Learning about this changed my life. I did all of these in most of my relationships without realising. I thought it was normal, now I realise the damage this does and try to be very self conscious when communicating. It’s literally abuse to behave like the four horse men. Hurts me to think how many people I hurt deeply behaving like that without realising, awful

Wow... I really resonate with defensiveness. I feel like I so often resort to this because I don't want to take responsibility for my own actions. I know this is something I can work on.... very helpful!

@akuasalaam490

2 жыл бұрын

Self Awareness is key... Wish you the best!

"forget it" - hate that one

@miranda6738

2 жыл бұрын

Me too 😪

@KateLate____

Жыл бұрын

When someone says forget it, they've given up on the idea that you're willing to have a constructive discussion with them.

@StuartBrown-uc2ch

11 ай бұрын

I think you'll find !

@eamonnmunroe6102

11 ай бұрын

You know it's just like flicking through a 12 step program, but starting from step 12 and going back to 1. I say there's those one's I don't like aswell, you can't just have it all your own way and steal every step

this really helped actually because i was ina tough time in my relationship about 2 years into the relationship we kept having arguments and i was always such an idiot name calling and she would stone wall me but 2 years later and were still together with no arguments and advice like this helped

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

i suffer from contempt and it's eating me alive. i dont want to feel superior but i do. i treat him with respect consciously but at times im just so frustrated.

@Jennifer-fk8kb

2 жыл бұрын

I feel the same. Very internally frustrated but try to be respectful. What is it you are frustrated with? Just asking as I don’t know many people that can relate.

@designbydraq

3 ай бұрын

Izin jawab pake bahasa Indo ya kak Mungkin banyak dari kita melihat pasangan dengan perandaian, ekspektasi ideal atau harus menjadi lebih dari sekarang. Mungkin kalau kakak liat kalau manusia itu sejatinya tempat melakukan kesalahan, kita bisa apresiasi bahwa mereka udah mencoba terbaik versi mereka & sedikit apresiasi tidak membuat seseorang berkepala besar, melainkan bisa menyadari & memotivasi pasangan

@gummislayer1969

2 ай бұрын

@@designbydraqTHIS (in English!!!). 💙👏🏾🙏

@designbydraq

2 ай бұрын

@@gummislayer1969 thanks bruv. glad you found my comment useful

@gummislayer1969

2 ай бұрын

@@designbydraq I did, indeed!!! 🤓 💙 👊🏾

I absolutely appreciated how you not only shared the four horsemen and explained them, but also that there is a way to get better/resolve the problem. It gave me so much hope! Thank you.

I like the 'take a break for 20 minutes' and then attack again, concept.

These are relationship killers for sure. Working through these take patients, mindfulness of the fact that they're even happening, and the ability to apologize and forgive 🙏

These are great concepts worth going deeper in. I first read about the 4 horsemen in a very good marriage and relationship college textbook and the concept stuck with me.

@preeanithefirst366

Жыл бұрын

Please can you tell me the name of the textbook?

In my 20 years as a marriage & family therapist, I found the 4 Horsemen matrix to be true time and time again. Toxic words and/a negative attitude towards a partner really come down to disrespecting the person, and we all that is downright wrong. Psalm 34:13 says to: "keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies." I tell people to make a mind shift in a moment of anger; voice your feelings with kindness, but in truth. Remember to speak aloud to your spouse something about his/her character for which you are grateful. Considering others before myself can make for a far more humble and grateful heart. With love from Your Nana

@Peecgroave

5 жыл бұрын

Nanafor Christ I find the only way to not get hurt in arguments is to defend and counter and that’s how life works you don’t let a bullet hit you in the face you attempt to dodge and attack your attacker if you let life stomp over you you’ll get hurt and I don’t let people hurt me

@karinacarvajal9919

3 жыл бұрын

@@Peecgroave not sure if you’re in a relationship now. It doesn’t work like that in a mature partnership, you wouldn’t want someone to attack you every time you have a concern. Just how they want to be listened so do you. you can stop the cycle of attacking and instead listen without feeling like they’re about to screw you over. You probably had an authority figure who didnt listen to you and they only defended and attacked so you feel like you have to do the same in order to be heard. You can be heard without making defending the priority but actually working on it. You’ll have to finally find accountability in anything and you’ll have to tell your partner to do the same. If not, no relationship will not last because you didn’t learn how to resolve conflict or how to get a need met. Also lots of build up resentment because you’re making yourself a victim instead of working for a healthy relationship. I’m speaking from experience, I was super defending. Then I realize I wasn’t being heard and neither my partner. We weren’t actually working for the relationship but ourselves and trauma. Also you wouldn’t like to be with someone who can’t listen and takes accountability. Hopefully you can find someone who can do that so you both create a safe space to express.

@magdalenadandu7242

4 ай бұрын

Hi Nana, what if the horsemen are present during courtship? Is it better to get out of this relationship?

Great to see this in a simple and clear format!

I wish I could feel worthy of the love a man is beginning to have for me. I just become emotionally shut off, especially by negativity with the idea of rivalry with other women.

These are my mother's primary modes of communication. This explains a lot about this family..

@danielmonarrez6029

Жыл бұрын

in my sleep i yell princess

I’m so guilty of this!!! My whole life this is how my parents treated me. And still do. So I fall in this trap as a wife to my husband. I try really hard not to, but it’s so frustrating that people do this to me, and then I do it to them and feel even worse about myself for being like this.

This will be a great video to share with my clients. In my practice, I help couples break communication barriers that they face in their marriage and recognizing these negative patterns.

@danielmonarrez6029

Жыл бұрын

I don't see people like its best they have been towards a rough time know people who never liked going to a therapist a waste of time its why we see them going to golf courses or gyms are best to take off their inner self-esteem working out an example daffy duck likes to get gang bangers yelling stuff about me what are those places spas have those toilets to drown themselves spas or gyms have those saunas or steamers

I wish you guys would do something like this video for parents with teenagers

@deeppurple883

11 ай бұрын

Parents full stop. 👊

That was great! So concise and well done. Thank you.

Thank you this opened my mind to learn what to focus on

Man I do all this shit... I haven't even started dating yet and I feel like I'm failing lol

@atli126

4 жыл бұрын

So now that you know. You can fix it before you have serious problems later

@lipsohlips97

4 жыл бұрын

@@atli126 Easier said then done but yes!

@lipsohlips97

4 жыл бұрын

@@atli126 I grew up with this behavior so often it felt like there was no other way to fight then to fight dirty :/

@Ramynnoodles

3 жыл бұрын

I feel you, i think my childhood and the way love was taught to me in different forms has skewed my pov. I treat others with love and respect as long as it’s shown to me as well and not taken for advantage but the people I do allow in my life and speak to consistently sometimes anger me to a whole new level. I expect them to see things the same way I see them, logically, I hear them come to me to vent and I offer obvious solutions to me but it’s taken poorly and sometimes I resort to sarcasm and repeating myself if not listened to and when they come to me still upset about the same thing. It’s one thing to know all that effects your relationships with loved ones and anyone else but it’s another thing breaking those bad habits and creating new ones. it’s also the environment, I remember when I first started realizing what affected me and started taking steps to mend my behavior and my parents would look at me and say something like “what are you trying to get?” or “he wants something” as hard as those words may sting you need to brush them off. you’re stronger than that, let your actions speak for you instead of your speech, most of the time the first thing that comes to your mind is the wrong things to say so take time and realize that although logical it may not be the right way to come about

@CommentorX

3 жыл бұрын

Well then don't date. Become a racist, misogynist incel. The Republican party needs your vote.

Very compelling analysis, Dr. Gottman

If only I could go back and explain this to my younger self … I learned the hard way but at least I learned lmao

can you PLEASEEEEE make more of these videos. This might be the most useful teaching tool I have ever found. I love this. More please.

@berrygonebad4371

6 жыл бұрын

Sara Oliveri gottman wrote a couple of amazing books if you want to get more of such content :)

@jhonnybravo4065

11 ай бұрын

@sara I will my love

i always say “forget it”..! i need to change that!!

@charlotteborrell4562

3 ай бұрын

me too!

Yeah I’m a defensive stonewaller. I have gotten much better about the defensiveness by accepting responsibility for my actions even when they suck. Stonewalling is difficult because I never really learned how to deal with conflict growing up or in adult relationships.

I like this very amazing and informative, I listen over and over again , I like the way you put the relationship, master as opposed to disaster , these little things can either break or make relationship as you so put it. Thank you

What simple wonderful information.

Awesome video! helped me so much with my PSCH 200 class

Awesome insight and help!

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

That's why i always wonder how can my parents be still together after 40 years.They show each and every of these behaviour

@stevendromgool9882

7 жыл бұрын

These behaviours show up even in good relationships - what matters is how the couple repairs the breach

@KofRadamanth

6 жыл бұрын

What's not really mentioned in this video, although the Gottman Institute has found it too is that a relationship can still go on even when the 4 Horsemen behaviors are running rampant, but it won't be a good relationship. Some relationships persist even long after they have turned into problematic or even (bi or unilaterally) abusive affairs.

@genjochetz3663

5 жыл бұрын

Maybe the sex is amazing?

@CL-fs3kt

4 жыл бұрын

Serena Rossi Some relationships need chaos...it’s not healthy but no two people are perfect. My guess is they have a huge bickering problem but love each other 🤷🏻‍♀️ it does happen, even in the best of relationships.

@KateLate____

Жыл бұрын

Mine too. Some people are just committed to never divorcing. Not really committed to making sure their marriage is happy.

0:00-0:15 this part made me cry when I hear this negative phrase on my situation. 😢

This really help thanks because I was in a relationship and all we did was argue and I kept wondering why or where is the problem thanks for sharing

Any tips on dealing with a partner who grew up in a culture where criticism and contempt are considered good?

@MaryHernandez-lq8kq

4 жыл бұрын

What culture??

@deathrow5581

3 жыл бұрын

Arab culture by any chance??

@aphrolith7676

3 жыл бұрын

Asian.

quite informative

This is super simple. Thank you. I had all 4 in my mareiage. I was stone walling. My ex husband was doing the other 3. It is so sad. 😢

A great tool to help one another emphasize is to share a common emotional experience. LSD or Psilocybin tend to work well 🤩.

This video is very helpful, I have definitely showed all four of these concepts in my marriage,(married four years) I've forward it to my husband Thanks Dr. Gottman you're a blessing

@svasianfilipiname6603

5 жыл бұрын

You don't have to forward anthing! If he isn't stupid, he should be able to figure things out himself!

@triznad

5 жыл бұрын

Isn’t that showing contempt to her husband?

@Roodsteam

4 жыл бұрын

@@svasianfilipiname6603 what a stupid comment "figuring out himself" a relationship is there to help each other and sometimes even with the obvious. No wonder why all your relationships fail suze.

@svasianfilipiname6603

4 жыл бұрын

@@Roodsteam They're not actually. I'm with somebody right now. I made this comment a year ago and this one I'm with GETS ME and I finally feel like I have a matured man by my side, so lol you got it wrong! All I was saying is that if someone knew you and cared about you, they'd be OBSERVANT of your feelings and know where you stand! Of course I'm not talking about reading your mind or having them GUESS stuff! Anyway, thanks for trying to humiliate me but sorry it didn't work! I'm happily taken bitch!

@pinds83

Жыл бұрын

@@triznad I see your comment was left years ago, but I have to ask, why do you think showing this to her husband as a way of admitting her faults is showing contempt? She isn't saying he does this things, she's saying SHE does them.

What’s wrong? “It doesn’t matter I don’t want to fight” just realized this is stonewalling

@JohnnyWick9733

2 ай бұрын

Or it’s a true statement. Said it many times and meant as I said it. No ulterior motives. Stop being a victim.

@NN-fz4pd

Ай бұрын

Stop being rude and contemptuous

@MariAlfaro1996

Ай бұрын

@@JohnnyWick9733 you can stone wall and not intend to hurt someone else, its still important to communicate feelings and hurts the relationship over all

@JohnnyWick9733

Ай бұрын

@@MariAlfaro1996 agreed.

Well done.

i have problems with each one and i recognize that but I think my relationship my be done for.. we were supposed to watch this over a month ago but i forgot about it until now

Is it sad that my wife has accused me of not taking accountability, not knowing how to communicate, and has made me feel like the one responsible for everything that I’ve gone as far sometimes apologizing when she does these things?

I bet almost all couples do this after a while which is dangerous.. we did and it ended up my wife had affair and now I’m trying to rebuild our marriage

I wonder if this goes also with our kids. My daughter shows everything

What do you do if stonewalling has been there from the beginning?

I’m a defensive person, somehow I always feel attacked and I say random things when I get scared, and I don’t really like taking responsibility for my actions. It would be nice if I got some more support from my family, though.

This was insightful, i watched it twice and forwarded it to my wife. I'm definitely a criticizer

@kimberlybrookins2425

9 жыл бұрын

Good one Alics.

@kristine6996

5 жыл бұрын

There is Hope 🍀

@elbowstrike

3 жыл бұрын

Good luck!

@BranNew1

Жыл бұрын

Did you guys make it?

@slimelife3794

Жыл бұрын

@@BranNew1naw fr

Yep it does.Confirmed.

If one partner exhibited contempt onto their partner would that partner not be prone to defensiveness in return?

@Midnight_Ruby

Жыл бұрын

See for me, my girl showed a lot of contempt towards me, and then got on defensiveness when I shared how I felt about things. It really depends on where you stand I guess and what the context is. This then started turning me into a stonewaller, where I didn't want to think about it and I didn't want to surround myself with it. People all react differently

Im with you

So true amen

I GOTTA WATCH THIS FOR A IOWA STATE CLASS

@kaylapalmer5948

4 жыл бұрын

same

@anniehuynh1816

Жыл бұрын

@@kaylapalmer5948 same

Would if it is a long distance relationship, and the conflicts arise via phone and text?

@danielmonarrez6029

Жыл бұрын

im like i would date any woman Greeks because most of them are hard workers if you love them go for it

Wonderful video!!!! Slow down the words tho please

Newer research and evidence clearly shows these behaviors to be narcissistic abuse.

@elenaamberidis2214

2 жыл бұрын

And the methods provided to deal with these, along with the "softened start up" from the Gottman method do NOT with with a narcissist. Trust me, I've tried. They do not respond well to criticism no matter how you to try word your feelings about their mistreatment.

So this is for the reactive side of the couple, what about the submissive side? What can the other half do to be active and don't just play dead?

@aclark217

4 жыл бұрын

This is a really good question. Generally in a relationship where these kinds of destructive behaviors are going on, there is a blaming partner and a withdrawing partner. The withdrawing partner is more likely to be the one that stonewalls but not always. In order for the withdrawing or submissive partner to feel safe enough to open up, you usually need the blaming partner to soften up and do the things that this video suggests. If that's not happening then it is going to be much more difficult for the submissive partner to express their concerns and feel validated. But what they can do is try to express their needs as well as the things their partner is doing to hurt them as positively and constructively as possible. If they can validate their blaming partner's feelings then that can also help to defuse the situation. "It really hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted when you say things like that." "I need to know that I'm not going to be attacked right away if I bring something up." "I understand that you're frustrated. I would be to. But can you let me share my side?"

@MaryHernandez-lq8kq

4 жыл бұрын

@@aclark217 I end up becoming the blaming partner because my bids are rejected I don't feel secure. When I start to something happens to mess with the newly won calm and I am off again. Feeling rejected. So I ended the relationship. I thought it could have been fantastic but my partner never seemed to argue or bid back much. I feel clueless

@ashleyleahy5859

3 жыл бұрын

@@MaryHernandez-lq8kq watch Adrienne Everheart and Helena Hart. They both learned from the Gottmans and they’ve helped me soooo much!!

Facts

Read the book! It's on audible too!

Dr. Kreiser brought me here!

Oh wait! You mean we should actually cultivate our relationships, instead of criticising one another, despising one another, blaming one another and ignoring one another? I think deep down, we all know these things. But the truth is, doing the right thing takes effort. And even if it's the right thing to do, we might just feel too exhausted to do it. Still, it probably pays to try. Having said that, I can totally see why burnt out people would be like that.

How do I know if it’s too late

I guess I thought these "I" statements that every video on YT talks about would be helpful. When I try that method, I get told I'm making it about me. Is there another way around this? Is there another method I can use without the "I" statement and it sounding like I make convos about me? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

@danielmonarrez6029

Жыл бұрын

i told a woman the love word she was a greeek woman princess saved her cousins life

What song was used?

Paul Ives

While you are you sir are topped while I look for animated versions of the four horsemen in relation to darksiders 3, this is terrible

Nice

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

My mom does this 😢

how do you send this to people without sending it to them

@ashleyleahy5859

3 жыл бұрын

Post it on fb or something

So the question is, do you share this with your partner so it could help your relationship or is it considered criticism?

The power of now

True

A little better than my vid on it. The power of money. At least I acted mine out. :-p

@drawincode1800

7 жыл бұрын

Pinnacle Of Man I was always taught money was a sin but some people think it's god so who knows

Hey babe why's this thing in the walkway.... Silence Hey I know usually whatever but I moved it cuz it's just junk and now it's back why is it here is there a reason? Silence.... Can you acknowl me!

@Jennifer-fk8kb

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like me and my husband. Me being the silent one. Here’s an idea. Stop complaining. You live with someone else. Expect that they might put things in places that you don’t understand. Just like you are doing without having them question it. Very irritating behavior. You have to have the ability to step outside yourself and realize that your partner is dealing with your “junk” as well. The silence is just evidence that your partner feels defeated. Defeated from having to express over and over and over that your nagging is irritating. Words don’t seem to get anywhere and only cause your partner to be more frustrated, so why bother speaking? You talk as if when your partner makes what YOU perceive to be a mistake, they must “answer” to you. Perhaps your partner left whatever they left there to remind themselves to take it somewhere else. You should have the respect for their judgement to ASSUME that if they moved it BaCk it was for a reason! My husband is very neat. But sometimes leaves things out of place like every human on the planet. Recently I noticed he left his expensive watch out on his nightstand which is not where he keeps it. I literally ignored it and thought “must be for a reason”. He later mentioned (without me interrogating him!) he left it out as a reminder because it needs a new battery. You see how one can have respect for your partners decisions and placement of things??? You see something there.. especially if it was moved there TWICE… and make the assumption that your ADULT partner had a reason. You are not “in charge” of where things should or shouldn’t be and what is junk and what’s important. Just thought I’d get you some insight from the other side. Not pissed at all about this type of thing 😏 Going to keep rambling. This behavior from my husband makes me feel like I am invading “his space”. Like I am a free loader staying at his house. But that’s not it. It’s an apartment we got together and we both pay equal towards it. It just as much mine as his. Yet I feel like I am constantly getting scolded by my parent to “put my toys away”.

@GardensoftheAncientsHerbal

2 жыл бұрын

@@Jennifer-fk8kb maybe I'm just wanting some basic communication and to stop ducking head in the sand. Basically over time your husband will resent you because you turn something so mundane that could be easily solved into what you just said. Seems like a lot of personal pride issues that you need to resolve

@GardensoftheAncientsHerbal

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like too you, hey baby can you tell me why this is here I'm trying to make the house nice as some condescending display to lower your worth and you could be farther from the truth. Basically him trying to resolve the homes clutter or daily repetitive problems is reminding you of how bad your behavior is and its atrocious. Stop treating your husband like this over such trivial things get over your insecurities and just talk it out over such basic things that healthy people just talk about. There is nothing toxic about the way that was asked what was toxic is this modern nonsense that you have concocted. In my example he even put it away so he is upset your just leaving stuff out that he is spending his time cleaning. Honestly he should just let you live in your bubble and not tolerate such nonsense. Nowhere is he making you a maid by simply asking you to put your stuff back after he cleaned the home you both live in together. Go find some hoarder or separate but don't torture some poor soul with that selfish logic... what are people teaching you women nowadays you are so hell bent on being prideful you can't see the forest from the trees. If you treat your man like that i hope he either tells you off or leaves because that mindset is awful.

@rnopes21

2 жыл бұрын

@@Jennifer-fk8kb no. Other people's past bad behavior or even past good behavior does not excuse current bad behavior. If it's something that truly needs to be worked through and it's important to the other partner and it doesn't involve any of these other horsemen situations, it's a responsibility of the other partner to communicate in a healthy way too. Silence is stonewalling.

Growing up, my mom criticized and stonewalled me. Then she always wanted to be on good terms with me. I see now why it was so frustrating. I'm only nice to her now because she has money and I want her to leave me a piece.

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

traffic causes delays

That was my sister towards me. I got fed up and cut her out.

But I feel like criticism must be a healthy part of any two peoples discussion, on any topic with outsiders for instance. Though I know I have some of these bad habits. My parents had a bad marriage and broke up when I was 11, and I lived with my mum for ages and picked up what I thought was supposed to be normal but was probably bad habits and examples. Argumentation and defensive, accusations and blame was daily, down to physical thrown things some times. And at different times later in life she was around and interfered I would say. Still that's blame isn't it.

@rnopes21

2 жыл бұрын

There's a difference between feedback and criticism. Criticism is to condemn judge and manipulate. Feedback is to improve or better the situation. If people truly want things to change, criticism is not the way to do it, feedback is. That requires following the communication styles outlined in this video.

And what if my partner is stonewalling me? How to react?

@MsSilverTulip

7 ай бұрын

Make bids for connection and use "I" statements to communicate how it makes you feel

Firstly, I only took the quiz out of curiosity. That being said, if my relationship status is "relationship pro" with only 2 points missed, why would I need to take any of your modules? 😂 The only points I lost are due to medical issues and don't actually affect the quality of my relationship! 😂🤣 Thanks anyways.

This won't work with a narcissist. Extremely difficult

End of the relationship or marriage but many couples will stay together for economic reasons. People will put up with the abuse for money and stability. It turns into a power struggle.

Asznee, skunun, ranun, usnaa

Classic rock is the greatest Styx the greatest as well 🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵

What if the horsemen are present during dating

What if this behaviour reflects true feelings? Why doesn't Dr. Gottman address this?

@KxNOxUTA

Жыл бұрын

Your feelings are valid. How helpful are they in resolving your situations, though? If you are at work and speaking to a person who has moe power than you, is that a principle you follow, too? Let's assume they are a genuinely nice person. When you are not feeling OK with another person, then you're by all means very invited to address your feelings first. However, there are actually ways to do this. Do you understand that "feeling frustrated" and "dumping frustration between you and another preson" are two completely different things?. You can first take a lookat your feelings and sit with them till they calm down enough so that you can speak with intent and not being taken on a crazy dangerous ride by your feelings. A break may help (as suggested). And then you return o the situation and tell the other person calmly "I felt very frustrated about what just happened. This is what happened for me. What was it like for you? Do we want this to continue? What can we do diffferently next time?" Own your feelings. YOUR(!). It does not matter what triggered them, you own them like you're responsible for a puppy. It can play wildly and that is OK, but it's your work to figure out how to keep it from biting people that you want to maintain a relationship with. And train that. And to give the puppy healthy outlets, cause supressing does typically not work on the log run.

And it did.

To be honest, the problem is not whether we act like this or not. The problem is that if we truly loved the other person we would always make the effort to love them the right way. This is why we treat people that we are in relationships with differently. And that’s why it’s sad. Because if you’re truly in love with someone then you will always try your best. It hurts when a partner is not because we know that if they really loved us they would. Just a thought.

@joyfulsoul4967

Жыл бұрын

This is a great thought, I feel like so, love ❤️ is the antidote for any relationship. Keep spreading this message 🔥💥🙌🤗

@kfitzsimons1793

8 ай бұрын

Mmm I disagree, your message is suggesting anyone who’s ever lashed out doing these things doesn’t love the person. So I suppose you’re perfect and you’ve never criticised your partner, you’ve never held a grudge against something they did and later felt resentment towards them. It’s not about whether you experience negative feelings, it’s if there are communication pathways and repair pathways that make it a healthy relationship. Also. People learn these coping strategies, it doesn’t mean they are unloving or unkind. Usually it’s because when we’re vulnerable we revert to protective strategies or survival instincts. So what you’re seeing - stonewalling is like retreating into a cave where it’s safe. Criticism - fight or flight (fighting against something that feels wrong/ unsafe/ unnatural) Defensiveness - feeling attacked. Defending. Contempt - a build up of these things. Compiles over time. (Noticing that person isn’t like you, isn’t good for you, doesn’t benefit you) Contempt is disgust in disguise. It really focuses on a distaste for who the person is at their core. It is the worst horseman and leading contributor in gottmans research of relationship destruction.

@leonardshort2450

23 күн бұрын

I agree if you have the tools to love correctly, and these things are not present in your relationship.

Awareness is the first step.

Divorce is the absolute best thing that could have ever taken place (under the circumstances) for both our kids and myself. I am a man who lived with a toxic wife for 31 yrs. Thank God (literally) that I am now free, and that our kids are free from our horribly damaging relationship.

Make it 5 beat-

I repent of behaving this way that did nothing good to me and my now former gf

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

Know them its normal for a narcissist

Came here from blink.

gradeaundera

Not bad advice in itself, but extre------mly superficial and with lack of all intricate nuances and interpretetions of real life situations. For instance: No, defensiviness is not always about blaming anyone, stonewalling is not always a concious choice and a break of one hour is certainly not enough if you got really hurt by something. You might need five days before you are collected again.

Yeah good luck fixing humans without the spirit 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😍

Stone wall jacksons wife must have had a hard life 😢

I hate "whatever"

rubinreport

I don't have a partner😉

So at a planeterian level we should stop to critized Russia, start to show more respect, by also stoping to play with people emotion

KZread Linda Martinez lui

@ckobesko

5 жыл бұрын

These are the behaviors of a full fledged covert narcissist.

@ckobesko

5 жыл бұрын

www.quora.com/How-does-a-narcissist-stay-married-for-so-long

@ckobesko

5 жыл бұрын

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/comments/8n2c12/withholding_sex/

@iniubongnkanga9390

4 жыл бұрын

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...