That's what narcissists do- they constantly taunt you until you react angrily, then you're the one who's in the wrong! Don't fall for it!

@carrie402

Жыл бұрын

Yes, exactly! I'm finally wising up.

@Lady-pu8es

Жыл бұрын

Yes, one I know I've gone no contact for a month, I'll never contact him ever again He contacted my son for first time because I wont respond to him! My son doesnt even know him!! I had to educate my son on why you go no contact with a malignant narcissist because he's only doing that to get a reaction from me.

@spamela357

Жыл бұрын

The best thing you can do is stay COMPLETELY AWAY from a narcissist. A narcissist is PURE EVIL.

@babblesp1367

Жыл бұрын

I live with my boyfriend who clearly is a narcissist at this point. It’s taken awhile for me to discover it. I’m a very calm, patient person. As much as I want to slap him across the face, I don’t. I just don’t react. I don’t argue either. I’d love to see someone pound him into the ground though!

@d.3243

Жыл бұрын

TRUTH!!!!

Theres no way to come out of a narcissistic relationship without having ptsd.

@joycarlson2492

5 ай бұрын

Amen. But at least it also gives you great narcissist radar!

@caelestisnox7045

3 ай бұрын

Can confirm. I had to notify the police about a would be terrorist attack.

@barbarabittinger3863

3 ай бұрын

@caelestisnox7045 I've always described it as terrorism , it's nothing less than that with the same outcome.

@williamtiffee3799

3 ай бұрын

Complex, PTSD! (Hence the "reactive abuse" defense... after the thousands of: gaslights, reframes, projections, guilt trips, blame shifts, shaming, et al that lead to it.)

@joycarlson2492

3 ай бұрын

​@williamtiffee3799 Hence the complete and total come-aparts when someone starts criticizing everything you do.

Reactive abuse is one of the ways narcissists try to Get a reaction. Never doubt it Narcissists are cruel people 🐈‍⬛

@Human_01

Жыл бұрын

_Also... To intelligent readers (who do 'not’ have a ‘pathological disregard for rationality and reality')_ I recommend researching 'narcissitic personality disorder' (NPD) / 'cluster-B'; and know that they are the 'root of all evil' (especially 'ESFJ/ESTJ-narcissits'; Myers-Briggs reference, look it up)! European 'ESFJ' are the worst personality type, and they are responsible for inventing 'racism' and colonization! It is in their neuro-psychology!! The are extremely 'manipulative' and often use 'looking pretty' to distract others from the witch's mind-games / mind-rape, e.g. gaslighting, playing the victim or damsel in distress, creating 'flying-monkeys', and paying others to attack (or at times kill) someone for her. When caught, she will use her minions as scapegoats. European ESFJ are notorious for this especially in a racist context, e.g. Elliott Till. ISFP (and ESFP) are the most complicit, narcissitic-enablers. ISFP also tend to be 'oblivious-codependants' (look up the definition). SUMMARY: Evil personality: ESFJ (ALL), ESTJ (cluster-b) [Secretly] Evil and narcissit-friendly gunts/flying-monkey: ISFP (ALL), ESFP (ALL). ☝️ALL of them are secretly emotionally-disturbed, hence their need to create conflict (and at other people's expense, truly evil). Spread the word! Thank you. ___________ #Save_Soil

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

They are cruel. They find pleasure in creating pain. Wicked!

@susannakotoff7095

Жыл бұрын

even worse when they claim to be christian acting like this all the time-SIL

@susannakotoff7095

Жыл бұрын

my gaslighting narc SIL created a several situations and her flying monkey husband at our church I reacted to their abuse. I lost it . We can no longer go to our church. Everything is a competition to her. Even gives a sermon on private discussions we talked about to the church. She s such a coniving con artist. Runs in her family-her dad. Her husband gave a speech to the church giving their twisted delusional so called truth. We can t go church with wolves in sheeps clothing. We dont step on boundaries and dont be accountable like them. No contact is the only way. It s always been that way with them, it s just so sick they went to a new low at church. They re exposed who they r and playing those narc games at church. It was always at family get togethers, but at church?

@NekoAnjiru

Жыл бұрын

@@realhealing7802 sadism. It's called duping delight

And now I have the reputation of being an angry bully

@dravidianalchemist

3 ай бұрын

same. got filmed too. she shows people and tells me the ways they insulted me. really fun and i’m definitely not suicidal lol

@desolatesoul2304

2 ай бұрын

@@dravidianalchemistwhen dealing with a narcissist, you HAVE to film everything when they are about to go there! I have learned that. Also save all texts and emails! You can use it as blackmail too. It feels amazing. 😎

@Bodangers

Ай бұрын

Jesus

@KoolT

Ай бұрын

They push you and push you until you start to snap.

“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect. Read that again.” A popular meme that is very similar to the topic of reactive abuse.

@SurvivingNarcissism

Жыл бұрын

So accurate...thanks for passing this along, Pamela.

@laurafeher9694

Жыл бұрын

Rejection is God's Protection 😎

@siriastridkristensen4272

Жыл бұрын

I'm letting this one sink in....

@siriastridkristensen4272

Жыл бұрын

@@laurafeher9694 😄

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

❤️

Narcissists are crazy makers...I too have snapped....you describe this " reactive abuse: perfectly....narcissists always focus on your reaction- never on the relentless emotional abuse that eventually sparks it. Working on disengaging.....

@carrie402

Жыл бұрын

I'm right there with you Susie. Good luck on your journey of disengaging. Stay strong and trust in the Lord.

@danemartin4155

Жыл бұрын

When my ex went on a 5 day vacation. The house was peaceful. Upon her arrival home, within a few minutes. The mood of the house changed. It was like a dark cloud choked the atmosphere.

@skinnyway

Жыл бұрын

crazy making... yep. I have used those very words often.

@janeyjoesmith2127

Жыл бұрын

...Calling it reactive abuse doesn’t make sense to me… I refer to it as self-defense

@adriancampbell630

Жыл бұрын

Go no contact and don’t look back.

My narcissistic father abruptly and rudely kicked me out his house. He was really trying his best to get a reaction out of me. He was yelling and cursing and violating my personal space as he was doing such. I showed no emotion and I calmly packed my things and left. I knew nothing about narcissism and his tactics but I did know he does get a kick out of others being at his mercy - I didn't give in and I was extremely proud of myself.

@maxahissou7574

Жыл бұрын

Meanwhile, he was raging. Great job!

@keplermission4947

Жыл бұрын

Yeah but ... he wanted you out, you know you were too big to flatter his ego that you did as a child but don't get sad, don't be unhappy that you know life is cruel. Some useless eater enjoying life when he never had the name Rockefeller plum screwed above his front door. Just wise up.

@LA-qv2wl

Жыл бұрын

Same way my caregiver acted when kicking me out numerous times in my teens. the very best wishes

@brendalloyd9017

Жыл бұрын

Same here....50+ years ago! But I still wanted him to love me & accept me til the day he died.

@happyhealthyblessed

Жыл бұрын

That’s awesome!! 🙏🏻😊❤️

My family did this to me all my life. I was the hospitalized child and they made fun of me to the point I would get angry. Then the family would shame me for taking up for myself. Never put the two together. As a child, I really believed it was me. Took me 64 years to figure out their game.

@melanielee8754

Жыл бұрын

Yup. They don’t want you to put two and two together.

@williamthurman9082

Жыл бұрын

Carol I'm with u I'm 61 and just now seeing Whats going on

@fireupyourheartchildrenofgod

Жыл бұрын

Yeah sickos that raised me same crap💔

@mverderaime

Жыл бұрын

Same thing as me as a child. They'd have pot parties and when they were all high and drunk they'd wake me out of bed...I was about 6 or so...and make fun of me in front of everyone. Then when I'd start crying and getting angry..they say things like."aww look at the little baby...cant take a joke"...then they'd get mad at me and tell me I'd better learn how to take a joke!...my mom I learned way later as an adult..around 40...was BPD and my dad was NPD....constant gaslighting, shaming devaluing...she died a few months ago ( I'm 57 now) and her lies are still haunting me with family.members.

@fireupyourheartchildrenofgod

Жыл бұрын

@@mverderaime Oh my Goodness..Horrible. heartbreaking💔

The big problem is that legal authorities are not educated on narcissism, so narcs always get away with it

@alecstuart5266

5 ай бұрын

That's true.

@ellensunden2778

4 ай бұрын

So true! My narc mom beat on me for speaking in the house without her permission. I called the cops and showed them the bleeding scratches she left on my hand. But because my narc mom turned on all the polite charm she had when talking to the cop, the cop said that he didn't think she was a threat and refused to do anything!😢😢😢

@dravidianalchemist

3 ай бұрын

i was just thinking this earlier. authorities always take her side because she’s the mum right.

@williamtiffee3799

3 ай бұрын

Many of them ARE also narcs and/ or psychos, etc. (And attorneys, as well...) These people afterall 'gravitate' towards Power and Control positions. Fortunately, they are very predictable, and will almost always do things the same way... expecting either the same, or a different result?! So, set them up, and record them! (I almost always knew minutes, days, etc. in advance... what the narc(s) would pull NEXT... because they seldom deviate(d) from the redundantly 'robotic,' habit patterns...) These people are afterall, NOT "creative." (And therefore run the same 'scripting,' time, and again!)

@user-yu3bf5ke7u

2 ай бұрын

That is true. My narc recorded me trying to grab his phone and I accidentally scratched him and then ran away “scared” and then tried to act like he hasn’t cheated and abused me for years I called the domestic violence hotline And she said to watch out because they can put you in jail bc of it.

When the narcissist pokes and prods you to finally react - then you become the bad person, the unhinged one. I didn't know what was happening back then, i felt shameful for acting in such a bad way, not realizing that i was set up - ironically, from someone who I THOUGHT loved me and had my back. thanks, Dr. C. Hi Gus!

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

Well said as it sums up exactly how I feel/ felt a out the whole thing. ✌️❤️

@litteacher135

Жыл бұрын

Desperately trying to extricate myself from this entrapment with a narcissist who calls me stupid and crazy. He blames me for all of the behaviors he exhibits.

@howardshapiro6553

Жыл бұрын

sounds like me. I had no idea until i have been away from my ex for awhile. I am no longer angry but still live with all the resentment etc. brutal

@jujubean914

Жыл бұрын

Mine would poke, prod, and push until i would lash out, then tell me i needed to get therapy for my anger issues. I was young and blind to what was actually going on, so i went to therapy, her driving me to every appointment, despite me being a grown 25 year old living on my own, who was perfectly capable of driving myself, and who never asked her to drive me. She lectured me the entire drive, "be sure to tell them..." So of course i ended up misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. Took all the mood stablizers and anti psychotics but nothing changed. They changed doses, no change, then they changed meds, nothing changed. Opportunity came i left the state, and her. Circumstances prevented me from getting meds and therapy, that's when i realized i had been misdiagnosed. Fast forward 10 years and I had to move back to her vicinity, within DAYS she was strongly recommending that i get back on my meds and into therapy because there was still something wrong with me, according to her. I flatly refused, told her i had been misdiagnosed and then the mask came off and she really started in on me because shes desperate to prove I'M wrong about my own mind and body. But she still pokes, prods, and provokes to satisfy her own delusions.

@marian9410

10 ай бұрын

My sister was the Machiavellian in the family and I was so badly set up by her. Covert and pretended she had my back against both parents who are narcs and the malignant narc brother. I am 59 and only saw it all last year. Have been no contact with them for months now. Already feel so much better except the guilt has been horrible.

9:23 “responding to an abusive narc with an ugly reaction is normal coz abuse is not normal” thank you 🙏 🙏

Reactive abuse is the main reason I left my toxic family system. I realized that this has been happening all my life. Abusers don't change. No contact was my only option.

@lunarmodule7802

Жыл бұрын

Same.

@chrisantoniou4366

Жыл бұрын

It's not YOUR only option, it's THE only option.

@wayneelliott1180

Жыл бұрын

The only effective way. It's like a breath of fresh, invigorating air once we get used to our freedom.

@Arun88448

Жыл бұрын

Same here... I am feeling lonely now... No support system

@chrisantoniou4366

Жыл бұрын

@@Arun88448 Firstly, if they are Narcissists, they were NEVER your support system, they were your "putting down" system. Secondly, make new friends. Sure it's hard, but you have to put in some effort and depending on exactly how you're placed, (physically, age wise, financially, etc.) you could join a dating site, mental health support groups, hobby groups, and so on. One or two genuine friends are better than any number of Narcissists. In this context, quality beats quantity every time!

You cannot reason with or expect rationalization from a narcissist

@williamtiffee3799

Ай бұрын

ZERO "rationality..." from anyone who FALSELY believes they are never WRONG, nor EVER "to blame!" (Total hypocrisy, with no accountability = narcissistic "entitlement.") My family is FULL of these people, I'm sorry to say!

The cruelty perpetrated by the narcissist is astonishing. It is pure evil. No contact has been my good friend. Thank you Dr. Carter, for all your insightful videos.

@skinnyway

Жыл бұрын

no contact is golden. 💛

@kingbee9778

Жыл бұрын

They can bully someone to death and feel good about what they have accomplished. I've seen this in my own family of origin.

@Mishy555

Жыл бұрын

@@skinnyway It sure is

@darkhorse7460

5 ай бұрын

Me, too. I wonder how you respond when/if you're asked about your family?

It is true. They set you up for "reactive abuse". My husband goes into rages about everything. You have to be very careful with these narcissists because they will set you up. It has happened to me. Then blames me and tells me I am psycho, a word never heard before. IT is horrific when in reality it is a normal reactiont of their constant abuse. Do not react to them, or try VERY HARD NOT TO. Yes, it is extremely hard. It takes practice and master skills. It is like you have to make this imaginary steel fence they can't penetrate. Yes, they feel glad when you react because they turn the tables around and they take power. They do not care and have any empathy, that part of the brain that creates empathy is damaged. I wish I could had learned all of this information when I married my narc 15 years ago. Now i have 2 kids and have suffered so much abuse. I am going through psychical, verbal and Psychological abuse. They are horrific monsters. I wish I could get away but unfortunately at the moment for many reasons I can't, but I do pray for the day I could run very fast and never look back. Always have a strong sense of who you are. Keep in mind that you are a good person and that is why they targeted you. They will devaluation you but do not fall into their game. They are the ones that are very sick. Yes, they will tell you " i will make your life a living hell". WHICH IS TRUE! Remember they will never accept that they are very sick individuals. Try to stay away from them as much as possible, as little contact as possible. They will make you psycally sick. All the abuse and stress will cause you to be very depressed, suffer from multiple auto immune issues and inflammatory problems, sleep disorder, mental fog, lost of concentration, fatigue etc etc. They will kill you emotionally and psycally. My tactic is when my narc starts arguing, which it is ALWAYS the case, it to walk away or tell them "scream to the hand ✋️". it is horrible but it is a survival tactic you have to learn with baby steps. Hope all of you are able to get out someday. I pray I do.

@jacquelynhaas8184

6 ай бұрын

Thank you for this advice . I needed to hear it . I am constantly blamed for having no self control, no this , no that , yet he NEVER ever acknowledges how he began the verbal abuse and the devaluing. He literally pushed me down the stairs and I was so upset that I got up and ran in the room . He attempted to come in so I reacted and picked up my shoe and threw it at him to deter him. It hut the wall behind instead and created a small hole easily repairable. Of course I feel terrible about messing up the wall , but for thr love of God, I was pushed down a flight of stairs and almost got seriously injured . So now he says that I am the bad one , out of control, unhinged, ect. It never fails . I will always take accountability for all of my mistakes , but I literally hear negative things about myself and am called bad names about 3 times out of each week . I feel at a loss and don't understand hoe a person who says that they " love you " can treat you like this. I am just plain weary.

If you try to keep your cool to the narcissist's provocations - the provoker will just increase the quantity and quality of their provocations until you do lose your cool. Everybody has their breaking point. They only way to minimize or eliminate the provocations from the narcissist is to establish and enforce borders and boundaries. Narcissists will not stop provoking you. Try to keep your cool to mitigate the provocations while you formulate and execute your exit plan. Get out!

@4HeimatLiebe

Жыл бұрын

cut contact, even without telling them, if they somehow manage to see you anyhow, tell them: no, i do not want this, no, i won't do that, etc. and go away or close the door or block them, cut them out of your life, ignore them, you own them nothing, nada, zero. your healthy boundaries come first, its your life. you are responsible for your own life and happiness not theirs. they choose to behave bad, their problem. they are grown up. their life and what they say or do is their choice. you can not change or save anyone, but how you answer or if at all you react to someone or a difficult time, you own it to your self to remoove anything outa yer life which hurts you or ye feel uncomfy with. its healthy self love.

@Loriburnett

Жыл бұрын

Well said!!

@lummie.soares

7 ай бұрын

That's so true once they are so coward that the sky is the limite. I hate to be compared or to be blamed for the things they do ... there is a point where they will spot your weakness and limits what isn't a proplem to cross it.

I've seen the glee. A little smile, or a big one they can't hide so they turn their face away so you can't see it.

@cmauj7688

22 күн бұрын

I think it's called Duping Delight. It's very evil. 😔

narcs never "see" their flaws

@williamtiffee3799

Ай бұрын

That's because total HYPOCRITES... "FLAWless!" ;-)

To resist the goad is difficult, especially when they have been polishing the skill for 40years or more.

Whenever I am with the narcissist I am starting to feel physically sick! I am drained of energy and feel there is no hope anymore. I have been awake for 3 years and still can’t break free. I know I am not crazy but feel it wouldn’t take much. I used to be such a happy go lucky person full of life and well liked by most. Now I just want to be left alone.

@Iknowyoulovethischannel

Жыл бұрын

Yup

@DWN590

Жыл бұрын

Me too

@msigg2656

Жыл бұрын

Same here

@pamswantek9142

Жыл бұрын

Me too!

@maydabalboa8613

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same way. I start feeling very sick just when I know he is getting home. Being around him makes me very sick. It is the negative energy they give

I've been in this position many times unfortunately. They prod and provoke until I finally snap and react badly. And they then stand back and watch what they have created, and then shame me for my reaction. It's a sick evil game.

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately and sadly, me as well. ❤️✌️

@iconsnart

Жыл бұрын

Its what they do :/

@clairesweeney4334

Жыл бұрын

They ARE demons walking the earth!

@KatherineSmith-ry3yg

Жыл бұрын

@@newlycrowned6397 This is happening to me EVERY TIME. After 21 years of marriage, I have spent time working on not being reactive, but then he increases the insults, increases the level of verbal abuse, increases the length of time the "silent treatment" I will receive . Each time I think I'm solid, he increases the intensity, to the point I react. I am so angry inside! I'm mad at him and myself for wasting time and for being WEAK and not taking the steps to get out. I have three kids (teenagers) who I protect and stand up and in for on the daily. So when I eventually snap- I find myself stooping to his level. It's a sick cycle but I still can't seem to get off the ride.

@TARAdubbleyuu

6 ай бұрын

Yup. Narcs gotta narc.

The flip side to this is if you don't react, they keep pushing you further and further until they feel they've done enough damage to get a reaction (often resulting in repeated physical abuse until you're pushed to defend yourself or a loved one/child/pet). There's no winning this game.

@SurvivingNarcissism

Жыл бұрын

Right, which is why so many people find that the only way to heal is total removal.

@amwil4980

Жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism please I need help with this I've tried to leave 5 times he will not leave me alone

@lastthingsministry

Жыл бұрын

It shouldn't be called 'reactive abuse' as it is actually snapping after years of psychological torture. It isn't abuse, it is snapping or breaking down.

@Loriburnett

Жыл бұрын

@@amwil4980o God

@ellensunden2778

4 ай бұрын

True! My narc parents tried to euthanize my cat while I was at work. The vet refused and notified me. Nsrc mom was all smiles and pure joy when she told me that I had to euthanize my cat. I refused and found a different home for my beloved cat...to the absolute fury of my narc mom.

This is so extremely harmful to children growing up with a narcissistic caregiver.. They have no way to understand or express what is happening to them and now they are labeled as a "problem child" when it's really their caregiver scapegoating them. Then the schools get involved and a child's life can become day to day hell with no place to escape from the abuse.

@mrb4761

Жыл бұрын

How many of us are "grown up" children who are, over, say the past year or watching Worse still -- how long is it going to take the wider therapeutic establishment to get out of denial about how frequent and widespread this behavior is?? /feels a little frantic

@HYTELES

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, that was me growing up an only child of a single unfit parent raised by narcissists. Not only did I become her torture victim, but always got hung up on by her parents who always supported her even when they knew she was wrong.

@annconforti9294

Жыл бұрын

You are describing my family life!

@nuthinbutluv4u142

Жыл бұрын

Being bullied at home and school leaves no where for the child to exist.

@Jae-by3hf

Жыл бұрын

This happened to me 😔 it still sticks with me till this day!

I often allowed my mom to set me up with "reactive abuse" calling the police on me or running over to a neighbor's house to escape my out of control behavior. She is long gone and my own wife and 2 children have never acted like this. Thank God I'm finally free from the unspeakable cruelty of my youth..

@4HeimatLiebe

Жыл бұрын

Amen.

@MB-yg6mb

Жыл бұрын

Yes running to the neighbors house...ive dealt with that one too...narssisist are pure evil.

I am never ever again going to have anything to do with people who are not kind. I die from them. I'm an empath and I can't stand these people. We're from different planets. If you are kind to someone and doing yr utmost, they should be interest being kind back. Otherwise they are only after to exploit you.

My narc abusers- coverts, got various reactions from me and because of this I was painted a Borderline personality by them. Now I know it's CPTSD and I'm trying to live by this great quote: Whoever angers you, controls you.

@mariaawake4502

Жыл бұрын

Within about 2 years I learnt not to react to the covert´ s baiting very much anymore . Narcs know your triggers , because they have studied you and I identified and neutrialized my triggers. With the help of an in person- therapist I increased my emotional stability. My best wishes🌼

@danielaspitz3052

Жыл бұрын

@@mariaawake4502 Thanks. The worst thing is- I myself told my former Ex, a covert like my mother, about my biggest fear just ro warn him of ME. Because I thought I was a BP I felt I needed to warn my partners that I'm traumatised due to my father cheating on my mother and I have a huge fear of someone cheating on me. I'm not afraid to be alone or to split up, it's only the chaeating. So for two years not only was I the one who gave, payed and did everything for our "relationship" myself. He also let me know and see he watches porn and admires women. He's spent hours looking at - mostly young and very sexy women's profiles, had fun alone watching those films and looking at girls and women all the time, whenever we went out. Today I know that he just didn't want to get me jealous ( which he denied, anyway), but that this was triangulation and my reaction to it was massive supply for him. I still hate myself for having been so stupid, I'm a strong woman and a mother, he's never had a woman stay with him for more than a night or a week. I was traumabonded for TWO horrible years and left suicidal and depressed. And of course, he still blames me nor not having been strong enough to stay with him.....

@RN-gx7wt

Жыл бұрын

It's not about the one who triggers you, it's about the one that carries the ammunition.

@danielaspitz3052

Жыл бұрын

@@RN-gx7wt What triggers us, IS actually the Narc's ammunition

They've done worse than anybody could imagine by having people arrested and creating a police record for somebody innocent that fell into their trap because they love calling the police and so does their flying monkeys who love recording it after you've already been abused ...set up to record you defending yourself

@dravidianalchemist

3 ай бұрын

they love calling the police, BANG on 😂

@IndigoCherokee

Ай бұрын

My husband and now it's backfiring with property management and he trying to shift blame

Pastors, counselors, law enforcement, lawyers and judges are largely woefully ignorant about these such issues. And so the abused end up being further abused and punished by these ignorant people.

@user-wz4bz2fn6s

3 ай бұрын

Seems like no one who could help ,have any understanding.

After pushing you into reacting out of control, they can go so far as to contact your medical professionals to tell them you're having a "psychotic break" or are entirely out of control and do it with a sense of glee, gloating that they will get them to "get you under control."

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

Yep

@ND-or5so

Жыл бұрын

Isn't that the truth. They will get theirs one day.

@butterfly4537

Жыл бұрын

That's what both of my parents did. And my ex-partner, too, almost. He threatened it. Also, two former landlords did that with me.

@N0N4M30

6 ай бұрын

After my adopted brother tried to choke me in front of my adoptee mother and I hyperventilated she wanted to call the ambulance because “you are not in your right mind” Imagine hearing that while just surviving an murder attack

@LavenderLemur

5 ай бұрын

My mom started to warn me of this too. She said this is the type of man who pushes a woman into an insane asylum and you’ll be medicated for the rest of your life. You need to get away before he has you put in jail or hospitalized. I can’t believe I truly believed in his ability to change. It’s the intense “love” you get randomly that keeps you hopeful.

Hello from Tampa, FL. This message is sooo true. They love to see someone react negatively....walk away, dont get sucked in!

@keplermission4947

Жыл бұрын

Well ... just be aware these personalities are pack hunters. Walking away is one thing but maybe you'll see the person chatting with your Boss and then, they both turn around and glare at you briefly. These people are evil and just be aware they don't act alone. Try to be subtle in your dealings with them, if you are able to detect them. Some of us are able to feel that something is off but we're often, trying to override that intuition. The world is a dangerous place and we need to be very careful.

@carolnahigian9518

Жыл бұрын

If you say " hi" to my sibling, or COUSIN W- you LOSE.

@elminero49

Жыл бұрын

Stephanie - "walk away" is showing a reaction to the narcissist's abuse. "Walk away" would make the narcissist say that you are not taking responsibility for the all the trouble YOU caused them. A better solution is to stand your ground and "Gray Rock" them until they stop their insipid shit.

@alphaomegaambassador4978

Жыл бұрын

@@keplermission4947 The lone wolf is rare. Narcissists are more like wolf packs. Strong family bonds.

another thing to be aware of is even if you get a handle on your emotional regulation and stop engaging in reactive abuse, the narcissist will hold onto the times you did even if it was years ago and you haven't done so since. doesnt matter if it was 3 years ago, they'll bring it up as if it were 3 weeks ago any time they need to make you seem like the problem.

Be careful they might wip their phone out .then what !of course they will only record your reactive not their abuse. Disgusting creatures

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

They have and will

I finally learned not to take the bait. Still learning to calmly respond instead or just be silent and walk away.

@SurvivingNarcissism

Жыл бұрын

It's a skill.

@Fourleafclover9

3 ай бұрын

Its very upsetting to realise you have to have a skill and not be yourself lovingly with your family..lonely place to be.

@user-wz4bz2fn6s

3 ай бұрын

Have to re learn this. Then later learn it again.

@KatieMcNally-cb4fu

2 ай бұрын

@@Fourleafclover9 I feel that deeply, I have so much love to give but hold it back I've become dissociated and numb I don't recognise myself at all. It's very difficult when you're self aware but can't even get your words out anymore and just seem very angry and miserable. I have been very reactive and It's all my fault because I'm the one shouting and swearing

I know my silence drives past and present narcs crazy. Hurts their ego. I value my peace of mind. Period. Side note: I found it Totally useless further communicating with narcs. They don’t listen unless it benefits them. I’m learning to put up stronger boundaries. No more being a doormat! Thank you Dr C! This video resonated 💯!

@Human_01

Жыл бұрын

You're allowing yourself to be a punching bag. 😐 Nothing more.

@jonnibegood1

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely 👌🏼

@JohnSmith-uv4ox

Жыл бұрын

I agree. Funny, my silence has come, after my Narc family has shunned me. In a obvious attempt to make me, my son and wife grovel at their feet and be their dumping people again. However we have wisened up and had enough. So, while they are waiting for us to return, outta a trauma bond, we are living the best and watching these daily, to get the intel to know how to combat it. I live that they did this to us, again, because this time they are trying to make my son the scape goat, and he is just now old enough to see the game, and he did. So glad, they can't lie to him.

@arthurshat7793

Жыл бұрын

And they love to steal your peace because they have none of their own.

@jencaragia

Жыл бұрын

Same here

I have lived with these cruel people all my life, first childhood, then marriage. It is a constant battle to keep my sanity. These videos help, but what a sad broken world we live in. Self respect, composure, treating others right in the face of the evil must be maintained and you must not go to that bad place that they want you to go to

@ImpulsoCreativo9322

Жыл бұрын

Me too. Parents than marriage. Lots of suffering

They want you to embarrass yourself and then talk snap about you.

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

Sadly it looks I did. They suck

@SurvivingNarcissism

Жыл бұрын

That's their game plan.

My malignant narcissist mother and her narc sidekick were doing some dangerous and illegal things so I turned them both in and the government went after them. I feel so much better when I think of turning in those two monsters.

@Cat-oj4oz

Жыл бұрын

You are so brave! Kudos!!

@Elizabeth-yg2mg

Жыл бұрын

@@Cat-oj4oz Thank you Cat it scratches my itch.

@hipsonsogbo

Жыл бұрын

What were the dangerous illigiel things? You narked on them as revenge?

@Elizabeth-yg2mg

Жыл бұрын

@@hipsonsogbo Of course.

@theguaable

Жыл бұрын

Recently I was getting silent treatment and other sneaky forms of abuse from someone who works for the government. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier so eventually I just reported the person to a superior lol. No real punishment happened to the person but I'm sure the investigation wasn't the reaction the toxic person was looking for.

Ex tried to get me to slap him by getting in my face and screaming. I so badly wanted to do that but walked away. I know any such behavior would be used against me. Complete no contact. 5 years now. Such truth in this message!!!

@sh6460

Жыл бұрын

Oh, I forgot how he repeatedly got in my face screaming, spitting, shrieking. I've tried to block it out of my mind. He would run down the stairs, hair trigger, pace, cry, slobber dripping on the floor, panting, crazy. BUT he would Never acknowledge his behavior, I " made him" act like that. I remember the first time he freaked out, over reasonable request to make a budget. WOW. Stupid of me not to pack and leave right then, I know better now. In my foo, I thought men were calmer, but both of my parents are very dysfunctional.

I just got back from an emergency extraction of a front tooth. When it came to purchasing a visual remedy of a "flipper" my narc spouse refused to pay. And all of this in full view of everyone. The shame and shock of it hurt worst than the infected tooth. But instead of the shame resting with me. It's just another shovel of evil hubris digging its own grave...

BELIEVE ME, the challenge to remain calm takes PRACTICE! The tactic does work but the narc will work harder to get the reaction so stay focused.😊

I was told by a former therapist that abuse between siblings is also reactive abuse. If you could appeal to that at some point it couuld be helpful.

@stacierocke6830

Жыл бұрын

anything that could help is good

@sebastienbolduc5654

Жыл бұрын

Interesting that you mention that. Yes, that would be of interest to me as well.

@joywebster2678

Жыл бұрын

Sibling abuse approved by the narcissist is common and very frustrating to deal with in childhood, and sadly can continue into adulthood. It's very distressing.

@concerned1

Жыл бұрын

My little ‘brother’ didn’t speak to me for six years. Three of those whilst we lived under the same roof. My crime? I dared to go to the same gym as him. My parents knew what was going on and did nothing. I grew up thinking evil was a normal way of life.

When I noticed my behavior was being super defensive and in super fight mode, I knew something was not right. I feel like my angsty, livid inner teenager who would fight back towards my stepdad's overt and covert abuse is rearing up to fight. I stop, reflect. I remember the best thing to do is walk away. I stand firm by my biundaries, and remove myself from the toxic situation, the toxic environment, and toxic people. I love myself, and choose to surround myself with respectful, compassionate, emathetic friendships; and it is reciprocated.

Yes I did not realize I imprisoned myself with my own feelings of failure by my reactive response. It took me a long time to realize I'm not the monster. My advice to anyone that slips up and does become reactive is don't apologize. That starts the "gotcha game". And once they gotcha you, you don't ever get to win again. After that it's devaluation and they start in on how you're nothing. Then they call in their flying monkeys to agree with them. It just escalates and escalates. I have to wonder if I had this education when I was going through this if I had done better I would hope so. I know for one thing it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did. I would have recognized toxic for toxic and got away and try to remind myself to take more time the next time.

@moodyonroody5313

Жыл бұрын

Yes, we can apologise to ourselves!

@cadencechrome4783

Жыл бұрын

I finally reached my limit and am moving away. Going forward towards peace and joy.

@jennaf9791

Жыл бұрын

Hi Cheryl I can completely relate. I had no idea what he was for a very long time / 14.25 years. Once I did realize, I filed for divorce. Now free with no drama!

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

You're correct. I went through this and the flying monkeys were awful and relentless. It made me feel so bad. How the whole things flipped was a nightmare and I was further abused and humiliated by many other people. Nightmare! I am still recovering from it all. Just awful. I hate living. It's hard.

@cherylduckworth11

Жыл бұрын

@@bekindpeas hello I hope things are getting better now 🙂👍

SO true. I didn't know there was a word for this. My narc loves to push people's buttons and pushes and pushes until we explode. Then she acts surprised and puzzled why we "lost our minds" out of nowhere. She loves to say "Here I am talking to you calmly, and you're the one being so overdramatic. You're the crazy one, not me," with a smug smirk on her face.

@mariaolmo460

Жыл бұрын

My husband used to do the same. Till during a strong discussion I turned my head to him and noticed that he was simling. The second time this happened I suddenly understood that while I was suffering and out of control he was enjoying with the situation. That day I learned to keep calm, not to show my feelings to him. The show is over!

@Loriburnett

Жыл бұрын

Unbelievably sick

@N0N4M30

6 ай бұрын

My adoptee mother does this on a weekly basis to me

They actually pride themselves in turning you into them. The narcissistic smirk 😏 is always a sign they knew they did this. It’s probably the reason most of us finally just walk away… to keep from taking on their dysfunctional behaviour. Thank you for addressing this uncomfortable topic DrC. 🤗💞🤠

@connectcareagency3088

Жыл бұрын

I'm gasping. I am an empathetic person who always has something positive to say about people and just a beaming light, let me tell you every interaction I have with new people is genuine and when I'm cheerful and go about talking to people my husband will always try to make it seem like I was faking it.

@domenicoricci5844

Жыл бұрын

Was talking to my vovert narc wife while she was at the kitchen sink telling her that i finally figured out who she really was and her bag of narcissistic tricks. As her back was turned she thought i couldn't see her face but i could in the reflection of the kitchen window. A creepy smile came over her face when i mentioned her bag of narc tricks. They DO know what they are doing.

@teresaorth7832

Жыл бұрын

That really gets to me too.....I hate that smirk and the sounds.........

@teresaorth7832

Жыл бұрын

@@domenicoricci5844 I hate that creepy smile, smirk........I have also used glass and mirrors to see what they don't think we can see.........total two faced hypocrisy .

I needed this today. Recently found out the narc sister in law that my husband cut off and has ignored for the past couple years is now telling people my husband physically assaulted her and is a danger so that is why she "chooses" not to be around him. She found out we were going to be at a family gathering so refused to go. My husband called her out on her prior lies and manipulations in front of others and she freaked out. He blocked her from everything and went no contact but somehow she's a victim now. It's the lies of physically assaulting her that royally pisses me off because those are serious allegations that are also false.

The best and when I say best I mean WORSE thing about this is the narcissist who completely acts clueless when you finally rage out. Quiet tone and absolutely dumbfounded. I truly believe my father doesn’t even understand what he has done wrong. It’s absolutely pointless to react!

This is my husband. He will taunt me and say horrible things then tell me I'm just full of rage. I have quit engaging. I finally, finally realized that there is no point. So I just stopped.

Ooohhhhh this is soooooo true! Another perfect description from Dr C. It amazes me how well Dr C can lay out the terrible nature of these terrible people. I am so thankful to have the guidance and knowledge he provides. This education is something I wish I had years ago, above almost everything else I was taught as a child learning the harsh realities of this world. This priceless knowledge is what everyone should be taught at a young age, it would prevent so much strife and heartache in the world. Thank God for Dr C and the incredible work he does to help us naive but otherwise good people🧎🏻

This is so true! My mom goes out of her way to trigger me even when I'm doing my best to be nice to her by thinking of her needs. I went to my moms house to take her some delicious salad , she started a conversation around politics and about one particular party that I side with, she knew my views before bringing up the discussion yet she did it so that I could disagree with her and then all hell broke loose. I simply told her that i came over to do something nice for her and I didn't come to become abuse and bullied. she then turned it around and tried to blame me for responding. smh it's damn if you do and damned if you dont.

@jerirasulo9543

Жыл бұрын

My mother does the whole republican vs democrat thing. I simply say they are all the same. Thankfully she doesn't know much about what I think politically. 'they're all the same' lol. Mb try it out. If she refuses to change the subject leave when she starts and won't stop. Mb you can say that talking about politics is upsetting me right now, let's talk about something other than politics. Then mb you can ask how so and so is or talk about the weather lol. Don't take too much crap though it can make you crazy in the head and actually physically sick like me. And also like a lot of comments and videos say, let go of the mother you WISH you had/have. Don't spend years like I did trying to get her to act like a loving mom. Beware of the love bombing, they'll be nice enough to you too get you back under her wing but it's manipulation to get you to stay. I tend to treat abusive relatives like casual friends who dare talk to me inappropriately. I'll ask if they think that was polite to say or tell them they're upsetting me right now. Not fall into the daughter role like it's my job to lap up abuse just bc it's coming from a relative. Good luck.

@wayneelliott1180

Жыл бұрын

Yes, they actively seek to create chaos then claim to be the poor, limping little victim.

@lisaosbourne-eden4576

Жыл бұрын

Maybe try grey rocking. Put yourself first and continue to learn more about narcissism.

@z32luvr

Жыл бұрын

They can’t accept true love. It’s sad.

@4HeimatLiebe

Жыл бұрын

you should go no or very low contact and when you said you have not come to be bullied, you should off left immediatelly after saying that, imho ye own her nothing and stop telling them how you feel, they thrive on yer discomfort.....a strong boundary is: i won't be yelled at and leave! not debating or justifying, there is no winning with them or a true apology or changed behaviour.

I wrote about this in my book, my brother would poke my shoulder over and over, each time I would tell him to stop but he would not so I would blow up and yell at him to stop and then he would say; "see how you are" as though I was the bad one for blowing up when he provoked me. Sadly my mother would never discipline him because he was the golden child and I would be told I was too sensitive. It was my fault that I defended myself against my older brother. He did this throughout my entire life, when I would try to make him listen to me he would begin to yell loudly and refuse to let me talk. This was in our sixties, I finally hung up on him and never had contact with him again. He called me several years later as though nothing happened to want to know how my children and husband were doing. I didn't answer his questions, I believe he is trying to find out information to be able to tell half-truths about my family. Sadly he has health problems and will die soon but still has no remorse for his rudeness. It is positively astounding how foolish they can be for no other reason than to "feel" superior to me.

@joanne7843

Жыл бұрын

OMG! You just described my life. So glad I finally went no contact with all the narcs, enablers and flying monkeys in my life.

@cairosilver2932

Жыл бұрын

Sorry you went through that

@gwendolynwehage6336

Жыл бұрын

@@cairosilver2932 thank you for your kindness. I am not sad or sorry I went through it all because it taught me important lessons and made me stronger. It could have broken a non-thinking person who believed whatever the narcissist said, but I was always seeing things the way they really were, which might be the reason my family didn't like me.

@rosalindluper2801

Жыл бұрын

I feel like a mirror image. My mother and sister trashed me at every opportunity - my mother even told me that no-one would ever look at me because I was small for my age (my friends now think 'petite' is lovely). If I ever disagreed with my sister my mother would go for me and say I was just jealous. The funniest thing, though was as adults when my sister and brother-in-law, who have limitless funds and love showing off, took me to their posh London club for lunch. My sister was appallingly rude to the waiter who mistakenly brought her the wrong dish. The manager overheard everything and told my sister in no uncertain terms that if she didn't like it there she could leave, and in fact he was going to suspend her membership. I bring this to mind every time she gets irritating and one day I will reveal it to the world - that will be my revenge!

@gwendolynwehage6336

Жыл бұрын

@@rosalindluper2801 This is familiar to me too, often narcissists are rude to those they think are beneath them. Also, I was 110 pounds at age 16, 5 ft 2 inches and my brother used to tell me I was fat. I saw how ridiculous that was at the time but still felt hurt that he wanted to demean me. I never believed him, but it hurt anyway that he didn't love me. Now he is over 300 pounds and 6' but I have never told him he is fat, only 1/3rd of his lungs are working and he has had two heart attacks. I never wanted to make him feel bad about himself, nor did I do any revenge. I have the satisfaction that he never made me respond to him the way he spoke to me. I do, however, feel bad for him, his entire life was one of extreme tension to make himself emotionally taller, only causing him to become emotionally shorter. The stress level of my family was always very intense, they have all had heart attacks, our parents died of heart disease and now both brothers have had heart attacks but I have not yet. I am a strong believer that arrogance causes stress and stress causes heart disease.

Amazing. “ Reactive abuse” was me 20 years ago. I embraced Zen and the practice is with me for life. My reactive abuse stopped. The rest took another 18 -19 years. I’m free.

My ex husband of 30 years, used to take me to the point of me screaming at him...and recording me without me knowing...now he plays it to everybody, making me out as the crazy one, as he discarded me for yet another woman. Even using it in the divorce

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

So sorry you had to deal with that and for so long. I think there's no limit to how bad these people can be, how devious and duplicitous. It is so hard to expect it, because being relatively "normal" we wouldn't do those things, so when someone does, it's a terrible shock. I'm in the (hopefully) end stages of a g divorce myself out of a decades-long marriage, and shoes keep dropping. I feel like the N is a centipede, he's got so many shoes! But freedom is worth the effort, isn't it? At least now we have days where they aren't standing in front of us, terrorizing us simply with a look, making us wonder when it's coming.

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

Oh fuck, me too. It's awful. W nding hugs ❤️

@christineans4717

Жыл бұрын

More or less the same with me- but now he’s gone on to marry 2 more times, attempt suicide… now my kids are goading me. Silence is my best friend..

@renaissance5300

4 ай бұрын

what a sob sneaky creep I am happy for you that you are out of it 37 yrs in the spider web will get out blessings

I'm so glad to have a term to put with things that happened in my abusive relationship with a narcissist. For years I had alot of shame and guilt for the times I reached my breaking point and lashed out. After you've been walking on eggshells, letting things go that aren't right, and keeping your mouth shut to keep the peace, you do reach a point. I'm not proud of those moments, but I'm glad to understand it's all part of the abuse. It's you finally reacting to the horrible amount of abuse you've been enduring. And knowing that, I can find forgiveness for myself.

@chrisantoniou4366

Жыл бұрын

Having been in a similar situation, the first thing you need to understand is that thee is nothing to "forgive". Narcissists are master manipulators and know exactly which buttons to push to trigger a reaction from you. It's fine to regret "lashing out" or losing control and okay to breate yourself (a little) for losing contol, but forgiving yourself for being victimised?... NO!

@jennifertyler3648

Жыл бұрын

@@chrisantoniou4366 Agreed! No I just meant that I was able to give myself some understanding for lashing out, instead of feeling ashamed I had gotten to that point. 😊

@chrisantoniou4366

Жыл бұрын

@@jennifertyler3648 Good. It's important to keep firmly in mind who the perpetrator is and not to be too hard on yourself. 🙂👍

@skinnyway

Жыл бұрын

I was so relieved to have a name for my mother and father what they did to me my whole life. It was a first step in a long trail of learning who I really am. I have spent my whole life based on all of their Dont Do's that I havent a clue what its like to do those "Dont Do's" and have a little fun! I've done some things but mostly have lived a life of being holed up in whatever place I lived in unless I was at a job or classes afraid of stepping out and doing anything for fear I might get into trouble. I've been accused of doing much more than I ever really have done. By more than one person. everyone always wanted to keep me down and quiet so no one else ever focused on me. how brightly I must shine to have so many people hate me just for having been born and still breathing 52 years later. stay bright friend.

@jennifertyler3648

Жыл бұрын

@@skinnyway it's true, you really start learning about yourself once you identify what's going on. It's a good feeling 😊

So now I was tested and it is wonderful, I didn't get triggered by this scenario. This proves I have gone ahead in my recovery from their abuse.

@jamesmathews36912

Жыл бұрын

Good for you ❤️

@Cat-oj4oz

Жыл бұрын

Yes, ma'am! Good job! Your success is so inspiring to those of us who are still a work in progress...I love your story!

I come home incredibly stressed having worked 6am-9pm. I dread coming home when I’m stressed because I know he’s going to get frustrated if I’m upset at all and criticize me for being upset. I ask him for support and tell him I’m having a panic attack. He proceeds to criticize me for my anxiety, saying “You’re just ranting” “You’re always anxious” “It’s been 15 minutes you’re still upset”. He checks the time and constantly informs me that I’ve been having a panic attack for too long “it’s been 10 minutes, you’re going to go on all night now”. And as he criticizes, I feel worse and worse, until my anxiety reaches incredibly high levels and I go into the fight response and yell. When he keeps criticizing and I don’t get heard I panic more and then I lose my marbles. I literally smacked his legs from where I’d been laying on the floor trying to calm myself down as he criticized me. I told him I was done letting him get away with poking at me until I reacted. So now I’m just going to avoid him altogether. There’s no compassion comfort or empathy. He just dismisses me as crazy overly emotional and irrational. My feelings are an inconvenience to him. My needs are an inconvenience. I really believe marriage is the worst choice I could have made.

This should be great! Thank you Dr because the more I've become aware of this the more I see it with my own family. They will do this to manipulate and control you. I have a sister that will do absolutely anything to try to get some reactive abuse.

@Human_01

Жыл бұрын

_Also... To intelligent readers (who do 'not’ have a ‘pathological disregard for rationality and reality')_ I recommend researching 'narcissitic personality disorder' (NPD) / 'cluster-B'; and know that they are the 'root of all evil' (especially 'ESFJ/ESTJ-narcissits'; Myers-Briggs reference, look it up)! European 'ESFJ' are the worst personality type, and they are responsible for inventing 'racism' and colonization! It is in their neuro-psychology!! The are extremely 'manipulative' and often use 'looking pretty' to distract others from the witch's mind-games / mind-rape, e.g. gaslighting, playing the victim or damsel in distress, creating 'flying-monkeys', and paying others to attack (or at times kill) someone for her. When caught, she will use her minions as scapegoats. European ESFJ are notorious for this especially in a racist context, e.g. Elliott Till. ISFP (and ESFP) are the most complicit, narcissitic-enablers. ISFP also tend to be 'oblivious-codependants' (look up the definition). SUMMARY: Evil personality: ESFJ (ALL), ESTJ (cluster-b) [Secretly] Evil and narcissit-friendly gunts/flying-monkey: ISFP (ALL), ESFP (ALL). ☝️ALL of them are secretly emotionally-disturbed, hence their need to create conflict (and at other people's expense, truly evil). Spread the word! Thank you. ___________ #Save_Soil

@mitzicrowder2186

Жыл бұрын

I totally have this in my family,I thank God for this channel

@llkellenba

Жыл бұрын

In my family too - started with parents and siblings have now taken over the toxic relationship behaviors. Took me FOREVER to finally see the source of these dysfunctional toxic patterns. I sought to resolve it for years and my siblings have only an interest to externalize and appointment of scapegoats. Since I have tried to disengage quietly and politely so as not to evoke narcissistic attacks, I am now subjected to accusations of being impossible and the “crazy” one in the family for NOT playing along as usual. Shunning. And they have now aligned against me knowing full well my efforts to belong and desire for connection they essentially kicked me out of the family. One sister in particular is a ringleader but they’re all engaged in the jabbing and gloating about their families and saying we’re all getting along GREAT now (without you) is the message they keep texting to me. I even run into them in town and they act irritated and say how “busy” they are - can’t stop!

@susannakotoff7095

Жыл бұрын

@@Human_01 I definately agree, evil personality

This literally happened to me last night. I lost control. Reminder: the only response that works is silence and grey rock. Indifference is your most powerful weapon. It is your only weapon. I found out first hand yet again, the truth of this statement.

@sleeperno1215

Жыл бұрын

Update. I recovered and have been strict grey rock. She is already trying to love bomb me. No thank you.

@sirtedricwalker2979

Жыл бұрын

2nd BEST RESPONSE is NO CONTACT....it's called "Addition by Subtraction"

@mightymouse1005

Жыл бұрын

One thing I find that makes it easier for me....I play songs in my head. He'll be ranting and I'm bobbin my head to some song. He assumes I'm agreeing but I am silent jamming in my head... Most of my words in conversation are "yea, uh huh,, right, " while bobbin my head....yea, ok, right....

@khoango2337

Жыл бұрын

That and getting away and staying away , go no contact.

@sleeperno1215

Жыл бұрын

@@khoango2337 if only I did not have kids.

As I'm healing from a lifetime of abuse , I have very little time for pretenders or their games . I am now aware that I no longer need to pretend to be tolerant of so many behaviors . If I want to be out of this pretend world , I can't allow myself to pretend either . I'm quite surprised that I participated in this senseless parlay .

I just had this episode. My narcissistic roommate did this. He got me all riled up and I got in his face and I pushed him. He then calls 911. But it backfired on him because he threatened me in front of the police officer. So he is the one that got arrested. Karma worked this time.

For me the reactive abuse (yelling and raging myself and going off the rails when I was young) came from pent up anger from being on the receiving end of it. That stopped. What I find worse is my reactions to the control and 'monitoring' they do, the passive aggression and stone walling. The eye rolling huffing and puffing the sideways glances, the admonishment that I didn't do or say or act the right way, the condemnation and criticism and the walking on eggshells waiting for it. This really sets me off. I'm sick of being 'watched' and growing up with that lent itself to me watching myself and not BEING myself for featof the same. It's insidious control peppered with nasty critical comments. I often loose it as it feels like being prodded and poked and being edgy all the time. Then of course I look like the bad one. They just can't let you be yourself, the ultimate invalidation and it goes under the radar

@KatieMcNally-cb4fu

2 ай бұрын

Of course it's never criticism though, only a joke and you don't have a good sense of humour

Please send prayers for strength. I'm broken down from 20 years with my spouse & need to make him leave.

@lifewithapurpose237

Жыл бұрын

another viewer shared, go grey rock [stop giving *"SUPPLY"* ] and this will make them think it was their 💡 idea to leave. i add the D.E.E.P technique [ do not defend, engage, explain or personalize ]

@I_am_Lace

Жыл бұрын

@@lifewithapurpose237 Thank you for sharing this with me. I think this will be a good day to use this approach.

@I_am_Lace

Жыл бұрын

@cindykrista You are certainly in my thoughts & prayers. I will share any tips or advice that prove successful. My heart aches for anyone else living with a narcissist.

@marcamp5450

8 күн бұрын

Why make him leave? Save yourself and leave first. He has nothing you need anyway. Ask God for help. Pack a bag and leave. Best thing I ever did.

This happened in my family. I left home when I was 18 to get away because I was afraid that I would hurt one of my parents. They knew how to push my buttons and they had been abusive to me every way possible. I knew it was just a matter of time before I was going to hurt one of them so I left home. Later in life, I learned how to control my reactions because people kept trying to trigger me. They really love getting that reaction and gloating over it and calling you "crazy." And it works. People will think you're crazy. So yeah, you have to learn to walk away when someone tries to trigger you.

Only recently I realized all the emotional baggage I was carrying after years of "sucking it up" and "manning up". Some wanna be tough guys say mental health is overrated and an overused term people use as a cop out for their problems, which is true to an extent but I do believe we need to have self awareness of what, how, and why we think and feel the things we do.

@Human_01

Жыл бұрын

_Also... To intelligent readers (who do 'not’ have a ‘pathological disregard for rationality and reality')_ I recommend researching 'narcissitic personality disorder' (NPD) / 'cluster-B'; and know that they are the 'root of all evil' (especially 'ESFJ/ESTJ-narcissits'; Myers-Briggs reference, look it up)! European 'ESFJ' are the worst personality type, and they are responsible for inventing 'racism' and colonization! It is in their neuro-psychology!! The are extremely 'manipulative' and often use 'looking pretty' to distract others from the witch's mind-games / mind-rape, e.g. gaslighting, playing the victim or damsel in distress, creating 'flying-monkeys', and paying others to attack (or at times kill) someone for her. When caught, she will use her minions as scapegoats. European ESFJ are notorious for this especially in a racist context, e.g. Elliott Till. ISFP (and ESFP) are the most complicit, narcissitic-enablers. ISFP also tend to be 'oblivious-codependants' (look up the definition). SUMMARY: Evil personality: ESFJ (ALL), ESTJ (cluster-b) [Secretly] Evil and narcissit-friendly gunts/flying-monkey: ISFP (ALL), ESFP (ALL). ☝️ALL of them are secretly emotionally-disturbed, hence their need to create conflict (and at other people's expense, truly evil). Spread the word! Thank you. ___________ #Save_Soil

@tahiyamarome

Жыл бұрын

Those men are simply children who never became emotionally literate

@pballfan

Жыл бұрын

I'm pretty sure some people mistake stoicism with being disconnected from ones own feelings. It's not about that. It's about being able to push through the now despite the negative feelings and dealing with the negative feelings at a separate but safe time. Think of it as briefing/debriefing for a mission where you get to process and understand it all, removing the anxiety of confusion. The difference between stoics and people who push their emotions down is that stoics just understand how to compartmentalize more in order to get through hurdles.

@RN-gx7wt

Жыл бұрын

@@tahiyamarome Those women do not take any responsibility nor do they have any motivation (one sided (cognitive) empathy (add FOG,DARVO)) to get mature themselves (none existent) it’s males only in their dream world no objectivity possible, everything will exist outside of their fault, it’s basically them if you address the hold on please lines, simply because it must be men’s only, as if we all wear the same coat. These women exist and towards an extend that it isn’t funny anymore.

@tahiyamarome

Жыл бұрын

@@RN-gx7wt i'm sorry if by responding to male challenges posted i made it seem i was excluding women from the requirement to grow up and become emotionally literate. I do not. Men are wonderful, beautiful and filled with all the potential for wonder and grief that all humanity is born to. I believe women have far too often been enabled to be ruled by vanity and ego just as men have. As a species we all have a lot of growing up to do and we are responsible to one another to be honest but kind, forthcoming but not cruel, open but not passive. And those of us not trapped in the narcissistic labyrinth need to be very proactive and make sure that narc tactics fail wherever they are attempted. That takes courage and heavy-duty adulting and gets easier w practice. Good luck in your journey to the light. ❤

Nothing would thrill them more than using the authorities and the courts to have you taken away. Yep. I got that used against me my entire life.

My husband's abuser (close relative) came over to our home and stormed in and physically attacked him hoping he would hit her back. He did not, just grabbed her flailing arms and pushed her away from his face. But she called the police and claimed he hit her. The police interviewed all three of us. Unfortunately for her, they believed the truth we told them, and since in our state if the police have to come to a DV call someone will be charged, she was charged. Her plan totally backfired on her. Christ in him enabled him to not lash out at her and we are grateful for His protection. Still we are sorry for her and how she must be living in her own personal hell of her own creation every day. When she found out she was charged, she made death threats and now we have an order of protection. She has to go to DV/anger management classes. Unfortunately, after listening to Dr. Carter's talks, we don't think that will do much to help her. But at least we have a year of peace! Maybe (hopefully) longer since she is discarding us, too.

They give off that, “I got you.” Even if you just raise your voice.

My mother once drove me to a point where I was the one screaming, and then pretended to call the police on me to kick me out. This happened when I was 18 and worsened my trust-issues beyond repair. All that over a frozen pizza, and me not letting up And two days later, she acted like she was a loving important caregiver again. I don't think every narcissist does stuff like this completely intentionally, it's just that they are broken human beings.

The one I know will not allow a "grey rock" non-response, nor will he allow a response. Either way, you get criticized. "I told you that (whatever) and you just stared off into space. You only hear what you want to hear." When I tell him I hear every single thing he says, it's "No you don't, you ignore what you don't want to hear." But if I respond with, "I wasn't ignoring what you said, I just didn't know what you wanted me to do about it." Then he comes back with, "You don't have to DO anything about it. Can't I just tell you about something without you thinking you have to do something? All I can do is share information (gossip). I don't know what people WANT from me. I'm tired of always being the one to try to get along. You act like everyone else who thinks I'm supposed to do everything for them....." and he's off on a spiral of unrelated victimhood fantasy, and he'll talk for two hours, non-stop.

@patriciafry8634

Жыл бұрын

You can try to grey rock, and then ignore the criticism that that inspires. That is, grey rock the criticism as well. Try to leave the room, have an appointment, have work to do, etc…to divert or get away. If you keep on, over and over, not engaging (rather than responding defensively), maybe he will eventually tire and give up.

I have a family member who would snipe at me at every family get together, for no reason apparent to me, except upsetting me. It made going to these dinners very hard for me and my husband. It finally occurred to me that a normal sibling would enjoy my company and be kind. She would get a thug like glee if I argued back. Now, I just don’t go anymore. She was in the tristate area, did not tell me this at all, but visited our brother for a “reunion”. Only my brother told me about it. This kind of uncaring attitude by my sister is very typical of her. My response is to ignore the whole thing. Now…….she will not communicate with me at all. So, you do pay a price when you set limits and boundaries……often, you will lose any relationship with the narc at all. I’ve lost a sister, but, I am taking care of my own self respect.

@jerirasulo9543

Жыл бұрын

It can help to talk to them like you'd talk to a stranger speaking to you in such a rude manner. You can ask, 'Do you think what you just said was, polite' or loving or nice. 'did I do something to offend you in some way? 'if you're having a problem with me mb we can talk about it later or in private'. 'you're embarrassing me'. Things like that whereas you're not in sister mode but more like a new person demanding respect from a new person. It really catches them off guard. Try it😊

@winonahdemars579

Жыл бұрын

You probably never had her to begin with.

@susannakotoff7095

Жыл бұрын

my mil likes to snipe at me too, shes suppose to be a repecting elder, not

@wsurfs

Жыл бұрын

Good for YOU..!!

@janeskei676

Жыл бұрын

@@winonahdemars579 : True.

After I watched this I told the narc in my life that I never want to go back to the place where we bring out the worst in one another.

Sounds like my former supervisor . Although I did not react in an unhealthy way, I did speak out about the abuse. I don't think people should be silent. It did get me "laid off". I think that is unfortunate in this economy, but I feel so much better. Hopefully something better for me in the near future!

The police comes to mind when I watched this. We are at the point where that we have to record the interaction between the officer and the individual they pooled over. To hold these bad apples on the force accountable. Since officers that get fired can literally go a town or two over an get hired, because they don't do background checks on the officers that are hired.

@rosierb852

Жыл бұрын

Yes police are 3 on the list of careers for narcissist. I hate this world, the cops believed him over me. Even though I told them all the abuse I endured and now I afraid to reach out for help from DV organisations

My harsh reaction… one boundary. This family member who married our son , understands I will NEVER be alone with her even to the point that she would have an opportunity to quietly speak to me without someone else hearing. Her words and actions are always a set up for future meanness or condescending in the moment. Leaving me numb and disgusted. She is aware of it. I walk away!

@iys6890

Жыл бұрын

So vile!

So this would explain why I grew up to be so hyper vigilant, cynical, analytical and overthinking etc.

I was crying so hard and thought i went crazy after every discard. His ex killed herself. I understood why. Feel ashamed he pushed my buttons and i looked like a lunatic. I was not myself. And he needed that. He was sane. Women not. Creep.

@bekindpeas

Жыл бұрын

❤️ me too

You described my narcissistic brother! He is older than me and in our altercations as kids he would provoke me to the Edge until I hit him. That's when he could retaliate at Full force. I used to think my mom never understood this mechanisms, but recently I realized It was abuse by Proxy. Thanks, Dr., Your insights and approach always Help me!

@Human_01

Жыл бұрын

*COMPLICIT TO EVIL; HIGHLY CORRUPTIBLE PERSONALITY TYPES* ISFP and 'ESFP' (+ESFJ; Amber Heard) personality types are just as evil as narcissits! They are narcissit-friendly and have little control over their pointless mind - especially at the worst possible time! ESFP tend to be unapologetically stubborn-anything to avoid getting "upset" despite ALWAYS being 'emotionally-disturbed' (secretly; malicious-emotions is hidden just beneath the surface). They both unconsciously believe that other people exist to serve and be consumed by them-like a drug. All to balance the unstable chemicals in their brain responsible for emotions. The [ISFP] 'secrecy'/suspicious, introverted behaviour makes them try to remain convert - this manifests as a hidden [unintelligent] threat for other people later on (as when spotted and contacted by a narcissit, they will quickly comply as they have little emotional-resiliency and humanity). ISFP/ESFP embody what it means to be 'diabolically-unintelligent'! "Better you than me". A typical closet belief of the former. Worsened by ESFJ psychological-rape. Sad fact, Judas-Iscariot was definitely one of them (ISFP). His little humanity and small intelligence, resulted in the diabolical imbecile intentionally 'throwing Jesus under the bus' in a "moment of emotional vulnerability" (typical, whiney ISFP excuse) - only to end up regretting what he's done by the time he comes back to what little sanity he initially had. When I psychoanalyse this overgrown-fetus, I realize that he had a covert, malicious-jealousy complex, and was secretly emotionally-disturbed, and highly prone to 'oblivious-codependency' (look it up, that is classic ISFP psychology, which explains how r-tarded they really are. Education only helps them hide how intellectually-immature they really are). If your life was in danger, the more dire the situation is, you'd be better off making sure that the nearby ISFP/ESFP in the group is dead! This will maximize the likelihood of the group success/escape, as the ISFP cannot be trusted! They will likely do something r-tarded at the worst possible moment-getting themselves and everyone else killed (or the ISFP might panic and push a teammate under the bus as the ISFP feared getting sacrificed first- inexcusable, particularly since they ARE the threat, them and other narcissits _(ESFJ/ESFP are synonymous with cluster-b)._ These r-tards actually empower narcissits, especially during elections and for typically r-tarded reasons/motives). Anyway, ISFP/ESFP have little to no humanity (as an 'instinct'), and they are delusional [oblivious-codependent] and have difficulty understanding themselves (which says a lot about their intelligence), i.e. they have difficulty even recognizing their own emotions! Plus they often suppress it (too narcissitic to bother processing it). They really are walking, overgrown-fetuses- failed human beings! I bet Adam and especially Eve in the Bible were ISFP! They also typically have difficulty recognising evil and are often in relationships with narcissits! And then the ISFP will breed more victims into the toxic, tortuous relationship!

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Evil intent!

@corilemos7929

Жыл бұрын

My brother

@ihatestalkersbm9486

Жыл бұрын

Described it very good

The narcissist who makes a life with them worse than living a life in jail is walking a perilous path.

Also a narcissist will file a revenge restraining order. They are pure evil!

Nothing is as dehumanizing as experiencing the hell of wondering if you really are the bad person or loathing yourself to no end all because you reacted. They use it to control you later. I wish I could describe what it does to someone better, questioning your sanity/morals/self while being utterly controlled by someone who is using your reactions against you is a special kind of hell.

I am so ashamed of myself - I was the reactive abuser - the passive aggressive covert narc ex husband baited and pushed me to such horrendous limits. I screamed and shouted and ranted and raged and swore like a sailor. I thought I was going off my head. 14 years of insane marriage. Happy joyous and free since June 2017. Not one angry day since then and never ever lost any type of temper!

Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼

The day I did indeed do this was fortunately in front of 2 police officers and one pulled me aside and said... do that again and we will arrest you!!!! In tears I blurted out this is what he does daily and the officer knew exactly what she was dealing with! Her advice was to get a restraining order and once I found my inner strength to stand in front of a magistrate to air all my dirty laundry, the balance had changed into my favour!!!! Excellent words Dr Les Carter...

Grey rock method tips: avoid eye contact, speak in monotone voice, refuse taking the bait. Stop reacting, don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself, instead try to embark on you spiritual healing journey as soon as possible.

Reactive abuse is a familiar tactic. You have explained it well. The narc is good at starting up pointless drama that leads to anger and frustration. These creatures enjoy making their victims confused and explosive.

I call reactive abuse.. Self defense..

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

It is! You finally had enough abuse and you defend yourself. It's just evil. Thet know what they are doing.

@RN-gx7wt

Жыл бұрын

Contra productive, to beat them at their game is not to play it.

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

If you fight with them, they win. Self defense is learning to stay very, very calm, at least externally, stay rational, and not take the bait. You might see them begin to bounce around in different methods to try to find one to push you over, or project his behavior onto you. "Can't talk to you when you're hysterical." And then you laugh to yourself, because you won that one. Don't gloat in front of him.

@ladyd1614

Жыл бұрын

They are days I fell like that … u you want crazy then I’ll give you extreme craziness!

@ollia

Жыл бұрын

When I was physically stalked and threatened during a narc hoover I definitely took that shift in my attitude as self-defence. Sometimes it is.

The person I was involved with is a professor, CEO, and parent. They love-bombed me in cycles, extracting a convenient snapshot of my family history and political background. Later on, they disappeared, leaving me dumbfounded for weeks. I desperately tried to learn what had happened, but they refused to engage with me again. It was a mix of gaslighting and aggression on their end and reactive abuse on mine. The bottom line is, they got what they wanted in the most wicked manner, and I won't ever get it back. Think twice before being vulnerable with anyone, especially with those who portray themselves as the most righteous. Thread very carefully.

I went through this situation, and I thought I was going insane until I saw him grin at me in an argument. Not to mention the perception of what happened to me, how did I get that way? And trying to self reflect and be kind...turns out he knew exactly what he was doing.

Be aware of a narcissist that tries to apologize to you only to take them back/forgive them, but then turn around and blame you for it. It's never genuine with them! 💙KZreadr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

@RN-gx7wt

Жыл бұрын

Fauxpologies!

But once you learn to voyage, it’s like falling off a bicycle; once you’ve learned how, you never forget how, and even years and years later, you can get on a bike and fall right off as if it were only yesterday. E. J. GOLD

I definitely reacted that way to my narcissists.

Gee whiz. This talk made me realize that folks who have suffered chronic abuse can also fall into a temporary Reactive Psychosis because of it. Very enlightening yet terrifying. It's a comforting feeling to know that I'm working hard to stay on Team Healthy. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for helping me grow stronger with your shared wisdom and graceful, down-to-earth manner. 😇

@jalopenogardiner5323

Жыл бұрын

I am fighting reactive psychosis. Because after ending my relationship with my mother & becoming the target of relentless narsaicistic rage and constant attempts to get revenge. Constant attempts to provoke me by showing up at my home and refusing to leave. Over the last year. I have developed PTSD & my mental & physical health has suffered tremendously. Living in constant fear of her lying to law enforcement has gotten me to the point that my brain doesn't want to work. I just started a new job & my PTSD is debilitating. But I've got to make it work because I'm facing homelessness & starvation. I hope to find a good trauma recovery counselor with my second paycheck. Pray for me 🙏

@Cat-oj4oz

Жыл бұрын

temporary reactive psychosis...pretty serious stuff indeed...I will pray for you, Jalopeno...so many are in your situation; I cannot imagine trying to heal while just trying to stay alive...something in how you come across tells me you are a fighter and that one day you will be a leader...we are your family now...

@jalopenogardiner5323

Жыл бұрын

@@Cat-oj4oz Absolutely kitty cat 😂

@jalopenogardiner5323

Жыл бұрын

@@Cat-oj4oz Oh, I forgot to mention being stalked. That in itself can cause someone to expend the mental energy that could be & should be spent on the important things in my life. On having to live in fear & trying to anticipate the next time she's going to show up & refuse to leave. And having to focus on not being sucked into arguing over her endless gaslighting attempts that "my perception of her abusive behavior isn't right". The fact that that kind of gaslighting is abusive in itself is totally lost on her & is massively draining to defend against.

@Cat-oj4oz

Жыл бұрын

@@jalopenogardiner5323 I took a very dangerous path away from my mom, too...honestly, if there hadn't been a divine Hand guiding me, my life could have easily ended (I only realized God was with me all along much later); it was that important to zigzag and claw my way out. The dangers and uncertainties you will face will not be as treacherous as the one you're in right now with your mom; if I had stayed, I might have gone to prison and/or a mental hospital, so I do hear you...I wish you traveler's mercies...there are decent people who will help you, as they did me...

It helps just knowing there're people who know this exists. It's so exhausting when people fall for this and don't believe just because it doesn't happen to them. Everything can even happen from start to end right in front of them and they still don't understand

I treated the interaction with a narcissist as a threat and a verbal assault. I lodged a police report against the narcissist so they had a record in case of a repeat of the incident. I've never had contact with the narcissist again. It worked very well.

Oh my God this is what I’m dealing with to T… this is sickening. My life has been crushed my reputation destroyed. These people are sick.

They are determined to bring this out to the point of not recognizing your existence or who you are originally. They will certainly “ mimic “ ( gaslight) you until you are sucked dry completely and then they can take your very breath. Please keep growing and knowing WH0 you are and don’t stop in belief in everything you came to be… a HUMAN 💜💜💜🕊️

My brother continued to criticize my adult son until I did react. The result? He denied me access to our dying mother because I hurt his feelings. After she passed says later he asked me if I could ever forgive him. I said let’s try to move forward. Fast track 6 months later, he denied me entrance to our mother’s house to get her cookbook. Be careful who you choose for your guardian and power of attorney!

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Narcissists love power and control. They know how to insert themselves into a powerful role. I am so sorry. Too many siblings have the same story.

@Lilrumbles

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately they are always many steps ahead of you since the motivation of all their behavior is control. They will create a narrative to the relative with the estate that they are the only possible logical, responsible choice as executor/executrix to settle the estate. They’ve likely set you up repeatedly with reactive abuse to look unhinged too emotional to handle the division of an estate fairly. Years of smear campaigns and manipulation.

@bekind7913

Жыл бұрын

@@realhealing7802 Thank you. I loved him unconditionally my whole life. It was such a shock that he did this. He was in charge of our mother’s money as well. It should not come as a shock that he has two checkbooks.

@bekind7913

Жыл бұрын

@@Lilrumbles I’m so grateful that I found Dr. Carter. I was going for grief counseling, and my therapist recommended reconciliation. No way am I getting on the merry go round again!

@chrisantoniou4366

Жыл бұрын

The lesson here is that narcissist will NEVER change their ways. They have never made any mistakes, they will never apologise, and if they see you as a threat (perhaps you are more successful than they are) they will always seek to destroy you. The old adage of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." apples...

That setup was incredible for me, Dr. C! I literally just had the same thing happen to me. I convinced the police that it wasn't my fault. Bless everything and everyone struggling towards decency, civility, and respect! And especially bless the Doctor and Team Healthy.

The ongoing choices you get with a Narcissist is miserable, or more miserable. They have nothing else to give ever....and if it barely seems like they do, ....it's just another 'set up'. Leave and do not disclose any information about your life at all.....anything about you is enabling them to do more harm.

This is something that I now realize I need to work on. I have a strong personality and I stand up for myself and narcissistic people often made me react and then playing the victim. Unfortunately for me, the "system" took their side and I lost, even though I was in the right. Gray Rock and disengaging is the key.

@Kaligod3

Жыл бұрын

You sound like you could be a “super empath” you should look that up. Basically you go to war with narcs because you are so against their behavior. You can even mimic them and give them a taste of their own medicine if needed. Outsiders may see this behavior and think you are the problem, but it’s only a response.

@vladquebec

Жыл бұрын

@@Kaligod3 Thanks, I'll look it up.