I was incredibly drawn to someone at one point, not realizing why. I wondered "Why are they so special to me even though I know they're a normal person?" The realization it was because I felt special around them was a huge revelation. I wanted to feel like I was contributing to their life in a positive way no one else had before.

@Muse720

Жыл бұрын

Such a good point! I’ve heard before that when someone thinks of another person, they don’t necessarily remember what was said or done but they will always remember how that person made them feel. Someone who is just trying to “impress” others can leave people feeling small & unseen whereas someone who seems simple can leave people feeling warm & fuzzy inside.

It's interesting how we want to be special in order be safe! I think Anxious Preoccupieds want to feel connected to other people and that makes them feel safe, but FAs don't trust connection. Therefore we first want to manufacture and control the connection and we do that through making other people think that we're special, unique, never to be lost. Truly fascinating stuff

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Ah, love this!

@supervillainnova8352

Жыл бұрын

This is a game changer.

I think God is the greatest healer. Although he often uses other people to help in this process.

I remember when I was still very much a FA and in a relationship with a secure person, his love towards me was so beautiful and simple I could momentarily tap towards it myself and feel the intense but yet calm secure love you talk about in the most ordinary moments like grocery shopping, we'd be in the supermarket discussing what we'll have for dinner and omg it would hit me, I'd feel such intense love and attraction for them right at this moment.

I did think of my ex as special and did a lot to make him feel special. I was not made to feel the same. With words, yes, but not with actions. You nailed it. I even told my ex that I think all the things I did for him just made him not trust me. It's sad because that's just how I am with someone I love.

Wow! All of your videos make me feel so seen. I knew my actions were not "normal," but I couldn't explain to others why I was doing them. Thank you for these videos!! Would love a video explaining why we are drawn to unavailable partners. Also, if anyone is on the fence about taking the "healed and happy" course, do it!! I have been in it for 10 days and have already seen such a change. I had my go-to nightmare about being attacked, and midway through, the attacker turned nice and was helping me. So cool to literally watch my brain form healthy new pathways!

@Monxtv

4 ай бұрын

how is it going with the course? where you able to follow through? do you feel different?

All of your videos are SO valuable, and I always feel SO seen! I also love all the ideas you've presented for new, more in depth videos. Thank you always Paulien, you are such a blessing💝

SO insightful thank you. Yes love is a choice. That you reniew daily. Love is commitment. Why that person? Just because. But you do nurture the relationship daily. I understand now why when my FA left abruptly, it felt very confusing at first but I did let them go and didn't try to make them come back, I think it is because I value commitment deeply and to me if someone chooses me on a wednesday to then discard me by thursday without allowing a discussion to take place it is definitely not someone I actually want to partner up with

This video was a little scary but I'm so glad I finally have insights into why I've always felt this way and to know it may be coming from insecurity. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much for taking my suggestion and making this video! I definitely think a lot of my avoidance of relationships comes from never having gotten unconditional love in my childhood which I'm still trying to work through. Can't wait for your program to come out! And I'd love to see that video you mentioned on why fearful avoidants are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

I've put that on the list! I will do a live Q&A on the 21st of march. When the next video is coming out, this friday, you can sign up through the link in the description!

Today I realised that in my childhood (that was unsafe because of my parents divorce) as I was very artistically talented kid I felt like those talents are the reason I am valuable and special because I could do so many things people in my age couldn' t. Also that was the main compliment I've been receiving from my parents that "I'm so talented". Being 9 years old I already was skilled in graphic design, filmmaking/video editing, drawing, photography, playing piano, basically creating as that was my way of finding safety. Since high-school I stopped progressing in those hobbies and I also lost much interest in them but still kept them as my identity. So as I'm getting older but not better in those skills that used to make me feel special and valuable and I see YOUNGER kids doing waaaay better than me at the moment my ego is so hurt..... I feel jealous, I feel resentful, judgemental and my need to feel special is even stronger than ever because my foundation of this belief is threatened. But as I'm also interested in psychology since my childhood (As I already then wanted to fix myself) now I create this sense of being special by helping and fixing others (sometimes without their will lol) because that makes me feel worthy and needed ! It's so crazy how it all comes together. Thank you for this video and now I'm going back to your program to learn how to not need to feel special :)

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

Releasing that need to feel special will give you so. much. freedom. It is one your ego might wrestle with the most (what fun is life if i'm not special anymore?), but it really, really helps in enjoying your life in an extraordinary way! You really deserve that :)

thank you so much I am FA and I always could feel all these behaviors specially this one even before knowing about attachment styles and I wasn't able to name these behaviors or define them and this was always painful now your videos are so helpful and I can understand me more. After my relationship had ended with someone anxious I had this feeling of relief for two years almost every time I would have seen couple outside I had this feeling of how free I am like the recently released prisoner looking at their mates inside. now I am interested in someone that is dismissive avoidant I feel anxious I feel lots of hot and cold. we were friends and I wasn't able to tell her that I liked her because of deferent core wounds and fearing she might run away and on this period I had this false feeling of commitment toward her and I wanted to end this feeling because I had this feeling of time is getting wasted and more importantly after 3 years I was really frustrated fearing that I am going to get abandoned (strange feelings) so I told her that I liked her more than friends on the time that we were discussing this matter I had this feeling of being trapped like what if she accept and I get trapped (this is really strange that I craved for attention and love for long time but on the moment that I could obtain it I had this feeling of being trapped ).

Yes! Would be interested in a bit more in depth video on why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

I've put it on the list!

Wow...this describes a huge part of my internal struggles. Feeling seen and sad at the same time but definitely encouraged to keep on the path of healing.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so happy you are here Tiffany!

Absolutely mind blowing.

very valuable thank you

Omgoodness....so many things are SO true. It amazes me how you can describe exactly what I do and go through and have gone through..ive never been able to put any of what I do or feel into words half of the time

Your videos are great! Thank you for speaking about this particular aspect. In my healing process, it's very valuable to see how my attachment stye affects all aspects of my life from romantic to even the emotion around choosing or getting chosen for a job! My takaway is that kindness is the most important thing in healing...kindnes to oneself as well as others. Needing to feel special, and also getting annoyed when people choose me, is very confusing and strong for me. ❤

This is so spot on 😮❤

You are a gift from heaven Paulien 🙏🏽❤️ Thank you for your information

So enlightening! I never saw myself as wanting to “be special”, and usually I try to be humble and see myself as just another person… yet I was doing these three things!

Without going into detail, this so relatable ... :(

So glad I found this channel.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

So glad you are here :)

Brilliant

I connect with all 3 of these points. Thank you for sharing these resources. I remember my therapist pointing this manipulative way of loving to me(unintentional though it is) and I remember being left with the same thought I'm left with now. If the way I've thought of love for so many years was wrong, what is the right way to do this? What does it it look like and what does it feel like? The uncertainty is slightly triggering if I'm honest. But thank you for this. There's still a long ways to go. It scares me.

@mpumi6830

2 жыл бұрын

I have a question. Why would someone choose you again and again if it's not because of the feelings? What makes someone choose you if there's nothing that distinguishes you from other people?

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

There can be so much that distinguishes you from other people, aside from feelings! They can think you are an amazing person, a beautiful soul, a super interesting human being. And i'm not saying you SHOULDN'T have feelings, or that feelings in general are bad. It's just the plaving them on a pedestole, and letting them inform every decision that can lead to a lot of unhappiness. Does that make sense?

@mpumi6830

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes, thank you Paulien. I think I'm beginning to understand.

Needed to hear this omfg your channel is a blessing!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

10 ай бұрын

Thank you for being here!❤

I just can say god bless you❤

Omg the whole your bf being kind to everyone I so get that. I thought isn't that what I want? I was so confused

Thank you so much Pauline❤ .. any pointers on how to heal this part of myself?

Thank you so much. Your positive and hopeful outlook paired with your candid insight is such a blessing! Thank you!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

8 ай бұрын

Thank yo for being here❤

Ive been searching for someone who believes it is a choice to a large degree. Seems like everyone i meet is emotion based. The depth of feeling your describing i feel but its hard to find imo.

Hey Paulien, this video is brilliant. I'm learning so much from you. Anyway, you said that "we put feelings on a pedestal". Why do we do that? Is it because they were singled out as being so powerful when we were kids, you know like our parents would overeact if there was a feeling in the room? Oh you said later, its because we think intense love is the best and highest of value. I just know my parents overreacted to any feelings. Like we shouldnt feel that way.

I would like to see a video on why FAs tend to be attracted to DAs or emotionally unavailable partners, thanks!

Hi Paulien, can you do a video about how you journaled or "brain dump" to heal trauma. I need a little guidance. I can't wait for August!

Thank you so much for this video. I realized today that I want to feel special in my relationship and couldn’t really make sense of it. What you say makes perfect sense. Feeling special equals being safe… bc who would leave someone who’s special? My mum said to me a few years ago that I always wanted to be special as a child…. She said that with so much disgust…. It was super hurtful… now I feel nothing but compassion for my child self of feeling so unsafe in relationship to my caregivers that the coping strategy was to be special through earning love etc…

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

So happy you turned to compassion and empathy, because that is exactly what you deserve

@Lena-Sapiencia

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 ❤️🙏

Thanks Paulien, I can definitely relate to what you are saying in this video, in fact I think I have spent my life being special.....ly isolated! Not a rewarding situation. I have done some quite special things creatively- mainly involving music and metalwork, yet remain utterly incapable of real celebration. I would like to sign on to your online course- of the people/groups dealing with FA attachment I find you the most genuine, natural and sympathetic- however it will be a little while before I can afford it, and also it strikes me that having a partner might be beneficial when working to overcome a FA attachment style- how else could you know if you're getting anywhere? I have not had a girlfriend for many years, and have to an extent resigned myself to being single; perhaps I need to alter my approach to relationships first? Best Wishes and thankyou again, Jasper.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

He Jasper, thanks for your message. I am happy to hear my content is valuable to you. About the course: You don't necessary need to be in a relationship to participate. It can definitely be useful if you are single, to learn the tools for when you find a new relationship. If you have any questions, please let me know!❤

Was wondering what the deal is with the terms right, and the one. Know a FA that uses those exact words.

I just tend to believe I am special, for whatever reason. And its actually not helping me, its impacting my relating. Like a prophet complex or what.

If a securely attached person doesn’t see their partner as special, what are they basing their choice to commit on? Especially if a securely attached person is dating a FA, that seems like more drama for them then is necessary. I definitely had dramatic moments in my last relationship where I’d say something like “why are you with me? I’m just crazy, go find someone stable.” No answers he gave about choosing me were at all convincing for me, they just sounded like basic traits you’d want any person in your life to have. I’m always so confused…I find your video very insightful, I’m just trying to process it. Any additional clarity would be greatly appreciated ❤

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

I wrote this down as a topic for a future video! Good question :)

@taequility3655

Жыл бұрын

I have exactly same situation! That's why I feel like I cannot truly receive love from my partner because he shows me a lot of affection and love and I'm like "Why do you even like me? I'm just a mess and I'm not the best person ever" and they're just like "you're fun and you're good person" like???? It's so basic 😭 but same time I feel like I like him for the same reason, just my fear brain tries to think differently and nitpick all his flaws and make him not a "special person" because the "only" thing he can offer is kindness and love which sounds basic....

@Muse720

Жыл бұрын

I think we may put too much weight on admiration in relationships because we are used to being loved conditionally based on specific things we do or skills we have. My current “wish list” for a partner is simply that they are secure & our lifestyle & long-term vision aligns. Trying my best to quell any romantic fantasies portrayed in movies! Best wishes for your healing, @taequility

@StudioSGS

8 ай бұрын

​@taequility3655 Finding someone capable of unconditional love is far from basic. It's quite rare, especially for FAs who tend to test their partner's love or reject it completely. Hold on to anyone who offers you that kind of love and attempt to give it back in return. You can't get more special than someone who chooses to love unconditionally. IMO

@StudioSGS

8 ай бұрын

Perhaps they choose to commit bc you made them feel understood or they felt a "special" connection. Some people seem to have boundless compassion. (Not to be confused with having no boundaries.) Perhaps the feel they can grow with you, maybe you challenge them in interesting ways. Serving a need for unconditional love can be fulfilling. Just bc a person is secure doesn't mean they only care about other healed, secure people. Choosing to love unconditionally comes naturally to some. Love is a gift best given freely. And those who have been given unconditional love have love available to give and can recognize the need for unconditional love in others.

Hii! I'm wondering, are you an only child? I'm definitely FA but I feel like a lot of the wanting-to-be-special comes from being an only child in my case... But my FA also has a lot to do with being the only child that had to carry my parent's responsibilities etc.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

I am! Interesting theory, Ill keep that in the back of my mind to see if I notice that in other only children! :)

@purplefenix2946

Жыл бұрын

I remember that I did something special for let my parents love me. If I do something special they ll see my value and they dont leave me.

What if you did receive unconditional love as a child but you’re still fearful avoidant?

@thatsnotmyname2798

Жыл бұрын

Then it wasn't unconditional

@StudioSGS

8 ай бұрын

I think FA attachment can develop for lots of reasons. It could come from bad romantic relationships. It can develop after childhood. Other significant relationships, as well, coach, grandparent, caregiver. Trauma, including accidents, bullying by peers or siblings. It has a lot to do with how you learn to cope with difficult things. Just as it can be healed over time, it can develop, as well. A SA can develop FA tendencies in a toxic relationship, after assault or even abuse outside the home. At least that's my understanding and what appears to be the case in my observation.

@StudioSGS

8 ай бұрын

I've also heard that many insecurely attached people felt loved but if there is chaos, overworked parents, or upheaval of some sort, especially early in development, attachment can be compromised.

Shiet all true...:/

Women dont respect men who give them unconditional love, regardless of attachment style. My wife demanded unconditional love. I told her that there is no such thing. There is "one" conditional love, that is the love of a parent for a child. But thats it. Afer that, all love is freely given because someone has done something to earn it to some degree. Sadly, this also means that love is transactional.

i love talking about the intersection of FA and capitalism lol

@destaniehugs67

2 жыл бұрын

hmm i never noticed a connection but im interested, can you explain further?

@SaminSays

2 жыл бұрын

@@destaniehugs67 sure! I can really only share my POV so i dont expect this to resonate with everyone. capitalism functions on the notion that you need to "earn" things that we literally cannot survive without; food, water, shelter. i am not even talking about luxuries or industries that gaslight you to buy their stuff, i'm talking about just the bare necessities. they are hypercommodified, and theyre slowly slipping from our grasps because of inflation, making it extremely difficult and uncomfy to exist in the system, and even harder to escape it. you could argue, capitalism/the system doesnt owe you anything, but with the amount of abundance/resources it has hoarded through exploited workers who can't even afford anymore the resources and services we're collecting, something's not adding up... it's like a narcissistic relationship. healing from this FA journey has woken me up to how much abuse there is in the world, and that includes systemic abuse. i would actually love to hear Paulien talk about this if she has an opinion!