How to get over a break-up: Step 1: Have a wine night with your neuroscience friends

@marias7599

5 жыл бұрын

docvideo93 Easy, and after that pack you suitcase and go for a trip to the moon to change the air

@gitanafox9852

5 жыл бұрын

Any neuroscientist wanna be my friend?

@rishenmoodley8463

5 жыл бұрын

Gitana Fox I need a neuroscience friend now as well!

@sugkizzy8

4 жыл бұрын

Yep said right

@asp4752

4 жыл бұрын

And if i dont have friends?

She’s an awesome speaker, I really enjoyed that.

@MagicWandsTarot

5 жыл бұрын

weirdocentric23 blessings

@alysham4n4l0

5 жыл бұрын

she sounded like a doctor and a well known scientist.

@zachdixon6337

4 жыл бұрын

probably the best speaker ive seen in a ted talk

@user-ns3ku2ky5l

3 жыл бұрын

I think, too

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

@NickKartha

5 жыл бұрын

A brilliant Jim Carrey movie.

@bur-lee

4 жыл бұрын

💯

@sydneymoulton7518

4 жыл бұрын

Literally my first thought!!

So basically when we are heartbroken we are not really still in love but traumatized re-living the pain, remove all the negative feelings asociated with the other person and keep the positive ones and voilá! you move on, easier said than done of course. But maybe you won´t even need the neurocientists team for that, anyone interested in developing the brain normalizing training app?

@Illumiisam

5 жыл бұрын

!!!!! What’s your email

@meeube

5 жыл бұрын

YES! PLEASE.

@MeganZJLiao

5 жыл бұрын

Yes!! Pls!!

@bezbillion9117

5 жыл бұрын

Me too

@playerx5209

5 жыл бұрын

So interesting!!!

Best TEDTalk I've ever seen. This woman is a beast. If only I had a team of neuroscientists to snuff out my guy.

@adrianna8993

5 жыл бұрын

David James same here !! Erased him for good

@ledubois6

5 жыл бұрын

You mean snuff out the feelings. 😂😂 Not hiring hit men, right? Lol

@goonloks5966

5 жыл бұрын

I just saw your channel and you're so cute, that's probably wierd to say but you're so charismatic

@bragetorsteinsen1868

5 жыл бұрын

Feel you

@majasteinchen

5 жыл бұрын

You need to detach your feelings and memories from him. Formerly, I'd avoid places I was with my ex to avoid the emotions as well. Nowadays I go the exact same places with different people or friends. Its awkward and full of memories and bad feelings first, but you will get over it. You will attach new emotions to this placed and activities. It won't be this sanctuary anymore. We always feel special about our unrequited love because we make them, the memories with them and so on "special" by not letting anyone touch it. To get over someone, you have to "de-specialise" the places and activities. (I'm not talking about getting under someone else. I think that won't help.)

What I got from this talk is the idea that loving someone could be a fixation. That it is something that we can't seem to control because our brain created a neural pathway after years and years of associating that person as something that our brain thought is a good thing because of what it makes us feel having that person in our life. Our mind and body crave for it and we can't seem to stop it from longing other than making a conscious effort and with our will power. I gather that she got over the person without doing anything other than observing her brain activity? So what she did is basically like meditation. She just observed without really making an effort to think. Meditation is basically like that. So, her continuous observation of her brain activity basically unwired that neural pattern or her love for that person from her brain then?

@qaithequeen

5 жыл бұрын

Precisely. This is what I gathered too. I too was once in a very dark place after my breakup and struggled with depression. But when I learned about meditation and how just by observing the happenings in our life we could alter our perception and brain activities, I became at peace. Basically you just become aware of your unconscious mind and understand that you can in fact control it. So she basically did what people do through meditation but just without having to meditate and just by observing her brain activities. Luls. Even made merchandise out of "love" 😩👌

@MagicWandsTarot

5 жыл бұрын

Light Seeker blessings

@achoberry

5 жыл бұрын

As a psych graduate having done several neuro subjects, I can tell you that Stoned Emotions is on the right track. Basically, whenever the brain regions display the optimal level of activation (as demonstrated by the appropriate colours on the screen) the program sounded the harp notes as a way of signalling "you're on the right track! keep doing what you're doing!" - and subconsciously with that kind of feedback, she was able to learn how to keep her brain in optimal activation in the relevant areas -Much like how learning how to ride a bike isn't a fully conscious process and you just kind of have to "get the feel for it''. Except, with a bike you KNOW when you're doing it right because you can SEE that you're balanced and moving forwards. So the harp was there to help her HEAR that she was doing it right whenever she was (giving the appropriate feedback mechanism necessary for any kind of practice/learning). Although meditation can also be helpful, it would have taken her longer to reap any benefits from it because without any obvious signals to guide you, it's much harder to tell when you're doing it right or wrong.

@tazeenmohsin

5 жыл бұрын

She used Neurofeedback. The program uses sound or visual signals to reorganize or retrain the brain signals.

@alysham4n4l0

5 жыл бұрын

It's a stigma that cannot really be explained of how it really works without getting down to microscopic movements and charges. But actually she was physically noting, remembering, developing shortcuts to enlarge the healthy band of her brain. The healthy activity was manifested outside her body as a sound; chime. She was training her brain to not necessarily not think, but to remember what exactly triggered that note. The to repeat the same activity over and over again. Science is badass man.

This talk is criminally under viewed, and Dessa criminally underrated!

@hayhousegifts2313

5 жыл бұрын

grossly misinterpreted...period. just look at these comments below!

@6kine6tic67

4 жыл бұрын

Seriously shes a genius!

Ugh, 2 years after a breakup and still not over it. Definitely understand the embarrassment aspect she talks about. Might have to give this a try

@lidiapanettiere7268

5 жыл бұрын

I know its hard but its all in our minds and thats something im also working on

@ylsflv

5 жыл бұрын

stupidyutube9 join the club I'm sorry to hear I hope we all make it

@imalwaysblue

5 жыл бұрын

Keep us updated when your neurologist team is complete

@neverbeaten

5 жыл бұрын

I need this bad. Whats the treatments name? I need my brain fixed

@s.d.966

5 жыл бұрын

How the breakup happened? Please share your story

Strong people are admirable but scare others who haven't got the same strength. It's not that those people don't love us, it's just that they are unable to love us the way we need and want them to, and thence they leave in frustration of not meeting our expectations, and we feel they didn't care enough.

@mochiisyum123

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this comment

@emeralddreams888

5 жыл бұрын

THIS COMMENT!!!!!

@user-zr8cg9uk1o

5 жыл бұрын

I feel like it's written exclusively for me. Thank you so much :)

@despitezero535

5 жыл бұрын

Right on time! Thanks soooo much

@FableLite

5 жыл бұрын

Wise words

It's the memories that keep you in love with the person. We are sentimental creatures by nature through our memory. So unless we get Alzheimer's we will always love that person

@alizsahin8607

2 жыл бұрын

I agree with that.

@dr.jenniferma3914

Жыл бұрын

Over time, the memories lose their emotional nature and no, you no longer love the person.

@Al1ye

Жыл бұрын

@@dr.jenniferma3914 yeah, what I imagine for me it’s that we got memories and stuff to keep us close to this person but that’s not yet enough to be in love you guys must have something special like she’s the only one like this among all others nobody is her and she’s what you most need like she’s really outta comparison you can’t find all this quality in another person but her and everything you guys had and all the thing is that you can’t forget bout her forever cause it’s what your body, your brain, your health, your heart and entire you need (Love ain’t always in first sight don’t forget that’s fairy tale sometimes it grows in the person by it’s own try not to force or rush things tho)

@Actuallyusefulthings

Жыл бұрын

Looking up how to get Alzheimer's

Falling in Love is not a choice, staying in love is...

@CastTerror5

4 жыл бұрын

Exactly

@Sarablueunicorn

4 жыл бұрын

Finally something I agree with

@Domtronic

4 жыл бұрын

No it's not. People are confusing true love with love.

@sarahcheung2389

4 жыл бұрын

how do you know you are in love with someone? Could it happen in a short period of the meeting? How do I know what is real?

@raindrop1539

4 жыл бұрын

4 years now, but you can use the fixation. In my case I started going to the gym, eating healthy, reading many books to "outgrow" the old me which caused me too be happy 24/7. Instead of seeing it as a something holding you back, use it as something pushing you forward.

she may be the coolest person I've ever seen

@acrylicgodoy

5 жыл бұрын

She reminds me of Pink!

@jdt8983

3 жыл бұрын

Try out her music its legitimate

That was entertaining, but I felt disappointed that there was no actionable advice or information in the talk.

@NS-gr9cy

5 жыл бұрын

That's true. It was just a bit of 'scientific showoff'. A common sign of people too much into their own selves.

@stormtroopette

5 жыл бұрын

I actually got that you have to pavlov dog yourself out of it. For me, I hear a mindset I should have about it and I wish I could sustain it. I have to come up with a reward now when I embrace these mindsets

@TheShamanicHealerGod

5 жыл бұрын

@@stormtroopette thats it.

@bunbundabunni3843

5 жыл бұрын

It sounded kinda like meditation, except more rewarding and acknowledging towards the moments you feel your brain at peace and clarity, instead of focusing on the spikes of passion or bitterness.

@mitchell8697

5 жыл бұрын

x2

When we are in love our brain releases feel good chemicals in response to that person. If the person breaks up with you while you are still getting those chemicals in association with them, then breaking up causes an abrupt withdrawal of those chemicals...so it is kind of like going cold turkey from a bad addiction.

@dorisb6823

4 жыл бұрын

yup, it's very painful.

@winglau3128

4 жыл бұрын

You are right. Its like quitting a drug. You can't sleep or eat, you feel panic and your stomach is uncomfortable. But when the time passes it gets better, you just have to be patient to yourself.

@randomcomment7675

4 жыл бұрын

Susan Darby it’s all the dopamine man

I honestly love this Tedtalk so much. I understand the embarrassment of not being able to fall out of love- even years later. It is like a fixation. After my first and only relationship ended (5 months), I spent years agonizing over it. I mean it was a really painful break up for me and my first love, so I guess it’s understandable. But I’m better now; i can look back without bitterness and enjoy the good times for what they were. I see now that my relationship was unhealthy and am not sad that it ended. I did lose a best friend (we had been close friends) in the process but I became a friend to myself.

Usually we women feel ashamed because we associate tears as weakness, specially when we cry for someone who found us unworthy of their love. It was liberating to see such a smart woman going through the same struggles. Even the smartest amd talented women go though pain in relationships. Dessa, thank you.

@UchihaItachi-wx6kx

2 жыл бұрын

not only women

"Couldn't rebound from what others rebound from..." Ahhhh! Somebody gets me.

I’ve been in a seven-year toxic relationship in the past. And even after I fell out of love with him, I went back one more time just because I was lonely. (He knew, but thought he could make me feel those feelings again). Now I’m married and in a healthy relationship (with someone different). Love is a journey, that’s for sure!

@dinushaariyarathna5155

Жыл бұрын

So he couldn't make you feel those same feelings?

Thank you for this. I am a neurotherapist using neurofeedback who takes this information to the stage often. Dessa (ironically also my daughter's name) did it better than I ever have. Much gratitude.

@khloestrong7157

5 жыл бұрын

What is the method?

@neverbeaten

5 жыл бұрын

I want this done to me whats the name of this? I want my brain fixed like hers please help!

@squeezeliz

5 жыл бұрын

Why have people been holding this out from us?? How many lives could be improved from this treatment!! Lol HELP

@kissnmakeupwithali8526

5 жыл бұрын

I totally agree. After a gut-wrenching heartbreak I realized I needed to rewire my brain to fall out of love. I was able to do it but I couldn't explain the science behind it. This is brilliant and right in line with my thinking.

@diannh2894

4 жыл бұрын

@@kissnmakeupwithali8526 it's like convincing yourself to do something unimaginative and impossible

Why does Dessa have be so close to perfect? Too much grace, talent and wisdom to be packed into one beautiful person... my heart breaks for her heartbreaks.

Met her in passing without really knowing who she was until after. And I will say she was a delightful person and I kind of developed a girl crush right there.

I can say that during my journey to try to keep myself out of the hospital after complete devastation from a similar situation this talk has been one thing that has given me hope and made me feel not so alone and ashamed. Knowing that another highly intelligent woman could feel the same and then not...thank you Dessa.

What a wonderful public speaker. Absolutely poetic!

@MagicWandsTarot

5 жыл бұрын

Hannah Green Hargreaves yess

@flamingbliss6998

5 жыл бұрын

She is literally a poet...😊😄😍

You don't fall out of love. You give up.

@damarisltrevizo

5 жыл бұрын

Vlogstafy Thanks for sharing, this made me think of how I’d put it into words..I’d say you would transform it into a different kind of love. That’s what I seem to also get from the video with how she mentioned that she still felt the positive feelings toward him, just without the fixation.

She's such an energetic and engaging speaker. This was so fun to watch.

I mean this literally. You could add up all the pain I have ever felt in my life and it would not hold a candle to the pain I experienced during my heartbreak. Worst experience I have ever luckily lived through.

@sweetmagnolia4990

3 жыл бұрын

I'd rather get shot in the knee than go through my heartbreak again

What an intelligent woman. I love when the speaker is talking about a topic that has nothing to do with their profession and goes to great lengths to uncover the mystery/issue. I also feel like it gives the best outcome because it's so unbiased. Probably also one of the best speakers on the TEDx for sure!

She is fantastic in the way she presented the content. A non-neuroscience background and still superbly lucid and articulate, funny and crisp.

@sarahmatthes4561

5 жыл бұрын

I was so impressed. She should give another TED Talk on communicating scientific findings to the general public

The theme of our wedding was LOVE IS A CHOICE (it was written on the m&m favors with an eagle on the other side--i have an offbeat humor). We both felt strongly that we're not just inexplicably drawn to each other and just can't help it; we were dating close to 8 years before getting married. Any two people can stay together, it takes work to be happy. I choose to love him because I want to love him because he loves me for loving him for loving me.

@dr.jenniferma3914

Жыл бұрын

"any two people can stay together"? That's just...not true.

I don't know if we can choose to fall out of love but can certainly choose to let go of some things such as; the anxiety about how someone's attention will dictate how your day goes. Doing everything to feel approved or liked by that person, etc.

I have no idea why I watch that video. But I’m sure people struggling with moving on from their relationship can actually learn and see it from a different perspective! Great Job !

When a romantic relationship breaks up you have a period of grieving that is about the lost possible future with that other person. I think she found the grief centre, not the love centre, of the brain.

@pescatariancashewnuts8761

Жыл бұрын

It's not grief. Try giving "moaning and melancholia" by Sigmund Freud a read.

Loved the energy of this woman! She is like a sky full of fireworks

this is one of the most important TED talks i have ever watched.

I'm guessing how to get over a person would be to reorganise your feelings for the relationship to integrate the positiveness of what you got out of the relationship with yourself and let go of the negative feelings for what you got out of the relationship. She just had help with neuroscientists for that.

I struggle with depression every day since Elysabeth ruined my life. I've struggled so hard to let go and not think about her.I only wanted love.

@matiasdamian2267

4 жыл бұрын

hope love find you, meanwhile enjoy anything that you enjoy

@tonyaarnett2461

4 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry I know The feeling 😔

@certaindeed

4 жыл бұрын

Hang in there

@michaelking9818

3 жыл бұрын

You okay now buddy as time does heal

@ElisabethDonati

3 жыл бұрын

Bigasstbone People don’t ruin your life. We choose to let an event do this.

WoW! Just 2 minutes into the video and I already can say, I loooove the way she speaks and.... everything. Didn't know her before, so I definitely will check her out and her music. 👌👌👌

@squeezeliz

5 жыл бұрын

I did the same... listening right now as I read comments lol. Its alright. I wanna hear the break up songs. I'm sure I've been playing them, but I'm not focusing on the words due to reading comments.

@dadgarmt

4 жыл бұрын

I did the same. And she's amazing!

real life version of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

@jessxj5521

5 жыл бұрын

Lenn Hernandez that’s exactly what I was thinking LOL

@diannh2894

4 жыл бұрын

So on point

She is so freakin' awesome. Funny, smart, amazing voice, amazing songwriter, so brave to put everything out there - also I want that necklace. I wish I could like this a hundred times.

Gotta LUV when a speaker is intelligent enough to provide assimilations vivid enough to help us normal intellectually deficient people understand the complex subject matter. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Wow... That was a phenomenally-delivered session. "Enlightened" doesn't even begin to define this amazing woman. Go Dessa!

She's a fantastic speaker - great energy & all-round engagement power

Amazing talk. Really loved her confidence and humour and determination.

This is hands down fantastic. How much more of a sane, gracious and wise society would we have if more of us tested and put into practice what we hear, saying: does it really work? I'll try to change myself first... and -whether or not it's my fault, I'm the only one who can do something about it.

Still one of the best TED Talk I ever watched...

incredibly interesting, and kudos to her for delving so deeply into the science of love and feelings. Engaging all the way through - excellent TEDTalk.

This is without a doubt one of the smartest, sexiest, interesting videos I have ever seen.

She is so harismatic, incredible speaker with a great future.

I liked this piece, her spirit and character are refreshing. Cool of her ti share her experience-cant say i know too many people willing to explore that

Dont need a team of neuro scientist, just keep on reminding urself, out of sight, out of mind n it doesn't add value, if a person does not value u, u dont have to try more than once. Life goes on. Thank u for the memories n lessons.

She is such a sweetheart. Love!

That was way more like a spoken word poem than a Ted Talk and I loved it

One of the best performance! Loved the info, the fluency and your passion. Hats off!

As if I couldn't love this woman any more. She's awesome!! I am not worthy!

I am privileged to have performed alongside Dessa during TedX Wanchai. She is a powerful speaker and performer. We had a photo together which is a bonus.

My ram's horns are nuts for this girl. She's brilliant, talented, and lovely. Check her album out: "Chime".

Wow! This is exactly the scientific talk I've been looking for. So fresh, I adore it!

Most charismatic TEDx talk I've heard in a while

I'm not concerned about falling out of love, but I do like dessa. Awesome music !

Very very clearly explained talk. Humorous. and somehow inspiring. Loved it.

Great Talk! Super interesting. Good use of humor while discussing science and heartbreak.

ground breaking so THIS WAY one can hav much better chance of breaking out of negative addiction or attachment OMG so smart and clever!!!!!!

I stumble across this, not even sure how now! she had my undivided attention, very good!!

I LOVE THIS!!!! she is absolutely brilliant ❤️

Thank you so much for this video! This is so important to remember and remind ourselves every day. We must always keep in mind to keep this strength so we could all live full out.

wow that’s definitely my favorite TED talkkk

She's amazing! Loved this talk

I soooo enjoyed listening to you speak. Your stage presence was everything!

she's so cool!!! one of the first tedx talks that doesnt have any cringy moments

Thank you so much for this!! Much love from here.

I’m a huge believer of love and I don’t think getting rid of your feeling scientifically is the way you do that. But you do you

She is so smart 😍😍😍😍

@MagicWandsTarot

5 жыл бұрын

rowshon ara absolutely

her way of speaking is really engaging ! what an awesome speaker, she seems like a really cool person too :)

I love love love how she talks..

Im still in love with someone that i cant have..once you see them with your heart you are done

LOVE this. So freakin’ smart. On a side note: anyone else reminded of Kristen Stewart when she’s speaking?

So basically, this works by rewarding the brain when the activity in the concerned area diminishes. In other terms, the obsession on the person is visualized, and those moments where the obsession is not so strong, are rewarded. I am now thinking, looking back, that in my life, each time I fell out of love with, say, a crush, it was always a painful process, because it always happened when reality hit me and I discovered that the person was not as ideal as in my fantasy. So, generally speaking, each perceived future interaction with the crush is anticipated, and when it happens as expected (e.g. they smiled back!), the reward loop (for being in love/in crush) is activated, but if it doesn't (e.g. I looked at them but they didn't see me), I am disappointed, and there is no reward. If my crush wasn't interested, eventually, more and more interactions would be unsatisfactory (and even painful), and over time, I believe the "reward loop" keeping me hooked would fade (note though, that the brain gets hooked in situations with uncertain result, which is an added difficulty to dodge). So, in the light of this talk, I am thinking that a good way to fall out of love, could be to consciously decide to stop any positive reinforcement of the reward; this means, not speaking to an ex in friendly or affectionate terms for example but keeping some emotional distance instead, and more importantly, taking the conscious decision to stop fantasizing on your crush. Or also, consciously forcing yourself, to not underline their qualities to yourself or others ("omg those eyes, they're so beautiful" or whatever quality they have), which also means no gossiping and making hypotheses; and also, to bring them down the pedestal you have put them on at some point in your mind. Basically, trying by all means to stop feeding the obsession. I suppose this is why many people in the comments rightly talk about meditation and mindfulness - perhaps because that's a practice that can bring one back to the present and to a more objective reality, and this, too, breaks the loop. Do other people agree with me, does this make sense, does this seem a good take on the video for people who don't have a routine access to an MRI and neuroscientists? I'll certainly try myself in future!

@rishenmoodley8463

5 жыл бұрын

SevySp I agree with you to some extent. By applying a positive image to the one that has left us, we consistently reinforce our admiration and love for that individual. It makes it more difficult to allow the attachment to fade. The problem is that it is not easy to force the opposite scenario. Since there may not be any contact with the individual, our natural inclination is to have positive thoughts about them since we long for them. Consequently, it is almost impossible to break out of the loop of associating them with something endearing and something that we miss dearly. So my question is: how do I train my brain to not think of her in such a positive manner? The answer is probably very simple. Remember the reality and continuously reinforce it. Remember that she bailed on me and regardless of how great I think she is, she simply doesn’t think that I’m as nice anymore. The brain cannot argue with so continuously reminding ourselves about the reality is a way of being honest with ourselves instead of trying to trick ourselves. I have a question for you though...How is it possible for her to move on so easily if I have to contemplate such measures to forget her?....I fear that the only plausible answer is that she never loved me to begin with.

@officialhoughtmin

Жыл бұрын

Your comment is helping me after all these years.

@officialhoughtmin

Жыл бұрын

I was talking about Rishen . His solution of constantly reinforcing reality is excellent

Fantastic topic, spoke with clarity, expression and passion ❤

Much love to you! Hope you feel better

I just fell in love with Dessa during this talk.

That's sheer awesomeness .. with a romantic ache

But i must say her charisma was off the charts, i have truly found my inspiration

One of THE best talks!!

What a great speaker, and a captivating presentation, well done!

I think you should give more speeches or become a professor. You are truly captivating!

wonderful talk 💜 thank you so very much for sharing your story!!

Like her style, her voice, her talk

That was so helpful and she was very adorable. Thank you so much

Brilliantly articulated!

Dessa rules 🤘🏻

All you can do is tell yourself that they werent the one for you. You have to accept that your future is bright and you will find someone else to connect with.

Love is an idea that comes with bundle of feelings we’re attached to, and too scared to let go, but once we decide “this is enough i have to move on and let go” this idea will start to vanish eventually along with the bundle it came with.

This is amazing. Brilliant.

loved this talk, it was fun, informing and even mind opening

Love her and her music ❤️

Thanks ....this i learned a lot and .....she is an awesome speaker and interpreter of her thoughts....

I loved this!!! She is amazing 😍

Genuinely fantastic! funny, real, tells you in one long sciencey word how to fall out of love! great entertainment factor

Okay Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Incredible video, loving it very much