You can honor your parents and your siblings by praying for them and willing their good. You don’t have to be in a relationship with them if they hurt you emotionally and mentally, but still you can honor them by praying for them. God bless!

@adammcneilly2510

Жыл бұрын

So true! Well said.

A little annoying how the doctor constantly interrupts and cuts off his guest but his content seems helpful

I went no contact with my narcissistic abusive father several years ago. I do not call, I do not take calls. He is blocked on Facebook. I have left Twitter open to him and he will at times send me messages through that. The only reason I have left that open is because I have one living grandmother left and if something were to happen to her I would want to know. I do not speak with her either because she lives with him and defends him. He guilt trips, he talks badly about me and my son to others, and he passive aggressive, he is a master gaslighter. I got to the point where I realized, it doesn't matter if this man is my father or not, he is toxic and the best way for me to honor him is to never be like him and to love him from a distance so that I am not mean to him. Any contact I have turns into a fight and it makes me filled with so much anger and resentment because there is zero reasoning with him. So, instead of turning vicious toward him, I just do not speak to him. I worry at times what will happen when he dies, how I will feel, but for now, I feel no remorse and no guilt because my life is peaceful without him in it.

I totally understand because I've experienced the same distancing from my brother due to all the badmouthing from my parents. In my case I just have an extremely shallow relationship with them because I realized they are liars. I didn't know what kind of people my parents were until I was in my 40s. I couldn't believe you can live in the same house for 20 years with someone and still have no idea what they are all about. It was a shock to me, and I had to make peace with the fact that my family really never loved me but I have a God who is more than enough to supply every single need in my life; physical, spiritual and emotional. And He is amazing. I discover more and more wonderful things about Him each day.

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

I’m 40 and could not even choose the color that I want for my car (that I paid for) without my mother’s approval.

The fact that among her first words were 'I was an accident...' tells you all you need to know about the toxicity and low emotional intelligence of her parents.

@kristinaolson77

Жыл бұрын

This is so loving and emphathetic. Thank you. This moved me to not realize what I had not realized before.

@the51project

Жыл бұрын

@@kristinaolson77 I'm guessing this is you talking? I went no-contact with my surviving toxic parent, my covert-narcissist mother who has created a narcissist in my brother and a scapegoat in me. She doesn't want an adult, she wants an eternal child (in me). I went no contact at 52 years old - 6 years ago now. We're in different countries, but I discovered 6 years ago she had hidden some college certificates from me, when I was traveling in New Zealand and decided I wanted to live there (when I was 30). She told me the originals got 'lost in the post' back then, and by the time I got copies, my chance to make a life for myself in New Zealand wasn't possible when my 30'th birthday passed and due to the immigration points system, I lost a few points for my new age and couldn't emigrate. I only understood what narcissism and toxic family systems really were 7 or so years ago, and it took me a year of study - and the forgotten truth about my stolen chance of a life in New Zealand coming to the fore (she actually sent me the original 'lost' college certificates that she forgot had go lost in the post 20+ years earlier). I've seen toxic narcissism repeat itself with my brother in his family - his wife is co-dependant, and he has created one golden child and one scapegoat - just the same pattern repeating. Just listening again - can hear your tears - it's just patterns repeating in families - my parents were the way they were because their family system created it in them - the same toxic narcissist family system has repeated with my brother in his family, and a lot of damage has repeated in my life. It damaged my life greatly. The only thing to do it break the cycle. You cannot fix it (I remember thinking I could when I didn't recognise the problem) - you can just interrupt the pattern on your own and start a new pattern in your own family and life. All the best to you. The only regret I have is not walking away from my birth family when I was 25 - and I 'was not allowed' to attend my own grandfather's funeral. As human beings we are programmable - and we are programmed the most by our families when we are young - and those patterns are very hard to break - especially if the forced programming is 'intentional disempowerment' - which toxic narcissist parents can do to us. It steals you life - but it's not their life to steal - get away and stay away. Life is very short..Too short to let your parent(s) take your own life from you - which is frankly despicable. It's unconscious on their part - part of their own programming - but ou have a right to your own life, and it doesn't come back when it's gone - so seize your own life. "Forgive them, they know not what they do." - narcissists have no clue what they are doing is wrong - they are completely below the veil of conscious awareness. They will always believe they have a right to do what they do - but they have no right to control or project onto others... I don't bare any bitternesss to my family any more (I did go through one year of bringing up a lot of repressed anger)- but I do recognise it's a broken system, and it always wil be - and if I entangle myself in it again - old patterns in my own mind will get triggered. Having travelled and lived abroad when I was in my 20's for a couple of years, then 'coming home' - I changed 'back to the person I was' when I went home. I lost some of the personal strength I'd gained away from 'the family system'.. Has taken me 30 years to figure it all out... after 6 years no contact - it was the best decision I could have made. My only regret was not doing it 30 years sooner...

I chose to end a relationship with a toxic, narcissistic biological father many years ago. He pulled the reigns with his entire side of the family, making me out to be a disrespectful daughter, once I started speaking out against the way he treated me. Difficult because he is my bio dad, however my stepdad and mom raised me, so he sort of feels like a long distance uncle who claims to be my father. Walking away from a relationship with him was one of the best decisions I ever made!

@milahwright2401

2 жыл бұрын

I fully understand how you feel. My bio father walked in to my life uninvited 1 & 1/2 yrs ago. He moved in my community after meeting one time. I am not dealing with his presence too well. I don't really like the person he is. I tried being respectful but the more he comes around the more he asks of my time and attention I get resentful and anger stirs up in me. I have tried to find counseling to help me with no avail. I am so glad you were able to walk away with a clear conscience.

@justniki77jn

13 күн бұрын

@@milahwright2401I say this with love, you get to set boundaries on your time and attention. If you can only peacefully send 1 hour a week with him then that’s the boundary you set. If he doesn’t take that very well, that’s on him not you. You cannot control his reaction to a boundary you need to set to keep the peace.

@milahwright2401

4 күн бұрын

@@justniki77jn thank you! Some that haven't walked this road are quick to say "but he's your father ". Yeah and .. I managed 34 years without him I think I will be okay.

@justniki77jn

4 күн бұрын

@@milahwright2401 if I might add, I read a book called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst and also (mostly, I’m not finished yet) worked through the journal that goes with it. It’s faith based but helps work through the hurt that we haven’t healed from yet. I’m about to start a book and workbook by Dr. Henry Cloud called Changes That Heal. I have very deep wounds to heal from. It takes time, work and a whole lot of grace! It helps to have a close group of friends to also talk to about what’s going on in your heart. These friends need to be non judgmental, this is very important because if you talk with someone who will negate your feelings/experiences, this will lead to you not wanting to talk about it. It’s been my experience that I have had to talk a lot about the hurt that has run so very deep in my heart. I am healing ❤️‍🩹 but it has taken a couple of years to get where I am today, and I am still doing the work to be the best version of me that I can be. It’s been a tough journey but so worth it!

When I said I was an adult, they said - "I'm not" oh geez. Lol. enough said. Typical of anyone who doesn't respect boundaries. Been my life story with parents and people but I'm improving!!

How can Dr Cloud only have 45K followers? It should be millions.

@artandculture5262

2 жыл бұрын

I didn’t know he had a channel.

The parents will gossip & say things like,"what a horrible daughter for not telling us she moved!" The parents ongoing narrative is"What crappy kids we had!" Telling everyone this & never taking responsibility for their abuse n neglect. They treat us like awful adult children no matter what we say or do. They are narcissistic & are blind or pretend to be blind to the their past abuse playing any part in the dysfunctional dynamic

I needed this (and more). Thank you! A very good conversation! I need to understand how to help struggling family that has openness to changing but triangulates…. And more. It’s a complicated mess.

If your brothers turn on you. THEY CANNOT BE TRUSTED. FULL STOP.

I can so relate! This makes me hate the scripture honor your mother and father even when they are toxic and abusive. So sad.

@heatherbrady6679

Жыл бұрын

I've heard Henry Cloud say that scripture applies to children. Basically mind your parents etc. You don't have to honor abusive people.

In the way that I understand it, God wants us to live an ABUNDANT life. My narcissistic father chose to cut me out of his life. I chose to cut my narcissistic mother out of my life. God doesn't condone abuse and narcissistic parents ABUSE their children! Abuse and control is not love. I'm praying for your healing Christina. I pray that you can find the support network who will lift you up and help you to be the person you DESERVE to be. I pray that you find out who you are, what you stand for, what you love and don't love. It is just SO LIBERATING, as a person who has gone no contact from her parents who are also narcissistic. It takes work that can be really difficult at times but it is just SO WORTH IT to be able to LIVE YOUR LIFE the way YOU want to! I will never disclose where I am now living to my parents. I would rather them not know where I am. Having a relationship with my mother and her flying monkey of a husband is not on the agenda. I left due to abuse and I'm NOT going back!

I've had to let go of family due to similar issues. I'm not alone. I have a few other siblings that also choose not to communicate with our mother. Actually it was my mother's choice to stop communicating with me. I've even called to wish her happy Mother's day & no answer or return call. I can't let that stop me from living my life. My kids even tried a relationship with her & they didn't enjoy being bullied by her. So they're okay without contact. They're adults now & decided for themselves. They had substitute grandparents at church.

@bumblinagirl2683

2 жыл бұрын

My mom pulled away also. She didn't tolerate my healthy boundaries. Substitute grandparents from church have been WONDERFUL for my 7 and 9 year old kids. Bless them all!

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

@Oilofmercy

Жыл бұрын

@@bumblinagirl2683 wow what a blessing. Good for you. Inspiring. God provides

I missed this live show. I will call in soon. Thank you, Dr. Cloud for your excellent perspective on this topic of toxic parents. Toxic grown children too.

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

I feel your pain and you’re not alone. They have given us nothing to honour. I’d say listen to what God is asking you to do. We honour them by forgiving them that does not mean we they must stay in our lives. Give it to God I’m sorry you’re going through this. I promise it will get better 🙏🏽

Grateful I heard this today. Agreeing that toxicity applies to not only parents, but adult children as well. Hard to say this, it’s true with one of my two children. The healthy adult child tries to mediate, but the oldest will not reciprocate, which hurts my daughter and me no matter what we’ve tried. In the end, he’s carved out his own toxic way and agenda to keep…. Yet, God is still in control. He knows the end from the beginning 🙏💝

Really appreciate you Dr Henry Cloud!! 💖👍

Why would she be advised to tell her parents that she wants a relationship with people she clearly doesn't want a relationship with? What's wrong with this man? Emotional injury is real.

I've been in a similar situation. I can feel her pain. I hope and pray her circumstances have improved and she has taken back her power. Dr. Clould you do a great job. This helped me too.

Raising my hand!👋

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

@kellyhummingbird

Жыл бұрын

me too!

Now i understand! 6 months after cutting off my sister, I felt compelled to bring it up to my brother. He said something to her and she immediately tried to apologize and pull me back into the cycle. I told her I had forgiven her, but it ended. She blew up and i felt so good! It's been 7ish years and while I sometimes miss our relationship, all it takes is a reminder from family. She's still verbally abusive to everyone else, i just wont tolerate it anymore. When I was pregnant, she lashed out and i put it out on social media. She actually apologized!!! It was out of peer pressure, and not likely sincere, but still surprised me.

@bumblinagirl2683

2 жыл бұрын

The reminders from family are very helpful reminders. Only my little brother is willing and able to be in touch with me, also. Once in a while he shares the ongoing drama, victim issues, shenanigans from the family who rejected me after I set a healthy boundary. Great reminder to know the choice to stay out is still sound.👌🏼

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

I’m new to this channel and can relate 100% with my family ! Thank you for the questions and the chat 🙏🙏🙏

8:30 - she explains the situation Very well. 9:06 - she "never had a good relationship with her mother". (OH this burns me.). THOSE parents should be THANKFUL That woman isn't... 11:05 - That. Brother!!! "will be an excellent gas-lighter" As Well. 11:20 - 38, going on 12 14:54 - I Wish, I Pray, I Desire GREATLY... to. have. my. own. life. What does that feel like... to have... Life. (?) What does it feel like to have your own life?

How about a toxic parent in law?

@sriku1000

2 жыл бұрын

A great video on How Bad parents are made kzread.info/dash/bejne/qJirtJishrXbnM4.html

@legalfictionnaturalfact3969

2 жыл бұрын

Arent those fun? Cut mine off. None of my kids nor the one on the way will be around their bs now. Feels great. Much improved.

Appreciate this call.

❤❤❤ Bless you ❤❤❤ it is not easy... Be Strong...

What about holidays and birthdays can you contact them for those is it best not to (with no contact)

Can you present an episode about toxic parents that have passed away?

👏 👏 👏

Dr., this is coming from a place of love-don’t interrupt your guests. It’s terribly irritating and frustrating for people who are trying to express and communicate. You interrupt when your guest was in the middle of explaining her thoughts and your comments and questions add no value. It was very hard to get through this video as a listener. You can do better.

@doll.ov.poetrii4682

Жыл бұрын

💯

@j1s1us

8 ай бұрын

What? You could use some humility. Everyone doesn't think like you. I know I don't. In my opinion, he was helpful and his help was needed. So I don't think you are in a place to correct and advise Dr. Cloud.

@brandyk

Ай бұрын

​@@j1s1us I don't think Dr. Cloud is above or would even mind some constructive criticism or someone expressing their opinion. I may have phrased it a little kinder but it wasn't disrespectful in my opinion. That is what the comments section is for. Not every comment needs to praise his advice n handling of the call or agree or disagree with the caller or share our own related story. I think there's room for all of it n I imagine Dr. Cloud periodically reflects on the calls n thinks he's handled some better than others. It is after all live n no one is perfect.

This girl doesn’t seem to handle being an adult. But yes, if nothing else, tell them your moving.

There is no man in the sky. Telling children there is is abusive.

@dotsyjmaher

2 жыл бұрын

GOD is not a man...GOD is spirit

@dotsyjmaher

2 жыл бұрын

BTW one does not need to tell children...they instinctively KNOW

@legalfictionnaturalfact3969

2 жыл бұрын

@@dotsyjmaher indeed, children know there's no magic man in the sky. telling them otherwise is lying. not very nice. lol

@jesusislord229

Жыл бұрын

@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Nope!

You interrupt too much