and vulnerable with us Kirk, and thank you Humberto for being open enough to agree this episode being posted! 🙏

I got goosebumps when you asked Humberto "what kind of sadness?" It's the vulnerability that simplifies things :) so much power in it. I cannot even bear to listen to a recorded fight by myself out of shame and fear of how terrible I may sound. HUGE RESPECT to Dr. Honda and Humberto for posting this and for actually talking through it with all of us. It's okay, we all fight and argue. I learn so much from you, Dr. Honda. Thank you and much love! Btw, playing the piano to signal interjections was very cozy and Mr. Rogers-esque :)

This is the content that the world needs to see for healing ❤️

Oh gosh i immediately started crying when Berto started talking about having moments where he feels like he's "still not there", and then all the rest he said before yall cried together. I feel so much warmth for your relationship. P.s. i don't cry much, so thank you

Humberto thank you so much for sharing with us. I can see how hard this was. I appreciate your willingness to process and your resolve to continue to work on your emotional growth. It’s a great inspiration and example for all of us on how important it is to continue to work on our emotional growth.

It's really incredible to watch two self-aware people work through an argument and issues that sound very deep-rooted. I really appreciate both of you modeling tense, yet productive communication.

Dear Dr. Honda, MFT Student here from Capella Uni. I want to express my deepest thanks for this video. I have been watching your channel for almost a year now and what caught my attention was your diverse knowledge. Coming to this youtube channel I was going to learn and be entertained by you. Watching your videos help me on my journey to reflect on my own Self-Therapist. I am so scared to be "Not good enough." I just wanted to clarify, you've never come across that way to me. I have felt inspired and encouraged by your videos. Today, you've become not just a brilliant professor, mentor, and teacher to look up to but learned that our role models are humans too and it's ok to still have things to work on. Humberto (Berto) is a kind soul and you can tell from his strong exterior. I am Mexican-American and in my culture, it is often common to be "blunt" in criticism to build character. I sobbed watching Humberto realize how his father's generational patterns had an impact on his behavior and he seemed shocked. I want to applaud him for being so genuine, and vulnerable during this video. Thank you both, I want to see more BERTO videos! He's fantastic and I love how his banter was on "Yes you put your finger in my face..." when he said he was going to tell his wife. Genius! Haha, I laughed so hard. Goodness, I wrote too much but I am floored at your capabilities, and what a liberating video this was for both of you! Keep up the good work! *virtual hugs*

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Thanks! That means a lot to me. Welcome to the field!

Reminds me so much of a sibling type interaction

This was a very deep episode and something I really learned from. I don't think I've seen a lot of examples of healthy fighting, this made me realize that. You both admitted to being wrong in your own ways, apologized, cried, literally hugged it out and got even deeper on internal motivations. Beautiful! And Humberto we appreciate your openness and vulnerability with us regularly on the podcast, its very brave.

Oo very interesting. Really appreciate both you and Humberto agreeing to upload this for us.

Thank you for trusting us with this beautiful moment of growth.

This was incredibly touching. I think it was the best episode that the two of you have ever made. Berto’s self discoveries were so moving and I don’t see how anyone could feel anything other than compassion and admiration for him after hearing what was actually going on for him under the surface. The same goes for Kirk. We all hurt and we all have defenses, you two are amazing role models

What a beautiful gift your friendship is to the world, Kirk and Berto. You learn, we learn, and all that learning gets passed on to others. Thanks for this most generous gift!!

I'm going to avoid this video bc I'm trying to avoid unneeded distress today, and the Ultimatum has been the most triggering show I've ever seen, but I appreciate you posting this! You've been doing a lot of emotional labor for us, and I hope you are doing well because you deserve it! You really really do!

@saltboxhouse

Жыл бұрын

Yeah I found the ultimatum quite triggering as well. It put me in a more heightened emotional state for a few days while watching it. I totally get needing a break!!

I’m seeing so much of myself in both of you. Oof. Now I REALLY see how a therapist is so important because watching you both it’s SO obvious what’s wrong but when I’ve done it I don’t know why I’m wrong and getting stuck. Wow. Just wow. And again, thank you both!!!!

Two men working through something with grace and love for the other -- something the world needs to see modeled more. Thanks for letting us in.

As someone who has struggled with self hatred my whole life, watching your videos (especially this one) has helped me love myself more because the way you think about things, the conclusions you come to, and even some of your struggles are similar to mine. Since I hold you in such a high regard, its made me think, well we have similar qualities, why do I think so little of myself? Anyways, thanks for posting something so vulnerable. It cant be easy letting the world see your more vulnerable aspects. What a beautiful resolution to an uncomfortable moment. Also great display of healthy maculinity and vulnerability in a male friendship 😊🙏😊

Huge respect to you and Humberto for sharing such an intimate and candid conversation between you that we can all learn, grow and derive benefit from. I admire and respect your courage because I know it wasn't an easy decision to share such a vulnerable moment with us. You guys rock🤘

This is AMAZING Dr Kirk!! Not that you fought but that you’re showing us a real life example even to your own kind of detriment. I really appreciate it. And also thanks to Humberto too!! I don’t know if I could be this vulnerable. I really really think you both are doing a HUGE service to so many. ❤❤❤❤❤

(3:10) “I can either avoid difficulty and be lonely and have no close attachments or I can have close attachments and deal with the difficulty as best and as healthy as I can.” As someone who was very avoidant, this resonated deeply with me. Thank you for posting this, it really helped ease my fear of conflict and my need to walk away from it. I need to remember that things can be addressed, resolved and repaired if you stick it out and have the right tools.

I think this is one of the best and most important videos you have posted. It's so beautiful to see friends fight and recover in a genuine sign of emotion.

Already crying and just a few minutes in listening to all this wonderful praise of Humberto. My personality is similar to his and to have someone validate him is really lovely. The negative comments against him are so awful. Thanks for sharing. I’m scared about watching this actual fight for now, though!!!

I love this. It’s easy to remind yourself that therapists are also human and have their own relationship/communication struggles, but it’s inspiring and encouraging to see it. It’s nice to see the humanness.

Um… is this the best podcast episode ever made??????! Possibly. You both are inspirational! Thank you for the work that you do. The incredibly hard & vulnerable work. And showing extremely healthy and wonderful masculinity/humanity.

I’d take this any day over 90 day fiancé. I love this content. Great example and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing. Thank you Humberto!

It’s so helpful to see you react to your own behaviors/situations and demonstrate how we can step back and look at it in a differentiated way, thank you Dr Honda! Watching the argument suddenly made me cry- I noticed that I have a strong reaction to disagreements and the thought of relationships breaking down. I appreciated the chime-ins to remind us to take a break!

This is truly beautiful. I cried with you. Therapeutic on so many levels. I can't thank you both enough for sharing this. Such incredible modeling.

@PsychologyInSeattle

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for crying with us. That means a lot to me.

wow, this was so beautiful I cry-choked on my coffee!I wish I could have the same conversations with some of my friends and family. happy for u both

This is such an amazing and courageous episode. I actually find my friendships very similar to yours and Humberto’s, and it inevitably can lead to the type of clashing similar in nature. I will say though that both of you are extremely smart individuals and your synergy as podcasters and friends is what attracted me to this podcast in the first place. Kirk Humberto episodes have always been my favorite and it’s nice to see others you respect go through the same conflict with loved ones we all go through in our personal lives. Thanks so much!

I’ve got to say, it’s refreshing to see a therapist mess up sometimes, haha. But thank you so much for sharing and being open and humble!

This is a gift to me and i hope my family in ways I'm sure you hoped it could be, so i just wanted to name that. Thank you Dr. Kirk and Berto. ❤

I'm definitely preparing myself for this to be very intense but thank you so much for sharing, Kirk. I'm really loving how you speak about Humberto with such warmth and love. I really appreciate you sharing such a vulnerable experience. You both are very loved by us and we appreciate you so much!!

Thanks for both for showing your imperfections and behaviour that may not be the easiest to put out there. I find it valuable and it makes you so much more relatable and real. It makes me trust your content more.

This channel has set my life on a different trajectory since coming across it back in 2020. truly am grateful for "meeting" the Psychology in Seattle crew but particularly Kirk and Berto

Omg, a little over halfway through and this is amazing. Tears! I wish we could all have open conversations like this.

i don’t think i have ever seen anyone handle an argument with as much health, empathy, awareness, and compassion as this (however rocky it was in the beginning). it literally made me cry because i am so far removed from that, my whole life i have not seen one argument be resolved this way especially not when it includes a man. it was hard just to see this because of that but it was also so helpful and so eye opening. so just thank you both for putting it out there and being vulnerable and raw.

Thank you so much for this episode... episodes like these have really helped me in my life. I started listening to PIS before I got married and now that I'm married, I find myself so often taking a moment in the middle of an argument to take a breath and say something like, "I'm sorry, I think I'm feeling triggered because my family often did this to me and meant it this way," etc depending on the situation. It's helped so much with being able to both move past an argument, resolve it well, and get more understanding and empathy on the points that he now knows hurts me. It's helped us grow as a couple and I'm so grateful to vulnerable episodes like this one for helping me with that.

Wow! I’m crying with you Dr Honda! Such a beautiful vulnerable moment. Thank you for allowing us int this space

Watching you and Humberto clean out the proverbial closet was fascinating (you have much in common). When you declared your love for each other I stopped breathing....and rewound it so that I could watch it again. Humbertos process: 😮Our love isn't a puddle -it's a fucking LAKE!❤😂

Dr. Kirk -- you speak often about being self-aware but without corrective experiences, there's little room for growth. Witnessing a vulnerable conversation between you and Humberto *_is_* that corrective experience for me (even if it is second-hand). Thank you both (and lots of love to Humberto) for leaning into your humility and softness and sharing it with all of us ❣

*thank you for the deep breaths, I was starting to get stressed out!! you are the best.

The apologies and the resolution of the fight were so heartwarming to watch. Glad you both had that moment and it looks like your bond is greater for it! Hope you're both doing well!

I don’t think you two were being too explosive. I believe that you maintained a good level of debate. Communication is hard sometimes. It was very helpful to see this interaction among friends. I hope that I will be able to get into a healthy space like this when I am in a similar situation with my friends.

This is so important. It’s a good reminder that we’re all humans. It’s a good reminder that although it sometimes might not seem or feel like it, everyone around you also feel things strongly on some level. No one is a human robot, and that’s so wonderful. I’m rooting for all of us in our journey through this complex life❤️

When you two hugged, I cried uncontrollably with something like relief. I don’t think I’ve ever fought/repaired with a friend or family member in a positive way. Most times, an argument or expression of anger makes me feel like the other person is going to leave me. Thank you for sharing this, it’s very healing to see.

I actually was very annoyed at what Humberto said about the dishes thing myself, especially being someone on the fence about him my entire viewership. I thought it was sexist and weaponized incompetence, very flippant and smug. Watching this video actually let me in to his real personality, and to see he's actually a deeper individual than I thought. It was also an exercise in self awareness because I, like Dr Kirk, have a tendency to speak over people and use overly harsh language when I get angry. It was great to see how to initiate a de-escalation. Thanks to you both for this, you made a loyal viewer even more invested.

Thank you for this episode, Berto and Dr Honda. I haven't gotten to see men being vulnerable or self aware in this way before. It gives me hope. I also feel like I understand my own internal protector part better after this.

Humberto thank you for sharing this side with us. I have enjoyed this podcast it has allowed me to know you better and understand you better and also I can see parts of myself in you and I can just say you inspire me to keep growing and being a better human. Kirk thank you for showing your vulnerability and emotions too, and the friendship between you two is something special to see!

25 seconds into the episode and put it on pause to read the comments. Already tearing up because I know this one is going to be intense but impactful.

Wow, so many thoughts and feelings about this episode. I see myself in some of the "digging in" behavior that both Kirk & Berto engage in here, and now I'm motivated to catch myself next time it happens and realize that being right is not the most important thing in the relationship. Berto's multiple breakthroughs are amazing to watch, but also I felt that Kirk had a breakthrough of his own. After he first softened and apologized, it seemed like he was finally ready to listen -- and then had genuine remorse for how his questioning must have affected his best friend. Ironically, part of Berto's pain came from feeling that Kirk was psychoanalyzing him, but if Kirk was really doing that, I'm sure he would have deduced earlier that there was fear and hurt behind Berto's anger and maybe taken the conversation in a different direction. Thank you both for allowing us to witness this wonderful example of conflict resolution and growth. ❤

Hi Kirk and Umberto. This was such a powerful one. I cried too. Your vulnerability is inspiring. I can relate to Umberto a lot. I have done this sort of arguing and defence and it was hard to recognize it. I also have friends who I have hurt and yet they are patient with me. Kirk, you showed me how to express hurt and still stay in the moment. I recognized the many times people have loved me even tho I was hurting their feelings.

Dr. Kirk when you were saying “you can’t admit you did something wrong” you got that “smug Ed” face you hate 😩🤣You must’ve had some interesting planetary transits this day 🤣 but THANK YOU for sharing this. A mirror of many arguments I’ve been a part of and so happy to witness with a different set of eyes. Thank you both ❤

Dr Kirk, THANK YOU. I oftentimes feel like a failure that I have these arguments in my own life, am triggered by my loved ones even though if I take a moment and am cool-headed again, I can recognize what made them feel a certain way and how valid their feelings were even when we both got mad. Especially because I am sensitive, and am on track to become a therapist myself. I appreciate your honesty and the disclosure of this very personal moment and what it meant to you guys within the bounds of a very long-term, dear friendship.

What a beautiful, healing conversation. I love to see this modeled for all of us to learn from. Thanks Humberto and Kirk!

in regard to the first argument, you coulda maybe given him the benefit of the doubt more / moderated your tone but like... you werent wrong lol

@jaded33967

Жыл бұрын

Lol right?? Berto was being ridiculous in his defenses

@tomburns5231

Жыл бұрын

Nah, he was wrong. But so was Humberto. But we can never get to that point while the emotions are high and there is hurt animating the conversation.

@detdara7059

Жыл бұрын

yea i mean i wish dr honda woulda just asked whether or not the feedback was unsolicited or requested at the beginning lol but i get it, in the end they were both arguing "the principle of the matter" and not the literal topic at hand. good for them though that this lead to them working through a broader relational pattern between them!

You both ROCK! I cried too. I have had the same best friends for 15 years and sometimes these conversations have to happen. Love that you both were able to grow and become stronger from this.

I’m a Latina girly with a lot of Latino family members (obviously) and friends. It’s such a common cultural thing to die on the silliest of hills, both to spare your pride and to avoid showing how hurt you are inside. I saw myself in both of you a whole lot this episode, but especially Humberto. Thanks 💕🫡

Also, I find Homberto’s humor after a fight like that about the elephant in the room hilllarrioousss! When he mentioned wanting to be involved in his kids lives and how the dress, I died laughing 😂😂😂

@mikhaelahhh

Жыл бұрын

Me too! Perfect moment to help break the tension with a joke 😂

Why are humberto and i the same person… When I get in these argumentative spaces I feel like I don’t deserve this kind of reconciliation. Thanks for modeling quick forgiveness. And congrats on such a long friendship it’s beautiful to see

I appreciate the disclaimer because I personally get really anxious to think about disagreements and whether I feel like there’s any real closure or not.

@tomburns5231

Жыл бұрын

Yea, that was helpful! To know in the end it's going to be okay.

I think I understand what Humberto was trying to say but can also see how Dr. Honda and others could misunderstand him. I’m guessing he’s had conversations about this with his wife before where she might’ve even asked him to give his honest feedback on certain things, even when she doesn’t ask him, or he checked in with her to make sure it was okay that he was so direct. For example, as a neurodivergent person, I dont always pay attention to my surroundings and have a hard time making decisions when I have too many options. Knowing this about myself can cause a lot of anxiety, as I tend to also over think things. So I’ve asked my very detail oriented partner to always steer me in the right direction and give me his honest opinion on things, especially when I dont notice that I need the advice( not sure if that makes sense). If I’m not sure if an outfit looks good, I’d much rather he be honest with me, even if it doesn’t feel good to hear at the time. I know that the immediate feeling of disappointment because an outfit didn’t work out will pass in minutes and he is actually really helping me cope with my anxiety. This kind of communication makes me feel like I can trust and lean on him more than anybody else. Of course, he is always super respectful and kind with his feedback and I appreciate him a ton. Thank you both for sharing 😊❤

This conversation was very insightful.. It made me think of my own flaws. I tend to be very critical and complain often, particularly at work. Its taken me a while to even realise its a problem but now to deal with why and how to change is probably going to take even longer. Listening to this podcast over the passed few years has really helped me to be introspective of myself. So thank you both for making me feel less broken and more human.

This was honestly very educational & compelling. Thank you guys for doing this

Thanks so much for sharing this vulnerable conversation. Because I can really relate to Humberto in this I learned a lot from him!

@Mama_Bear524

Жыл бұрын

It’s interesting because I see myself in both. I’ve done both and even in the same argument. I see now how bad it is. I’m just in awe. Seeing it in others is so eye opening

@Jasmijnsemi

Жыл бұрын

@@Mama_Bear524 it really is!

I just realized that whatever personality structure most accurately describes Humberto, I am very much the same! In conversations I am more focused on (or, "care about") logic, truth, right vs wrong than I am about the emotional valence with the person I am having the conversation with. I have learned to "give up" in order to get past the moment, in order to not let it jeopardize the relationship. I also get accused of not "caring" (technically correct in the moment), and I often feel misunderstood, impatient, and irritable.

@feedyourhead731

Жыл бұрын

You're probably a thinker like Humberto (Myers Briggs type) and Kirk is a feeler.

Congratulations to you both for growing and working through this together :) Super inspiring and uplifting!

This is one of my absolute favorite episodes!! Thank you so much for posting this. It was truly moving witnessing you two navigate and resolving that conflict. My admiration for you both continues to grow!

Thank you for your vulnerability! It's interesting to have this guided viewing of a conflict between people with a substantial history of friendship. I observe fear of conflict within myself, an eagerness to dismiss opinions/people for the sake of feeling right. Your breakdown feels valuable to lessen the terror and insecurities I feel when (even imagining) I'm in conflict.

This was such a great video. I think you've helped a lot of people by showing them how you can argue with someone you care about and come out the other end of it still loving one another, even after you've hurt each other. Thanks so much for sharing this

I initially was side-eyeing Humberto because of his comments and was in full agreement with Dr Kirk however when Humberto had his revelation it was truly humbling to see. We often give ourselves grace when we’re misunderstood or taken out of context but we rarely extend the same level of grace to others. Thank you both for a truly human and cathartic discussion.

It was great to watch you go from escalating conflict, open conflict, de-escalation and conflict resolution so well. And its lovely to see a more personal side to you, Kirk! It's nothing to worry about at all to let people see you a bit more. Great job guys💚

This is beautiful, thank you so much for sharing!

This was fantastic. Thank you for being vulnerable, I can’t imagine the guts it must have taken to post this. I’ve been a fan of your channel for a long time and I think this was the best, most helpful episode I’ve seen. ❤️

Even 20 mins in helped me feel strong enough to voice hurt ive felt by someone. Thank you for your vulnerability to show that we are human and fallible and our willingness to face and awknowledge that, accept our wrongs as strongly as we accept our rights, will serve to bring us closer to love and each other.

This made ME cry 🥲 I appreciate you showing us real human experiences and how we are all human but that we can also successfully navigate tough human experiences. So thank you to you both!! This was heartwarming and just so beautiful to watch

I'd imagine another reason - aside from personal history - that you got triggered by Berto's initial comments is due to your support for feminism and gender equality. Though it's clear it wasn't his intent, it SEEMED an awful lot like he was doubling down on defending behaviour that seemed misogynist (entitlement re: "male gaze" and criticizing a woman's clothing, not contributing to his fair share of household labour and being blasé about it) I know for me when someone I care about seems to display sexist behaviours, it's really triggering and shocking to me. It's hard to rationally approach someone once it sounds like they're defending something indefensible.

@tomburns5231

Жыл бұрын

Yea, I think that's a very good observation and likely true. It can happen a lot to both Humberto and Kirk (and anyone), I think.

@baintreachas

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, I am like that too but bc I happen to be someone who doesn’t give a shit about what I wear and will defer to someone else (bc if I don’t care and they want to make a good impression and they know what it means for them, why not?) this didn’t happen to trigger me. Funny how that turns out. Makes me wonder how many conversations I’ve distorted in the past, in either direction

@msmendes214

Жыл бұрын

I scrolled through a bunch of comments looking for an analysis like this one, because that was also my thinking as I listened to the argument start...I honestly found Dr Honda's irritation at Berto's logic as understandable.

@pamelac3940

Жыл бұрын

@@msmendes214 Right?! I would be really annoyed if I felt like someone close to me seemed to be making sexist comments. I think it's a pretty normal response to become "dickish" when you believe the person you're talking to is espousing really troubling beliefs, and you're alone standing up for what's right.

@pamelac3940

Жыл бұрын

@@msmendes214 Same! For someone who shares his values, it’s understandable he would be a little shocked by a friend making statements that are so antithetical to what he expected they say. *especially* when it touches on an issue of deeply-held ethical conviction

Powerful episode. I appreciate you both allowing us to be spectators to such an honest, vulnerable and moving exchange. It made me cry watching you cry Kirk and I truly thank you for not hiding that emotion from us. What came up most powerfully for me was the feeling I had seeing and experiencing the deep and complex friendship between you both. I see, what I believe to be, a lot of shallow friendships out there but in my heart I know that this is the kind of relationships that we crave and need. It gave me both hope (that this exists) and pain/grief (that my friendships have not reached this level and to all of those out there who also have not experienced such a friendship) This was a beautifully authentic and inspiring experience to have as a viewer. Thank you again

This may be my favorite episode so far. Thank you so much for being willing to share. It’s great to see such a great friendship and conflict resolution. ❤ Thank you Berto and Kirk!

Wow! That was really fascinating to watch for so many reasons. Observing how other people have and navigate through a disagreement; my own perceptions based on my own biases on what seemed to be happening and a tendency for me to want to take a side here; observing and reading emotions and tones of both parties and also NOT seeing some things that were later verified to have been present; relating to being more like one or the other in some exchanges I have been in; being made aware of ways in which I may behave in a disagreement although for different reasons; watching a breakthrough and relating to when I've had one myself; the beauty of resolution and love; and the takeaway of how I can try to be more perceptive, empathetic, self-relfective and vulnerable the next time this happens to me. I'm really glad you posted this. Thanks for being vulnerable to us!

Thank you so much to both of you for sharing this, for being open, vulnerable, honest, and human. Seeing you stay at the table and work through the stuff this was bringing up for both of you individually and how that plays out in your relationship was a beautiful thing to see.

This was fascinating to watch and I deeply appreciate the vulnerability and growth you both shared with us. I admire the fact that you guys talked through your thoughts and emotions, stuff that’s been building for years, and for you guys to come together in the end with a better understanding of each other and a stronger friendship was deeply touching and eye opening. A happy ending indeed.

I love y’all. I cried along with you! ❤ I can see it from both sides, and actually had one of my own light bulbs go off, hearing Berto talk about growing up in a family where your opinion was regularly rejected. Thank you so much for sharing something so vulnerable. Keep doing the good work that you are - it matters.

Just wanted to comment that I really appreciate the vulnerability that comes with posting this. And I see myself in this video, when I have had arguments/conflict with my best friends. I can relate and will take away trying to be softer and open to there perspective.

I am 10 minutes in and I want to say that I am glad this was posted. I have noticed in the episodes where Humberto is on that I cannot get through them because I personally found you a bit condescending towards him several times. I didn't hold it against you because it is a pattern that I myself had [and sometimes still do] with one of my closest friends. And, honestly, I am anxious about listening to this but I always find value in seeing how others navigate similar situations. While I feel my pattern has healed, for the most part, there may still be things I can learn so I do want to listen to this. Kudos to both of you for the courage to post this. As to feedback, Hispanic cultures generally speaking, do not have great boundaries so commenting on family members' appearance and choices is quite common. I'm not saying it's ok, but it is very common, especially for the Caribbean. And Colombian culture is closer to Caribbean than it is to South American, imho. One more thing that I'd like to point out is that how you view this depends a lot on your individual values. Personally, I value honesty above "niceness". So, Humberto's comments about clothing wouldn't bother me.

Thank you for sharing this! Not only is it personally helpful, it makes me think even better than I already thought of both of you.

@Mama_Bear524

Жыл бұрын

Exactly the same. This is more valuable than all the gold in the world

Thank you so much for posting this episode! Growing up, I never had examples of arguments that were resolved like this. In a way, it gives me a bit of conflicting feelings because, to be honest, it's kind of difficult for me to register your conversation as an argument (and I mean this only anecdotally, I don't mean to minimize what it felt like to you in any way), the fights my family has had for years are so intense. At the same time, watching this felt very healing to me and I will definitely bring this up in my next therapy session. I even teared up when Berto got up to hug Kirk! Also, I know it must've been difficult to experience and even more difficult to post online, so thanks again to both of you! Much love from Brazil ❤🇧🇷

I've had so many hard convos with friends like this and watching you all talk it out and come to this moment is so wonderful. thank you for sharing. I remember listening to the audio version of the argument and being taken aback by how much you both got into it and wondering how that worked out, thanks for sharing this follow up.