It’s feeling like he doesn’t want her around long term so he doesn’t want to be questioned about her when they break up

@amilllion1

8 ай бұрын

She’s arm candy for the holidays, since his siblings are all married 😢

@blakelybrogdon

8 ай бұрын

i agree !!!! he definitely doesn’t seem to want her around long enough

He's jealous, she probably speaks Japanese better than him.

If you feel like policing someones behavior, speech, appearance or body, youre not mature enough to date. Anyone. I bet you any money, she speaks better Japanese than he does (as a multiracial) and he's scared the parents will say 'wow, she can teach you a thing or two'.

@Whomp.13

8 ай бұрын

Yeah there’s no point to date someone if you’re just going to change who you are. If they want someone else date someone else, don’t make people feel small to make ur self feel bigger

@IshtarNike

8 ай бұрын

This is almost certainly the case. I learned mandarin and now speak and read it way better than any of my Chinese British friends. I do feel bad for them though because even if I didn't the reactions I get from their families are always so positive and encouraging, whereas they just get nagged and put down for not speaking Chinese like a native. It's quite different and in some ways almost harder for them to learn because they don't get encouragement only ridiculously high expectations and judgement.

@ana_lynn_w2959

8 ай бұрын

I can see that because she actually had two degrees in Japanese so that means she learned the proper forms of everything in grammar in the language. Like I am a native English speaker, and have only spoken English, but I could see a foreigner having better grammar than I do because I only have a high school equivalent of knowledge in English. Being a native speaker doesn’t always mean that you have the best grammar. Heck as a native English speaker I know I pronounce words wrong and spell things wrong.

@Heather_Duke

8 ай бұрын

Also, the part where he says that it wouldn't be fair if they liked her more than they did the SIL was wild to me. It's not the girlfriend's fault that his sibling's wife of ten years and girlfriend of however long never tried to learn Japanese.

If someone “forbid” me from doing something, I would do it twice and send them a picture!

I speak Japanese and it’s actually really appreciated and seen as a form of respect to learn Japanese as non native Japanese speakers since it can be so complex. Foreigners who put in the time to learn it leave the locals in awe. I recommend at least learning the basics like “thank you”, “hello”, and “goodbye” if you travel to Japan. Even though ur Japanese usage may be limited, it’s seen as you putting in the effort.

Those SILs have had YEARS to learn the language if theyve wanted to sooo he doesnt have a foot to stand on

As a bilingual child, I remember my non-bilingual relatives teaching me that I shouldn't speak the other language in front of them because they may feel left out. So, I understand that perspective, but lying about her whole job and education makes no sense 😂 He probably knows his parents are gonna love her more than he's ready to accept.

@ashleyc.6189

8 ай бұрын

It sounds like the OP, his parents, and siblings already speak the language in front of the in-laws, so expecting his gf to play dumb for the in-law's comfort is hypocritical. But I agree that that probably isn't the real reason. I think you're right that he's afraid the family will love her and pressure him into committing to the relationship before he's ready.

The part about how it wouldn't be fair if she was liked more than the sister in law who doesn't speak Japanese is absolutely insane to me. It's not the girlfriend's fault that the SIL who has been married to OP's sibling for ten years and was dating them for however long before that has never tried to learn.

His reasoning is absolutely suspect. Given his gf is meeting his parents and he's 35yo, then I'd consider this a potentially serious relationship regardless of how short the dating time is. So, why wouldn't he want his potential future wife to be the grandparents/parents favourite, if not for inheritance reasons, just for purely egotistical reasons? Why is he so hell-bent on protecting the feelings of his sister-in-law over his own partner? No one can convince me he's not "secretly" into his SIL at this point, it makes no sense otherwise

@pinguufuuuu

8 ай бұрын

exactly. it's weird

At first, I thought the person writing didn’t speak Japanese 😂😂😂😂 jeeeeez, people are crazy!!!

He sounds jealous of her and not that the attention would be stolen from his in-laws, but actually afraid it will be taken from him.

Well for starters, if there are family who don't speak the language, then don't speak it at all when at a family gathering, that's rude.

SIL of 10yrs didn’t bother to learn Japanese??? 😮😮 And he is protective of that kind of a person?

I’ve found your podcast beginning of the summer this year and I have to say I am HOOKER!! I’ve been working on listening to ALL episodes and they have got me through long boring drives and house deep cleaning. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your content. I just thought I’d let you know!!

Here’s my thing…if his brother/sister-in-laws choose not to learn Japanese even though their spouses speak it, that’s on them. She shouldn’t start their relationship on a LIE with his family, not a good look.

If you are afraid of people understanding what you're saying, you shouldn't be saying it. Plus I'd want my SO to be the favorite. She is my favorite

About how you go about saying honest things without hurting someone’s feelings. My friends and I have this wonderful thing where if we ask someone like “does this shirt look good on me?” And the honest answer is no, the friend we asked then helps us take on finding an alternative outfit. Like we will go hard trying to help the other person find another shirt that works. Or if we’re out in public and can’t fix it, we point out why it doesn’t work in a very constructive way. For instance “I think without the ruffles it’s a good shirt.” So we turn it into a learning about what looks good on us kind of thing. It’s just such a positive space and makes us trust each other so much more

Idk if it's just my culture and Japanese is different, but if my parents found out later on that you could actually speak our native language and lied to them the first time, they'd actually find it extremely weird and disrespectful. They would literally go, "You understood us, why didn't you say anything?" that bf is actually setting her up for disaster. also, just because YOU are insecure, doesn't mean you can dictate what others should do to make you feel comfortable. It's really giving jealousy. Also, as multi-lingual people, it's not our responsibility to accommodate for people that can't understand us. We try to include people, but we're not going to shut our mouths just because you are uncomfortable. They had 10 years to learn the language if they really wanted to. & Red flag on him saying "learned Japanese before it was popular."

Okay as a bilingual person, whoever is bringing a non-speaking guest over has the responsibility to keep them included. If you're bringing someone over that doesn't understand the dominant language, you translate. You keep them by your side and you keep them included. Why bring a guest if you're going to exclude them the entire time.

@strawberrykatnz

8 ай бұрын

Exactly. My partner's family speak another language and while they only tend to talk in their language, him and his brothers always swap to English to translate words for me when needed so I follow the conversation as a bilingual person who learned the second language as an adult since the parents can't speak English. Trying goes both ways. I even had Christmas dinner with my partner's family while my partner was working abroad and they were soooo inclusive. Sure sometimes I can't follow, but I listen 👂🏼 to try and understand and semi follow what is being discussed. Sometimes I am too tired or have no idea and I have a distinct blank look on my face because they know when I follow and when I don't. But when I am tired, I am fine with sitting there and just listening because I am hella exhausted occasionally. In fact, my partner didn't even consider introducing me to his family until I could string together enough sentences to get my own message across because they just don't speak English normally or capacity is low and he didn't want me excluded.

He doesn't like her.

I’m also half Japanese and my whole family speaks Japanese (including my child), except for my husband. We’ve been together a decade and he hasn’t bothered learning Japanese. I’ve told him I would love it if he learned, so if he ever has a problem of being “left out”, that’s entirely on him. I do agree that there has to be another reason OP is telling his gf not to speak Japanese. But regardless of the reason, it’s ridiculous to tell her to lie about her language skills.

maybe thoughtful towards the siblings in law but what about the grandparents? maybe they would like to talk to people

for sure she speaks better japanese then he does and he doesnt want his grandparents to know

13:45 possible reason for this is that it can actually put people off. When i started learning Mandarin multiple people assumed i was learning it to pick up girls. They felt the need to inform me that Chinese girls don't like black guys which was...nice to learn. But anyway there's definitely a huge contingent of creepy guys with a fetish for east asian girls who learn the languages specifically for that reason. So I can see why someone might hide it at first. I'm sure some women would see it as a red flag and wonder if he's a fetishist. But I definitely wouldn't hide it that long lol. He was an idiot.

YTA, and asking that of your girlfriend was hella xenophobic. This also makes you a hypocrite because you're half Japanese, half American!

@esmooth919

8 ай бұрын

Judging from your girlfriend's reaction to all of this, I have a feeling your relationship is over. You fucked up, dude

@esmooth919

8 ай бұрын

We're not even going to talk about what could happen if your parents found out that she could speak Japanese this entire time.