Annoyance with the oversaturation of romance portrayals in society. Yes. That's what it is.

@missnaomi613

18 күн бұрын

I'm neither ace nor aro, and I completely agree!

I’m one of those aroaces that is just extremely board and annoyed by romance in books. I just don’t see any appeal. They all feel the same to me and I’m just really tired of it all and being everywhere, while seeing what I do value very devalued and pushed to the side. Why does every movie need to end with it or at least in some state of romance. I can appreciate when romance is maybe an element of a more complex story but not just by itself.

@fredo_credo5689

20 күн бұрын

now a good friendship adventure story tho...

As a very sex-repulsed asexual who is hetero/demiromantic, I can say that the insertion factor is something that I really like about reading or watching something. But it only works for me if I can relate to the character in some way or find the story fulfilling ... which means, for me, that it has be psychologically or intellectually compelling. I don't mind romance because I do have romantic instincts, but I will skip right past sex stuff. Not remotely interesting to me because it is outside of my psychological needs or makeup.

I distinctly remember in Mark Twain's "Adventures of Tom Sawer" he talked about how hard it was to end the story of a child. This was in contrast to a man, which can always be ended with marriage. I think this is a key issue with amatanormative stories: it's just the easiest route to end on a kiss as it's what a lot of the audience have been waiting for. BoJack Horseman beautifully messed with the wedding trope, by having the final scene be about how all the love interests are cutting ties with BoJack (either professionally or geographically). The friends he has left are just that, friends. I have a weird relationship with love stories. It was by reading more adult books detailing immediately sexual attraction that i realised it wasn't a horny teen trope. And from there I fully accepted my asexuality. So I feel like direct depictions of romance and sex can be helpful; but the issue is when it's treated as a forgone conclusion that it gets tiresome.

I think this is why I love Alice Oseman's novels so much. There is normally love, but it is by far not the only point and even better there is normally some sort of freindship arc...and I love a good friend story.

I'm aromantic and allosexual, I get mixed feelings about romance and sex portrayals. I can enjoy when romance develops as part of the story but not when romance is the focus/driving plot of the story. I enjoy depictions of sex in theory but in practice, sex is almost only written in with explicit romance involved first, and usually if a character is interested in sex but not romance they are portrayed as cold, unfeeling, rude, manipulative, etc. So it becomes really really hard to find any depictions of relationships that don't make me lose interest or might reflect my own desires as an aspec person. It's especially difficult during pride month because all the books they put out at the library and go on "top queer books this year" lists are all YA romance novels. And I don't think I've ever read a non-YA book that centered an aspec character. I can enjoy YA just fine but it gets a little tiring when all of the aspec stories are about very young people going through tentative self discovery and the "baby queer" period where you're still wrapping your head around the concepts. These stories are important because they are a very real and widespread experience among aspecs who on average figure out their sexuality way later than allos, but I swear that's all there is out there. I want a mature novel series about aspec people who have been confident in their identities before ace and aro were even defined labels! I want stories about aspec people who have been around the block a few times!

I don't hate romance in media, I just think there's way too much of it, and way too many unecessary sex scenes in media. All while there's little to no representation of the kinds of relationships that aroace people tend to engage with. Also, we're not a monolith, so each aro/ace person will react to romance/sex in media differently.

@Clovergem_in_the_snow

17 күн бұрын

Yepyepyep! Totally agree :)

I’ll be honest, many of the books I read center around romantic relationships and I read a LOT of fanfiction about queer shipping from various book series and shows. But when watching movies I still mostly skip sex scenes and such or look away and roll my eyes. No idea why depictions of sex bother me so much more when I don’t mind it when reading, no matter how explicit. Also, I really loved A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue!

@megapichu4372

18 күн бұрын

You aren't alone in that. I don't mind sex scenes in books but I hate it in movies. I think it's because it's easier to skim over in a book than it is in a movie

@morganmeadowes6861

15 күн бұрын

@@megapichu4372 Yeah, that’s a good point. It might also be because it seems more real in a movie, in a book it’s just words on the page but for the movie, despite it being fake, actors still had to get really close while mostly naked and pretend to have sex. I mean, I imagine that’s pretty awkward.

I think the self-insertion thing is why I can't get into a lot of romance stories. If I'm going to root for the relationship, I need both characters to be specific, distinctive people who have a meaningful connection witheach other. This need is incompatible with reader insertability, so if a book is written with that in mind it's unlikely to hold my attention.

@vinnyfromvenus8188

19 күн бұрын

do you have any recommendations for romances where both characters are fleshed out and developed? I also enjoy those way more

Another fun way to not center amatonormative narratives is to add A-spec characters! And not as an after-thought! - An aegosexual writer working on a romance novel where one of the primary love interests is demisexual and his entire role in the story isn't to say he's ace and then go sit in a corner for the rest of the story and end up being the only person by the end who isn't in a happy relationship because for some ungodly reason most people who make media featuring ace characters cannot distinguish between asexuality and aromanticism and aren't willing to tell any stories about us that aren't half-baked, brief, surface-level coming out stories that ignore everyone on the spectrum besides wholly sex and romance repulsed ace-aro people

@vinnyfromvenus8188

19 күн бұрын

omg preach! we *need* more diversity in ace stories. the ace spectrum is *incredibly* diverse and it's frustrating a large part of it never gets depicted in anything mostly because the writer/author is very ignorant when it comes to asexuality and doesn't want to do any research on it.

I am once again singing the praises of Heartstopper (the book/comic) because of how it depicts romance. It was literally this book that made me realize I'm asexual but still alloromantic. I just had never seen before then a more genuine romance story where the leads actually become friends and support each other through thick and thin. The depiction of their growing relationship is so incredible because you see them is so many different situations, going on various dates and together facing the challenges that come their way. You actually see their relationship blossom and it's great, it's filled to the brim with bonding moments and it melts my heart. I also love that the friends have a major role in the story and are developed characters themselves instead of just being in the background. I had never seen a story depict a romance where sex is _basically_ not a factor, the leads are still allo, but sex is not a priority for them and that was such a refreshing thing to see. It literally never crossed my mind that a relationship like that could exist, sex was always my least favorite part of every relationship I've been in. I'm still a helpless romantic though so for me it was hard to separate the two, sex just _seemed_ like a necessary evil of being in a relationship, I didn't realize it was, in fact, optional. Reading Heartstopper made me realize it was possible, that I didn't need to have sex to be happy! Makes sense though, the author Alice Oseman is ace herself and even has other books (including Loveless with an ace protagonist) that I desperately *need* to read. Edit: Forgot to talk about my opinion on Amatonormativity. Now that I'm aware it exists, I actually think I used to believe I didn't enjoy romance specifically because of amatonormativity. I always hated when in fantasy stories they would force a romance between two characters that had no chemistry. It not only seemed super forced, but it also, 9 times out of 10, actually hindered both character's arks because everything from then on was solely focused on their romance and their individual arks were either paused indefinitely or straight up discarded. The romance was also treated as the end goal of their life, basically they depicted both characters as only being truly happy once they found each other, which reinforces the idea that we all just need to find "the one" to be happy. I also thought I didn't enjoy romance because most of them were very heteronormative (and boring!) and didn't speak to my reality as a bi person. I'm of the belief that even in "straight" relationships bi people act differently than straight people, so I just never felt truly represented (again another shoutout to Heartstopper for amazing bi representation). Nowadays I do enjoy romance (even more if it's queer romance!), specially after gaining more confidence after coming out as ace, but I still feel the oversaturation of sex and romance in stories where it just seems unnecessary or forced. I don't enjoy it when it just focuses on the sex more than anything else in the relationship (unfortunately a *lot* of the current romance books, even movies, fall under this category), or when it's inserted where I wasn't expecting it (e.g. fantasy stories and genre fiction).

@ennovictg

9 күн бұрын

Same here, I love romance, but I thought it was related to sex and that idea disgusted me. Thanks to content like Heartstopper I was able to see another way of living without the norms of "heteronormality."

I read a LOT of fantasy romance web comics whilst being aroace. Some of it for me is that a lot of the time the only way to get a female fantasy main character with a lot of motivation outside of romance seems to be via the fantasy romance genre, rather ironically. In what I read, typically the female lead will have some goal like "Escape their awful family/fiancé", "Dispel a deadly curse", and/or "Defeat the Demon King", and their relationship often starts as a means towards those goals. And since it's almost guaranteed there'll be a romance plot regardless of genre, I'd much prefer reading a proper cute fluff romance over boring sexual stuff and half baked relationship drama.

@vinnyfromvenus8188

19 күн бұрын

I can agree I love more cute and fluffy romances as opposed to the more sexual portrayal that seems to be more popular nowadays (at least it _feels_ like it's more popular with all the spicy books and movies that are being made rn)

Romance as a genre is one thing, but I am personally really, really tired of authors who feel forced to include romance story-lines in other genres when they clearly have no interest and/or no skill in depicting those stories. It's something I've seen a lot in shonen for one (and one of the reasons I stopped reading shonen), but I think it's a problem with the action-aventure genres as a whole. Don't get me wrong: i love a good action movie that can include a meaningful romance! (see The Old Guard for example)! But so many romances feel forced! If you're not interest in writing a romance, don't put a romance in your story! It's not that complicated!!

I’m asexual and Muslim. So being a girl who never cared about boys helps me because I can’t date anyway, but my parents always said it would be “natural” if I felt something. I don’t. I’m sex-repulsed. However, I am into romance when it comes to fictional books. Not all, because I don’t read smut, but I’ve recently been obsessed with Elizabeth Lim’s books which are just what I like. But I understand it’s different for everyone.

I'm not interested in a relationship myself but I still like reading romance because I get really happy for the characters when they (usually) get their happy ending.

As someone who is aro ace, I almost exclusively consume and seek out media in the romance genre. I like what you said about the connection piece being a factor. Add to that, I am just drawn to character centered stories and explorations of how identify/experiences inform relationships. Approaching the genre from this perspective, I’m able to see myself in aspects of characters and their identity/experience quite frequently, even if I don’t connect with the nature of their relationship. I’ve had very intimate friendships before, and romance as a genre is the closest I typically get to relating to my experiences in media- a lack of representation, I suppose lol. It also informs the types of stories/tropes I gravitate to within the genre. If it’s a self-insert, get me the heck out of there. No thank you. It definitely takes me out when I can’t narratively believe their connection and things are done without narrative/development purposes or without enough build up. I need to be able to understand where characters are internally and appreciate the journey. There are definitely issues I have with the genre, though, such as the expectation of marriage and kids present in parts of straight (and sometimes queer) romance sub genres. I could go on about the topic, but I’ll stop here.

I’m also an aroace who almost exclusively engages with typical romance-based media (mostly queer the last few years as that has broadened so much). But I’ve recently come to realize it’s because I go to reading and watching things for escapism and/or learning, and also that romance and sexual attraction are the same to me as any other fantasy element despite knowing they’re real for many people. So, I get both escapism/unreality but also learning about alloromantic and allosexual folks! Growing up was definitely finding out all of the lust and quick or even deep romantic love portrayed is not fabricated nor (fully) exaggerated 😂😅

if I take cake as picture, than cake as a relationship of some form with some sugar sprinkles on top or baked in, can be nice. But a little crumb of dough covert in blanc sprinkles does infact disgust me. Not because I dislike cake ( I do not) or have something against sprinkles ( even tho I rather prefer the rainbow colored ones over the blanc one), but for a cake ( relationship) to be more than just some flour in the wind, it needs to have some form of shape and consistency. If I could choose, I would prefer cake without any sprinkles, since that is quite hard to come by in media. And I would love for the sprinkle free cakes to have a bit more quality to their making ( talking about flavour and consistency) , since a generic cake is quite boring after the second bite. But If the balance is well done , I can enjoy cakes with sprinkles, no matter if on top or within, colored or not. In reality tho, most cakes out there do end up annoying me after a while, when in season whatever they do make some stuff up, just to have put enough sprinkles on it for no apparent reason 🙄

Where did you get the jellyfish lamp?

@SpaceyAces

20 күн бұрын

Walmart, haha.

im aroace and have always been obsessed with fictional romance 😂 key word is fictional tho! i think when it comes to fiction my limits are faaaar past where they are in reality. i liked your point about interconnection-ive noticed i also enjoy dynamics in fiction that would be unhealthy in real life, like codependency. i love Intense connection in my fiction, but ive also noticed that compared to other people, i don’t require a sexual or romantic component to my ships to go wild about them. i just like dynamics, and i rarely insert myself into any of them. thanks for an interesting video!

This lack of representation is exactly why I made my own characters sort of reflect my personal experiences. As a semi-sex/romance repulsed demisexual (as in I cannot stand watching sex, and can only handle romance if I am in a romantic mood or it’s incredibly mild romantic tension), I really hate having to watch romance and sex in shows. I just want a group of guys and gals being mystery solving anarchist weirdos together with no visible romantic tension, is that too much to ask?? People can already be together at the time of the story (romances like that are cute to watch) but the romantic tension doesn’t have to be a plot point I’m begging hands and knees lol

@Clovergem_in_the_snow

17 күн бұрын

Yes! I’m aroace and my stories all focus around friendships and such instead of romantic relationships; i wish more mainstream media were like that :(

I really love your content. Could you maybe make a video about the discrimination aroace people experience not only in heteronormative but also the queer community? Sometimes it really feels like there is nowhere you belong

I’m hetero-oriented ace woman (maybe aro) and I read a lot of m/m romance. I think it’s kinda the opposite of audience insertion. While I do have some sort of attraction to men I don’t have to be involved in any way (nothing to identify with) while I’m picturing what is happening. That being said I pretty much like all romance genre stuff, but I think that’s why I’m drawn to the mm media especially.

Could anyone maybe just answer talking about how it feels when your friends are getting in relationships? A lot of my friends, especially nuerotypical ones, are getting in relationships that are getting serious, talking about marriage, and I feel kind of scared and lonely. Like my friendship with them will never matter as much as this person they met, and I’m going to be alone unless I find a relationship too. And then everyone kind of saying I have no idea how great it is, and they’re just like cool when I talk about stuff I’ve been doing, but when someone talks about having a crush it’s the most exciting thing in the world. It just makes me feel like….. Maybe I don’t understand. It’s all well and good to have a label, but I feel like if I was in a relationship, then my friends would see me and the stuff in my life would be important. Like it’s a level of being human I have to pass. Maybe I don’t understand how great it is, and I should really try, try to find someone Asexual. I have crushes on people sometimes. But I feel like no one would be patient enough with me and it’s not fair to put someone through that, who wants a normal relationship. Like I don’t know if I want a romantic relationship, and it makes me very uncomfortable when people get that kind of close, and their emotions get so exhausting, but maybe I was just with the wrong people. Anyway, sorry for the journal entry in the comment section. I just don’t know how to talk about it.

@SpaceyAces

18 күн бұрын

I’ve definitely felt just like this! I would say you’re witnessing the omnipotence of amatonormativity. (And it’s okay to feel upset or left behind when others value romantic relationships so highly above others - you don’t have to try to find one yourself unless you actually want to).

I can actually deal with romance books/movies that just are the genre romance way more than if its a mixed genre like romantic fantasy or romance as a side plot I can avoid it more easily and i can put it in the box of "if i didnt want to see monsters i wouldnt have watched horror": i know what im getting into so im not going to complain about it Its just kind of shit that there arent a lot if alternatives for no featured romance...

Yes, I must agree with most of what you say. I never mind romance or s*x in media, but I don’t like the dummy stuff, where nothing else is depicted, only little silly oversatured romance and hot passioned s*x scenes I cannot relate to in any form. If the story is deep and wise, humorous etc. I would enjoy it. But yes, I crave more stories I can insert myself into! Maybe that’s why I love pet videos?😹

I don't consume a lot of media, much less ones with sex scenes (unless it's fanfic), but my feelings on this mostly range on the "what's the point, it could've worked just as well in a platonic context" most of the time. My most recent example of this is in Enola Holmes and how little I felt compelled by the romantic subplot (note: I do acknowledge how the romantic subplot is kinda more necessary in the second movie. But I'm talking about the first one right now). Like. Do I have anything against their relationship? No, not really, they ARE kinda cute. But, like. GOD would I have been SO much happier if they could stayed friends!!! If they found a strong bond between each other that DIDN'T NEED to automatically become romantic!!!! Like! LET THEM BE FRIENDS, IT'S JUST AS MEANINGFUL!!! I am a fanfic reader who LIVES for gen fics. I love found family, I love platonic hurt/comfort. I love all that. There's a gen fic that makes me cry every time I read it because it's so sweet. And I just wish I didn't have to get introduced to a female character in a movie and dread the upcoming love plot she'll have with the main male character!!! It's too much!!! I'm TIRED!!!

omg new spacey aces video !!

@Weird_One_

20 күн бұрын

Yes!!! I love it whenever I see anything from them pop up.

I’m an Aroace, and I do like romance in books and movies to a certain extent, as long as it: 1, Isn’t the entire plot (Looking at you, The Summer I Turned Pretty) 2, There isn’t much *ahem* sexual activity *cough* (A little bit’s fine, but it’s hard for me to read sometimes)

As a demiromantic asexual romance is hit or miss for me. It takes skill and hitting the right points with me to make it work. Mainly making the romance part of the character arcs and have it progress with them. Sex scenes I can tolerate until they reach too high a level of spice at which point I cringe and get uncomfortable.

I am Aroace I enjoy Chinese online Romance novels- because of the censorship the smut is limited, which makes the novel more focus on platonic attraction and plot (the good ones does that and not to say all of it are enjoyable- depends on the writer). When it comes to western romance, i finds it a bit repetitive and boring when it comes to sex scenes. I am not repulse by it but it bores me so i will just flips through. Normally my comfort genre is detective mystery and fantasy (not romantasy)

I just want to make a book recommendation. Contact, by Carl Sagan. If you've seen the movie, trust me, the book (as is often the case) is so much better! Not only does it depict more of the spectrum of religious-and-also-science-nerdy people, but it also does NOT have the completely superfluous heterosexual relationship thrown in! Happy Pride Month!

I am on an asexual spectrum (demisexual) and I don't like sex education, I don't understand why everyone is so focused on the relationship drama there, like there are so many bigger problems in the world, and this is literally just school. It's obvious that 99% of these couples are gonna break and they all hope they are that 1 percent. What about after-school activities, friends, and interests? Even in my schools back in the day, I don't remember everyone being so horny. Children aren't even supposed to start sexual life before turning 18, and the situation in the series looks straight from the problematic neighborhood for the poor, which the school they show is far from. Or is it just America?