It's also the lifelong frustration of people constantly asking you how you are or how you are feeling today and then you try to explain and their eyes glaze over or they accuse you that there seems to be always something wrong with you. I still do not understand why everyone keeps asking how I am and they really do not want to know what is going on because there IS always something going on or bothering me. It drives me absolutely crazy.

@tihana13

Ай бұрын

Exactly! I would rather have nobody asking anything than having them ask all the time but never wanting to hear an honest answer! It's as if they keep asking until they finally get the only answer they want to hear: "Fine. And you?"

@Plethorality

Ай бұрын

​@@tihana13it is extremely frustrating!! They dont want to know ... And who of us can afford to be aware of how we are, today, when we are in public?? We are already in overload. Do we need to be shoved into feeling and awareness of our pain mode, too!!??? No!!

@Simon-my8nh

Ай бұрын

I usually respond to "how are you?" type questions with: "I am". It's funny to see. If they inquire further I can try to point out specific, or ask them to further specify their question. "What part are you curious about?", "How specific do you want to know?", "For what reason do you want to know?".

@Zayaxa

Ай бұрын

It took me until my late 20s to realise that "how are you?" is basically the same as "hello". The vast vast majority of people are not actually asking how I am and it's more of a greeting than anything.

@Simon-my8nh

Ай бұрын

@@Zayaxa It's not 'just' hello, often times its more complicated. Sometimes it also means: "What is going in in your life recently?". Often times they are genuinely curious to how well your recent life has been progressing, but they rarely mean that they care for the 'whole story' at that moment. Which is frustrating, because either you can overblow them with details and speculations, or completely miss the points where someone would genuinely appreciate and want a large info dumb on your life in "how are you?". At least, that's how I tend to view it.

Alexithymia is a hell of thing. Explains what I once thought were panic attacks and a lot of other overwhelming physical experiences that were tied to emotions I can’t name. All my shrinks and psychiatrists missed it AND my autism. So I fired all of them once I got my diagnosis. We are truly on our on with this folks. Thank god people like you have the energy and courage and skills needed to post content like this. Thanks!

@thijsjong

Ай бұрын

I think there are more emotions then those that have a name in language. Mixed states. Supressed emotions. Emotions that are misidentified by ourselves or others. Motivations attributed to us. Emotions that need to be worked out or worked through but there us no time or ocasion to do so. For exmaple because before tou zan do so another emotion show up to take our attention. We get an emotional backlog of unresolved states. And people wonder why we burn out.

@ruthhorowitz7625

Ай бұрын

Find an autistic therapist

@FiltyIncognito

Ай бұрын

I accumulated dozens of notebooks worth of emotions, and I was complimented on my level of self-awareness and problem solving by the one councilor who was actually interested in reviewing some to get a better understanding of me. Sadly she had no experience and probably next to no education on autism. Fantastic person otherwise.

Just learning that I probably am autistic, at least I have a ton of autistic traits. Now when my husband or kids ask me, 'How are you feeling?' I allow myself to stop, see if I know how I feel, and if not, I just say, 'I don't know.' What a relief. No more making up an answer.

When people ask me how I'm doing I say, "upright and above ground!" or "I'm on the right side of the dirt!" They laugh and I get out of having to say anything else. Woohoo!

@Plethorality

Ай бұрын

I have had to learn to count my limbs. I still have them all, and count that as the win, and say, good thanks, i stead of getting stuck in a full body scan, which is even more overwhelming.

@Lari-lc3zq

Ай бұрын

Yup. My standard is *wry smile and shrug “Alive.” Lol

@OurHourglass

Ай бұрын

"Good so far, but it's still early in the day."

@rachelryan84

Ай бұрын

Unless there's context I generally consider that a greeting more than a question. The default response is fine how are you.

@sharonjensen3016

Ай бұрын

"I'm not in the obituaries, so I got up!"

Oh, i can name the emotions / feelings, but i cant always feel my feelings, emotionally. . I mostly think them or have them in my body. But i rarely feel my emotions emotionally, even though i look and sound extremely emotional. Body reacting. Feelings not feeling. So frustrating. Eg. Anxiety often makes me look very calm. Used to get told that i "exude peace"... I had no peace. I was screaming inside. But my face was very still.

@jimwilliams3816

Ай бұрын

Your noting that you can’t always feel your feelings caught my eye, because it implies that sometimes you can. I also have an inconsistent ability to feel and also interpret my emotions. I noticed this sometimes in my late teens - if I experienced emotional flooding, for a few hours afterwards I would be able to sense and process my emotions. It’s like the big emotions opened a synaptic pathway that is normally inactive. But after a while it would fade out again. Same thing with emotional attachment: I will occasionally have a big burst of (usually sad) emotions about my relationship to someone, and for a bit I can tell that I care about them, and even show it. I’ve tried to hold onto that, and occasionally have succeeded for a while, but it always fades too. Once it’s gone it feels like it was never there. I don’t know why I am like this. My best theory is it’s a combination of alexithymia and ADHD object permanence troubles.

@retajones5278

Ай бұрын

It’s the oddest thing, to have an emotion in your body, know it’s there, see it affecting your behavior, but not be able to feel it!!! How does that work anyway? Deffinatly shouldn’t be a thing.

It's like when you want to post a comment review on a great audiobook you just finished and you're overwhelmed with emotion... impossible to communicate in words and you resort to ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (stars) only... BTW, thats how I feel about this video 😮🙋🙂

@yvifee

Ай бұрын

You found a good description for it and I regularly feel like that as well. Thank you.😉 And yes, 5🌟s for the video. It’s like adding a new sauce to the big brain salad. ❣️😁😉 At least that kind of feeding ourselves we think of regularly.

@karens8633

Ай бұрын

I have a hard time leaving reviews! I’m a short, sweet and to the point kind of person and leaving a review is very stressful!

@cupofteawithpoetry

Ай бұрын

That's SUCH a great analogy! Love it! (and love analogies!) 😊

@Kivlyn.07

Ай бұрын

You just described very well how it feels. For me it’s not only books but series too. After finishing one of the two (a book or series) if i liked so much i am so happy i want to talk about with someone but then i can’t put everything i saw and feel into words so i just keep it to myself. This might be relevant but i wanted to share

@cupofteawithpoetry

Ай бұрын

@@Kivlyn.07 I totally relate!

When Ricky from Trailer Park Boys said "sometimes I don't know how to express myself when I'm trying to be properly different", I felt that, I know it's a comedy show, but that's how I feel in alot of situations

@erinancientelements

Ай бұрын

Total side note, I live in the area they (Trailer Park Boys) used to film. Though I have not watched the show

@Observer31

Ай бұрын

I don't think that was the intent, but Ricky was written as someone with ADHD (... along with other problems ha)

@L1vRosie

Ай бұрын

I love this show very chaotic and funny! Definitely a great quote for those struggling with autism and alexithymia

@OldCarsAreBest

Ай бұрын

@@Observer31 I always thought something was going on with Ricky, alot of things I see how he reacts and it seems like the way I'd react to the exact same situation

@TheDopekitty

17 күн бұрын

Bubbles is my TPB representation.

At some point after I started really researching autism as a probability for me, I came across alexithymia for the first time. It was like a revelation. Decades of not being able to do much more than shrug when my wife would ask “how do you feel” during “talks”. It was so frustrating for me; I can’t imagine how bad it was for her (to her credit, she never once made me feel bad for it). I sent her the Wikipedia article with the comment “there is a freaking name for it!” Your description of the intense, fast-changing emotions is also spot on for me. There is SO much going on that I can’t even begin to process it, much less put words to it.

@lisawhitehall1870

Ай бұрын

❤

@retajones5278

Ай бұрын

This deserves to be cried about, but guess what? I’m not feeling it!

I have gone to therapy and had a person try to teach me my emotions. I had no clue I am autistic and now realize it includes this so going through that therapy has caused more problems for me than good. Sure, I can recognize when other people are displaying emotion and identify it, but I cannot do it for me, the main person who is struggling!

Growing up, fear, anxiety, dislike or aversion were inconvenient for mom who said that behavior was not allowed or unladylike. Liking anything mean sharing it or losing it completely to the golden child. Happiness when not felt also by mom was annoying. Blank is good. 11 years of school photos without expression. “More trauma on average.”

One thing that comes up a lot for me with empathy is that I either don’t know the “appropriate” way to respond or the “appropriate” way to respond is uncomfortable or otherwise difficult for me. The empathy is there, but I may be thinking, “is it appropriate for me to ask a question that may seem probing?” or “Do I have to hug for this?”

@andgate2000

Ай бұрын

My inlaw died today....and i have no idea how to respond. Sad? To sad? Not sad enough? Ring? Txt?... hug?.. dont hug?

@OpheliathePotato

Ай бұрын

Oh god yes.... I never know when people like want a hug when their sad and stuff like that. 😑 That's why I told my very close friends to just blatantly tell: I need a hug. That solved a lot. 😅🙏🏻

You perfectly encapsulated my issues with the pain scale! I had bilateral back fractures and a protruding disk I was dancing through. When asked where it ranked on a pain scale, I said a 5 or 6. I was told that there was no way I could be dancing through back fractures (or ranking the pain so low). Welp… they were wrong!

@nielsvaneeckeren9729

Ай бұрын

I have any similar problem, the way I explained it in my head was that the pain scale is logarithmic, 6 is not double of 3, it's way worse, And when they ask you to describe the pain, it feels like explaining color to a blind person

@BreakingGaia

Ай бұрын

I went into labor twice and didn't realize it. I told them it just felt like pressure.

Just realised that I do have autism, but I don't have this. It sounds baffling! It's good to know about the experience of those who struggle with alexathymia, thanks.

@Plethorality

Ай бұрын

Its not fun. Very confusing to us, and to others.

@retajones5278

Ай бұрын

I think a good way to to describe an un-felt emotion, is similar to being on stage and not knowing what to do with your hands. icky.

@TeddyLovesAxl

Ай бұрын

I don’t have it either. I guess we’re in the other 50% that don’t 😊

@ruthhorowitz7625

Ай бұрын

You could have it intermittently. Mine shows up when I'm in severe overwhelm.

I dont understand how you could put this together and explain it. It takes me days just to figure it out, and by then no one cares anymore (if they ever did). At least now i know there is a name for it. I though i was just weird... well actually...

So " Sucks" is one of your stim words. So funny! I love it. I recently realized the alexithimeia factor in me, so I'm still trying to get it about me. Oh, but it is a new special interest. It seems that there is a delay. It feels like I'm holding my breath under the typical world water and waiting to be in a safe space to feel feelings and look at them for an accurate name. I think it is the typical world that needs the broad words for them. It seems like anger or joy might be a category. Like there are 70 names for ice in the Iñupiaq language, there needs to be many words for the different kinds of anger and joy, etc.

@L1vRosie

Ай бұрын

Woah so true, I know in some languages like German they have different elaborate sayings for things like love, hate, joy etc. I agree I wish with all human language we had even more in depth words to describe these complex emotions

@kamikeserpentail3778

Ай бұрын

@@L1vRosie I like to say our first language is pure thought and emotion, and the language we speak is actually our second language. Once I decided to just draw what a burrito tasted like. Soft flowing lines on bottom for the tortilla that supports the whole thing. Sharp jagged shapes that stretched through everything for the cheese with the taste that powerfully stands out. Complicated detailed compact forms for the seasoned meat. I've noticed that some friends will say they love each other, and others won't say that. Because some languages have so few words for different types of love. Some people adapt to that by just using the word love to mean all of them, but others reserve love to mean one specific variety and then end up with no way to express their fondness for people they care strongly about in those other ways. Non-words can help, but they also get lost in translation, like no one would know what my burrito drawing meant without me explaining it to them...

I’ve suspected my 29 yr old son is autistic since a baby. And sought help endlessly from all professionals. Everyone in my medium sized community said he has ADHD. But that didn’t explain all of the other symptoms like you’ve described in your videos. He matches those traits exactly including Stimming by backwards hand waving constantly as a toddler. Due to his issues including ongoing gut issues, he has a hard time keeping a job or a relationship or paying bills, etc. He is Highly intelligent and therefore people think he’s just lazy. He is such a giving, good hearted person who has learned to MASK very well including Fake Smiles. How have you managed to keep a job, have a relationship, schooling, ? Best wishes, Mom of yet undiagnosed Autistic Son.

@MiljaHahto

12 күн бұрын

Sounds like you need to outside your own community to get him diagnosed. Then you can get him support accordingly. He may very well have both adhd and autism, the combination is common. (If a doctor says it's either or, he's outdated by some 10 years.) I have managed to get educated, work and have a relationship. But not all autistic people are. Many have neurodivergent partners, because empathy and communication work better that way. I know many need some accommodations in school. A work the choice of work place is very important and part time may be a good option.

I either have too much empathy or too little. And this is complicated to explain too, but the easiest way I can is that... when I have the energy to emoto and chat, empathy seems too be so strong, that I get physically and mentally wiped out afterwords. At that time because I had the energy I put myself so literally in the other person's shoes that its almost like my body experiences The Phantom of feelings that person in question would have experienced. On the flip side, if I am low on mental and physical energy, then my brain just doesn't do empathy so strongly. I can't quite put myself in that persons shoes as "intensely" as I have before or with others...its like my brain refuses too brain😅. Chatting becomes incredibly hard for me as well then, as I just don't have the mental capacity to figure out proper responses or questions to ask the individual I am speaking too. Its a frustrating thing all around for everybody than I have noticed...😶

@lupino652

21 күн бұрын

You have emotional empathy, not cognitive empathy. You dont put on another shoes, you understand their feelings but xannot understand or will missinterpret or distort why they feel that wey. That is how autistic brains works

Your videos are just top! 54 year old Autistic-ADHD Female. Greetings from Europe!

I have delays in feeling emotions, and confusion over the emotion I am feeling. Sometimes I'll have a lingering feeling buzzing around my head, usually stemming from something that happened days prior, with no idea how to identify it. The gap between the inciting incident and the emotions adds to the confusion. Also oftentimes the only way I can describe the way I feel is with simple words like bad or crummy, or I cam describe the facts of a situation but not the emotions. The emotion grows and becomes more debilitating, keeping my thoughts in a loop, but the worst part is the frustration that comes from being so confused all the time! The world has moved on but I'm still stuck wondering whether I actually am upset about something that happened 3 days ago that I said wasn't a big deal at the time...😵‍💫

Alexithymia is something I've wondered about myself, but don't think what I experience is the same. Unless I have extreme feelings - usually anger and/or pain, I "think" my emotions. Even that's not accurate. Someone tells me their mother died. I "think" grief. I know I "should" feel grief. But I "think" it. Grief is a thought, not a feeling. Does this make sense? I'm a very talkative person. I've recently learned many autistics are talkative even though that doesn't fit a stereotype. I just want to discuss thoughts and ideas. In spite of lots of words, when you talked about trying to tell a doctor what's wrong, or on a scale of... I really identified. That's about myself. I took care of my parents 24/7 for 24 consecutive years. It was easier to identify their pain/feelings than for me to identify mine. Another description for my stuff is being on the outside looking in. That's how much of my inner and outer life is - I feel disconnected, always on the outside looking inside. The idea of a person who's died and hovers above their body, seeing themself from the outside, before returning to their body, is the best description I can come up with.

@rjparker2414

Ай бұрын

I agree with a lot of what you've said. Thanks!

@maryhazlett

Ай бұрын

​@@rjparker2414ah, but is it alexithemia...? $64,000 question.

@jimwilliams3816

Ай бұрын

If it’s of use, some of what you described, especially toward the end, reminded me of dissociation. A number of commenters on one of Orion’s recent videos talked about spending much of their time in a dissociative state. Sometimes I think I have too, to a limited degree. I have also experienced acute dissociation, and I didn’t figure out that’s what it was for some time. There were parts of what you said that definitely resonated with me as sounding like alexithymia too. What I and others have described is, when we talk about what we feel, we talk about what we think. I might say I feel like someone is patronizing me, but I can’t describe the emotion that evokes. It doesn’t have to be all one thing, of course. I feel like quite the melange myself. Some traits modify others.

@maryhazlett

Ай бұрын

Thank you. I often use the word "feel" as synonyms for "think" or "intuit". I'm not aware of doing it, in the moment. (I was a college English major, and knotted however, that I use metaphor and simile a lot in order to describe an emotion/thought). You're right in that some of this could be disassociative. I have a therapy appt next week and it'll be coming up!

@kamikeserpentail3778

Ай бұрын

It makes sense. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my emotions. And sometimes perhaps as a result of that, they seem to turn off completely. It becomes like I'm controlling a game character, the emotions become more like just data. It might be a different experience.

Since learning about this I have a new peace and, indeed, a sense of new power and prerogative, when it comes to "being in touch" (according to an external...which means essentially WRONG...assessment) with my feelings. How may times, agonizing times, in my life have I been made to feel incompetent, inadequate, suspiciously evasive ("What are you hiding?"), because I haven't been able to produce a satisfying "blurb" detailing my inner life--you know, like a press release from the White House--for those who think "the people have a right to know." Since my autism discovery a year ago I sense a miraculous new peace and freedom from any such responsibility now. There is no such thing as a default right to know. My world of feelings, both emotional and physical, works on its own terms, and if those terms happen not to be what the world considers "terms" (i.e., words), well, too bad! Perhaps the most powerful phrasing that has come to my mind, when it comes to negotiating such "examinations" in social settings, when an affective-cognitive signal or affirmation is presumptively required of you, is, "No, that's not the way I think." Simply to state that I don't put things together the way it's being assumed of me. That's all. Your question doesn't relate to who I am. If you would like me to try to express how I see things and what they mean to me, I'll be glad to try, but it's not going to be a snappy, quickly digestible answer on your terms. Well, that separates the men from the boys, as it were. Real friends will be interested, and as for those who are not...I guess that shows why the conversation was never worth pursuing anyway! We need to fully seize the power and freedom inherent in two things: silence (when we simply do not care to talk about something), and answering in our own real, authentic terms rather than on an imposed template. Everything in the middle, i.e., a frantically scrambling answer rigged to mirror the foreign constructs imposed from without to placate a social demand, when you know in your heart none of this is real and you feel like an accomplice in your own violation, well...that's for the birds. Silence, or answering authentically, one or the other. That's peace, and freedom.

@katharinegates2917

Ай бұрын

This is so brilliant and helpful!

@kensears5099

Ай бұрын

@@katharinegates2917 Thank you!

@theemeraldcity94

Ай бұрын

Wow! You are an excellent writer. Hats off to you for such a superb explanation.

@rjparker2414

Ай бұрын

Thanks, Ken, I agree completely. My succinct statement (not as eloquent as yours), to neurotypical linguistic convolutions or questions, is "I don't understand." Then, I look for them to explain it differently (which tends to surprise/ throw them off, while they search for alternate communications)... meanwhile I process internally ...eventually we reach a point of mutual communication (usually). This works especially well with friends, and sometimes medical personnel.

@kensears5099

Ай бұрын

@@theemeraldcity94 Thank you. 🙂

My Alexa went off at the start of this video and then again whenever you say Alexithymia! 😂

Alexithymia is completely debilitating for me. I find my lack of capacity to identify, process and cope with my emotions to be the single most disabling aspect of autism, and I'm at a loss of what to do about it. I have a bunch of strategies that help me to manage okay for 2.5-3 weeks out of the month, but PMS (possible PMDD?) devastates me for the remaining 1-1.5 weeks, and every month it takes me to the verge of burnout; holding down my job at this time is about all I can do, and even that is touch and go and leaves me with nothing left. It feels like no way to live. It's certainly not sustainable.

@MiljaHahto

12 күн бұрын

If PMS is so bad for so long, I think some help with the PMS itself might help your life quite a bit. If you haven't discussed it with a gynecologist yet, I suggest you do. It would leave you more energy to deal with everything else in your life.

Knocking yet another great video out of the park Chris and Debby!!! I so very much appreciate how you are candid and humorous and dropping knowledge bombs with kindness and grace.Please keep it up and know - I just think the world of you both - you're helping me and so many others!!!

@saraharnold8449

Ай бұрын

Ditto! Thank you so much. This was incredibly insightful and helpful.

I have alexithymia, and I am highly empathic somehow at the same time.

i struggle to realise I'm having certain feelings but not with describing them once I've figured them out. Art has helped me practice this process. journalling too. people have been an unreliable audience because the jump to conclusions halfway through a description so I'll write a short passage/letter/poem where the language has to be super concise but can also be a bit weird. Then all of it is in one place without interruptions. same with sketches of figures on paper or in clay. the sensation is visible as a whole

@amandamcquillan4741

Ай бұрын

I write poetry

This is relatable for me, but not to your extreme. I'm aware of my feelings in a general sense, but I suck at expressing them or putting words to them for others. It makes things difficult to convey. Like when I'm in extreme distress and having a meltdown the most I can muster to express this is "I'm sorry". I guess I know what this is now. Thanks for the video

Before I know I was in the spectrum I have never heard this word before and even less that I had/have it. For me it's a trouble naming what I was feeling. But I had so many "anxiety" problems and did not even know that was anxiety I thought I was just a little bit worried or just expecting for something to happen a little bit more than others, but had not a clue that I was breathing faster and other times I was short of breath, and my hands were shaking. Only when I was like in a Panic attack I thought oh I think "I am anxious". That means I only noticed anxiety in myself when it was too much. I even have moments and was in most of the time I didn't know if I was tired, stressed or angry. I didn't know if I was borred, tired or unhappy. Even falling in love or have a crush, just atracted to someone or just admire them I had big trouble to find out what is happining inside me. That ALL has a name Alexithymia.

I get that! I have to go outside in the woods.

This was all very relatable. First let me say that yes, I eventually realized that being persistently tense had a lot to do with my developing debilitating trigger points in my lower back by my late thirties. I’ll also note, for anyone who doesn’t know this, that in fight or flight, the amygdala and the sympathetic nervous system suppress higher thinking by design; this is so someone can respond very quickly to a presumed “tiger in the bushes” - or slam the brakes on without thinking if the car in front of them stops short. It’s not well designed for perceived emotional danger, because you can’t think straight. It’s also hard to understand inner feelings, because the amygdala is determined to find external threats. So there is really no choice but to come down before being able to process, much less respond. This physiological reaction happens to everyone sometimes, but much more for those of us with overactive amygdalas. The meltdowns that you describe are probably most common with kids, but I can vouch for adults getting them too. And in fact I think mine mostly manifested in adulthood. This may be partly because my mother let me withdraw a lot as a kid, and when I did start melting down as an adult, my wife would press me to respond when I could not. As you say, this doesn’t work and in fact made things much worse. At this point, I think there is a reasonable likelihood my wife is autistic too, and I am now aware that the double empathy problem is not strictly a NT-ND dynamic. Learning about different types of empathy opened my eyes to this: I have mostly emotional empathy, and I mirror other’s emotions. I can do some cognitive empathy, but the over strong emotional mirroring makes it almost impossible for me to practice compassionate empathy: instead of expressing sympathy, I freeze up or one-up. My wife is more compassionate, and wants to deal with the problem. So I can give her space, but not the comfort she may be seeking, and she can give me comfort but struggles more to give me space. This tracks with common gender roles (men apparently tend to respond to stress using avoidance, and women by seeking emotional support). One way in which autism may worsen this is that I think we both have a harder time changing our habits than some. That we both clearly have alexithymic traits doesn’t help. What I discovered when I went over an emotion wheel is that I struggle with emotions in general, especially the subtler ones. Some of this is that my emotions are very big, so for example it’s hard to distinguish embarrassment from shame. An overactive nervous system may be one reason it’s hard to distinguish emotions and sensations. I have poor interoception in some areas, but physical sensations in my brain and parts of my nervous system come through very strongly. I’ve had hypothymia and varying levels of depression most of my life, so I found I was not too bad at identifying negative emotions, but almost blind to positive (happy) emotions. I imagine the anygdala plays a part in that as well. And I’ve recently realized that I taught myself to not get my hopes up, because disappointment, like frustration, hits me very hard. Some thoughts (of many). Yes, my brain is always running full steam! And ADHD limits my ability to determine if the ones I choose are relevant or not. Hopefully some are!

I've been struggling to find satisfying objects or toys to fidget with, and I'd watched one of your videos and you mentioned the NeeDoh cube... I just got 2 of them today, and OH. MY. GOODNESS. Thank you for your videos ❤

@ChrisandDebby

Ай бұрын

Aren’t they amazing?! What colors did you get? Glad you like them as much as I do! I just got the Nee-Doh Gumdrop and it’s also awesome - in case you go for another one soon 🤣

this video is so relatable. and also explains why it took me until fairly recent years still to find a primary doctor who believes me and cares about me. previous providers I had seemed to get fed up with me, cut me off the times i did try to explain myself, and wrote off everything as "anxiety". the doctor i had now has figured out ways to walk me through questions while doing the physical that dont feel like trick questions to me. he's made so much progress with figuring out my physical health and I feel safer with him. I had never realized the intense overlap with my healthcare difficulties. mindblown rn.

you tube just realized I love your channel. I'm the third to comment. yay me. you are going to take over as the number one autistic channel. just wait for the explosion in your popularity. it will be great until you feel pressure to be hilarious. my unsolicited advice is to make content that achieves your goals of being helpful. Get lofty and strive to be a leader in the neurodiversity movement. If funniness happens along the way - that's neuro- icing on the cake of autism.

Doctor need to explain more how the scale of pain works... so many people don't understand it ! It's not about the number you say. What interest them is how this number evolve. They know there isn't a maximum pain. This number give them a rough idea how bad is your pain. The sole purpose of this scale is how they are going to deal with the pain. It won't change disgonsic.

So many thoughts. It's hard to pin any down. Other than, thank for sharing because this is super interesting

Thank you for the nuanced discussion on empathy and alexithymia. I am Dx’d with alexithymia and functionally I do not experience or perform empathy (seriously, telepathically understanding others’ emotions? when I don’t even understand my own?) but as my assessor said, it is a result of alexithymia and not a matter of not caring.

Omgosh, I hadn't come across your content before. So glad I found your videos. This totally describes me.

This was great insight, big thanks!

Growing up, when anyone would ask me how I was doing, my answer was almost always, “I don’t know”. It drove them nuts and they frequently complained about my doing this. I never understood what I was supposed to answer because I was also raised not to tell lies. It became a no win situation. But I still most often just told people, “I don’t know”, because I didn’t know, and I didn’t know how to know even though they always told me, “well if you don’t know, I don’t know who would.” And that wasn’t helpful because if no one else would know then who am I supposed to learn how to answer that question from? Everything just always left me confused. Nobody else ever seemed to struggle with answering that question, but not one of them could be bothered to explain to me how I was supposed to do it.

Ugh I adore you!!! I’m so glad I’ve found you! ❤

Awesomely explained. Thank you

Wow, I'm so glad i found your channel! I feel like I've found my gang in the comments section lolol. (I've never felt like I fit in with the autism community because other resources and groups I've been directed to cater for people with more obvious traits and assistance needs. Me, masking so well and being high functioning, couldn't relate much. But this is so relatable). I especially love how so many people in the comments section talk like I do! Concise, with such apt analogies, fun, and descriptive in the most satisfyingly succinct and digestable way! In my daily life, when I want to understand something, I find people don't describe things enough, or occasionally do so but in an academic or dry manner - neither of which actually help me really get it. I can't get enough of the comments section because it feels like it's feeding my brain lots of delicious information that's sparking it in all the right places! Love you all! Ps. Is there some other trait around not following typical morals? Like having a different opinion when people get upset or condone some things - like cannibalism vs war vs murder vs execution?

I’ve only just done my initial assessments for ASD and scored consistently high on all of the questionnaires. I’m now watching this and reflecting on the couple of years I’ve spent doing CBT with a conventional counsellor trying to ‘learn’ and communicate emotions (and getting nowhere).

What a dense and complete video. Loved

I'm undiagnosed, but have some neurodivergences. And some autistic indicators when I was a child, that weren't pursued, because I was verbally and academically precious. I definitely have anxiety and difficulty with interception and alexithymia. I need to watch your video about over-empathy. I have trouble naming my own emotions, but I mirror and absorb others emotions. And get sympathy pain when I see an injury, that's like prongs stuck into my back then electrocuted.

How many times have you left the doctors office, having omitted an important element of your condition, because you are thrown by weird questions, such as "on a scale of visible light known as a rainbow, what colour best describes your emotional state right now?" Or some such nonsense.

@Akab

22 күн бұрын

Yes. By that I mean everytime. So much so that I write down everything weeks or even months before actually going to the doctor, so that I can adress such questions. Otherwise when going, I would forget why I'm even there in the first place the moment I visit them 🙃

This video is absolutely incredible! Thank you for sharing. You do such a great job of explaining things simply and concisely.

Thank you sooooo much for this video ❤❤❤

This is a wonderfully clear explanation. Thanks very much.

My best friend is actually pretty great when it comes to helping me figure out my emotions when overwhelmed. My favorite thing she did was ask me to look up/say Disney quotes that best represent how I’m feeling, and she helps navigate what I mean from there. And if she’s off the mark, I’ll shake my head, and I’ll find another quote.

Hey Alexa-tamia! I relate 100% to what you say. Now I realise I have it. Already diagnosed ASD and now this is clear.

Omg. All this makes so much sense! Holy cow. Thank you!!!!!!!!! Wow

Chris, thanks for talking about this, it was very interesting to hear someone else take on their experience of Alexithymia. Your description of your experience of Alexithymia is so vastly different from my own. Your awareness of having emotions ... it sounds like I have about 1% of what you have. And 'processing emotions' ... I don't ever need to do that, and the idea of doing that is completely foreign to me and would be utterly pointless to me (I do process my thoughts which is extremely valuable to me). I'm amazed at the vastness of the spectrum here. The biggest issue I see with having Alexithymia for me is in the huge struggle with being about to connect with others. You sound like you probably have 'introverted feeling', whereas I have 'extroverted feeling', if you buy into the whole 'cognitive function' thing (but then you have people who think that everyone has all 8 cognitive functions, which is definitely not my experience).

I currently feel it because a co-worker died ... In these situations I have trouble expressing what I feel. that´s why I checked empathy when you are autistic ... there are three types of empathy and we seem to struggle with cognitive empathy. It´s not that we don´t have empathy at all. we have.

@jimwilliams3816

Ай бұрын

I followed a discussion on another channel about the three types, and people seemed to vary. I have way too much emotional empathy, which I think is common. I think I have mediocre cognitive empathy (I need to be able to imagine what the other person is feeling, or rather thinking, which can take time, and has to be relatable for me). I have crap compassionate empathy, I fit the stereotype of the autistic person who doesn’t know how to comfort someone and freezes. I’d suppose this was a guy thing, and maybe sometimes it is, but the channel creator, who was female, matched me for type, she relied on her husband to comfort her kids. But a number of commenters seemed to feel they were good at compassionate empathy. Admittedly, many seemed to focus on how to fix the problem, which is often not what a person seeking compassion is after. In the end I think it may be what Paul Micallef described as autistic people often having a “spikey skill set,” good at some things and bad at other adjacent skills. And over strong emotional empathy results in flooding, which impacts our responses. I could believe we tend not to be good at what I might call “instinctual empathy,” which would be sensing what kind of response another person is seeking. I’d say I’m hopeless at that.

I recently discovered the word and it fits perfectly with my neurodivergent experiences and suspicions (well there's not really any doubt tbh and that was recently confirmed by a professional). This video explained it in a manner that I never could, I wanted to thank you for that.

Each of these is a gift to the world. Chris you are a superb communicator, thank you so much for the information and giving it so impeccably.

@rjparker2414

Ай бұрын

I especially loved Chris' description of the doctor's office, "on a scale of 1 to 10..." - that question has always driven me crazy. Thanks for talking about it! If I can give a number answer, it's always got decimal points, as in "Uh, 6.5?".

Really good description and parsing of the experience. You have excellent communication skills, I appreciate it. Subscribed.

@ChrisandDebby

Ай бұрын

Awesome, thank you!

I have a lot of empathy for the people that I know well. They’ve taken the time to show me that they will support me. Everyone else just seems ingenuine and I find that kind of relationship a waste of time. My friends are my family and I love them more than they’ll ever know. I often show them my love with close physical contact (hand holding, long hugs, a kiss on the cheek) and they know it’s not a romantic feeling, just a feeling of emotional intimacy that goes beyond the words available to describe how I feel. If I trust you enough to be physically close to me, I trust you a lot with everything else in my life. Also childhood emotional neglect could play a role in this.

I was so thankful when my primary care brought in the kids' pain chart - it had faces that corresponded to the level of pain.

I have had people get angry when I struggle to tell them how I am feeling. They seem to think I am being evasive.

amazing video ! I'm so poor in interoception that I never notice right away when I'm sick. For the hunger, either i'm not angry, or i'm ravenous to faint, but I miss the in between. Thanks !

I realted a lot to the difficulty with describing your symptoms and level of severity to a doctor. I recently took an in person diagnostic test where they asked me seemingly endless questions about my feelings which I had to report on a scale. The questions were difficult to understand how to interpret correctly and my answers felt more like randomly shooting in the dark for the right answer. It was a really overwhelming and it sent me into a meltdown after the whole ordeal. I haven't been able to work up the mental strength to follow up and complete the testing.

sometimes it helpt to look for the wheel of emotions of Robert Plutchik or the one of wilcox. Sometimes I can feel witch direction it might be and seeing the words it relates to can help connencting the dots. Other times i can try to analize the situation identify everything that could mean something and compare to situations in the past. Thats how i can mentalize what could have been it in a more rational way.

I am autistic and know my own emotions well, but there is limited overlap or commonality with the experience of neurotypicals.

Thank you for all the content you put out there! Not only helps people view individuals with autism for who they really are but you also help us parents of such children understand them better. I just have a question. Were you always able to describe in detail yourself and the way you function like you do now, or dies or come later on in life with maturity. I am asking because my son who is 15 with PDD-NOS struggles with inferencing, expressive language and retelling in detail. Thank you for your time!

@rjparker2414

Ай бұрын

For me, linguistic ability improved greatly with age (nearly 70), while hormonal instability of teen years made things very difficult - not only communicating, but I too regularly got "in trouble" (like Chris), and didn't fit in with most peers (i.e., "weird"). I've always been pedantic, and while it's challenging for neurotypicals to apparently endure, it's not a problem with other autistics - we're "on the same page" re communication. Thanks for pointing this out, too Chris.

I might. You described me pretty well, though not completely (which makes sense). I've struggled with expressing emotions , hell, I was taught to talk at school. I couldn't talk when I started school. I started school early inorder to get speech therapy. I started kindergarten in September 1959. I finally got tested for autism in 2017. It indicated that as a child, I was likely to have exibited symptoms that were missed, but I had adapted through out my life and so.........too kuch.

Wow, you're such a good teacher! Thank you 😊

@ChrisandDebby

Ай бұрын

You're very welcome!😊

I get asked about the pain all of the time from doctors, physical therapist and I had no idea why it was such a struggle to come up with a number. Now I know that I have this weird affliction too. I knew I was weird, but still find it strange that I am unable to answer the strange question at least they are strange to me. I am so empathic that I could not understand why people would tell me that I do not show my emotions and maybe it is because I read other peoples emotions and mine are so solemn that they just do not show. Ok, once in a awhile I make a joke in a way avoiding my own seriousness. Like yesterday when I was told to ride this bike to get warmed up before they put me through torture. They wanted me to ride it for ten minutes and I put my feet on there and got started and said there is something wrong with this machine it does not say 10 minutes yet. A lady next tome also getting therapy, could not help but laugh. I told them this machine must be broken it just went by the ten mark so fast, and of course it was just ten seconds. I did not have any visible emotions beyond that as I focused on the painful exercises as I counted. I think the joking is also a way of avoiding my anxiety as well, I am not sure.

I don't think I have alexithymia, but this was a *very* useful video. Thank you.

Very good video. Great explanation

Oh my gosh! God bless you for starting your channel! You have brought me my ASD 25 year old so much closer. He says : yep thats me or no not me and I never knew these things. And he couldnt explain it.

@ChrisandDebby

Ай бұрын

That’s amazing - this is EXACTLY what we were hoping to do when we started this. Autistics are so often misunderstood, even by our loved ones, but it’s not intentional. Debby said the same thing after my diagnosis and encouraged this channel because she said “you explain it well - I bet it would help other people who can’t.” Thanks for being here 😊 and thanks for this message!

@lydiabond5393

Ай бұрын

No thank you! This is something so special i dont even know how to thank you!

Wow you described it so well, I am AUDHD too.

Thank you for this video and thank you to everybody commenting. I’ve never know what to say when people ask that question : how r you (or a variant thereof). This all helps. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Happened to me yesterday 😕 it all started with me being kinda late to work… the squeaky car door needed some oil (which I always forget)… then the cars in front of me were going very slow… the fuel in my car was very thin… the rain was stressing me out and my wiper blades weren’t cleaning the windscreen properly… and I had a meltdown. My breath was very heavy, my head was spinning, my thoughts pretty much non existent. I put on a 1h Pachebel’s canon video (yeah, 1 hour just that song) and squeezing my blue tac 😅 I managed to get to work and as soon as I parked I started crying for couple of minutes. After 2 chamomiles at work one after the other and 20 minutes later I was laughing like nothing ever happened. 😅 what a weirdo 😂 even editing the errors in this message started giving me anxiety lol.

I'm using the term "Psycho somatic" about how my feelings works.. if i'm sad i can feel it in my back as a sore feeling, but also the "classic" feeling.. for me my feelings, emotions and physical senses are highly interconnected..

Finding a good therapist is so hard. When I told my last therapist I couldn't express how I felt, always had to guess or just felt like I had no emotion , she just shrugged it off. ^^; Thanks for the great video ! I resonated a lot with this! :)

@Dancestar1981

Ай бұрын

The emotions can become numb too from all the masking we do

Rejection is where I feel the most from others and I feel others energy and this causes me to isolate.

What I find that helps in describing pain is looking at a pain scale with descriptions. I need the descriptions that includes mobility and ability to do tasks to figure out what is the closest to my own experience. I need it quantified and spelled out.

Thank you Chris and Debby for putting all of this into words that make sense to me and that accurately express what it’s like inside that crazy soup that is my brain. Emotions as described traditionally never felt right. Who experiences just “sadness”? That word is so far from encompassing the complexity of the experience that has not only “emotional” but also sensory/physical/cognitive flavors.

This is super helpful! Although I would also offer the small critique: I definitely think there's more issue than just communicating between neurotypical & neurodivergent ppl. Until I realized a string of things about myself, I've always felt kinda guilty that I could sometimes feel extra activated by other neurodivergent ppl... Like as a usually highly emotive/sensitive person, sometimes less emotive ppl, or ppl who go through shutdowns too, have made me feel super misunderstood. But I think that's why content like this is SO helpful cuz now if I get activated by smth I can like... Tell, yk? And then use my words with my friends, and they can use theirs. Just an offering since I think sometimes ppl talk a lot abt like... "Cross communication" I guess? But as someone with many family and friends who I suddenly feel like I understand so much better as well as myself... 😅 Yeah haha very useful

i remember when i was younger, i told an older person friend my brain never stops, and they said, 'youre brain isnt supposed to stop' lol so i just went with it. then as i was older doctors told me those are racing thoughts and its anxiety. so i just went with it, regardless of the fact that i dont actually feeeeeell anxious most of the time. i think ive figured it out. it's not anxiety, its autism. and now i wonder about that person who told me brains arent supposed to stop. and wondered did they take 'stop' as in super literally like 'brain dead' stop? and/or possibly they were autistic and didnt know?

@turtleanton6539

Ай бұрын

Yeeeeh🎉😮

I have no imagination, but I feel things very deeply. Expressing those things, though, besides crying or screaming, is very hard. I don't show excitement or happiness even when I'm bursting at the seams.

Thank you, I have all of them.

One thing, or the biggest thing that helped me explain my feelings to myself or just feel them is projecting. I kinda look at myself from an outside perspective, like Im a different person. I also do that when having a conversation with a friend (ex: my friend tells me they havent been feeling well because they lost they’re favourite socks. If I put myself in their shoes, which I do, I would feel upset / I also do the thing of comparison to my own experiences)

Thank you for giving it a name. I agree with the dumb scale question and immediately tell medical staff not to ask and why it’s stupid. I get all of those symptoms of pain and everything too. I was taking Emgality for migraines, until I couldn’t afford the appointments. The neurologist and I realized the shot was calming the false pain and rapid, mixed up, emotions too. I need to get back on those shots.

YES re the number thing.. I get soo annoyed with my psychiatrist. Plus the whole freaking number thing for mood. It's ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY DIFFERENT for someone with just HIGH anxiety or MAJOR depression.. I have fibromyalgia, CFS & hypothyroidism.... and EVERY TIME he does it, he knows HOW much it VISERIALLY ANGERS ME!! So I do it but he sees the irritation I feel.. Like what do you expect.. I AM IN CONSTANT PAIN, I AM BURNT OUT!! Sorry for my caps but UGHH I NEEDED to get that OUT!! I have C-ptsd as well as AuDHD. And you made me giggle re the doorbell and heart attack cuz I GET IT!! Some things make me wanna hit to the ROOF!! Introception.. bent out of shape.. like a PRETZEL when SO OVERWHELMED!! I have double empathy.. and also pick up people's emotions like an ANTENNA!! It's HORRIBLE..b/c my limbic system KNOWS!!! Meanwhile, they are LYING to my face!! Thank you for your videos. They help me feel not so alone.. I appreciate you. 🙏

@rjparker2414

Ай бұрын

I've got C-PTSD and AuDHD too. Appreciated Chris mentioning that autistics have a higher rate of abuse. Very true - I've known a few autistic friends with horrific childhoods. Some of our autistic/ ADHD/ C-PTSD characteristics (I hate using "symptoms", sounds derogatory/ judgmental) have a great deal of overlap. Possibly confusing to some therapists. Grateful I've finally got a good one, who recognized my autism, as co-existing with C-PTSD ... but I went through a lot of lesser shrinks before I found this one. BTW, I connect with your honesty/ rage - via caps. No problem. I wonder if non-verbal young autistic children are more often abused, maybe because they can't speak up? Perhaps predators recognize this?

@SunshineGrove04

Ай бұрын

@@rjparker2414 HI! Yes and a higher rate of bullying. Really when you think of it, bullying is abuse.. Ya, unfortunately, my family has been my main abusers since I was little, all the way through life, and even currently. I get what you mean by the word 'symptoms'. A better word for it, is characteristics.. As in, "Characteristics of' (insert whatever disability/disorder one speaks of) Yes, I have had my fair share of therapists.. The best ones are the ones I have found are skilled in Informed, DBT, and ACT. HA, thanks. :D And yes, unfortunately, many children with neurological/neurodevelopmental disorders that are of a more dependent level, tend to have higher rates of being abused ..sadly..which makes me sick to my stomach and feel RAGE inside!!!

@lisawhitehall1870

Ай бұрын

❤

Very spot on about medical care, being RN i diagnosed his appendicitis and the ER MD wasn't getting there. Later asked why he said 5 and said was 9 but when continued thought it would get much worse if he moved or breathed Had to tell them medicate every 4 hrs without asking.was 18. Please enlighten if you have had to deal with parents medical issues. When I developed myasthenia gravis and really needed help it all broke down.

I went to a doctor to check my ears and all I could explain was that 'it felt uncomfortable like the insides were on fire.' She was like, "So, they are itchy?" I was lowkey ashamed that that word was not even on my mind, I couldn't think of a word to describe what I was feeling but here it was, simple and short.

The 1-10 question always throws me too. When I try to define the range with common experiences, I usually lose the doctor. IE ...a spinal tap headache is a ten, childbirth is a 5 ....so the male doctor who has never felt either of those is now slack jawed with eyes glazed. Stupid question that other people just answer. Then, the response is either just pain pills or suspicion that you came to the doctor for pain pills. Lose-Lose situation.

alexithymia: when I was born I got a neck damage, that streached the vagus nerve and damaged it to some degree So, I was left in a functional freeze state. The mirror neurons don't work then, and I could not read others emotions and I was still in functional freeze, and therefore could not feel my own emotions if they where on average level (every bigger emotion was eigther pain in the stomac or hunger) - the emotions where always cooled down. Lucky, I could with my mind analyze what the others did. So, I was masking like creazy to find out to behave like human. Now, 58 years later, I'm out of the freeze state, my mirror neurons works nicely, I can identify my own emotions and others, and communicate them, and I feel fine. But, I had to become my own terapist - to fix my neck - calme my vagus nerve - remove trauma - learn definitions of emotions and connect them to my body sensations. Removing limiting believes, emotional shocks, trauma, limiting narratives and regulating the drama emotions (shame, apaty, anger ect) by help of tapping (Nick Ortner - the tapping solution) has been the most effective tool so far. Alot of my pain in the body was actually due to the body was trying to communicate with me - but I did not know how to read it. But most of my pain came from too low Vitamin D3 blood serum. This is known to give much pain and depression like state (human hibernation), where I normally avoid social contact, eat alot and sleep alot. Now my blood serum level is like those of the life guards in Florida, and I feel vital and going social. But I still have my autism and can superfocus for hours and forget time. So, all this healing did not remove my autistic traits, only lowered my super sensitivity to ligths, sounds, smells and I can now focus better even thougth people are talking next to me. And I'm much less stressed at work - also my teaching has improved.

YES! Everything you just said 😵‍💫

I grew up being beat and screamed at for having emotions. Or ignored unless they happened in a public space where my parents might be judged. Then I would either be placated or demonized. Or my mother would just tell people I was on drugs. So of course I tried to bury any emotion.

Recent research shows that autistics process on average 42% more info for every sense. That’s enough to cause ptsd and create alexithymia as a protective measure, did for me. So I’ve had to learn how to feel my emotions by the electrical/warmth sensation in my brain and create a map of my brain and where my emotions show up

I can't express how much i identify with this. .

Anxiety is one of my lifelong issues. Mostly it's caused by me suppressing my emotions and doing too much heavy masking. Even after I got my Autism diagnosis, the struggle is still real. As a side note, I noticed that I have signs of Alexithymia and that prompted me to do research in autism and sought an official diagnosis. The biggest problem is I don't know how I feel most of the time. But I do know when I feel overwhelmed, I have the feeling of dissociation. It can become too tense and I wonder whether I am still in my life.

I feel anxious all the time to varying degrees. I have 3 disorders that cause anxiety. PTSD, Autism and POTS.

You are helping me soooo much. I do not always have alexithymia, but when I get overwhelmed it is me through and through. Describing intense emotion as it flashes through my mind and body is impossible, to the point that I go weird trying to communicate it to others.I also have a high pain threshold. P.S. not diagnosed but I am 99.99% sure of combination ADHD/ASD (psychiatrist said OCD, but he is a self-confessed non-expert in ADHD or ASD -like really???) - I had to get my wife to come to the second appointment because I am not good at describing myself to medical professionals. However, the damage had been done. I now have OCD in his mind. Frustration!!!

@ChrisandDebby

13 күн бұрын

I can relate and empathize with your situation. I have my wife come into many of my doctor appointments because I suck at explaining what’s happening. I always leave out important details. Can you connect with a medical professional that is experienced with neuro developmental disorders?

Omg, the pain scale. I'm not great at registering pain, and this has led to some problems. I have been working on figuring out emotions - I'm 40 years old and when I feel something in my head I get so excited thinking 'oooh, I know this one!' 😂 (turns out I have been feeling anxiety most of my life - but if that's life it stops registering. It's still cool to name 🙂)

I was in the dentist office and she was pushing on my teeth after also getting mad at me for not using my drops to dry my saliva, I had so many overwhelms going on at once - she asked why I was crying and I had no idea what to say!!! I said my teeth were hurting bc it made the most sense at the time. She got even madder bc “it shouldn’t be hurting” she left the room bc she was mad. I told the hygienists I was upset bc she was mad at me. It was just a mix of everything!! I had no idea how to explain it I could only cry. Then I found out about autism….

My NVLD gives me huge elements of this.