What are your thoughts about Tom and Summer's relationship?

@WaridaRashid1409

Жыл бұрын

This is the first review of this movie I've come across that neither vilified Summer nor shamed Tom, just what I was looking for.

@therapymuch640

Жыл бұрын

@@WaridaRashid1409 Thank you! That's good to know. At the end of the day, we're all just doing our best. hehe

@WaridaRashid1409

Жыл бұрын

@@therapymuch640 Is there any way people in such situationships may end up together?

@therapymuch640

Жыл бұрын

@@WaridaRashid1409 Absolutely. It happens all the time. There may be some things to work out given the transition from a casual relationship to a more serious one, but it's very doable.

@EstelaAfonso-ws9vd

8 ай бұрын

Finally someone defends Tom's view! Even the actor who plays Tom, says he's a jerk, because he never listens. That's a bit far off. I don't see this movie with those black and white lenses. Both may be Fearful Avoidants. He's not listening and has his needs to be met (on his anxious side). But Summer plays meticulous games for her own purposes. She avoids him, then gets him hooked. Her manipulation is just unacceptable. Even the ending, when talking about her marriage, she's playing her own fantasy. The game isn't over. Both need work. I love the film for its realistic ending.

Zooey Deschanel did such a good job in that movie because she exudes such emptiness and coldness, someone who’s afraid to really feel even behind all the smiles. So different from her character in New Girl

@bageluserky

8 ай бұрын

This was peak Zooey imo. Indie goddess.

@amirrulasyrafibrahim2917

7 ай бұрын

She acted cold too I supposed with Ben Gibbard.

@cbushin

7 ай бұрын

The way Zooey Deschanel acted as Summer, I got the impression that there were already too many Toms in her life.

@jaydamizfit7824

6 ай бұрын

She wasn’t necessarily afraid, she was attracted to Tom but she didn’t wanna be with him ..

@one-eyedgaming6767

5 ай бұрын

​@@amirrulasyrafibrahim2917but that is how it is ?

THIS! Such a good analysis. Most of the reactions and comments 10+ years later focus on Tom and how he was "the villain". I mean, rightly so, he was very self-centered and unaware of Summer as a person, with her flaws and depth, he was so infatuated with her and put her on a pedestal. But no one focuses on how Summer also craved intimacy and her interactions with Tom were mixed-signals and she wanted a "situationship". She did have moments of connection and asked for more than a friendship and it was unfair of her too. They were both flawed.

@fruityeva

8 ай бұрын

Exactly👏🏻👏🏻

@NathanaelNaused

8 ай бұрын

I've always thought that you can tell people's bias based on whose side they took because of this exact reason.

@applepower5

8 ай бұрын

Yeah, I mean, I find it normal to be biased towards some situations, especially if it comes from having had a similar experience, but I find that extremes are never good for me. As a woman, I find it scary when guys show full hatred veering towards misogyny for Summer. @@NathanaelNaused

@NathanaelNaused

8 ай бұрын

@@applepower5 Yeah I can understand that and I agree. For me as a guy I find it odd when some women act like Summer "did nothing wrong" and by wrong I mean her part in allowing them to be far more than friends and benefit emotionally from his presence. Most of the while knowing he was becoming attached and not taking any responsibility for how she contributed to his fantasy. He's responsible for his fantasy but also you can't treat your "just friends" like that and be surprised when they get confused you know? Like gotta have boundaries to keep friends friends if you don't wanna date.

@applepower5

8 ай бұрын

"Over and over"? What movie did you watch? Summer says she wants to be friends and no commitment during the movie at least twice (when they meet, when they are in IKEA, and when they fight after the bar). The only time she addresses HIS feelings (and it is quite aloof, playful, and not giving him any answer) is when he asks her to define their relationship in the car scene, and she responds with "aren't you happy?" She does NOT ask him how he feels about her at any point in the movie, she is not interested in that. A great example is that after the bar fight, Tom wants to talk and she shows him the door (literally even getting his coat for him). She denies that they have a relationship once more (!!!!) and he explodes. Yet she goes to look for him in the middle of the night, and they apparently have sex once more. Denying further commitment but behaving as a couple (cuddling, sex, spending time together, having some moments of emotional intimacy) IS a situationship. He was very self-centered and Summer was also very selfish. Both are at fault here. Edited to add: oh to be fair, she kind of addressed his feelings...when they met up, after she got married to someone else and they were broken up.@@michellemartinez2

my take is that Summer wouldn’t have been ready for her husband had her and Tom never been together. So he unknowingly gave her this gift, and paid for it with his emotions over an extended and tumultuous stretch of time. Similarly, while we don’t know what happens with Autumn, I would say that he’s going to be just fine with her because of his experiences with Summer. That’s how these things work sometimes.

@hectormora60

8 ай бұрын

I would love to see a movie about Autumn days.

@Jazzmaster1992

8 ай бұрын

One thing that stood out to me was Tom's approach to initiating a relationship, from when he first meets Summer to when he meets Autumn. When he meets Summer, he's so afraid of rejection that he is beating around the bush, trying to find a way to steer them both into a relationship without asking any difficult questions ("rocking the boat", as he puts it). When he meets Autumn, he engages with her in some casual teasing and flirty banter before asking if she'd like to go on a coffee date. When she initially rejects him he accepts it and moves on without agonizing over not having his "dream girl". I almost wish the movie ended there, because it would've taught a valuable lesson about growing up enough to understand that rejection is a part of life. But it is Hollywood, so.

@akshayde

7 ай бұрын

I see tom repeating the pattern with autumn. I like how the movie called her autumn as a direct replacement and his face at the end is of immediate infatuation. But maybe I'm cynical.

@crater044

7 ай бұрын

​@@Jazzmaster1992I dont really understand your last point about how you wish the movie would have ended with him getting rejected but then Hollywood had to "Hollywoodize" it. If you remember, Autumn mentions that she's seen Tom at the spot overlooking the buildings. She's clearly recognized him sitting there and that if only he had been looking hard enough, he would have seen her. He didn't see her because he was stuck in his head or stuck on Summer. That clearly shows that theres something about Tom that Autumn sees and wishes to pursue as well but she's unsure, hence why she rejects him at first. But then changes her mind. She takes that leap, just like he takes the leap by asking her out in the first place (which he didnt do with Summer). It still hammers home Tom's growth and yea he gets his happy ending by meeting someone he's more likely going to have a better relationship (especially if you know the deeper meanings behind the names of "Summer" and "Autumn" which is summer is about a summer fling or a hot and heavy relationship but lacks substance while autumn is meant to represent a more deeper understanding and a deeper relationship). You can tell that's what the writers were going for and yea it does give it a happy ending for Tom to go along with his interview but it doesn't feel artificial at all once you understand that. So it actually kind of works that the ending is the way it is.

@crater044

7 ай бұрын

​@@akshaydeHow though? He's already broken the pattern. He's going for his dream job, he initiates a date (which he didn't do with Summer), he was clearly ready to just go on with his life when she rejected him. That's already substantial growth. The look at the end speaks many volumes but it doesn't tell me "oh here we go again", more like "well that's pretty funny". So yea.....probably just your cynicism talking.

Excellent breakdown. I was in a similar relationship, I was Summer and he was Tom. I was afraid of real intimacy and have been hurt by people I counted on that I kind of shut that side of me down. He pursued and pursued while I was dismissive out of fear. I decided to let him go because I did love him and wanted him to be happy; I thought because I was so disconnected inside, that was unfair to him and he deserved better. After months of self-reflection, I came to see how broken I was and grateful for the connection he patiently allowed me to see, but when I reached out, he was already in love in a new relationship and actually resented me for the withdrawal I put him through so now i am completed broken-hearted and full of regret because i feel as though i deserved that hurt and i lost a friend; one that i let my guard down with but it was too late. So I'm on my 155 days of him.

@HL-hr4ox

9 ай бұрын

I’ve been in the exact situation several times. I’ve finally healed some & continue to. I’ve since had 1 short relationship & I tried but still wasn’t ready - I was honest the whole time to try to head off hurt feelings. I think as we continue to learn & grow & change & heal, we will allow more & more healthy vulnerability to flourish from both sides of a relationship.

@azrilntdrill

9 ай бұрын

You deserve to be heartbroken after all the avoidant shat you put your guy

@alit.aldabas4561

8 ай бұрын

Basically my girlfriend did the same to me she loved me but she always kept things closed down inside and doesn't share as much as i do with her & she couldn't give me the passion i gave her so she decided to leave me because she wanted me to have a relationship that makes me feel loved and said that i deserve better. I still having faith in our connection together and you gave the hope and i'll be waiting for her, i believe in her i hope that her self-reflect goes well as yours and i'm glad you made that i know it's really hard

@AnselSf1

8 ай бұрын

@@alit.aldabas4561baby, don’t. Don’t wait for someone, go live your life. If you cross paths again, then great, but don’t wait out on someone who never said they’d come back.

@Caroline-qy6tl

8 ай бұрын

Very very insightful! Congratulations 😊

This movie is unfairly criticized for the “manic pixie dream girl” trope but this is a really good movie of when someone lives in their own fantasy and doesn’t know how to properly communicate and express what they want and expects the other person to know.

As an anxious attachment who has recently ended a relationship with a fearful avoidant, I can truly resonate with this movie and this analysis.

@user-js4mt1nr2y

5 ай бұрын

As an fearfull avoidant (F) I can relate to Tom falling for a Dismissive avoidant (M) like Summer. Only difference is that it was mainly in my head and hart because I don't chase, he put up boundries that were very vague and future faking and then I retreated still in love than he just kept comming back chasing me which made me extremely hopefull and anxious and then he was denying it again. Obviously to make things actually happen there need to be someone actively chasing without retreating like an anxious person to have this outcome.

@miapardo6319

5 ай бұрын

He's avoiding intimacy as well by never really listening her needs and traumas, He was just idealizing an idea without giving the other person the option to be a real human being. There is the point when both become a fearful avoidant, eternal loop.

My conclusions from the video are, that for people like Summer to change, they first need to realise their nature about being dismissive of love. Then work on it. For people like Tom, they need to be clear about what they seek.

@theluckienurse

8 ай бұрын

I agree… and, for people like Tom, take it at face value when someone tells you something. I’m like Tom and I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartaches if I listened when guys said they weren’t looking for anything serious instead of psychoanalyzing them or thinking I could “fix” them lol

Most guys I know have been in the Tom role at least once in their lives if they are being honest. Tom idealized Summer from early on and believed they were meant for each other and were soulmates just because they liked a few of the same songs and musical artists early on and he liked the way she looked. Yet he overlooked many other things they didn't have in common, many of which are much more important than liking similar songs and that she was sending mixed signals throughout their relationship. She often seemed disinterested and like she'd rather be somewhere else when they were out together. The truth is her romantic interest level in Tom was always mediocre and never went much past the "he's kind of cute" type of thing and Tom lowered her interest over time with his clingy behavior. I think Tom was a guy who had been hypnotized like many other guys over the years by Hollywood movies, tv shows and music into thinking he would eventually get the girl if he just did more and showed his interest more that she would eventually see the light and fall in love and they'd live happily ever after. And it just doesn't work that way in real life like it does in Hollywood movies and romantic comedies. Also, Tom had some other issues in his life and was kind of just stagnating and was expecting that a relationship with Summer would suddenly somehow fix everything in his life including his lame job that he didn't really like.

@frankinsaneandmyrrh1202

4 ай бұрын

exactly, thank you.

@rafaelagomes5086

2 ай бұрын

most girls I know have been in the tom role as well. But in their case, they are always gosthed, what is really worse haha its not like a guy or girl thing

@ALTheFreeMan

2 ай бұрын

You hit the nail on the head, great comment!

Is Tom also avoiding intimacy by sticking to an unavailable partner?

@Seamannon

8 ай бұрын

I think he is also avoiding intmacy by not seeing or treating her as an actual person. He puts her on a pedestal and never really asks her any real questions about her life, interests, motivations or goals. He constantly projects his fantasies onto her without giving her any space to grow beside him, he expects her to fill a box that is exactly the size of his romantic needs and expectations, but he doesn't hold enough space in his mind for a real person with her own messy past and traumas, who has her own needs and desires for life.

@TheLunablackheart

8 ай бұрын

Ooh I never thought of it like this and I think you're entirely correct.

@jmfs3497

8 ай бұрын

Damn, that's huge. And proably one of the biggest missteps in dating. @@Seamannon

@akshayde

7 ай бұрын

No not at all. He just doesn't have the experience and tools to recognise whats going on. He has blinders on and he is infatuated with her beauty. He is too focused on her and has lost touch with what he needs or rather is not giving his needs the importance he needs to. Trust me, I know😂

@jengapuppy

7 ай бұрын

@@Seamannon this is so well said

Summer is blatantly honest with what she wants at least at the beginning, and that is the ideal situation because this is a movie. Many people that I encountered told me that they wanted a serious relationship with me, yet they still bailed without any explanation.

@DD-ry4mm

6 ай бұрын

I thought the same thing.Until I realized It was manipulation too! They dont say "I dont want a relationship" soo you can run from them they say soo you cant complain when they treat you bad.Every bad treatment will be a excuse of "I told you I didnt want a relationship".When you accept that you are basically saying they have absolute control of the situation and you are an object with no voice.You cant complain about ANYTHING.These people are very smart 😅 They say I dont want a relationship but they love bomb you and then PULL away and then love bomb you again and they dont let you go! They keep showing UP from time to time.He used to say you are soooo special to me,I like you soo much etc and then invited me to a motel (the only PLACE he invited me).Luckily I told him NO in ALL times but I got involved with him and we kissed many times and almost got there and he drove me INSANE with his inconsistence. You are the one who has to shut door dont expect them any consideration they are only interested in themselves.

@MylesKillis

5 ай бұрын

And yet she kissed and pursued a guy who made it very clear he was a hopeless, romantic

@josefk7437

4 ай бұрын

@@MylesKillis She did not seem to think you need a serious relationship to kiss someone or make out. A casual fling is her loophole.

@MylesKillis

4 ай бұрын

@@josefk7437 too bad they didn’t only kiss

@jessicamessica2271

3 ай бұрын

Yeah but they were together a year and a half. It's more than just hooking up at that point. Idk she was honest, but I also think she should have picked up on Tom's feelings for her. And Tom should have communicated better. I do think it's annoying when people wanna have a whole "almost relationship" but don't wanna put labels on it. Realistically someone will get burnt by that.

Its funny how Summer tells him "Most marriages end in divorce", which sound like a fun fact a quirky cute girl would say in movies, but then she says there's no such thing as love, its fantasy" in a rather cynical tone, sounding much like the type of women who Tom wouldn't be attracted at all. Summer, however, superficially fits Tom's taste, she dresses in vintage and talks softly. He just chooses to ignore the qualities that are clearly there but don't seem as overt. Perhaps there are women who look more "stereotypically" cynical and aromantic, which Tom would quickly be turned off by.

@josefk7437

7 ай бұрын

Tom should have known right away that he was not going to get what he wanted from Summer. He failed to read her. Summer told him and he ignored her. Tom was too superficial for his own good.

@JoyAdebambo

4 ай бұрын

Yeah… she didn’t look like she believed love didn’t exist which I feel would look like a goth chic with thick eyeliner 😂

@ethanvu7360

3 ай бұрын

Happens a lot that people fueled by love and emotions are often blind to details like that. Its so easily to put off and to think “shes just joking” and even more so harder to think shes telling the “truth” when they display chemistry and intimacy contradicting their statement

I was with someone who essentially gave answers like 'I don't know'. Trust me, if you can, walk away from those people. Its better to hear a negative answer or 'we are just fooling around casually nothing serious' which maybe something you don't want to hear, than a vague nothing answer that lacks clarity because then you are not spinning around in your head trying to figure out what's going on in another person's head. Never again (I hope)

@Anthonydcpc10

3 ай бұрын

Yup, avoidant attachment style. You feel like you can change them. But you can’t. And they likely won’t ever change. If they eventually realize the patterns of their behavior, they may want to change. But that may never occur, especially if they seem to believe that their partner is the problem after every breakup.

@daggerix445

Ай бұрын

THIS. my ex who just broke up with me has a detachment mindset and believes I'm the cause of our relationship failing when all I've been doing is providing, and supporting, minding my own buisness when i want and every chance I get. I'm heartbroken because she didn't see the value in our relationship AND the cause of her stress and hectic lifestyle she portrays it on to me leading to me getting shit on. Edit: I just read that some blame the ones who have detachment issues, but in reality, they're not into or find that person attractive 😅😢

Someone once told me that there will be a Summer for every guy. I had my days of Summer. I love this movie.

@rose14109

4 ай бұрын

Oh this 🙌

@DantesInferno96

3 ай бұрын

Currently on my 256th day of her lol. I'm going to end it in May. I can't take this anymore.

@thelazzyvlogger

2 ай бұрын

​@@DantesInferno96 good luck. Been with male Summer ( he already left). :)

something that people don’t notice about the movie is during the time summer and Tom spent together , she would ask him about his passions and desires. he was hung up at the same job while she was able to transition and even when she came back , he was still doing the same thing. While the movie is focused on love and emotions. That doesn’t take away from other factors such as Tom fell off , he literally was growing and wasn’t doing anything and let a girl be the center of his world , that’s not appealing. Notice after he starts to focus on himself and his goals , he ends up with a new job opportunity and a new girl at the end ( potentially).

Just as Tom hoped Summer would change and agree to relationship , Summer ALSO hoped that Tom would change and agree to casual relationship. I don't see how any of them get out of this as not guilty. Mind that it was Summer who gave mixed signal by saying I want to friends and then kissing him.

@senai795

8 ай бұрын

But summer never agreed to be in a relationship while Tom did over and over again to not be in one to go along with what she was saying the whole time.

@Valkyri3Z

8 ай бұрын

@@senai795 and who initiated the kiss ? And sex ?

@senai795

8 ай бұрын

You can be in a situationship and not an actual relationship with both of those things. They both made their decision even tho the guy came to regret it.@@Valkyri3Z

@CalicoArchives

8 ай бұрын

@@Valkyri3Z Relax. It's a movie. In real life 99% of the time women never initiate.

@NicolasGarciaLanza

8 ай бұрын

I must be aswell, because it happened to me, too!

Best most nuanced commentary on this video. Summer is not heartless and Tom’s not the villain. As with real life, we’re all a bit of both

@donaldshotts4429

Ай бұрын

Ehhh? She's kind of a bad person. She flirted with him on the train and danced with him at the wedding knowing that she was engaged and that Tom was crazy about her.

Unlike me in my situationship when he said he was not ready for a commitment but he wanted me in his life.. as a friend. And now he doesn't have a friend, and I don't have a boyfriend. Are everyone is still unhappy 😅

A rom com that doesn't sugar the pill. Gives it to you straight.

I got the impression that Summer already met too many Toms before meeting Tom. Too many guys projected their fantasies onto her and she was burned out.

@abhinashpalai6600

2 ай бұрын

Lol, they were together 1.5 years. The least you owe them is honesty. If you had other boys, abusive exes, whatever, could you have not spoken to the guy you're seeing? Don't you think a guy like Tom even if lacking in maturity wouldn't have done his best to console? I think feminists see one movie where the female represents the same hypergamy we see in all the dating apps today, they see their own faces and cannot cope with it.

She wasn't that attracted to him and just couldn't see it long term. She blamed her lack of emotional-intimacy on her own issues/ her parent's divorce as a way not to hurt him. She didn't want to tell him the truth.

@LittleCuteFlower

8 ай бұрын

Exactly! It's not about being ready or having trauma. If you truly fall in love it doesn't matter, you want to be with this person no matter what. She just didn't really love him

@onceinawhile7

8 ай бұрын

Spot on. People blame a lot on emotional unavailability when really you’re just not that into them

@Bert7777

8 ай бұрын

Why would she want a casual if she wasn’t that attracted to him?

@av3ngers17

8 ай бұрын

​@@Bert7777because he's good enough for something casual but not serious. if he was her dream guy then she'd want something

@Bert7777

8 ай бұрын

@@av3ngers17 fair enough. It could also be she had past trauma and wasn’t ready for a relationship yet but could be wrong it’s just a movie lol. However this situation does play out in real life with people.

I had a similar situation like this. I was Tom, she was Summer. She was so hurt by past relationships that she wasn't willing to get close to me and it prevented intimacy. I couldn't blame her for her past troubles, but it eventually got in the way where it was brought up a lot. I get it, people have baggage. I was willing to be patient with her but in the end it didn't work. I could say I have my hang ups too because of my lack of experience which raised cause for concern but I also to some degree idealized the relationship. I was a bit obsessed with the label of a relationship and could've listened to her problems more. I also at times put her own needs above my own. It was more or less a clean break but we both didn't like how things panned out. We were both flawed and wanted to work through it, but a lot of times, it just can't work.

I love the idea of a couples therapist reviewing relationship dynamics in tv. Do more!

Tom met “Autumn” at the end after he’d done some necessary work on himself. Let’s not forget that little tidbit. I honestly think it was a matter of timing as well. Summer was in a jaded place, but still open to casual connection. Tom was more willing to be vulnerable because he was looking for something to attach to, to escape his discontent with his life. Her unavailability was attractive + seemed like a challenge etc. She was the catalyst that woke him up to himself. In the end, she was the experience that helped him evolve. Sometimes people feel like “the one” but they’re just an experience. Relationships are mirrors and they help us grow. Summer ultimately met someone who ignited the belief in the things she doubted. As personal as it feels, it’s really not. Tom didn’t ignite that in her. They were meant to be, just not meant to last. She got out of it what she needed and so did Tom. The reason this is one of my favorite movies is because of how realistic it is. Most often, relationships happen this way.

@josefk7437

7 ай бұрын

This is one of my favorite movies because of its open-endedness and need for audience participation. The audience gets to decide of Tom gets a happy ending with Autumn. I thought Tom was immature and unlikeable, so I imagine that he fails again with Autumn. Tom being an unreliable narrator left Summer up for interpretation.

@anonyraj2891

5 ай бұрын

'most relationshipa happen this way' seems like a personal experience lmao

@rose14109

4 ай бұрын

❤ True

Phenomenal analysis and you went beyond what the movie presented and helped us, as the viewer, to see that the same issues will arise unless they are dealt with. And I believe this was articulated so well: “The question is, “Why do people deny how they really feel?” Some people were taught from a young age that what they need and what they feel is going to be responded to with some form of judgment of, “You’re too needy”, “You’re too sensitive”. When we’re taught that, we end up learning to suppress what we need and what we want in order to kind of please others and make sure that we’re not pushing someone away or burdening someone.” Thank you!

It’s true you got to listen to what people are saying and their actions. If they are not alligned with what you want in life, walk away and keep working on your own life until you find the right people who understand your values and see your true worth.

As with many relationships timing is a large factor in any relationship connection. You can be the most compatible but if the timing isn’t there and you’re not ready it wont happen. Yea summer wasn’t attractive to Tom also. Tom is the type of guy later who will find happiness with himself and with another girl this is why you don’t need to get too hung up on ups and downs in life. It’s just a ride.

Great analysis, thank you a lot!

I was the Summer in the beginning and the other person was Tom, but then the relationship turned into a beautiful 1.5 years of companionship, which had it’s flaws but also was a truly enriching experience for myself. Thought I’d marry this person one day, plan a future together. Life happened and issues took place, which caused the other person to break up. What followed was almost a role’s reversal, I turned into Tom not being able to let go and the other person turned into Summer, was unable to let go of the connection either, but pulling the ,,friends“ and casual thing, also not being more firm in their decision, which caused tremendous emotional hurt to myself. Eventually, rebounding with each other endlessly often, but putting all the emotional responsibilities onto myself. And like Tom, I was holding on, trying to save and work on things, but you can never make someone who is emotionally unavailable for you into someone available, there’s nothing you can do. Funnily enough, we even watched this exact movie and discussed each other’s point of view….after the breakup and before everything turned into a nightmare. A month ago, after having been stuck in a situationship for 4 months after the breakup, the other person cut contact fully, met someone new days after we last shared a moment and has now been seeing this person, seemingly able to move on without issues and emotionally moved on and in peace. I have done lots of therapy and healing in the meantime (last 5 months), whereas the other person, I’m not sure. I’m just angry at myself now, but thankfully it’s season of autumn and I’m waiting for beautiful colors. Trying to release the other person with love and compassion and look forward to the future and brighter days.

@deeznuts7061

7 ай бұрын

She probably already moved on mentally long before she started dating that someone else. Good luck on your healing journey. I'm "Summer" and I am getting therapy. I am officially at a point where I stopped dating for everyone's benefit.

@QuestionQuestionMark

7 ай бұрын

Odds are she kept you around while she looked for someone else, and when that something else blossomed that’s when it was time she decided to leave. Hope you do well on your journey, I know sometimes it can be easier to just be distant.

@beecher171

7 ай бұрын

@@QuestionQuestionMark the tricky part is actually that we even work at the same company, so see each other every day. For me this seems especially difficult, because we fell in love at that place and there are so many memories attached to it. Adjusting to this change has been awful and really affected me badly. But in a few months I’ll be able to leave that job and environment forever, I’m looking forward to it!

@kasrahere

6 ай бұрын

I went through the same exact thing. I'm the one needing therapy rn while the other person is happy with someone new and moved on. And she was the one who cut all the connection when all she said was she was so in love with me and would come back and find me even if 10years passed. Also broke up and got together for 3 times during this journey, the end was obvious. And what's more is that it was a gay relationship and I don't think I'm gay. I was so down mentally and was so vulnerable. That's why it all happened.

Thanks for this analysis. This was incredibly relatable. I can totally blame myself for making those same mistakes. And this perspective really helps to be better.

Bro, I love your analysis. I have experienced that too and I can confirm all what you have said. That savior complex can really be a big trap. A relationship doesn't have to be hard to get in order for it to be special and real. Movies have conditioned us into believing that it has to be hard. Instead of wanting to change someone, just wait for the people who have the same vision as you ( and I said wait for the people do not even look for them, just keep an open eye and choose people who choose you)

I loved your video, thanks a lot for making it. I loved the way you talked about the concepts so humanly and calmly and put everything in terms of situations and patterns and how it all comes down to communication and coming to terms with what people are saying. You give off great vibes, subscribed :)

Loved this analysis! Well done!

This has always been a movie I've cherished since I first watched it back when I was about 17 (+10 years ago now). I never really understood it, I just liked it, period. I've been wanting to revisit it, and it just happens that I finished a relationship that just felt empty. Something felt off... Your analysis brought me to tears... I see myself resembled in Tom, and now I think I'm capable of watching the movie again and finally understanding it. If KZread's algorithm wasn't sentient before, now it's on to me.

this was so helpful and informative + insightful, thank you so much 🎉

They both suck, but I think that’s the point.

@tribecalledmaya

4 ай бұрын

😂 yes

Really good analysis! Also respectful as well.

we get confused with moments. just because you had a good time or fell into a moment doesn't mean it will or should keep happening. a moment is just that, a moment.

@abhinashpalai6600

2 ай бұрын

For many people (both men and women), especially the religious kind, sex is kinda sacred. It is never just a moment. I think if you bump uglies, you should be extra careful if you're not hurting somebody. I think casual sex is okay, only and only if, both parties are truly into it. Everyone calls summer soo emotionally intelligent, yet she took 1.5 years to realize that the guy was in it for the long haul, i think that's just plain stupid. It is classic narcissistic fvkboi behaviour fueled by female hypergamy and normalisation of sleeping around.

How come people flirt and not care about the consequences but when someone naturally responds to those flirtatious cues THEY'RE the ones in the wrong for having unrealistic expectations. I think the flirter should be more responsible or at least read a book about the difference between platonic and flirtatious behavior.

@wasitjustadream2345

6 ай бұрын

because they are both needy

@taanwallbanks9841

5 ай бұрын

Because people have different understandings of social cues, You might take being flirtatious to be romantic every time, where as some people see it as sexual and not romantic at all, and for others it's purely humor. Closeness doesn't mean Romance - I've told a lot of people things i've never told anyone else because they were close friends, doesn't mean i wanna be romantically involved with them. Nobody can know exactly for sure what a social cue could mean. It's why direct communication is important. And summer, at first at least, tried to be blatant about it, like at ikea "I wanna keep it casual" is 100% not "lets take it slow, we can be serious later" But Tom took it that way. He said so (or at least the first part), and summer should have responded for sure, but maybe she didn't realise the difference :/

@abhinashpalai6600

2 ай бұрын

​​@@taanwallbanks9841thats just BS. When society is more diverse, people are more considerate of everyone's feelings (unless you live in some racist sh**hole). Similarly, if people think that their casual flirtation is being reciprocated in a way that's not so casual, they should stop, consider others feelings. Just saying that I'm different from you, so love means different just seems so inhumane and unempathetic. If summer had never initiated physical intimacy, Tom would have never made a move. He was fed hope by the buckets and he didn't know it was like how geese are fed before their organs are cut into foie gras.

@taanwallbanks9841

2 ай бұрын

@@abhinashpalai6600 1) Society being more diverse doesn't make people less socially inept? Diversity is good, but it doesn't make us more psychic. 2) The point is they're *both* oblivious. Summer didn't realise they took the flirting seriously until much later, and Tom didn't realise Summer was being playful. 3) People understand things differently. It's a way of life. I'm aromantic for example. That doesn't mean i'm incapable of love, i love my family, i love my friends. i just don't really understand romantic love much at all. Besides, what would the better thing to say be? "I misinterpreted your feelings, I don't feel the way you think I do, but we can surely be friends" is surely the best thing right? (obviously not said that bluntly but something to the effect of that) For some people, sex is only for married people, and for some sex is something you do with strangers. Summer might have thought physical intimacy was just that and nothing more. (i'm not asexual, so i fully believe that in a lot of cases, sex doesn't need to lead to feelings or attachment. it can lead to friendships sure, but that's not guarenteed) 4) It's been several months since I saw the movie, but didn't summer repeatedly (she definitely did at least once) try to tell tom that it was casual? And when asked if he understood, he said yes. Tom probably thought that with enough time, that barrier could be broken down, and that might be how some people work, but not Summer :P Now Summer should have probably checked in more often on Tom, she surely caught on at some point, before the second ikea scene, probably, and shouldn't have waited so long to confront him. which leads to the main point - direct communication is key.

@abhinashpalai6600

2 ай бұрын

@@taanwallbanks9841 so both were oblivious but summer's statements are more valid because it was said. I thought it was also all about non-verbal communication. The way someone looks at you. The way someone cares for you. Everytime summer had a problem, Tom was over and beyond his duty to help. And summer had a shit ton of problems.. I get that people are not psychic, but that's not an excuse for leading on .I am just saying if I use this I didn't know, but I said something else first idea was applied on toxic male characters like Patrick Bateman, will you give them a redemption in the end?

Great analysis!! Keep up your videos fam, you’re really good at creating these 🖤

Actually a fantastic video. Good job on this one.

Finally, an actually good analysis of this movie. Keep this up.

Brilliant video, you deserve more subscribers!

I liked your way of spotting the red flags. Please do more of those.

Amazing breakdown sir, loved it!

Awesome analysis!

Thank you for sharing! I totally relate to an extended version of this. Me having been the Summer to my friend and my ex being the Summer to me. Ooof!

I learned a lot. Thank you.😊

One of my favourites romcoms. I must have watched it ten times and the more I watch it the sadder I get.

I needed this thank you

Wow, amazing analysis

Brilliant analysis

I saw this movie ages ago and I never really understood what the hell was going on. Thank you for breaking everything down so well.

this video is great, just wanted to tell you that. you also seem like a cool sympathic guy. i will continue on watching your videos, they are great keep doing this. its awesome

love this content man

People have things to learn from each other, maybe Summer started to understand her issues more and believe she could be loved through her relationship with Tom, maybe it took the time between Tom and the guy she settled down with to digest that information. I do think if you keep pursuing someone who says they only want to have fun and they're not ready for a relationship then you'll get hurt guaranteed. Maybe she wasn't that into him, she was into him enough to have something casual. It's not wrong of Summer to have been in that place or to have felt how she felt about him. I think the lesson really, is to communicate your wants and needs clearly and to hear someone when they do.

Hope you hit that 1k my man. I feel ya on that.

This was inciteful thanks

I really resonated with your assessment. I've just had a situation not too dissimilar from Tom's, though my "Summer" was a little less anti-love and more "I'm taking for you and I'm afraid of that." Regardless, your analysis was really eye-opening for me. Thank you. 3:59

I was Tom. That was a good analysis. Thank you.

I haven’t watched this movie in years but I just now realized that this is like the typical relationship a 20 something girl gets into with a guy. Where the guy doesn’t want anything serious and the girl is just hoping they’ll change their mind and eventually gets crushed.

@josefk7437

7 ай бұрын

I think that is a gender reversed version of the movie. The guy wanted something serious but the girl did not.

@xiangranliu4712

5 ай бұрын

so true, I am the 20-year-old girl, and I met a 28-year-old man, same situation

I relate with Tom. Through years of personal work I can shift a bit towards secure, but it takes so mcuh time haha😅

Great video thank you

Great movie. Great commentary.

My psychologist would say that Tom probably deeply inside doesn’t want commitment too or afraid of relationships, that’s why he agreed on all these conditions.

This is great stuff

I've never seen this movie. But heard a lot. I've watched this and honestly shocked me. I was in a relationship in 2019 and I was Summer. I literally said to my bf " I don't believe in Love" , and I also said "let's not put labels" . How immature I was and honestly nowadays I feel more like single Tom when he is angry about love songs and movies. Thank you for this video

This is so good! You should break down more romance films

Amazing! G-d bless you!

This was a beautiful way to break the movie. Makes complete sense 🥲

This was a two-way thing. Tom should have expressed that he wanted something serious. Summer shouldn't have avoided the signs that he wanted something more. Although she was upfront about her feelings towards the relationship, she still put some mixed signals out there later on.

@siunami6432

8 ай бұрын

Some? She initiated all intimacy... the copy room kiss, the sex, the cuddling

@Jazzmaster1992

7 ай бұрын

@@siunami6432 yeah, but people love to act like it's all his fault because he didn't "take her at her word", but that's hard to do when your words and your actions do not align.

I just got out of a relationship like this, but he didn’t tell me he was never going to love me until 2 years in. We were together for 4 until September 8th

Reminds me of my first love experience such a hard draining relationship to be in especially when she left after 4 years of this no labels bs and I pushed it down so much just like him

Just stumbled across this video and liked it a lot. if you ever wanted to do another video like this, id recommend Don't Worry Darling.

This movie shows something similar that a passed with someone recently and was almost a year of relationship. I always respect her and give her time. After almost a year i wonder where our relationship was going and start doubting if she really loved me. She always was honest like summer and i was like tom giving her time and space but i couldn't really realized why she was like that until after we broke up and getting knowladge from videos which shows her possible behavior. I wish i would know all these before would let me save a lot of hurting and suffering. Im still trying to move on but its hard. She said it is really hard for them but it actually seems like the get over it to easily. I wonder how they want to be loved if them even know what they really want because the suppress all their feelings Ps. I never whatched this movie before now I really want to watch it

This is so well explained! I feel for Tom but so much of this pain could have been avoided if he had stood up for what he really wanted.

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZread channel 9 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,727 subs and > 1k hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

Lesson learned is: If you have a shot with Zooey Deschanel in her prime you should run away bc she’s emotionally unavailable.

@mvejar1970

8 ай бұрын

out of curiosity, what happens when two unemotionally peeps get together? Does it work out?

@mikecantreed

8 ай бұрын

@@mvejar1970 eventually one person catches feelings and the other ends it.

@marithajones4667

8 ай бұрын

@@mikecantreed felt

@JohnDoe-jt9oq

3 ай бұрын

It doesn't typically happen, anxious attachment and avoident attachment styles typically attract, the idea is to work towards becoming more secure. ​@mvejar1970

This movie looks torturous, the whole anxious and avoidants together. Who wants to relive situationships.

The first (and only) time I watched this movie was with a girl and... it was so bizarre. As we watched this movie together, it was almost as if I saw ourselves in Summer and Tom. She insisted she didn't want a relationship and said it upfront, but she wanted to fool around and act as if we were a couple. When he says "Friends my balls," I know how he felt. But her actions led me to believe things would change, and it turned into an on-again, off-again thing. But eventually, in the end, we went our separate ways. This was years ago. I haven't dated much since. That experience left me with more questions than answers, when it comes to romance these days.

super good content

I have been both summer and Tom and damn does it hurt either way. Love this movie and this analysis!!

It’s essential to consider in ‘500 Days of Summer’ that Summer’s decision to commit to someone else doesn’t imply she’s incapable of commitment. On the contrary, Summer’s clear communication about her reluctance to commit to Tom from the start highlights her respect for the gravity of commitment. Her choice not to commit to Tom doesn’t indicate an inability to commit but rather a mismatch of expectations. Summer takes commitment seriously, as evidenced by her reluctance to enter a relationship that didn’t align with her feelings. Her decision to commit to someone else reflects compatibility rather than an inherent commitment issue. The film sensitively portrays the complexity of relationships and the importance of aligning expectations and intentions.

@JustLIkerapunzel

5 ай бұрын

Ooor - she grew through her experience with him and was able to recognize what she wants / needs and what not in a partner and she did push herself through the time with Tom to overcome her comfort zone and open up more. Later she simply found someone who made her feel safer and she could therefore overcome her avoidant protective coping mechanisms or better said not feeling like she needs such tactics anymore with a partner who is less anxious leaning and more securely attached than Tom was.

@anonyraj2891

5 ай бұрын

what about the very human nature of caring for the person you're sleeping with and playing him so bad

So goood❤

Good video .

I love the way you talk about things in a very logical yet, understanding the illogical nature of humans, way. I’m personally in a situation where I am Tom. I’d love a video about the sort of scenario in the movie but whether a well intentioned partner can help that person or if it’s doomed from the start

Ow god im in this kind of a "relationship" time to start thinking about what i need!

great video!!! u got a new sub XD

Could you please, please review the relationship dynamic between the couple in Lie With Me? (2005). Its a film I still think about and would be curious for your perspective 🙏

it's scary how much of a mirrored situation i had xd, even the i don't believe in love scene

This is why I've decided to give up on dating. Best thing for me at this point in my life. been let down one too many times by relationships I put so much effort into

that happened to me love sucks but at the same time is beautiful just keep going everyone has someone meant to them, just keep looking

Ya I was in summers end with someone once .it was mostly just being called selfish and then when you tell them you just want a friend they push for more .I felt pressed to tell the person everything but I did want to because I know the person could be really judgemental that and there's just thing I don't want brang up or just didn't like talking about . He thought being mature is just bringing up heavy topics out of the blue. He was just and angry person and when he wasn't being angry he was being handsy without even bothering to ask if I was okay with . Which I wasn't because like before I told him I just wanted to be friends

Wow. Your work is amazing. ❤ Would you like to know more about your work.

I guess at some point she try to love him and try to fill his expectations but then she realised that she can’t force her feelings... And you can notice that because later on she found love with someone else... Love is a loosing game 😭

Y E S. that kind of people don't change overnight. If they want, they seek help otherwise they will repeat the same pattern one way or another

Oh Tom i feel u so hard right now

After learning attachment theory in adult relationship, I now try to distinguish what type of attachment styles does the lead actor and actress have.

I was the Tom, he was the Summer. He said he didn’t want to get in a relationship yet, but he still ended up saying “I love you” and suggesting we should move in together. I was so happy I dismissed the countless red flags I saw (him being disgusted of happy couples while shopping on Valentine’s Day, like what we had didn’t even matter to him; him saying “I can’t guarantee something will come out of this, despite saying he loved me, etc). He later decided he wasn‘t sure he really wanted me that way or if he was just afraid of being alone after having lost someone he almost married. I was clear I WAS very much, deeply in love and if he didn’t want me, then we should just cut it off. He said he didn’t want to decide yet in case he’d regret it later. Obviously I was pretty confused so I suggested we just turned it down a little and just acted as friends. Of course, that did nothing, because everytime I saw him, we ended up cuddling and sleeping together again. This went on for almost 5 more months in which he almost seemed clear about his feelings again but called it off everytime I asked too many questions and began getting extremely anxious and skeptical of his love. A month ago he met someone who he just described as this “really cool girl that I’d like a lot”. He was still giving me the gf treatment and inviting me to spend an entire day cooking together for his mom and sister, while also saying he wasn’t sure he’d find a good person and then describing me as this treasure among a sea of “fake, materialistic” women. Apparently, it was all words again because one week later she invited him to a wedding and that’s when he began taking longer and longer to reply, as well as lying about the fact he’s being seeing her despite saying “he has no time to go out”. Suddenly he’s come back to life, big on planning for the future and no longer complaining that he has no one to love. He still hasn’t told me anything about dating her, but the signs are too obvious. I wish he’d just kill it off for good, but he’s too afraid to say things that will harm others that I know he’ll just drop a picture of them together and that’s gonna be my closure haha

@strngenchantedgirl

8 ай бұрын

Honey you need to cut it off for good. He’s not meeting your emotional needs and is using you and you are letting him. You can meet someone better. Believe in yourself.

@NicolasGarciaLanza

8 ай бұрын

Well, you deserve better lol

Trick and the problem with all of this, there's a difference between what we want and what we need. You can match perfectly with someone on the wants, but the relationship will always feel like it's missing omething because needs not being met. Ive had to end what I thought was perfect match for this reason