Thank you, how rare it is to hear compassion towards avoidant attachment. I’m so tired of the dehumanization of those (myself obviously) that have an avoidant style attachment. I have CPTSD and didn’t choose my coping mechanism intentionally. Trying to rebuild new neuropathways and retraining my nervous system to feel safe when it’s telling me it isn’t safe isn’t an easy feat. Also, not every avoidant is a covert or overt narcissist. ❤

@joancramer3675

Ай бұрын

Fearful w/avoidant 8 months is now talking to another woman. Hard to deal with. But I’m just now learning about all this and he hasn’t a clue of why he acts this way. He does want me to be around. So I’ll keep growing even if he doesn’t want to. I’ve been ugly several times not knowing. Stressful 😣 but can’t give up on people. Retired now and knew him in high school. 😊Growing, a painful must. So hope he faces his pain to grow.

Thank you for sticking up for us, Jeff. Literally everything he just said is true. ❤

Avoidance is horrific. We need love but can't be intimate without losing ourselves. No-one wants us for long. We literally need to pull away sometimes and can't help it.

@PeculiarGirlKelly

11 күн бұрын

If you're aware of it, are you able to say something to a person you're dating? For me it would make all the difference to know that you're acting from a place of fear and self preservation rather than playing games and keeping me at arms length for other reasons. Avoidants can be so hard because they often act like "players" even if their motivations are wildly different. The differences, especially early in a relationship, are not obvious and so many of us have had bad experiences being played in the past.

@dylanjames1523

Күн бұрын

​@PeculiarGirlKelly we're able to we just don't. That's like taking our masks off. The reason we pull away is because we feel our masks falling off and we don't want you to see us without it. We feel if you see the real us, you won't like what you see and that's the real pain we're afraid of. We don't care if you reject our masks because it's not really us, but if you reject the person behind the masks it'll destroy us.

Thank you! ❤ We need and deserve love too. I want to be there for my anxious people but the overwhelming emotions from them often sends me into a dissociative state where I can’t be there for them the way I want and or they need. I’m working on it!

@suras8984

8 ай бұрын

You could probably just shoot them a text saying hey I really do want to be there for you but I am going through something right now and just need some time and space. I am unable to talk about it right now. I just ask for your understanding.

@storyspice974

5 ай бұрын

Thank you for at least being aware of it.

@hspinnovators5516

3 ай бұрын

So proud of you for being self aware. That's half the battle

@sewing2251

27 күн бұрын

That's great. The only thing I will add is that so many of these videos assume that dismissive avoidant folks are ALWAYS paired with anxiously attached folks. This is problematic and shifts the focus from insecure behaviors onto the dynamic that can exist btw an avoidant and axious pairing. When really, anyone would feel insecure when their partner shuts down and creates distance, not just another insecure person.

I feel seen. Thank you Jeff for helping to see our perspective. If you find yourself an avoidant person who is aware/mature/ and willing to work on their fears and the relationship, you will find that we are caring, fiercely loyal, and loving. Patience and safety helps us peel back our layers and open us up to the person that we innately are 💗

Thank you. I have had insights and deep early grieving like infant wailing around this topic. Disconnected, felt shame, learned reaching out was hopeless, abandon self to survive, and now see that same pattern you describe so well in my relationships. Deep wish to stay connected but when overwhelmed/triggered into the unworthy ashamed state I cannot access the worthy hopeful feelings that would allow me to tell my partner that I cannot meet their needs right now and what my needs are especially when those needs are for rest etc. Fatigue, low blood sugar, etc can prime me for this old feeling state and without the skill and body safety and enough sense of worth and without a partner who can be educated and see what might be happening (add some anxious abandonment issues on their end too...) and boom recipe for terrible rupture in the connection. As you say the exact opposite of what is truly desired. Thank you for making this video.

@CliffordNovey

Ай бұрын

Also Heidi Priebe has content on this topic that is very astute as well. Wish this consciousness and the internet were around in 1992 when I started therapy at 20yo.

People in comments acting like every avoidant style person is aware of them being the way they are, doing these things and hurting people with intention. Being avoidant is not the same as being a narsissist/sociopath. Projection all around. Most of the times when an avoidant person goes cold they have the intention of saving the other person trouble, we will fuck it up when the novelty of a new relationship wears down and you cant mask anymore. But dealing with the "thing" and practising good open comminication really helps .

@PeculiarGirlKelly

11 күн бұрын

This. I hope that we can all figure out our attachment styles eventually and be open to communicating about them. It would solve a lot of trouble in relationships to understand why the other person is acting a certain way.

@magnellah

8 күн бұрын

^ 100% this

As a DA, I don’t understand how to co-regulate my emotions. Only recently I found out about attachment styles. I thought all people should self sooth and take care of their own problems. Only come together when you aren’t going to completely DRAIN my emotional energy. I have very little ability to feel or identify my own emotions. But I FEEL an emotional Vampire. I Run! I actually carry other people’s emotions and I see this as love. But I can’t take Too Much. I am ALWAYS avoiding people who need my help to “feel better”. I’d rather help them Move! Im very loving with acts of service. So if your DA is always distant, look at yourself. Maybe you are draining the life right out of them. 😢 Try pretending you’re happy and stable. Your DA can spend quality time with you easier. Of course I’m new to all this so it’s just my 2 cents. I don’t rely on anyone. I certainly don’t expect you to consider my opinion. 😂This comment was more for my own mental process.

@star-cursed

10 ай бұрын

Love this! Especially the advice of even just making an effort of pretending to be emotionally stable. I've basically been faking it til I make it with being emotionally supportive to others and sometimes going through the motions is enough to actually make a genuine shift as it becomes more habitual and natural

@suras8984

8 ай бұрын

As an FA I can self soothe and I love to have a good time and have fun. I actually have a DA best friend, so I am very much able to deeply connect with a DA. But when it comes to romance that actually isnt enough for a DA to not shut down. Things cannot be always perfect as two individuals with 2 diff perspective are bound to disagree. I could not even have a calm disagreement with my DA ex without him shutting down. The DA still has to do work. And I get what you are saying because my avoidant side will be completely activated with an AA. I have a friend that I grew up with who is an AA and when I am busy with life she gets extra needy and It makes me want to run for the hills in ways Ive never felt before. The goal is healthy levels of interdependence so taking steps to rely on someone in a healthy manner is very important to becoming securely attached.

@hspinnovators5516

3 ай бұрын

Be careful though, shutting down your own dependency needs can create brain damage, stress and early death. If you learn secure attachment, others don't drain you because coregulation and boundaries become easier to navigate other than continuing the trauma. The drain comes from the other person not being able to coregulate with you so it's like hurting them so they are trying to get more because the withholding (even if not conscious or intentional it still hurts the other- called oxytocin withdrawal)

@Ken-od7gc

2 ай бұрын

Did you seriously say, "Try pretending you are happy and stable. Your DA can spend quality time with you easier."? Wow.

@RaisingZane

2 ай бұрын

@@Ken-od7gc People who don’t suppress their emotions seem so Miserable 😖. If they can’t actually control the emotions can’t they pretend to be happy and stable so they don’t bring people down or run off the DA? It seems selfish for them to expect Me to regulate Their emotions. Can’t we all act adult and just enjoy each other’s company? Clingy and whiny is so childish. I don’t even understand why anything I do has anything to do with them. I’m kind and civil. IF I spend time and resources on you, I love you. Accept that.

Understanding that our attachment styles (him- avoidant, me- anxious) trigger each other when tensions/emotions are high has helped us both learn to trust each other and communicate better.

yep. got it. but all too often the anxious person that they’re in a relationship or situationship with will always console themselves & justify a drama filled relationship because of the childhood trauma of their avoidant or otherwise dysfunctional partner. we know where it comes from…the anxious needs to hold others accountable, have reasonable boundaries & get off that roller coaster by deciding peace is way more valuable than a highly codependent, turbulent relationship. but we also know that their childhood trauma has them resistant to letting go & choosing to be alone over being “loved” by anyone. 😬 ^^pre coffee. i hope all of that made sense.

@Hrs3play

Жыл бұрын

Woooooooo say it again for the people in the back!

All i can say is certain ways that more anxious people try to communicate their feelings frighten me. Protest behavior for example especially out of nowhere. How am i supposed to react well when I'm also distressed now? Its a two way street

It's good to have compassion, of course. But that doesn't mean you should go into a relationship. I also have compassion towards druggies and alcoholics who have ruined their life, but that doesn't mean I should share all my money with one.

Maybe someday I will have compassion. Right now, after being discarded with no reason or explanation when just the week prior she told me point blank she loved our relationship because I didn't pressure, I didn't make demands, and respected her space ....I can't feel anything close to compassion. I hear the avoidants. Demonizing a group based on your own experience is not very mature and really is unfair. But if I date again I would not even consider a relationship with an avoidant. The hurt, the pain, the confusion, the uncertainty....once around is enough for me and I won't put myself in a position to be hurt like that again.

I wish I could just shut down and shut up in some instances. It’s never ever the right things to say according to the others. And so, I admire.

this is good and valid but also a lot of avoidant attachment ppl i’ve interacted with genuinely don’t care and forget about people who care about them.

@nataliaestrella8609

Жыл бұрын

As a fearful avoidant I can say it has more to do with being entrenched with your own emotions and how easily they can change. It feels like I’m drowning on a consistent basis but anytime I share my feelings with others I automatically assume that I’m dumping on them and either my feelings aren’t going to be validated or I’ll be pitied, so I’m not really the type to check in on my friends for their emotional needs unless I know I can be really present for them and not consumed with what I have going on. I just feel like if I am trying to meet their emotional needs I’ll take on their emotions and at some point lash out because I knew I was people pleasing when I didn’t have the emotional capacity for both our needs.

@saltandlight93

11 ай бұрын

Recommend leaving unhealed avoidant people alone. They have an excuse for everything. From a recovering avoidant lol i have a friend like that, i have decided we're not friends any more because I'm tired of begging for communication from her.

@hspinnovators5516

3 ай бұрын

Because they don't create serotonin in their brains to initiate. It's brain damage

Thank you!! It's especially sad when people complain about how their partner was an avoidant, but they're actually describing a narcissist, not an avoidant. We have the normal amount of emotions and we WANT the best for everyone. I'm working hard on myself and my triggers, but it's not easy and there's no quick fix. I have been attacked by bitter strangers just because I was honest about being an avoidant. Once again, their experiences are more likely with narcissists and not us. So thank you for the support! ❤

@saltandlight93

11 ай бұрын

Right? As someone more avoidant that has been abused by an anxious presenting narcissist i don't like that. I don't even know when the need for attention from an anxious person is really about connection or manipulation now.

@saltandlight93

11 ай бұрын

​@@silverscreamqueentrust me there are similarities even with the anxious types. Narcissists morph into whoever they want for supply. I knew one who was anxious presenting the whole relationship but all that was manipulation. He needed attention affection etc but when I would ask for some too he'd gaslight and play the victim.

@saltandlight93

11 ай бұрын

@@kate-pure I was. He was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar 1 after I left him. It was a lot. Yes both could see each other that way because of triggers and negativity bias

@Alixir1228

10 ай бұрын

Thr behavior is still the same, and is abusive, regardless of the reason.

I don't care if you hurt me consciously or not or if your parents abandoned you emotionally. My parents gave me a hell of a childhood (physical and emotional apocalypse), but I worked on myself and I don't use that as an excuse to hurt others. I find empathy, compassion, selflessness, connection beautiful.

@OneManCollaboration

3 ай бұрын

This. Anything else is just an excuse for neglect and abuse. Nobody deserves that. Nobody

They want YOU to be there for THEM. If they aren't aware of their avoidant problem AND working it, on your way out the door tell them to do so and only THEN to get back in touch with you.

@cateatfood6634

Жыл бұрын

Right? If you can see there's huge issues (REGARDLESS of where or how they arose), you're an adult now. Fix it. Everyone has problems (for the most part) and has had a bad childhood ffs.

@RaisingZane

Жыл бұрын

As a DA, I don’t understand how to co-regulate my emotions. Only recently I found out about attachment styles. I thought all people should self sooth and take care of their own problems. Only come together when you aren’t going to completely DRAIN my emotional energy. I have very little ability to feel or identify my own emotions. But I FEEL an emotional Vampire. I Run! I actually carry other people’s emotions and I see this as love. But I can’t take Too Much. I am ALWAYS avoiding people who need my help to “feel better”. I’d rather help them Move! Im very loving with acts of service. So if your DA is always distant, look at yourself. Maybe you are draining the life right out of them. 😢 Try pretending you’re happy and stable. Your DA can spend quality time with you easier. Of course I’m new to all this so it’s just my 2 cents. I don’t rely on anyone. I certainly don’t expect you to consider my opinion. 😂This comment was more for my own mental process.

@cateatfood6634

Жыл бұрын

@RaisingZane Yeah, no, I was truly happy and stable, a complete change with my DA, for months, maybe 9 months, and that didn't help him to be anything more. Still neglected the family, still ignored me, still cheating. 2 months into oir marriage he started, and I found out 2 months after he started. Nothing can change a DA except for thr DA itself. Even a rock bottom and then up family won't change him, he's stubborn and thinks he did nothing wrong.

@RaisingZane

Жыл бұрын

@@cateatfood6634 I am so sorry. He isn’t a good husband for you. I’d guess he is stressed and self soothing with s*x. Withdrawing because of feeling trapped in the rules of relationship. Honestly I don’t Feel a bonding with s*x. It’s as bonding as going for coffee with someone. It is difficult to FEEL that it is cheating. I have to Decide to be monogamous because of the social expectations and God’s commandments. I do that because I choose to be a Christian Lady. Your husband really may not understand what cheating does to the emotions of a healthy person. I am curious if he’s jealous of your men friends. I am not jealous of much. I have not figured out if it’s because I don’t see s*x as a bonding experience, or if I don’t feel jealousy just because I don’t feel much of anything very easily. I am working on improving myself and showing love in ways that others receive love. I broke up with my last boyfriend because I wanted to go visit with my ex and his new girlfriend and my boyfriend said I should consider His Feelings. I didn’t. I went. No regrets. But I felt I was a bad girlfriend for him. I make my own decisions. I trust myself more than anyone else. It’s from childhood neglect. It’s my normal. If I have to consider someone else’s feelings even when I’m doing what is right for me, that feels like a Cage. I RUN 🏃‍♀️

@ImAlicjaFrank

Жыл бұрын

Sounds more like a narcissist than an avoidant. Or a combination. But most avoidants are kind people just like everyone else.

I was recently in the beginning of a relationship with an avoidant attachment guy. It was very frustrating for me and I had no idea what was going on until later. We are still friendly, I still feel it was a missed opportunity, but I think we've both moved on. I just wish more people knew themselves better, if I knew how to work with him we might have been great together. Instead I was left feeling rejected and (no surprise) avoided even though he was saying all the right things when we talked. I would love to see more content on how to navigate an avoidant attachment relationship with caring and understanding. So much advice is to just let them run away, which is not great for them, or us, if we are truly interested.

Its always 'yeh but avoidant attachment are always abusive and never listen to me' and not I'm actually constantly anxious and need constant validation from my partner because I haven't healed my anxious attachment style so I want to be the victim in this relationship. Both need therapy, you're not a better or more functional individual person because you're an anxious attachment style. Ive dumped someone like that before because it gets smoothering. Everyone needs to heal before they get into a relationship because everyone is responsible for how they heal from an abusive or neglectful upbringing

I dumped an avoidant yesterday. It’s bittersweet but no more anxiety. Such a relief and what a good choice I made for my own mental health.

@whizkidd2227

3 ай бұрын

Just couldn't help yourself.

Great view

I'm married to a DA. Been married to her for 11 years. All I do is show compassion to a DA lol. Feels like she doesn't notice it half the time, but I do it anyway because I understand it. Before I became secure, I was an FA, so I was doing some of the same things. I come from a place of understanding because of firsthand experience lol. But I can definitely see how somebody who's secure before meeting the Avoidant, can be ready to run for the hills when they realize a person is Avoidant. I don't blame them at all for that decision. It's hard, man.

Jeff! I thing we all understand where you coming from but its a sacrifice !!! we have one life in this earth! You want to find your person and live happy ! how you going to do that with somebody whos Avoidant!

@ZacheriStrobel

11 ай бұрын

Its funny how anxious and avoidants attract isnt it? Kinda like WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE WORK TOGETHER... but yeah stay on the high horse anxious ones. Yall have already analyzed and decided its not you. Its magnetic. Its what this long season is about...working together... or dont... whatever we got infinity to figure it out

Unfortunately, my patience has run up. I've given my full service to these people. I'd rather be single forever than deal with another avoidant man.

@ash8004

2 ай бұрын

It takes 2 to tango. If people think avoidant attachment is so bad then what does it make the people who keep choosing them? Take some accountability for your own actions and choices. Don't blame everything on the other person.

@AshleyAnessa

2 ай бұрын

​@@ash8004 Funny, because I said I gave my service. That was my choice that I made. Me taking responsibilities for my choices. And then I said I was done. So again, me removing myself from the situation. Taking responsibility for my life. Never once did I mention the avoidant being responsible. 🎉

@Ken-od7gc

2 ай бұрын

​@@ash8004 The avoidant doesn't often show up until a period of time down the road.

@Nika-je6zd

Ай бұрын

@@ash8004you do not know this is an avoidant until much later! They do not warn nor show early on.

@loliipop070409

Ай бұрын

Then be single?? You don’t want to hear this, but the reason they pulled away is because you were not safe for them to love, and tbh you comment show it to be true.

Emotions don’t have to be “ high” for avoidants to shut down. Emotions (especially the deep ones) just have to be on the precipice of existence and they are looking for the exit. Look, I feel for them in the way I feel for anyone (which is essentially everyone) who has suffered or hurt in life. But ultimately, what happened doesn’t matter nor justify the pain they cause. The past is done. The future is waiting. So the question becomes: what will be done then in this moment to heal from the trauma in order to be the best version of you?

This is so true. However, intent v. Impact of one's behavior are different things. We should understand our partners' particular wounding and trauma(s) and how that shows up in the relational space, but dismissive avoidant folks still need to work on shifting their maladaptive patterns (and so do their partners) if they want to create an emotionally safe relationship.

They're just shut down all the time; detached from everyone else all the time, not just at "high emotional" points.

❤ @therapyjeff Could you do a follow-up short on this topic - How to Re-engage with your Avoidant Babe After They Are Triggered or Dissociated? Because I think a lot of us need to send this and that future video to all of our loved ones!! ❤

@cateatfood6634

Жыл бұрын

Just leave and stay away.

FACTS! THANK YOU!

No problem. Just stay single, and when you are ready to be IN a relationship, let us know. But only when you are in, not 1 foot in, and the other out.

Its a two way street, bruh

It's not my job to break down someone's walls, no one deserves that. People that beat their wives are that way because of trauma as well, if you hurt me I don't trust you and you're not safe, I don't care why and it's why I am anxious as fuck in relationships.

@m79627

6 ай бұрын

But do you understand that we're both saying the same thing? Someone hurts you, so you distrust them and that nakes you anxious. Someone hurts us (I'm DA), so we distrust them and run away. Someone hurts you by not reciprocating your expressions of love, someone hurts us by telling us our natural responses are toxic and defective. Problem is our natural responses are to do the things that hurt each other.

Tbh, and I don't want to be mean, but have 0 empathy left after being burned and emotionally abused by now 4-5 women with that style. Giving them space never ever worked, it only became excruciating. BUT I'm still willing to learn to understand people with that attitude more. In the first place to guard myself from the energy vampirism when i meet women with his pattern again, but also to understand them - and and who knows, maybe one day meeting like that in a healthy way. So if anyone knows and is coming from a healthy place, im happy to hear about mindsets and tools or smth to handle this.

Silly question, how long is a bit? I am in the middle of giving an avoidant space in early dating and am regulating myself without them, but the duration unknown makes me just want to say I’m out.

@Ken-od7gc

2 ай бұрын

"A bit" is what you decide is acceptable to YOU. If you feel like pulling the eject handles trust that feeling. It's usually right

Sure. I'll show compassion as soon as I feel any! I'll keep you updated Update: year 10, I'm thinking this isn't good.

was hard being avoidant but finding it increasingly easier to not put effort in creating any sort of relationship

We all suck. Emotional sensitivity, emotional disconnect. Fuck all of us, sincerely.

why are avoidant attached ones labeled as dysfunctional and the anxious ones not?

Can something like the struggle of growing your with a chronic illness (example: IBS etc) also be a root cause of this attachment style? Despite having loving family

Thank you Jeff. Coming at us with guns blazing will never bring a positive result. ❤

Sorry, but this is basically saying forgive avoidants for devaluing you time and time again in order for them to not change. Childhood trauma is only an excuse for so long when they are 30+ years old.

very original video! ❤️

It's easy to be compassionate if you're not involved with an avoidant attacher. They cause so much pain and they are not compassionate about the people they hurt.

@Ken-od7gc

2 ай бұрын

Right on point.

Ok…how about when he’s been purposely stonewalling me for almost 4 months? Thats not avoidance. Thats emotional abuse.

I’ve been dating an avoidant for the past few months. He is sweet and an amazing person, but as an Anxious Attachment person, it’s definitely frustrating. We can communicate to each other about the way we feel, and we have both grown a lot since we’ve been together. Does anyone have any advice for keeping things going smooth? I try and respect his need for space, and I always give him the benefit of the doubt when he isn’t responding or is distant. The few times that it has actually bothered me, we are able to talk about our emotions and what triggers them. I really like him and would hate for something that’s not his fault to cause a rupture in our relationship. Also, how do you go about officially asking an avoidant to be your boyfriend?

❤❤❤

Key word: A bit.

Ok....I give space Is there something I can say to communicate I really care while he pulls away

Stonewalling for over a year……and not wanting to work on themselves.

💜

What is the difference between avoidant attachment and a personality disorder? Serious question.

👏 👏 👏

Resonate.

Avoidant behaviour is emotional abuse

@ASIOLE_TEURIV

11 ай бұрын

Yes

@Alixir1228

10 ай бұрын

Yes. Silent treatment is abuse whether it's a narcissist or avoidant.

@RobbieNewell

7 ай бұрын

Bc they were abused are u kidding me 9 times out of 10 if an avoidant opens up to you YOU'RE RUNNIN 🏃‍♀️ like Usein whoever. that's why we are avoidant bc we know and HAVE EXPERIENCED that people don't want to be bothered with us we're too much so we just retreat to ourselves, reclooze to ourselves, become introverts, and vibe with our tribe of people who are like us smh

@ayumisae6864

7 ай бұрын

@@RobbieNewellthank you 👏 well said!

@RYANLEWIS-pd7zs

7 ай бұрын

Yeah anxious people are happy to pile problems on you but they can't reciprocate or the care and resources they drain because they're trash.@@RobbieNewell

THIS THIS THIS

🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

No. Bye.

No