Hello and thanks for watching! What info would you like to see in a video? Comment and let us know! If you enjoyed this video, please subscribe to our KZread channel, then share the video and our channel with a senior loved one or anyone who wants to age in place safely. Subscribe link -> kzread.info/dron/MovKdCRPMRD85Bl-kuTKVA.html

@Medietos

3 жыл бұрын

Interviewing someone spiritually aware and developed. Without that, there will be holes in the stories and explanations - as well as in the healing.Addressing how the individual's personality,karmic possibilities, bio-chemistry, personality type(HSPs more easily and severly sterssed with nervousness and tensions as an effect, giving life-long consequences, being badly ttreatedsince that is not pleasant for others , not so attractive, and they may be unhealed = unaware = dangerous in ignorance of their shadow.Doing shadow-work , - real, not the fake variant.

@qdee6250

7 ай бұрын

Powerful suggestions here 👌🏼

If there are laws made to protect elderly from abuse then there should also be laws to protect caregivers from abuse by elderly

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Well, I suppose domestic violence laws may be used for that? I'm not sure but it certainly makes sense that any form of violence against another person, be it physical or psychological should have a law to protect the victim. But, we all do have to remember that some elderly abuse towards their caregivers is not intentional and could easily be caused by cognitive decline and / or neurological damage. If a parent was being abused by their 25 year old son with intellectual disabilities - should the son be punished? Because of neurological damage due to Alzheimer's or Dementia or other illness - some elderly parents could be thought of as intellectually disabled. Then again - we do recognize that there are elderly parents who are simply continuing a pattern that they have been doing - be it physical and/or psychological abuse. It's a difficult situation no matter what the reason and it's extremely important that any caregiver in this situation seek help.

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

Senior Safety Advice my grandmother who lives in my parents house dose not have dementia or alzhemiers she has abused me in so many ways that have left me traumatised . The abuse she has done counts in many types .At first I told my mom that she must be doing it cause she have dementia but my mom and her other relatives said that she has been like this from before that’s why everyone used to ignore her . She has taken many favours from me made me do many of her work though she can do it by herself and in return has given abuses. She has done this in the past with other people for sadistic pleasure also and she dose not deserve elderly laws I am a teen and she is purposely disturbing me and harrasing me whenever she has the time since I was 9 years old . She purposely pretends to fall and when we try to ask what happend then she says she gets money and food by doing this scene . Don’t u think we won’t feel offended when someone who takes our blood sweat and tears in getting their extra food says it. She has done way more I am not even 15 and it has traumatised me very much

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

These kind of people deserve jail who have no future and destroying our family’s listen elderly were also adults at a time and not all elderly are good because not all adults are good we are technically forced to live with our abuser at home and society supports it I also feel sucidial sometimes yes elderly can also abuse us in our homes in which we are forced to keep them not all of them are bad but I also know many people who are abused by elders though the elders mental state was good

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

Any law made should also have strict laws so that it can’t be manipulated by bad people like my grandmother

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

Tell me don’t I deserve justice too any form of law can be manipulated by bad people if not in the eyes of law then in the eyes of god everyone is equal she knows what she is doing what trauma it gives to me and still purposely does it for sadistic pleasure . Everyone has a life everyone has rights no law can say who is abuser and who is not abuse is abuse .

My dad refuses to apologize or take responsibility for his past and current verbal abuse. It’s nauseating...

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

4 жыл бұрын

I am sorry you are having to deal with that - I went through that with my mother. I finally just came to realize that she simply was not able to apologize or accept her past actions. There was nothing that I could do to change her except to just forgive her and move on. But that's me. Everyone is different. I would recommend that you speak to a counselor about that. Amy Bear, the counselor I interviewed in this video specializes in emotional abuse - contact her and hopefully she will be able to help you.www.heartwisecounseling.com/contact

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

I hear you. It is very difficult to forgive because of course you can't forget. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.

@patriciavanwinkle3693

3 жыл бұрын

What you need to realize that your elderly parent needs care. Some parents are not able to apologize for any actions. That is OK - let them be them. Walk away from negativity. Come back later & offer something positive like dinner, a snack, going for a ride (do not bring up the abuse) . If they still are abusive - walk away again - come back later with something positive. My mother tore up my room 6 times - Finally, looked at my room & said - I really don't care about this stuff - you can have it all - take it up to your room & throw it around there. Then I smiled at her - She never tore my room up again. Be creative - act with love - you are the one caring for your parent who can't take care of themselves.

@lorimiller4301

10 ай бұрын

That's fine if the person was a normal parent. I'm not doing anything nice for this evil son of a .... He should have been in jail. This is sooo unfair.

Abusive people never change, in fact they get worse and better and manipulation as they get older. Sadly this is how most of family is. Its always ME ME ME ME and NEVER ever there fault. I regret moving in to take care of my elderly aunt. She is abusive, rude, ungrateful and just a down right pos. I also think she is jealous of me because she keeps saying your young. I am not even that young,I am in my 40's but she keeps bringing it up because she is jealous she is in her 70's with multiple health problems. Is that my fault? So we should both live in misery together? She had her damn life to live already which was a good one,I want to live mine dammit. She didnt even give a damn about me growing up now im suppose give up my entire well being for her. Im gonna cut her off. Im at the point where im going to another country to teach english just to get the hell away from her and my crazy ass family.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

I am so sorry you are dealing with this issue and believe me, I've been there so I understand! I do agree that most people who have been abusive throughout their life will continue to do so. I call it the "moreso disease". However someone is when they are younger, they are moreso when they are older. It's possible that counseling may be able to help you. Nothing can help your aunt and she can't (or won't) change but you can certainly get some help in learning how to deal with all the craziness in your life. Take care.

@michaelmendillo7513

Жыл бұрын

I feel you sweetheart, if you can do so, I say waste no time ! And let that ungrateful BITCH know how you feel before leaving ! Best of Luck ! 😇🙏💕💕💕

@lorimiller4301

10 ай бұрын

Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm!

I have been emotional abused by my now elderly father. Whom I take care of. He’s literally ran off all family except myself and my one sister. He’s a narcissist. So no changing. But helpful tools and topics in this video. As stated in the video, my father was indeed abused by his own father. 😢

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

Oh I am sorry for you and your sister and he is extremely lucky to have you both. I know exactly how you must feel. Both my parents were difficult, to say the least, but in the end after it was all over I felt good about myself for having done what was the right thing to do. Even though they could not. Hugs and prayers for you and your sister.

What you said about siblings all having a different experience of growing up even though they lived through the same experiences is spot on. We all have unique perspectives on the same events.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, that has certainly been my experience. And as an Occupational Therapist working with geriatrics I saw that often in the family dynamics. I do think that once we acknowledge that, it's much easier to accept the perspective that our siblings may have on a situation.

@maralfniqle5092

8 ай бұрын

And only one takes the weight and brunt of the abuse

@Yllohyllod

8 ай бұрын

@@SeniorSafetyAdvice I'm fifth in seven children, and one of my younger sisters, and one older brother definitely were treated much more harshly by our mom. I don't know why. As adults, our mom is still unkind to my sister who is now 55.

Put em in a nursery home Why, if parents were abusive , and still are,do you owe them anything?

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

7 ай бұрын

I worked in nursing homes for many, many years and in my experience I would say that the majority of patients in those nursing homes were difficult parents or ones who never quite got over whatever trauma they themselves experienced. Thus, their children quickly put them in these types of facilities. Everyone has their own journey to live through. For some, walking away from their older parents is the only solution, for others, they need to work on resolving the issues. Who are we to judge?

My mother's mental acuity is better than mine. The reason?... the abused I suffered from her all my life, which got worst after my divorce at 56. I am moving away, very far away. I'm sorry. I can see that I won't be able to withstand the abuse, like I did when I was younger.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

I am sorry you have had to live through that. I wish only good things for you from now on.

@reginapolo3357

3 жыл бұрын

@@SeniorSafetyAdvice thank you, for your advise and insights. It is very hard to walk away, but it is scarry to "know" that you will break down.

@cindy7733

3 жыл бұрын

God bless you! And good for you!!!! I'm with you!!! I think a lot of this "advice" is well-intended but not realistic at all.

@reginapolo3357

3 жыл бұрын

@@cindy7733 thanks.

@stealthwarrior5768

7 ай бұрын

No need to apologise

I would love to share my story but its to long, I am 61 yrs old and still am dealing with a father who is now 86 ! So it goes to show you, they will never change. In his sick demented mind, I am a 16yr old punk, lazy, a failure, dirty, you name it. This is despite I am a retired union carpenter who worked hard my whole life , paid for my own schooling, bought a house, did two yrs in the Navy and seen the world, paid for my own wedding. In short, my parents never gave me anything, nothing to help get a decent start in life, I did it all on my own. But because I got divorced years ago in his eyes I am a failure and the kicker is, this man has to be the stupidest most clueless, rude person I know ! He has an 8th grade education and worked low paying menial jobs his whole life ! It's really sickening. So I understand everyone here, and my heart and love goes out to you all. I say run people, as soon as you can, remove yourself from the entire toxic scene ! There is a good life waiting for you ! 😇🙏💕✝️💪🏽

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

Hello Michael, I am so sorry that you had to grow up with such a difficult and angry parent. Hopefully it was just one and not both. I totally understand where you are coming from and agree with you. There are times you just have to walk away for you very own health, physical and mental. It's very rare that people change, honestly I don't think they do. One thought that may help you, it helped me, is to realize that your parent(s) are angry and resentful of the life that they perceive they were stuck with. Of course, this is their problem, not yours. But for me, realizing that my parents felt trapped in their lives just made me feel more empathy towards them. Of course, who knows what THEIR parents did to them? But you can't change the situation, only they can. So yes, for your own mental and physical health, it's important to walk away. The fact that you survived and accomplished all you did, you have to know that you are certainly not a failure so do not let your father's voice overtake your own.

Thankyou for this, I’m really struggling with caring for my elderly aunt who is in a nursing home, she can be quite emotionally abusive when she wants to be, I will definitely seek out more support

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comment. Glad that you are seeking help with this difficult situation and sorry that you are having to deal with it.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Being told to survive in place when that place is hell. Scariest thing that's ever happened.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

Oh, you are welcome! I know it's very difficult to deal with (and care for) elderly parents or relatives who are just plain angry or something. I've been there so I'm happy that this information helped in any way!

Wow, this was right on the nose. I felt like you are talking directly to me and my circumstance.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

4 жыл бұрын

First, I am sorry that you are in that situation - I know it's hard - I have first hand experience with that! I hope that you found some useful information from our video and of course - reach out to Amy Lewis Bear for any counseling - she's extremely knowledgeable all issues dealing with emotional abuse.

My mom is unrelenting and repeats the same harsh, negative and demeaning things, over and over and over again. I am patient with her words for the most part but one visit out of 30 she find my trigger point. I’ve asked mom many times to not share slanderous or disparaging things about other family members and simply making that request, she has ramped up her rhetoric. My mother has become the most negative, unsatisfied, unapproachable, most difficult and unhappy person I know. I’m at wits end and I don’t know what to do to care for her and my father…

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

I am so sorry that you are in this position, and it's a very difficult one. It may be truly helpful to get some help from a counselor for your specific situation. I am sure (although I'm not a counselor) that he/she will advise you to limit your interactions with your parents as much as possible. You can't abandon them or ignore them, but you also don't have to be their everything either. Again, I am so sorry. My mother did the same thing. I have 3 other siblings and my mother would pit us against each other often. It got to the point where we would report to each other what she said. This allowed all of us to be on the same page, knowing that she was disrespectful and just outright mean. In my personal situation, I believe my mother was scared of all the control she was losing (she was very controlling) and that can be difficult. I used to say that my mother didn't mean to be mean, she just didn't know how to be nice. Get some help from a counselor, it's the best way to approach this very difficult situation.

@petebutler5139

2 жыл бұрын

@@SeniorSafetyAdvice Thank you for sharing. Professional help is exactly what I need!

@angelamckenzie1020

2 ай бұрын

You just described my mother. Although I love her very much and care about her, her words are harsh and cruel and she has no remorse at all. I have learned watching videos like this one, I was actually the scapegoat in the family. I've never heard of that before, but when someone explained it to me I immediately knew that everything my mother said and did, emotionally and mentally, I was was actually the scapegoat being the middle child of two other sisters, of course my oldest sister was the the golden child who couldn't do anything wrong. But I'm glad I have learned that I'm not the only one who deals with a narcissistic parent. I do feel for anyone who has been and is still dealing with narcissist abuse. I'm trying to learn all I can to help me become stronger and detached.

Thank you so much…being a caregiver has cost me my business, husband, financial security and mainly my independence. I’ve allowed my sister to manipulate and guilt me into living my every day for my mom. My mom and sister have the means to either live together or get mom a luxury assisted living apt with at home nursing care. They refuse to budge. I’ve sacrificed years and my mom refuses to use a walker so most of her health issues are fall related. I give up. It’s killing me emotionally, financially and physically. I’m hated by my family but finally own my life. Bless the Caregivers🩷

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

It sounds as if you have finally broken the chains of being a caregiver? If so, congratulations! Guilt can destroy much in someone's life and I'm glad to hear that you have overcome that. I do hope that from now on, your life just keeps getting better and better!

@carolblair2845

2 ай бұрын

Walk away……let your sister do the caregiving now!!!!

It makes one wonder if some of the elder abuse that occurs is rooted in the elderly person being emotionally abusive first.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

Yes, that can certainly be the case sometimes. Past abuse, feeling trapped, there are so many issues that are wrapped up in this topic. There's always two sides to every story.

@pearaltamelo1027

5 ай бұрын

In my case it certainly would lead to that if I let myself go. When my mother became bedridden we had some serious arguments because of her selfishness and one day during an argument from the bed where she was sitting and using her left arm, her right side is all broken, she threw a heavy plastic tray at me and almost hit me on the head and I was sitting 3 m away from her. She also have this type of behavior decades ago, once she did it in front of the police officers when they came to the house because of issues between my parents, and she was immediately brought to the hospital emergency where she behave totally normal. At home she had these disgusting temper tantrums like a 2-year old. I have considered her neurotic ever since because she knows very well who she can do these things to Once my brother grabbed her by the neck because of the disgusting attitude she was having and when he released her she pushed me and accused me of not interfering when in reality I had spent the whole time telling my brother to stop and to let go of her neck

Thank you very much ladies for these extremely useful tools in dealing with older parents who may be somewhat abusive. I will definitely try to use them while visiting my long distance 80-year old mother whom I have had a not so smooth relationship with.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

You are certainly welcome! I know how difficult it can be to deal with this type of parent. Best of luck!!

Robin, this was really good. My father in law has Alzheimer's, and is in a Memory Care unit. In life, he was very thoughtful, and now is generally kind and obedient, but there are times when he threatens his caregivers. We're blessed that his circumstances allowed for great care. It takes such a load off the family, with the day-to-day care. We are still heavily involved, but it's nice to not have to do the heavy lifting. So sorry for the loss of your husband. You're doing great work with this channel. Thanks! :)

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Greg! I'm sorry to hear about your father in law, but happy that he's getting great care. What a blessing, as you said! Alzheimer's is so difficult for both the individual and their loved ones. Take care!

This video was SO helpful!! Thank you!!

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

7 күн бұрын

Oh thank you! I guess it means you are going through this scenario! I lived it as well so I empathize with you and I do want you to know that you can get through it. Take care.

❤❤thank you both & I’ve got your book before the end of your interview xx❤❤❤

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 ай бұрын

Wonderful! I do hope that it helps.

@nyllneksif2574

3 ай бұрын

It has already 4 days of no conflict & good communication xxxxxxx

Another thing that needs to be discussed in support of sincere caregivers doing a private care position for a senior that has adult kids . Obviously a long-term care position for a senior with dementia is enough to handle. But when their kids 'sibling drama' is taxing your much needed energy...it's debilitating . In my previous care position ~ The oldest daughter was constantly making my job her job. Often when I gave her feedback on what was needed in support of her mother...She would choose to do something else that wasn't helpful. Or just ignore my requests. It felt like control. The kids argue amongst themselves and their animosity comes out on the very person who is doing an excellent job...The very person who is doing what none of them could or would ever commit to doing. It's exhausting & hurtful.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for your comment. I can certainly agree that abuse of the caregiver can come not only from the senior but from the family members as well. And yes, it definitely is exhausting to have to be caught up in that. Family drama will most always come into play - especially when they've been there all along. We'll have to work on an article and video on that topic. Thank you so much for the suggestion.

If elders mental state is good and they are abusing there caregiver on purpose including children they also deserve strict action.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Well, certainly something needs to be said and someone like that does need to be confronted. But I also have to say that in my experience it doesn't change much of anything. People are who they are and often continue their bad behaviors and habits throughout their life - all the way to the end. It's really more up to the adult children and family, etc. to set the boundaries of what will be accepted and what will not. And there has to be some repercussion when the boundaries are crossed. Something like limiting any visitation time. It's unfortunate really that some seniors carry their anger to their death. More unfortunate for their loved ones I think. But, that's my opinion based on my experiences.

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

Senior Safety Advice if a senior citizen is mentally stable and purposely abuses their caregiver then they should also be treated as adults

@thesmore7187

3 жыл бұрын

Change comes and in coming future all those elderly who abuse their caregivers will be taught a lesson

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, of course. If someone is purposely and willfully abusive to those around him/her then certainly they should be treated as adults. But after working for years with the geriatric population, my experience has been that the great majority of those who are abusive are suffering from either a physical and/or psychological illness. That's just been my experience.

I think that at a certain age the govt needs to require or insurance needs to require a plan to be created bc some parents are toxic and local resources mailed to peoples homes. I told my mom to get things in order early but she refused. Its purely selfish. What is the deal w the older generation they r controlling and feel entitled no concern for others. What did they expect would happen as they got older? They expect their kids to give up their lives. Taking care of a baby or child is different than an adult who is given more rights than the caretaker. If anyone reads this look up narcissistic parents. At 65 yrs old mom said she didnt think anything would happen this early...oh really? The point is to prepare before something starts. U ladies r wonderful.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

First, thank you for the Kudos. Second, I know exactly where you are coming from, been there and yes, it is very difficult to understand why some folks do what they do. But, I have to say, after working so many years as an OT in geriatrics, I came to realize that expecting some older adults to have the same judgement and reasoning as they did when they were younger is just not likely. There are physical, emotional and psychological factors that all play a part in how someone thinks. My own mother was extremely stubborn and as an older adult, she was even more so. There was no reasoning with her and I had to accept that. So, instead of being angry at her I just accepted her as she was and realized that whatever I wanted her to do wasn't going to happen. It made life easier for me. I hope that helps you.

@moonlightstargem1006

Жыл бұрын

Dude i’m going to take the most brunt of my abusive dad’s abuse!! I’m gonna go psycho! Worse than i am now. I might kidnap him & lock him up somewhere & tape his mouth shut & let him die on his own. I need to live my life too!

I'm currently being verbally and emotionally abused by my grandmother. I grew up with her and my mom for 13 yeara and I'm 21 now. My mother has just died while taking care of her and trying to make her comfortable while taking her abuse. I saw her decline and heard of how my grandmother treated her. Idk and don't think too many people in the family might help in taking care of her except for one aunt. I'm worried about the effect it could have on me to cpntinue to help even if I'm not living with her... Abuse from the elderly to the caretake needs to be ADDRESSED!

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

Hello and I'm so very sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. I do agree, too often abuse from elderly adults is simply not recognized. That's one of the reasons I made this video and wrote an article on the topic. I would strongly recommend that you find some counseling to help you make the decisions you need to make in order to make sure that you do not fall down the rabbit hole of further abuse. Take care of yourself.

My mother keeps saying that I’m not being a good daughter and tells me to go to hell. My fiancé and I moved in with mom after my dad died to help her to be able to stay in the home they built. She’s doing less and less. She’s able, but chooses not to. All she wants to do is sit in her chair or lie in bed, play games on her phone or watch TV. I’ve caught her in so many lies to the point that I’m questioning everything she’s ever told me. I’m burnt out. I want my life back. She doesn’t appreciate anything.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

28 күн бұрын

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. A friend of mine is in a very similar situation. Her father died a year and a half ago and her mother has been doing less and less and getting angrier and angrier ever since. I can only imagine that not only have these two women lost their loved one that they have been with for decades, but now they are also losing their independence and going through depression at the same time. On top of that, it's very common for older adults to develop anxiety which can make anyone just a bit crazy. Yet, the ones who get the brunt of it all are their direct caregivers. That means you and my dear friend. I can tell you that my friend began going to support groups for caregivers and she says that is helping her alot because not only does she see that others have it just as bad if not worse, but she's getting some great tips on how to deal with all of this. So, maybe that could be a help to you too! Also, make sure that you and your husband take a few date nights (or days) away - it's very important to continue with your own life as much as possible.

32:26 there’s hope!! ❤❤

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 ай бұрын

Well, in some cases there may be hope! :)

Very important to share and be patience to care.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

6 ай бұрын

Absolutely!

Oh my god I go through this DAILY!! IM CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Oh God, I hope you truly are NOT contemplating suicide - please seek help if you are. There are so many grown children who are dealing with this issue but it's rarely talked about. Believe me, I have been there. My own mother was not pleasant, to say the least and I won't lie - there's no way to escape that kind of abuse with scars. But you can actually escape it. Please consider talking to a therapist. Amy Lewis Bear, whom I am interviewing in this video specializes in emotional abuse - www.heartwisecounseling.com/contact.

@moonlightstargem1006

Жыл бұрын

You’d have to physically separate yourself from them. Move out. Be homeless. Move in with a friend. Commit them to a mental hospital. Make them homeless! I don’t care. If the abuse gets worse. Kick them out

@msmunguia6558

5 ай бұрын

I know exactly what you mean and are going through . I too have come close to just going to my room and pulling the trigger. I am so tired of her treating me like she does and only me. I have been helping her for over 15 years and the last 3 years have been the worst. She is 92 and still wants to control me and every thing . Mine you I am 60 ! Safe care sounds great! Thank God I have siblings that help .

my mother is 60 now..but have been always highly demanding perfection frm me and comparing everything. i did every sacrifice as a child to get a happy smile or pat from her but she only hide inside herself...but i never got a positive words till now, i am 35 now and now she uses abusive words n say iam worthless

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

I am sorry you are in that situation. It's very difficult living with this kind of parent. Obviously, there's nothing you can do to change her, but you can certainly learn how to deal with her. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling so that you can learn what the things are and approaches that you need to do to survive this. My mother was very similar to yours and my salvation was to step away from her. That's what worked for me but you need to find out what works for you. Take care of yourself.

Im a experience caregiver, i ignore them by taking care of myself. But, i keep on eye my client by understanding her what shes doing. I provide her needs. Find from client what makes her happy and love things to do. Then, i adjust my self the positive mind to do. Never be negative. Try to take time to care whats best for my clients. Never argue with clients, have some compassion on we do. Show that you enjoy helping her so your enjoy too is very important.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

6 ай бұрын

You are doing the right things! Sounds like you are a wonderful caregiver. Your clients are very lucky to have you.

Thank you 🙏

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

5 ай бұрын

You’re welcome 😊 Believe me, I've been there and I know how hard it is! Take care of yourself.

Are you able to recommend any self help books or other type of literary resources that can offer some guidance on this topic. I understand they don’t replace the benefits of a good therapist but I had to stop working so I can care for my elderly mother and my financial resources are limited. In my case my mother undermines any sacrifices I’ve made on her behalf whether personal or financial. She gets very upset if I don’t focus solely on her needs and on most occasions calls me names I’m too embarrassed to name here. Example: if I take too long in the shower and she needs something or if I’m out food shopping. Doesn’t seem too concerned with my needs as long as hers are met. Unfortunately I’ve been unsuccessful so far in trying to reason with her and I could truly use some help. Thank you!

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

Well, if you're looking for a book, the best one I can recommend is Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent by Grace Lebow. I have a link to that book near the bottom of my article - seniorsafetyadvice.com/coping-with-elderly-parents-who-behave-badly/ But what I can tell you is that I dealt with this issue with my own mother. The way I handled it was that I did all I could to remove myself as "the daughter" and tried to see her as my patient. I worked as an Occupational Therapist for many years with head trauma and all kinds of neurological deficits in elderly adults and I just saw my mother as a head injured patient. That made it much easier for me to manage her and my own emotions. I also made sure to spend as much time as I could away from her to renew my energy. It's very important to do that so if you, in any way, can do that, I would encourage it. I also wore ear plugs or had my ear buds in most of the time, listening to music or podcasts or anything so that I would not have to hear her rantings. I kept on eye on her, of course, but honestly I ignored a lot of what she said. And when she would throw a tantrum and refuse to eat or just sit in her room in the dark, I let her do that. One time she refused to eat for 3 days. On the 3rd day I had a nurse come in to tell her that we would be sending her to the hospital and inserting a feeding tube in her and that got her eating again. But I stayed out of the conversation and decision on that matter. It's always better to have a 3rd party with "authority" handle these situations. All this may sound cruel and difficult for some adult children to accept. But in my experience, both professional and personal, it's the best that we can do when our parents' cognitive capacities diminish to the point where they become difficult. You may want to call hospice and ask them if your mother is eligible for an assessment. You don't have to just a few months away from passing away to be eligible. But there are different rules for different hospices so if you have several in your area, I would contact them all. If anything, they can also give YOU some help as well. And it does not cost anything. It all goes through Medicare. Believe me, I saw thousands of patients just like this in nursing homes simply because the family just could not handle them any longer. YOU, the caregiver are the important person here in this relationship. Don't ignore your needs. The more you give up of yourself now, the harder it will be to get yourself back after your elderly parent has passed away. That's been my lesson so I hope this helps you.

The abusive parent was always an abusive asshole. The abuse does not stop. It escalates and gets worse. It might turn from physical to theft to gaslighting and back again. It's best to go no contact. There is no good in it. The will turn people against each other by telling lies. They're abusive creeps. Go very low contact and greyrock. Don't get guilted out.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

First, I am sorry that you have lived through this abuse. Second, I do agree that there are some abusive parents that nothing will work to make the situation better. At the end of the day, it's not what happens to YOU, it's how YOU react to what's happening. You will never change the other person, you only have control over yourself. So, walking away is sometimes the best thing to do. I would recommend seeking the help of a counselor / therapist to work with you through the process. And yes, guilt is a powerful hold on many people. If you can let go of that, then you can usually relinquish the control that the abusing parent has over you. At least, that's been my experience. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

@elizabethandiosa4579

2 жыл бұрын

@@SeniorSafetyAdvice How very kind and thoughtful of you. Of course one seeks counseling. Minimizing and enabling for abusers is never a good thing. No contact is best and awareness and knowledge is the best protection for victims of abusers whether or not the abuser is old with dementia. Safe low contact can sometimes, depending on the situation, be an option and circumstances are different for everyone. Counseling with therapists that are extremely well versed with the tactics of abusers and its effects on their victims is crucial for healing and to get proper support with this type of situation. Very interesting notes in comments. Blessings and joy.

My situation got worse i helped my mom with her dying husband and moved her un from pr now she has made false allegations called cops they took to hospital and they state she is fine capable no demencia.. she is well spoken at hospital she said i hit her and abuse her.. all lies and she is coming back home and now i have a case against me i am really feeling like i am about to have a stroke and wish i could remove Myself from caring for her and get her to leave my home when i mention anything about maybe helping her be in a happier place she gets abussive again and i am afraid she will say something worse… she is killing me we do better apart

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

I am so very sorry you are going through this situation. I would recommend that you seek the help of a counselor who can help you through this and be able to make specific recommendations for your specific situation with your mother. Also, you may want to begin recording your mother. Either video and/or audio so that you can have proof of what is happening. Of course, you can speak to an attorney about this as well to help to protect yourself. An elder law attorney may be able to help.

I must find a way to move back out of my emotionally and verbally abusive parents. I'm trying to get disability. I had 2 sell my house 4 years ago. Tonight was the last straw for me. I'm having suicidal thoughts.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

I am sorry you are where you are right now. Please reach out to friends, family, 911 - whatever will get you some help. The number for the suicide hotline is 800-273-8255.

@catherinepeppers7854

2 жыл бұрын

Hey how are things going? I am sorry for what you are experiencing - can you get away to see friends from time to time? Catherine

If allowing them to eat a whole cake during a pandemic sends them to hospital duringa pandemic where with claustrophobia they wont weae a mask and the carers (us) are the ones who have to pick up the pieces then I disagree with that statement. I think it's very flippent, irresponsible and careless!

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comment. And naturally, it's extremely important for every person to implement any of these and other recommendations within the context of their own specific situation. An entire cake for a diabetic of course would NOT be recommended but for another person, that would be a different story. Your situation will naturally be different from anyone else's. The information in our video is generic of course, it has to be in order to try to reach as many people as possible but please understand that each situation is unique. That's where individual counseling for your own specific circumstances would be helpful. Best of luck in your situation and we certainly do wish you to be safe and healthy throughout this pandemic.

@patriciavanwinkle3693

3 жыл бұрын

Do not have a whole cake - avoid the temptation. Let the elderly person have as much independence as possible. If they insist on driving (when you know they can't) You should have the keys. If they get the keys - sit in the drivers seat. - They will yell at you - but they will get over it & everyone is safe. Always remember Safety 1st! Always recognize what is going on. Can the elderly do this w/out being hurt or hurting others. Put yourselves in their shoes - they are losing so much. Show love & compassion.

Do we really have to live through it? It’s not my fault she didn’t prepare for her future. Just because she’s my mom doesn’t mean I have to give up my life, friends, hobbies like she expects.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 ай бұрын

I know, it's a tightrope of emotions. Been there, done that! I used to say I love my mom because she's my mom but I don't like her very much. And no, you absolutely DO NOT need to give up your life - that's actually the worst thing that you can do. But, you may have to alter it a bit to help her, or get someone else to help her. Either way, she needs help and you will have to figure out the best way to do that. Speaking with a geriatric care manager can help you figure out all the options available to you.

Mi madre es abusiva, chantajista, no quiere coperar en nada, ni siquiera quiere ir al doctor, estamos muy frustrados, hasta amenaza con matarse, ya no sabemos que hacer

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 жыл бұрын

I am so very sorry that you are going through this with your mother. I myself have been in your position and can relate. My siblings and I finally had to just realize that my mother's care was not in our control. We could do our very best to take care of her but her resistance made it impossible so we had to let go. We finally came to realize that she had to live the consequences of her decisions and we had to respect that. When we did that, the fighting stopped, the frustrations stopped and I have to say it was a better life for all of us. But of course, if there are issues such as dementia or Alzheimer's that are making issues worse, those factors need to be looked at. Every situation is different. And if you believe that suicide is a threat then you must speak with your doctor about that. I would recommend that you speak with a social worker or a counselor to help you and your family through this. You can't control what your mother does or does not do, but you do have control over what you do and your own life. I hope that my experience helps you.

@catherinepeppers7854

2 жыл бұрын

Hay que buscar apoyo - mejor pidar apoyo solo no se puede Caterina

@moonlightstargem1006

Жыл бұрын

Oh i stopped falling for the suicide manipulation. I don’t give a f if someone kills themselves. I’d rather they take themselves out than me!

I’m not going to be disrespected in my own home. My mother is a narcissist who has wasted her adult life sitting in front of a TV. Now shes addicted to hydrocodone at 83 after taking since her mid 40’s. She’s a horrible person to be around.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

3 ай бұрын

I have a great friend who took care of her narcissistic mother for 6 weeks after hip replacement surgery and it ended up in a physical fight. Needless to say, my friend refuses to take her back in. I don't blame her one bit. Her mother is quite awful and sounds very much like your mom. I keep telling my friend that everyone lives the consequences of their decisions. Her mother even told her "Why did I have 3 children if they aren't going to take care of me?" That's a horrible burden to put on your children. Really? That's the reason you had children? To take care of you when you get older? It's a very selfish and narcissistic way of thinking, but it will never change. Core personality traits don't change, in my opinion. I call it the "moreso disease". However you are when you are younger, you're only moreso when you are older. Anyway, speak with a geriatric care manager - that person should be able to help you figure out what options are available in your area. Best of luck and hang in there. This is just a stage in your life, it's not forever.

65% of caretakers die before the one they taking care of. Abysmal odds.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

4 ай бұрын

Stats are slightly different depending on the source but it does seem to be true that a large number of caregivers (who are over 70 years of age) die before the person they are caring for. Yes, it is abysmal odds and it only shows the stress of caregiving. www.brmmlaw.com/blog/2014/september/70-of-all-caregivers-over-the-age-of-70-die-firs.aspx

Getting past. That's my current stage.

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

28 күн бұрын

I've been there too! Take a deep breath and try to let it go whenever you can. Take care.

@srthomas2914

28 күн бұрын

I've taken so many deep breaths I feel hyperventilating at times. Mother went back to her residence. I have difficulty calling her mother because she made it Abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with my sister, myself. Stating she tolerated our handicapped brother. She ask I honor her wishes and never check on her or even come to her funeral. The story is long and her decisions put my husband & I in dire straights so to speak. Financially and yes probably emotionally. She left the home we purchased for all of us, at her request and troublesome Financially, after her last abuse of shoving me over a low pine chest injuring my chin. She did this while my back was turned. She was evaluated by several Dr's and found to be of right mind, which hurts more because in my mind. She did this knowingly. Her current situation leaves her alone at her home. Why do I still worry. Why can't I just move on 😢

My mother cannot care for herself properly, can't clean her house properly, and neglects her dog. She was allowing him to mess in the house and leaving it there all day long. It's revolting and there's not much I can do to help the dog

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

So sorry that is the situation with your mother and her dog. It may be helpful for you to find a counselor / therapist who can help you through this situation. Certainly a social worker may also be able to help.

@lorimiller4301

10 ай бұрын

You must help the dog, you are the only one who knows they are in trouble. Please don't abandon the dog, they NEED YOU PLEASE

Put them in a old folk home and forget about them

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

Жыл бұрын

Well, that's one way to do it. And honestly, when I worked for years in nursing homes, that is exactly what I found.

Please don't listen to this lady. Ots never gonna get better until they are out if your life...period.. why dont you mention all the mental health, divorced, b.s., etc that happens. Enabling...fun. How do you not enable if you are involved?

@SeniorSafetyAdvice

2 ай бұрын

Having lived with abusive elderly parents I understand where you're coming from. Believe me, I suffered physical and emotional abuse, as did my siblings, and it was very difficult. So, I hear you. But, at some point, in my opinion, I think it's very important to understand that the abusers suffered some form of trauma in their lives and are not capable, or able to move forward. That certainly does not mean that you should be stuck in that sick circle for the rest of your life. You don't have to live with them or stay with them or even continue to be in their lives. Everyone has to make that decision for themselves. I was fortunate enough to spend years working with neurologically impaired adults as an Occupational Therapist and those experiences taught me the depth of what trauma can do to a person. It was then that I began to forgive my abusive parents. Not for what they did, but for what they endured. They had pretty lousy lives and they just couldn't figure out how to get out of it. Living through what I lived through has made me who I am today and frankly, I'm grateful for that person that I turned out to be. So yes, it was painful, it was humiliating and I wouldn't wish any of it for anyone. I do thank you for sharing your thoughts and I do hope that you can find some peace, with or without your parents.