*Don't judge someone until you are in their shoes and you are never in someone else's shoes*

Hello, I am a a dad that is desperate to rebuild a relationship with my 20 year old son. I think he will feel just as you have when watching this video. Thanks for sharing, I know it’s hard and at the same time it is healthy.

@josepablo911

Жыл бұрын

Hi! I am a 20 year old son desperate to rebuild a relationship with my dad. He is one hell of a person, the most noble, loyal and loving person you'll meet. We haven't had the best of relationships for the past few years, I don't know why we have distanced so much, I just know that I haven't helped. Tonight I hughed him and he didn't hughed me back, and I think that's what triggered me, tonight I realized just how bad things have gotten. I feel immensely guilty, and hurt, and sad, because I love him and I want him back, but I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him, I don't think I even have the courage to tell him. I hope you and your son are OK now, I wish you luck and send you love if you aren't. I just wanted to vent but if you have any advice I could really use it.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have a horrible relationship with my parents, especially my dad. Sounds like your dad had a very similar upbringing to my dad’s upbringing. I would love to chat with you sometime as I don’t have any friends I can talk to about the internal struggles I have. These struggles revolve around abuse, neglect, and getting my dad’s trauma cast into me during my upbringing. I’m really struggling as a 28 year old with all of this hurt and confusion. I cut contact with my parents off two years ago and things did get better. However I’m feeling empty and longing for a relationship with them even though I know they won’t change and they’re mired in their own dysfunction. I hope you see this because I’d love to speak with you more about this. Have a great day!

@ezrabaden6503

2 ай бұрын

Hope everything is alright man

Hi Ollie. I can relate to the strained relationship with your dad. I've also come to a point of forgiving him for how he is. I'm not sure about your dad, but my dad's a covert narcissist. He's never been abusive, but just doesn't genuinely care. He pretends to, but only ever thinks about himself. So last year I had to be honest with myself and admit that he doesn't love me. It was actually a beneficial thing, because I stopped expecting him to. I understand that some people are just born narcissists and can't help the way that they are.

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Hey Charl, nice to hear from you buddy! Sorry about the situation with your dad. As little as I sincerely know about narcissism, I am aware of how difficult it can be for those closest to them when they can't express or even feel genuine empathy. I think the distinction here is in the "can't" as opposed to "won't" because that helps us forgive and be at peace (although still keep yourself safe from their toxicity though ofc).

@charlheynike9619

3 жыл бұрын

@David Douglas that's messed up

Problem with me showing him that I forgive him and that I don't focus on his bad sides is that he fucking slowly goes worse again. This person has no concept of boundaries. And I do understand what you're saying, and I do think the same way "if I've been through the same..." but I'm not and I've got shit to do and live to life and he's not helping with his behaviour and honestly a big part of me doesn't buy it that I've been through way better tbh, maybe this is a big problem as well

Damn bro This is the real work… We can do meditations Mantras and go to caves in far off places But for me personally The most honourable work Is this

My mother got into psyche hospital when my twin brother and me were 9. Unfortunately she met her new „owner“ there who has narcissistic traits and out of fear of her going back to my dad, he influenced her and isolated her from us more and more. We have no had contact because he controls it. My father did not handle the breakup well and he became addicted to alcohol. It‘s though for a child when you „lose“ one parent, but it is fatal if the remaining parent is not functioning and not meeting the childs needs. The addiction made him become enotionally and physically abusive towards us because he became extremely irritable and aggressive. There was no save environment and I felt like I couldn’t be myself, I had to conceal my emotions to keep me save because it would trigger him into rage if I would „talk in the wrong tone“. It affects me still and it is still difficult to share my emotions at times, I have trust issues and low self esteem but my brother is way more mentally ill. In order to cope he had to dissociate from his emotions and he became a rather rational person over time. The lacking social skills led to repeated mistreatment from even the police. The abusive „owner“ of my mother was in contact with him and put more strain on him. Eventually he had a nervous breakdown and is now behaving in a schitzotypal way. He broke off contact to all my family members (he was no contact with my dad already), (probably leading up to the breakdown) I visited him (he is isolated, only leaves his flat if he absolutely has to) and I found him extremely distressed and paranoid, he thinks he is being watched and is hearing voices etc. I had to leave again, he lives a few hours away. Can‘t call him he removed the antenba out of his phone duo to paranoid believes. He is also very economically concious and a vegan, he has not ate in 5 days when I visited him and was malnourished. So I send him a package with healthy vegan foods, some items and a letter. I send two emails since but he is not responding. So yeah, I just wanted to paint the picture, how fatal circumstances can impact a childrens/teens/adults psyche. Especially repeated abuse and mistreatment. The relationship between my father and me has improved a lot. The „owner“ of my mother reached out yesterday via email to my dad, my mother wants to know what her „lost“ children are doing. I offered to call her, we‘ll see if he allows it. It is very difficult for me to navigate. If anyone has any input to what could help I‘d appreciate your perspectives.

Your experience, and choosing to share it, is valuable. When I first met my father, I was an adult. He was carrying a load of guilt for having abandoned his wife and five daughters many years before -- I was the youngest. At that meeting, I had the presence of mind to tell him, "I came here to meet you, not to judge you." I believe that went a long way with him. You're doing your part to accept your father as he is now. Relationships are always complex. What we have with our parents is usually the most revealing in helping us unpack the deepest mysteries within ourselves.

Whew this is beautiful. I'll be going back to my childhood home to live with my father. I just feel blessed for myself and everyone else who gets this very chance to heal. We are so blessed you guys.

Your so brave and lovely person. Thankyou for sharing your story. Ive had the same problems with my parents. I now realise that i always had friendships with older people to get the love that i didnt recieve.

Mhm, i lost my mom at 8, my brother and father are almost strangers to me. Been depressed my hole life, ugggh super hard...lately its been better, anyways. Thank you for your videos :)

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Sorry for your loss, Claudia. I've found comfort in accepting the challenge of helping bring my family closer together. It's the most noble aim I can think of. Maybe you can do the same 💚

Very touchy reality.

Very powerful Oliver. Thank you for your insights and healing.

it seems to me that everything in my life is sorted and stable, apart from my dad. Every day it's the cause of my stress. At times the situations makes me feel lower than anything else ever has. I don't know how to handle it, we never talk about anything remotely emotional. Talking about our relationship seems unthinkable.

@ezrabaden6503

2 ай бұрын

Exact same

Hi, this is the second of your videos to pop up for me at a helpful time, thank you. I'm a woman living in Ireland. My mom also passed away, when I was 5. My dad is an alcoholic. Back in January 2020, (pre pandemic here) he drank to the point of hospitalisation and really irreparably damaged his health. He would still be drinking today if not for his mobility issues keeping him mostly to his house. April 2022, he lied repeatedly and very transparently about having gone to a pub in secret. My sisters and I were really hurt. We've been so scared for him and sacrificing to keep him afloat financially. It felt irresponsible and inconsiderate of him. I haven't seen him since. We spoke once in December, the day after my mom's anniversary, when I told him I wouldn't be home for Christmas. I wasn't able or brave enough to tell him why: I don't want to be around him. I had a meditative experience once where I felt the kind of compassion you've described for your dad. I know my dad has been through more suffering than I know, he is addicted, and in pain. But I still feel a lot of resentment at the same time. I feel a lot of inner conflict between my empathy telling me he's doing the best he can, and my self-protective side wanting to keep away me from him. I don't really understand how I can feel both. Actually writing this has helped me realise that my brain equates caring about someone to running to their rescue. Which isn't truly helpful for either of us. Thank you for your help. I hope that in the time that's passed between when you posted this video and this comment that your relationship with your dad - and yourself - has flourished. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone.

@OliverCowlishaw

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing that, Avril. I could tell from reading this that you were connecting some dots and I'm glad that my video gave you the spark to do that. Addiction kills so much. Not just lives but also potential. It's extremely sad. Dr. Gabor Mate talks about it being an illness of the soul and I wholeheartedly agree. It takes courage and strength within ourselves to be empathic to an addicted person (they are in pain and trying to feel good) whilst at the same time remain present with our own feelings. It's a painful yet powerful path. Keep walking it and know that you aren't alone. I wish you growth

Very well said, great video

Thanks for sharing, i admire your courage to share very intimate stuff. Much appreciated!

So insightful. Thank you for sharing.

@OliverCowlishaw

3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

Thank you for the vulnerability ❤️

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much. Will focus on healing my relationship with my Dad. XO

Thanks for sharing this; a lot of it really resonated. Particularly about the inter generational wounding and seeing that he did his best in those circumstances. It’s easy to project my sense of my own failings onto him and hold resentment. You helped draw my attention to how he would be able to sense my resentment and then withdraws further. I can see I need to own this if I’m want to talk about it with him.

I'm glad that you're here to help people and all, I mean, that's what we're all here for and to do and you do seem pretty nice and all but what you sent me the other day made me feel really weirded out because I don't know you and I also don't feel very comfortable going to other people who I don't know for help. But hey, I hope you don't stop making videos for KZread anytime soon.

@OliverCowlishaw

2 жыл бұрын

Understood. Just keep watching my content and hopefully it will help.

Wow, I can relate. My father is the same way I understand what your going and gone through. I am glad u can see ur father as a human benign just trying the best he know how and accepting him for who he is.

Thanks, man, thanks.

Thanks for doing something I’ve been struggling to do for awhile, and that’s opening up about what’s going on inside to a vast audience. I realize that at the end of the day, certain aspects about my life are only present because of how I transmute the feelings that come with them. Thank you

Hey Oliver, just wanted to say thank you for this video. I’ve struggled for a long time with my relationship with my dad myself, and the pain and tension between us has been a huge strain on my life as a whole, and I know for him as well, especially being his only child. I’ve done a lot of inner work to try to heal my wounds with him and yet feel how much more there is to do. The last few days have been particularly challenging for me emotionally and I’ve been feeling powerless about how to move forward. In any case, I came across your video right away after searching for father son healing and very much related to what you said, and was quite inspired by your perspective about seeing your dad more for who he is than who he wasn’t. Something I very much needed to hear. I’d also like to say that despite all the KZread videos I’ve watched over the years I’ve never once been called to actually right a comment on a video, until now:). For what it’s worth, thank you. Thank you for your courage and your vulnerability in sharing this with everyone. 🙏👊

You've got an amazingly friendly and likable vibe for a person who's had a toxic parent/s. I find it super hard finding anyone who seems reasonable, who seems to be doing something with their life, who I can talk to about these things. It's either some people with messed up parents who take 0 responsibility and do nothing with their lives, laziness, etc. and I have -1 interest in talking with them or some go-getters who just can't relate a single bit or just seem to be over it somehow

Thank you for sharing your honest experience and I hope it helps me heal my relationship as well.

My heart goes out to you! Listening to this and hearing what you’ve been through. I’m sorry to hear about your mum.

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks Amy, I appreciate it

I have started doing some of my inner work. Came across your videos when searching for how to hold space for someone. I loved this video because I have had a difficult relationship with my father, and listening to your story I could not help but feel in your shoes and imagine having the same conversation with my father. It brought me to tears. I hope I can be that vulnerable with my father and hope he sees me. Thank you for all of your content. I appreciate what you are doing

@OliverCowlishaw

2 жыл бұрын

Thankyou

Thanks for speaking so openly, mate! You helped me to understand and appreciate my fathers life on another level. Especially that dialogue you’ve had - I feel like crossing this line finally with mine. ❤

@OliverCowlishaw

10 ай бұрын

Glad I could help

Ive been looking for ways to mend my relationship with my dad because we fight too often. I feel its because we are both too prideful. Thank you for sharing your experience and for the advice

Thank you for your courage to share your pain, raw honesty and your beautiful journey of healing. I resonate with so much of your experience, watching this was cathartic to me as I too have worked much on gaining insight, compassion and acceptance of my parents. Mine are both passed, it would have been nice to tell them I love them for trying to be the best people they could be in their given situations at that time. I’m happy you can still communicate with your father. Big hugs! 🤗

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Hey Terri! Good to hear from you again :) I'm really glad it helped in some way. I don't want these reflection videos to be self-indulgent, valueless rants. I want them to help other people in a similar situation gain a deeper and more meaningful insight. Sounds like it did that for you. MASSIVE hugs, Terri. Take care

@terrilynn6148

5 жыл бұрын

Oliver, you did not at all appear self indulgent or rambling. To the contrary, you tapped into your own pain for the benefit of others and shared your tools of how you’re healing that pain. In our world of illusions, to me, your authenticity was healing to me. I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous as well as studying Zen Buddhism (new at it as you know). In AA, we gather to share our experience, strength and hope with one another that we may not have to walk alone. Our experience is the pain and suffering we’ve had in life. It could be from long ago past or some bloody idiot that irritated us on the road that day. When we share that anger, pain, sadness or even joy, others can hear their stories of same emotions in our stories and know that they are not alone. Sometimes we think our suffering is unique, and we can isolate from the world and I know that for me, that leads to depression. So, when you were sharing, I was relating and I was feeling your feelings and you were not alone nor was I. And in those times that maybe we can’t relate to the experience being shared, we feel compassion. Which is a very healthy emotion. So no matter what your topic, Oliver, I am eager to hear more. Good, bad or indifferent, you have my audience. When in AA we share strength as you did last night, we share what tools we used to help get thru the experience or heal it. Those tools could be something as simple as remembering to eat a meal to something more complex like considering what a person has gone thru to become an unkind person, thus developing compassion for our victimizers, forgiving them and thus freeing ourselves from the chains of victimization. This is what you did in your video. Hope is what comes from hearing the experience and strength. You gave me hope last night. Forgiveness is a huge and difficult lifelong process for most of us esp when it comes to our parents. Your video brought some things for me around that. In my case, I blamed the wretched state of my entire life on the abuse they caused. In time, I have seen that I could not do that and had to be accountable to my own actions. But I had not forgiven my mother the narcissist. When I was 15 she was locked up in a mental ward for wanting to ax me up. That moment she told me that caused an event similar to yours-everything stopped in time and I became disoriented, and never fully recovered. My father had committed suicide at 14 and when she was hospitalized I was left alone for several months. When she came back she was cold and mean w no love or apologies and I left to live alone in San Francisco. Subsequently made many unhealthy choices that a child would make and blamed her throughout my adulthood as well dealing with it thru alcohol which almost killed me. The work I’ve done to be accountable came hard but I no longer blame her for my adult issues. After she passed, I took it further. I realized that her life, and her lineage caused her great suffering and she would have done better if she was at all able. The hardest part was the guilt I felt for the hate and blame I put on her in my heart and that I realized truly I had no one to blame for my life but myself. What an eye opener. I completely forgave her, but now I had to stop blaming and start living. I no longer live as a victim of anyone. That doesn’t mean I don’t default to that out of habit, but I usually catch myself after a good round of the fight in my heart. I come up with daily situations as well as the past (I have PTSD) that my mind tries to tell me to feel self pity, fear, anger etc over. Currently my ego is dealing with removing myself from a few toxic people in my world, and of course it caused all those feelings to come up, as I felt hurt by them. I am using my experience to know that my pain and suffering is real to me but also a choice. I know that I can forgive with compassion and don’t need to attach a label to my experience. I can move on. But the battle ensues in my mind. It’s back and forth. Like watching a tennis match lol! I drank a month ago and immediately became depressed. 7 days ago I sobered up. I had been blaming a few people for my drinking. I can’t do that. If I do, I’ll drink and die. So, forgiveness is imperative. When I watched your video last night before going to sleep, I resonated so much with everything you said. I felt your experience, heard your strength and I gleaned hope! I was dwelling in my morass of self pity when the Universe popped on Oliver’s share and it was exactly what I needed to hear! My heart felt relief. ❤️ Sorry for the long book response! But I just wanted you to know that whatever you share w us about your inner world, good, bad or indifferent, we all benefit from your courage to be human in a world that so often suppresses expression of our truths. You’re a gem Oliver! Have a beautiful day! 🙏🏽🌻✌🏽🤗 When we s

Great video.

Arrived here after watching your 'release trapped emotions' video, just wanted to say thank you...subscribed 👍

@OliverCowlishaw

4 жыл бұрын

Appreciate that man.

@steveb8269

4 жыл бұрын

@@OliverCowlishaw you're more than welcome

Very nice brother ..

That's fucking beautiful Oliver! It really hit home for me with my relationship with my parents and wife. Looking forward to watching more.

Hey Ollie, I hope you’re well mate Thank you for sharing, I’m feeling ya man. I can see you’re in a much better place & I’m glad your relationship with your father is flourishing :) Your sense of self awareness & wisdom for such a young bright man still amazes me. I’m wondering what your fathers response was. Did he show any vulnerability? I attract men who are energetically feminine. I’m sure there’s a number of reasons why but I think the main one is not wanting any kind of resemblance (energetically/characteristics) like my father because of how toxic he was... insecurities much? Lol But I love him because he is my dad. And I love you mate ❤️

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Oi oi Sara!! :D My father crumbled for a second and then reverted back to his habitual defence mechanisms and denial patterns (for his alcoholism = "I don't drink THAT much). I ought to have mentioned that in the video actually. You might be right. Only YOU can know for certain. It doesn't seem to be a simple, logical and predictable way that the mind attempts to heal itself. Myself, I repressed my masculinity for a long time because of how my father is. It's only recently that I'm reintegrating the masculine in an emotionally healthy way and it feels good! Basically, it's different for everyone. This is why I don't like to comment with certainty on another persons situation without talking to the person and seeing what they feel about it. And Sara, I love you too 💚

Last time I checked parents and children aren't equals. In my country regardless if my parents are crazy or dead wrong we still respect them and honor them because that is the way things are. My parents were really tough but they did their best. Also if there's parents who beat their children not spanking. Spanking and beating are two different things. There's nothing wrong with a good kick in the ass once in a while. But those parents shouldn't be parents. But my parents didn't coddle me nor should any parent coddle or spoil their child. They're creating monsters if they do. My parents beat the hell out of me when it was necessary. I had a roof over my head, I had food, I went to school. And I was expected to do good in school. So be a strict parent isnt bad. Being strict is seen as child abuse. Its not. I came out just fine.

2x Thumbs Up!

Irish and British Dads suck. They're so awkward round their sons, like you can tell your son they are loved and hug them!! Passed on from generation to generation and never go to Therapy to work thru it (Some don't KNOW there's anything wrong- and just become a covert Narcissist to survive- I believe)... This Makes for great men and the women are just as bad with their "Daddy issues" and "Stepford" Mums too!! Hence, I can not relate to them and their dissonance and lack of emotional maturity. I wish all men would do their inner work where they explore why they act, think and feel certain ways about things. It all stems from a damaged, hurt, emotionally neglected inner child. I done my digging for my co dependacy issues. I have greater self mastery and am self sufficient but on the other hand.. no man or woman is an island. 😂 I feel like a new woman. Born again and parented the way I deserve by MYSELF. I forgave them in a memory meditation (going back in my head the time where I felt undermined and not heard) for them "not knowing any better" the impact those words would have on me (self confidence, esteem, worth etc) for the rest of my life. Its exhausting being a parent. I choose not to, thought I'd be a shit parent. No regrets. At the end of the day Our parents fuck us up... Just be happy if it wasn't intentionally is my motto! I adore your psychological self exploration...YES! Go you! 🤸🤘🤗

@OliverCowlishaw

5 жыл бұрын

Bit of a generalization but I see your point! ;) + 1 for inner child work. A wounded inner child usually feeds the codependency too (as it does with me). I'm glad that through the inner work you've come to a better place within yourself. As a parent you're setting a good example too. Thanks for commenting

Recipe for a fucked up Father and Son relationship: Make the son gay and sensitive and let the father be a great mixture of Absent, Harsh, Abusive. Mix the ingredients together nicely for the first 13 years of the sons life. Then when the son turns 13, make the father judge and shame his sexuality and then incarcerate the father for 10 years directly after he inflicts massive emotional and physical pain that will affect the son into his adult years...... Then once the father is released from prison, have him be petty and even more judgmental of his son because he does not agree with his life choices and is overall disappointed. Lastly, finally give the son the courage to call out how fucked up his childhood was because of his narccisstict father. Let the father feel bad for what he has done but refuse to apologize to his son. Let the estranged relationship simmer for a few more days and then take it the fuck out of the oven. It should be burned completely.......

Well that relationship was returning you anyway. Your dad was keeping you a child

Women with masculine traits, are we talking femdom here?