🤐One big key to STOP Enabling is to STOP saying all the wrong things! 🤦‍♀️Watch this video to know what those things are! kzread.info/dash/bejne/ZYx_0Np6ls2ffrg.html

@joanjensen3639

3 жыл бұрын

I love you Amber.

@joanjensen3639

3 жыл бұрын

I listen to ALL your videos and have given your link to the POLICE DEPT and EVERYBODY I know.

Oh, girl, you nailed me! Fear of conflict, fear that loved one will be hurt or die, guilt parenting, empath here! I'm so glad I found your videos. I'll keep watching! You don't know it, but you're my new best friend.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hello my new Bestie! I'm so glad you liked my video:)

@brendacatanach2160

2 жыл бұрын

Ugh. This is my mom also. Breaks my heart. I have an adict brother and my mom will literally stop anything she is doing to get money, ask friends or family for money or pawn something, anything to get money to my brother. She is broke, still working at 75 to support this 50 yr old "child". She won't listen to anyone. This is Daily and it's a new excuse... someone found me that I owe money to, some one will kill me if I don't have money by 5p, etc. Its a daily event. This is been as long as I can remember and I'm 44!!! 😕

@jennaletizia5430

Жыл бұрын

This is me. In this situation right now. Son is facing homelessness again. I am so upset. He has been violent and verbally horrible to me too

@CADreemz

Жыл бұрын

Doncha just love Amber!

@lorriesardinia5302

Жыл бұрын

LOL. Love it...new bff. Me too!!

I don’t even know if you read these now but I have been a mother of an alcohol (mainly) addict for years. I have many times lately thought not being here would be the best thing for me. I stress so much and have done all you say, especially anger. Now he is in a rehab but wants out but has nothing. No license, car, place to live etc. I and his dad will not help him. I am of course having those old fears of he is going to live I will be responsible for bond which I have never been involved with before. I am in a very bad place but I am resolved to not help him unless it is helping him to get to court. I love him more than life but I feel so bad about myself and how I have failed him and me. I am tired still working at 70. But God gives me the strength and love that keeps me alive and sane. Thanks for all you do.

@sunflowerzelda45

29 күн бұрын

so mine is in jail, needs someplace to parole, yikes i know better. but ya know i said yes, parole board is next week, given it to god. help me

I’ve never been moved enough to take the time to comment on a video until now, you were able for the first time in this 10 yr long battle with son addiction make it so clear the difference between empathy and enabling and how I am helping to keep him sick. Thank you

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Wow! Thanks Melissa, that's a huge compliment.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

I'm really sorry to hear that you've had such a long journey with your son though

@billblaydes6061

2 жыл бұрын

Family recovery academy? South Carolina.

I agree with you: I think we as humans need to face the reality of what we are or what we’re doing. It’s all too easy to justify, rationalize or minimize if we are finding different words or phrases that are watered down or sugar coated for what we’re actually dealing with. We’re dealing with addicts. That’s what they are. And I also agree this is enabling too. Love your videos, soooo appreciate you & all your work. You’re a blessing to the world. 💓💯🙏🏽💓

Oh my gosh, I have been an empathetic enabler for 15 years!! I'm so happy I found your channel a few days ago! I'm binge watching to learn as much as possible how to correct this so maybe my 35 yr old son will quit the 1/2 gal of vodka a day, find meaningful employment and be self-sufficient without depending on his mom and dad for money. Thank you for working so hard to learn how to give great advise. I will "think like a counselor" instead of enabling.

This video cleared my issue up 1000% and it never dawned on me the difference in the two. I love the way you broke it down and the examples you used was spot on! Thanks a bunch😃

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the positive feedback. I'm so glad it was helpful 😃

This is exactly what I'm learning about now. I do get angry but, I hold in a lot of my feeling so I don't "trigger" her which is terrible too. I have much to learn and knowing she'll probably never change, is VERY discouraging to me. Alcohol is a drug and should be lumped in with pills or pot or whatever the addiction is. So just say addiction.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I completely agree with what you're saying about alcohol! 💯💯💯

You're helping people beat addiction across the world 💕 tuning in from Australia 🥰 for an empath dealing with an alcoholic this is vital information.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Thank you, my Australian friend! 😁💝💟

I've lived with, been friends with, and dealt with too many addicts. I agree that calling someone an addict or alcoholic has no bearing on them getting treatment. They either know they're addicted and refuse to get help until they're ready, or they won't admit they have.a problem.

I say that my husband is an alcoholic but his family says he drinks because he has a mental disorder. What you said for the third example is spot on for his family! It was like they and him used it as an excuse. I am very empathetic but also an enabler. I detached and we also quit arguing but I continued to pay the bills and he wouldn’t leave (but I also never left) so he always had a safe place to continue his drinking. He never went for help.

My spouse LOVES to talk about how when he cut his drinking in half AND eating better made his liver enzymes “ drop like a safe!” It’s a move in the right direction but still... he drinks 7 to 9 per day, rather than 15 to 20. Still too much. Still an addiction.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You're right, it's still too much but it is a move in the right direction.

Love your mission statement!! Spread recovery faster than addiction ❤️

Everything you say makes perfect sense , sounds like how I’ve acted with my addicted son 😔

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

pinkcottoncandy556 it’s really hard not to!

If we fix the problems of another, we are blocking God's plan for the other and playing God. Realizing that was a big ouch for me and so much of what inspired me to grow. If we enable we stand in front of the mirror and the addict cannot see themselves as they are. Works with addicts, family, and children.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Beautifully said!

@KandyKoatedKrafts

3 жыл бұрын

Wow, never thought about it that way before, thank you!

@ProdavackaDivu

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, the biggest gift is responding truthfully towards someone’s negative behavior, not sugarcoating, enabling, “protecting” them from the mirror aka the consequences

@emebetabduk9508

2 жыл бұрын

I always says that

@nicomartinez9004

2 жыл бұрын

It's almost Christmas and my brother has been missing for 10 days...Heroin...Started on pain pills from a back injury.. He steals from our elderly father and I have been cleaning up the mess...Exhausted...So exhausted...I have made the decision to not clean up the mess anymore but I feel so strange...Like a bad, person and the guilt has been tough...Thankful for this comment (and for the vid)..

I love the comments. The one that said you're an angel with a sword of light was very insightful, IMHO.

Your an Angel with the sword of light.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Well that just put a giant smile on my face!!!! 😁😁😎

You are so good at explaining things. You know exactly what you're talking about. So many valid points. Thank you. X

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Susie Hill geee thanks Susie🤩😻

I also think that some don't get better because they do not put in the work of getting down to the root of the problem of which the substance is only a part. It's the addictive behaviors and thinking that need changing. A person who is abstinent but still involved with the behaviors and thinking is still an addict/alcoholic and they make life with them very hard.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

I agree completely!

@AYe-ly2yo

4 жыл бұрын

OMG this was my relationship!!!

This is great! You explain so perfectly I’m dealing with this now with my son and resentments

Thanks Amber! Very informative, much needed video.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful, Dana!

This channel is going to help a lot. I may need to watch these videos more than once. Thank u!

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Karen! Glad you're here 😁

My goodness you have spoken straight to me

Very well put Amber !!!!! Thanks for laying this out

Thank you Amber for all your videos...you are absolutely amazing..and help me soooo much..and you always make me realise im not going crazy.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

I love your videos, my son has severe OCD and they really help me understand how I am keeping him in the OCD loop. Thank you

My daughter is addicted to marijuana. Her boyfriend is a dealer and he enables her to smoke weed. She is very empathetic and feels sorry for her boyfriend who's had a bad up bringing and see's him as a victim. Empathy and addiction is a toxic combination for this gentle soul and they'll be manipulated to no ends.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You're right about empathy and addiction being problematic!

Preach it Amber!! Great, great video. Agree 100%

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Heather. This is a tough one. I find myself sometimes wanting to fix things for people. It's a hard urge to resist.

Excellent Video Teaching, Amber!!!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Cindy!

Thank you God Sent me to this channel.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you're here, Vicky!

One of my problem in regard to enabling is I have never been good at confrontation. So instead, I get depressed and angry. I know to not do anything, is just enabling bad behavior and the situation to continue; that things will change once I begin to make changes. It's so hard doing it alone.

Empathy & NOT enabling, good advice. Thank you Amber.

Thankyou so much for your generous and thoughtful knowledge ❤️

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

My pleasure, Jeanne! Thank you for your kindness and support 😊🥰

These videos are brilliant and dead on. You really helped me out of a huge crisis thank you.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Arthur! I'm so happy to hear that these videos helped you 😊

@arthurian9085

Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown You can't even imagine. I listen to them before going to sleep and it calms me down. Whenever you want to talk about addicts, manipulation and gaslighting, I have a case study for pretty much every trick you are describing.

@arthurian9085

Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Is there a way to schedule a brief consultation with someone?

Thanks for the video! I shared this with my mom to watch.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing!

This is really so very true!

I’ve binge watched all of your videos over 24 hours. I left my husband of 9 years with a child. He has substance abuse with cocaine, weed & cigarettes. Of course only the cocaine caused problems. He got clean, went to weekly therapy but it wasn’t enough, 8 weeks later he relapsed. He also had problems with it many times over the years. But recently this occasion he pretended to have a illness that didn’t even exist to cover the drug taking. I took him back after this but said if he relapsed contact with me and our son totally stops. I know that’s harsh. Relapse is part of recovery but he is also a dealer. He has so much to change and right now it feels best me and my son aren’t in his life. Contact can resume after residential rehab IF he goes.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Paige, thanks for watching. You're in a tough situation, I hope these videos are helping you 😊

Thank you for this!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

My pleasure!

Wonderful video! Amen!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tayler!

omg , you v helped me understand so much Amber , thank you

I'm not enabling but someone I love is. My therapist says there is nothing I can do but watch this all unfold. There's too much wrong with the family dynamic that nothing I do can solve it.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

That is a tough situation for sure! Here's a video I made about that very topic: kzread.info/dash/bejne/n451uc2onbqsgtY.html

My daughter told me today NOT to use the word "addiction" anymore. She insisted that the correct words to reference it are "substance abuse." She is not the person in the family that this pertains to but she was very insulted by my using the word and emphatic that she would not converse with me anymore if I continue to use the wrong verbiage. It is important that as family, we all communicate and be on the same page, so her ultimatum on the use of my verbiage is just another un-needed stressor now. Ironically today, I was watching a different video of yours and when it was done, it rolled into this one and I just decided to listen to this one as well. LOL..God works in strange ways.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

That’s definitely a sticking point for some people. I’ve decided where I stand on the issue but it’s not worth power struggling over. It’s silly when semantics cause that much issue!

@marygrant4147

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Exactly

@ritatharp5238

4 ай бұрын

God most certainly does work in strange ways. 🙏

This was VERY helpful. Thank you!!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

@lorriesardinia5302

Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown ♥♥♥

Empathy is my curse.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

It can definitely be a curse at times!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You GOT ME!

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!!

Thank you Amber

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

My pleasure, Kelly!

Directness can be healing. Let’s recognize reality in order to get better.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

100%

Thank you 🕊🙏

@PutTheShovelDown

10 ай бұрын

Any time!

Thank you!!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome! Happy to help 😊

I'm really glad I have found your videos. My girlfriend is alcoholic and addicted to weed. She is also diagnosed with bipolar 2. And she uses the manipulation technique of saying she needs to drink to calm her mind down due to bipolar. She also has a gluten allergy and uses that as her reasoning to smoke weed. So for me I give in to her drinking and smoking weed because of those because I empathize with what she is going through. But through my research that's drinking is like rocket fuel for a bipolar person and they're mood swings. She does go through phases where she will not drink after a big crash but then gets back up on it when the weekend comes. It's a really hard situation. But thank you again with these videos.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

You're exactly right about it being rocket fuel! 💯💯💯💯

@LordGima

2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown thanks for the reply. I would like to know if you have any more videos on bipolar and alcohol I found one just wondering if you had more

I have watched a couple enable their sin for the past 15years. I tried to intervene, tried to get help, tried to talk to them, tried to talk to their son. Nothing helped, the vicious cycle just kept going. Eventually I walked away.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

That must have been very painful and heartbreaking, Joanita 💔

Hi Amber. Your channel and videos, including this one are stellar. Thank you. Could you share the contact info for your center? I can’t seem to find it in the comments

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Rob, thanks. I’m glad these videos are helpful. Our website is familyrecoveryacademy.online or you can call our office at 864-906-2395

I don't agree with being the bad guy being an enabling thing, My son made me the bad guy no matter what I did. NO MATTER WHAT I DID, I was the bad guy. THEY need to take responsibility and stop BLAMING ME.

@Maria43280

2 жыл бұрын

You are right they suck the life out of you, I’ve told my bfs mum to stop lending him money and I’m gonna do the same then he will be cornered n stressed then he will have to change 😊

I wish I agreed that the stigma isn't an issue anymore. I have a family member that's struggling, and it's those words that os totally cringe-worthy and they continue to try to be a 'normal drinker'. I think it's more important that therapists stop saying 'oh, x amount isn't so bad.' Comparing the disease to another life-threatening issue (diabetes, peanut allergy, etc.) could be helpful to help them shift their perspective, and it might make it easier to accept it that the addiction is life-threatening.

Ahhhh...minimizing. That's my daughter. 34 yr old! UGH...

Your gold x

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

😁😁

Thank you

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

Trying to gain the courage to send this to my nana. She’s been supporting my aunt like this since she was 18(my aunt is 53 now) and as long as I’ve been alive my aunt has treated everyone in the family horribly, but my nana always believes her lies and enables her. I’ve tried to talk some sense into my nana but she literally won’t listen and even when provided with proof, she makes excuses for my aunt. Any ideas on how to get my nana to listen and open her eyes?

So for my safety, I’ve finally talked my spouse into agreeing not to drive and letting me drive home from being out to eat. I often felt unsafe when he would drive home. He would argue that he was not on the wrong side of the road!!! 😳 Now that he knows that I’ll drive home, he intentionally drinks more! I assume I have now enabled him even more? Do I refuse to go out? I don’t know what to do in this situation.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

When it comes to making a decision about what's safe versus what's therapeutic, you should always go with what's safe. So, I think you made the right decision.

@ritatharp5238

4 ай бұрын

I agree 💯 safety FIRST.

Hello there🙂 Put down the shovel. Your Integrity and Commitment are to be admired. I think you couldn't agree more about using the trem "addict" and "Alcoholic "... You have put it exactly how it IS... I think a lot of damage can be done by, "Watered down language! Keep up the wonderful work. You have much goodness to do. Thank you.xxx

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hello Marianne, It's so kind of you to take your time and leave such nice feedback! It keeps me motivated and committed to making these videos:)

@marianneellman480

3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Keep up your excellent work. You are making a difference. ⚘🌷🌼🌻🌺🌹🏵

I've found I CAN be a moderate drinker now after 10 years of heavy drinking After hypnosis !!

as soon as you began i had tears...this is my addiction, being an enabler...jeez it all happens so automatically...and i become deeply damaged inside, every time...so i looked into co-dependant addiction and discovered my low self worth has a lot to do with my will/choices...its all complicated at first fewf...my question is: im so deeply sad/weak in that moment where what they want is for me to only focus on them and what they want/demand...and in that moment they don't want me to be apart of the equation and so i don't include empathy for myself because if i did my will/choice would not be what they want from me...i wouldn't enable, id able instead...am i logical in this understanding? also, in my sad/weak moment of experiencing unlovingness when i desperately want to be loved, i become unloving in return almost automatically...what can i do before this situation happens to prepare myself for this moment? so i can be loving in all unloving situations...um, i desperately want to be loved...this is my personal problem. And in addictive sitations fewf im emotional baggaged too...how can i be loving when im not feeling love? thank you, your a mighty heart

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Calling it an addiction is good insight and might give you some clues about what might be helpful. When working with addicts in early recovery, I'd advise avoiding all high risk situations whenever possible. Instead of trying to be tough and make a good decision in a high risk situation, it's way better to avoid those situations. Eventually people are stronger and not as vulnerable but at first, they need to get some distance from the situation. The other thing that might be helpful is trying to avoid doing or giving when you really don't want to. That's what usually leads people to resentment and makes it hard to be loving. Hope that helps, Amber

I do have a question about this. When my addicted ex and I get into a fight, I'm always the one reaching out after to talk about it, even when it is obviously his fault. Before his relapse, he was able to admit to his part after I confront it. After relapse, it becomes all my fault. I start to think maybe I am enabling him by reaching out and trying to fix the relationship. Now the natural consequences when you are mean to someone, is that the person would stop talking to you or reach out, until you say sorry and make amends. So does that mean the only option is to walk away when these incidents happen, until they reach out? But isn't that also against the whole idea of using the relationship connection to help them go towards quitting? I guess I am asking, what to do when the natural consequence of their behavior is the relationship itself?

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

A. Ye great question! Your right, the natural consequence of being mean to someone is that they don’t want to be around you. If you’re always the one to reach out after he’s been mean, then you very likely are enabling, and validating that’s it’s okay to treat you that way. The idea of nurturing the relationship is important but should not go to the point you’re allowing anyone to be abusive to you. This is a silly metaphor even but maybe it will help. Let’s say you’re dealing with a 4 year old kid, Who decides to play outside without shoes (Even though you suggested they put on shoes before they went outside), and they stub their toe. In this incidence, you might say something like , oh my goodness you poor thing. I’m so sorry you hurt your toe. The stubbed toe will be the consequence, you don’t need to say...”I told you so”. However, if that 4 year old becomes really ugly and nasty toward you in the process, you should back away and say something like... sometimes when we get hurt we just need a few minutes, I’m going to let you have some time. I’ll just be in the other room. In both situations you’re treating the kid with kindness and respect, but you don’t have to allow them to treat you badly. Here’s what won’t work....saying...”it’s not my fault you stubbed your toe. I told you to put on shoes. You never listen. I’m tired of you treating me like crap, hold on while I get you a bandaid”.

@AYe-ly2yo

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much!!! This is my weak spot and your video and explanation is really helpful!

Hi Amber are your services covered by extended Canadian Insurance plans ? Just wondering.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 ай бұрын

Hi MaryEllen, We don't file any types of insurance in our office. What we do is considered coaching (not counseling), so insurance doesn't cover it.

Please more info that to concult

Being empathetic makes it so hard to say no! Ugh I need out!

So... this video is gold! I'm about halfway through my 3rd year teaching in a mostly lower socioeconomic, urban high school and this clarity around the thin line between empathy and enabling is just what i've been looking for. 🎉 Many of my students are disengaged from their school work, and as a teacher, I feel like I have slipped into over empathizing and enabling poor choices in the name of decreasing stress and 'confidence' building 😬 Setting boundaries that support safety, stability and growth without limiting or impeding creativity and authentic expression is both very challenging and rewarding 😣 Are there any school practices or policies that you've seen that are especially enabling or (on the flip side) especially effective at increasing family health? Thank you so for all the wisdom and knowledge that you are sharing with us 🤗

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Schools are so scared that parents will blame the school if their kid fails, so they over-communicate (and give too many chances). Parents tend to blame the school and schools blame the parents, but no-one allows the natural consequences for the kid. For example, I've literally had to tell parents they weren't allowed to check the parent portal for grades anymore. When parents know every little thing that happens they try to control all of it. This causes a ton of fighting between parents and kids. This sends an overall message to kids that they aren't competent enough to handle their business and also that they aren't to blame for their failures. If Johnny doesn't do his English homework, that's on Johnny (not the teacher and not the parents). P.S. Before I was a counselor, I taught high school (that was super hard work!).

@dorariggs3473

3 жыл бұрын

@Put The Shovel Down thanks for such a quick and thoughtful response! I agree that too much parental involvement is detrimental. The daily access to grades has really compounded and exposed the unhealthy relationship that can exist between grades, self-worth, and identity. When a student's sense of belonging amongst their peers or in their own family is dependent on them being an 'A' student, all kinds of dysfunctional and unhealthy coping strategies emerge. 💔 Stress caused by unrealistic expectations of high achievement was chronic in my last school, but this current district that I'm serving in seems to have the opposite issue. Instead of being over involved, many parents seem to be fully detached or don't view education as a high priority. We're having more conversations in education around trauma informed and restorative practices to model emotional regulation and decrease expulsion rates to keep students in class which I think is great and have learned a lot from! But our drop out / failure rates are still very high, and this year in particular more and more of our students are disengaging and falling behind. It's like this heavy coat of apathy (generational trauma maybe?) that we just can't seem to hack. 😣 Honestly, i could probably pick your brain all day! 😇 student engagement has been an especially challenging responsibility, discernment topic both in public ed and in my own head 🙃 All that said, I guess my follow up question would be, What natural consequences best foster student ownership and agency? Is there maybe a connection in all this to the theory of the school to prison pipeline? Because I definitely don't want to enable that if at all possible! (Deep thoughts on a school night 😉) thanks again! Dora

@ritatharp5238

4 ай бұрын

My son was doing terrible in school but when I stopped making excuses & feeling bad for HIS grades and I told my 6'5" son they were HIS grades not mine. It was like a light switch was flipped. All the d's & f's went up to c's & B's, 😮 I am blessed. He's a great son! ❤

I'm going thru this. My mom came to live with me bc my brother does not follow her rules. He comes over here and breaks my rules and she gets mad at me for being so harsh in him.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

😮😮😮

Love

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Stephanie!

Guilt

Can you make a video on enabling people when they are sober. That is the hardest thing to me. Bc u feel like u wanna help them bc they are sober but when do u stop? Like you help them get their life back together for the 10th time, at what point should you be like ok now that ur sober time to clean up ur own mess.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You can help someone as long as they are helping themselves. If they take a step, you can take a step. If they take two steps, you can take two steps. As long as they are working as hard as your working then it's called helping. If you're working harder than them, it's called enabling. Hope that helps.

I am fully aware of my problem but it's the stigma what stops me. I went to a psychiatrist and he refused to treat me so what do you want more as evidence?

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Wow! Why did he refuse to treat you?

I did it because there were 3 children involved

When there are more sober houses and mental heath inpatient will keep people from dying.. when you enable WHILR SEARCHING FOR THEM FOR HELP WHILE GAINING THEIR TRUST TO GET HELP.. I am a nurse who could tell when the window was open for that help.. we need more places for them America society keeps them sick.. I have not turned into that person you said m Not a saint Just very patient

My daughter won't refer to herself as an addict. I tried to normalize it. She sees herself as special, and different than addicts. I told her she is in denial. Was I wrong?

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Great question, Angela. It rarely does any good to tell someone they’re in denial.

What if my loved one would go to a worse drug than the one I enable him to get instead ? (harm reduction)

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Ziad, Try this video. It' might be helpful in your situation: kzread.info/dash/bejne/lat-u9Cdl9armto.html

Put the shovel down , how can you get them to see they have a drug problem if they keep saying they don’t have a problem and keep blaming family for their problems? Or do they have to hit rock bottom to ask for help? Very confusing

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Check out my video playlist for parents. I think you’ll find some answers there. I’ll link it for you.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Playlist for parents: kzread.info/head/PLaaJWwIpP_zahslRh4fnQYQz0iD4vK2Sg

Ok this is great - but- I’ve used this approach twice, now she knows to lie to me more and also send me messages mocking recovery, AA, how lame sobriety is. How do we not get nasty? She spend the whole morning yesterday sending nasty text messages to those closest to her. I hope her son is w his dad or grandma.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Goodness, that sounds like she's definitely trying to pick a fight!

Call it SUDs. (Substance use disorders).

I have been introduced to the idea of people-first language. That is to say, don't identify the people with their disability. In the language of enabling, identifying people with their condition often enables them to stay dependent, rather than learn to cope. So, for instance, we would not call someone a "cripple" but would say that this is a person with a mobility disability. If the person does not identify him or herself with the disability, it is easier to see past the limits of the disability and grow, but if you are just a "cripple,"--end of story--there is no hope to grow past it. What you seem to be suggesting is that there are some cases where people-first language would, in not identifying the person with the condition, enable the person to stay limited by the disability. You seem to be suggesting that, for some conditions, such as alcoholism, the point of people-first language is defeated by using it. That is very interesting. Something to think about. Thanks for a different perspective!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I know it sounds strange, but yes, in some ways I am suggesting that. With almost all other problems I would agree with the "person first" concept. However, part of being able to beat an addiction involves acknowledging that you have an addiction. It's completely fine to say "Person with alcoholism or person with addiction" , but I think using the words alcoholism/alcoholic and addiction/addict are someone necessary. Here's why... Most all people would agree that if a person is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have to give it up (if they want to get better). Many people will try and soften the language as a way of avoiding having to accept that they need to give it up. They'll refer to it as "problem drinking" or "Substance Abuse" or "doing __________ too much". These statements are inherently true, however after years of working with clients how have addictions....I find that when people are using this softer language, it's away of trying to deny that they need to let go of the substance completely. They want to be able to just cut back instead of give it up (which won't work if someone is really addicted). All that being said, I'm perfectly fine with allowing people to call it what ever they want as they work through the stage of figuring it out.

@ritatharp5238

4 ай бұрын

WOW! "PEOPLE FIRST LANGUAGE"!?!?!?! 😮 My mother taught me, if I can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all.

Love the "Empathy/Enabling" separation...however, I don't think not calling someone an "addict or alcoholic" is watering it down. That, in my opinion is not "who they are".....it is something they struggle with. Like when you said, "enabling is a behavior", so is drug use. Using drugs is a behavior. Just like if someone has a lot of gas, we don't go around saying or introducing them as "a burper" or someone that struggles with anxiety/depression, but we don't say or introduce them as a depressed person? If your child has super bad behavior, you don't call them a "bad child"-or you shouldn't, but their behavior is bad, doesn't mean that is who they are. LOVE, love the rest!! JMHO

The problem with one person I know isn’t drugs and alcohol, but video games and laziness and using diabetes as an excuse to not work.

Fear

Do you have experience of meth user using Omega 3 to aid recovery?

Empathetic people can see the addict's problem. Empathetic people also know what love looks like, and it looks like enabling is wrong. Enablers are serving themselves not the abuser. True empathy doesn't do that. Been there, Done that. Had it done to me. Enabling is NOT loving. Loving is reminding and guiding the abuser into their destiny.

Hi Amber, I think Enabling can be very difficult subject, and to really face and change your attitude towards your loved one. Easier in some ways to retain the status quo. But you can really be helping to permanently damage your loved ones health on so many levels. ALCOHOLICS REBRANDED WILL'S WISDOM To to be an Alcoholic, or not to be an Alcoholic . That is the question A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. The reference is used to state that the names of things do not affect what they really are. In the UK, or should l say "Merry England". We have a drink problem of almost epidemic proportions. Over sixty per cent of National Health Service admissions and health problems are drink related. This is in a country where you are considered to be puritanical, miserable and unsocial if you don't drink, or even drink moderately. Yes, being an Alcoholic stills does carry a stigma, especially for older generations but you can't make it easier or better by renaming this terrible disease Get real people.

Sometimes I would give my boyfriend money for alcohol because he would threaten to either steal it or drink cologne

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

That sounds like emotional blackmail!

👍🏻

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Westonrules!

Tell it what it is... health behavior...

Just occurred to me that church Bible studies should really be run like AA meetings! "Hi. My name is Dora, and I'm an imperfect sinner" 🤣&🤔 We all need a reality check sometimes to keep us humble and grounded. No one is perfect ❤ We all need reminded that while our behaviors don't define who we are, they are our own responsibility to choose and own.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

That would be awesome!

@Alphacentauri819

2 жыл бұрын

I maybe would’ve continued in the last Bible study, if it had been like that. One lady made a prayer request, that was really a criticism and condemnation of someone else (how her brother’s wife wasn’t acting like a good Christian wife because she wasn’t cooking enough etc)….I was horrified. It completely lacked empathy and awareness, compassion or curiosity…and was a myopic focus of how things “should be”. As a single mom, who hadn’t been married and sometimes really struggled to manage my job and child with issues, I felt so unsafe to be real. I felt if that “prayer request” was a concern….wow, my whole life could be one big “prayer request” vs focusing on support and compassion, and saving “prayer requests” for legit, big concerns. I like Jesus, but haven’t been to a Bible study or church in years. I feel more lonely around Christians than by myself. I tend to be drawn to Buddhism due to the compassion. Buddhists I’ve met, seem to be more compassionate in their daily lives, more concerned with bettering themselves than condemning others.

Once let's go brandon is up in this light you've neglected your duties as NIH because spirit exists.

👏👏👏👍👍👍🙏🙏🙏

I disagree. I just feel like it makes them feel less valuable. My opinion is I can call myself a bitch, but if someone else does, it's hurtful & makes me feel like they dont respect me as a person. A person is not a descriptive word. Just like I'm not only a nurse I am a person, a mother, a daughter, a wife. I feel like when ppl call others addicts or alcoholics they look down on them as a person. And look at them as less than, less than who they are or who they can be. .. just my opinion. I do love & appreciate your videos though.💕 Question? What do you call them once they're in recovery? Because you're saying calling them that helps them get better but why would anyone want to continue being called an addict or alcoholic?? I used to be a smoker. I dont call myself or consider myself a "smoker" anymore. Just trying to understand. Thanx 🙂

yes that's me. he is in jail sent money.. he needs someplace to live I swore i would never let him come home. He will need a car.. hm how many have i given him. swore last truck was the last. ha hahaa

Making it sound pretty doesn’t help..

I enable for sure.

Step ONE: Admitting we are powerless. Codepency…ACA…until I did my inventories, these “exciting” people were my addiction. When an addict/narcissist knows you’ll play in their web-trying to fix them with your empathy-stay tuned to find out what happens next! Clue: say NO to them. Make some popcorn and enjoy their show. PS) if addict/alcoholics are triggered by the stigma of being called an addict/ alcoholic, they might be an addict/alcoholic. 😂🎉🎉

Fear

Guilt

Fear

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Gail!